Episode 11: Adios, Fuego
Principal Spoon announced that the five students who earn the most credits for civic activities will get to visit Hawaii as part of an exchange program.
Mr. Pinchot had joined the school teaching staff, and was giving Sterling Schremerhorn a lesson in agriculture (with help from Fuego the duck). Sterling was looking forward to working on the school farm and earning credits for Hawaii.
Owen Tasker returned from Leadership Camp, clad only in a Speedo in anticipation of going to Hawaii. Principal Spoon told Owen about the school’s new library, and offered him a position as Librarian. Owen revealed his plan to replace the Dewey Decimal System with straightforward alphabetical order.
Gwen Pinchot was cleaning up at the Crash Pad when a mysterious message blew in: “Nothing is as it seems, especially family.” “Joe Luderman” (a.k.a. Glenn Wilfong) arrived, and Gwen gave him a basket of flowers and cookies to thank “Joe” from saving her from Wilfong. Overcome by her present, “Joe” declared “No one has ever given me anything before…of their own free will. I’ve gotta go! I’m feeling…EMOTIONS!”
Miller was blowing soap bubbles in hopes of earning civic credits for beautifying the school. Todd arrived, and they discussed the Hawaii competition and the prospect of smoking some “Maui Wowee.” Todd told Miller that he was now in love with Miller’s ex-girlfriend Gwen. Miller congratulated him, then pontificated on the dismal outlook of the typical high school relationship.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was reflecting on the loss of her family fortune, when Principal Spoon entered and asked what was wrong. Unable to talk about her own problems, Munsen-Meyer pulled out her “Granny Munsen-Meyer” puppet to explain the situation. Spoon told her that the puppet was a crutch, and suggested that she face reality the way he did…with bourbon.
Owen Tasker broke into Principal Spoon’s office to doctor the records and give himself more civic credits. Suddenly, Mr. Pinchot burst in, sobbing hysterically and clutching a handful of feathers. In his despair, Pinchot started throwing furniture around. Principal Spoon arrived and witnessed the bizarre scene…then left without saying a word.
In the cafeteria, Todd told Gwen that he planned to win that trip to Hawaii and bring her along…but in order to do that, he’d need to become his old football-jock self again. Gwen appreciated his sacrifice, but didn’t know whether she could deal with the old Todd. At that moment, Ms. Munsen-Meyer entered and asked if they’d tried the roast duck.
“Joe”/Wilfong was in his dungeon when he discovered a mysterious message: “You may have the body, but I still have the brain.” His mind-controlled slave, the Fighting Panhandler (a.k.a. Mr. Pinchot) arrived, still clutching the duck feathers. Wilfong ordered the Panhandler to find him a Hallmark card to win Gwen’s heart.
On the school farm, a tearful Sterling Schremerhorn informed Miller that she’d accidentally run over Fuego the duck with the driver’s-ed car, just as she’d done with Lewis von Kemia and Coach Gooch. (Miller: “Woman, how many things in this school are you gonna kill?”) Miller suggested that they frame somebody else, like Gwen. Recovering her composure, Sterling told Miller about her idea to earn civic credits: Starting a program where students pledge not to drink or have sex during the prom. Miller replied that this was against everything the prom stands for.
Todd, having cut his hair and resumed his jock image, met with Principal Spoon. In return for his football prowess, Todd demanded 25 civics points. Spoon struggled with the ethical dilemma of this extortion, then gave him the points.
Gwen was in her apartment when the Fighting Panhandler knocked on the door. When the Panhandler broke down crying, she asked him to remove his mask so she could look into his real eyes. Gwen was dumbstruck when the Panhandler revealed himself as her father.
In detention, Ms. Munsen-Meyer confronted “Joe” about his records from his previous school. To explain himself, “Joe” sang a song about his scholastic resumé. She replied that she didn’t believe he was a high-school student, citing his five-o’clock shadow, his low-hanging balls, and his gray hair. He started to sing a song explaining himself.
Miller informed Principal Spoon that he knew who killed Fuego (and several of the other farm animals): Gwen Pinchot. Miller accused Gwen of deliberately running down adorable animals for sport. However, Spoon revealed that he knew Gwen was working at the Crash Pad at the time of Fuego’s death.
Owen Tasker found the unmasked Panhandler/Pinchot curled up in the fetal position in the teachers’ lounge. Pinchot explained that he blacked out in Spoon’s office, then woke up in this ridiculous outfit. Owen realized that Pinchot was under somebody’s mind-control, and offered to help him find the culprit…in exchange for civic points.
Todd told Gwen that he had enough points for them both to go to Hawaii, but Gwen had more urgent news: She’d discovered that her father was the Fighting Panhandler…and when she looked into his eyes, they were blank. She told Todd that his change of image was just too much for her to take on top of everything else. At that moment, “Joe” arrived and gave Gwen a rose.
Sterling Schremerhorn told Ms. Munsen-Meyer about her “Prom Promise” program, and Munsen-Meyer told her a cautionary tale about her own prom, at which she drank an entire bottle of Seagram’s 7 and woke up sore in a dumpster behind a Hyatt Regency.
Principal Spoon announced the five winners of the civic competition: Todd Schrader, Owen Tasker, Joe Luderman, Sterling Schremerhorn, and the never-before-seen Dustin Pollack. Angrily, Todd announced that he was giving his trip to Gwen so that she could have sex with Joe.
NEXT WEEK: The Jumping-the-Shark Hawaii Episode.