Episode 14: Lactose Zero Tolerance
The lovemaking of Angus McMurder (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi) and Cody Gage was so passionate that it reduced the Chicken Hawk to wreckage…again. Cody asked Angus why his name was pronounced “Anus,” and he explained that his mother wanted it to rhyme with his brother Heinous. Dwayne/Angus/“Anus” flashed back to all the traumas his name brought him. Then he asked Cody to be a character witness at his imminent trial.
Simultaneously transforming into a robot and a junkie, Scoop Quasar was in the hayloft, searching for a vein that had not turned to copper. Since he could no longer shoot up directly, Scoop injected Bessie the cow so that he could drink her heroin-infused milk. When Jacob Fisher arrived, he saw that Scoop’s need for his “medicine” was so great that he agreed to Scoop’s plan.
The now nebulously ranked Commander Blanket was steering the station (and shamelessly plugging a local package store). Dr. Shika arrived and helped Blanket decipher a distress signal from the sinful planet Pleasure-9. They wasted no time in heading to the rescue.
Noticing a surplus of milk in the commissary, Edwina Prototype decided to throw an ice-cream party. Armageddon Uno stormed in, upset over the destruction of the Chicken Hawk. Edwina fixed him a patty melt and a tall glass of milk to calm his nerves. Armageddon drank the milk (while Dwayne made a Hamburglar-esque raid on his patty melt), then started having a psychedelic experience.
The memory-impaired Altair-9000 was repeatedly chewing & discarding the same piece of gum when Dwayne Tomagachi entered. Dwayne asked Altair to help him get off the station, but by the time he finished his request, Altair had already forgotten it.
Commander Blanket found Jacob Fisher rocking Scoop to sleep in the hayloft. Jacob offered the commander a glass of milk. Scoop compared the effect of the heroin milk to “drinking good sex.” Blanket was aghast, and worried that the whole crew would soon be “spritely and drunk.” Inexplicably, Commander Blanket sang a song about Senator John Kerry. The atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids echoed through Blanket’s head, but since he now knew that the explosion was Dwayne/Angus’ fault, it didn’t bother Blanket that much. Blanket gave Jacob the potato given to him by General Turnenkopf, containing the key to the butter-churn rocket.
Cody Gage had a glass of milk.
Edwina plugged into Altair’s system to fill in the gaps in his memory. Appalled by his past actions, Altair photographed himself and labeled it “Evil.” He swore to make amends by protecting Edwina and her babies.
Carrying a bucket of milk, Jacob Fisher had a conversation with God. Unlike all his previous conversations, this time Jacob began hearing a response. Altair and Edwina tried to detox Jacob by strapping him down and making him watch “A Clockwork Orange.”
Hopped up on milk, Cody took a ten-second nap and woke up completely rested and alert.
Back in the commissary, Jacob was having a fit over being forced to watch television. Altair snapped a photo of Jacob and labeled it “Junkie.” Believing the robot had just stolen part of his soul, Jacob freaked out, broke out of his restraints and began eating the Polaroid.
The hyperactive Cody rebuilt the Chicken Hawk all by herself in under a day. The equally whacked-out Armageddon crashed in. He suggested that they use the Chicken Hawk to rapidly circle the space station in the opposite direction until they go back in time, like at the end of “Superman.” Cody said she’d already tried that and it didn’t work. They decided to try it in reverse and see if they went into the future.
Commander Blanket arrived in the medlab to find Dr. Shika berating himself for prescribing heroin to Scoop. Shika explained that, on Guano-9, heroin is as harmless as Tylenol, and that he hadn’t anticipated his prescription causing so much trouble. Dwayne/Angus entered and knocked over the Commander’s Little Kings Cream Ale.
BLANKET: “How dare you knock over Cincinnati beer?!”
Dwayne opened the viewport and showed them that the Chicken Hawk was rapidly circling the station in the opposite direction (not in reverse, as Cody thought), and it was indeed causing time to reverse itself! Fortunately, as an alien and an old drunk (respectively), Dr. Shika and Commander Blanket were not affected. Dr. Shika proposed that they capture Dwayne and collect the reward on the fugitive. Shika further proposed detoxing the station by replacing the heroin milk with normal milk.
Scoop Quasar had a moment of clarity and tossed his works into the station’s artificial stream. Altair entered and offered to cure Scoop of his drug habit. Anxious to hear more, Scoop approached his old friend. Suddenly, Altair “cured” Scoop by snapping his neck!
Still bound and gagged, Jacob Fisher somehow managed to make it back to his quarters. Jacob apologized to God for befouling his body with drugs. Altair entered and offered to “cure” Jacob as well. Jacob declined, saying he felt he’d already beaten the habit.
ALTAIR: “Are you sure? I’ve got a REALLY good cure…”
Jacob explained that drug addiction was very similar to Satanic possession; that the evil is the drug’s, not the person’s. Jacob confessed that he had done some shameful, evil things in his past, like throwing other kids’ books into buggy traffic. This emotional outpouring led to a moment of bonding between Amish Man and Robot. Altair asked Jacob to make a wicker basket for him.
TO BE CONTINUED…