Episode 7: Everybody Dies (Okay, Two People Die)
Assistant Coach Damon received a phone call from the hospital, informing him that Lewis Von Kemia had died.
School custodian Mr. Cook was helping Russian exchange student Poonivich Pantisoff with her work-study program by having her assist him in changing the lights. She was all too familiar with the dangers of fluorescent tubes, due to the disastrous bulb-factory explosion in her hometown.
The German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was instructing Gwendolyn Pinchot in how to become more evil. She told him that her worst enemy in the school was Miller. However, since Miller’s first act as student council president was to give himself a week off, she couldn’t take revenge on him right now. Her second choice: Sterling Schremerhorn.
By the lockers, undercover cop Joe Luderman broke the news of Lewis’ death to Sterling. Shocked, Sterling blamed herself (not unreasonably, since she was the one who ran over him), but Joe informed her that it was Owen Tasker who had caused Lewis’ cancer.
Owen Tasker was giving blood for the school blood drive when Assistant Coach Damon entered and informed him of Lewis’ death. Damon urged Owen to give more blood in Lewis’ memory…and to earn another letter.
At the Crash Pad, Mr. Cook broke the news to Gwen. Gwen was stunned by this latest loss, on top of her father’s death earlier this year. Cook reminisced about his friendship with her father, shooting pool and coming to all of Gwen’s softball games.
Joe Luderman was directing a public-service announcement for the school’s closed-circuit TV channel, with Assistant Coach Damon warning the students of the dangers of drugs. (“Nine out of ten kids who do drugs die. And that’s a promise.”)
Mr. Wilfong was polishing his trombone “Tooty” and reflecting on his new life in America, when Poonivich Pantisoff entered. They had a brief conversation in Russian, and Pooni joined him in a duet with her cello, “Mrs. Garrett.”
At the blood drive, Sterling angrily confronted Owen about Lewis’ death. She informed him that she was going to run for student council just to throw Owen out of school. Owen pointed out that the elections were over and that Miller had won. Sterling called her rich father and had Miller recalled and herself appointed president.
Pooni asked Gwen to supply her with some Charmin toilet paper to send home to Russia, then sang the traditional Russian toilet-paper song “Can I Squeeze It?” Touched by the song, Gwen declared her love for Pooni.
Sterling questioned Owen about his responsibility for Lewis’ death. Loss of blood had rendered Owen too delirious to lie, so he admitted to giving Lewis’ cancer. Still compelled to tell the truth, Owen told Sterling that he loved her, and would gladly get revenge on Gwen and Miller for her. Then he confessed to masturbating six times a day.
Joe Luderman spied on Mr. Cook as Cook cleaned out Lewis’ locker, but Joe didn’t do a very good job of hiding.
Semi-recovered, Owen Tasker was filming a blood drive announcement with Gwen for the school’s closed-circuit system. Once she was in front of the camera, Gwen took advantage of the opportunity by revealing the truth about Owen…he doesn’t donate blood regularly, his trophies are plastic fakes, and the school doesn’t even HAVE a chess club. She then recited a mystical chant taught to her by Mr. Wilfong, putting Owen in her power. She commanded Owen to tell Sterling that he doesn’t love her after all…then kill her. Mr. Wilfong gleefully watched over the closed-circuit TV.
Joe and Sterling were having lunch at the cafeteria. Sterling warned Joe not to get involved with Gwen, and Joe angrily threw her tray off the table. Assistant Coach Damon came in to clean it up, having taken yet another job to pay the bills.
Due to budget cuts, Damon was teaching AP physics to Pooni. He began “There are many mysteries to physics that haven’t been explained…it’s a lot like Catholicism.” Pooni was outraged by his introduction of religion into the classroom, and Damon was equally upset with her godless communism. A slow-motion fight scene broke out. Mr. Cook arrived with his video camera.
Mr. Wilfong and Gwen were going over their evil plans. Wilfong asked Gwen to serve a very special meal the next time Joe Luderman comes to the Crash Pad: a burger with a side of cocaine.
Under Gwen’s spell, Owen was gathering knives at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman entered and warned him that “there’s a guy one step behind the guy two steps ahead of you.” Owen declared his intention to kill Sterling, believing that the law couldn’t touch him. Joe told Owen that the law could indeed touch him, and that he’d soon be lettering in prison rape.
Mr. Cook confronted Damon with the video of his compromising encounter with Pooni. As Damon professed his innocence, Cook remembered his own encounter with a student in Florida. Suddenly, Pooni burst in and announced that she had Cook’s confession on tape. Damon revealed that Cook had yet another hold on him…Cook knows that Damon killed Gwen’s father.
Joe Luderman was relaxing at home after a hard day’s undercover work. Mr. Wilfong sneaked in, but was soon discovered. As Joe confronted him, Wilfong noticed all of the “I’m a Cop” posters in Joe’s apartment.
Poonivich Pantisoff had stolen Sterling Schremerhorn’s purse in search of breath mints to sustain herself. Finding none, she started chewing on a tampon. Following Sterling’s scent, the entranced Owen Tasker came up behind Pooni and strangled her. Only after the deed was done did Owen discover that he’d killed the wrong girl.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen confronts Mr. Wilfong about Joe.