Episode 22: Go Altair Force!
Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.
Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.
ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”
Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.
Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.
Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.
Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.
On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.
EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”
Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.
Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!
Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.
Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.
As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.
Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.
After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.
EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”
They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.
Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.
TO BE CONCLUDED…