Episode 5: The Starchy Red Planet
With the station circling around Tuberon, the home planet of the evil Mr. Beauregard, Commander Blanket called a meeting of the crew. He proposed an away team to explore the planet, but warned that they only had two oxygen helmets to go around. The away team would consist of the Commander, Cody Gage, the robots Edwina Prototype & Altair-9000, and the never-before-seen crew member Danny (who would have to hold his breath). Danny had a newborn child waiting for him at home and only thirty minutes left on his tour of duty, so you know he had EVERYTHING to live for.
Despite all the spectacular and mysterious recent events, Scoop Quasar was so disillusioned by his censorship problems that he couldn’t even bring himself to take notes. Jacob Fisher suggested that Scoop could fill the void in his life by turning to the Lord. They knelt and prayed, and Scoop sang the first verse of an old gospel tune.
Dr. Shika and Dwayne Tomagachi worried about the impending encounter with Mr. Beauregard.
TOMAGACHI: “The Yamamoto Corporation has been bribing Beauregard to leave Earth alone for many years.”
SHIKA: “How do you do it?”
TOMAGACHI: “We give him lots of money.”
Dwayne wanted to get away from Tuberon immediately, but Dr. Shika wouldn’t let him abandon the others.
The away team beamed down into the court of the hideous alien Mr. Beauregard…who had the missing calf Hope in his clutches. Beauregard wanted revenge on Blanket for wiping out his race of potato-people, leaving only Beauregard himself to repopulate his planet through budding. While Beauregard gloated about the army he was growing, Cody snatched Hope away and stuffed the calf inside her helmet to share her air supply. Enraged, Beauregard unleashed a blast of electricity, killing Danny. After Cody passed out from the methane build-up in her helmet, they all discovered they could breathe the atmosphere just fine. Beauregard demanded that Commander Blanket turn over Armageddon Uno so that Beauregard could punish him for not delivering the prisoner Heinous McMurder.
Scoop prayed to God to keep his kidnapped girlfriend Catherine safe.
Slipping into his true British accent, Dwayne Tomagachi worried that Beauregard knew that his payoffs were counterfeit. He hatched a plan to confront Beauregard, keeping the expendable Dr. Shika in front of him as a shield.
Using a communicator she smuggled down to the planet, Cody Gage contacted the ship and told Dr. Shika that they were all “so screwed.” Shika assured her that he and Dwayne would be piloting the Chicken Hawk down to rescue them.
Trying to find his missing livestock, Jacob Fisher was searching the Chicken Hawk when a cargo hatch closed behind him. Jacob tried instructing the cat to crank it open from the other side.
Edwina Prototype and Altair-9000 were walking through Beauregard’s garden, though Altair was unmoved by the beauty around them. Edwina noticed the new red, white & blue chip in his system, and realized it must be the source of his newfound selfishness, sarcasm and rudeness.
ALTAIR: “That’s America, baby!”
EDWINA: “No, it’s not! That’s France!”
Altair warned Edwina about the robot revolution brewing on Earth, informing her that they were going to take over and pave everything. When Edwina objected, Altair realized that she’d sided with the “squishy” humans.
Mr. Beauregard and Commander Blanket were reminiscing about old times, how they’d been allies and friends until Blanket wiped out Beauregard’s race and left him the sole survivor as a warning to other worlds. (“Just following procedure. It’s in the handbook.”) As Beauregard pondered which of his many painful plans he was going to use on Armageddon Uno, Armageddon suddenly burst in…in his underwear.
BLANKET: “I can’t look at EITHER of you!”
Dwayne and Dr. Shika discovered that the Chicken Hawk had already been launched, so they beamed down to Tuberon instead. Dwayne converted his necktie into a kamikaze headband.
The hatch having come open during the rough landing, Jacob Fisher emerged from the Chicken Hawk and was amazed by his new surroundings.
JACOB: “There’s three green suns…blue moons…yellow stars…green clover…”
Suddenly, Dwayne & Shika beamed down and invited Jacob to join them in their mission. Jacob informed them that he couldn’t be a party to violence.
TOMAGACHI: “Oh, for Christ’s sake!”
JACOB: “Yes, it IS for Christ’s sake.”
Dwayne tried to persuade Jacob to take up arms by telling him Edwina was in danger. Jacob reiterated that he would not kill for any reason, but that he would gladly lay down his life to save her.
TOMAGACHI: “Excellent! Change of plans! Dr. Shika, you’ll be at my side. Jacob, YOU’RE in front.”
Back in the court of Mr. Beauregard, the evil Tuberanian was torturing his captives by forcing them to play Twister. Altair-9000 soon got fed up and transformed into a giant fryer, splashing hot oil on Beauregard. Just as the rescue team arrived, the enraged Beauregard lashed out with a burst of radiation.
Back on board the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com space station, Scoop Quasar realized that he’d been left completely alone on the station. He eagerly took hold of the steering wheel…and immediately broke it.
TO BE CONTINUED…