Episode 6: The Russo-German Campaign
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was going over some paperwork with the new Russian exchange student, Poonivich Pantisoff.
MUNSEN-MEYER: “What exactly do you want to get out of the school year?”
POONIVICH: “Blue jeans.”
Meanwhile, the German music teacher Glenn Wilfong was trying to teach the basics to Todd Schrader. Wilfong gave Todd detention for staring at his prosthetic hand (which he insisted was real). Todd retorted that his football practice exempted him from detention, but that didn’t matter to Wilfong.
With the student council elections coming up, Miller had covered the school with campaign signs (written on empty beer cartons). Miller’s running-mate, the Fighting Panhandler, used pantomime to suggest a campaign slogan: “Miller digs wagons and dynamite!”
Principal Spoon stopped by the Crash Pad to talk to Gwendolyn Pinchot about her campaign for student council. She didn’t have much confidence going up against Miller, but Spoon pointed out that she had one advantage over Miller…a heart of gold. (“Wow, nobody’s ever said that to me except my dead father.”) She told Spoon that, since her father’s death, she looked up to him as a father figure. The principal warned her, “Don’t stand so close to me.”
Assistant Coach Damon was telling Poonivich Pantisoff about the American way of life. He explained that America was a land of opportunity, where, with enough hard work and determination, anybody could earn minimum wage. He suggested that Pooni run for student council, but she was too preoccupied by staring at his crotch.
Up on the rooftop, Miller was delivering a campaign speech to the students below. Ms. Munsen-Meyer arrived and forbade him from running for student council. Miller shoved her, leading to a scuffle between them. Ms. Munsen-Meyer finally got Miller in a choke-hold until he fell limp.
Glenn Wilfong informed Principal Spoon that he was removing Todd Schrader from football practice to serve detention. Todd suddenly burst into the office and angrily confronted Wilfong, throwing his monocle to the floor. Wilfong swore to increase Todd’s punishment.
Assistant Coach Damon was offering some campaign advice to Gwen, even though she wanted to cut the athletics program entirely. Damon explained that he was once as rebellious as her, even mailing the principal a homemade pipe bomb made out of Wesson Oil, Bisquick and chutney. This confession greatly increased Gwen’s respect for Damon. He suggested that she recruit Poonivich Pantisoff as her running-mate.
Ms. Munsen-Meyer was desperately trying to hide Miller’s unmoving body under her desk when Principal Spoon knocked on the door. Spoon was stunned to see the black eye that Munsen-Meyer had sustained in the struggle, but she made up an excuse about getting hit by a dodgeball. Suddenly, Miller regained consciousness and stood up…only to discover that he’d gone blind.
In the cafeteria, Gwen was trying to get Todd’s vote; he finally agreed to vote for her just to make her leave him alone. He apologized for his rudeness, explaining that he had some issues he was internalizing.
Assistant Coach Damon and Glenn Wilfong were working out in the gym, with Wilfong using his artificial hand to block Damon’s dodgeball.
Todd Schrader started vandalizing the music classroom, while the uncomprehending Poonivich looked on in confusion. Suddenly, Glenn Wilfong entered and saw the destruction.
Principal Spoon informed Assistant Coach Damon that he was eliminating dodgeball, due to Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury. Damon swore that the student council would be his puppet government and wrest control of the school from Spoon.
Gwen found Miller wandering sightlessly through the school, using his spoon to tap his way around the hall. He explained that Ms. Munsen-Meyer had blinded him, but she thought he was faking to get the sympathy vote.
A school court was held to determine the truth of Ms. Munsen-Meyer’s injury, with Principal Spoon presiding and Glenn Wilfong acting as advocate. When Munsen-Meyer testified that Damon lured her into the gym and hit her with a dodgeball, Wilfong revealed that HE was practicing with the school’s only dodgeball at the time of the alleged incident. Suddenly, Todd burst in with proof that Mr. Wilfong was, in fact, Adolf Hitler! Principal Spoon didn’t dispute Todd’s revelation, but pointed out that it was irrelevant to the hearing.
Gwen and Pooni devised a campaign song decrying the sales tax on cafeteria food and advocating public displays of affection in the halls. Pooni told Gwen “I want to kiss you in a lesplatonic way.” They did.
At the hearing, Wilfong called in Miller as a surprise witness. Blindly placing his hand on Damon’s crotch to swear himself in, Miller testified that he, not Damon, had given Munsen-Meyer her black eye. Munsen-Meyer tackled Miller and wrestled him to the ground again, restoring his sight the same way she had taken it away.
The student council candidates addressed the school for their final campaign speeches. By a show of hands, Miller was elected the winner.
Upset by her defeat, Gwen went to see Mr. Wilfong for advice. She complained that being nice and reaching out to people didn’t work, so now she wanted Wilfong to teach her the ways of evil and nastiness.
NEXT WEEK: Damon receives a tragic phone call.