Episode 4: Enter the Lithuanian
To research his next role, Todd Baio was assisting Dr. Corky Howser in surgery. Corky questioned Todd about his acting career, and was thrilled to hear that Todd had worked on Corky’s favorite show “Dragon Tales.” However, when Todd explained that the show wasn’t real, just the product of writers and animators, Corky became disillusioned and stepped away from the patient. When Todd finally persuaded Corky to resume the surgery, Corky discovered that the patient’s appendix was already missing.
In the dispensary, Father Bob Houdini was looking for some Valium (“The Bible doesn’t say anything about prescription drugs!”) when Nurse Barney Kabob entered in his wheelchair. Barney told Father Bob that his misfortune had turned him against Jesus, then started messing with Bob’s mind until the chaplain didn’t know what to believe.
The great actress Svetlana Gorkytrotsky had come to the hospital all the way from Lithuania for a colon transplant. Nurse Vanessa Goodhead informed her that the colon was ready, then demanded up-front payment for the illicit operation. Svetlana threatened Vanessa and began ranting about Americans in general.
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was driving the ambulance while paramedic Rosie Jay took a rest in the passenger seat. Exhausted, Yummy passed the steering wheel over to Rosie, then passed out and flatlined (but only for a moment).
Todd Baio was in the hospital gift shop, considering a gift of Post-It Notes for his mother’s birthday. Vanessa entered, and they began reminiscing about the time they played “love-me-love-me-not” with a Post-It pad. They began arguing about their relationship and Todd’s responsibility for Barney’s paralysis. Suddenly, Vanessa noticed that the shop’s cash register was missing.
Corky was tearfully watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Barney wheeled in. Corky explained that he was sad because the dragons lied to him. Barney asked him what happens to a dragon that lies, and Corky replied that a big old Sasquatch beats them up. Barney explained that Todd Baio was the lying dragon who had put him in a wheelchair, and he needed Corky to be the Sasquatch that punishes him.
Yummy Wampler came to Svetlana’s room to check her vitals. As Yummy went about her business, Svetlana practiced her American accent by mimicking Yummy mercilessly. Suddenly, Yummy noticed that the vital-signs machine was missing. She wondered whether Todd might have taken it, since actors are essentially untrustworthy. This led Svetlana into a impassioned defense of the actor’s art, which ended with Svetlana embodying a tree.
Rosie was going over some paperwork at the triage station when Father Bob came by. She told him that she was thinking of quitting her job, because she was sick of all the carnage and death she encountered. The talk of carnage and death reminded Father Bob about Rosie’s own decapitated baby, and Rosie explained that Corky was working on reviving her. Father Bob consulted his Bible on the subject.
Wandering through the halls, Svetlana ran into Todd Baio, who was awestruck to see his acting idol. Svetlana commanded Todd to demonstrate his skills by being a dog. Svetlana was deeply disappointed by Todd’s performance.
In the nurses’ lounge, Corky noticed that the TV set was missing. Yummy entered, and Corky shared his concerns about the recent series of thefts…and on top of that, he’d run out of Chapstick. Yummy promised to investigate, and gave him her lipstick in the meantime.
Svetlana Gorkytrotsky was giving Todd some acting lessons in the chapel, instructing him to embody the number 465. To pay for his acting lessons, Todd had gathered some things he knew Svetlana needed: A colon and appendix, plus a vital-signs machine to monitor the operation, and a TV set to keep her occupied.
Rosie Jay was at the bar, drowning her sorrows and singing “Heartbreaker.” Barney wheeled in, and they spent some time commiserating and bickering. He told her about his plan to get revenge on Todd, and asked for her help.
Vanessa was at the triage station when Father Bob brought in a patient. After drawing a blood sample, Vanessa took his blood pressure by applying a sphygmomanometer to his crotch. She then gave him her phone number as a “prescription.”
Rosie was still drowning her sorrows at the bar when Corky entered with some good news: He had managed to gather enough stem cells to save her baby. Just then, Rosie’s baby entered…a disembodied head on a robotic platform. (“She’s even more beautiful than I remembered!”) Corky explained that this was only a temporary measure, until they could get a donor body.
Getting completely into character as a surgeon, Todd Baio was preparing to perform a colon transplant on Svetlana Gorkystrotsky, with Yummy Wampler assisting. Todd put Svetlana under by hitting her with a ladle (“One of these days, we’ll get in some anesthesiologists”), then began the operation by inserting the colon in Svetlana’s mouth while Yummy pulled it through the other end.
Barney rolled into the confessional and began railing against God (“Where are Your footprints now?”). When Father Bob responded, Barney mistook him for the voice of God, and Bob played along. Eventually, Barney admitted his own hatred and jealousy, and strained to reach up to God…and as he reached up, he rose to his feet.
In the nurses’ lounge, Corky began flirting with Vanessa, and she warned him not to break any of the rules of appropriate behavior they’d agreed on. Corky touched her breast, pointing out that the rules didn’t cover that.
TO BE CONTINUED…