Episode 20: The Freakiest Friday of Them All
Commander James T. Blanket went to see Dr. Shika for a check-up after having grown slightly younger (thanks to Estrogena Nipplor’s sexual prowess). However, the check-up was just a pretext…Blanket really wanted to share some momentous news with Shika. Blanket revealed that Spaceforce would be launching the Keeton-3 station in three weeks. The Keeton-2 would be brought back to Earth and put on exhibit in the Cleveland Spaceatorium, and the crew will be reassigned. Blanket’s new job will be as a PE teacher in Arizona. Blanket and Shika resolved to do something meaningful before they’re grounded…like helping Jacob Fisher finish the butter-churn rocket.
Altair-9000 (who’d gone back to his original clunky construction) met the former Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). “Former” because, since changing his evil ways, Dwayne had rechristened himself Dwayne McLifegiver. Dwayne told Altair that he now wanted to help children, since he couldn’t have any of his own. (His brother Heinous McMurder had cut off Dwayne’s balls so they wouldn’t distract him from evil.) They celebrated Dwayne’s new lease on life by singing a karaoke version of “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before.” Suddenly, Cody Gage entered, having been rescued from Pleasure-9 by her brother Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne learned that she’d gone down to search for him, he was touched that she had cared enough to do that. However, Cody was upset that Dwayne hadn’t tried to find her while she was stranded on the planet. Altair became equally upset by Dwayne’s treatment of her. As the emotional intensity of the scene peaked, suddenly, the three of them swapped personalities.
Edwina Prototype was sensually eating hot Krispy Kremes when Armageddon Uno entered and attempted to take advantage of her supine position. When Edwina rebuffed his advances, Armageddon advised her to sow her wild oats before her upcoming wedding to Jacob Fisher. He told her to experience as much as she could in order to feel alive, but she replied that she felt alive through Jacob’s love and warmth. Armageddon started to explain the difference between love and programming, but soon got tired of talk and grabbed her. As Edwina returned his passionate embrace, Jacob entered.
As the dust cleared from the personality-swap, Cody Gage (in Altair’s body) and Dwayne McLifegiver (in Cody’s) went to the observation deck. Dwayne/Cody suggested sex, but Cody/Altair didn’t think it was possible in her new body.
Simultaneously steering the station, whistling a tune, dancing a jig, and caressing a poster of Raquel Welch, Commander Blanket was contemplating his future as a PE teacher when Altair (in Dwayne’s body) rushed in. Altair/Dwayne explained the situation, then agreed to help Blanket fix Jacob’s rocket without letting him know technology was involved.
ALTAIR/DWAYNE: “I’ll do it…and I’ll feel the first real emotion I’ve ever felt!”
BLANKET: “Me, too.”
As Edwina & Armageddon wrapped up their lovemaking, Jacob finally got their attention by applauding.
JACOB: “Once again, Mr. Uno, thank you for being the prime source of my pain.”
Armageddon revealed that he had planned the whole thing as revenge for Jacob firing him from his farmhand position. First, he led Jacob’s daughter on a crime spree, and now he’s seduced Jacob’s fiancée. Armageddon mocked Jacob for being weak and not standing up for the things he loved. Jacob maintained his Amish composure, refusing to be provoked, but Armageddon observed that his passivity just proved his point. Suddenly, God spoke to Jacob, granting him the strength and power to smite his enemies.
JACOB: “Oh, Mr. Uno, I forgot one important point.”
And with that, Jacob slugged Armageddon.
After sex, Cody/Altair remarked that she didn’t feel anything at all in her new robot body…but that lack of feeling was exactly what she’d been trying to attain her whole life. Altair/Dwayne entered and explained his theory on how they switched bodies. When they were in contact, Altair wished that he could feel human emotions. Cody wished she were completely stoned. As for Dwayne, he just wanted some boiled beef.
His jaw having been knocked out of place by Jacob’s punch, Armageddon went to Dr. Shika to snap it back. When Shika mentioned that Armageddon’s new look reminded him of Sammy Davis Jr., they attempted a duet of “Mr. Bojangles.”
Commander Blanket concealed a nuclear-powered engine inside the butter-churn rocket. Altair/Dwayne entered and quickly finished the job. Having done something selfless, Altair/Dwayne was gripped by an unfamiliar sensation…joy. The emotion was so overpowering that Altair/Dwayne collapsed.
Drunk with power, Jacob told Edwina about God speaking to him and telling him to lead his people in the butter-churn rocket. God said that He would make the other Amish listen to Jacob, and told him that he’d find an endless supply of loaves and fishes in the barn. Getting back to discussing their relationship, Edwina tried to put a positive spin on her fling with Armageddon by pointing out that her mistake was a human failing. She explained (in song) that her entire existence had been a series of screw-ups. Jacob told her that he realized her feelings were indeed genuine, just like his had been.
EDWINA: “Ooh, I don’t like the past tense.”
Jacob explained that he was just a cog in God’s plans, and couldn’t allow his feelings to interfere with fulfilling his role. Edwina told Jacob that she loved him too much to stand in his way, but added that there’d always be snickerdoodles waiting for him in the commissary if he ever came back.
Cody/Altair and Dwayne/Cody went to see Dr. Shika, explaining their body-switching problem. Dwayne/Cody went up to one of Shika’s machines and punched in an order for boiled beef. Suddenly, Dwayne/Cody took on the personality of Edwina Prototype, and Cody/Altair became Abraham Lincoln.
Jacob entered the barn and noticed that somebody had been tinkering with the rocket, but didn’t see anything amiss. When the fully-functional rocket activated, Jacob dropped to his knees in gratitude. Armageddon Uno entered and apologized for everything he’d done to Jacob (“I’m a jerk. That’s the kind of guy I am.”). Armageddon offered to make up for his previous behavior by piloting the butter-churn rocket and taking Jacob’s people to Tuberon.
TO BE CONTINUED…