Episode 6: Attack of the Electric Potato
We rejoined our fearless crew on the planet Tuberon, where the despicable potato-person Mr. Beauregard had just unleashed a blast of electricity, knocking out Commander Blanket and Edwina Prototype. Dwayne Tomagachi, however, was unharmed, since he’d taken the precaution of wearing Yamamoto Corporation insulated insoles. A fearsome sumo-wrestling/potato-throwing battle ensued, until Dr. Shika held one of Beauregard’s baby spuds at gunpoint. They worked out a deal where Beauregard, Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 would go up to the station and search for Heinous McMurder, while the rest of the crew stayed on Tuberon with the baby potato as a hostage.
Scoop Quasar repaired the steering wheel, adjusted the station’s thermostat to a Muncie-like summer temperature, and got a call from Dr. Shika telling him to expect Beauregard.
Commander Blanket and Edwina revived, with Jacob Fisher cradling them both. While Edwina’s systems rebooted, Commander Blanket talked with Jacob about that cradling:
BLANKET: “I just want you to know, what happens on Tuberon stays on Tuberon.”
After Edwina came back to herself (after a brief period of being Ethel Merman), Blanket realized he was a third wheel and left the two of them alone. Jacob told Edwina that he was amazed by Tuberon’s agricultural potential, and that this world might just be the new home he was trying to find for the Amish people. Edwina was afraid that no good could come from a planet that could produce someone as evil as Mr. Beauregard.
Mr. Beauregard, Armageddon Uno, and Altair-9000 beamed aboard. Altair wasn’t happy about the deal.
ALTAIR: “Why are we cooperating with this giant potato?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Because I made a promise to this giant potato, and Armageddon Uno always makes good on a promise!”
BEAUREGARD: “Or else your name is mud!”
ARMAGEDDON: “Armageddon Mud is a TERRIBLE name.”
Altair got so fed up by their chatter that he confessed to stealing the frozen body of Heinous McMurder. He revealed that he had plans for McMurder in the coming robot revolution.
Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi were walking through Beauregard’s garden when Dwayne asked why Shika hated him so. Dr. Shika informed him of the skyrocketing cancer rate on Guano-9 ever since the Yamamoto Corporation brought their cigarettes to his planet. They pulled their guns on each other, but Shika discovered that his weapon wasn’t loaded. Revealing his true British accent, Dwayne warned Shika not to interfere, threatening Shika’s unborn child if he doesn’t comply.
Cody Gage wandered the station, rambling in an even more intense drug-induced haze than usual.
Strolling along aimlessly, Commander Blanket found the Chicken Hawk and looked through Armageddon Uno’s photo album. The Chicken Hawk computer came on-line, and when Blanket explained his need to get back to the station, the ship allowed him to take over the controls.
Left alone, Armageddon Uno and Mr. Beauregard discussed the disappearance of Heinous McMurder.
ARMAGEDDON: “Somebody stole McMurder. I think it was the Jap.”
BEAUREGARD: “Didn’t the robot just admit he did it?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Well, then, I guess it was the robot.”
They sneaked into Altair’s quarters, where they found a giant computer console. Beauregard tried using his electrical powers to interact with it, when Altair entered. Altair revealed that, through their interaction, his computer had become attuned to Beauregard’s electrical patterns, granting Altair the power to shut Beauregard off. A massive electric battle ensued, concluding with Armageddon knocking Beauregard on the head.
Jacob and Edwina were chatting pleasantly when Commander Blanket rushed in and told them they were going back to the station. Edwina and Jacob explained their plans to claim Tuberon as the new Amish homeworld, and Blanket suggested that they plant a flag to stake their claim. Jacob revealed that he did, indeed, have an Amish flag.
JACOB: “It’s a buggy peeling its wheels, leaving Earth behind it in a cloud of smoke…like ‘Eat my dust, Earth!’”
EDWINA: “You designed that yourself, didn’t you?”
Jacob planted the flag and claimed the planet with a prayer.
Fearing for his child’s safety, Dr. Shika agreed not to stand in Dwayne’s way. They beamed aboard and parted ways, then Cody Gage arrived and told Shika about the amazing rush she was getting from carrying around one of Beauregard’s baby spuds. She was so desperately hooked that she pulled a gun, demanding that Shika help her keep Beauregard alive so they could harness his energy.
Commander Blanket was piloting the Chicken Hawk back to the station when the atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids started echoing through his head. The Chicken Hawk’s computer announced that they were on a collison course with the station.
As Armageddon Uno and Altair-9000 were deciding what to do with Mr. Beauregard, the station was rocked by the crash of the Chicken Hawk. Returning their attentions to the matter at hand, they hooked Beauregard up to make a potato-powered clock for Jacob and a perpetual high for Cody Gage. Beauregard revived and sang a happy song until Armageddon knocked him out again. Cody entered and quickly blissed out from Beauregard’s energy. Armageddon suggested that they could harness Beauregard’s power even more effectively if Beauregard took McMurder’s place in the frozen carbonade block.
Commander Blanket and the others were surveying the damage from the crash when Scoop Quasar arrived and asked what happened. The Commander made up a story about an epic battle with ugly people, but Scoop figured out the truth immediately. Commander Blanket confessed that he wanted to make up for his past by bringing some living retarded children to the station and showing them a good time. Scoop agreed to spread the story of Blanket’s proposed outreach program if Blanket would make up for censoring Scoop’s stories and help get Scoop’s girlfriend Catherine to safety. They had a tearful, apologetic reconciliation.
Dwayne Tomagachi contacted the Yamamoto Corporation and informed them that he had discovered something even more addictive than cigarettes. Dwayne told Yamamoto that he would help them corner the market on Tuberon’s potatoes if they got him what HE wanted…the return of his brother, Heinous McMurder. Yes, Dwayne finally revealed his big secret…he is, in fact, Angus McMurder!
TO BE CONTINUED…