Episode 2: Who Was That Stranger Anyhow?
Mayor Hop Hop, shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus, and the town’s new schoolteacher Will McGotnuthin held a ribbon-cutting ceremony to mark the opening of the new school. The ceremony fizzled out when they realized there weren’t any students yet.
In Jed’s Saloon, Brigham Young and Red Clay shared a peace pipe. Taking exception to being called “paleface,” Brigham pointed out that Red Clay’s face was mighty pale itself. Red Clay confessed his secret…he was not a full-blooded Chipapoo brave. Many years ago, a Chipapoo raiding party led an attack on an Italian nunnery, raping and scalping the nuns. Red Clay’s father, Chief Running Gag, fell in love with one of the nuns (despite having scalped her), kept her alive and brought her back to the village. Their child disguised his half-breed complexion by rubbing red clay on himself…hence the name “Red Clay.”
BRIGHAM: “I got a similar story, ’cept there’s no nuns or rapin’ in it.”
Constance Snell was standing on the street corner, drumming up business by offering free sample blowjobs. Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to discourage Constance from hawking her wares on the street, but Constance explained that she viewed prostitution as a public service, keeping these ornery gunslingers too busy (not to mention too happy) to kill each other. Constance revealed that it was her 19th birthday, and Madeline sang her a birthday song.
Will McGotnuthin and Roswell Diabolicus were going over the lesson plans for the new school, with special attention devoted to the second person plural pronoun “y’all.” Will questioned the wisdom of Roswell keeping a wild bobcat as a pet, but Roswell compared it to what Will planned to do with the “wild” children of Little One Point.
In the mayor’s office, Hop Hop had just signed a bill legalizing prostitution so that Constance could stay in business when Red Clay entered. Recognizing each other as fellow stereotypes, Red Clay and Hop Hop became fast friends. Red Clay explained how his tribe had traded their land for a kazoo, and were then forced to march to Alabama. Hop Hop told Red Clay that it would take more than just the return of the kazoo to get the land back, and Red Clay sweetened the deal by offering Hop Hop his choice of 10 Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo, rear end of white-tail deer.” Red Clay pulled out his peace pipe to seal the agreement, and Hop Hop got out some opium.
Engaging in some target practice, Sheriff Madeline Clementine shot a leaf off of a distant tree. Not to be outdone, Brigham Young massacred a passing flock of geese and herd of buffalo. Impressed by his shooting, Madeline told Brigham she was looking for a new deputy. Brigham wished her luck in finding one.
MADELINE: “Brigham Young, you are charmin’ when you’re dense, which is all the time.”
Madeline clarified that she wanted to take on Brigham as her new deputy, and he agreed. As Madeline asked Brigham to control his trigger finger, they noticed a herd of penguins passing by. Madeline joined Brigham in wiping them out.
By the campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors, informing them of his deal with Hop Hop. His ancestors advised him on how to pay back the white man for their mistreatment…build casinos!
As Constance Snell gave Will McGotnuthin a backrub, she thanked him for his generosity in offering her 50 cents for “love & hot sex.” Taken aback, Will explained that he thought they were only talking about rent for the room. Constance was extremely perplexed, since this was the first time she’d met a man who hadn’t slept with her right away. To alleviate her confusion, Will agreed to get drunk and then have sex with her.
Doing inventory in the general store, Brigham Young told his boss, Roswell Diabolicus, that he’d put those boxes with the skulls in the back. Reminding Brigham that the back was now the new school, Roswell warned him that those boxes were dangerous TNT. As Brigham was a simple man, Roswell had no qualms about explaining his sinister plan to build the Rhode Island-sized cannon, with which he will force people to buy his inventions (the cellular telegraph, the sports utility wagon, etc.). Brigham sheepishly informed Roswell about his new position as deputy, explaining that he didn’t foresee this conflict of interest. Suddenly, a mysterious stranger entered, threatening Roswell. Brigham pulled a gun on him, and the stand-off began…
Hop Hop informed Madeline that Red Clay had reclaimed the land, and was initiating new rules. Madeline was outraged that the Chipapoo had taken back the land they’d been cheated out of fair & square. Asking Hop Hop if he had a green card, Madeline told him that, as a resident alien, he didn’t have the authority to make this agreement. Hop Hop asserted that, as mayor, he DID have the authority to fire her.
Back at the general store, the stand-off was interrupted when Will McGotnuthin entered to buy pencils. Taking advantage of the distraction, the stranger turned his gun on Roswell’s bobcat, Mr. Nosy. As Roswell pleaded, the stranger suddenly shot Mr. Nosy, only to be immediately riddled with bullets by Brigham Young.
Red Clay went to the saloon to inform Constance Snell that his tribe was coming back. He told her that the saloon would have to close because it was build on a sacred Chipapoo burial ground. Constance was outraged by the idea, launching into a semi-coherent lecture on the history of Jed’s Saloon. Suddenly, the spirits of Red Clay’s ancestors interrupted to suggest a compromise…they could convert the saloon into a casino! Constance liked the idea (not to mention being impressed by Red Clay’s talking to ghosts), so she invited Red Clay to the little room upstairs.
Roswell Diabolicus carried the wounded Mr. Nosy back to his home, Castle Gayskull. Brigham Young burst in, explaining that one of the reasons he’d been run out of various towns was that he had a miraculous gift for healing, which caused most people to treat him as a freak. Laying his hands upon Mr. Nosy, Brigham pleaded with God to save this cat which brought an old man such joy. Brigham and Mr. Nosy were bathed in a bright light as the music swelled in the background.
TO BE CONTINUED…