Episode 12: In Which Our Story Concludes
Princess Penelope wrote a letter to her father, King George III, informing him that, due to the short gestation period of her inhuman pregnancy, he was now the proud grandfather of a Chihuahua named Princess Pickles.
On the outskirts of town, in a long-forgotten prison, a long-forgotten prisoner chiseled through the wall with a spoon…only to find the hole was too small to fit through.
In the burned-out Governor’s office, Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was giving Sir Richard DeGranville his quarterly review, which turned into a list of Gwinnett’s own failures. DeGranville tendered his resignation (again), explaining that he had found a history book from the future in Seth’s backpack, and had learned that the colonists will win the Revolution. So, he was joining the winning side. He offered Gwinnett a chance to join alongside him.
Back at the prison, the mysterious prisoner managed to enlarge the hole wide enough to escape…only to find snakes on the other side.
The Widow Cocovin was helping Seth prepare for the upcoming battle. She told him she would hate to see him die, and he replied that he’d hate it even more. However, he assured her that he would survive, thanks to his future-smarts and the Uzi he had in his backpack. He told her she had been like a mother to him…a really gross mother.
Back at the prison, the prisoner chipped a hole through a different wall, and found monkeys on the other side. He tried yet another wall, which crumbled immediately. Hearing only the chirping of birds, he decided it was safe to leave that way. He informed a magpie that he was searching for his old friend, Nigel Buttons Gwinnett. The magpie told him to go to the burned-out courthouse, and the prisoner set on his way.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was making preparations for the wedding of his horse Cacafuego to Thunderpumpkin, when Penelope arrived to inform him that she’d had their child. She wanted him to be a part of their child’s life, but he insisted that he had to be free to wander.
DeGranville and Gwinnett were still arguing when Ridickolas Nickleby stormed in and ordered Gwinnett to shut up. Nickleby and DeGranville revealed that they had robbed the treasury, and were now setting out for a new life in the Carolinas. They invited Gwinnett to join them, but Gwinnett instead ordered a lockdown of the city. He warned them that if they crossed town lines, they were dead.
The prisoner found his way to the city limits, and began a monologue speaking to the city itself. Four and a half hours later, he finally entered.
Stung by Hector’s rejection, Penelope ran to Seth’s treehouse, where she found him extremely worried about his possible death. He told her that if he died in battle, he would leave her his hoverboard. She suggested that he use the hoverboard to fly away rather than risk his life, pointing out that he was still just a boy (citing his fondness for doody jokes). Seth replied that his immaturity didn’t make him any less of a man, saying that many soldiers joke before they die. She asked him what his dying joke would be.
Nickleby came to the Clermont Tavern to collect his final paycheck. The Widow Cocovin informed him that all her money was in the bank when it was robbed. Since Nickleby was the culprit, he realized that he had already collected his money, so he left.
Hector was trying to ease Cacafuego’s pre-wedding jitters when the mysterious prisoner happened by. He introduced himself as Gwinnett’s old friend, Buford Fulton. Pleased to meet the stranger, Hector invited him to the wedding…which would be held at the burned-out courthouse, conveniently. Fulton offered Cacafuego a carrot…the only thing he had saved from his cell, and his only companion for those three long years. The carrot’s name was Lars. Hector offered to make a little carrot tuxedo and make Lars a groomsman.
DeGranville and Nickleby were on the outskirts of town, ready to cross the line and start their new life. DeGranville recalled how he once had so much hope for Little Five Ports. He also recalled the time before Gwinnett became an idiot, but before he could reveal the secret, their horses collapsed.
Seth told Penelope his ultimate joke: “99 camels walk into a bar. The bartender says ‘We don’t serve camels here.’ The 99 camels say ‘Quit bustin’ our humps!’” As they laughed, the Widow Cocovin entered and informed Seth that it was time to go into battle. Seth left with these words of wisdom:
“Remember, Penelope, love is a battlefield. And a battlefield is also a battlefield.”
Back at the town border, DeGranville revealed that he himself was responsible for Gwinnett’s stupidity, as he dropped him on his head when he was 2 ½ years old. Gripped by a sense of responsibility, DeGranville realized he had to go back and give Gwinnett one more chance to join them. He said that if he didn’t return in one hour, then Nickleby should go on ahead to West Carolina. (“The best of the Carolinas…let’s hope they never get rid of that one!”)
Hector and Buford Fulton went to the Governor’s office for a marriage license for the two horses. Upon seeing Gwinnett, Fulton seized him roughly…but the apparent attack turned out to be a joyful embrace on his reunion with his old friend. Fulton revealed (in flashback) the circumstances of his imprisonment. Three years ago, Fulton and Gwinnett built a safehouse in case of an emergency. As they were congratulating themselves on its solid construction, Gwinnett was distracted by the sight of a bird outside. As he rushed out to chase it, the door closed behind him, locking Fulton inside. Forgetting why he was there, Gwinnett then wandered off, wondering where he’d dropped his spoon and his carrot.
Preparing for battle, Seth addressed the troops, informing them that after this day, they would no longer be measured by their height or by the size of their penis, but by their courage. Then Seth made a poop joke, and the entire army laughed uproariously.
Princess Penelope paid a visit to the Widow Cocovin, seeking advice on raising Princess Pickles. When Cocovin pointed out that her “baby” was a dog, Penelope initially denied it, then broke down and confessed that she had never actually been pregnant. Indeed, she was still a virgin. Her “night of passion” with Hector had been a horrible failure, as Hector loved Cocovin too much to do anything. Penelope then explained that she wanted a baby so badly, she had found a rat, cleaned it up, dressed it, and named it Princess Pickles. As she lamented her virginity, Buford Fulton entered. Recognizing the look of a prisoner who had not had intercourse in years, Cocovin played matchmaker and offered Penelope and Fulton a room together.
Hearing the sounds of battle in the distance, Ridickolas Nickleby was torn between his freedom and helping his friend. Without hesitation, he rushed to the battlefield and found Seth leading the troops. Nickleby doffed his red coat and declared his allegiance to the Americas. Seth handed his Uzi to Nickleby, and they ran into battle together. In the midst of the battle, Seth was shot. Seth’s whole life flashed before his eyes…but most of it was internet porn.
Buford Fulton and Penelope emerged from the Honeymoon Suite, basking in the afterglow. He invited her to be his guest at the wedding, and she gladly accepted. Only then did she inform him that she was the daughter of the King, and had been exiled to the colonies as punishment. Kneeling at her feet, he declared “Your punishment has been my pleasure, milady.”
Hector paced nervously before the wedding. As Cacafuego and Thunderpumpkin arrived, he told them how proud they were. Fulton and Penelope arrived next, and Penelope informed Hector that someone new had captured her heart. Cocovin entered, accompanied by Lars the carrot (until Thunderpumpkin ate him). DeGranville and Gwinnett arrived together, having reconciled between scenes. The joyous mood was suddenly shattered when Nickleby burst in, carrying the wounded Seth. Nickleby pleaded with Hector to use his magical Fountain water to heal Seth. Hector pulled out his bottle, but found there was only a single drop left. The droplet spilled onto DeGranville’s finger, and DeGranville then carefully placed it in Seth’s mouth. Was a single drop enough? Seth closed his eyes as his head lolled to the side…then he suddenly coughed and sat up. Everybody congratulated Seth on leading the colonists to victory. As he basked in his moment of glory, Seth suddenly found himself being pulled back to the future—now that he had set things right, he was making the leap home.
All that was left behind was Seth’s hoverboard. The assembled wedding guests, inspired by Seth’s example, decided to write upon it a message for future generations: “We the People…”