Episode 3: Surgeon General Warning
Paramedic Rosie Jay and Nurse Barney Kabob were in Rosie’s helicopter, flying in some supplies to combat the smallpox outbreak. Barney asked Rosie her opinion on euthanasia, then explained that he’d decided to kill everybody in the hospital who’d been infected. When Rosie objected to this plan, Barney decided that she’d been infected as well. Then he jumped out of the helicopter.
Todd Baio was in the chapel, contemplating his mortality, when former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop crawled in through the air duct. Koop explained that he’d come to fight the epidemic, then asked Todd if he’d been in contact with anybody outside the quarantine zone. Todd replied that the only people he’d seen were the audience at his current play…so, five people.
After barricading herself in the supply closet with Father Bob Houdini, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was wracked with guilt over her cowardice. Bob reassured her by opening his Bible and reading the parable of the lost little bear and the witch’s gingerbread house.
Dr. Corky Howser, the teen medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, was working on a cure when C. Everett Koop arrived. Corky showed Koop the research he’d done…but since Corky couldn’t write, all his notes were in picture form. Corky revealed the most important discovery he’d made: This particular strain of smallpox was man-made.
Rosie Jay was unloading the supplies from the helicopter when Yummy came up to the roof. Rosie suggested that they both get in the chopper and escape, but Yummy had 12 hours left on her shift and she was too dedicated to leave, even though her appendix had just burst. Rosie immediately began an emergency appendectomy.
Father Bob went to the Little Varsity Jr. and discovered Barney Kabob waiting for him. The paranoid Barney became convinced that Bob had the smallpox, and attempted to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute (even though he was indoors). When that didn’t work, Barney jumped out of the window and pulled the ripcord again.
Corky Howser explained his experimental cure to Todd Baio. To make up for his spreading the disease by violating quarantine, Todd volunteered to be the guinea pig. Corky injected the serum into Todd’s eye with his Fisher-Price syringe.
At a meeting of all the hospital staff, Yummy Wampler finally pointed out the obvious: In the weeks since they’d all been exposed to the outbreak, Corky was the only one who’d been affected. Corky suddenly realized that the strain wasn’t just man-made, it had been genetically engineered to strike the mentally challenged. C. Everett Koop confirmed that the strain was a secret government project, and that armed agents had surrounded the hospital to cover it up. Yummy suggested that they get a decoy to go out and act retarded to draw the agents’ fire, and everybody looked at Barney. Barney tried to escape by pulling the ripcord on his parachute.
After the meeting, Yummy Wampler was doing a quick check in the morgue when she recognized one of the bodies as Brenda, the countergirl from the Little Varsity Jr. Suddenly, Barney Kabob emerged from a freezer drawer where he’d been hiding. He confessed that he was terrified by the decoy assignment, and Yummy suddenly came up with a plan to “decoy the decoy” by disguising Brenda’s body as Barney.
Corky explained (in song) how C. Everett Koop had inspired him to overcome his Down’s Syndrome and become a doctor, but his mood shifted when he remembered reading rumors on the Internet that Koop secretly had a retarded child whom he kept in the basement out of shame. With a burst of mad crazy strength, Corky manhandled the former Surgeon General.
The heavily-armed Rosie Jay was making her way through the sewers as an escape route when she ran into Father Bob Houdini. As they faced off over their personal and ideological differences, Father Bob suddenly heard the voice of God, informing him that women AREN’T inherently evil, and that Rosie in particular was a good person despite her clairvoyant powers and frequent use of the F-word. God told Father Bob that Rosie was destined to save Corky’s life.
Propping up the disguised corpse and hiding behind it, Barney was drawing the government snipers’ fire when Todd rushed up onto the roof and informed him that Koop was behind the whole sinister plot. Barney was so stunned by this revelation that he dropped Brenda’s body…and was immediately cut down by the snipers.
Yummy discovered the critically-injured C. Everett Koop trying to treat himself. Koop confessed his misdeeds, and tried to make amends by offering her the antidote. Father Bob Houdini performed the last rites by having Koop choose a random page in the Bible, then reading from it. As Father Bob concluded the passage, C. Everett Koop died.
Still in the throes of his apelike rage, Corky rampaged through the hallway until Rosie managed to calm him down. Rosie noticed that Corky’s skin had cleared up…Corky’s serum had worked. Just then, Yummy rushed in with the antidote that Koop had given her, even though it was now unnecessary.
Preparing a funeral pyre for C. Everett Koop in the furnace room, Father Bob knelt down beside Koop’s body and peeled off his beard.
With the emergency past, Dr. Corky Howser reflected on the past few weeks and realized that he had to leave the hospital and make a name for himself in the outside world, for the sake of all retarded people. Father Bob arrived and presented him with Koop’s beard, as a sign of Corky’s passage to manhood. The spirit of C. Everett Koop looked down and gave Corky his blessing, telling him to wear his beard well.
Todd Baio was preparing a funeral pyre for Barney Kabob in the furnace room when Yummy Wampler arrived and saw Barney’s body. Rushing into action, Yummy attempted CPR and summoned Dr. Howser, who began performing mouth-to-mouth. Barney was revived by the trauma of man-kissing.
TO BE CONTINUED…