Episode 2: You Got the Cutest Little Baby Face
Going frantic since Father Bob Houdini confiscated her cell phone, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler attempted to make a phone out of Dixie Cups and surgical tubing. (Much to her surprise, it worked.) Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud entered and offered her his beeper as a substitute, but Yummy needed a voice to talk to. Changing the subject to the smallpox epidemic, Yummy remembered the last time smallpox struck the hospital, back when she was a candy striper…and only she survived. Sturgis was not worried, since the dangerously high Botox levels in his body rendered him immune.
Dr. Corky Howser, the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted teen medical prodigy, was preparing to treat his own smallpox, with Nurse Vanessa Goodhead assisting. Corky was concerned for her safety, but she informed him that she was safe…she’d found the hospital’s supply of smallpox vaccine and taken it all herself. After recovering from the shock of her selfishness, Corky realized he could devise an even more effective vaccine from her blood and Sturgis’. However, Vanessa refused to let him scar her body by drawing blood.
Todd Baio was doing some acting exercises in his apartment when his former girlfriend, paramedic Rosie Jay, entered. She demanded to know what he want he wanted from her in exchange for the return of her baby. He informed her that he wanted to use her visions of the future to help him manage his career, and see whether he would get an Oscar nomination for “Operation Undersea Operation.” Rosie agreed, then asked where her baby was. Todd revealed that he had the baby in his bag all along…at least, its head.
Nurse Barney Kabob was working out in the exercise room, coached by Father Bob Houdini. After the workout, Father Bob informed Barney that the hospital was beset by a demon, and asked Barney to help him deal with it.
Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference, attempting to persuade the public that smallpox was actually beneficial. Corky rushed in and informed Sturgis that he could actually save lives for once by donating his blood. Sturgis said that he would only help if Corky could help Sturgis salvage his reputation as a surgeon. Corky agreed to let Sturgis take the credit for his work.
In the Little Varsity Jr., Vanessa Goodhead asked Yummy the secret of her compassion and dedication. Vanessa explained that she wanted to be taken seriously as a nurse, and not just be thought of as the hospital skank. Then she went to go pick up a guy.
Father Bob was sitting in the confessional when Rosie Jay burst in and tearfully informed him that she was holding an infant’s head in her hands. Shocked, Father Bob stormed out of the booth and declared her to be “Mrs. Satan” and utterly irredeemable. First, he explained, she was a woman and therefore inherently evil, then she had demonic clairvoyant powers, and now she’d committed infanticide. She tried to explain that the decapitation was Todd Baio’s doing, but he wouldn’t hear any of it.
Barney Kabob confronted Todd Baio in the hallway, knocking Todd over with a chair.
In the chapel, Father Bob was preparing his evil-hunting gear when Nurse Vanessa Goodhead came in and checked him for smallpox by examining his genitals. Appalled by her inherently evil feminine touch, Father Bob punched her in the face.
Yummy Wampler examined a patient from the audience. As she questioned him about his symptoms, Father Bob came by to administer last rites.
Rosie Jay attempted to leave the hospital when Dr. Corky Howser stopped her due to the quarantine. She explained that she needed to leave to give her baby’s head a proper burial. Moved by her tragedy, Corky offered to bring her baby back by putting the head on a new body. However, he would need a genetically compatible donor body…either her or, preferably, the father.
Sturgis St. Cloud was assuring Todd Baio that his work in the hospital would be invaluable to his acting career, explaining that the last actor who researched with them, Jorge Clooney, became the best fake doctor in Mexico. Fed up with Sturgis’ self-aggrandizing, Todd pointed out that Sturgis hadn’t noticed Todd coming and going despite the quarantine. They began fighting. After winning, Sturgis offered to teach Todd the secret of being popular despite his inadequacies.
In the examination room, Yummy Wampler was attending to Vanessa’s injured jaw. Since Vanessa couldn’t eat, Yummy ran an IV for her. Unfortunately, Vanessa’s fear of needles caused her to faint, hitting her head on the examination table in the process.
Todd Baio entered the supply closet for an “acting tutorial,” which was actually a ruse for Barney Kabob to ambush him and knock him over with a cart. Barney castigated Todd for violating the quarantine and spreading disease through the hospital, then attempted to handcuff him with some zip-ties (only to get his own hands caught in them instead). Todd explained that he had only spread illness in order to give Barney a challenge, to let him be the hero Todd knew he could be. Barney realized that Todd had a point, but knocked him down anyway.
Sturgis St. Cloud was apparently performing surgery, assisted by Rosie Jay. However, Corky was secretly standing behind Sturgis, acting as his arms and performing the operation himself. As Corky/Sturgis operated, Sturgis confided to Rosie that he was going to undergo experimental surgery himself soon, and that he might not make it. He told her how much he valued her work at the hospital, and offered her any favor she wanted if he pulls through. She asked him to dismiss Todd from the hospital.
Hoping to protect herself from the plague by barricading herself in the emergency room, Yummy Wampler was dragging the unconscious Vanessa to safety when she ran into Father Bob. When Yummy pleaded that Vanessa was injured, Bob explained that he’d hit her because she was inherently evil (being a woman). Yummy punched Father Bob in the face.
TO BE CONTINUED…