Episode 8: In Which a Ruckus Is Raised and a Building Is Razed
As Sir Richard DeGranville had resigned last week, Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett met his new temp assistant, Essex Gallard. Newly arrived from England, Essex was enchanted by the beauty and open spaces of the colonies. Sensing a kindred spirit, Gwinnett suggested a number of activities they could do together, like throwing rocks at a hornets’ nest or staring at the sun. They finally decided to go tip over cows, calling it “Operation Condor.”
Arnedict Barnold was surprised to find the Widow Cocovin at the Clermont Tavern. She explained that, during the time of her “disappearance,” she had infiltrated a group of British troops disguised as a scullery maid, and had stolen their plans to attack the Continental Army. Barnold assured her he would pass the plans on to General Washington…after he has her executed for witchcraft. He gloated that he had accused her because she knew too much about the British army’s weak points, but offered to spare her if she simply accepted that the Revolution cannot be won. Finally realizing that Barnold’s a traitor, Cocovin threw a bowl of hot soup at him and fled.
While playing horseshoes with Seth, Ridickolas Nickleby asked what sort of games they played in Seth’s time. Seth attempted to describe videogames by asking Nickleby to picture the adventures in his head. Closing his eyes, Nickleby recounted his dream of a mustachioed Italian gentleman rescuing a princess. Seth re-enacted Nickleby’s imaginary adventure, eventually turning it into a sexually explicit pantomime. Seth apologized, explaining that the Internet had warped his brain. Nickleby offered to use leeches to remove the bad thoughts, but Seth kind of liked having them there. After some more conversation, they decided to continue the fun by raising a ruckus.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was strolling by the harbor when Penelope rode by on Hector’s horse Cacafuego. Through Penelope, Cacafuego informed Hector that they had become too dependent on one another, and that they needed their own space. Hector wondered aloud who he could turn to; as if on cue, the Widow Cocovin arrived. Hector loudly shouted “Witch! Witch!” She threw a bowl of hot soup at him.
Essex Gallard was skulking through a pasture, searching for cows to tip over, when Ridickolas Nickleby came sneaking by, searching for cowshit to place in bags and set afire. Delighted to meet a fellow Englishman, Nickleby invited Gallard to join him in the ruckus. As they collected cowshit together, they found some mushrooms growing in the field. After eating the mushrooms, Nickleby finally understood what a videogame was.
Cocovin fled to the Governor’s office, pleading for protection because she’d been accused of witchcraft. When Gwinnett called her a witch as well, she insisted that it wasn’t true…it was just because the entire town had gone crazy from her mushroom soup. She soon realized that Gwinnett had eaten the mushrooms as well. Taking advantage of his drug-addled state, she managed to convince him that she was the Governor and that he was her assistant. As Governor, she issued an Order of Protection for the Widow Cocovin, granting her immunity from accusations of witchcraft.
Seth stopped by the Clermont Tavern and explained “Operation Ruckus” to Arnedict Barnold, who enthusiastically agreed to join. In return for his help, Barnold asked a small favor…he wanted to see this 21st-century “cellular telephone” of Seth’s. Since it didn’t work in this time anyway, Seth handed it over.
Hector regained consciousness and found himself lying on top of Penelope; seeing them in this compromising position, Cacafuego once again ran off. Penelope offered to help Hector make his relationships work, since she knows all about the heart and he knows all about the loins. Hector confessed that he had had a passionate encounter with Cocovin, only to discover that she was his direct descendant. Upon this discovery, his loins had retracted, turtle-like…and yet he still wanted her.
Atop the stone mountain, Arnedict Barnold theorized that the Fountain-of-Youth water he had saved (from the time Hector had used it to heal Barnold’s leg) might likewise be able to “heal” Seth’s strange cellular device. After placing a drop on the cell phone, Barnold managed to contact one of Seth’s 21st-century friends and asked to be brought home. Unfortunately, it was just an answering machine.
Gov. Gwinnett came to, found the decree proclaiming Cocovin’s innocence, and concluded that he must have issued it. Cacafuego galloped into the Governor’s office, and Gwinnett soon realized that the horse had split from his master. Gwinnett asked if Cacafuego would be his friend, and they rode off together.
A shellshocked Arnedict Barnold staggered into the Clermont Tavern. He tearfully informed Cocovin that he had been taken to the future and had seen that the Revolution could not be stopped. Racked with guilt over his betrayal of Washington, and appalled by the horrors that the future held, he told Cocovin that it was up to her to lead the new country onto a better path. With that, he slit his own throat. Cocovin pleaded with him not to die, and to hold on until she could fetch Hector and his healing water.
Hector and Penelope were having a picnic at Lover’s point when Cocovin ran up, begging Hector to save Barnold. Penelope angrily lashed out at Cocovin for breaking up their encounter with such a ridiculous story. Just then, Seth and Nickleby ran by and set fire to a bag of poop. Predictably, Hector stomped out the flames.
Essex Gallard was alone in the Governor’s office when Seth and Nickleby deposited a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep. Essex screamed and ran around in panic, but was too stupid to even think of stomping out the fire.
Gwinnett was out riding Cacafuego when they encountered a unicorn, which presented itself to Cacafuego. After a brief romantic encounter, they continued on their adventure until Nickleby threw a bag of poop at the Governor.
Cocovin brought Hector to the Tavern, only to discover that Barnold had vanished, leaving only a trail of blood. Thinking that she had lured him there to resume their relationship, Hector finally confessed (in song) that he was her ancestor. Attempting to form a more appropriate familial bond, he asked to bounce her on his knee. Nickleby came in and lit a bag of poop.
The Governor’s office, surrounded by flaming bags of poop, was now a raging inferno, as Essex Gallard continued to run around in panic. Arriving to find his mansion in flames, Gov. Gwinnett furiously castigated Gallard for his incompetence. Gwinnett’s clothes caught fire, and he stripped down to his underwear while continuing to argue with Gallard in the midst of the conflagration. Eventually, they both realized that it would be a better idea to resume the discussion OUTSIDE the burning building.
TO BE CONTINUED…