Episode 9: I Believe in Miracles
Commander Blanket and Armageddon Uno were admiring the rebuilt Jefferson Starship, Blanket’s old vessel from his Spaceforce days. Blanket was filled with feelings of inadequacy as a leader, but Armageddon (and Blanket’s bee finger-puppet) advised him to follow his heart. Blanket told Armageddon about his plan to start an outreach program on Retardo-Montalban 6, which has been populated entirely by special-needs people ever since an asteroid crashed into it, deleting everyone’s chromosomes (not to mention putting a huge dent in the planet).
Catherine Shamrock went to see Cody Gage to fit her up with a spacesuit. Having been conked on the head again in an attempt to restore her memory, Cody now believed herself to be the commander of the station, only DISGUISED as a lowly engineer. Catherine told Cody she was changing her image and getting tough, but soon broke down crying over her breakup with Scoop. Based on her knowledge of soap-opera relationships, Cody advised Catherine to get pregnant.
Jacob Fisher was fishing in the station’s artifical coy-pond when Scoop Quasar entered. They commiserated over their relationship problems. When Scoop said he felt fated to sleep with Catherine and only Catherine, Jacob suggested he just tell her that.
Edwina Prototype went to see Dr. Shika for the results of her quarterly gyrocological exam. Looking over the tests, Edwina was flabbergasted to discover that she’s pregnant! Edwina couldn’t understand how that could happen, given that she’s both an android and a virgin. Shika explained that Edwina’s body is 30% organic, and that’s the part that’s pregnant. Edwina realized that her reproductive system must be so efficient that the DNA in Jacob’s kiss was enough to impregnate her.
Armageddon was checking out the bridge of the Jefferson Starship, reminiscing about his own Spaceforce days before he went AWOL. Suddenly, Altair-9000 emerged from the hold. Armageddon complimented Altair on his new optics, and Altair did the same for Armageddon’s hairdo. Armageddon suggested taking the Jefferson Starship for a “test run” to the brothel on Retardo-Montalban 4. Accepting the offer, Altair disabled the explosives he’d just planted.
Commander Blanket was checking out the Zero-G hub of the station when Catherine Shamrock arrived. Blanket complimented her on her new look.
BLANKET: “You’re like Sandy at the end of ‘Grease.’ And as we all learned from that movie, once you go slutty, everyone will like you.”
Back at the coy-pond, Jacob was showing Scoop the proper way to put a caught fish out of its misery. He explained that, cruel as it may seem, it’s nature’s way to weed out the weak. Jacob then demonstrated the point by grabbing a limping chicken and swinging it around by the neck.
SCOOP: “So, you’re telling me you won’t love a woman, but you’ll take a little animal and shake it around till it dies?”
Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 were returning from the brothel, both extremely satisfied. Altair told Armageddon how much he was enjoying their time together, and that it reminded him of those old movies with a hotshot maverick pilot and his funny sidekick. Altair tried out his new “sidekick setting,” and started talking like a Wookiee.
Dr. Shika came to check up on Cody Gage. He knew that Armageddon’s amnesia cure hadn’t worked, and that Cody still believed herself to be someone else. However, Shika knew that a THIRD conk on the head would definitely work.
Edwina sang a tender ballad about cybernetic motherhood.
EDWINA: “Sometimes I thought that I would find a lover/Instead I find I’m to become a mother…”
Jacob Fisher interviewed Armageddon Uno for the farmhand job. Armageddon was surprised that Jacob kept pigs (having gotten the Amish and the Jews mixed up), but tried his hand at pitching hay. Armageddon got the job, and Jacob laid down the rules…no smoking, no drinking, etc. Jacob then confessed that he himself had become disillusioned with the Amish rules, and had given God one week to show him a miracle.
Dr. Shika and Cody went to the boiler room so she could recreate the accident that had originally wiped out her memory. Cody deliberately conked her head on the same pipe.
At the recharging station, Altair sensed the second heartbeat inside Edwina. Edwina thought that perhaps Jacob might consider this the miracle he had asked for, but Altair sneered that Jacob would just think of it as a monstrous abomination. Altair tried to persuade Edwina to turn the baby over to him, but Edwina just laughed.
Catherine Shamrock was about to blast off to an asteroid when Scoop rushed in and declared his love.
SCOOP: “I’m predetermined to have sex with only you!”
CATHERINE: “That is the sweetest thing you’ve ever said!”
Scoop explained that he hadn’t cheated on her with Edwina (“I would NEVER sleep with a British woman!”), and that he had been framed by Altair. Scoop & Catherine plotted revenge against the robot. When Scoop couldn’t come up with anything more specific than “making him feel bad,” Catherine revealed her ace in the hole…she had taken ROGER, Altair’s Remote Optical Generating Electronic Responder.
Edwina visited Jacob in the barn. They started talking about his challenge to God to show him a miracle.
EDWINA: “What exactly would constitute a miracle?”
JACOB: “Oh, parting a major body of water…my bull Angus talking…or some kind of virgin birth.”
EDWINA: “Yes, that would definitely be the big one, wouldn’t it?”
Edwina tried to break the news gradually by pointing out one particularly bright star outside the station, but Jacob didn’t get it. Finally, she confessed that she was pregnant. THEN Jacob got it.
Commander Blanket was on the bridge of the Jefferson Starship, headed towards Retardo-Montalban 6 and talking to his beehive. Suddenly, an alarm went off, informing Blanket that the ship was not only about to self-destruct, but that it was on a collision course with the planet. Blanket had two minutes to choose between escaping in a lifepod and steering the ship away from Retardo-Montalban 6.
TO BE CONTINUED…