Season 9, Episode 10: Five Weddings and an Infanticide

And now, the concluding episode of the Moonbase Casino season!

Episode 10: Five Weddings and an Infanticide

As Armageddon Uno helped set up the turbo engines, Altair-9000 described a dream he had of a snail crawling on a razor blade…being cut in half just as humanity soon would be. Armageddon revealed that he’d begun to have second thoughts about sending the moon into the sun and killing everybody in the solar system.

ALTAIR: “You would be saving the human race by destroying it.”
ARMAGEDDON: “I like the puzzle that puts in my mind.”

Suddenly, the Computron reported a virus error in Engine 7, which might foil their plans. They went out to fix the problem.

Having faked their deaths during the big death-match, Dmitri Turnankoff and Gortex returned to the moonbase after running off to Saturn to get married. As they began making suggestive overtures to each other, the shuttle computer reported a virus error. They ignored it and went off to have sex.

Playing video poker with Stephan Fechet, Prince Schmultan finally realized that everything is rigged in favor of the casino. Schmultan noticed that Stephan had brought a mini-bike. Stephan explained that the moon’s gravity was going to pull the Earth’s oceans into space like a plume, and he was going to ride that trail of water down in the ultimate extreme sport. Suddenly, Schmultan’s laser-sword staff reported a virus error.

Tamborina asked Dr. Gaye Hoelikker to look after Lumpy (the baby that Gaye had given to Tamborina) while Tamborina was on her honeymoon with Schmultan. (“So, you’re asking me to look after my own child that I gave away and am going to leave forever, giving me a chance to fall in love with her all over again?”) Gaye agreed, then gave Tamborina a wedding present…an ornate treasure chest she made out of Hawkman guano. Tamborina could leave the chest to Lumpy after she dies…or, by breathing on it just right, the chest could miraculously extend her life. Having accepted her imminent death, Tamborina resented suddenly having to make a choice between her own future and her baby’s. Gaye assured Tamborina that Lumpy didn’t have much of a future, having Admiral Blanket as a father. Suddenly, Tamborina’s cigarette reported a virus error.

After deleting the virus in Engine 7, Armageddon Uno and Altair high-fived. When Altair yelled “Ow,” Armageddon was surprised to learn that Altair could actually feel physical sensations. Armageddon tested this further by tickling Altair. Armageddon began having second thoughts about their partnership, fearing that it would damage his macho reputation to work with a ticklish, sensitive robot.

Shocked to see Gortex alive and well, Schmultan explained that he’d tried to accept Gortex’ death, and had moved on to a relationship with Tamborina. After an awkward discussion of their feelings for each other, Gortex sang Schmultan a Klingon love song…in Klingon.

Out on the moon surface, Dmitri ran into Tamborina (who hadn’t even noticed that he was gone). Tamborina explained that she was going to leave Lumpy on the lunar surface to die. Dmitri was appalled that she could even consider such cruelty, but she replied that a quick death at the jaws of space-dingoes would be preferable to the suffering of life. Dmitri offered to take Lumpy and raise her in the family he was starting with Gortex. Hearing that Gortex was still alive, Tamborina feared that he might steal Schmultan’s heart back.

In preparation for the X-Games, Stephan went to Dr. Gaye Hoelikker for some performance-enhancing drugs. Amazed to see him walking again, Gaye expressed her surprise in her typically awkward manner. (“I thought you’d just be a human mollusk for the rest of your life.”) She apologized for her insensitivity, and Stephan urged her to turn her heart around. They began singing “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” then he invited her to get on his mini-bike’s handlebars and join him in getting away from there.

Tamborina went to see Schmultan to discuss the upcoming wedding, and was surprised to see Gortex there as well.

SCHMULTAN: “It’s not what you think! We were having sex, that’s all!”

In despair, Tamborina cried that she was going to give the treasure-chest’s life-extending powers to Lumpy, since she now had nothing to live for herself. Schmultan pleaded that he loved her, but she refused to believe him. (“We’ve had this conversation every week for the past 9 weeks, and I ain’t buying!”)

Dmitri was alone in the bar when Armageddon Uno burst in. After recovering from the initial shock of seeing Dmitri alive again, Armageddon explained that they had to stop Altair’s plan by turning the moon back around. They began singing a variation of “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Later, Armageddon and Dmitri were trying to figure out a way to reverse the moon’s path. (“We could point the engines in the other direction, but that seems to simple.”) Dmitri suggested that they get all the Hawk-people to simultaneously flap their wings in one direction while pushing against the moon. Suddenly, Dmitri remembered the doomsday device he’d planted on the base some time before.

Dr. Gaye Hoelikker and Stephan stole a shuttlecraft and set off for the planet Mystic Handjob, where they would build a new life and raise a family of babies with speech impediments and no moral center. As Gaye rhapsodized about their future together, Stephan had a spontaneous orgasm…which was a problem, since he only had one pair of pants.

Having run off in despair after her confrontation with Schmultan, Tamborina was alone with Lumpy on the lunar surface, so that they could die together.

Altair and Gortex ran into each other during their separate rampages through the moonbase. Altair informed Gortex that he had no business on the moonbase now…he’d only been there due to the blood-debt he owed to Captain Flash Buckstar, and Altair had killed Buckstar. Enraged, Gortex swore an oath of blood-vengeance…an oath that took the form of a song. Altair joined in.

Prince Schmultan addressed the Hawk-people to announce two major events: his wedding and their impending doom. Schmultan explained that his bride-to-be had run off, and that he would now marry anyone who’d have him…except that one audience member who yelled “Pick me!”

While flying overhead, Gaye and Stephan noticed Tamborina and Lumpy surrounded by space-dingoes. Gaye threw down a ladder and descended to Tamborina’s side, blasting the dingoes with her Cosmic Disemboweler. As Tamborina thanked Gaye for saving her life, Stephan suddenly shouted “See ya later, bitches!” and flew off on his own.

Searching for the doomsday device, Dmitri ran into Altair, who boasted of his plan to destroy the solar system. (“You’re dead and you don’t even know it…and not because you died a couple of weeks ago.”) Dmitri did the only thing possible to get past Altair…tickling him.

Armageddon Uno ran into Schmultan, who told him that the moon’s path could be reversed by the Hawk-people’s secret Giant Gearshift built into the moon…but they needed a huge explosion to activate it.

As Gaye carried Tamborina to safety, they suddenly realized that they’d forgotten all about Lumpy. Once again, they both fell into deep despair.

GAYE: “I think I have something to put us out of our misery.”
TAMBORINA: “Is it a big fuckin’ gun to put to my head?”
GAYE: “It’s a big secret password to a doomsday device.”

Gaye explained that her toy, Mr. Mister 4th of July, held all the moonbase’s secrets, including the password.

Stephan crashed the shuttle into the casino, utterly destroying it. Then he walked away, whooping with excitement.

Armageddon and Schmultan were in the wedding hall, searching for the doomsday device, when Dmitri arrived. Seeing the wedding cake, Dmitri remembered that he hid the doomsday device in the cake-topper. Schmultan offered to set it off, explaining that he had nothing to live for. Just then, Lumpy crawled in. They agreed that Lumpy would be the perfect person to make the sacrifice, since she had no future and nobody who’d miss her. Schmultan stuffed the cake into Lumpy’s pajamas, then threw her into a portal to the engines.

ARMAGEDDON: “Okay, everybody says I’m the asshole…I’d just like to point out that you two just strapped a bomb to a baby and threw her in a hole!”

Rampaging across the moon surface, Gortex ran into Tamborina and Gaye. Gaye angrily accused Gortex of playing around with everybody and breaking everyone’s heart. Gortex defended himself by claiming that, although he’d formed relationships with four different people, he hadn’t betrayed any of them…remember, Klingons have five genders.

The blast of the doomsday device blew Stephan into the wedding hall. Assessing the damage, Dmitri declared that, although half of the moon had been blown away (“the dark side is gone, but nobody’ll miss it”), the remaining half was restored to its rightful orbit and everything was fine. Just then, Gortex, Gaye, and Tamborina entered. Gortex demanded that Armageddon use his authority as a ship captain to perform a Klingon wedding ceremony for Gortex, Dmitri, Schmultan, Tamborina, and Gaye…the five people who would make the perfect couple. Everybody was so overjoyed that they forgave Altair for trying to destroy all life. Armageddon performed the ceremony, and the five brides and grooms performed the traditional Klingon simultaneous five-way tongue-kiss. The computer reported a virus error.

THE END