Episode 10: In Which Everybody Dies
Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett and Sir Richard DeGranville were discussing plans for the Governor’s upcoming campaign fundraiser. DeGranville pointed out that it was an appointed office, not an elected one, so there’s no need for a campaign. Nonetheless, Gwinnett decided to hold it at Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium. And he was going to dress in style, with his new boots that just arrived from Italy. Gwinnett opened the package to reveal a pair of high-heeled shoes.
At the Clermont Tavern, the Widow Cocovin and her immortal ancestor Hector “Macho” Gazpacho were discussing their relationship; Hector feared that God would punish them for their inadvertent incest, but Cocovin believed that God would forgive them because they were unaware of their relationship. They recalled the places they unleashed their passion: In a tree, in a cave, on top of the sleeping Richard DeGranville…
Seth was out practicing his dance moves at the cemetery when Sir Richard DeGranville came by on his nightly stroll. Seth showed him how to do the robot, and DeGranville wound up accidentally chopping Seth in the throat. DeGranville apologized for his lethal reflexes, explaining that he was responsible for most of the people buried there.
Trying on his new “boots,” Gwinnett immediately fell over. As he tried to stand up, Hector came in for confession. Hector explained that, as there was no Catholic priest in Little Five Ports, he was appealing to Gwinnett as the closest authority figure. However, just as he was about to begin his confession, a real priest arrived…Father Manuel Genobles, the priest from Hector’s original conquistador expedition. Father Genobles had also drunk from the Fountain of Youth, and had finally caught up with Hector.
The Widow Cocovin was trying to get rid of the Tavern’s urine smell before the big fundraiser. Finding Hector’s bottle of Fountain water, she tried using it to clean up, and wound up splashing some on herself. She reverted to childhood just as Hector returned and realized what had happened. Hopped-up on youthful energy, Cocovin wanted to go out riding, and set out to find Cacafuego.
Sir Richard DeGranville and Seth were giving a tour of the town to Father Manuel Genobles, who explained that he had taken on the burden of immortality in order to track down and kill the other immortal. (“Like Highlander! There can be only one!” Seth exclaimed.) Father Genobles confirmed that drinking from the Fountain of Youth brings a compulsion to kill other immortals.
At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gov. Gwinnett was looking over his campaign poster when Cocovin came in, still looking for something to ride. (As an unintentional side-effect of the Fountain water, she had grown a beard.) She climbed aboard Gwinnett’s back and rode him.
Joining Hector in his search for Cocovin, Seth asked Hector about the fountain’s murderous side-effect. Hector confessed that he had killed all the other conquistadors in his expedition…all 200 of them, one at a time, in fair fights. Spaniards do have a sense of honor, after all. Unnoticed by either of them, Father Genobles snuck up behind Hector and tried to garrote him with a rosary. When he couldn’t get it over Hector’s helmet, Genobles instead bonked him on the head with a goblet.
At the Tavern, Sir Richard DeGranville sniffed out the spilled Fountain water and licked it off the floor. His leg immediately healed, and he stood up straight and proud.
At Sir Charles’ Cheese, Gwinnett was exhausted by Cocovin’s “ride.” Noticing his beautiful high heels, Cocovin took them right off his feet and ran away.
After recuperating, Gwinnett made his way to the Clermont Tavern to reclaim his shoes. He was surprised to see that Cocovin’s beard had fallen out, and she revealed that that side-effect had faded and been replaced by another: The compulsion to sing. She slipped some Fountain water in his drink, and he joined her in song.
Flashback to 323 years earlier: Shortly after arriving in the new world, Hector, Father Genobles, and Conquistador Steve found the Fountain of Youth. Steve drank from it and immediately began dancing. Father Genobles immediately declared the Fountain to be evil, but Hector believed it a gift from God. (“God doesn’t give gifts, He punishes!” Genobles retorted.) Hector drank as well, and was instantly compelled to stab Steve. Father Genobles forgave him.
Out in the street, Seth was surprised to see the rejuvenated Sir Richard DeGranville, young, strong, unscarred…and gay. Not just gay, but Freddie Mercury gay. DeGranville informed the creeped-out Seth that he was searching for Hector.
Father Genobles was kneeling in prayer when the Widow Cocovin walked by. Seeing the priest, she got on her knees to pray with him. She confessed her many sins, and he realized that she had drunk from the Fountain. (“You shall never progress in age and ascend to Heaven!”) Now that the two immortals were in close proximity, the need to kill arose in both of them. After a brief struggle, in which Father Genobles’ mustache fell off, they came to their senses and tried to make peace. While Cocovin’s guard was down, Genobles forced his mustache down her throat and choked her to death. He then forgave himself.
The freaked-out Seth ran into the Governor’s office and informed him that DeGranville had gone crazy. DeGranville entered, and sensed that Gwinnett was now also an immortal. DeGranville informed the Governor that he was going to kill him…not because of the Fountain’s curse, but because Gwinnett’s an idiot. With that, DeGranville stabbed Gwinnett in the stomach, then kissed him goodbye.
In the woods, Hector found his steed Cacafuego, and informed him that the curse of the immortals was starting all over again…even now, Hector was barely able to resist the urge to kill. Cacafuego, on the other hand, could not resist, and began trampling his master. Hector defended himself by hurling his helmet as his formerly-faithful horse, killing him instantly. Hector tearfully swore to end the curse once and for all.
Now even more freaked out, Seth ran to Father Genobles for spiritual help. Genobles suggested that Seth stand and face his fear, and possibly use the strange device he carries (the hoverboard) as a weapon to defend himself. Just then, DeGranville arrived. A brief battle ensued, ending when DeGranville tore out the priest’s throat.
Returning to town, Hector found the ultimately freaked-out Seth. DeGranville entered, carrying flowers for Hector’s grave. Hector urged him to fight the compulsion and break the curse of the water, but DeGranville was unable to resist the call of the quickening. Seeing no other way to end the cycle, Hector gave himself up and offered his throat to DeGranville. Just as DeGranville was about to strike, Seth sent his hoverboard flying, decapitating DeGranville. Hector, the last immortal left, pleaded with Seth to kill him and end the curse…even now, he could feel the gayness creeping upon him. Seth reluctantly complied, beheading Hector. Seth fell to his knees, screaming in anguish…
Seth regained consciousness in Sir Charles’ Cheese Emporium, having been knocked unconscious by Gov. Gwinnett’s campaign sign. He looked up and saw everybody gathered around him, including DeGranville, who was once again scarred, lame, and definitely NOT gay. Relieved that it had all been a dream, Seth led everybody in a happy dance.
TO BE CONTINUED…