Episode 10: Clem and Clytemnestra
The school’s new driving instructor, Coach Gooch, was giving a lesson to Sterling Schremerhorn. Sterling was very hesitant, since her last driving lesson had ended with her running over Lewis von Kemia. Her nervousness wasn’t helped by the fact that Gooch kept touching her on the shoulder.
Principal Spoon met with Todd Schrader to discuss Todd’s absenteeism from football practice. Todd explained that he’d had a revelation and realized that football was for “chowders.” He was through with athletics, and was now studying philosophy and life from a homeless man in an underpass. Spoon warned Todd that he’d be expelled unless he returned to the team.
Gwendolyn Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when Joe Luderman (now bearing a strange resemblance to the evil German music teacher Mr. Wilfong) arrived. Gwen thanked “Joe” for killing Mr. Wilfong and freeing him from his influence. She told “Joe” that she’d do anything to repay him.
Vivian Munsen-Meyer and Miller were preparing for the arrival of her parents, Thaddeus and Clytemnestra Munsen-Meyer. When the Munsen-Meyers arrived, Miller put on a British accent to make a good first impression, but blew it when he mistook Mrs. Munsen-Meyer for H.R. Pufnstuf.
Principal Spoon called in the female students for a discussion about sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior. Sterling suddenly realized that this was exactly was Coach Gooch was doing.
Coach Gooch was giving a driving lesson to Todd, who was so disinterested that he never even touched the steering wheel. Gooch asked Todd to return to football practice, explaining that the team needs him. Todd realized that he’d never felt needed before.
“Joe” was eating in the cafeteria when Sterling sat down and started flirting with him. Wilfong was amazed that the girls were all over him now that his head was on a new body. Sterling asked “Joe” to nominate her for Homecoming Queen, but explained that he’d have to join the football team in order to make the nomination. He agreed to try out.
Principal Spoon was giving the Munsen-Meyers a tour of the school, hoping to get funding for a new library. In order to put them in a better, more generous mood, Spoon convinced them that their daughter’s fiancé was actually the school’s vice-principal and not a mere student.
Later, in his office, Spoon told Miller about his deception. He gave Miller a lesson in acting like a school official, singing a “My Fair Lady”-style instructive number.
Settling in at his daughter’s home, Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer reminded her that their fortune would go to their first child who got married. She replied that she didn’t think that her brother Vance was likely to ever marry, but Thaddeus pointed out that Vance was considering a sex-change operation.
Todd told Gwen that he had drawn a picture of his inner pain, then ate the picture so it would be a part of him (for a couple of hours, at least). She complimented Todd on being even more disturbed than her. They had a musical montage of teen angst.
“Joe” approached Coach Gooch to ask to try out for the football team, though he found it hard to concentrate due to the distraction of Gooch’s constant sunflower-seed spitting.
“Vice-Principal” Miller addressed the student assembly, promising a new school library. When one student booed the idea of a library, Miller pulled that dissenter, Clem Johannesburg, up to the podium. Miller announced that the reason for Clem’s disapproval was the shameful fact that Clem couldn’t read. Miller declared that the very library Clem booed was the one thing that could help him. Moved by Miller’s speech and actions, the Munsen-Meyers signed the contract authorizing the new library.
Principal Spoon called in Coach Gooch to discuss his inappropriate behavior, the wrecking of the driver’s-ed cars, and the mass of sunflower seeds on the floor. Spoon informed Gooch that he’d be fired unless he undid all the damage he’d cause. A musical montage followed Gooch as he went back and “untouched” the students.
SPOON: “Hold it! Stop the montage! You’re just touching them AGAIN!”
Sterling Schremerhorn and “Joe” were in the driver’s-ed van, with Gooch in the backseat. “Joe” got rid of Gooch by sending him out for sunflower seeds, then told Sterling to drive away quickly. Sterling offered to take “Joe” to O’Charley’s, but their conversation was derailed by Gooch chasing after them. “Joe” had Sterling stop the van, then he got out and confronted Gooch about his perpetual cock-blocking. Sterling accidentally put the van in drive, running over Coach Gooch.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer asked Gwen for some advice regarding her impending marriage, since Munsen-Meyer was still a virgin and Gwen was the most sexually-experienced student she knew. Gwen informed Munsen-Meyer that she wouldn’t necessarily have to sacrifice her virginity, since Miller usually gets drunk and passes out halfway through. Munsen-Meyer imagined herself as a virgin monarch, like Queen Elizabeth…wearing white make-up and scaring people.
Thaddeus Munsen-Meyer informed his daughter that her brother Vance had just had his sex-change operation and married an aborigine, which meant that he got the family fortune. As Vivian became hysterical over her lost inheritance, Miller calmed her down with a lesson from “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan”: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” Miller pointed out that her personal fortune was unimportant compared to her parents’ funding of the new library. Miller declared that the school was already a better place thanks to them…already, Clem was learning to read Dr. Seuss.
NEXT WEEK: Gwen gets a new catchphrase.