Episode 10: Another Day, Another Planet Destroyed
After her most recent conk on the head, Cody Gage now believed herself to be the ship’s doctor. When Armageddon Uno walked in complaining of back pain, she performed a chiropractic adjustment. Armageddon screamed in agony.
With the Jefferson Starship on a collision course with the planet Retardo-Montalban 6 and the escape pod disabled, Commander Blanket had no choice but to parachute out into space, using the air inside his empty wine cooler bottles to survive.
Jacob Fisher apologized to God for doubting Him, and thanked Him for Edwina’s miraculous pregnancy. The shattered shell of Armageddon Uno staggered in, and Jacob fixed his back by walking on in.
JACOB: “It’s the Amish way of readjusting the spine.”
ARMAGEDDON: “It’s also the Chinese way. Y’know, I’ve noticed a LOT of similarities between the Chinese and the Amish.”
JACOB: “Well, we had an exchange program.”
Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) came into Dr. Shika’s office, begging the doctor to remove the chip that Altair-9000 had implanted in his body. Dr. Shika agreed, on the conditions that Angus stop threatening his family, and free the station from its corporate sponsorship. After examining Dwayne, Shika declared that the implant was so sophisticated that it could only be removed by a robot. Dwayne asked if ANY robot would do.
On the viewscreens, Altair-9000 watched the destruction of Retardo-Montalban 6 with great satisfaction. Scoop Quasar entered, and Altair asked Scoop to help him get Edwina’s human/android hybrid baby.
ALTAIR: “I can best train this baby to bridge the gap between robots and humans.”
SCOOP: “And then destroy them, right?”
While mopping up, Edwina slipped and fell belly-first against the edge of a table.
Floating in space, Commander Blanket sensed a disturbance in the retarded side of the Force, as if millions of souls had cried out in anguish and been suddenly silenced.
Altair burned a hole in the wall of Jacob’s barn so he could get in. Altair showed Jacob the surveillance footage of Edwina’s accident, saying that her carelessness proved she would be an unfit mother. Jacob refused to listen, saying that God had chosen Edwina to be His vessel. Apparently accepting Jacob’s position, Altair offered a handshake…and crushed Jacob’s hand.
Dr. Shika opened the airlock and went out after Commander Blanket, floating through space in a slow-motion balletic rescue. Once safely back aboard the station, Commander Blanket realized he had destroyed an entire planet full of special-needs people. Blanket swore to resign in shame, stripping off his uniform. Not even a peppy, upbeat song from Dr. Shika could dissuade him.
Armageddon Uno discovered Edwina collapsed in a heap in the commissary. He helped get her to a chair and had her tell him her troubles. “Dr.” Cody Gage entered and examined Edwina. She discovered the second heartbeat, confirming that the baby was still all right.
ARMAGEDDON: “You see? When a happy song is sung on the space station, EVERYBODY benefits!”
Commander Blanket ran into Scoop, confessing his guilt over destroying Retardo-Montalban 6. Scoop told the Commander that he had been working on a special project for his outreach program, and presented him with a package…a record album entitled “The Kids of Retardo-Montalban 6: Special Music from Special Kids.” Scoop revealed that the entire population was on tour to promote the record…nobody was home when the planet blew up! Astonished to learn that he hadn’t killed anybody, Blanket gratefully took back his uniform. Scoop put on the record, and everybody came in and danced.
After the dance, Dwayne confronted Altair-9000. Dwayne stripped off his shirt, revealing a hideous scar where he had taken out Altair’s control-chip. Dwayne hurled a ninja star at Altair.
In the barn, Jacob showed Edwina the manger he was building in preparation for their upcoming arrival. He told Edwina that Altair had shown him the accident.
EDWINA: “I knew it! He’s got a camera in the commissary! He’s got cameras everywhere! Where’s the camera here? You getting this, Altair?”
ALTAIR (off-stage): “Sure am!”
Jacob criticized Edwina for endangering the holy baby. Struck by a sudden mood swing, Edwina really tore into Jacob’s patronizing, patriarchal beliefs. Deeply saddened, Jacob said it was clear that Edwina didn’t want the baby…or him. Edwina offered a heartfelt apology, but Jacob wouldn’t accept it. Edwina was offended by this rejection.
EDWINA: “I’M the reason you believe in God again!”
JACOB: “That child is the reason…not you.”
EDWINA: “Well then, perhaps you’ll never lay eyes on this child again!”
And with that, she stormed out of the barn.
TO BE CONTINUED…