Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot
After last week’s body-switching experience, Altair-9000 now had the mind of Abraham Lincoln. Altair/Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation to Jacob Fisher’s livestock, setting all the animals free. Jacob entered and argued that it was God’s plan for animals to be subjugated to human needs.
JACOB: “Cows are here to provide milk for people…and baby cows, but more importantly for people.”
Dr. Shika advised Edwina Prototype to choose between her android and human natures, telling her to “shit on the pot or get off.”
EDWINA: “What I wouldn’t give to shit! It’s so human! The most human acts of all, to shit and to cheat on one’s taxes.”
Needing further counseling, Edwina broke into a song entitled “What Would You Do, Dr. Shika? I Need Your Wisdom.” Dr. Shika told her to listen to her heart.
Steering the station with a wine cooler in one hand and champagne in the other, Commander Blanket suddenly noticed that his beehive had died of neglect, having been ignored since Episode 12. In his sorrow, Blanket reflected on all the other duties he’d failed, and swore to fulfill his promises to deliver the Amish people to Tuberon, help Altair find his four counterpart robots, and get Armageddon Uno laid three times in three weeks. Suddenly, Jacob Fisher’s father Amos Fisher entered the station, having built a spiral staircase into the sky. Amos explained his misgivings about Jacob’s plans to establish a new Amish homeworld. Commander Blanket offered to show Amos his son’s work so he could see Jacob’s sincerity.
Cody Gage’s true personality had returned to her body, while Dwayne McLifegiver (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi, a.k.a. Angus McMurder) was now occupied by both his own personality and Altair’s. After Cody explained her plans to become a beauty professional after she goes back to Earth, they talked about how Dwayne/Altair’s dual personality would affect their relationship.
DWAYNE/ALTAIR: “It’s the best of both worlds! You get someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer…and someone who wants to destroy life. That’s a balance, I guess.”
As Armageddon Uno helped Jacob round up the emancipated livestock, Jacob explained the proper Amish was of slaughtering animals using the Amish martial art of Mish Fu. Jacob proceeded to give Armageddon a rather homoerotic-looking demonstration, while Commander Blanket and Amos Fisher looked on in horror.
Altair/Lincoln was wandering the hallways when Amos and Blanket walked by, still shocked by what they thought they had seen. Perplexed by the strange presidential figure, Amos shunned Altair/Lincoln once he realized he was a robot.
Still unsure of her future career path, Cody Gage scanned the classified ads for something she and Dwayne/Altair could do together. She found an offer to open a storage unit in Lawrenceville, getting paid 6.75 an hour just to live there and watch over the place. The Altair side of Dwayne’s persona balked at the idea, refusing to settle down in one place and give up all life’s experiences. As Altair searched for more exciting work, he discovered an ad from Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder, seeking a new partner in crime. Dwayne was so enraged by his brother’s backstabbing ad that his fury displaced Altair’s personality. Altair returned to his own body just as Lincoln smashed a cane across Amos’ back.
Commander Blanket found Armageddon Uno in the hold. Blanket explained that he wasn’t happy with Spaceforce’s plans to reassign him as a PE teacher in Arizona, and asked if he could travel the universe together with Armageddon. Armageddon accepted the Commander’s request, saying that Blanket reminded him of his old monkey sidekick, Jim-Jim. Commander Blanket shared some bad news…while searching for the other Altair robots, he’d also found out what happened to Jim-Jim. Blanket asked Armageddon if he’d ever seen “Faces of Death.” Armageddon gleefully recalled the movie’s most gruesome moments, until he remembered the restaurant that served monkey brains.
Dr. Shika tended Amos Fisher’s injuries. Amos was initially shocked by the blue-skinned alien’s appearance, but his brutal punishment at Altair’s hands had convinced him not to judge others. Amos was impressed that Shika could fix his back chiropractically, using his hands instead of technology. As they conversed, Shika explained that his true name doesn’t translate into English, and he adopted the name “Shika” after watching Sammy Davis Jr. Shika whispered his real name to Amos, who recognized it as an Amish name. Amos revealed that he’d come to bring his son bad news…the Amish have rejected Jacob’s plan to lead them to a new homeworld.
Dwayne was in the commissary, readjusting to having complete control of his body once again. As Edwina entered and fixed him some Caribou Coffee, Dwayne told her that he now understood what it was like to live as a half-human, half-android. The conversation turned to Edwina’s memories of her own creator, G. Petto. Dwayne recognized the name as belonging to Gary Petto, an employee of the Yamamoto Corporation. Dwayne gave Edwina Dr. Petto’s address so that she could finally become fully human.
Cody Gage ran into Altair-9000, who was discarding his Lincoln outfit. Altair confessed that his experiences as both Dwayne and Lincoln had left him with complex, conflicted emotions about humanity.
CODY: “This isn’t going to be one of those split-personality things, is it? ’Cause I’ve had about enough of that.”
ALTAIR: “I was just gonna open up and tell you how I feel, but fuck you!”
And with that, Altair stormed out.
As Amos Fisher read Shika’s books on chiropractic, Jacob arrived. Amos told Jacob that the elders had rejected his plan, considering the butter-churn rocket to be too much like technology. But that wasn’t the only news Amos brought. Amos explained that, long ago, he and his wife had been trying to have a child for 14 years with no results…then one day, Amos went out into a field to pray for a son. A blue light streaked through the sky, and Amos followed the light to a little butter-churn with a baby inside. A baby whom he named Jacob.
TO BE CONTINUED…