A new season, new setting, new characters, new ways to offend...this time, SCANDAL! goes to a hospital.
Episode 1: The Best Medicine
In a little hospital in Little Five Points, in a long-unused storage unit, a mouse knocked a small vial off of a shelf…a vial labeled “smallpox.”
Meanwhile, at the hospital’s triage station, Nurse Barney Kabob was filling out some forms when paramedic Rosie Jay entered. After a brief conversation, they agreed to go out for dinner after work.
Dr. Corky Howser, the 15-year-old medical prodigy with Down’s Syndrome, handed some X-rays to Nurse Vanessa Goodhead, inadvertently brushing her breast with his elbow as he did so. As Corky apologized for the accident, Vanessa seductively asked if he’d like to do something not accidental. When he refused, she threatened to report him, but he pointed out that his condition makes him blameless for any accidents. (“I’m retarded; it’s like carte blanche.”)
Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was restocking syringes when actor Todd Baio arrived. Todd had agreed to help out at the hospital while researching his next character, and Yummy had accepted his offer because they were understaffed. Inspired by her dedication, Todd declared that he would base his character on her, and reached out to stroke her hair (getting his lollipop stuck in the process).
Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Father Bob Houdini, the hospital chaplain, were playing tic-tac-toe. Father Bob revealed that his skill was a result of his Catholic training, enabling him to see into people’s souls. Sturgis replied that, although he had been raised Presbymethodist, he had since turned away from religion and embraced the path of science. The debate began to get heated, but then they sat down to play again.
In the hospital snack bar, the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was telling Todd Baio about his date with Rosie. Barney was nervous, since he hadn’t been on a date with a woman in five years, having been in prison. Todd warned Barney that he had some history with Rosie, and knew that she was a dangerous woman.
After demonstrating his new technique for performing tracheotomies with Capri Sun straws, Dr. Corky Howser asked Sturgis St. Cloud for romantic advice. Sturgis recommended that he be bold and put on a show of bravado, but Corky protested that he was only 15 and had Down’s Syndrome. Sturgis told him not to let that stop him.
STURGIS: “I don’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’ Literally. I had it omitted from my education so that it wouldn’t hold me back.”
Father Bob Houdini was taking a ride-along in the ambulance with Rosie Jay. Taking the bullhorn, Father Bob jokingly called out to the sky: “Are you there, God? It’s me and Margaret”…then segued into his own bizarre theological theory of the purpose of menstruation. After waiting patiently for him to finish, Rosie asked Father Bob for some advice, explaining that she’d been having visions of the future.
Nurse Vanessa Goodhead brought in a patient to see Yummy Wampler. As Yummy was distracted by a phone call, Vanessa gave the patient a prescription of her own…a hot shower with her.
Corky came to Father Bob’s confessional booth for the first time (since his condition had granted him a blameless life until now). After confessing that he had touched a lady’s booby and that he’d like to do it again, Father Bob pointed out that he was still committing the sin of impure thoughts, and that filthy thoughts hurt God so much, they make God poop Himself…and nobody wants that.
Rosie Jay was in her apartment when Barney arrived for their date. After a bit of conversation (interrupted by the periodic snorting of a pet pig), Barney asked her about her history with Todd Baio. Rosie admitted that they’d had a relationship, but it ended when Todd took her baby from her. She asked Barney to help her get her baby back.
Sturgis St. Cloud was in surgery with Yummy Wampler, who complained that the hospital was losing patients due to the lack of rubber gloves. Sturgis replied that there was no room in the budget for such an expense, then cheered her up by carving a portrait of her in the patient’s abdomen.
In the morgue, Todd Baio was giving Vanessa Goodhead a demonstration of his new nurse character. As he performed, Vanessa posed seductively on top of the body until something snapped.
Rosie Jay and Corky were playing jacks on the roof when Corky complained of “itchy freckles.” After a quick examination, Rosie realized that those weren’t itchy freckles…they were smallpox! Initially disbelieving her diagnosis, Corky soon realized that there was only one doctor in this hospital capable of treating smallpox…namely, himself.
Due to the staff shortage, Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Father Bob came in for a chili cheese dog. As Yummy took an emergency phone call, Bob warned her that the stress and overwork were taking a toll on her health. Telling her that she had to put herself ahead of the hospital for once, Bob confiscated her cell phone and told her to take some time for herself. She had no idea what to do.
In the parking lot, Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio about Rosie’s baby. Todd confessed that he had used his relationship with Rosie to get a foot in the door in showbiz…he’d taken the baby to Tokyo and traded it for acting lessons.
Later, Dr. Sturgis St. Cloud called a staff meeting and announced that there was a smallpox epidemic. Suddenly, Barney Kabob fainted.
STURGIS: “It’s all right, he doesn’t have smallpox. He’s just a pussy.”
TO BE CONTINUED…