Episode 3: Oh, So THAT’S Who That Stranger Was
Ex-Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to Sam the Horse seeking advice about the loss of her job. As Madeline lamented the town’s descent into lawlessness, Sam proposed using that lawlessness to their advantage by strong-arming Mayor Hop Hop to get their way.
The town schoolteacher, Will McGotnuthin, went into the general store to buy some much-needed paper. Shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus was too distraught by the near-fatal shooting of his bobcat, Mr. Nosy, to be of much assistance, so Will offered to listen to Roswell’s troubles. Roswell explained that the mysterious stranger who shot Mr. Nosy last week was in fact Nosy’s previous owner, Stinkum. A long time ago, Roswell rescued Nosy from Stinkum’s mistreatment (burning down Stinkum’s home in the process), and Stinkum finally tracked them down last week. When Roswell explained that Nosy was saved by Brigham Young’s miraculous healing powers, Will’s eyes turned cold. Will stated that he had taken an instant dislike to Brigham due to the fact that Brigham pointed a gun at him every time they met…and that he didn’t expect to change his mind about Brigham anytime soon. Suddenly, Roswell remembered that Brigham had left a gift for the new school…a whole ream of paper.
As Constance Snell was cleaning up in the saloon, she was surprised when a pigtailed 12-year-old girl suddenly burst in. After Constance treated the starving waif to some pie, the girl explained that she’d been on the run her whole life because her father was always getting run out of town…usually after touching a sick or injured child. Constance offered to be her new mom.
Hop Hop and Red Clay were going over the paperwork to return Little One Point to the Chipapoo tribe when Red Clay remarked on the long, soft scroll the contract was written on. Hop Hop explained the Chinese invention of toilet paper, and Red Clay was so impressed that he asked Hop Hop to stay on as the town inventor. Getting back to the plans for Little One Point, Red Clay explained that Jed’s Saloon would be converted into a casino. Red Clay asked Hop Hop if he could invent a gambling machine to take the white man’s money, and Hop Hop suggested that they get Roswell Diabolicus to help them with that.
Brigham Young paid a visit to Madeline Clementine, bidding farewell before the inevitable torch-wielding mob runs him out of town for using his freakish healing powers. Madeline urged him to stand his ground, suggesting that he use his powers to heal himself if the torches burn him. Madeline told Brigham that they needed to come up with a solution to the Hop Hop/Red Clay conspiracy.
MADELINE: “For once, violence isn’t the answer.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I’ll believe THAT when I see it.”
As Constance Snell showed the little girl the sights of Little One Point, they ran into Sam the Horse. The girl introduced herself as Shirlene, and she and Sam hit it off (despite Sam repeatedly calling her “Charlene”).
As Constance had left the saloon unattended, Brigham Young was helping himself to some booze when Will McGotnuthin entered. They immediately went for their weapons. Brigham revealed that he recognized Will from the Wanted posters, but was willing to give him a chance to start anew as a schoolteacher.
BRIGHAM: “But I’m warning you…the first time a child gets a ‘B,’ I’m gonna fill you full of lead.”
WILL: “We don’t HAVE grades in Montessori school!”
BRIGHAM: “Then you might not last too long.”
Red Clay paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus at Castle Gayskull. Roswell asked Red Clay to help him repay Brigham Young for healing Mr. Nosy, suggesting that they organize a “torch party” for him. Red Clay agreed, since he wanted to treat the townspeople nice before he evicts them. Red Clay explained about how Hop Hop had returned the land to his tribe in exchange for his choice of ten Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo.” Pausing only to observe that buffalo are flat-chested, Roswell revealed that he had rigged the election to set up Hop Hop as his pawn. Red Clay suddenly realized that the deal was worthless…but his people were already on their way!
Hop Hop was having a cup of Earl Grey (despite his obvious distaste for the inferior English tea) when Sam the Horse burst in and made a lot of fake fighting noises to make Madeline think he was confronting Hop Hop. Sam explained that Madeline had been the one who got the townspeople to accept him, but despite that debt, he couldn’t bring himself to beat up Hop Hop. Understanding his predicament, Hop Hop invited Sam to kick him in the face to make it look really convincing. Sam did so.
Madeline visited Will McGotnuthin, explaining that she’d been dismissed from her sheriff position and was in need of a job.
MADELINE: “I don’t care for children, but I like talkin’. Can’t that make me a teacher?”
WILL: “Every teacher I ever knew!”
Will confessed that the only subject he really knew anything about was whipping, and that he needed someone as knowledgeable as Madeline to help him run the school.
Sitting at his campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors. He sheepishly explained that the new treaty wasn’t valid because Hop Hop was only a puppet (at which point he had to explain to them what a puppet was). His ancestors urged him to take back the land by any means necessary, and to put his hand inside the puppet head.
Brigham Young entered Jed’s Saloon and was shocked to find himself face-to-face with his long-lost daughter Shirlene. As Shirlene railed against her father for everything she’d been put through, Brigham explained that he HAD to use his healing gift when it’s needed. Shirlene put her father to the test by shooting herself in the foot. Brigham laid his hands upon her leg and called upon the Lord to heal her, which He did. As the torch party approached, Brigham apologized to Shirlene for having to run out on her once again. Shirlene urged Brigham to stand up to the mob for once, but he ran out anyway.
TO BE CONTINUED…