Episode 11: In Which Sanity Is Restored
In the remains of the Governor’s office, Gov. Gwinnett was going over the disappointing election results—a three-way tie with one vote each for Gwinnett, Seth, and Mickey Mouse. Gwinnett thought that he might increase his popularity by performing a spectacular stunt, like jumping over two horses or encasing himself in ice. DeGranville suggested that they put Gwinnett in the stocks and have the people make suggestions to him.
DEGRANVILLE: “You know what the stocks are?”
GWINNETT: “It’s soup, right?”
Ridickolas Nickleby, disguised with a long beard, eyepatch, cloak, and shepherd’s crook, stopped by the Clermont Tavern, begging for alms for a war veteran. The Widow Cocovin, fooled by his outfit, decided that his combat experience could be valuable, and invited him to join the Revolution.
Having been impregnated by Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, Princess Penelope was planning a baby shower with Seth and Sir Charles Norris (who suggested gathering a wagonful of infants and dump them off a rooftop, creating a shower of babies). Seth suggested a bachelorette party, making a lewd pantomime which Norris interpreted as tickling a pistol. Norris expressed his disappointment that the Princess had disgraced the crown by giving up her maidenhead to a Spaniard. She reminded Norris that she was still royalty, and that he should mind his place.
In the empty stable, Hector contemplated (in song) his impending fatherhood. His faithful steed Cacafuego came running. Sensing Cacafuego’s heartbreak, Hector swore to reunite Cacafuego with his true love Thunderpumpkin (the horse of the late Arnedict Barnold).
The disguised Nickleby (calling himself “Jimmy”) was preparing a giant bowl of soup for Gov. Gwinnett’s spectacular feat. They began brainstorming ideas for other stunts, until Gwinnett finally saw through Nickleby’s disguise. Nickleby hit Gwinnett in the gut with his shepherd’s crook, then ran off.
Cocovin stopped by DeGranville’s lair to boast that she had organized an army to take on the British forces. DeGranville revealed that he had known of her plans all along, but had let her proceed because he respected her as a worthy opponent. He then revealed that Gwinnett’s idiocy had convinced him that Britain was unworthy of his loyalty. DeGranville was no longer on England’s side…he was now on DeGranville’s side. Whether that’s the same as the colonist’s side was another matter.
While searching for male prostitutes for her bachelorette party, Penelope asked Seth to be her baby’s godfather. He replied that he couldn’t handle such responsibility, but that he would be proud to be “Uncle Seth.” He offered to use his knowledge of the future to invent new games and rides for her child.
Hector, searching for Thunderpumpkin, ran into Sir Charles Norris. Knowing Norris’ reputation as the world’s greatest tracker, Hector asked for his help in finding the horse. Norris immediately went behind the building and returned with Thunderpumpkin. He then gave Hector one second to tell him why he shouldn’t snap the horse’s neck. One second later, Hector replied “True love.” Norris spared Thunderpumpkin, but demanded a favor in return…he wanted Hector to tickle his pistol. As Hector did so, Penelope walked by and was shocked by the sight. She was so enraged, she began speaking in a Spanish accent. Hector revealed that his Spanish DNA had gotten into her..and furthermore, his immortal seed would produce an inhuman baby.
Collecting taxes, DeGranville met a “stranger” calling himself Ludacris Jefferson. Seeing through Nickleby’s disguise, DeGranville asked why he had not escaped, noting that Gwinnett will surely kill him if he finds him. Nickleby assured him that he could handle Gwinnett, explaining how he had escaped by striking Gwinnett in the stomach. Horrified, DeGranville revealed that a blow to the solar plexus is the one thing that can restore Gwinnett’s sanity. For 24 hours, the Governor will be rational, and more dangerous than ever. With his life in danger and nothing waiting for him back home (as his wife “Mitzi”—whom Nickleby confessed was actually “Michael”—had left him), Nickleby decided to rob the treasury and form a new life in another colony with DeGranville. They only had to get past the treasury’s guard, Sir Charles Norris. Luckily, Nickleby knew Norris’ one weakness.
Penelope explained to the now-sane Gwinnett that she was pregnant with a monster child. Gwinnett calmly and reasonably suggested that she throw herself down a flight of stairs. (“Apparently, your being sane just means that you’re an asshole,” she replied.) The fetus loudly threatened Gwinnett from the womb.
Seth entered the Clermont Tavern and found Cocovin going over the battle plans. Seth revealed that he had drawn up the plans himself, pointing out the doodles of Mario and Luigi. Impressed by his plans, Cocovin invited him to help join the Revolution. Seth was amazed and flattered…he had been a nobody in his own time, but now he had a chance to be a hero.
Sir Charles Norris was guarding the bank when his grandson, Sir Richard DeGranville, came in to withdraw all the treasury’s funds. As all the accounts were in DeGranville’s name anyway, this was actually a legitimate transaction…but Norris insisted that DeGranville had to maintain the minimum balance. Just then, Nickleby (disguised as a clown) arrived with a mouse…Norris’ one weakness. The terrified Norris jumped up on the desk, but soon regained his composure. Norris warned them that he could kill them in 18 different ways, then demonstrated his skills by chopping off the lower left legs of both Nickleby and DeGranville, switching them around. DeGranville pointed out that his left leg was fake to begin with, so he was unharmed. He then demonstrated the new lethal skill he had learned from the Choctaw, by striking a powerful blow to Norris’ chest. He explained to his grandfather that the injury would kill him after he takes five steps. Norris and DeGranville took four steps together to say their goodbyes (while Nickleby retrieved his leg and reattached it). Norris asked his grandson to name his future child Charles Norris, and continue the line of Charles Norrises for generations to come. A light shone down on them, and Norris saw God. (“After the life you’ve led?” “True, but if Heaven didn’t take Sir Charles Norris, Hell couldn’t handle the ass-kicking he would bring.”) They took the last step together, and Sir Charles Norris collapsed into his grandson’s arms. Unfortunately, the touching tableau was spoiled when Norris’ body slid down until his face was against DeGranville’s groin.
TO BE CONTINUED…