Episode 5: Think Long and Hard
Having returned from a pharmaceutical convention, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was discussing the plans for the hospital’s 100th anniversary celebration with Head Nurse Yummy Wampler. When Yummy complained that their budget problems would keep them from doing anything worthy of the momentous occasion, Sturgis mentioned a possible solution: at the convention, he’d learned about a new drug, Cialaviaglevitra, which not only cured erectile dysfunction, but enlarged the penis and tasted like cherry soda. However, since it hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, it would be illegal for them to profit from it.
In the ambulance, Paramedic Rosie Jay was transporting Patience Dorgan-Honer, a woman who had attempted to extract her own kidney. When Rosie noted that Patience was remarkably conscious for such an ordeal, Patience replied that she was so used to donating her organs that it didn’t affect her anymore. She went on to explain that she made her living by receiving transplants and then later donating the organs at a profit. Suddenly, Rosie was struck by a psychic premonition: she saw Sturgis St. Cloud talking baseball with accountant Stern Boyer. Rosie knew that this seemingly innocent vision masked a darker meaning.
While preparing for the centennial celebration, Dr. Corky Howser told Nurse Barney Kabob how much he admired Barney’s cool, tough image. He asked if Barney would help him be cool by giving him a prison tattoo. Barney agreed, and offered to make Corky his prison buddy.
Todd Baio was decorating a centennial cake at the triage station when Stern Boyer arrived and clumsily knocked everything over. Stern explained that he was a big fan of Todd’s acting work (especially “Ski Patrol Jesters”), and had arranged Todd’s pseudo-internship at the hospital to further his career. Now, Stern demanded payment.
As Yummy and Corky were blowing up balloons, Yummy began rambling on with numerous plans for the centennial and her own personal life. When Corky asked about her sudden hyperactivity, she explained that Sturgis had given her a sample of the new drug. Corky began to lecture her on their sacred oath as medical personnel, but got distracted by a balloon.
Stern Boyer entered Sturgis St. Cloud’s office to discuss the hospital’s financial troubles. Sturgis replied that he’d found the answer, and gave Stern a sample of Cialaviaglevitra. Exclaiming that the effect was like “a volcano in my pants,” Stern found himself unable to focus on anything else.
In the examination room, Patience Dorgan-Honer presented Todd Baio with a cooler full of organs that she’d brought in, then demanded payment. She explained that she was basically a go-between for black-market organs, and Todd pondered the ethics of her business.
Rosie Jay tried to warn Barney about her premonition, explaining that the baseball conversation was really an omen of death. However, Barney couldn’t concentrate because of the sexual tension between them. They worried that things would get weird between them if they did it, and they started to argue. Then they kissed passionately.
Seventeen minutes later, the post-coital Rosie informed Barney that there could never be anything more than a physical relationship between them, because she was in love with somebody else. Barney was okay with that, until she told him that the person she loved was Corky. Then it got weird.
Sturgis St. Cloud made an illicit drug deal in the chapel, instructing the buyer to make future purchases by stopping by the confessional booth and giving the password “I’ve had impure thoughts about an impure donkey.”
The hopped-up Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Stern Boyer entered, covering his crotch and moaning in desperation. Suddenly, Stern went into penile arrest.
After operating on her, Dr. Corky Howser was enthusiastically telling Patience Dorgan-Honer about his new best friend Barney. He showed her his new “prison tattoo” of himself and Barney, and listed all the cool things they did together…including Barney putting his ding-dong in Corky’s secret place. Shocked, Patience tried to tell Corky that wasn’t the act of a best friend, but of “a takin’-advantage-of sonofabitch.” Just then, Yummy rushed in and told Corky that Stern needed emergency care for his erection. Corky immediately covered his ass.
At the centennial celebration, Barney Kabob sat in the dunking booth, taunting the customers. Todd walked by, dejected by a heckler’s comment about his mime routine. Barney stepped out of the booth and offered Todd some encouragement. Touched by Barney’s understanding, Todd said that if he ever had children, he’d want Barney to be their godfather and take care of them. He then presented Barney with a hand-made award for childcare. Barney stepped onto the platform and began an acceptance speech…and was immediately dunked.
For her act, Rosie entertained the crowd with some ambulance stunt-driving in the parking lot, while Sturgis waved out the window. Rosie told Sturgis that she knew he was responsible for Yummy’s recent manic behavior, and warned him to lay off. In response, Sturgis distracted Rosie and planted some drugs in her ambulance.
Corky prepared to operate on Stern Boyer, assisted by Yummy and Patience; however, he found the sight of Stern’s bulging “ding-dong” too traumatic to proceed. Desperate and furious, Stern began threatening them until Corky knocked him out with his “retard-grip.” Patience mentioned to Corky that Sturgis St. Cloud had promised to marry her if she kept giving the hospital her business. Aghast, Yummy confessed that Sturgis had proposed to her as well.
Barney was cleaning up the parking lot after the festivities when Corky came by. Upset by Rosie’s feelings for Corky, Barney first snapped angrily at him, then began sobbing and told Corky to treat her nice. Corky had no idea what Barney was talking about.
TO BE CONTINUED…