Episode 14: Prom Wars
Mr. Cook invited Mr. Huggins to the upcoming fishing rodeo. Huggins, reveling in his newfound heterosexuality, asked if there’d be chicks there. Cook assured him that there would be, but warned him that some of those ladies who work at the VFW can be pretty wild.
Principal Spoon was going over plans for the prom when he met Oral Hanks, class ring salesman and prom consultant. Discussing the prom theme, Hanks dismissed the classic “Enchantment Under the Sea” theme as a cliché, and suggested they go with “Enchantment UNDER Under the Sea,” with the room decorated in a volcanic-cave motif and homeless people playing Morlocks.
Sterling Schremerhorn was at home, going over her ideas for an “Under the Sea” prom, when her father, Stubing Schremerhorn (the wealthiest man in Little Five Points) entered. She confided her biggest problem: Despite being the most popular girl in school and the co-chair of the Prom Planning Committee, she didn’t have a prom date. Mr. Schremerhorn offered to buy her one.
Owen Tasker, the other Prom Planning co-chair was going over his plans for an “Under the Old West” prom theme. He asked formerly-undercover cop Joe Luderman to play the sheriff and provide security. The conversation segued into Joe wondering why Todd Schrader, supposedly his friend, shot him in the foot last week. Just then, Todd entered. Todd apologized for shooting Joe, explaining that he needed to battle Wilfong hand-to-hand with no interference. Joe accepted his apology, and Todd gave Joe his last beer.
Gwendolyn Pinchot went to see Ms. Munsen-Meyer about all the bizarre occurrences in her life. She explained that she’d been having some weird dreams, and feared that the stress had given her psychic powers. She had had a vision of Sterling Schremerhorn riding on horseback in the middle of a Western-themed prom, when she fell and broke her neck. Munsen-Meyer’s only concern with this revelation was whether Gwen’s powers would affect her chances of getting into a good school.
Owen Tasker was in the cafeteria when Stubing Schremerhorn entered. Stubing explained that his daughter was upset about not having a prom date, and that he would spare no expense to buy her happiness. He offered Owen $10,000 to take Sterling to the prom and show her a good time. Owen accepted the offer, then suggested that for an additional $10,000, he’d show Sterling a REALLY good time by sleeping with her.
Sterling Schremerhorn and Oral Hanks were discussing plans for the prom music. Sterling wanted to get Wilson Phillips, but Oral warned her that brand-name bands can be costly. He told her that his company offered songs that were almost exactly like popular music, without the expense of royalties. To demonstrate, he played an excerpt from “Unfathomable” (Josten’s version of EMF’s “Unbelievable”).
Principal Spoon called in Joe Luderman to discuss prom security, warning him about the recent promjacking at Westlake High. Joe assured him that security wouldn’t be an issue, pointing to his record in eliminating the school’s drug traffic. Spoon retorted by pulling out a bag of cocaine that he had confiscated from a student whom he caught having sex with a prostitute in the boy’s room. Joe explained that the demands of simultaneously being a cop and a high-school student were just too much for him. Spoon offered Joe one more chance, but warned him that if any students got damaged, it was his ass.
Stubing Schremerhorn came by Mr. Huggins’ classroom to reminisce about old times. Stubing remembered building the school with his own two hands and a tractor…then recalled the relationship he built with Huggins.
Mr. Cook was preparing for the fishing rodeo when Assistant Coach Damon entered with the bad news that Westlike High got promjacked. Cook swore to use every item in his janitor’s arsenal to protect the students. Damon believed that the only solution was to arm all the students, and Cook replied that he was way ahead of him; he’d already given shivs to the special class. Damon worried that Principal Spoon wouldn’t approve, so they proposed a coup d’etat.
Todd and Gwen met in the cafeteria and discussed their shaky relationship. They agreed to go to the prom together, even though they both loathe the whole prom concept. Todd revealed that Owen had appointed him to the prom’s Refreshment Committee without even asking him. They decided to use Todd’s position to take down the prom from the inside by spiking the punch…and more.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer stopped by the Schremerhorn residence to discuss Sterling’s situation. She suggested that, rather than be depressed by not having a date, Sterling should go stag and be proud of her independence. Just then, Mr. Schremerhorn came home and informed Sterling that he’d fixed her up with Owen Tasker. Sterling angrily demanded to know how much he’d paid. When he replied that he’d shelled out $70,000 for her happiness, she was flattered that her father thought she was worth that much. Munsen-Meyer began to lecture Mr. Schremerhorn that money can’t buy happiness, and he broke out into hysterical laughter.
Mr. Cook and Assistant Coach Damon had brought Principal Spoon to the fishing rodeo, where they started to discuss the school’s drug problem. Pretending to be on his side, Cook and Damon eventually drew Spoon into confessing that he was high as hell at that very moment. Spoon then passed around his snorkel as a bong. Suddenly, Joe Luderman, who had been spying from the grass, emerged to arrest them all. Panicking, Cook threw his shivs at Joe.
Owen Tasker and Oral Hanks faced off over the prom theme. Oral told Owen that if he backed off and accepted Oral’s prom theme, he would arrange it so that Owen would be the only male student capable of having sex with his prom date. Oral would spike the punch with Josten’s secret “floppy juice” formula…and Owen could have any girl he wanted.
NEXT WEEK: Joe finally shoots somebody.