Episode 2: Goin’ Too Far ’Cause You Know It Don’t Matter Anyway
Dmitri Turnankoff hypnotized the captive Admiral James T. Blanket, instructing him to gather as much top-secret information as he could, then bring the data back to him. Dmitri also threw in a post-hypnotic command: Whenever he hears the word “chicken,” Blanket will do a funny dance and plant a passionate kiss on whoever said it.
Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan Fechet were preparing some fireworks for the moonbase’s Independence Day celebration. Dr. Hoelikker explained that the Hawk-People’s guano was such an incredibly useful all-purpose substance, she could make it into anything from a power source, to fireworks, to skin cream, to a medicinal tonic. Stephan drank the tonic, then realized that he’d forgotten to ask what it does.
Captain Flash Buckstar was dealing a hand of blackjack to Prince Schmultan of the Hawk-People, when Schmultan noticed a poster on the wall for an upcoming Hall & Oates concert. Awestruck, Schmultan explained that Hall & Oates were great heroes to his people. Several years ago, when the Hawk-People first began receiving radio transmissions from Earth, they heard a warning that a man-eater was coming to chew them up. Thus forewarned, they mounted a defense and defeated the beast.
Daryl Hall & John Oates were approaching the moonbase in their spacepod, looking forward to spreading their music to the new frontier of space.
The hypnotized Admiral Blanket stopped by Dr. Hoelikker’s lab. She apologized for not releasing him when she drunkenly staggered into Dmitri’s quarters and found him chained up, but he was more concerned with asking her all about the station’s workings. Before she could explain, the station’s lunch menu came up on the computer screen, and Gaye complained about the chicken-fried steak. Hearing the code word, Blanket did the chicken-dance and kissed her.
Stephan and Dmitri were setting up the stage for the Hall & Oates concert. Stephan informed Dmitri that the corporate American music industry had outlawed all music from before 2005, so the moon was now the only refuge for classic rock.
Flash Buckstar was showing Daryl Hall around the moonbase. Taking Buckstar aside, Hall confided that he was sick of his partner, then offered the captain $6.00 to kill Oates. As a further incentive, Hall offered him Oates’ place in the act (“You’ve got the mustache for it!”). Buckstar envisioned a future filled with fame, fortune, and groupies.
In the lounge, Prince Schmultan told John Oates that he would do anything to fulfill his debt to Hall & Oates, so Oates asked him to kill Hall. Having sworn to obey, Schmultan was torn by the dilemma: He must kill one half of the saviors in order to repay the other.
Later, Schmultan was in Dr. Gaye Hoelikker’s lab for his scheduled package-enlargement session, and he confided that he was obligated to kill one of his heroes. Gaye offered to help by giving him an invisibility device so he wouldn’t be captured.
SCHMULTAN: “So, your advice is to do it and not get caught?”
HOELIKKER: “I’m a chemist. Moral issues are a little outside my area of expertise.”
Dmitri was playing blackjack with Hall & Oates, telling them what an important event their 1993 Moscow concert had been to his people. They recalled how their performance of “Sara Smile” touched an entire nation…even though nobody in the nation was named “Sara.” Dmitri asked Hall & Oates to sign his jumpsuit, so they autographed the crotch.
Stephan Fechet caught Admiral Blanket sabotaging the 4th of July fireworks, and immediately realized that the Admiral was under communist hypnosis. To test his theory, Stephan said “chicken.” Of course, Blanket went into his dance and kissed Stephan.
Flash Buckstar asked Dmitri Turnankoff to kill John Oates for him (since Dmitri, being Russian, was obviously a natural born killer). Dmitri informed Buckstar that he would only accept the assignment if the U.S. turned over Alaska to the Soviet Union. On behalf of the American government, Captain Buckstar agreed.
After their final number, the Hall & Oates concert was disrupted when an arrow flew by and narrowly missed them both. Forgetting their differences, the frightened pop stars joined fists (“Hall & Oates powers, ACTIVATE!”).
In his quarters, Captain Flash Buckstar was going over some numbers when Stephan brought in the hypnotized Admiral Blanket. Blanket tipped his hat, and the Captain returned the gesture, inadvertently losing his toupee. Stephan explained that Blanket was in league with Dmitri, and was thus a pawn of the Roman Catholic Russian conspiracy. Suddenly, Stephan noticed that Blanket had Dr. Hoelikker’s goggles around his neck.
STEPHAN: “What have you done with her? Tell us what you’ve done with her!”
BUCKSTAR: “And say it slowly.”
Hall & Oates sought refuge in Dr. Hoelikker’s quarters. Emotionally bonding due to the danger, Gaye confided that she had lost her virginity today.
HALL: “Well, tell us about it.”
OATES: “And say it slowly.”
Suddenly, Dmitri entered fired an arrow, but missed. John Oates picked up the arrow, explaining that his long friendship with Ted Nugent had made him an expert with weapons. Hall & Oates confessed that they had each tried to have the other killed, but now realized that they truly belonged together. As they embraced, Prince Schmultan entered underneath his invisibility device. Not having heard the reconciliation, Schmultan stabbed Hall in the back, inadvertently running Oates through as well. Confused, Dmitri fired an arrow towards the unseen assailant, but instead nicked Admiral Blanket in the neck. Throwing off his invisibility, the guilt-ridden Schmultan pulled out some padding from his loincloth and applied it to Blanket’s wound, but Blanket insisted he’d rather let it bleed.
TO BE CONTINUED…