Last Week in SCANDAL!
Episode 1: Braaains
At Little Five Points Community College, Dean Richard Dickens instructed custodian Dewey McClain to clean up the graffiti that reads “Dean Dickens has a vagina.” As the Dean defensively insisted that he does NOT have a vagina, Dewey noticed the bandage on Dickens’ arm and asked what happened. The Dean explained that he was bitten by a capuchin monkey in the science lab, but said there was nothing to worry about. (“I had a dog lick it, it’ll be fine.”)
Meanwhile, Professor Walt Hancloskey was giving a chemistry lesson to overachiever Chester McClain (Dewey’s younger brother) and school mascot Herc Ampersand. After the lesson, Chester informed the Professor that he’d discovered some errors in the textbook and had corrected them. He then revealed that he’d devised a renewable energy resource for the school generators. Hancloskey agreed to go over Chester’s findings.
Running late for class, dance instructor Gerald Fender said goodbye to his wife Suzanne, resisting the powerful temptation to stay for breakfast and sweet lovin’ (as she was looking especially seductive in her fancy Snuggie). To make up for it, he told her he was going to bring some wine home for their anniversary.
After class, Chester and his girlfriend Chelsea Lightning were discussing their plans for the evening when Chester’s ex-girlfriend Samantha arrived. The already-awkward situation became even more uncomfortable when Chester noticed Samantha’s staggering gait, blank expression…and the fact that she didn’t have a pulse.
Professor Hancloskey met Dewey on the roof to ask for his assistance, explaining that some monkeys had escaped from the lab and gotten into the ventilation shafts. He asked Dewey to go into the vents and retrieve them, warning him to be careful because these weren’t just ordinary monkeys…they’re INFECTED monkeys.
Dean Dickens was driving home for lunch when he saw Chelsea walking by and offered her a ride. She was reluctant, but got in after the Dean reassured her that the allegations against him were unfounded. (“I never sold that Chinese kid to anybody!”) As they drove, the Dean ran over a small child shambling across the street. Hurriedly, the Dean backed over the body to render it unidentifiable. Chelsea was understandably horrified, but the Dean dismissed her protests when his victim got up and staggered away. Remembering her encounter with Samantha, Chelsea warned the Dean that strange things were happening. The Dean replied that the only strange thing that concerned him was the graffiti claiming he had a vagina. Chelsea admitted writing that message.
In dance class, Gerald Fender held auditions for his ballet “Flock of Geese.” Chester McClain performed an elaborate routine to showcase his vulnerability, while Herc Ampersand did a series of hip-hop moves. Gerald informed Herc that he could still be part of the show by carrying Chester’s dance shoes. (“While he’s wearing them?”)
Suzanne Fender was preparing her anniversary dinner while reading the Bible, when a zombie UPS man knocked on the door. As soon as she opened the door, more zombies swarmed in. She attempted to ward them off with her Snuggie, but was quickly overpowered.
“Forgetting” to drop off Chelsea, Dean Dickens brought her to his home and invited her to play a game of Boggle Jr. Still freaked out by the hit-and-run, Chelsea was further disturbed when she noticed the wound on the Dean’s arm. When the Dean once again dismissed her concerns, she started ranting that he never listens to anybody. He didn’t listen.
Crawling through the ventilation shafts to search for the monkey, Dewey pulled out the tool he most needed for the job: a can of PBR. Deep inside the vents, the monkey taunted Dewey, causing him to knock over his beer. Now it was REALLY on. The monkey’s chatter forced Dewey to acknowledge his drinking problem…but more importantly, their conversation had allowed Dewey to pinpoint the monkey’s position. Dewey lunged at the monkey.
In the science lab, Chester was informing Professor Hancloskey about the new biofuel he’d devised, using cellulite from the liposuction clinic. The Professor changed the subject, confessing that he’d been experimenting with some mail-order monkeys. After injecting one with a new formula, it turned purple and started saying “Gnap! Gnap!” Chester suspected there may be a connection to Samantha’s odd behavior. He put some cells he’d taken from Samantha and observed them under a microscope. He declared that the cells were dead, but regenerating.
Gerald Fender kept Herc after dance class to give him some extra assistance. Fender could see the talent hidden deep inside Herc, and he wanted to let it out by giving Herc the lead in his new Santa Claus ballet. Inspired, Herc lived up to his potential and became Dancer Claus.
Chelsea ran into the zombie Samantha, who lunged after her. Chelsea informed Samantha that she wasn’t into girls, and walked on.
Dewey crashed through the air vent and discovered that, instead of catching the monkey, he had fallen into the dance class and caught Herc. Dewey explained the situation, then suggested that they might be able to turn this outbreak to their advantage. With the big game coming up, Dewey could place a big bet while Herc throws the game. Herc was unclear how the mascot could throw a game, but agreed. Suddenly, the team’s star player Dylan shuffled by. As Dylan attacked, Dewey urged Herc to use his mascot-strength to crush Dylan’s skull.
Dean Dickens came to Professor Hancloskey’s lab for help with his monkey bite, and also to get a libido pill. Worried about the Dean’s condition, the Professor asked him for a urine sample and had him pee directly into the microscope. Examining the sample, Hancloskey confirmed that Dickens had the virus, which they named “the Monkey Boogaloo Flu.” Hancloskey instructed the Dean to quarantine himself in his office.
Chester and Chelsea met on the rooftop to discuss the impending zombie apocalypse. Chelsea suggested that they escape the carnage with a suicide pact, by boning each other to death. Chester replied that it would never work; he’s so good that it would kill her first, and he’d be left alone. She asked Chester if he loved her, and he immediately backed away. Hurt, Chelsea asked if this meant they were breaking up…and if so, she just might go off and have sex with a capuchin monkey.
Ignoring Hancloskey’s quarantine instructions, Dean Dickens drove Gerald Fender home for his anniversary dinner. Gerald entered his house and started singing a romantic song to Suzanne…who turned around, drooling blood and crying. Shocked, Gerald shouted to Herc for help. Herc immediately arrived and saw that Suzanne had become a zombie. Dean Dickens also rushed in and saw what needed to be done. Despite Gerald’s protests, the Dean bashed Suzanne over the head with his car’s steering wheel.
TO BE CONTINUED…