Episode 9: In Which Seth Is Portrayed by Guest Star Chris Blair
In the burned-out ruins of the Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was sleeping on his desk (the only thing left standing) when Sir Richard DeGranville arrived. DeGranville, freed from his position as Gwinnett’s assistant, thanked the governor for making his life so miserable, because he was now enjoying his freedom so much more by contrast.
In the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin was looking over the stolen British battle plans when the legendary British agent Sir Charles Norris (“The Foxhound”) burst out of the ground (having tunneled his way from England) and ordered some boiled meat. He explained that he had been sent by King George III to recover the stolen plans and to find the spy who had taken them. (“There is a mole in our midst, and I’m here to whack that mole!”) He informed Cocovin that he knew what had happened to her husband. She angrily threw the boiled meat at his face, and he caught it in his mouth.
Ridickolas Nickleby went to Princess Penelope and confessed to burning down the Governor’s mansion during the great ruckus. He feared that his punishment would be worsened…perhaps his rope would be shortened so that he’d no longer have the run of the town. Penelope proposed an escape plan, in which she would create a diversion by starting a fistfight with a piece of meat, while he slips free from his rope and attaches it to somebody else.
Seth and Hector “Macho” Gazpacho boarded the docked casino boat for some recreation; Seth worried about being carded, seeing as how he was –300 years old. Luckily, they got in with no problem. Hector showed Seth how to play pinochle, which consists of throwing a nut to a monkey and making a wish. Seth was torn between two wishes—either to get back home in time for his dying mother’s birthday, or for 24 elephants to fall from the sky.
Sir Charles Norris arrived at the wreckage of the Governor’s office to find Gwinnett asleep on the desk. Disgusted, he woke up the Governor by kicking him in the head. Norris informed Gwinnett that he had been sent for two reasons: to find the mole, and to rescue a British POW who was missing in action. Gwinnett told Norris that Nickleby isn’t missing, he just works at the Clermont Tavern.
Penelope was wandering the streets searching for meat when an elephant fell from the sky. She invited the elephant to join her in a game; she explained that she would beat him up, then her friend would put his tether around the elephant’s foot. When the elephant asked what he would get out of this arrangement, she offered to finger his trunk. The elephant agreed.
Sir Richard DeGranville was strolling through town as elephants continued to fall from the sky. He found Seth crying over having wasted his wish. DeGranville explained that the casino boat was a ghost ship, and would return in a year so that Seth could make another wish. Seth cried that his mother would be dead by then, but DeGranville pointed out that, since time travel was involved, Seth could simply wish to go back at any point to have enough time with her.
Sir Charles Norris found Nickleby’s tether in the street, and began following it. Unfortunately, he was following it in the wrong direction.
The Widow Cocovin returned to the Tavern and found Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, who now wanted to treat her as the great-great-etc.-granddaughter he never knew he had. He sat her on his knee and told her (in song) the bedtime story of Buddy the Raccoon and His Forest Pals.
Sir Charles Norris finally tracked the rope back to its source, scaling the side of a building up to the roof where it was attached to a post. On the rooftop, he found Sir Richard DeGranville. They recalled their bitter past, when DeGranville was evicted from the Assassins’ Guild for killing one of their own, and Norris refused to defend him. DeGranville revealed that, since leaving the Guild, he had learned some new tricks from the Choctaw. Norris pleaded with him to reveal his secrets…and pleading is something that Sir Charles Norris NEVER does!
The elephant having abandoned her, Princess Penelope was searching for something to beat up when the Widow Cocovin walked by, angry about an insulting letter that Penelope had sent her. As the engaged in some pre-catfight banter, Nickleby stealthily slipped his shackle on Cocovin. Once it was in place, Penelope sucker-punched Cocovin and ran.
Hector and Seth returned to the dock, 24 elephants in tow, trying to summon the ghost ship again. Soon, the boat reappeared, helmed by Ghost Pirate Captain Casino. Captain Casino offered Seth a chance to win one more wish with a game of pinochle. The scene went into slow-motion as Seth threw the peanut.
Sir Charles Norris was forcibly keeping Gov. Gwinnett awake by holding his eyelids open. He informed Gwinnett that he had narrowed the list of suspects down to seven people, so he was just going to kill them all. When Gwinnett said that seemed a little extreme, Norris countered that he could not fail in his mission, because failure was his only fear. Gwinnett responded by listing all of his fears, which boiled down to a list of long, cylindrical objects. Considering what this meant, Norris asked Gwinnett whether or not he was, in fact, a woman.
Ridickolas Nickleby was enjoying his newfound freedom when he ran into Sir Richard DeGranville. They discussed Nickleby’s future as a free man. DeGranville offered to give Nickleby a parcel of land so that he could enjoy the power of being a landowner, but warned him that one man stood in their way…Sir Charles Norris. DeGranville revealed that Norris was the man who gave him his facial scar. When Nickleby pointed out that DeGranville had previously said he got the scar from playing with his grandfather’s sword, DeGranville made another revelation…Sir Charles Norris IS his grandfather.
Princess Penelope visited Hector’s quarters with one purpose in mind: She wanted to be impregnated. Hector’s Spanish sense of romance would not let him “just get it over with,” so he explained (in a rap) how he would make love to her (a process involving a Great Dane and a hot fudge sundae). She eagerly agreed.
The tethered Cocovin returned to the Clermont Tavern, where Gwinnett was drinking while Norris was crying over his fear of failure. Upon her entrance, Norris stopped crying and reasserted his manhood by punching her in the face and setting her on fire. Gwinnett was unimpressed, so Norris put on further displays of machismo, concluding by punching the bottom of his glass. Much to his surprise, it actually broke.
TO BE CONTINUED…