Episode 3: Space Mumps!
On board the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com space station (as it was renamed since getting its new corporate sponsorship), Commander James T. Blanket was talking with the robot Altair-9000. After reminiscing about old times, Commander Blanket dropped the bombshell—he couldn’t allow Altair to transmit Scoop Quasar’s news stories back to earth without prior approval from their sponsors.
Jacob Fisher brought a dead pig to sickbay so that Dr. Shika could perform an autopsy on it. Dr. Shika’s examination revealed a case of space mumps. Alarmed, Jacob confessed that he had been nuzzling all the livestock as a sign of affection. As a precaution, Dr. Shika gave Jacob a vaccination, then quarantined him in Hollow Deck 18. Jacob asked Dr. Shika to tend the animals in his place.
Cody Gage was talking to Hope the calf, when Edwina Prototype entered. Edwina initially gave Cody the cold shoulder because of her relationship with Armageddon Uno, but since Cody is the only other woman on the ship, Edwina found she couldn’t stay mad at her for long. They had a heart-to-heart bonding session, and Edwina confessed that she envied Cody for having taken part in such an emotional moment as birthing a calf with Jacob Fisher. Cody told Edwina that there were several more pregnant cows on board if she wanted to experience that for herself.
Jacob Fisher gave Dr. Shika a long and complicated list of instructions for taking care of the livestock.
Scoop Quasar composed a letter to his girlfriend, Catherine Shamrock, telling her about the station’s name change and the outbreak of space mumps. When Scoop asked Altair-9000 to transmit the letter, Altair informed him that all his letters were being censored.
Afraid to go to the commissary and face Edwina, Armageddon Uno was searching the Chicken Hawk’s cupboards for food. While the ship’s computer searched for his stash of Wrigley’s gum, Armageddon realized how hot it was getting…and that the frozen prisoner Heinous McMurder might be thawing out.
Jacob Fisher continued giving instructions to Dr. Shika.
Commander Blanket and Dwayne Tomagachi conferred about how to keep Scoop Quasar from sending information back to Earth. Dwayne used the ship’s computers to check on Scoop’s girlfriend Catherine, and learned that she worked in a shoe factory with a very bad accident record.
BLANKET: “Wouldn’t it be horrible if Catherine wasn’t around for him to write to?”
TOMAGACHI: “Commander Blanket! That is disgusting…and appalling…and ingenious!”
Dwayne used the comm.-link to contact his associate Mr. Ronin in Japan. He instructed Ronin to buy a plane ticket to Muncie, kidnap Catherine Shamrock, and make it look as though she were killed in an accident. Suddenly, Altair-9000 burst in, having monitored the transmission. When Altair tried to stop Dwayne’s evil plan, Dwayne asked Altair to search his memory banks about his own creation. Altair was shocked to discover that his creator, Professor Bob Frapples, had constructed him using a grant from the Yamamoto Corporation…which meant that they owned him. Dwayne installed a new program disk in Altair’s system.
Jacob Fisher was adjusting to his forced inactivity in quarantine when Edwina Prototype entered. She confessed that she was indeed an android, but that she had feelings and was coming closer and closer to becoming human. Jacob told her that he’d like to think of her as human, but couldn’t get past the knowledge that she was a product of technology.
JACOB: “I look at you and I see flesh and blood, but I know that, underneath that flesh and blood…there’s a horrible metal skeleton.”
EDWINA: “Oh, give us SOME credit! It’s all polymers & plastic these days! I don’t set off the metal detectors at Heathrow!”
Jacob explained that he believed that the feelings in his heart were placed there by God, but he couldn’t understand why God would make him feel love for an android.
Dr. Shika was frantically trying to tend the livestock when Commander Blanket came down to check on “Level Shithole,” as he called it. Suddenly, Commander Blanket started feeling woozy and hearing the atonal screams of the 150 special-needs kids he accidentally blew up years before. Dr. Shika realized that Blanket was also coming down with space mumps.
Armageddon Uno and Cody Gage discussed their relationship over a plate of pot brownies. He apologized for leaving her so callously last time, but she told him she understood his need for space and freedom. Armageddon was so impressed by her acceptance, he broke into a nasty doo-wop song about the two of them.
CODY: “It hurts me to hear you sing like that.”
ARMAGEDDON: “Baby, it hurts EVERYBODY to hear me sing like that!”
After reading a romantic letter from Catherine, Scoop sighed that he was the luckiest guy in the world, and couldn’t imagine what he would do without her.
Back in Hollow Deck 18, Edwina was so stunned by Jacob’s admission of love that Bette Midler’s “The Rose” began echoing in her head. She launched into a long, impassioned speech about how she couldn’t ask Jacob to betray his beliefs because they make him the man he is, the man she loves. Suddenly, Dr. Shika brought Commander Blanket into quarantine. Realizing that the space mumps were spreading, Jacob urged Dr. Shika to find Cody and warn her not to kiss her “baby” Hope.
With Altair-9000 now under his control, Dwayne Tomagachi whispered the secret of his “true nature” to the robot.
TOMAGACHI: “They will not find out for weeks, but it will keep them coming back.”
Dr. Shika struggled to do both Jacob’s and Commander Blanket’s jobs at the same time (having moved the livestock to the bridge).
Wading through the pigshit-covered halls, Armageddon and Cody were searching for Hope when they suddenly began feeling horny. We saw a slideshow of their foreplay.
In quarantine, Jacob and Commander Blanket started talking about the mistakes they’d made in their lives. Jacob confessed that, at age 15, he had indulged in some debauchery…going to see “The Crying Game,” smoking a cigar, and buying a Walkman. In turn, Blanket confessed that he blew up a bunch of retarded kids and had just ordered a hit on somebody. Jacob told Blanket that he could earn forgiveness for his past by calling off the hit and preventing the sins of the future. They said their prayers and climbed into their sleep-socks.
TO BE CONTINUED…