Season 3, Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Guest-starring Peter Dusenberry as Sporvis Narvell.

Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Mad Dog told Ebenezer about his plans to join Vladimir’s heavy-metal band, drumming under the stage name “Chief Dripping Sticks.” Ebenezer reminisced about the time his grandfather killed the original Chief Dripping Sticks while riding with Teddy Roosevelt. They noticed a spot of cinnamon goo on the floor, and complained about how the hotel had gone downhill without Celeste there to clean.

Tillie visited Celeste in her cell. Celeste made Tillie whisper so as not to wake up her “freakazoid” roommate, LaKweesha. Tillie promised to get Celeste a good lawyer (from the firm of Feinstein, Feinstein & Feinstein), then gave her a couple of presents: a batch of brownies and a gun.

Sporvis Narvell, the lawyer Bert hired to defend Celeste, arrived in Bert’s office. Bert told Sporvis that he was having doubts about Celeste’s innocence, but that didn’t matter to Sporvis. Sporvis assured Bert he’d get Celeste off, whether she did it or not. Bert informed Sporvis that, since the victim was his wife, it DID matter. Bert told Sporvis that he didn’t just have to represent Celeste, he had to find out if she was really innocent. Sporvis was worried that he wouldn’t get paid if Celeste was found guilty, but Bert threatened him with a Steve Martin reference: “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.” This went right over Sporvis’ head.

Cecil had a nightmare over his shooting Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog came in to find out what the noise was all about. Cecil told him about the shooting and his feelings of guilt.

Mad Dog: “That’s humanity, creeping into your stone cold heart. DON’T LET IT IN!”

Vladimir and ShiShi were discussing the staging of some musical numbers for Vladimir’s band “Gulag.” Vladimir wanted a lot of pyrotechnics, but ShiShi was worried that that would be illegal. Vladimir’s surly reply: “Who cares about illegal?” ShiShi was concerned about Vladimir’s new “rebel without a pause” attitude.

Vladimir: “You know what your problem is?”
ShiShi: “Do you want them in alphabetical order, order of importance, or chronologically?”

Vladimir told ShiShi that her problem was that very attitude (“Stop blaming yourself. Start blaming others! I know I have!”). To demonstrate, Vladimir threw a candle and declared “Not my fault.”

Sporvis Narvell went to see Celeste in her cell. He asked her whether she killed Bitsy, and Celeste said “No.” Sporvis was greatly relieved, since that meant he could get her off. He told Celeste that Bert was paying him in Peppermint Altoids, so he’d need some additional compensation from her: “I’ll be putting my penis either in you or on you.” Disturbed by the freaky, perverted lawyer, Celeste demanded to talk to Bert.

The horribly wounded Dr. Weeds staggered back towards the Gregorio, swearing revenge on Cecil.

Sporvis Narvell nervously made his way to Tillie’s room and confronted her about the gun she gave Celeste.

Sporvis: “You know what they’d do if they found this in her cell?”
Tillie: “They’d be upset?”

Tillie got Sporvis to confess that he was Jewish. She tried to calm down the twitchy attorney by giving him a copy of “Power for Living,” which he then proceeded to rub against his crotch.

Dr. Weeds crawled back to the hotel and met Ebenezer at the entrance. Weeds told Ebenezer he’d been mortally wounded, and that he needed to get revenge on Cecil Caponé before he died. Since Ebenezer had sworn revenge on the entire Caponé family, their plans dovetailed perfectly.

Bert and Cecil had a meeting to discuss Dr. Weeds’ shooting. Cecil accused Bert of going soft, pointing out that HE had been the one who avenged Bitsy’s murder, while all Bert had done was hire a lawyer. Cecil suggested that maybe Bert’s time was over.

Bert: “Are you threatening me?”
Cecil: “I’m not so much threatening you as telling you what everyone else sees.”
Bert: “Goddammit, why don’t you threaten me? I thought you were getting some balls at last. You killed that cop, you shot Dr. Weeds, why don’t you threaten me?”
Cecil: “All right, Dad. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you!”
Bert: “My boy!”

They hugged.

ShiShi sang “I Am Woman” for Vladimir and Mad Dog. Afterwards, she tearfully informed them that she’d decided to leave the Gregorio. She’d come to the conclusion that she was stagnating (“I know it’s a big word, but that’s what’s happening”) and that she needed to follow a new path to find her way. Mad Dog gave her a jar of prunes for the road. To say farewell, ShiShi started singing “Tomorrow.” Dennis the vulture joined in, and Vladimir bashed his head against the bar to escape the wholesomeness.

In their cell, LaKweesha asked Celeste what she was in for. Celeste told her she was accused of murder, and LaKweesha said “Girl, you ain’t killed nobody.” Then LaKweesha made Celeste dance for her.

Dr. Weeds gleefully described Bitsy’s murder to Ebenezer, while Sporvis Narvell listened in at the door. Sporvis burst in, weilding Tillie’s gun in one hand and “Power for Living” in the other. Dr. Weeds tried to win Sporvis over to his side, promising to actually get him women if Celeste is convicted. Sporvis was torn between Weeds’ promise and Bert’s threat, but in the end his need to get laid overpowered his need for self-preservation.

Vladimir ran into Bert at the front desk. Bert talked to Vladimir about his new attitude and destructive actions.

Vladimir: “I set grease fire in kitchen, then sent temp worker to put it out with water.”
Bert: “Oh, that kills me. Kills him, too.”

Bert told Vladimir that he wanted the hotel “turned to ash or some other form of rubble.” Vladimir agreed. Bert gave him a painful handshake and told him to get a haircut.

ShiShi stopped by Tillie’s room to tell her she was leaving the hotel. Upset, Tillie told her to go ahead and leave: “Leave me to the crocodile guy and my porn career!” ShiShi left in tears.

Dr. Weeds ran into Bert in the hallway. They pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, Cecil arrived and pulled guns on both of them. Then EVERYBODY arrived, most of them drawing guns. Everybody opened fire and everybody fell down.

TO BE CONTINUED…