Episode 16: Twenty Years Later
The year is 2011, and Little Five Points High is preparing for the Class of 1991’s 20-year reunion. Principal Spoon (recuperating from his latest stroke) and Mr. (formerly Ms.) Munsen-Meyer stood by the lockers, reminiscing about old times. Munsen-Meyer recalled all those years he had spent lying to himself and living as a woman, and Spoon sang a slow, sad song about the passage of time.
At the Tasker Mansion, Owen Tasker and Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker were getting ready for the reunion. Sterling was reluctant to return to the school, and was only willing to go because Owen had promised her more Botox treatments. Owen was eager to survey the school property once more, since it was the one piece of real estate in Little Five Points he didn’t yet own. Once it was his, he would tear down the school and build a Wal-Mart.
Joe Luderman, P.I., ran into Todd Schrader, who had just flown in from Tonga and was still wearing his jungle garb. Joe and Todd hadn’t seen each other since they fought on opposite sides in the great Mustache Wars, but now greeted each other as friends. Todd explained that his wife, Gwendolyn Pinchot-Schrader, was unable to attend the reunion as she couldn’t get away from her duties teaching sign language to Tongan Death-Apes. Joe remarked that he hadn’t gone to the reunion of the high school he actually graduated from, but he couldn’t pass up this reunion because he considered his undercover days at L5PH to be his REAL high school.
Mr. Cook was reminiscing in a classroom when former Assistant Coach Damon walked in, looking considerably worse for wear. Damon explained that, after leaving the school, he had joined the Harlem Dodgeballers…or, rather, the Dodgeballers’ sister team that always played them. After 9 years of constantly losing to the Dodgeballers’ wacky antics, he finally realized that it was fixed, so he quit. He’d been just barely scraping by ever since, but he had come back because he’d heard that somebody was planning on buying Little Five Points High and eliminating the last vestige of public education in Georgia. Cook observed that, as bedraggled as Damon was, his package was larger than ever. Damon explained that he’d taken a dodgeball in the gut, forcing his intestines into his scrotum.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker was on the roof, reminiscing. Just then, Oral Hanks from Josten’s arrived. Sterling was surprised to see him, and remarked that the idea of the class ring salesman coming for the reunion was just really stupid.
ORAL: “Well, one man’s stupidity is another man’s idiocy…and that man is me.”
Oral offered Sterling a treatment even better than Botox…some super-DNA that can make her immortal. His price: Half a million dollars.
STERLING: “Ha! Half a million means nothing to me!”
ORAL: “Oh, did I say half a million? I meant a million.”
STERLING: “A million and a half and that’s my final offer.”
ORAL: “You’ve haggled me into submission.”
Principal Spoon met with Owen Tasker in the Tasker Towers offices. Spoon told Owen that Little Five Points High would never be sold as long as Spoon lived. Owen replied that that wouldn’t be much longer, considering what bad shape Spoon was in…one more stroke would likely finish him off. Owen then called in somebody to change Spoon’s mind. In walked a huge, menacing red creature with a big gun. Owen introduced it as Nekon, the Wal-Monster…a new corporate mascot that more accurately reflects the company’s goals, replacing that silly smiley-face. Unable to resist Nekon, Spoon signed away the school. Owen then ordered Nekon to take Spoon away and kill him.
Todd Schrader was hanging out on the gravity-ball field (formerly the football field from his jock days), when he received an incoming transmission from Gwen in Tonga. They attempted a conversation, but Gwen didn’t appear to be able to understand Todd’s responses.
Joe Luderman and Mr. Munsen-Meyer ran into each other in the cafeteria. Joe wasn’t prepared to call Munsen-Meyer “Mr.” yet, even though it was their sexual encounter that had caused Munsen-Meyer to accept his masculinity. Joe observed that gazing at Munsen-Meyer was like looking into a mirror…especially since they now both had the same mustache. Munsen-Meyer replied that he had indeed patterned his new life after Joe. Touched, Joe agreed to have coffee with him.
Oral Hanks met with Mr. Cook to discuss the school’s future. Oral revealed that Owen’s plans didn’t stop with Little Five Points High: he was going to turn the whole of Little Five Points into a Wal-Mart, and would force all the homeless people to work as greeters…even Wolf from the corner of Ponce & Briarcliff. They agreed that he must be stopped. Oral mentioned that he’d had military training during the Mustache Wars (which were kicked off by President Kerry’s decision to grow facial hair), but he couldn’t do it alone. They needed to build a Coalition of the Willing.
In the streets of Little Five Points, there is a legend of a long-forgotten hero who would re-emerge in the city’s darkest hour. Could the time have come for…the Fighting Panhandler?
Former Assistant Coach Damon went to the penthouse of Tasker Towers to confront Owen. Damon informed Owen that, if the school closed, he would carry on the cause of education by going door-to-door as a home-schooling gym teacher. Bored with Damon’s defiance, Owen called in Nekon. Damon immediately surrendered.
Principal Spoon was languishing in the dungeon of Tasker Towers when the Fighting Panhandler suddenly burst in and rescued him.
On the roof, Oral Hanks tried to persuade Joe to join the Coalition of the Willing. Joe replied that his fighting days were over, and that he was now proud to be a pussy. However, he changed his mind when Oral described a vision of Little Five Points as a giant Wal-Mart. Oral then offered Joe a sample of super-DNA that would make him 30% invulnerable. (“Now, you might think this DNA tastes like my semen…well, that’s accurate.”)
Todd Schrader smashed down the door of Owen’s office to confront him. Todd told Owen that he didn’t care if his resistance cost him his life, as he was at peace with his jungle gods. Owen replied that he knew what Todd DID care about…and with that, he pulled out a cute and cuddly Tongan Death-Ape, then snapped its neck. Owen told Todd that he had a whole truckload of apes in captivity, and he’d snap all their necks. Then he’d fly down to Tonga and do the same to Gwen. Owen went into a happy neck-snappin’ dance.
Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were reminiscing about old times. Cook told Munsen-Meyer that he’d always suspected there was something masculine about “her”…maybe it was that time he walked in on him naked in the office. Cook reflected on his own rich, full life, which included winning a Nobel Peace Prize for saving Jimmy Carter’s life. He asked Munsen-Meyer to join the Coalition of the Willing.
Principal Spoon, Oral Hanks, Joe Luderman and the Fighting Panhandler were planning their assault on Tasker Towers. Joe would dress up as a girl and create a distration, while the Panhandler drives a truck full of dynamite into the nearby power station. (The Panhandler was eager to carry out his part, even after it was pointed out that it would kill him.) Just then, Mr. Cook arrived with their secret weapon…Pepper the dodgeball. However, there was only one person who could wield Pepper efficiently: Former Assistant Coach Damon. They needed to find Damon and bring him to their side. Joe asked if he still needed to dress up as a girl.
Meanwhile, Damon confronted Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker about her Botox dependency. She told him that Oral Hanks had offered her something even better than Botox. Damon couldn’t remember how many times he’d fallen for that trick.
Principal Spoon and Mr. Cook were scaling the walls of Tasker Towers when Todd Schrader confronted them. He explained that he had no choice but to serve Owen, as the lives of thousands of Tongan Death-Apes were at stake. Spoon turned to Cook and revealed a bizarre fact about his affliction: Whenever he has a stroke, he also passes it on to anybody he’s in contact with when it hits him. Following Spoon’s request, Cook threw Pepper the dodgeball at Spoon, simultaneously inducing a stroke and knocking him into Todd.
Joe Luderman (in drag) and Mr. Munsen-Meyer were sneaking through the tower to create a diversion when former Assistant Coach Damon appeared. Damon was initially taken aback to see that Munsen-Meyer was a man, but soon regained his composure and called upon dark forces to summon Pepper to his hand. In a slow-motion fight scene, Damon hurled Pepper at Joe’s head. Joe withstood this injury, but just as he was about to take out Damon, Pepper ricocheted and struck Joe in the back, finishing him off.
Sterling Schremerhorn-Tasker confronted her husband about his evil plans, telling him that no Wal-Mart was worth human lives. Owen replied that this wasn’t about Wal-Mart, it was about getting revenge on everybody who mistreated him in high school. Just then, a truck crashed through the window. Mr. Cook, Oral Hanks, and the Fighting Panhandler emerged from the truck. Everybody else who was still alive rushed in after hearing the crash, and the final face-off began. Sterling attempted to defuse the violence, but Owen ordered Nekon to shoot her if she got in the way of his true targets. Stunned that Owen was willing to sacrifice her, Sterling joined the Coalition of the Willing. With the battle lines drawn, chaos ensued. Nekon and the Panhandler engaged in a mascot-on-mascot struggle. The battle carried Mr. Cook and Mr. Munsen-Meyer out of the room, and shortly afterwards the detached wheels of Mr. Cook’s wheelchair rolled by, hinting at some horrific fate. Sterling was killed by a stray bullet. Distraught by her death, Damon rejoined the side of good. He tried to subdue Nekon by throwing Pepper at it, to no effect. Owen retrieved Pepper and hurled it at the stroke-afflicted Todd Schrader, killing him. In desperation, Damon reached into his shorts and pulled out his own intestines to strangle Nekon, destroying the Wal-Monster at the cost of his own life. Oral Hanks knelt beside the mortally-injured Fighting Panhandler, who passed along his oversize mascot glove-hand to Oral. Using the power of the Panhandler hand, Oral Hanks ripped out Owen’s heart. Left as the only survivor, Oral Hanks surveyed the carnage and delivered a moving speech.
ORAL: “You can’t tear out the heart of Little Five Points. Sometimes that heart smells of patchouli, sometimes it throws up on you at 3 AM…but it’s always beating. As I look at all these dead people, I know that they didn’t die in vain, because they saved the heart of Atlanta…these Little Points of Five.”