Season 5, Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Episode 4: Sixteen Tons of Cotton

Roswell Diabolicus invited Sam the Horse into the general store and offered him some oats. As Sam bent down to get the oats, Roswell came up behind him in a particularly obscene manner, then told Sam that he could pay for the oats by “giving him a ride.” Sam changed the subject by asking “Hey, wasn’t that cat dead?” Roswell informed him that Mr. Nosy had indeed been shot, but had been healed by Brigham Young. Already creeped out by the undead cat, Sam quickly cut out when Roswell asked it “What’s that, Mr. Nosy? You can smell his brains?”

Brigham Young’s daughter Shirlene was cleaning up at Jed’s Saloon (having been left in charge while Constance was away), while Red Clay explained about the plans for his tribe to take over the city. Shirlene poured a couple of drinks…and two hours later, Shirlene got the thoroughly plastered Red Clay to give her the treaty for safekeeping.

Will McGotnuthin, the town schoolteacher, paid a visit to Mayor Hop Hop to request more school supplies, since they only had volume “Z” of the encyclopedia. Hop Hop, however, wanted to keep the white kids ignorant so they wouldn’t think themselves better than Hop Hop’s people. Will suggested a compromise, requesting the “C” volume so the kids could learn about China. He even invited Hop Hop to be a guest speaker, informing him that the Montessori system wouldn’t censor his teaching at all. Hop Hop agreed, and immediately pulled out the “C” encyclopedia. Will then asked Hop Hop for another favor …to make sure Brigham Young stays out of town.

Having fled from a torch-wielding mob, Brigham Young found his way to an old abandoned cotton mine. He was startled to meet grizzled old prospector Jabby Butts, who invited Brigham to join his in his quest for the deepest, rarest cotton that’s ever been mined.

JABBY: “There’s just three conditions. You gotta work hard, you gotta drink whiskey, and there’s a vow of celibacy.”
BRIGHAM: “It’s just you & me down there, right?”

Still rattled by his experience in Roswell’s store, Sam the Horse ran into Will McGotnuthin. As Will talked about his plans for the store, Sam began feeling inadequate due to his own lack of education. Will invited Sam to sit in and audit the classes. Sam confessed that he’d hated Will when they first met, but had warmed up to him. Will observed that he still hadn’t used the chesspiece calling card to summon Sam, despite having had several guns pointed at him during his short time in Little One Point. Sam cautioned Will to save it for when he’s in a REALLY tight spot.

WILL: “I appreciate your confidence in my getting in trouble.”

Red Clay woke up with a terrible hangover, then realized the treaty was missing. (“Red Clay big-time screwed!”)

Shirlene was still cleaning up at the saloon when Roswell Diabolicus entered. Roswell compained that she was supposed to have arrived in town two weeks earlier, but Shirlene soothed his temper by handing him the treaty. They shared a passionate kiss.

Down in the cotton mine, Jabby Butts explained that the mine shaft was only wide enough for one; Brigham will be lowered down on a rope while Jabby holds it secure. They tested the depth of the supposedly bottomless pit by dropping in a rock. Hearing a splash, Jabby realized they’d stumbled onto the legendary water cotton, a substance nobody had ever actually seen.

JABBY: “Water cotton! Rarer than gold, shinier than Heaven, smoother than silk…I’m just guessing here.”

They prepared to lower Brigham down the shaft, when something snapped.

Mayor Hop Hop held a meeting of his cabinet: himself, Roswell Diabolicus, and Sam the Horse (his newly-appointed groundskeeper). Hop Hop kept on mouthing off to Roswell until he finally noticed that Roswell was pointing a gun at him. With no way to save himself, Hop Hop rubbed the chesspiece to summon Sam’s help. Sam rushed to the rescue, kicking Roswell into unconsciousness. By using the chesspiece, Hop Hop had used up his favor, but they agreed it was well worth it. Hop Hop rewarded Sam by appointing him the new sheriff. Coming to, Roswell revealed that he had the treaty, and thus now owned the town. Unimpressed, Sam arrested Roswell. Roswell insisted that his authority overruled both Hop Hop’s and Sam’s, and they bickered back and forth for a while until Roswell finally gave in and went to jail.

Will McGotnuthin entered the saloon and met Shirlene. Aghast that a 12-year-old was running a bar, Will invited her to come to school so that she could learn some other occupation. Shirlene confessed that she was distraught because her father, Brigham Young, had run off again. Hearing the name of his hated enemy, Will offered to take her to Roswell Diabolicus so that Roswell could be her new father.

Having both fallen into the abyss, Brigham Young and Jabby Butts were attacked by a giant alligator.

Red Clay did a dance around the campfire to summon the spirits of his ancestors. After he confessed that he had lost the treaty, his ancestors told him that it was in the hands of the man with the “spookum hat,” in the room with bars.

Back in the mineshaft, Jabby Butts had been bitten and mortally wounded by the alligator. Brigham called upon the Lord to help him heal Jabby. Instead, the Lord spoke and explained that He was calling Jabby home so that Brigham may live. As Jabby ascended into Heaven, his limp straightened out and his beard fell off, and he was once again a young, whole man. The Lord told Brigham to remember what Jabby had taught him, but Brigham had no idea what that meant.

In the jail, Roswell Diabolicus tried to persuade Sam to release him by offering him the position of mayor and his own salt mine. Angered by Roswell’s bribe attempts, Sam got right up in Roswell’s face, grabbing the bars in the process. Suddenly, Sam discovered that the bars were now in front of himself, and that Roswell was now free!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 3: Oh, So THAT'S Who That Stranger Was

Episode 3: Oh, So THAT’S Who That Stranger Was

Ex-Sheriff Madeline Clementine went to Sam the Horse seeking advice about the loss of her job. As Madeline lamented the town’s descent into lawlessness, Sam proposed using that lawlessness to their advantage by strong-arming Mayor Hop Hop to get their way.

The town schoolteacher, Will McGotnuthin, went into the general store to buy some much-needed paper. Shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus was too distraught by the near-fatal shooting of his bobcat, Mr. Nosy, to be of much assistance, so Will offered to listen to Roswell’s troubles. Roswell explained that the mysterious stranger who shot Mr. Nosy last week was in fact Nosy’s previous owner, Stinkum. A long time ago, Roswell rescued Nosy from Stinkum’s mistreatment (burning down Stinkum’s home in the process), and Stinkum finally tracked them down last week. When Roswell explained that Nosy was saved by Brigham Young’s miraculous healing powers, Will’s eyes turned cold. Will stated that he had taken an instant dislike to Brigham due to the fact that Brigham pointed a gun at him every time they met…and that he didn’t expect to change his mind about Brigham anytime soon. Suddenly, Roswell remembered that Brigham had left a gift for the new school…a whole ream of paper.

As Constance Snell was cleaning up in the saloon, she was surprised when a pigtailed 12-year-old girl suddenly burst in. After Constance treated the starving waif to some pie, the girl explained that she’d been on the run her whole life because her father was always getting run out of town…usually after touching a sick or injured child. Constance offered to be her new mom.

Hop Hop and Red Clay were going over the paperwork to return Little One Point to the Chipapoo tribe when Red Clay remarked on the long, soft scroll the contract was written on. Hop Hop explained the Chinese invention of toilet paper, and Red Clay was so impressed that he asked Hop Hop to stay on as the town inventor. Getting back to the plans for Little One Point, Red Clay explained that Jed’s Saloon would be converted into a casino. Red Clay asked Hop Hop if he could invent a gambling machine to take the white man’s money, and Hop Hop suggested that they get Roswell Diabolicus to help them with that.

Brigham Young paid a visit to Madeline Clementine, bidding farewell before the inevitable torch-wielding mob runs him out of town for using his freakish healing powers. Madeline urged him to stand his ground, suggesting that he use his powers to heal himself if the torches burn him. Madeline told Brigham that they needed to come up with a solution to the Hop Hop/Red Clay conspiracy.

MADELINE: “For once, violence isn’t the answer.”
BRIGHAM: “Well, I’ll believe THAT when I see it.”

As Constance Snell showed the little girl the sights of Little One Point, they ran into Sam the Horse. The girl introduced herself as Shirlene, and she and Sam hit it off (despite Sam repeatedly calling her “Charlene”).

As Constance had left the saloon unattended, Brigham Young was helping himself to some booze when Will McGotnuthin entered. They immediately went for their weapons. Brigham revealed that he recognized Will from the Wanted posters, but was willing to give him a chance to start anew as a schoolteacher.

BRIGHAM: “But I’m warning you…the first time a child gets a ‘B,’ I’m gonna fill you full of lead.”
WILL: “We don’t HAVE grades in Montessori school!”
BRIGHAM: “Then you might not last too long.”

Red Clay paid a visit to Roswell Diabolicus at Castle Gayskull. Roswell asked Red Clay to help him repay Brigham Young for healing Mr. Nosy, suggesting that they organize a “torch party” for him. Red Clay agreed, since he wanted to treat the townspeople nice before he evicts them. Red Clay explained about how Hop Hop had returned the land to his tribe in exchange for his choice of ten Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo.” Pausing only to observe that buffalo are flat-chested, Roswell revealed that he had rigged the election to set up Hop Hop as his pawn. Red Clay suddenly realized that the deal was worthless…but his people were already on their way!

Hop Hop was having a cup of Earl Grey (despite his obvious distaste for the inferior English tea) when Sam the Horse burst in and made a lot of fake fighting noises to make Madeline think he was confronting Hop Hop. Sam explained that Madeline had been the one who got the townspeople to accept him, but despite that debt, he couldn’t bring himself to beat up Hop Hop. Understanding his predicament, Hop Hop invited Sam to kick him in the face to make it look really convincing. Sam did so.

Madeline visited Will McGotnuthin, explaining that she’d been dismissed from her sheriff position and was in need of a job.

MADELINE: “I don’t care for children, but I like talkin’. Can’t that make me a teacher?”
WILL: “Every teacher I ever knew!”

Will confessed that the only subject he really knew anything about was whipping, and that he needed someone as knowledgeable as Madeline to help him run the school.

Sitting at his campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors. He sheepishly explained that the new treaty wasn’t valid because Hop Hop was only a puppet (at which point he had to explain to them what a puppet was). His ancestors urged him to take back the land by any means necessary, and to put his hand inside the puppet head.

Brigham Young entered Jed’s Saloon and was shocked to find himself face-to-face with his long-lost daughter Shirlene. As Shirlene railed against her father for everything she’d been put through, Brigham explained that he HAD to use his healing gift when it’s needed. Shirlene put her father to the test by shooting herself in the foot. Brigham laid his hands upon her leg and called upon the Lord to heal her, which He did. As the torch party approached, Brigham apologized to Shirlene for having to run out on her once again. Shirlene urged Brigham to stand up to the mob for once, but he ran out anyway.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 2: Who Was That Stranger Anyhow?

Episode 2: Who Was That Stranger Anyhow?

Mayor Hop Hop, shopkeeper Roswell Diabolicus, and the town’s new schoolteacher Will McGotnuthin held a ribbon-cutting ceremony to mark the opening of the new school. The ceremony fizzled out when they realized there weren’t any students yet.

In Jed’s Saloon, Brigham Young and Red Clay shared a peace pipe. Taking exception to being called “paleface,” Brigham pointed out that Red Clay’s face was mighty pale itself. Red Clay confessed his secret…he was not a full-blooded Chipapoo brave. Many years ago, a Chipapoo raiding party led an attack on an Italian nunnery, raping and scalping the nuns. Red Clay’s father, Chief Running Gag, fell in love with one of the nuns (despite having scalped her), kept her alive and brought her back to the village. Their child disguised his half-breed complexion by rubbing red clay on himself…hence the name “Red Clay.”

BRIGHAM: “I got a similar story, ’cept there’s no nuns or rapin’ in it.”

Constance Snell was standing on the street corner, drumming up business by offering free sample blowjobs. Sheriff Madeline Clementine tried to discourage Constance from hawking her wares on the street, but Constance explained that she viewed prostitution as a public service, keeping these ornery gunslingers too busy (not to mention too happy) to kill each other. Constance revealed that it was her 19th birthday, and Madeline sang her a birthday song.

Will McGotnuthin and Roswell Diabolicus were going over the lesson plans for the new school, with special attention devoted to the second person plural pronoun “y’all.” Will questioned the wisdom of Roswell keeping a wild bobcat as a pet, but Roswell compared it to what Will planned to do with the “wild” children of Little One Point.

In the mayor’s office, Hop Hop had just signed a bill legalizing prostitution so that Constance could stay in business when Red Clay entered. Recognizing each other as fellow stereotypes, Red Clay and Hop Hop became fast friends. Red Clay explained how his tribe had traded their land for a kazoo, and were then forced to march to Alabama. Hop Hop told Red Clay that it would take more than just the return of the kazoo to get the land back, and Red Clay sweetened the deal by offering Hop Hop his choice of 10 Chipapoo squaws “with mammaries of buffalo, rear end of white-tail deer.” Red Clay pulled out his peace pipe to seal the agreement, and Hop Hop got out some opium.

Engaging in some target practice, Sheriff Madeline Clementine shot a leaf off of a distant tree. Not to be outdone, Brigham Young massacred a passing flock of geese and herd of buffalo. Impressed by his shooting, Madeline told Brigham she was looking for a new deputy. Brigham wished her luck in finding one.

MADELINE: “Brigham Young, you are charmin’ when you’re dense, which is all the time.”

Madeline clarified that she wanted to take on Brigham as her new deputy, and he agreed. As Madeline asked Brigham to control his trigger finger, they noticed a herd of penguins passing by. Madeline joined Brigham in wiping them out.

By the campfire, Red Clay communed with the spirits of his ancestors, informing them of his deal with Hop Hop. His ancestors advised him on how to pay back the white man for their mistreatment…build casinos!

As Constance Snell gave Will McGotnuthin a backrub, she thanked him for his generosity in offering her 50 cents for “love & hot sex.” Taken aback, Will explained that he thought they were only talking about rent for the room. Constance was extremely perplexed, since this was the first time she’d met a man who hadn’t slept with her right away. To alleviate her confusion, Will agreed to get drunk and then have sex with her.

Doing inventory in the general store, Brigham Young told his boss, Roswell Diabolicus, that he’d put those boxes with the skulls in the back. Reminding Brigham that the back was now the new school, Roswell warned him that those boxes were dangerous TNT. As Brigham was a simple man, Roswell had no qualms about explaining his sinister plan to build the Rhode Island-sized cannon, with which he will force people to buy his inventions (the cellular telegraph, the sports utility wagon, etc.). Brigham sheepishly informed Roswell about his new position as deputy, explaining that he didn’t foresee this conflict of interest. Suddenly, a mysterious stranger entered, threatening Roswell. Brigham pulled a gun on him, and the stand-off began…

Hop Hop informed Madeline that Red Clay had reclaimed the land, and was initiating new rules. Madeline was outraged that the Chipapoo had taken back the land they’d been cheated out of fair & square. Asking Hop Hop if he had a green card, Madeline told him that, as a resident alien, he didn’t have the authority to make this agreement. Hop Hop asserted that, as mayor, he DID have the authority to fire her.

Back at the general store, the stand-off was interrupted when Will McGotnuthin entered to buy pencils. Taking advantage of the distraction, the stranger turned his gun on Roswell’s bobcat, Mr. Nosy. As Roswell pleaded, the stranger suddenly shot Mr. Nosy, only to be immediately riddled with bullets by Brigham Young.

Red Clay went to the saloon to inform Constance Snell that his tribe was coming back. He told her that the saloon would have to close because it was build on a sacred Chipapoo burial ground. Constance was outraged by the idea, launching into a semi-coherent lecture on the history of Jed’s Saloon. Suddenly, the spirits of Red Clay’s ancestors interrupted to suggest a compromise…they could convert the saloon into a casino! Constance liked the idea (not to mention being impressed by Red Clay’s talking to ghosts), so she invited Red Clay to the little room upstairs.

Roswell Diabolicus carried the wounded Mr. Nosy back to his home, Castle Gayskull. Brigham Young burst in, explaining that one of the reasons he’d been run out of various towns was that he had a miraculous gift for healing, which caused most people to treat him as a freak. Laying his hands upon Mr. Nosy, Brigham pleaded with God to save this cat which brought an old man such joy. Brigham and Mr. Nosy were bathed in a bright light as the music swelled in the background.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 5, Episode 1:Once Upon a Time in the West

Episode 1: Once Upon a Time in the West

Our story begins in the joint mayor’s office/sheriff’s office of Little One Point, where the newly-elected Mayor Hop Hop was not happy about sharing the room with Sheriff Madeline Clementine. Since Hop Hop had no political experience (he hadn’t even run for office, he just woke up one morning and was informed he was mayor), Madeline suggested that he just be a figurehead and let her take care of the administrative work. They talked about Hop Hop’s arduous journey from China to this land of opportunity where dreams come true. Madeline confessed that she saw no chance of her own dreams coming true, since all the menfolk were too afraid of her authority to have any romantic interest in her. Hop Hop consoled her.

The town shopkeeper, Roswell Diabolicus, was doing inventory (assisted by his pet bobcat Mr. Nosy) when his assistant Brigham Young came in late for work. Despite this, Roswell gave Brigham a promotion to manager, explaining that his tardiness was unimportant as long as he was there before the customers, and ready to give Hop Hop his noodle injection. Roswell warned Brigham that this position came with a price, mysteriously explaining that one night, Roswell would tap on his window and call upon him for a favor. Brigham had no problem with that.

Sam the Horse was out grazing when he met the mysterious whip-wielding stranger in black, Will McGotnuthin. As Will explained that he’d been walking all the way from Macon, a passerby stuck a “Wanted” poster on a nearby cactus. Realizing that Will was a fugitive, Sam nevertheless agreed to give Will a ride to Little One Point, as long as Will didn’t try to change their way of life. Will couldn’t make that promise, as his goal was to bring education to the old West. Will tried to explain that the changes he wanted were better than the changes Sam feared.

SAM: “So…if the new change is different from the old change, then…you’d change things exactly the way they are!”

Saloonkeeper/madam Constance Snell was tending bar when Red Clay, the Chipapoo brave, entered. As she poured him a drink, Red Clay explained that he had no money…only the kazoo for which his ancestors had traded this land years before. Sheriff Madeline Clementine arrived and asked about the rumors of a mysterious stranger heading into town. Red Clay replied that he had indeed seen a man who “smelled of far away,” prompting Constance to share an utterly pointless reminiscence about her cousin.

Roswell Diabolicus made a house call to Hop Hop, congratulating him on his election. When they shook hands, Hop Hop got a splinter from Roswell’s wooden index finger (the result of a deal Roswell made with a Mexican). Roswell offered to get Hop Hop his own office if he’ll appoint Roswell to his cabinet. Roswell then sweetened the deal by offering him free noodle injections.

Playing poker with Sam the Horse, Brigham Young presented his hand (two threes, a queen and an ace) with a proud “BOO-YAH!” As Sam collected his winnings, Brigham bragged about his promotion. Brigham then mentioned the mysterious packages that had been arriving at the store, marked with faces with X’s where the eyes should be.

Constance Snell wondered why everyone thinks everything she says is something dirty. Then she announced “I have a fantastic vagina,” and broke out into a song about it.

Being a hands-on kind of mayor, Hop Hop was manning the Welcome Center, telling the mysterious visitor about all of Little One Point’s attractions (including Constance’s fantastic vagina).

WILL: “Is there a point in this conversation where you shut up?”
HOP HOP: “Well…no.”

A young woman strolled by and nailed up another Wanted poster, but Hop Hop was too busy looking up her skirt to pay attention to the poster. Will McGotnuthin explained that he’d noticed the town needed a schoolteacher, and offered to fill that void. Hop Hop had him write out an application on the back of the Wanted poster, then asked Will about his policies. Will explained that he would let the children fend for themselves when it came to lunch, and that he would use his whip to maintain the pace of learning. Hearing this, Sam the Horse called Will over and advised him to rethink his policies. Sam gave Will his calling card…a chess piece.

Over in his Gothic manor, Castle Gayskull, Roswell Diabolicus opened his packages of TNT. Roswell gloated over his plan to build a cannon the size of Rhode Island, capable of blowing a Rhode Island-sized hole in the country. Asking Mr. Nosy for advice, Roswell decided to persuade Hop Hop to bring in more Chinese “railroad workers”…who will unwittingly build the Rhode Island Cannon for him!

Sitting by the campfire, Red Clay realized he’d forgotten his peace pipe, so he started smoking the kazoo instead. He called upon the spirits of his ancestors, who told him to find the Chief of the town by looking for a terrible stereotype. Red Clay realized they meant Hop Hop (the only terrible stereotype he knew besides himself).

Will McGotnuthin arrived at Constance’s saloon, looking for a room to stay. Thinking he was asking for more than just a room, Constance led him upstairs.

As Sheriff Madeline Clementine assembled a posse, Sam the Horse lectured the other horses for passively participating in their own subjugation. Suddenly, the old coot Gabby rushed in, shouting “I seen ’im!” Gabby collapsed and died, as Brigham Young attempted CPR. Noticing a familiar white substance on Gabby’s shoes, Sam realized that their quarry was at the saloon.

Having found one of Roswell’s packages lying in the road, Red Clay brought it in to the general store. As Roswell sat down in a precarious and vaguely objectionable pose, he offered to help Red Clay reclaim his tribal land if Red Clay would keep an eye on Will McGotnuthin. Red Clay was reluctant to make a deal with the white man, so Roswell offered him booze.

As Constance led Will to the bed, the posse burst in. As Madeline confronted Will, Hop Hop recognized that this “mysterious stranger” was the town’s new schoolteacher. Madeline changed her tune and welcomed the stranger, a perplexed Brigham Young reminded everybody about Gabby’s death. Hop Hop dismissed his concerns by pointing out that Gabby dies all the time, and had been suffering a case of the sniffles. The rest of the group persuaded Brigham to convert the back of the store into a classroom. Brigham agreed, but was still puzzled by one thing:

BRIGHAM: “How does the sniffles make a bullet hole appear?”

TO BE CONTINUED…

A New (Old) Season!

Now that I've finished posting all of the Season 4 synopses, it's time to move on to Season 5. In this season, the Dad's Garage improvisors took a look back to the early days of Little Five Points...way back when it was only Little One Point. The Old West!

Season 4, Episode 23: The Final Chapter

Episode 23 – The Final Chapter

After doing a rockin’ musical number to celebrate their new careers as social workers, Commander Blanket smashed his guitar. Blanket noticed that Shika’s face was now patterned instead of solid blue, and Shika explained that it was a chameleon-like change cause by his great sadness at leaving the Keeton-2 behind. Blanket revealed some unfortunate news…a telegram from Spaceforce informed them that, due to budget cuts, they had abandoned their plans to pick up the crew and bring the station down to earth. Instead, they’re just going to let the Keeton-2 and the entire expendable crew burn up on re-entry.

Altair-3 (the right arm of the giant composite Altair robot) was giving Edwina attitude over her transformation from android to human. She defended herself by pointing out that, while Altair-3 was only a part of a whole, she was now complete in a way Altair-3 would never understand.

As Armageddon Uno did a final check on the butter-churn rocket, Scoopella entered. She explained who she was, and told him that she loved him.

In the station’s centrally located park, Elder Amos Fisher prayed for God’s blessing on the butter-churn rocket. Suddenly, Amos clutched at his chest and collapsed. Jacob entered and saw his fallen adoptive father.

AMOS: “Jacob…I think it’s my ticker…my pumper…my lub-a-dub-dubber…”

Amos told Jacob that he wouldn’t be able to help him anymore…and that Jacob was now the leader of the Amish people. As a symbol of leadership, Amos handed his red suspenders over to Jacob. As the end neared, Amos cried out:

AMOS: “Jacob! I see the Kingdom!”
JACOB: “What’s it like?”
AMOS: “It’s like…Tuberon!”

And with that, Elder Amos Fisher died.

Cody Gage and Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as…oh, come on, you know who he is by now) were packing up to start their new life. Dwayne told her that his vast wealth would enable them to go anywhere they wanted, but Cody insisted that she had to actually accomplish something with her life…and she could do that by opening a storage facility for the special-needs people on Tuberon. Dwayne proposed that they not stop there, but open a whole chain of storage facilities. As Dwayne planned their life together, Cody tearfully confessed that she couldn’t burden Dwayne with her terrible medical condition…irritable bowel syndrome. Dwayne tenderly revealed that he shared her affliction.

Altair-4 searched for the other robots. Just as he left, Altair-5 entered. Altair-5 left, and Altair-2 arrived.

ALTAIR-2: “This is like a bad Keystone Kops scene!”

Armageddon and Scoopella took a shower with their clothes on. Scoopella told Armageddon that she’d loved him ever since he took her to Detroit.

ARMAGEDDON: “Wait a minute! Last time I saw you, you were 12. Now, I’m no Paula Poundstone…”

They considered combining her powers and his know-how to start an unprecedented crime wave. Scoopella revealed that, while she was being tested in Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, she found a box containing a billion dollars, which they could use to finance their spree. Tempting as the offer was, Armageddon confessed that his mission to pilot the Amish to Tuberon had taught him an important lesson…it feels good to do good.

Jacob Fisher eulogized his adoptive father, with Dr. Shika in attendance for the impromptu funeral. After the ceremony, Shika gave Jacob even more bad news, telling him about Spaceforce leaving everyone to die. Shika pleaded with Jacob to take them along in the butter-churn rocket. After some quick calculations, they learned that the butter-churn rocket could hold all of Earth’s Amish population, all of Earth’s retarded people, and the entire Keeton-2 crew…except for one person.

Altair-3 got a message from the other Altair robots informing him that they were all outside the station, ready to fulfill their purpose. Altair-3 went out, and we witnessed the awesome spectacle of the five Altairs forming one giant robot (courtesy of the station’s monitor projection screen).

Edwina took a reluctant Scoopella to see her father Jacob. Jacob was ill at ease at being reunited with the destroyer of Detroit, but Edwina urged him to forgive their daughter. Edwina explained Scoopella’s origin, then pointed out her own transformation.

EDWINA: “I’m all human now! I’m still British…I hope we can get past that.”

Jacob confessed his own secret, that he was actually an alien rocketed to Earth as an infant. He opened his shirt to reveal the “A” logo (for Amish-Man) on his super-hero costume underneath. They realized that they were all misfits, and could draw strength from belonging together. Jacob apologized for trying too hard to mold Scoopella into the Amish way of life, and Scoopella apologized for slaughtering Detroit.

Commander Blanket presented Cody Gage with an honorable discharge, then gave her a bag full of his most prized badges and buttons. As Cody reeled from the honor, Dwayne McLifegiver stormed in, enraged over the theft of a billion dollars and 37 cents, which he had packed in a box marked “Tomatoes.” Commander Blanket smoothed things over by offering them the millions he won betting of the Detroit Tigers back in a long-forgotten plot point from Episode 11.

Armageddon Uno stood between his two ships, torn between the freedom and adventure of the Chicken Hawk and the duty and heroism of the butter-churn rocket. Armageddon also felt guilty about taking the billion dollars from Dwayne McLifegiver, the man who truly cares for Armageddon’s sister Cody. Just then, Cody entered, and Armageddon thanked her for fixing his ship…and fixing his heart. Suddenly, a furious Dwayne entered with a gun. Luckily, before things could escalate, the assembled giant Altair robot (now known as “Valtair”) spoke up from outside the station to stop the violence. Calmed down, Dwayne apologized for losing his temper. He told Armageddon that, since Commander Blanket had generously given them his millions, he was going to follow suit and give Armageddon HIS billions.

Suddenly, Commander Blanket arrived, hustling everybody aboard the butter-churn rocket. Just as everyone else boarded, Blanket shut the door behind them. Since one person had to stay behind, Commander James Tranquility Blanket was prepared to sacrifice himself and go down with the ship. (Plus, the Chicken Hawk’s auto-pilot took off to rendezvous with Armageddon later, so scratch that mode of escape.) Moved by Blanket’s heroism, Jacob called out through the portal:

JACOB: “I’ll carve a statue of you on Tuberon!”
BLANKET: “Make me skinnier!”

As everyone bid farewell, Valtair suddenly spoke up, offering to rescue Blanket from the doomed station.

VALTAIR: “Come with us! What do you say?”
BLANKET: “I say…take me down to the Paradise City, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty…”

Everyone began singing along with Commander Blanket as the two vessels separated. As the Keeton-2 went down in flames, the butter-churn rocket arrived at Tuberon. Our heroes’ old home was gone…but a new one lay ahead of them.

THE END

Season 4, Episode 22: Go Altair Force!

Episode 22: Go Altair Force!

Dwayne McLifegiver (formerly known as Dwayne Tomagachi and Angus McMurder) and Cody Gage were packing up the equipment from the Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense. Coming across his Torture Droid, the now-reformed Dwayne urged Cody to destroy it along with all his other evil devices. After pondering how much money she might get for pawning it, Cody put the Droid away and said she’d destroy it later. They practiced for their new jobs at the storage facility with a bit of role-playing. When Cody, playing a customer, approached Dwayne about storing some toxic materials, Dwayne suggested some evil ideas but quickly stopped himself. Cody decided to handle the customer service herself. As Cody calculated how much they’d make in their new jobs, Dwayne mentioned that he was a billionaire.

Altair-9000 told Armageddon Uno about his past, explaining that his creator, Dr. Bob Frapples, created five Altair robots capable of forming one giant robot.

ALTAIR: “Then we realized there’s no earthly use for a giant robot, so we split up.”

Jacob Fisher’s adoptive father, Amos Fisher, explained more about Jacob’s true origins. Amos found Jacob as an infant in a butter-churn launched from space…proof that there is Amish intelligence elsewhere in the universe. Amos told Jacob that he was the hope of the Amish people.

Commander Blanket reflected on his last week in command of the station. Dr. Shika arrived, and Blanket revealed what he wanted to do with his life. Commander Blanket’s great ambition was to become a social worker and help special children. And, in keeping with the spirit of the Golden Age of Social Work, Blanket adopted a new ’70s outfit. Blanket invited Shika to help him out in his new career, and Shika promised to stop by whenever he’s not spending time with his family on Guano-9.

Edwina was cleaning up in the commissary when her daughter Scoopella entered, fully grown, fashionably dressed, and bearing a strange resemblance to the late Scoop Quasar. Scoopella explained that, after her rampage destroyed Detroit, a nice woman named Catherine Shamrock found her and took her to the Queen Pretty Reform School for Girls, where they turned her into a real lady. Scoopella asked who her father really was, and Edwina decided to take her to Dr. Shika for a DNA test.

Altair-9000 received a radio message from the rapidly approaching Altair-3, who would form the left leg of the giant Altair robot.

On their way to Dr. Shika, Edwina and Scoopella ran into Dwayne Tomagachi. Edwina introduced them.

EDWINA: “This is Scoopella.”
DWAYNE: “No, that’s definitely Scoop Quasar in a ridiculous wig!”

Edwina managed to convince Dwayne that it was indeed Scoopella. Dwayne started to suggest that Scoopella take over the world, but stopped himself. Scoopella suggested that perhaps the Queen Pretty Reform School could help him change his evil ways. Dwayne proposed that they run the necessary tests on Scoopella in his Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, since Dr. Shika would probably just foul the tests up.

Cody Gage ran into Dr. Shika, sporting his new ’70s outfit. When Shika explained that he was going to help Commander Blanket help special-needs children, Cody began feeling that her own plans for the storage facility were insignificant. She and Dr. Shika came up with a way that she could make a difference, too—opening a storage facility for retarded people!

Altair-3 approached the station, eager to finally fulfill his purpose.

Commander Blanket visited Amos Fisher in the barn. Amos initially shunned Blanket’s new “hippie” getup, but they smoothed that over. Amos had realized a flaw in Jacob’s plan…the butter-churn rocket would carry all the Amish people, but couldn’t hold their belongings. The Amish, especially the special-needs Amish, need a place to store their stuff. When Blanket learned that 75% of the Amish are retarded, he suggested that they expand their plan to create a homeworld for ALL of Earth’s retarded people as well.

As Jacob Fisher and Armageddon Uno did a last-minute check on the butter-churn rocket, Jacob revealed that the entire barn section of the station was part of his ship, and would detach from the rest of the Keeton-2. Armageddon was amazed that a simple Amish farmer could accomplish all this, and Jacob explained about his extraterrestrial origins. Speculating as to whether Jacob had any powers besides his advanced knowledge, Armageddon recalled how hard Jacob had hit him a couple of weeks ago. Testing Jacob’s strength, they discovered that Jacob could lift a cow with one hand.

Altair-4 arose from the wreckage of Detroit and flew towards the station.

After testing Scoopella’s DNA, Dwayne discovered that Scoopella was 1/3 Jacob, 1/3 Edwina, and 1/3 Scoop…a perfect hybrid of human, android, and Amish alien. As they wondered what this could mean, Dwayne sent Edwina through a shining portal to fetch some Frusen Gladje. When Edwina returned, Dwayne slapped her. Edwina felt the pain…then realized she was now fully human. Amazed and grateful, Edwina wondered how Dwayne had done it, since she hadn’t been able to contact her creator Gary Petto. Dwayne revealed that he WAS Gary Petto. A flashback revealed that Dwayne/Petto’s daughter had been hit by a car while he was too busy building Edwina, and that he had engineered the entire chain of events to create Scoopella as a replacement for his dead child. Upset by Dwayne’s manipulations, Edwina got into a shouting match with him.

EDWINA: “You may be able to scream louder, but I can scream shriller!”

They stopped when they realized that their fighting was traumatizing Scoopella. Dwayne explained that now that Edwina was human, Jacob could finally embrace her without going against his Amish beliefs. Suddenly, Altair-2 arrived. Recognizing Scoopella as the destroyer of Detroit, Altair-2 backed out of the room.

Cody Gage & Dr. Shika told Commander Blanket & Jacob Fisher about their plans for the pro bono retarded storage facility. Blanket then told Jacob about his own plan to bring all Earth’s retarded people along with the Amish to planet Tuberon. Taken aback, Jacob revealed that he had only planned on taking the healthiest of the Amish, leaving inbreeding behind. Shocked by Jacob’s uncharacteristic insensitivity, Blanket reminded him of the lessons of helping others instead of judging them.

TO BE CONCLUDED…

Season 4, Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot

Episode 21: The Great Emancipat-bot

After last week’s body-switching experience, Altair-9000 now had the mind of Abraham Lincoln. Altair/Lincoln delivered the Emancipation Proclamation to Jacob Fisher’s livestock, setting all the animals free. Jacob entered and argued that it was God’s plan for animals to be subjugated to human needs.

JACOB: “Cows are here to provide milk for people…and baby cows, but more importantly for people.”

Dr. Shika advised Edwina Prototype to choose between her android and human natures, telling her to “shit on the pot or get off.”

EDWINA: “What I wouldn’t give to shit! It’s so human! The most human acts of all, to shit and to cheat on one’s taxes.”

Needing further counseling, Edwina broke into a song entitled “What Would You Do, Dr. Shika? I Need Your Wisdom.” Dr. Shika told her to listen to her heart.

Steering the station with a wine cooler in one hand and champagne in the other, Commander Blanket suddenly noticed that his beehive had died of neglect, having been ignored since Episode 12. In his sorrow, Blanket reflected on all the other duties he’d failed, and swore to fulfill his promises to deliver the Amish people to Tuberon, help Altair find his four counterpart robots, and get Armageddon Uno laid three times in three weeks. Suddenly, Jacob Fisher’s father Amos Fisher entered the station, having built a spiral staircase into the sky. Amos explained his misgivings about Jacob’s plans to establish a new Amish homeworld. Commander Blanket offered to show Amos his son’s work so he could see Jacob’s sincerity.

Cody Gage’s true personality had returned to her body, while Dwayne McLifegiver (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi, a.k.a. Angus McMurder) was now occupied by both his own personality and Altair’s. After Cody explained her plans to become a beauty professional after she goes back to Earth, they talked about how Dwayne/Altair’s dual personality would affect their relationship.

DWAYNE/ALTAIR: “It’s the best of both worlds! You get someone who wants to experience everything life has to offer…and someone who wants to destroy life. That’s a balance, I guess.”

As Armageddon Uno helped Jacob round up the emancipated livestock, Jacob explained the proper Amish was of slaughtering animals using the Amish martial art of Mish Fu. Jacob proceeded to give Armageddon a rather homoerotic-looking demonstration, while Commander Blanket and Amos Fisher looked on in horror.

Altair/Lincoln was wandering the hallways when Amos and Blanket walked by, still shocked by what they thought they had seen. Perplexed by the strange presidential figure, Amos shunned Altair/Lincoln once he realized he was a robot.

Still unsure of her future career path, Cody Gage scanned the classified ads for something she and Dwayne/Altair could do together. She found an offer to open a storage unit in Lawrenceville, getting paid 6.75 an hour just to live there and watch over the place. The Altair side of Dwayne’s persona balked at the idea, refusing to settle down in one place and give up all life’s experiences. As Altair searched for more exciting work, he discovered an ad from Dwayne’s brother, Heinous McMurder, seeking a new partner in crime. Dwayne was so enraged by his brother’s backstabbing ad that his fury displaced Altair’s personality. Altair returned to his own body just as Lincoln smashed a cane across Amos’ back.

Commander Blanket found Armageddon Uno in the hold. Blanket explained that he wasn’t happy with Spaceforce’s plans to reassign him as a PE teacher in Arizona, and asked if he could travel the universe together with Armageddon. Armageddon accepted the Commander’s request, saying that Blanket reminded him of his old monkey sidekick, Jim-Jim. Commander Blanket shared some bad news…while searching for the other Altair robots, he’d also found out what happened to Jim-Jim. Blanket asked Armageddon if he’d ever seen “Faces of Death.” Armageddon gleefully recalled the movie’s most gruesome moments, until he remembered the restaurant that served monkey brains.

Dr. Shika tended Amos Fisher’s injuries. Amos was initially shocked by the blue-skinned alien’s appearance, but his brutal punishment at Altair’s hands had convinced him not to judge others. Amos was impressed that Shika could fix his back chiropractically, using his hands instead of technology. As they conversed, Shika explained that his true name doesn’t translate into English, and he adopted the name “Shika” after watching Sammy Davis Jr. Shika whispered his real name to Amos, who recognized it as an Amish name. Amos revealed that he’d come to bring his son bad news…the Amish have rejected Jacob’s plan to lead them to a new homeworld.

Dwayne was in the commissary, readjusting to having complete control of his body once again. As Edwina entered and fixed him some Caribou Coffee, Dwayne told her that he now understood what it was like to live as a half-human, half-android. The conversation turned to Edwina’s memories of her own creator, G. Petto. Dwayne recognized the name as belonging to Gary Petto, an employee of the Yamamoto Corporation. Dwayne gave Edwina Dr. Petto’s address so that she could finally become fully human.

Cody Gage ran into Altair-9000, who was discarding his Lincoln outfit. Altair confessed that his experiences as both Dwayne and Lincoln had left him with complex, conflicted emotions about humanity.

CODY: “This isn’t going to be one of those split-personality things, is it? ’Cause I’ve had about enough of that.”
ALTAIR: “I was just gonna open up and tell you how I feel, but fuck you!”

And with that, Altair stormed out.

As Amos Fisher read Shika’s books on chiropractic, Jacob arrived. Amos told Jacob that the elders had rejected his plan, considering the butter-churn rocket to be too much like technology. But that wasn’t the only news Amos brought. Amos explained that, long ago, he and his wife had been trying to have a child for 14 years with no results…then one day, Amos went out into a field to pray for a son. A blue light streaked through the sky, and Amos followed the light to a little butter-churn with a baby inside. A baby whom he named Jacob.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 20: The Freakiest Friday of Them All

Episode 20: The Freakiest Friday of Them All

Commander James T. Blanket went to see Dr. Shika for a check-up after having grown slightly younger (thanks to Estrogena Nipplor’s sexual prowess). However, the check-up was just a pretext…Blanket really wanted to share some momentous news with Shika. Blanket revealed that Spaceforce would be launching the Keeton-3 station in three weeks. The Keeton-2 would be brought back to Earth and put on exhibit in the Cleveland Spaceatorium, and the crew will be reassigned. Blanket’s new job will be as a PE teacher in Arizona. Blanket and Shika resolved to do something meaningful before they’re grounded…like helping Jacob Fisher finish the butter-churn rocket.

Altair-9000 (who’d gone back to his original clunky construction) met the former Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). “Former” because, since changing his evil ways, Dwayne had rechristened himself Dwayne McLifegiver. Dwayne told Altair that he now wanted to help children, since he couldn’t have any of his own. (His brother Heinous McMurder had cut off Dwayne’s balls so they wouldn’t distract him from evil.) They celebrated Dwayne’s new lease on life by singing a karaoke version of “To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before.” Suddenly, Cody Gage entered, having been rescued from Pleasure-9 by her brother Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne learned that she’d gone down to search for him, he was touched that she had cared enough to do that. However, Cody was upset that Dwayne hadn’t tried to find her while she was stranded on the planet. Altair became equally upset by Dwayne’s treatment of her. As the emotional intensity of the scene peaked, suddenly, the three of them swapped personalities.

Edwina Prototype was sensually eating hot Krispy Kremes when Armageddon Uno entered and attempted to take advantage of her supine position. When Edwina rebuffed his advances, Armageddon advised her to sow her wild oats before her upcoming wedding to Jacob Fisher. He told her to experience as much as she could in order to feel alive, but she replied that she felt alive through Jacob’s love and warmth. Armageddon started to explain the difference between love and programming, but soon got tired of talk and grabbed her. As Edwina returned his passionate embrace, Jacob entered.

As the dust cleared from the personality-swap, Cody Gage (in Altair’s body) and Dwayne McLifegiver (in Cody’s) went to the observation deck. Dwayne/Cody suggested sex, but Cody/Altair didn’t think it was possible in her new body.

Simultaneously steering the station, whistling a tune, dancing a jig, and caressing a poster of Raquel Welch, Commander Blanket was contemplating his future as a PE teacher when Altair (in Dwayne’s body) rushed in. Altair/Dwayne explained the situation, then agreed to help Blanket fix Jacob’s rocket without letting him know technology was involved.

ALTAIR/DWAYNE: “I’ll do it…and I’ll feel the first real emotion I’ve ever felt!”
BLANKET: “Me, too.”

As Edwina & Armageddon wrapped up their lovemaking, Jacob finally got their attention by applauding.

JACOB: “Once again, Mr. Uno, thank you for being the prime source of my pain.”

Armageddon revealed that he had planned the whole thing as revenge for Jacob firing him from his farmhand position. First, he led Jacob’s daughter on a crime spree, and now he’s seduced Jacob’s fiancée. Armageddon mocked Jacob for being weak and not standing up for the things he loved. Jacob maintained his Amish composure, refusing to be provoked, but Armageddon observed that his passivity just proved his point. Suddenly, God spoke to Jacob, granting him the strength and power to smite his enemies.

JACOB: “Oh, Mr. Uno, I forgot one important point.”

And with that, Jacob slugged Armageddon.

After sex, Cody/Altair remarked that she didn’t feel anything at all in her new robot body…but that lack of feeling was exactly what she’d been trying to attain her whole life. Altair/Dwayne entered and explained his theory on how they switched bodies. When they were in contact, Altair wished that he could feel human emotions. Cody wished she were completely stoned. As for Dwayne, he just wanted some boiled beef.

His jaw having been knocked out of place by Jacob’s punch, Armageddon went to Dr. Shika to snap it back. When Shika mentioned that Armageddon’s new look reminded him of Sammy Davis Jr., they attempted a duet of “Mr. Bojangles.”

Commander Blanket concealed a nuclear-powered engine inside the butter-churn rocket. Altair/Dwayne entered and quickly finished the job. Having done something selfless, Altair/Dwayne was gripped by an unfamiliar sensation…joy. The emotion was so overpowering that Altair/Dwayne collapsed.

Drunk with power, Jacob told Edwina about God speaking to him and telling him to lead his people in the butter-churn rocket. God said that He would make the other Amish listen to Jacob, and told him that he’d find an endless supply of loaves and fishes in the barn. Getting back to discussing their relationship, Edwina tried to put a positive spin on her fling with Armageddon by pointing out that her mistake was a human failing. She explained (in song) that her entire existence had been a series of screw-ups. Jacob told her that he realized her feelings were indeed genuine, just like his had been.

EDWINA: “Ooh, I don’t like the past tense.”

Jacob explained that he was just a cog in God’s plans, and couldn’t allow his feelings to interfere with fulfilling his role. Edwina told Jacob that she loved him too much to stand in his way, but added that there’d always be snickerdoodles waiting for him in the commissary if he ever came back.

Cody/Altair and Dwayne/Cody went to see Dr. Shika, explaining their body-switching problem. Dwayne/Cody went up to one of Shika’s machines and punched in an order for boiled beef. Suddenly, Dwayne/Cody took on the personality of Edwina Prototype, and Cody/Altair became Abraham Lincoln.

Jacob entered the barn and noticed that somebody had been tinkering with the rocket, but didn’t see anything amiss. When the fully-functional rocket activated, Jacob dropped to his knees in gratitude. Armageddon Uno entered and apologized for everything he’d done to Jacob (“I’m a jerk. That’s the kind of guy I am.”). Armageddon offered to make up for his previous behavior by piloting the butter-churn rocket and taking Jacob’s people to Tuberon.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 19: McMurder No More

Episode 19: McMurder No More

Revitalized by having constant sex with the Pleasure-9 she-bot Estrogena Nipplor, Commander Blanket had regressed to fratboy age. He brought her aboard the Keeton-2, promising her that he’d leave his command to be with her. He offered to put on some KISS records, but she was not impressed.

Back on the surface of Pleasure-9, Altair-9000 and Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) were reunited after being on their own for two weeks. In that time, Altair had found inner peace in the beauty of nature, while Dwayne had simply gone insane.

Edwina Prototype tinkered with the butter-churn rocket while Jacob Fisher was away on Earth searching for their daughter Scoopella. Dr. Shika entered, and Edwina confessed her doubts that Jacob really loved her. Shika pointed out that she obviously must still have feelings for Jacob, or else she wouldn’t be working on his invention.

On board the Chicken Hawk, Armageddon Uno was surprised to see Darren Johnson…partly because he wasn’t expecting any visitors, but mainly because Darren was stabbed to death in Episode 16. Darren explained that his body had been jettisoned into space and made its way to Pleasure-9, where he was “sexed back to life” by Estrogena. When Darren discovered that she had taken one of his testicles even as she restored his life, he swore to rescue Commander Blanket from Estrogena’s clutches.

Estrogena Nipplor and Edwina Prototype met and immediately recognized each other as sister she-bots. Estrogena remarked that she never expected to see another of her kind, as all her people were wiped out. Edwina accused Estrogena of doing the “wiping out” herself, but Estrogena explained that the everyone else on Pleasure-9 had actually succumbed to an allergy to cheap cologne. Edwina apologized for her initial hostility, and they sat down for some she-bot bonding.

Searching for Estrogena, Armageddon & Darren discovered Commander Blanket, now regressed to a teenager.

ARMAGEDDON: “You better stop bangin’ that broad, or you’ll be in the womb in twenty minutes!”

Altair and Dwayne made their way back to the station via a rope ladder. Dwayne talked to a basketball and reminisced about the hut he made from his own feces when he was alone on Pleasure-9. Altair tried to get Dwayne to snap back to his old self.

Dr. Shika examined the teenaged Commander Blanket while a tense and edgy Armageddon Uno stood guard.

SHIKA: “Commander, I’m a little concerned right now because NOBODY’S STEERING THE SHIP!”

Shika checked the station’s computers to track down Estrogena Nipplor. When Shika mispronounced her name, Armageddon threatened to kill him. That’s how tense and edgy he was.

Edwina and Estrogena got drunk and talked about their lives. When Edwina mentioned her daughter Scoopella, Estrogena was amazed that Edwina had delivered her the old-fashioned way (“It came out of your hoo-hah?”) instead of using a birthing pod. Estrogena envied Edwina for having a real relationship and real childbirth, then revealed that she’d like to have those experiences herself…with Darren Johnson.

Altair-9000 brought Dwayne Tomagachi to see Dr. Shika. As Shika examined Dwayne, Dwayne started mimicking the doctor. As he and Dwayne spoke in one voice, Shika diagnosed Dwayne’s madness as the result of malnutrition. Dr. Shika gave Dwayne a can of beans for protein, and Dwayne was soon restored to his old self.

DWAYNE: “Dr. Shika! You actually prescribed something that worked!”

Darren and Armageddon finally found Estrogena in the hallway. Darren and Estrogena were very happy to see each other, but Commander Blanket (restored to his proper age) entered and warned Darren that he was in danger of going from simple sex to a full-blown relationship. Estrogena asked if it was a bad time to mention she wanted a baby.

Dwayne was in the commissary when a drunken Edwina entered, looking for someone to commiserate with.

EDWINA: “Are you evil, or can I talk to you?”
DWAYNE: “Look at the goatee! I’m obviously evil!”

Nevertheless, Edwina poured out her heart about Scoopella’s rampage, and they sang a duet about the difficulties of raising children.

Altair was recharging when Estrogena came in. She told Altair how her entire family had been killed by Old Spice, but that she wanted to form a new family with Darren Johnson. Altair offered to help her serenade him.

Darren confessed that he was starting to develop genuine feelings for Estrogena. Commander Blanket warned him against wild, sexy women, suggesting that he find a woman he could be friends with instead. Just then, Dr. Shika rushed in and told them where Estrogena was.

Edwina was showing pictures of Scoopella to Dwayne. Dwayne was touched by the domestic scenes, and confessed that he’d always wanted children, but his brother Heinous always said they’d get in the way of their criminal career. He explained that he’d wanted to kidnap her baby for this reason, and not just so he could breed an android army. Edwina told Dwayne that he could give up his evil ways, adopt some children, and build a future with Cody Gage.

DWAYNE: “I don’t have to be a McMurder! I can be a McLiver! A McLifegiver!”

While looking for Estrogena, the search party got distracted by the holodeck, setting it to the pirate and Rodney Dangerfield programs. Estrogena entered and recognized Dr. Shika. She showed Shika the blue testicle from her collection…the one she inherited from her mother. She revealed that her mother had taken it from Shika’s father when he was stranded on Pleasure-9…meaning that Estrogena was Shika’s half-sister!

Altair-9000 found Darren and told him that Estrogena liked him. Darren was thrilled by the news. The search party and Estrogena entered, and the lovers had a happy reunion. Dr. Shika made an honest woman of his sister by performing a wedding ceremony. The newlyweds got into an escape pod and were jettisoned off to the planet Honeymoon-5.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 18: Enter Estrogena

Introducing Mary Kraft as Estrogena Nipplor.

Episode 18: Enter Estrogena

As Edwina Prototype piloted the station to Earth (where Armageddon Uno had taken her daughter Scoopella), Edwina and Jacob discovered that Detroit had been reduced to a smoking crater. As a human/android hybrid, Scoopella was immensely powerful…and when the mood swings of puberty hit her, she went on a rampage.

JACOB: “She’s no longer the daughter of the Lord…she’s now the Antichrist!”

On the planet Pleasure-9, Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) and Altair-9000 had mysteriously vanished, leaving Commander Blanket alone with just a tennis ball (whom he named “Schmilson”) as his only companion. Suddenly, a mysterious (and beautiful) woman arrived. She explained that she was from a race of highly advanced she-bots, luring men to their planet for reproduction (adding that they can only produce female offspring)…but that all of her people had left.

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: “Every instinct is telling me to throw you up against the wall and give you sex like you’ve never had before.”
BLANKET: “I say yes.”

Fleeing the wreckage of Detroit in the Chicken Hawk, Armageddon Uno was contacted by the Keeton-2. He shouted that “All the people who didn’t flee Detroit in the sixties are dead”—putting the bodycount somewhere in the tens.

Jacob prayed to God, apologizing for the terrible job he did bringing up Scoopella. He realized that by pushing her too hard into the Amish way of life, he only wound up pushing her away. Jacob asked God to punish him for his failure.

In the medlab, Dr. Shika offered to adjust Edwina’s circuits & wavelengths so that they could home in on Scoopella. They tried, but the signal wasn’t clear.

Cody Gage (whose hair had turned white from the stress of her separation from Dwayne) was teaching new crewmember Ensign Reggie how to guide the Chicken Hawk into the station’s docking bay. Once the ship was docked, Armageddon was stunned by his sister’s new look. Armageddon told Cody how he had been showing Scoopella a good time, teaching her how to rob casinos and shoot at cops, when she went out of control and started laying waste to the city. Cody advised him not to tell Edwina about the crime spree part of the story.

Back on Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket and his new friend basked in the afterglow.

BLANKET: “I only take off my ascot for two reasons…and that was both of them.”

Blanket was so re-energized by the incredible sex that his hair was no longer gray. He finally got around to asking the woman’s name—Estrogena Nipplor. When Blanket introduced his tennis-ball Schmilson, Estrogena giggled. Consulting a translation button in her arm, she explained that “Schmilson” in her language meant “butt sex.” Estrogena told Blanket that she needed his help to leave the planet. Suddenly, Dr. Shika contacted them on the communicator, and Estrogena demanded that they bring the ship or she’d kill the Commander.

A pained Jacob Fisher entered Dr. Shika’s office, explaining that God had answered his prayer to strike him down…the Lord sent a bolt from the heavens into his rear end. Examining Jacob, Shika diagnosed a case of “heavenly hemorrhoids.”

Edwina threw a screeching fit about the station leaving Earth to return to Pleasure-9. Once she got that out of her system, she sang a heartfelt ballad about Scoopella’s rampage.

EDWINA: “One city’s burned/And now I’ve learned/Not to procreate no more…”

On Pleasure-9, Blanket asked Estrogena to get a sandwich. After she left, Blanket asked Shika to run a check on her. Upon hearing the name “Nipplor,” Shika was aghast. Shika revealed that his father had been a delivery driver for Little Space Debbie, and had died of sexual exhaustion after taking a shipment of crackers to Pleasure-9. Estrogena returned empty-handed, explaining that there wasn’t any food to make a sandwich with. (“We haven’t had crackers in thirty years!”)

Cody Gage beamed down to Pleasure-9 to look for Dwayne/Angus.

As Jacob applied some ointment, Edwina entered with a snack that matched her mood—shortbread cookies that crumble & break up very easily. She felt that Jacob had never truly loved her, that her android nature was simply an exciting novelty for him. She offered to erase her memory of their relationship, but Jacob refused. He told her that his feelings for her were indeed genuine. He also confessed that his plans for the butter-churn rocket “sucked.”

Armageddon Uno and Ensign Reggie got to know each other over a malted milkshake. After Reggie talked about his girl back home and the Harvard scholarship waiting for him, Armageddon observed that Reggie had a LOT to live for. Dr. Shika rushed in, looking for volunteers to go down to Pleasure-9. Armageddon revealed that he had lost his third testicle the last time he was on Pleasure-9, and he was ready for some payback.

On Pleasure-9, Cody called out for Angus (pronounced “Anus”) until she ran into Commander Blanket and Estrogena. Cody pressed a button on Estrogena’s arm, and Estrogena was instantly seized by a need to go to the bathroom.

As the away team arrived on Pleasure-9, Dr. Shika warned them that he had a feeling one of them wouldn’t make it back. He was proved right when Estrogena entered and snapped Reggie’s neck. Estrogena and Armageddon recognized each other.

ESTROGENA: “Armageddon Uno. Long time no fuck.”

After Estrogena taunted Armageddon by telling him she kept his third nut on a keychain, Commander Blanket entered. Armageddon & Shika told Blanket that his new “girlfriend” was dangerous, but he didn’t believe them until Armageddon forced him to do a nut-check. Commander Blanket discovered that “there USED to be two of us!”

Back aboard the station, Jacob Fisher sacrificed a lamb (actually Jim Brewer’s “Goat Boy”) to save the lost souls of Detroit. In response, God finally spoke to Jacob, urging him to continue with his work. God told Jacob that the Amish were indeed the chosen people, and that hemorrhoids are the chosen affliction. When God told Jacob to make amends with Edwina, Jacob protested that she was an android, not made by God.

GOD: “I made the men who made the androids, Jacob. It’s part of my master plan.”
JACOB: “We could’ve saved a lot of trouble if you’d told me that 7 weeks ago!”

Alone on Pleasure-9, Cody Gage repeatedly called out for “Anus.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 17: Raising Scoopella

Episode 17: Raising Scoopella

Cody Gage was looking over some old love notes from her boyfriend Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder). Dwayne entered, informing her that he was still going down to Pleasure-9 despite last week’s disastrous briefing session. Dwayne mentioned that his brother, Heinous McMurder, had disappeared after they killed Darren Johnson. Dwayne feared that the carbonade freezing had caused his bloodthirsty twin to develop a conscience. Cody told Dwayne that nobody had ever cared for her strongly enough to kill somebody over her. They sang a karaoke duet of Meat Loaf’s “I Would Do Anything for Love.”

Jacob was teaching his “daughter” Scoopella (who was now physically and emotionally 11 years old, thanks to her half-android growth rate) about life on the farm. He started telling her the story of Noah’s ark, comparing it to his own calling to lead the Amish into space in his butter-churn rocket. Scoopella just couldn’t get past the oxymoron of Amish astronauts. When Jacob gave her a little monkey bookmark he had made, Scoopella lashed out at the childish gift. Jacob exclaimed that Edwina must have poisoned Scoopella against his Amish ways.

Commander Blanket told Altair-9000 he was worried about the upcoming mission to Pleasure-9, then illustrated his fears through modern dance. Afterwards, Blanket told Altair that the McMurder brothers were too evil to live, and instructed the robot to make sure they don’t make it back.

ALTAIR: “All right, sir. I’ve killed before…out of sheer stupidity.”
BLANKET: “So have I. That’s why I can talk to you.”

Blanket explained that Altair’s soft dough-filled mitts could be heated in an oven until they harden into deadly weapons (“but not too long, or they’ll get brittle & fall off”).

Edwina Prototype and Armageddon Uno were shopping for fish and discussing Scoopella. Edwina worried that Jacob was going too far in raising her in the Amish tradition. Armageddon suggested that he talk to Scoopella and encourage her to be herself. (Incidentally, Armageddon’s right hand was grotesquely swollen from a recurring after-effect of an old trip to Chlamydia-6…but let’s not get into that.)

As Commander Blanket began briefing the away team, Altair couldn’t resist nibbling on his baked cookie-hands.

Jacob was lecturing Scoopella about humility when Armageddon Uno arrived and told Jacob Edwina wanted to see him. Once they were alone, Armageddon asked Scoopella if she enjoyed being Amish. She didn’t. Scoopella told him that she wanted to go to Earth. Armageddon replied that he was going to take her to the greatest city on the planet, and launched into a stirring speech on the wonders of Detroit, Michigan.

Arriving on Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket was surprised to find that the planet, usually populated by gorgeous women, was completely deserted. The explorers discovered “The Diary of Fan Bank” and learned that an evil force had invaded the place. Altair (now one-handed) sensed something approaching.

After a brief stop at the medical center to take care of his hand, Armageddon headed to Earth with Scoopella. He noticed that the girl was developing a real attitude, and realized that she must’ve just hit puberty.

Cody Gage found the “Back in 15 Minutes” note that Commander Blanket left on the bridge.

Edwina told Jacob that she’d asked Armageddon to babysit Scoopella so they could have a romantic evening. Then she abruptly demanded sex. Jacob insisted that he couldn’t “soil” Edwina again until they were married. When Edwina realized that Jacob wasn’t giving in this time, she arranged to have the ceremony right away.

On Pleasure-9, Commander Blanket sent Dwayne Tomagachi to scout out the scene. Immediately afterwards, Blanket ordered Altair to follow Dwayne and kill him (warning the robot not to eat his other hand before finishing the job).

Just as it dawned on Cody that the note didn’t say when the 15 minutes started, Edwina rushed in, looking for Commander Blanket so he could perform the wedding. Checking the monitors, Edwina discovered that the Commander was on Pleasure-9, and that Armageddon had taken Scoopella to Detroit in the Chicken Hawk. Her maternal instincts kicking into overdrive, Edwina started steering the station back to Earth.

In Detroit, Armageddon & Scoopella were playing basketball when they got involved in a drive-by shooting. Armageddon handed Scoopella his gun. She returned fire and liked it. Armageddon decided to give Scoopella more kicks by taking her to rob a casino.

Jacob arrived on the bridge and found Edwina at the helm. When Edwina explained that Armageddon had taken their daughter to Detroit, Jacob was filled with horror.

EDWINA: “Calm down! It’s all right!”
JACOB: “It’s NOT all right! It’s NEVER all right in Detroit!”

Jacob confessed that Detroit was the site of his youthful indiscretions…the place where he saw “The Crying Game.” On the monitors, they saw Armageddon and Scoopella making their getaway from the robbery, guns a-blazin’.

As Altair grabbed Dwayne, Commander Blanket realized that the station was no longer circling Pleasure-9. He called off the attack, explaining that they may need Dwayne alive while they’re stranded there. Checking the supplies, they discovered that the only food they had was Altair’s cookie-dough hands.

TO BE CONTINUED….

Season 4, Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands

Episode 16: Altair Cookiehands

As the station approached Pleasure-9, Commander James T. Blanket was having nightmares about the crew dying horribly on the planet.

Edwina & Jacob held the newborn Scoopella. Edwina warned Jacob that her half-android nature would cause the baby to grow up very quickly. When Jacob mentioned that he’d be raising Scoopella in the Amish tradition, Edwina was upset that he hadn’t included her in such an important decision. She told Jacob that, whatever the actual parentage may be, they had to think of her as THEIR daughter.

Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) held Armageddon Uno prisoner, forcing him to watch reruns of “Golden Girls.” Releasing Armageddon from the force field, Dwayne admitted that his heart hadn’t been in his evil plans since falling in love with Armageddon’s sister Cody Gage.

DWAYNE: “There’s a certain purity about her…that stoned naiveté…”

Armageddon offered to swear a blood oath with Dwayne, promising that he wouldn’t give Dwayne away if Dwayne would look after Cody. Dwayne agreed, on the condition that Armageddon take a blood test first.

Cody was explaining her duties to Dwayne’s twin brother Heinous McMurder. The conversation turned to Cody’s engagement to Dwayne/Angus, and Heinous revealed that the last girl Angus had been engaged to had broken his heart. Cody gave a more-than-usually incoherent reply involving Dr. Laura, but the gist of it was that she would never do that to Dwayne. Cody and Heinous hugged, despite Heinous’ difficulty expressing himself non-violently.

Commander Blanket met Darren Johnson, the winner of a radio contest to visit the space station. Blanket suddenly realized that he didn’t need to risk his crew’s lives on Pleasure-9 when he could sacrifice an innocent civilian instead. He offered to put Darren through a rigorous training montage.

Wracked with guilt over killing Scoop, Altair-9000 had replaced his hands with dough-filled oven mitts to make sure he couldn’t hurt anyone again. Dr. Shika talked with Altair about his grief, then gave the robot a copy of Judy Blume’s “Super Fudge” to help him with these difficult feelings.

Darren Johnson’s training montage began.

Cody and Edwina went over the plans for Edwina’s wedding to Jacob. When Cody started crying about wanting a wedding of her own, Edwina assured her that “happiness begets happiness,” and her own wedding might just follow. Cody told Edwina about her fiancé, but her description was so garbled that Edwina didn’t realize she was talking about Dwayne Tomagachi. Cody sang a peppy upbeat song about her relationship.

The training montage concluded.

BLANKET: “All right! You’ve learned how to attract, kiss, seduce, push aside, kill, and seduce women.”

Darren confessed that he’d never had much time for women due to his work as producer of the horror movies Retarded Death-Stalkers I through III. As the atonal screams of the people of Retardo-Montalban 6 echoed through his head, Blanket urged Darren to stop exploiting special-needs people, and instead make films to help them. Darren was inspired to develop two new ideas: Retarded Flower Girl and Retarded Driving Instructor.

That night, Commander Blanket had an even more disturbing, inexplicable nightmare involving a naked Blue Man (not to be confused with Blue Man Group or Dr. Shika).

Cody and Darren talked shop about the station’s engines. Darren tried his newly-learned seduction techniques on Cody.

DARREN: “There’s three types of girls in this world. There’s fine-looking girls, there’s finer-looking girls, and, well, there’s the finest-looking girl!”

The McMurder brothers waited to ambush Commander Blanket on the bridge. Ensign Boggess entered and was immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Blanket arrived and found the crewman murdered, just like in his nightmare. As Dwayne spun the station’s steering wheel out of control, Ensign Armit entered and was (you guessed it) immediately killed by Heinous McMurder. Commander Blanket told the brothers that the station wasn’t even orbiting Earth anymore, but had arrived at Pleasure-9.

BLANKET: “If you love evil, you’ll love a planet full of women.”

As Jacob cradled Scoopella, Armageddon Uno came in, still holding a grudge. Armageddon’s anger subsided when he saw the baby. Jacob gave Armageddon a Bible Bar (“Based on a recipe from Deuteronomy 8:8”) to celebrate the birth. After taking a bite, Armageddon quickly “fed” his chewed-up mouthful to Scoopella.

Commander Blanket held a staff meeting, while Jacob handed out Bible Bars to everybody. (The Commander gave his own bar to Darren as part of his “training.”) From their hiding spot behind the computer, the McMurder brothers saw Darren flirting with Cody. Blanket informed everybody about the dangerous mission to Pleasure-9, explaining that the away team would consist of the McMurders and Darren Johnson—the most expendable people on board. As Cody pleaded for Dwayne to stay safely on board, a fight broke out between Dwayne and Darren. Altair tried to intervene, but his dough-hands were useless. Heinous McMurder brought the fight to an end by stabbing Darren.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 15: Death and Birth

Introducing Matt Stanton as Heinous McMurder...talked about since episode 1, and now finally making his appearance!

Episode 15: Death and Birth

In the barn, Jacob apologized to Bessie the cow for injecting her with heroin. A randy Edwina entered, impatient to have sex before the babies arrive and keep them too busy to consummate their relationship. Overhearing that Edwina needed help, Altair rushed in to assist in the delivery, but Edwina sent him away snappishly. Edwina hinted about the kind of “help” she needed. When that failed to persuade Jacob, Edwina seduced him with a sexy striptease.

Cody Gage and Dwayne Tomagachi/Angus McMurder giddily strolled through the station. Dwayne confessed that he felt bad about his failure to take over the station, as that was the first time one of his evil plans didn’t work. Dwayne marveled that he hadn’t been caught yet, but Cody explained that that was because he was hanging out with her, and most people avoid her.

Dr. Shika gave Armageddon Uno a rickets test before Armageddon sets off on his own adventures. Armageddon asked Shika to keep an eye out for his monkey Jim-Jim in case Jim-Jim was grooming bugs off of children on Guano-9. When Shika explained that his people secrete a natural insect repellent, Armageddon asked the doctor to put those secretions to work and give him a colon exam.

At the helm, Commander Blanket suddenly realized that, even though they’d squashed Dwayne’s plans to conquer the station for the Yamamoto Corporation, the station was still called the Healthy Happy Puff Puff Cigarette.com Space Station. Blanket made a note to change the name back to the Keeton-2. Altair-9000 entered, and Blanket forgave him for being part of Dwayne’s plan. He asked Altair to help him steer the station to the planet Pleasure-9.

BLANKET: “I need a navigation person. There’s probably a term for that, but I’m not sure what it is.”
ALTAIR: “It’s ‘navigator.’”
BLANKET: “I like the way you think.”

Blanket mentioned that Scoop Quasar hadn’t collected his last paycheck, and Altair casually explained that he’d snapped Scoop’s neck to cure his drug habit. Altair didn’t understand why Blanket was so shocked, and suggested that they just reboot Scoop and get him up and running again. When Blanket explained that people don’t work that way, Altair realized what he’d done and ran off.

In his secret Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, Dwayne Tomagachi discovered that the “defreezination chamber” was open. Suddenly, Dwayne’s brother Heinous McMurder finally emerged from his suspended animation and greeted his sibling. They swore revenge on Commander Blanket and Armageddon Uno. When Dwayne theorized that the monkey Jim-Jim had helped Armageddon capture Heinous, Heinous implied that he’d already taken care of Jim-Jim at one of those exotic restaurants that serve monkey brains. To celebrate their reunion, the McMurder brothers sang a karaoke version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

In the barn, Jacob and Edwina basked in the afterglow of their first sexual encounter. Although he was thrilled and amazed by the experience, Jacob was concerned that it might affect Edwina’s pregnancy.

EDWINA: “What, do you think I’m gonna get MORE pregnant?”

Edwina revealed that she was actually LESS pregnant now, since the quadruplets had fused themselves back into one baby. Suddenly, Edwina went into labor.

Dwayne/Angus introduced his brother to his girlfriend Cody Gage. Suddenly, Armageddon Uno entered to bid farewell to his sister Cody. The old enemies were surprised to see each other. When Heinous sarcastically asked Armageddon where Jim-Jim was, Armageddon explained that he had traded him to a prostitute on Pleasure-9. Armageddon questioned Cody about her “banging” Dwayne.

DWAYNE: “Are you disparaging this woman’s honor?”
ARMAGEDDON: “Hell no! I banged her too!”
[awkward pause]
CODY: “See, we didn’t KNOW we were brother & sister at the time…”

As Edwina’s labor continued, Altair rushed in, screaming in guilt and despair over having killed Scoop with “these hands! THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”

Dr. Shika was called to assist in the delivery, STAT!

Mourning over Scoop’s body, Commander Blanket wondered how he was going to explain to Scoop’s parents.

Armageddon informed Heinous McMurder that he’d gotten him off the hook with Mr. Beauregard. When Armageddon asked Heinous why he hadn’t carried out the contract on Beauregard’s wife, Heinous replied that he had a way with the ladies.

ARMAGEDDON: “You put it in that potato-woman?”
HEINOUS: “The eyes have it!”

The McMurder brothers and the Gage/Uno siblings grudgingly decided to call a truce since they were “almost” family.

Altair continued shrieking “THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!” Edwina reassured him that his guilt and suffering meant that he was developing human feelings (even though that was small consolation for the consequences of his actions). Suddenly, the contractions started again.

Armageddon, Cody & the McMurder brothers bonded over a barbecue. Dwayne assured Heinous that his love for Cody wouldn’t break up their team. As Armageddon prepared to leave, Dwayne asked Armageddon not to reveal anything he’d learned here. When Armageddon replied that his silence had a price, Dwayne pulled a gun on him.

Dr. Shika arrived and helped with the delivery. Suddenly, the baby (whom Edwina had decided to name “Scoop”) came out with such force that it was launched through the air. Altair safely caught the baby and tenderly handed it over to the happy parents.

ALTAIR: “You know how I caught that thing? With THEEEESE HAAAAANDS!”

Commander Blanket contacted Scoop’s parents and hesitantly informed them of their son’s death. As the Quasars cried uncontrollably, Blanket lied that Scoop had died heroically saving the station from attack. He agreed to send Scoop’s body back home to Muncie.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 14: Lactose Zero Tolerance

Episode 14: Lactose Zero Tolerance

The lovemaking of Angus McMurder (a.k.a. Dwayne Tomagachi) and Cody Gage was so passionate that it reduced the Chicken Hawk to wreckage…again. Cody asked Angus why his name was pronounced “Anus,” and he explained that his mother wanted it to rhyme with his brother Heinous. Dwayne/Angus/“Anus” flashed back to all the traumas his name brought him. Then he asked Cody to be a character witness at his imminent trial.

Simultaneously transforming into a robot and a junkie, Scoop Quasar was in the hayloft, searching for a vein that had not turned to copper. Since he could no longer shoot up directly, Scoop injected Bessie the cow so that he could drink her heroin-infused milk. When Jacob Fisher arrived, he saw that Scoop’s need for his “medicine” was so great that he agreed to Scoop’s plan.

The now nebulously ranked Commander Blanket was steering the station (and shamelessly plugging a local package store). Dr. Shika arrived and helped Blanket decipher a distress signal from the sinful planet Pleasure-9. They wasted no time in heading to the rescue.

Noticing a surplus of milk in the commissary, Edwina Prototype decided to throw an ice-cream party. Armageddon Uno stormed in, upset over the destruction of the Chicken Hawk. Edwina fixed him a patty melt and a tall glass of milk to calm his nerves. Armageddon drank the milk (while Dwayne made a Hamburglar-esque raid on his patty melt), then started having a psychedelic experience.

The memory-impaired Altair-9000 was repeatedly chewing & discarding the same piece of gum when Dwayne Tomagachi entered. Dwayne asked Altair to help him get off the station, but by the time he finished his request, Altair had already forgotten it.

Commander Blanket found Jacob Fisher rocking Scoop to sleep in the hayloft. Jacob offered the commander a glass of milk. Scoop compared the effect of the heroin milk to “drinking good sex.” Blanket was aghast, and worried that the whole crew would soon be “spritely and drunk.” Inexplicably, Commander Blanket sang a song about Senator John Kerry. The atonal screams of 150 special-needs kids echoed through Blanket’s head, but since he now knew that the explosion was Dwayne/Angus’ fault, it didn’t bother Blanket that much. Blanket gave Jacob the potato given to him by General Turnenkopf, containing the key to the butter-churn rocket.

Cody Gage had a glass of milk.

Edwina plugged into Altair’s system to fill in the gaps in his memory. Appalled by his past actions, Altair photographed himself and labeled it “Evil.” He swore to make amends by protecting Edwina and her babies.

Carrying a bucket of milk, Jacob Fisher had a conversation with God. Unlike all his previous conversations, this time Jacob began hearing a response. Altair and Edwina tried to detox Jacob by strapping him down and making him watch “A Clockwork Orange.”

Hopped up on milk, Cody took a ten-second nap and woke up completely rested and alert.

Back in the commissary, Jacob was having a fit over being forced to watch television. Altair snapped a photo of Jacob and labeled it “Junkie.” Believing the robot had just stolen part of his soul, Jacob freaked out, broke out of his restraints and began eating the Polaroid.

The hyperactive Cody rebuilt the Chicken Hawk all by herself in under a day. The equally whacked-out Armageddon crashed in. He suggested that they use the Chicken Hawk to rapidly circle the space station in the opposite direction until they go back in time, like at the end of “Superman.” Cody said she’d already tried that and it didn’t work. They decided to try it in reverse and see if they went into the future.

Commander Blanket arrived in the medlab to find Dr. Shika berating himself for prescribing heroin to Scoop. Shika explained that, on Guano-9, heroin is as harmless as Tylenol, and that he hadn’t anticipated his prescription causing so much trouble. Dwayne/Angus entered and knocked over the Commander’s Little Kings Cream Ale.

BLANKET: “How dare you knock over Cincinnati beer?!”

Dwayne opened the viewport and showed them that the Chicken Hawk was rapidly circling the station in the opposite direction (not in reverse, as Cody thought), and it was indeed causing time to reverse itself! Fortunately, as an alien and an old drunk (respectively), Dr. Shika and Commander Blanket were not affected. Dr. Shika proposed that they capture Dwayne and collect the reward on the fugitive. Shika further proposed detoxing the station by replacing the heroin milk with normal milk.

Scoop Quasar had a moment of clarity and tossed his works into the station’s artificial stream. Altair entered and offered to cure Scoop of his drug habit. Anxious to hear more, Scoop approached his old friend. Suddenly, Altair “cured” Scoop by snapping his neck!

Still bound and gagged, Jacob Fisher somehow managed to make it back to his quarters. Jacob apologized to God for befouling his body with drugs. Altair entered and offered to “cure” Jacob as well. Jacob declined, saying he felt he’d already beaten the habit.

ALTAIR: “Are you sure? I’ve got a REALLY good cure…”

Jacob explained that drug addiction was very similar to Satanic possession; that the evil is the drug’s, not the person’s. Jacob confessed that he had done some shameful, evil things in his past, like throwing other kids’ books into buggy traffic. This emotional outpouring led to a moment of bonding between Amish Man and Robot. Altair asked Jacob to make a wicker basket for him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 13: Memento, the Freshmaker

Weak title, I know, but I couldn't think of any other play on "Memento"...

Episode 13: Memento, the Freshmaker

Scoop Quasar went to see Dr. Shika to ask for medical advice. Scoop explained that, ever since Altair-9000 drove a fist into his stomach, he’d been discovering circuitry integrated into his own body, and felt compelled to cut himself off from human contact. Dr. Shika said he would try to help, but warned Scoop that Guano-9 medical science was only as advanced as Earth’s 1965 standards. Consequently, Dr. Shika prescribed heroin.

Since only the left side of his body had thawed out after being frozen in carbonade, Commander Blanket tried to maneuver his walker behind the station’s steering wheel to resume command. He fell and wrecked everything.

Although his trusty lantern had been smashed by Altair, Jacob found his spare in the barn. Edwina Prototype entered with a snack, thanking Jacob for rescuing her. When Jacob protested that he hadn’t really been any help in saving her from Dwayne Tomagachi, Edwina explained that he had saved her another way, by showing her that an android could indeed be human. They exchanged forgiveness, and Jacob proposed marriage. They kissed.

Their takeover having been put down, Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder) and Altair-9000 were in the brig. Since Altair’s systems had crashed, he could no longer retain new information and had to keep a constant photographic record of everything around him. Dwayne persuaded Altair to bend the bars of their cell, then ran away (crashing into something on the way out).

Feeling very pleased about his military record being wiped clean, Armageddon Uno was enjoying a cheeseburger when a drunken Cody Gage arrived. After nearly two months, Cody had finally gotten their DNA test results back from Grady. The results confirmed that not only were they brother & sister, but they were also twins.

CODY: “Your mother was Zsa Zsa Gabor…and the worst part of it is…she was MY mother too!”

The reunited siblings hugged, just like they did in utero.

General Turnenkopf led Commander Blanket into Dr. Shika’s office for an examination. Commander Blanket fell and wrecked everything.

After cleaning up the lab, Dr. Shika was visited by Jacob Fisher. Dr. Shika explained about Scoop’s condition, and asked Jacob to put Scoop to work in the barn, as far away from technology as possible. Since Jacob’s current farmhand, Armageddon Uno, had proven to be a lazy bum, Jacob gladly accepted. Jacob then consulted Shika about Edwina’s pregnancy. Jacob was considering giving the Amish a publicity boost by promoting the forthcoming Sons of God as a boy band. In response, Dr. Shika showed Jacob the ultrasound, revealing that Edwina’s babies (now quadruplets) were all girls. Jacob contemplated the religious significance of this. Then he told Shika about his proposal to Edwina and his worries about their cultural differences. Dr. Shika informed Jacob that his own wife, Caramel, was a red-skinned woman from Guano-2 who worships the three-toed god, but that they hadn’t let those differences stand in their way.

Taking his first prescribed dose of heroin, Scoop was washed over by a flood of memories.

General Turnenkopf led Commander Blanket away from any objects they could fall over. Turnenkopf told Blanket that he felt guilty about demoting him, and was prepared to restore his rank. In fact, since Turnenkopf was thinking of retiring (“because I’ve embezzled a lot of money”), Turnenkopf wanted Blanket to take his place. Suddenly, Dwayne Tomagachi rolled in, shot General Turnenkopf, and rolled out again. As Commander Blanket told the dying Turnenkopf how much he’d always admired him, Turnenkopf gave Blanket a potato containing the plans Jacob needs for the butter-churn rocket. Then the General died. Commander Blanket realized he’d not only lost a friend…he’d lost his only shot at promotion.

Armageddon Uno was sleeping in the hayloft when Jacob arrived with Scoop. Jacob informed Armageddon that he was fired and that Scoop was his replacement. Armageddon was very upset, especially when he saw Scoop taking his “medicine.” Armageddon threatened to inform the Amish about Jacob’s recent actions.

Edwina told Cody Gage the good news about Jacob’s proposal, and asked Cody to be the maid of honor. Cody congratulated Edwina, even though the news made her even more depressed about not having anyone of her own.

Left alone with General Turnenkopf’s body, Commander Blanket was struck by a sudden inspiration to carry out a ruse a la “Weekend at Bernie’s.” Blanket put the General’s body in front of the communicator and called Spaceforce. Impersonating the General, Blanket ordered a promotion for himself, along with a beach house and two Asian women. Spaceforce saw through the ruse and demoted Blanket another half-star.

Reviewing his photos, Altair-9000 suddenly remembered an important fragment of his past. He needed to find the other four Altair robots so they could form one giant robot. Unfortunately, before Altair could write this down, he forgot it again.

Cody Gage came by the Chicken Hawk to visit Armageddon Uno. They caught up on some family history, then Cody confessed that she was depressed because she hadn’t had sex in a long time. Armageddon agreed to give her some “private time” in the Chicken Hawk, confessing that he had a lot of “private time” of his own in Jacob’s hayloft. After Armageddon left, Dwayne Tomagachi sneaked in and surprised Cody before she could get down to business. Cody was puzzled by Dwayne’s Scottish accent.

CODY: “Now, I’m not very worldly…but weren’t you Japanese?”

Dwayne explained about his Scottish/Japanese parentage, and Cody replied that she was born to Zsa Zsa Gabor and raised by Scandinavians. Starstruck by Cody’s celebrity heritage, Dwayne sat down and started chatting with her.

DWAYNE: “So, what do you like to do?”
CODY: “I like to have sex. You interested?”

Dwayne was indeed interested.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 4, Episode 12: Cold Blanket

Introducing Randy Havens as General Turnenkopf.

Episode 12: Cold Blanket

Edwina Prototype was in the commissary, reading a book of recipes to her unborn babies, when Cody Gage arrived. Cody was fed up with the pressures of trying to be the station’s doctor. So, after Cody flipped a mysterious switch on Edwina’s head, Edwina conked Cody on the head with a frying pan to restore her memory of her true identity.

Having been frozen in carbonade by Dwayne Tomagachi (a.k.a. Angus McMurder), Commander Blanket was left alone with his thoughts. Blanket hoped that Jacob Fisher could save the station.

In the barn, Armageddon Uno was teaching Jacob the new sport he’d invented: Pig-fishing. When Armageddon kicked a pig in the head to put it down, a strangely different Scoop Quasar entered, attracted by the smell of blood. When Jacob & Armageddon noticed how Scoop had changed, the paranoid Scoop thought they were plotting against him and trying to steal “his” baby. Scoop said that Altair was the only friend he could trust, but acknowledged that he’d felt different ever since Altair picked him up last week.

ARMAGEDDON: “So let me get this straight. Altair ‘picked you up,’ became your ‘special friend,’ and now you’re pregnant?”

Dwayne Tomagachi and Altair-9000 celebrated their triumph. Altair linked himself to the station’s computers and would soon control the navigation, life support, etc. Their only problem was that Scoop kept reverting to his old, weak self…and they needed Scoop on their side so they could control the press.

General Turnenkopf, Commander Blanket’s superior officer, arrived at the station. Jacob informed him of all the sinister plots going on. General Turnenkopf vowed to restore order.

TURNENKOPF: “I’m willing to give my life for this station, if by ‘my life,’ you mean the lives of thousands of crew members.”

Scoop Quasar attempted to write a “Dear Jane” letter to Catherine Shamrock, but was unclear on the concept of what a “Dear Jane” letter is.

Armageddon Uno checked out all the parking tickets he’d accumulated on the Chicken Hawk, then reminisced (in song) about the adventures he’d had with his ship and his monkey on the planet of the slug-women.

Restored to her chief-engineer identity, Cody Gage was checking out the air-filtration system when Jacob Fisher & General Turnenkopf arrived. They explained about Altair’s takeover of the station, and the trio decided to fight back and sneak through the air ducts.

Inside Commander Blanket’s mind, the Meow Mix theme played endlessly.

Scoop took another stab at the “Dear Jane” letter, but Altair entered and destroyed it. Altair declared that any communication with Catherine, even to say goodbye, was a sign of weakness. Altair assured Scoop that he would soon be free of his human softness. Scoop got tangled up in Altair’s extension cord.

Dwayne Tomagachi psychically entered Commander Blanket’s mind to taunt him. Dwayne reminded Blanket about the time Blanket blew up that ship full of retarded kids.

DWAYNE: “Your intelligence identified it as an enemy warship. I wonder how that could have happened, hmm?”

Blanket realized that Dwayne had arranged the tragedy in retaliation for Blanket having imprisoned him years before. Commander Blanket swore revenge.

Taking a break from the commando raid, Jacob tried to figure out how to apologize to Edwina. Armageddon Uno entered and found himself face-to-face with General Turnenkopf. Turnenkopf remembered Armageddon’s cowardice at the Battle of Tartan-114, but offered to erase his AWOLization if he’d help them out.

Dwayne Tomagachi was gleefully doing his Steamboat Willie impression on the bridge, celebrating his impending victory.

DWAYNE: “Once we have our robot army, we’ll conquer Earth and Retardo-Montalban 1 through 5 and 7 through 11. And most of all, the planet of addictive potatoes!”

Edwina arrived with a new shipment of Yamamoto Corporation sushi. Dwayne explained that Commander Blanket had left the station to visit a sick relative, but Edwina refused to fall for his lies. Altair arrived and grabbed hold of Edwina. Edwina revealed that Cody Gage had turned on her super-strength by flipping that switch in the first scene, but Dwayne deactivated the switch.

DWAYNE: “You fell into the old trap…you gave exposition before you actually did what you were going to do!”

The song “Desperado” floated through Commander Blanket’s mind.

Scoop finally managed to write his “Dear Jane” letter.

In the air duct outside Dwayne’s Catacombs of Diabolical Nonsense, the commando team prepared to move in. Jacob led the team in prayer, then went in alone to try to reason with Dwayne & Altair. Sensing the others in the air ducts, Altair welded the duct shut so they could be undisturbed. Altair demonstrated their plans for Earth by smashing Jacob’s lantern. This infuriated Armageddon so much that he kicked through Altair’s welding job, and our heroes launched their attack. General Turnenkopf disarmed Altair by asking him “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck,” thus overloading the robot’s logic circuits. Armageddon then rolled Commander Blanket’s beehive across the room. Released, the bees attacked Dwayne while simultaneously warming their frozen keeper’s heart.

TO BE CONTINUED…