As promised, I'm now going to flash back to the SCANDAL! of years past, starting with Season 3. (I only started coming to Dad's Garage towards the end of Season 2, so unfortunately, there are no synopses for those storylines.)
Season 3 takes place in the Gregorio Hotel...a hotel filled with SCANDAL!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
But Wait!
The latest season of SCANDAL! may have concluded, but that is not the end of "It's SCANDAL!" In the weeks to come, I'll be going through my archive of past season's synopses and sharing them here, so we can relive those days (or experience them second-hand for the first time).
Episode 12: In Which Our Story Concludes
Episode 12: In Which Our Story Concludes
Princess Penelope wrote a letter to her father, King George III, informing him that, due to the short gestation period of her inhuman pregnancy, he was now the proud grandfather of a Chihuahua named Princess Pickles.
On the outskirts of town, in a long-forgotten prison, a long-forgotten prisoner chiseled through the wall with a spoon…only to find the hole was too small to fit through.
In the burned-out Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was giving Sir Richard DeGranville his quarterly review, which turned into a list of Gwinnett’s own failures. DeGranville tendered his resignation (again), explaining that he had found a history book from the future in Seth’s backpack, and had learned that the colonists will win the Revolution. So, he was joining the winning side. He offered Gwinnett a chance to join alongside him.
Back at the prison, the mysterious prisoner managed to enlarge the hole wide enough to escape…only to find snakes on the other side.
The Widow Cocovin was helping Seth prepare for the upcoming battle. She told him she would hate to see him die, and he replied that he’d hate it even more. However, he assured her that he would survive, thanks to his future-smarts and the Uzi he had in his backpack. He told her she had been like a mother to him…a really gross mother.
Back at the prison, the prisoner chipped a hole through a different wall, and found monkeys on the other side. He tried yet another wall, which crumbled immediately. Hearing only the chirping of birds, he decided it was safe to leave that way. He informed a magpie that he was searching for his old friend, Nigel Buttons Gwinnett. The magpie told him to go to the burned-out courthouse, and the prisoner set on his way.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was making preparations for the wedding of his horse Cacafuego to Thunderpumpkin, when Penelope arrived to inform him that she’d had their child. She wanted him to be a part of their child’s life, but he insisted that he had to be free to wander.
DeGranville and Gwinnett were still arguing when Ridickolas Nickleby stormed in and ordered Gwinnett to shut up. Nickleby and DeGranville revealed that they had robbed the treasury, and were now setting out for a new life in the Carolinas. They invited Gwinnett to join them, but Gwinnett instead ordered a lockdown of the city. He warned them that if they crossed town lines, they were dead.
The prisoner found his way to the city limits, and began a monologue speaking to the city itself. Four and a half hours later, he finally entered.
Stung by Hector’s rejection, Penelope ran to Seth’s treehouse, where she found him extremely worried about his possible death. He told her that if he died in battle, he would leave her his hoverboard. She suggested that he use the hoverboard to fly away rather than risk his life, pointing out that he was still just a boy (citing his fondness for doody jokes). Seth replied that his immaturity didn’t make him any less of a man, saying that many soldiers joke before they die. She asked him what his dying joke would be.
Nickleby came to the Clermont Tavern to collect his final paycheck. The Widow Cocovin informed him that all her money was in the bank when it was robbed. Since Nickleby was the culprit, he realized that he had already collected his money, so he left.
Hector was trying to ease Cacafuego’s pre-wedding jitters when the mysterious prisoner happened by. He introduced himself as Gwinnett’s old friend, Buford Fulton. Pleased to meet the stranger, Hector invited him to the wedding…which would be held at the burned-out courthouse, conveniently. Fulton offered Cacafuego a carrot…the only thing he had saved from his cell, and his only companion for those three long years. The carrot’s name was Lars. Hector offered to make a little carrot tuxedo and make Lars a groomsman.
DeGranville and Nickleby were on the outskirts of town, ready to cross the line and start their new life. DeGranville recalled how he once had so much hope for Little Five Ports. He also recalled the time before Gwinnett became an idiot, but before he could reveal the secret, their horses collapsed.
Seth told Penelope his ultimate joke: “99 camels walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve camels here.’ The 99 camels say ‘Quit bustin’ our humps!’” As they laughed, the Widow Cocovin entered and informed Seth that it was time to go into battle. Seth left with these words of wisdom:
“Remember, Penelope, love is a battlefield. And a battlefield is also a battlefield.”
Back at the town border, DeGranville revealed that he himself was responsible for Gwinnett’s stupidity, as he dropped him on his head when he was 2 ½ years old. Gripped by a sense of responsibility, DeGranville realized he had to go back and give Gwinnett one more chance to join them. He said that if he didn’t return in one hour, then Nickleby should go on ahead to West Carolina. (“The best of the Carolinas…let’s hope they never get rid of that one!”)
Hector and Buford Fulton went to the Governor’s office for a marriage license for the two horses. Upon seeing Gwinnett, Fulton seized him roughly…but the apparent attack turned out to be a joyful embrace on his reunion with his old friend. Fulton revealed (in flashback) the circumstances of his imprisonment. Three years ago, Fulton and Gwinnett built a safehouse in case of an emergency. As they were congratulating themselves on its solid construction, Gwinnett was distracted by the sight of a bird outside. As he rushed out to chase it, the door closed behind him, locking Fulton inside. Forgetting why he was there, Gwinnett then wandered off, wondering where he’d dropped his spoon and his carrot.
Preparing for battle, Seth addressed the troops, informing them that after this day, they would no longer be measured by their height or by the size of their penis, but by their courage. Then Seth made a poop joke, and the entire army laughed uproariously.
Princess Penelope paid a visit to the Widow Cocovin, seeking advice on raising Princess Pickles. When Cocovin pointed out that her “baby” was a dog, Penelope initially denied it, then broke down and confessed that she had never actually been pregnant. Indeed, she was still a virgin. Her “night of passion” with Hector had been a horrible failure, as Hector loved Cocovin too much to do anything. Penelope then explained that she wanted a baby so badly, she had found a rat, cleaned it up, dressed it, and named it Princess Pickles. As she lamented her virginity, Buford Fulton entered. Recognizing the look of a prisoner who had not had intercourse in years, Cocovin played matchmaker and offered Penelope and Fulton a room together.
Hearing the sounds of battle in the distance, Ridickolas Nickleby was torn between his freedom and helping his friend. Without hesitation, he rushed to the battlefield and found Seth leading the troops. Nickleby doffed his red coat and declared his allegiance to the Americas. Seth handed his Uzi to Nickleby, and they ran into battle together. In the midst of the battle, Seth was shot. Seth’s whole life flashed before his eyes…but most of it was internet porn.
Buford Fulton and Penelope emerged from the Honeymoon Suite, basking in the afterglow. He invited her to be his guest at the wedding, and she gladly accepted. Only then did she inform him that she was the daughter of the King, and had been exiled to the colonies as punishment. Kneeling at her feet, he declared “Your punishment has been my pleasure, milady.”
Hector paced nervously before the wedding. As Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin arrived, he told them how proud they were. Fulton and Penelope arrived next, and Penelope informed Hector that someone new had captured her heart. Cocovin entered, accompanied by Lars the carrot (until Thunderpumpkin ate him). DeGranville and Gwinnett arrived together, having reconciled between scenes. The joyous mood was suddenly shattered when Nickleby burst in, carrying the wounded Seth. Nickleby pleaded with Hector to use his magical Fountain water to heal Seth. Hector pulled out his bottle, but found there was only a single drop left. The droplet spilled onto DeGranville’s finger, and DeGranville then carefully placed it in Seth’s mouth. Was a single drop enough? Seth closed his eyes as his head lolled to the side…then he suddenly coughed and sat up. Everybody congratulated Seth on leading the colonists to victory. As he basked in his moment of glory, Seth suddenly found himself being pulled back to the future—now that he had set things right, he was making the leap home.
All that was left behind was Seth’s hoverboard. The assembled wedding guests, inspired by Seth’s example, decided to write upon it a message for future generations: “We the People…”
THE END
Princess Penelope wrote a letter to her father, King George III, informing him that, due to the short gestation period of her inhuman pregnancy, he was now the proud grandfather of a Chihuahua named Princess Pickles.
On the outskirts of town, in a long-forgotten prison, a long-forgotten prisoner chiseled through the wall with a spoon…only to find the hole was too small to fit through.
In the burned-out Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was giving Sir Richard DeGranville his quarterly review, which turned into a list of Gwinnett’s own failures. DeGranville tendered his resignation (again), explaining that he had found a history book from the future in Seth’s backpack, and had learned that the colonists will win the Revolution. So, he was joining the winning side. He offered Gwinnett a chance to join alongside him.
Back at the prison, the mysterious prisoner managed to enlarge the hole wide enough to escape…only to find snakes on the other side.
The Widow Cocovin was helping Seth prepare for the upcoming battle. She told him she would hate to see him die, and he replied that he’d hate it even more. However, he assured her that he would survive, thanks to his future-smarts and the Uzi he had in his backpack. He told her she had been like a mother to him…a really gross mother.
Back at the prison, the prisoner chipped a hole through a different wall, and found monkeys on the other side. He tried yet another wall, which crumbled immediately. Hearing only the chirping of birds, he decided it was safe to leave that way. He informed a magpie that he was searching for his old friend, Nigel Buttons Gwinnett. The magpie told him to go to the burned-out courthouse, and the prisoner set on his way.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was making preparations for the wedding of his horse Cacafuego to Thunderpumpkin, when Penelope arrived to inform him that she’d had their child. She wanted him to be a part of their child’s life, but he insisted that he had to be free to wander.
DeGranville and Gwinnett were still arguing when Ridickolas Nickleby stormed in and ordered Gwinnett to shut up. Nickleby and DeGranville revealed that they had robbed the treasury, and were now setting out for a new life in the Carolinas. They invited Gwinnett to join them, but Gwinnett instead ordered a lockdown of the city. He warned them that if they crossed town lines, they were dead.
The prisoner found his way to the city limits, and began a monologue speaking to the city itself. Four and a half hours later, he finally entered.
Stung by Hector’s rejection, Penelope ran to Seth’s treehouse, where she found him extremely worried about his possible death. He told her that if he died in battle, he would leave her his hoverboard. She suggested that he use the hoverboard to fly away rather than risk his life, pointing out that he was still just a boy (citing his fondness for doody jokes). Seth replied that his immaturity didn’t make him any less of a man, saying that many soldiers joke before they die. She asked him what his dying joke would be.
Nickleby came to the Clermont Tavern to collect his final paycheck. The Widow Cocovin informed him that all her money was in the bank when it was robbed. Since Nickleby was the culprit, he realized that he had already collected his money, so he left.
Hector was trying to ease Cacafuego’s pre-wedding jitters when the mysterious prisoner happened by. He introduced himself as Gwinnett’s old friend, Buford Fulton. Pleased to meet the stranger, Hector invited him to the wedding…which would be held at the burned-out courthouse, conveniently. Fulton offered Cacafuego a carrot…the only thing he had saved from his cell, and his only companion for those three long years. The carrot’s name was Lars. Hector offered to make a little carrot tuxedo and make Lars a groomsman.
DeGranville and Nickleby were on the outskirts of town, ready to cross the line and start their new life. DeGranville recalled how he once had so much hope for Little Five Ports. He also recalled the time before Gwinnett became an idiot, but before he could reveal the secret, their horses collapsed.
Seth told Penelope his ultimate joke: “99 camels walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve camels here.’ The 99 camels say ‘Quit bustin’ our humps!’” As they laughed, the Widow Cocovin entered and informed Seth that it was time to go into battle. Seth left with these words of wisdom:
“Remember, Penelope, love is a battlefield. And a battlefield is also a battlefield.”
Back at the town border, DeGranville revealed that he himself was responsible for Gwinnett’s stupidity, as he dropped him on his head when he was 2 ½ years old. Gripped by a sense of responsibility, DeGranville realized he had to go back and give Gwinnett one more chance to join them. He said that if he didn’t return in one hour, then Nickleby should go on ahead to West Carolina. (“The best of the Carolinas…let’s hope they never get rid of that one!”)
Hector and Buford Fulton went to the Governor’s office for a marriage license for the two horses. Upon seeing Gwinnett, Fulton seized him roughly…but the apparent attack turned out to be a joyful embrace on his reunion with his old friend. Fulton revealed (in flashback) the circumstances of his imprisonment. Three years ago, Fulton and Gwinnett built a safehouse in case of an emergency. As they were congratulating themselves on its solid construction, Gwinnett was distracted by the sight of a bird outside. As he rushed out to chase it, the door closed behind him, locking Fulton inside. Forgetting why he was there, Gwinnett then wandered off, wondering where he’d dropped his spoon and his carrot.
Preparing for battle, Seth addressed the troops, informing them that after this day, they would no longer be measured by their height or by the size of their penis, but by their courage. Then Seth made a poop joke, and the entire army laughed uproariously.
Princess Penelope paid a visit to the Widow Cocovin, seeking advice on raising Princess Pickles. When Cocovin pointed out that her “baby” was a dog, Penelope initially denied it, then broke down and confessed that she had never actually been pregnant. Indeed, she was still a virgin. Her “night of passion” with Hector had been a horrible failure, as Hector loved Cocovin too much to do anything. Penelope then explained that she wanted a baby so badly, she had found a rat, cleaned it up, dressed it, and named it Princess Pickles. As she lamented her virginity, Buford Fulton entered. Recognizing the look of a prisoner who had not had intercourse in years, Cocovin played matchmaker and offered Penelope and Fulton a room together.
Hearing the sounds of battle in the distance, Ridickolas Nickleby was torn between his freedom and helping his friend. Without hesitation, he rushed to the battlefield and found Seth leading the troops. Nickleby doffed his red coat and declared his allegiance to the Americas. Seth handed his Uzi to Nickleby, and they ran into battle together. In the midst of the battle, Seth was shot. Seth’s whole life flashed before his eyes…but most of it was internet porn.
Buford Fulton and Penelope emerged from the Honeymoon Suite, basking in the afterglow. He invited her to be his guest at the wedding, and she gladly accepted. Only then did she inform him that she was the daughter of the King, and had been exiled to the colonies as punishment. Kneeling at her feet, he declared “Your punishment has been my pleasure, milady.”
Hector paced nervously before the wedding. As Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin arrived, he told them how proud they were. Fulton and Penelope arrived next, and Penelope informed Hector that someone new had captured her heart. Cocovin entered, accompanied by Lars the carrot (until Thunderpumpkin ate him). DeGranville and Gwinnett arrived together, having reconciled between scenes. The joyous mood was suddenly shattered when Nickleby burst in, carrying the wounded Seth. Nickleby pleaded with Hector to use his magical Fountain water to heal Seth. Hector pulled out his bottle, but found there was only a single drop left. The droplet spilled onto DeGranville’s finger, and DeGranville then carefully placed it in Seth’s mouth. Was a single drop enough? Seth closed his eyes as his head lolled to the side…then he suddenly coughed and sat up. Everybody congratulated Seth on leading the colonists to victory. As he basked in his moment of glory, Seth suddenly found himself being pulled back to the future—now that he had set things right, he was making the leap home.
All that was left behind was Seth’s hoverboard. The assembled wedding guests, inspired by Seth’s example, decided to write upon it a message for future generations: “We the People…”
THE END
Friday, May 16, 2008
Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored
Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored
In the remains of the Governor’s office, Gov. Gwinnett was going over the disappointing election results—a three-way tie with one vote each for Gwinnett, Seth, and Mickey Mouse. Gwinnett thought that he might increase his popularity by performing a spectacular stunt, like jumping over two horses or encasing himself in ice. DeGranville suggested that they put Gwinnett in the stocks and have the people make suggestions to him.
DEGRANVILLE: “You know what the stocks are?”
GWINNETT: “It’s soup, right?”
Ridickolas Nickleby, disguised with a long beard, eyepatch, cloak, and shepherd’s crook, stopped by the Clermont Tavern, begging for alms for a war veteran. The Widow Cocovin, fooled by his outfit, decided that his combat experience could be valuable, and invited him to join the Revolution.
Having been impregnated by Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, Princess Penelope was planning a baby shower with Seth and Sir Charles Norris (who suggested gathering a wagonful of infants and dump them off a rooftop, creating a shower of babies). Seth suggested a bachelorette party, making a lewd pantomime which Norris interpreted as tickling a pistol. Norris expressed his disappointment that the Princess had disgraced the crown by giving up her maidenhead to a Spaniard. She reminded Norris that she was still royalty, and that he should mind his place.
In the empty stable, Hector contemplated (in song) his impending fatherhood. His faithful steed Cacafuego came running. Sensing Cacafuego’s heartbreak, Hector swore to reunite Cacafuego with his true love Thunderpumpkin (the horse of the late Arnedict Barnold).
The disguised Nickleby (calling himself “Jimmy”) was preparing a giant bowl of soup for Gov. Gwinnett’s spectacular feat. They began brainstorming ideas for other stunts, until Gwinnett finally saw through Nickleby’s disguise. Nickleby hit Gwinnett in the gut with his shepherd’s crook, then ran off.
Cocovin stopped by DeGranville’s lair to boast that she had organized an army to take on the British forces. DeGranville revealed that he had known of her plans all along, but had let her proceed because he respected her as a worthy opponent. He then revealed that Gwinnett’s idiocy had convinced him that Britain was unworthy of his loyalty. DeGranville was no longer on England’s side…he was now on DeGranville’s side. Whether that’s the same as the colonist’s side was another matter.
While searching for male prostitutes for her bachelorette party, Penelope asked Seth to be her baby’s godfather. He replied that he couldn’t handle such responsibility, but that he would be proud to be “Uncle Seth.” He offered to use his knowledge of the future to invent new games and rides for her child.
Hector, searching for Thunderpumpkin, ran into Sir Charles Norris. Knowing Norris’ reputation as the world’s greatest tracker, Hector asked for his help in finding the horse. Norris immediately went behind the building and returned with Thunderpumpkin. He then gave Hector one second to tell him why he shouldn’t snap the horse’s neck. One second later, Hector replied “True love.” Norris spared Thunderpumpkin, but demanded a favor in return…he wanted Hector to tickle his pistol. As Hector did so, Penelope walked by and was shocked by the sight. She was so enraged, she began speaking in a Spanish accent. Hector revealed that his Spanish DNA had gotten into her..and furthermore, his immortal seed would produce an inhuman baby.
Collecting taxes, DeGranville met a “stranger” calling himself Ludacris Jefferson. Seeing through Nickleby’s disguise, DeGranville asked why he had not escaped, noting that Gwinnett will surely kill him if he finds him. Nickleby assured him that he could handle Gwinnett, explaining how he had escaped by striking Gwinnett in the stomach. Horrified, DeGranville revealed that a blow to the solar plexus is the one thing that can restore Gwinnett’s sanity. For 24 hours, the Governor will be rational, and more dangerous than ever. With his life in danger and nothing waiting for him back home (as his wife “Mitzi”—whom Nickleby confessed was actually “Michael”—had left him), Nickleby decided to rob the treasury and form a new life in another colony with DeGranville. They only had to get past the treasury’s guard, Sir Charles Norris. Luckily, Nickleby knew Norris’ one weakness.
Penelope explained to the now-sane Gwinnett that she was pregnant with a monster child. Gwinnett calmly and reasonably suggested that she throw herself down a flight of stairs. (“Apparently, your being sane just means that you’re an asshole,” she replied.) The fetus loudly threatened Gwinnett from the womb.
Seth entered the Clermont Tavern and found Cocovin going over the battle plans. Seth revealed that he had drawn up the plans himself, pointing out the doodles of Mario and Luigi. Impressed by his plans, Cocovin invited him to help join the Revolution. Seth was amazed and flattered…he had been a nobody in his own time, but now he had a chance to be a hero.
Sir Charles Norris was guarding the bank when his grandson, Sir Richard DeGranville, came in to withdraw all the treasury’s funds. As all the accounts were in DeGranville’s name anyway, this was actually a legitimate transaction…but Norris insisted that DeGranville had to maintain the minimum balance. Just then, Nickleby (disguised as a clown) arrived with a mouse…Norris’ one weakness. The terrified Norris jumped up on the desk, but soon regained his composure. Norris warned them that he could kill them in 18 different ways, then demonstrated his skills by chopping off the lower left legs of both Nickleby and DeGranville, switching them around. DeGranville pointed out that his left leg was fake to begin with, so he was unharmed. He then demonstrated the new lethal skill he had learned from the Choctaw, by striking a powerful blow to Norris’ chest. He explained to his grandfather that the injury would kill him after he takes five steps. Norris and DeGranville took four steps together to say their goodbyes (while Nickleby retrieved his leg and reattached it). Norris asked his grandson to name his future child Charles Norris, and continue the line of Charles Norrises for generations to come. A light shone down on them, and Norris saw God. (“After the life you’ve led?” “True, but if Heaven didn’t take Sir Charles Norris, Hell couldn’t handle the ass-kicking he would bring.”) They took the last step together, and Sir Charles Norris collapsed into his grandson’s arms. Unfortunately, the touching tableau was spoiled when Norris’ body slid down until his face was against DeGranville’s groin.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the remains of the Governor’s office, Gov. Gwinnett was going over the disappointing election results—a three-way tie with one vote each for Gwinnett, Seth, and Mickey Mouse. Gwinnett thought that he might increase his popularity by performing a spectacular stunt, like jumping over two horses or encasing himself in ice. DeGranville suggested that they put Gwinnett in the stocks and have the people make suggestions to him.
DEGRANVILLE: “You know what the stocks are?”
GWINNETT: “It’s soup, right?”
Ridickolas Nickleby, disguised with a long beard, eyepatch, cloak, and shepherd’s crook, stopped by the Clermont Tavern, begging for alms for a war veteran. The Widow Cocovin, fooled by his outfit, decided that his combat experience could be valuable, and invited him to join the Revolution.
Having been impregnated by Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, Princess Penelope was planning a baby shower with Seth and Sir Charles Norris (who suggested gathering a wagonful of infants and dump them off a rooftop, creating a shower of babies). Seth suggested a bachelorette party, making a lewd pantomime which Norris interpreted as tickling a pistol. Norris expressed his disappointment that the Princess had disgraced the crown by giving up her maidenhead to a Spaniard. She reminded Norris that she was still royalty, and that he should mind his place.
In the empty stable, Hector contemplated (in song) his impending fatherhood. His faithful steed Cacafuego came running. Sensing Cacafuego’s heartbreak, Hector swore to reunite Cacafuego with his true love Thunderpumpkin (the horse of the late Arnedict Barnold).
The disguised Nickleby (calling himself “Jimmy”) was preparing a giant bowl of soup for Gov. Gwinnett’s spectacular feat. They began brainstorming ideas for other stunts, until Gwinnett finally saw through Nickleby’s disguise. Nickleby hit Gwinnett in the gut with his shepherd’s crook, then ran off.
Cocovin stopped by DeGranville’s lair to boast that she had organized an army to take on the British forces. DeGranville revealed that he had known of her plans all along, but had let her proceed because he respected her as a worthy opponent. He then revealed that Gwinnett’s idiocy had convinced him that Britain was unworthy of his loyalty. DeGranville was no longer on England’s side…he was now on DeGranville’s side. Whether that’s the same as the colonist’s side was another matter.
While searching for male prostitutes for her bachelorette party, Penelope asked Seth to be her baby’s godfather. He replied that he couldn’t handle such responsibility, but that he would be proud to be “Uncle Seth.” He offered to use his knowledge of the future to invent new games and rides for her child.
Hector, searching for Thunderpumpkin, ran into Sir Charles Norris. Knowing Norris’ reputation as the world’s greatest tracker, Hector asked for his help in finding the horse. Norris immediately went behind the building and returned with Thunderpumpkin. He then gave Hector one second to tell him why he shouldn’t snap the horse’s neck. One second later, Hector replied “True love.” Norris spared Thunderpumpkin, but demanded a favor in return…he wanted Hector to tickle his pistol. As Hector did so, Penelope walked by and was shocked by the sight. She was so enraged, she began speaking in a Spanish accent. Hector revealed that his Spanish DNA had gotten into her..and furthermore, his immortal seed would produce an inhuman baby.
Collecting taxes, DeGranville met a “stranger” calling himself Ludacris Jefferson. Seeing through Nickleby’s disguise, DeGranville asked why he had not escaped, noting that Gwinnett will surely kill him if he finds him. Nickleby assured him that he could handle Gwinnett, explaining how he had escaped by striking Gwinnett in the stomach. Horrified, DeGranville revealed that a blow to the solar plexus is the one thing that can restore Gwinnett’s sanity. For 24 hours, the Governor will be rational, and more dangerous than ever. With his life in danger and nothing waiting for him back home (as his wife “Mitzi”—whom Nickleby confessed was actually “Michael”—had left him), Nickleby decided to rob the treasury and form a new life in another colony with DeGranville. They only had to get past the treasury’s guard, Sir Charles Norris. Luckily, Nickleby knew Norris’ one weakness.
Penelope explained to the now-sane Gwinnett that she was pregnant with a monster child. Gwinnett calmly and reasonably suggested that she throw herself down a flight of stairs. (“Apparently, your being sane just means that you’re an asshole,” she replied.) The fetus loudly threatened Gwinnett from the womb.
Seth entered the Clermont Tavern and found Cocovin going over the battle plans. Seth revealed that he had drawn up the plans himself, pointing out the doodles of Mario and Luigi. Impressed by his plans, Cocovin invited him to help join the Revolution. Seth was amazed and flattered…he had been a nobody in his own time, but now he had a chance to be a hero.
Sir Charles Norris was guarding the bank when his grandson, Sir Richard DeGranville, came in to withdraw all the treasury’s funds. As all the accounts were in DeGranville’s name anyway, this was actually a legitimate transaction…but Norris insisted that DeGranville had to maintain the minimum balance. Just then, Nickleby (disguised as a clown) arrived with a mouse…Norris’ one weakness. The terrified Norris jumped up on the desk, but soon regained his composure. Norris warned them that he could kill them in 18 different ways, then demonstrated his skills by chopping off the lower left legs of both Nickleby and DeGranville, switching them around. DeGranville pointed out that his left leg was fake to begin with, so he was unharmed. He then demonstrated the new lethal skill he had learned from the Choctaw, by striking a powerful blow to Norris’ chest. He explained to his grandfather that the injury would kill him after he takes five steps. Norris and DeGranville took four steps together to say their goodbyes (while Nickleby retrieved his leg and reattached it). Norris asked his grandson to name his future child Charles Norris, and continue the line of Charles Norrises for generations to come. A light shone down on them, and Norris saw God. (“After the life you’ve led?” “True, but if Heaven didn’t take Sir Charles Norris, Hell couldn’t handle the ass-kicking he would bring.”) They took the last step together, and Sir Charles Norris collapsed into his grandson’s arms. Unfortunately, the touching tableau was spoiled when Norris’ body slid down until his face was against DeGranville’s groin.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Episode 10: In Which Everybody Dies
Episode 10: In Which Everybody Dies
Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were discussing plans for the Governor’s upcoming campaign fundraiser. DeGranville pointed out that it was an appointed office, not an elected one, so there’s no need for a campaign. Nonetheless, Gwinnett decided to hold it at Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium. And he was going to dress in style, with his new boots that just arrived from Italy. Gwinnett opened the package to reveal a pair of high-heeled shoes.
At the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin and her immortal ancestor Hector “Macho” Gazpacho were discussing their relationship; Hector feared that God would punish them for their inadvertent incest, but Cocovin believed that God would forgive them because they were unaware of their relationship. They recalled the places they unleashed their passion: In a tree, in a cave, on top of the sleeping Richard DeGranville…
Seth was out practicing his dance moves at the cemetery when Sir Richard DeGranville came by on his nightly stroll. Seth showed him how to do the robot, and DeGranville wound up accidentally chopping Seth in the throat. DeGranville apologized for his lethal reflexes, explaining that he was responsible for most of the people buried there.
Trying on his new “boots,” Gwinnett immediately fell over. As he tried to stand up, Hector came in for confession. Hector explained that, as there was no Catholic priest in Little Five Ports, he was appealing to Gwinnett as the closest authority figure. However, just as he was about to begin his confession, a real priest arrived…Father Manuel Genobles, the priest from Hector’s original conquistador expedition. Father Genobles had also drunk from the Fountain of Youth, and had finally caught up with Hector.
The Widow Cocovin was trying to get rid of the Tavern’s urine smell before the big fundraiser. Finding Hector’s bottle of Fountain water, she tried using it to clean up, and wound up splashing some on herself. She reverted to childhood just as Hector returned and realized what had happened. Hopped-up on youthful energy, Cocovin wanted to go out riding, and set out to find Cacafuego.
Sir Richard DeGranville and Seth were giving a tour of the town to Father Manuel Genobles, who explained that he had taken on the burden of immortality in order to track down and kill the other immortal. (“Like Highlander! There can be only one!” Seth exclaimed.) Father Genobles confirmed that drinking from the Fountain of Youth brings a compulsion to kill other immortals.
At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gov. Gwinnett was looking over his campaign poster when Cocovin came in, still looking for something to ride. (As an unintentional side-effect of the Fountain water, she had grown a beard.) She climbed aboard Gwinnett’s back and rode him.
Joining Hector in his search for Cocovin, Seth asked Hector about the fountain’s murderous side-effect. Hector confessed that he had killed all the other conquistadors in his expedition…all 200 of them, one at a time, in fair fights. Spaniards do have a sense of honor, after all. Unnoticed by either of them, Father Genobles snuck up behind Hector and tried to garrote him with a rosary. When he couldn’t get it over Hector’s helmet, Genobles instead bonked him on the head with a goblet.
At the Tavern, Sir Richard DeGranville sniffed out the spilled Fountain water and licked it off the floor. His leg immediately healed, and he stood up straight and proud.
At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gwinnett was exhausted by Cocovin’s “ride.” Noticing his beautiful high heels, Cocovin took them right off his feet and ran away.
After recuperating, Gwinnett made his way to the Clermont Tavern to reclaim his shoes. He was surprised to see that Cocovin’s beard had fallen out, and she revealed that that side-effect had faded and been replaced by another: The compulsion to sing. She slipped some Fountain water in his drink, and he joined her in song.
Flashback to 323 years earlier: Shortly after arriving in the new world, Hector, Father Genobles, and Conquistador Steve found the Fountain of Youth. Steve drank from it and immediately began dancing. Father Genobles immediately declared the Fountain to be evil, but Hector believed it a gift from God. (“God doesn’t give gifts, He punishes!” Genobles retorted.) Hector drank as well, and was instantly compelled to stab Steve. Father Genobles forgave him.
Out in the street, Seth was surprised to see the rejuvenated Sir Richard DeGranville, young, strong, unscarred…and gay. Not just gay, but Freddie Mercury gay. DeGranville informed the creeped-out Seth that he was searching for Hector.
Father Genobles was kneeling in prayer when the Widow Cocovin walked by. Seeing the priest, she got on her knees to pray with him. She confessed her many sins, and he realized that she had drunk from the Fountain. (“You shall never progress in age and ascend to Heaven!”) Now that the two immortals were in close proximity, the need to kill arose in both of them. After a brief struggle, in which Father Genobles’ mustache fell off, they came to their senses and tried to make peace. While Cocovin’s guard was down, Genobles forced his mustache down her throat and choked her to death. He then forgave himself.
The freaked-out Seth ran into the Governor’s office and informed him that DeGranville had gone crazy. DeGranville entered, and sensed that Gwinnett was now also an immortal. DeGranville informed the Governor that he was going to kill him…not because of the Fountain’s curse, but because Gwinnett’s an idiot. With that, DeGranville stabbed Gwinnett in the stomach, then kissed him goodbye.
In the woods, Hector found his steed Cacafuego, and informed him that the curse of the immortals was starting all over again…even now, Hector was barely able to resist the urge to kill. Cacafuego, on the other hand, could not resist, and began trampling his master. Hector defended himself by hurling his helmet as his formerly-faithful horse, killing him instantly. Hector tearfully swore to end the curse once and for all.
Now even more freaked out, Seth ran to Father Genobles for spiritual help. Genobles suggested that Seth stand and face his fear, and possibly use the strange device he carries (the hoverboard) as a weapon to defend himself. Just then, DeGranville arrived. A brief battle ensued, ending when DeGranville tore out the priest’s throat.
Returning to town, Hector found the ultimately freaked-out Seth. DeGranville entered, carrying flowers for Hector’s grave. Hector urged him to fight the compulsion and break the curse of the water, but DeGranville was unable to resist the call of the quickening. Seeing no other way to end the cycle, Hector gave himself up and offered his throat to DeGranville. Just as DeGranville was about to strike, Seth sent his hoverboard flying, decapitating DeGranville. Hector, the last immortal left, pleaded with Seth to kill him and end the curse…even now, he could feel the gayness creeping upon him. Seth reluctantly complied, beheading Hector. Seth fell to his knees, screaming in anguish…
Seth regained consciousness in Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium, having been knocked unconscious by Gov. Gwinnett’s campaign sign. He looked up and saw everybody gathered around him, including DeGranville, who was once again scarred, lame, and definitely NOT gay. Relieved that it had all been a dream, Seth led everybody in a happy dance.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were discussing plans for the Governor’s upcoming campaign fundraiser. DeGranville pointed out that it was an appointed office, not an elected one, so there’s no need for a campaign. Nonetheless, Gwinnett decided to hold it at Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium. And he was going to dress in style, with his new boots that just arrived from Italy. Gwinnett opened the package to reveal a pair of high-heeled shoes.
At the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin and her immortal ancestor Hector “Macho” Gazpacho were discussing their relationship; Hector feared that God would punish them for their inadvertent incest, but Cocovin believed that God would forgive them because they were unaware of their relationship. They recalled the places they unleashed their passion: In a tree, in a cave, on top of the sleeping Richard DeGranville…
Seth was out practicing his dance moves at the cemetery when Sir Richard DeGranville came by on his nightly stroll. Seth showed him how to do the robot, and DeGranville wound up accidentally chopping Seth in the throat. DeGranville apologized for his lethal reflexes, explaining that he was responsible for most of the people buried there.
Trying on his new “boots,” Gwinnett immediately fell over. As he tried to stand up, Hector came in for confession. Hector explained that, as there was no Catholic priest in Little Five Ports, he was appealing to Gwinnett as the closest authority figure. However, just as he was about to begin his confession, a real priest arrived…Father Manuel Genobles, the priest from Hector’s original conquistador expedition. Father Genobles had also drunk from the Fountain of Youth, and had finally caught up with Hector.
The Widow Cocovin was trying to get rid of the Tavern’s urine smell before the big fundraiser. Finding Hector’s bottle of Fountain water, she tried using it to clean up, and wound up splashing some on herself. She reverted to childhood just as Hector returned and realized what had happened. Hopped-up on youthful energy, Cocovin wanted to go out riding, and set out to find Cacafuego.
Sir Richard DeGranville and Seth were giving a tour of the town to Father Manuel Genobles, who explained that he had taken on the burden of immortality in order to track down and kill the other immortal. (“Like Highlander! There can be only one!” Seth exclaimed.) Father Genobles confirmed that drinking from the Fountain of Youth brings a compulsion to kill other immortals.
At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gov. Gwinnett was looking over his campaign poster when Cocovin came in, still looking for something to ride. (As an unintentional side-effect of the Fountain water, she had grown a beard.) She climbed aboard Gwinnett’s back and rode him.
Joining Hector in his search for Cocovin, Seth asked Hector about the fountain’s murderous side-effect. Hector confessed that he had killed all the other conquistadors in his expedition…all 200 of them, one at a time, in fair fights. Spaniards do have a sense of honor, after all. Unnoticed by either of them, Father Genobles snuck up behind Hector and tried to garrote him with a rosary. When he couldn’t get it over Hector’s helmet, Genobles instead bonked him on the head with a goblet.
At the Tavern, Sir Richard DeGranville sniffed out the spilled Fountain water and licked it off the floor. His leg immediately healed, and he stood up straight and proud.
At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gwinnett was exhausted by Cocovin’s “ride.” Noticing his beautiful high heels, Cocovin took them right off his feet and ran away.
After recuperating, Gwinnett made his way to the Clermont Tavern to reclaim his shoes. He was surprised to see that Cocovin’s beard had fallen out, and she revealed that that side-effect had faded and been replaced by another: The compulsion to sing. She slipped some Fountain water in his drink, and he joined her in song.
Flashback to 323 years earlier: Shortly after arriving in the new world, Hector, Father Genobles, and Conquistador Steve found the Fountain of Youth. Steve drank from it and immediately began dancing. Father Genobles immediately declared the Fountain to be evil, but Hector believed it a gift from God. (“God doesn’t give gifts, He punishes!” Genobles retorted.) Hector drank as well, and was instantly compelled to stab Steve. Father Genobles forgave him.
Out in the street, Seth was surprised to see the rejuvenated Sir Richard DeGranville, young, strong, unscarred…and gay. Not just gay, but Freddie Mercury gay. DeGranville informed the creeped-out Seth that he was searching for Hector.
Father Genobles was kneeling in prayer when the Widow Cocovin walked by. Seeing the priest, she got on her knees to pray with him. She confessed her many sins, and he realized that she had drunk from the Fountain. (“You shall never progress in age and ascend to Heaven!”) Now that the two immortals were in close proximity, the need to kill arose in both of them. After a brief struggle, in which Father Genobles’ mustache fell off, they came to their senses and tried to make peace. While Cocovin’s guard was down, Genobles forced his mustache down her throat and choked her to death. He then forgave himself.
The freaked-out Seth ran into the Governor’s office and informed him that DeGranville had gone crazy. DeGranville entered, and sensed that Gwinnett was now also an immortal. DeGranville informed the Governor that he was going to kill him…not because of the Fountain’s curse, but because Gwinnett’s an idiot. With that, DeGranville stabbed Gwinnett in the stomach, then kissed him goodbye.
In the woods, Hector found his steed Cacafuego, and informed him that the curse of the immortals was starting all over again…even now, Hector was barely able to resist the urge to kill. Cacafuego, on the other hand, could not resist, and began trampling his master. Hector defended himself by hurling his helmet as his formerly-faithful horse, killing him instantly. Hector tearfully swore to end the curse once and for all.
Now even more freaked out, Seth ran to Father Genobles for spiritual help. Genobles suggested that Seth stand and face his fear, and possibly use the strange device he carries (the hoverboard) as a weapon to defend himself. Just then, DeGranville arrived. A brief battle ensued, ending when DeGranville tore out the priest’s throat.
Returning to town, Hector found the ultimately freaked-out Seth. DeGranville entered, carrying flowers for Hector’s grave. Hector urged him to fight the compulsion and break the curse of the water, but DeGranville was unable to resist the call of the quickening. Seeing no other way to end the cycle, Hector gave himself up and offered his throat to DeGranville. Just as DeGranville was about to strike, Seth sent his hoverboard flying, decapitating DeGranville. Hector, the last immortal left, pleaded with Seth to kill him and end the curse…even now, he could feel the gayness creeping upon him. Seth reluctantly complied, beheading Hector. Seth fell to his knees, screaming in anguish…
Seth regained consciousness in Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium, having been knocked unconscious by Gov. Gwinnett’s campaign sign. He looked up and saw everybody gathered around him, including DeGranville, who was once again scarred, lame, and definitely NOT gay. Relieved that it had all been a dream, Seth led everybody in a happy dance.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair
Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair
In the burned-out ruins of the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was sleeping on his desk (the only thing left standing) when Sir Richard DeGranville arrived. DeGranville, freed from his position as Gwinnett’s assistant, thanked the governor for making his life so miserable, because he was now enjoying his freedom so much more by contrast.
In the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was looking over the stolen British battle plans when the legendary British agent Sir Charles Norris (“The Foxhound”) burst out of the ground (having tunneled his way from England) and ordered some boiled meat. He explained that he had been sent by King George III to recover the stolen plans and to find the spy who had taken them. (“There is a mole in our midst, and I’m here to whack that mole!”) He informed Cocovin that he knew what had happened to her husband. She angrily threw the boiled meat at his face, and he caught it in his mouth.
Ridickolas Nickleby went to Princess Penelope and confessed to burning down the Governor’s mansion during the great ruckus. He feared that his punishment would be worsened…perhaps his rope would be shortened so that he’d no longer have the run of the town. Penelope proposed an escape plan, in which she would create a diversion by starting a fistfight with a piece of meat, while he slips free from his rope and attaches it to somebody else.
Seth and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho boarded the docked casino boat for some recreation; Seth worried about being carded, seeing as how he was –300 years old. Luckily, they got in with no problem. Hector showed Seth how to play pinochle, which consists of throwing a nut to a monkey and making a wish. Seth was torn between two wishes—either to get back home in time for his dying mother’s birthday, or for 24 elephants to fall from the sky.
Sir Charles Norris arrived at the wreckage of the Governor’s office to find Gwinnett asleep on the desk. Disgusted, he woke up the Governor by kicking him in the head. Norris informed Gwinnett that he had been sent for two reasons: to find the mole, and to rescue a British POW who was missing in action. Gwinnett told Norris that Nickleby isn’t missing, he just works at the Clermont Tavern.
Penelope was wandering the streets searching for meat when an elephant fell from the sky. She invited the elephant to join her in a game; she explained that she would beat him up, then her friend would put his tether around the elephant’s foot. When the elephant asked what he would get out of this arrangement, she offered to finger his trunk. The elephant agreed.
Sir Richard DeGranville was strolling through town as elephants continued to fall from the sky. He found Seth crying over having wasted his wish. DeGranville explained that the casino boat was a ghost ship, and would return in a year so that Seth could make another wish. Seth cried that his mother would be dead by then, but DeGranville pointed out that, since time travel was involved, Seth could simply wish to go back at any point to have enough time with her.
Sir Charles Norris found Nickleby’s tether in the street, and began following it. Unfortunately, he was following it in the wrong direction.
The Widow Cocovin returned to the Tavern and found Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, who now wanted to treat her as the great-great-etc.-granddaughter he never knew he had. He sat her on his knee and told her (in song) the bedtime story of Buddy the Raccoon and His Forest Pals.
Sir Charles Norris finally tracked the rope back to its source, scaling the side of a building up to the roof where it was attached to a post. On the rooftop, he found Sir Richard DeGranville. They recalled their bitter past, when DeGranville was evicted from the Assassins’ Guild for killing one of their own, and Norris refused to defend him. DeGranville revealed that, since leaving the Guild, he had learned some new tricks from the Choctaw. Norris pleaded with him to reveal his secrets…and pleading is something that Sir Charles Norris NEVER does!
The elephant having abandoned her, Princess Penelope was searching for something to beat up when the Widow Cocovin walked by, angry about an insulting letter that Penelope had sent her. As the engaged in some pre-catfight banter, Nickleby stealthily slipped his shackle on Cocovin. Once it was in place, Penelope sucker-punched Cocovin and ran.
Hector and Seth returned to the dock, 24 elephants in tow, trying to summon the ghost ship again. Soon, the boat reappeared, helmed by Ghost Pirate Captain Casino. Captain Casino offered Seth a chance to win one more wish with a game of pinochle. The scene went into slow-motion as Seth threw the peanut.
Sir Charles Norris was forcibly keeping Gov. Gwinnett awake by holding his eyelids open. He informed Gwinnett that he had narrowed the list of suspects down to seven people, so he was just going to kill them all. When Gwinnett said that seemed a little extreme, Norris countered that he could not fail in his mission, because failure was his only fear. Gwinnett responded by listing all of his fears, which boiled down to a list of long, cylindrical objects. Considering what this meant, Norris asked Gwinnett whether or not he was, in fact, a woman.
Ridickolas Nickleby was enjoying his newfound freedom when he ran into Sir Richard DeGranville. They discussed Nickleby’s future as a free man. DeGranville offered to give Nickleby a parcel of land so that he could enjoy the power of being a landowner, but warned him that one man stood in their way…Sir Charles Norris. DeGranville revealed that Norris was the man who gave him his facial scar. When Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville had previously said he got the scar from playing with his grandfather’s sword, DeGranville made another revelation…Sir Charles Norris IS his grandfather.
Princess Penelope visited Hector’s quarters with one purpose in mind: She wanted to be impregnated. Hector’s Spanish sense of romance would not let him “just get it over with,” so he explained (in a rap) how he would make love to her (a process involving a Great Dane and a hot fudge sundae). She eagerly agreed.
The tethered Cocovin returned to the Clermont Tavern, where Gwinnett was drinking while Norris was crying over his fear of failure. Upon her entrance, Norris stopped crying and reasserted his manhood by punching her in the face and setting her on fire. Gwinnett was unimpressed, so Norris put on further displays of machismo, concluding by punching the bottom of his glass. Much to his surprise, it actually broke.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In the burned-out ruins of the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was sleeping on his desk (the only thing left standing) when Sir Richard DeGranville arrived. DeGranville, freed from his position as Gwinnett’s assistant, thanked the governor for making his life so miserable, because he was now enjoying his freedom so much more by contrast.
In the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was looking over the stolen British battle plans when the legendary British agent Sir Charles Norris (“The Foxhound”) burst out of the ground (having tunneled his way from England) and ordered some boiled meat. He explained that he had been sent by King George III to recover the stolen plans and to find the spy who had taken them. (“There is a mole in our midst, and I’m here to whack that mole!”) He informed Cocovin that he knew what had happened to her husband. She angrily threw the boiled meat at his face, and he caught it in his mouth.
Ridickolas Nickleby went to Princess Penelope and confessed to burning down the Governor’s mansion during the great ruckus. He feared that his punishment would be worsened…perhaps his rope would be shortened so that he’d no longer have the run of the town. Penelope proposed an escape plan, in which she would create a diversion by starting a fistfight with a piece of meat, while he slips free from his rope and attaches it to somebody else.
Seth and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho boarded the docked casino boat for some recreation; Seth worried about being carded, seeing as how he was –300 years old. Luckily, they got in with no problem. Hector showed Seth how to play pinochle, which consists of throwing a nut to a monkey and making a wish. Seth was torn between two wishes—either to get back home in time for his dying mother’s birthday, or for 24 elephants to fall from the sky.
Sir Charles Norris arrived at the wreckage of the Governor’s office to find Gwinnett asleep on the desk. Disgusted, he woke up the Governor by kicking him in the head. Norris informed Gwinnett that he had been sent for two reasons: to find the mole, and to rescue a British POW who was missing in action. Gwinnett told Norris that Nickleby isn’t missing, he just works at the Clermont Tavern.
Penelope was wandering the streets searching for meat when an elephant fell from the sky. She invited the elephant to join her in a game; she explained that she would beat him up, then her friend would put his tether around the elephant’s foot. When the elephant asked what he would get out of this arrangement, she offered to finger his trunk. The elephant agreed.
Sir Richard DeGranville was strolling through town as elephants continued to fall from the sky. He found Seth crying over having wasted his wish. DeGranville explained that the casino boat was a ghost ship, and would return in a year so that Seth could make another wish. Seth cried that his mother would be dead by then, but DeGranville pointed out that, since time travel was involved, Seth could simply wish to go back at any point to have enough time with her.
Sir Charles Norris found Nickleby’s tether in the street, and began following it. Unfortunately, he was following it in the wrong direction.
The Widow Cocovin returned to the Tavern and found Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, who now wanted to treat her as the great-great-etc.-granddaughter he never knew he had. He sat her on his knee and told her (in song) the bedtime story of Buddy the Raccoon and His Forest Pals.
Sir Charles Norris finally tracked the rope back to its source, scaling the side of a building up to the roof where it was attached to a post. On the rooftop, he found Sir Richard DeGranville. They recalled their bitter past, when DeGranville was evicted from the Assassins’ Guild for killing one of their own, and Norris refused to defend him. DeGranville revealed that, since leaving the Guild, he had learned some new tricks from the Choctaw. Norris pleaded with him to reveal his secrets…and pleading is something that Sir Charles Norris NEVER does!
The elephant having abandoned her, Princess Penelope was searching for something to beat up when the Widow Cocovin walked by, angry about an insulting letter that Penelope had sent her. As the engaged in some pre-catfight banter, Nickleby stealthily slipped his shackle on Cocovin. Once it was in place, Penelope sucker-punched Cocovin and ran.
Hector and Seth returned to the dock, 24 elephants in tow, trying to summon the ghost ship again. Soon, the boat reappeared, helmed by Ghost Pirate Captain Casino. Captain Casino offered Seth a chance to win one more wish with a game of pinochle. The scene went into slow-motion as Seth threw the peanut.
Sir Charles Norris was forcibly keeping Gov. Gwinnett awake by holding his eyelids open. He informed Gwinnett that he had narrowed the list of suspects down to seven people, so he was just going to kill them all. When Gwinnett said that seemed a little extreme, Norris countered that he could not fail in his mission, because failure was his only fear. Gwinnett responded by listing all of his fears, which boiled down to a list of long, cylindrical objects. Considering what this meant, Norris asked Gwinnett whether or not he was, in fact, a woman.
Ridickolas Nickleby was enjoying his newfound freedom when he ran into Sir Richard DeGranville. They discussed Nickleby’s future as a free man. DeGranville offered to give Nickleby a parcel of land so that he could enjoy the power of being a landowner, but warned him that one man stood in their way…Sir Charles Norris. DeGranville revealed that Norris was the man who gave him his facial scar. When Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville had previously said he got the scar from playing with his grandfather’s sword, DeGranville made another revelation…Sir Charles Norris IS his grandfather.
Princess Penelope visited Hector’s quarters with one purpose in mind: She wanted to be impregnated. Hector’s Spanish sense of romance would not let him “just get it over with,” so he explained (in a rap) how he would make love to her (a process involving a Great Dane and a hot fudge sundae). She eagerly agreed.
The tethered Cocovin returned to the Clermont Tavern, where Gwinnett was drinking while Norris was crying over his fear of failure. Upon her entrance, Norris stopped crying and reasserted his manhood by punching her in the face and setting her on fire. Gwinnett was unimpressed, so Norris put on further displays of machismo, concluding by punching the bottom of his glass. Much to his surprise, it actually broke.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Episode 8: In Which a Ruckus Is Raised and a Building Is Razed
Episode 8: In Which a Ruckus Is Raised and a Building Is Razed
As Sir Richard DeGranville had resigned last week, Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett met his new temp assistant, Essex Gallard. Newly arrived from England, Essex was enchanted by the beauty and open spaces of the colonies. Sensing a kindred spirit, Gwinnett suggested a number of activities they could do together, like throwing rocks at a hornets’ nest or staring at the sun. They finally decided to go tip over cows, calling it “Operation Condor.”
Arnedict Barnold was surprised to find the Widow Cocovin at the Clermont Tavern. She explained that, during the time of her “disappearance,” she had infiltrated a group of British troops disguised as a scullery maid, and had stolen their plans to attack the Continental Army. Barnold assured her he would pass the plans on to General Washington…after he has her executed for witchcraft. He gloated that he had accused her because she knew too much about the British army’s weak points, but offered to spare her if she simply accepted that the Revolution cannot be won. Finally realizing that Barnold’s a traitor, Cocovin threw a bowl of hot soup at him and fled.
While playing horseshoes with Seth, Ridickolas Nickleby asked what sort of games they played in Seth’s time. Seth attempted to describe videogames by asking Nickleby to picture the adventures in his head. Closing his eyes, Nickleby recounted his dream of a mustachioed Italian gentleman rescuing a princess. Seth re-enacted Nickleby’s imaginary adventure, eventually turning it into a sexually explicit pantomime. Seth apologized, explaining that the Internet had warped his brain. Nickleby offered to use leeches to remove the bad thoughts, but Seth kind of liked having them there. After some more conversation, they decided to continue the fun by raising a ruckus.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was strolling by the harbor when Penelope rode by on Hector’s horse Cacafuego. Through Penelope, Cacafuego informed Hector that they had become too dependent on one another, and that they needed their own space. Hector wondered aloud who he could turn to; as if on cue, the Widow Cocovin arrived. Hector loudly shouted “Witch! Witch!” She threw a bowl of hot soup at him.
Essex Gallard was skulking through a pasture, searching for cows to tip over, when Ridickolas Nickleby came sneaking by, searching for cowshit to place in bags and set afire. Delighted to meet a fellow Englishman, Nickleby invited Gallard to join him in the ruckus. As they collected cowshit together, they found some mushrooms growing in the field. After eating the mushrooms, Nickleby finally understood what a videogame was.
Cocovin fled to the Governor’s office, pleading for protection because she’d been accused of witchcraft. When Gwinnett called her a witch as well, she insisted that it wasn’t true…it was just because the entire town had gone crazy from her mushroom soup. She soon realized that Gwinnett had eaten the mushrooms as well. Taking advantage of his drug-addled state, she managed to convince him that she was the Governor and that he was her assistant. As Governor, she issued an Order of Protection for the Widow Cocovin, granting her immunity from accusations of witchcraft.
Seth stopped by the Clermont Tavern and explained “Operation Ruckus” to Arnedict Barnold, who enthusiastically agreed to join. In return for his help, Barnold asked a small favor…he wanted to see this 21st-century “cellular telephone” of Seth’s. Since it didn’t work in this time anyway, Seth handed it over.
Hector regained consciousness and found himself lying on top of Penelope; seeing them in this compromising position, Cacafuego once again ran off. Penelope offered to help Hector make his relationships work, since she knows all about the heart and he knows all about the loins. Hector confessed that he had had a passionate encounter with Cocovin, only to discover that she was his direct descendant. Upon this discovery, his loins had retracted, turtle-like…and yet he still wanted her.
Atop the stone mountain, Arnedict Barnold theorized that the Fountain-of-Youth water he had saved (from the time Hector had used it to heal Barnold’s leg) might likewise be able to “heal” Seth’s strange cellular device. After placing a drop on the cell phone, Barnold managed to contact one of Seth’s 21st-century friends and asked to be brought home. Unfortunately, it was just an answering machine.
Gov. Gwinnett came to, found the decree proclaiming Cocovin’s innocence, and concluded that he must have issued it. Cacafuego galloped into the Governor’s office, and Gwinnett soon realized that the horse had split from his master. Gwinnett asked if Cacafuego would be his friend, and they rode off together.
A shellshocked Arnedict Barnold staggered into the Clermont Tavern. He tearfully informed Cocovin that he had been taken to the future and had seen that the Revolution could not be stopped. Racked with guilt over his betrayal of Washington, and appalled by the horrors that the future held, he told Cocovin that it was up to her to lead the new country onto a better path. With that, he slit his own throat. Cocovin pleaded with him not to die, and to hold on until she could fetch Hector and his healing water.
Hector and Penelope were having a picnic at Lover’s point when Cocovin ran up, begging Hector to save Barnold. Penelope angrily lashed out at Cocovin for breaking up their encounter with such a ridiculous story. Just then, Seth and Nickleby ran by and set fire to a bag of poop. Predictably, Hector stomped out the flames.
Essex Gallard was alone in the Governor’s office when Seth and Nickleby deposited a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep. Essex screamed and ran around in panic, but was too stupid to even think of stomping out the fire.
Gwinnett was out riding Cacafuego when they encountered a unicorn, which presented itself to Cacafuego. After a brief romantic encounter, they continued on their adventure until Nickleby threw a bag of poop at the Governor.
Cocovin brought Hector to the Tavern, only to discover that Barnold had vanished, leaving only a trail of blood. Thinking that she had lured him there to resume their relationship, Hector finally confessed (in song) that he was her ancestor. Attempting to form a more appropriate familial bond, he asked to bounce her on his knee. Nickleby came in and lit a bag of poop.
The Governor’s office, surrounded by flaming bags of poop, was now a raging inferno, as Essex Gallard continued to run around in panic. Arriving to find his mansion in flames, Gov. Gwinnett furiously castigated Gallard for his incompetence. Gwinnett’s clothes caught fire, and he stripped down to his underwear while continuing to argue with Gallard in the midst of the conflagration. Eventually, they both realized that it would be a better idea to resume the discussion OUTSIDE the burning building.
TO BE CONTINUED…
As Sir Richard DeGranville had resigned last week, Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett met his new temp assistant, Essex Gallard. Newly arrived from England, Essex was enchanted by the beauty and open spaces of the colonies. Sensing a kindred spirit, Gwinnett suggested a number of activities they could do together, like throwing rocks at a hornets’ nest or staring at the sun. They finally decided to go tip over cows, calling it “Operation Condor.”
Arnedict Barnold was surprised to find the Widow Cocovin at the Clermont Tavern. She explained that, during the time of her “disappearance,” she had infiltrated a group of British troops disguised as a scullery maid, and had stolen their plans to attack the Continental Army. Barnold assured her he would pass the plans on to General Washington…after he has her executed for witchcraft. He gloated that he had accused her because she knew too much about the British army’s weak points, but offered to spare her if she simply accepted that the Revolution cannot be won. Finally realizing that Barnold’s a traitor, Cocovin threw a bowl of hot soup at him and fled.
While playing horseshoes with Seth, Ridickolas Nickleby asked what sort of games they played in Seth’s time. Seth attempted to describe videogames by asking Nickleby to picture the adventures in his head. Closing his eyes, Nickleby recounted his dream of a mustachioed Italian gentleman rescuing a princess. Seth re-enacted Nickleby’s imaginary adventure, eventually turning it into a sexually explicit pantomime. Seth apologized, explaining that the Internet had warped his brain. Nickleby offered to use leeches to remove the bad thoughts, but Seth kind of liked having them there. After some more conversation, they decided to continue the fun by raising a ruckus.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was strolling by the harbor when Penelope rode by on Hector’s horse Cacafuego. Through Penelope, Cacafuego informed Hector that they had become too dependent on one another, and that they needed their own space. Hector wondered aloud who he could turn to; as if on cue, the Widow Cocovin arrived. Hector loudly shouted “Witch! Witch!” She threw a bowl of hot soup at him.
Essex Gallard was skulking through a pasture, searching for cows to tip over, when Ridickolas Nickleby came sneaking by, searching for cowshit to place in bags and set afire. Delighted to meet a fellow Englishman, Nickleby invited Gallard to join him in the ruckus. As they collected cowshit together, they found some mushrooms growing in the field. After eating the mushrooms, Nickleby finally understood what a videogame was.
Cocovin fled to the Governor’s office, pleading for protection because she’d been accused of witchcraft. When Gwinnett called her a witch as well, she insisted that it wasn’t true…it was just because the entire town had gone crazy from her mushroom soup. She soon realized that Gwinnett had eaten the mushrooms as well. Taking advantage of his drug-addled state, she managed to convince him that she was the Governor and that he was her assistant. As Governor, she issued an Order of Protection for the Widow Cocovin, granting her immunity from accusations of witchcraft.
Seth stopped by the Clermont Tavern and explained “Operation Ruckus” to Arnedict Barnold, who enthusiastically agreed to join. In return for his help, Barnold asked a small favor…he wanted to see this 21st-century “cellular telephone” of Seth’s. Since it didn’t work in this time anyway, Seth handed it over.
Hector regained consciousness and found himself lying on top of Penelope; seeing them in this compromising position, Cacafuego once again ran off. Penelope offered to help Hector make his relationships work, since she knows all about the heart and he knows all about the loins. Hector confessed that he had had a passionate encounter with Cocovin, only to discover that she was his direct descendant. Upon this discovery, his loins had retracted, turtle-like…and yet he still wanted her.
Atop the stone mountain, Arnedict Barnold theorized that the Fountain-of-Youth water he had saved (from the time Hector had used it to heal Barnold’s leg) might likewise be able to “heal” Seth’s strange cellular device. After placing a drop on the cell phone, Barnold managed to contact one of Seth’s 21st-century friends and asked to be brought home. Unfortunately, it was just an answering machine.
Gov. Gwinnett came to, found the decree proclaiming Cocovin’s innocence, and concluded that he must have issued it. Cacafuego galloped into the Governor’s office, and Gwinnett soon realized that the horse had split from his master. Gwinnett asked if Cacafuego would be his friend, and they rode off together.
A shellshocked Arnedict Barnold staggered into the Clermont Tavern. He tearfully informed Cocovin that he had been taken to the future and had seen that the Revolution could not be stopped. Racked with guilt over his betrayal of Washington, and appalled by the horrors that the future held, he told Cocovin that it was up to her to lead the new country onto a better path. With that, he slit his own throat. Cocovin pleaded with him not to die, and to hold on until she could fetch Hector and his healing water.
Hector and Penelope were having a picnic at Lover’s point when Cocovin ran up, begging Hector to save Barnold. Penelope angrily lashed out at Cocovin for breaking up their encounter with such a ridiculous story. Just then, Seth and Nickleby ran by and set fire to a bag of poop. Predictably, Hector stomped out the flames.
Essex Gallard was alone in the Governor’s office when Seth and Nickleby deposited a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep. Essex screamed and ran around in panic, but was too stupid to even think of stomping out the fire.
Gwinnett was out riding Cacafuego when they encountered a unicorn, which presented itself to Cacafuego. After a brief romantic encounter, they continued on their adventure until Nickleby threw a bag of poop at the Governor.
Cocovin brought Hector to the Tavern, only to discover that Barnold had vanished, leaving only a trail of blood. Thinking that she had lured him there to resume their relationship, Hector finally confessed (in song) that he was her ancestor. Attempting to form a more appropriate familial bond, he asked to bounce her on his knee. Nickleby came in and lit a bag of poop.
The Governor’s office, surrounded by flaming bags of poop, was now a raging inferno, as Essex Gallard continued to run around in panic. Arriving to find his mansion in flames, Gov. Gwinnett furiously castigated Gallard for his incompetence. Gwinnett’s clothes caught fire, and he stripped down to his underwear while continuing to argue with Gallard in the midst of the conflagration. Eventually, they both realized that it would be a better idea to resume the discussion OUTSIDE the burning building.
TO BE CONTINUED…
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