Episode 13: Chick & Boozy Come to the Gregorio
Mad Dog and Celeste were eating at Grand Central Pizza Station. Celeste realized that she’d never “looked” at Mad Dog, and asked if she could feel his face. Mad Dog was confused as to how that constitutes “looking,” but agreed. Celeste mentioned that she imagined Mad Dog as a short, stout man with fiery red hair. Boy, was she surprised!
Bert was working the front desk when Chick Starley and Boozy the Imp arrived to judge the Battle of the Bands. Bert charged them $150 for the room. Chick explained that he usually get comps because he’s a big star. Bert apologized for not recognizing Chick, explaining he had amnesia. Chick offered to cure Bert’s amnesia with a few tricks from the movies, then acted out a scene from “Danger Cop 2.” Bert charged him $175 for the room.
Dr. Weeds and Dennis the vulture went to see their new therapist, Dr. Buddy Flowers (“Just call me Dr. Buddy”). Dr. Buddy speculated that part of Dr. Weeds’ problem was his negative-sounding name. He suggested that Dr. Weeds change his name to “Dr. Happyman.”
Eb & Flo Towers, the Twin Towers of Rock, were warming up in the lounge when Doris Mayfield came in to clean out her locker. Doris explained that she used to be ShiShi LaRue, the hotel’s lounge singer, but she’d given up her self-destructive lifestyle of drinking and singing. The Twin Towers were consumed with despair over Doris’ decision to “let the music die.”
Dennis and Mad Dog were in the bar, going over the books. Dennis pointed out that they lost $20,000 last year, but Mad Dog didn’t care about the money as long as he had his booze. Dennis confronted Mad Dog about his drinking problem. Mad Dog was filled with shame.
Celeste showed Chick & Boozy to their room. To save time, Chick dispensed with the formalities and came on to Celeste. Celeste was taken aback, and insisted she wasn’t that kind of girl. Chick tried to get her drunk by offering her a Franzia. Celeste suddenly recognized his voice from the Franzia commercials, and was immediately starstruck.
Doris ran into Bert and was surprised by his new look. Bert explained that he had amnesia and had taken to calling himself “Travis.” Doris told “Travis” that his former life as Bert was probably best forgotten. He agreed, saying that he wanted to be a good person and that he was ashamed of his violent attack on Dr. Weeds.
Doris: “So you’d rather be Travis than Bert?”
Travis/Bert: “I just wanna be me. I’d like to grow some hair, too.”
Dr. Buddy got Dr. Weeds to change his image with a new Panama Jack/Jimmy Buffett-style “summer” outfit.
Celeste and “Travis” had a heart-to-heart talk about their relationship. Celeste explained that she just didn’t feel the chemistry or excitement that she had with the old Bert.
Travis/Bert: “Are you breaking up with me?”
Celeste: “Let’s just say I got Chick Starley’s room key.”
Dennis brought Mad Dog to see Dr. Buddy about his drinking problem. Mad Dog’s and Dr. Buddy’s eyes met, and they were instantly smitten with each other. Dr. Buddy tried to talk to Mad Dog about his drinking by using a whale puppet (much to Dennis’ amusement). But the attraction was too strong, and Dr. Buddy finally gave in and sensually shared a beer with Mad Dog.
The Battle of the Bands began, with the Twin Towers starting off. Judges Chick and Boozy exchanged lewd comments about Florence Towers (“She looks like Meredith Baxter-Birney if she went all wrong!”). The Twin Towers started rockin’, but it wasn’t long before Chick & Boozy gonged them. Ebony Towers remarked that maybe they should follow Doris’ example and quit. Florence was shocked to hear her brother talking that way, and they got into a serious argument.
Doris ran into Dr. Weeds and cracked up over his new look. He explained that he was trying to change.
Dr. Weeds: “I’m lightening up, I’m wearing khaki shorts, I’m showing off all four of my chest hairs. I named them after the members of Yes.”
Doris was charmed by Weeds’ new persona, and told him that she had changed too. Dr. Weeds invited Doris to dinner at Red Lobster. She was reluctant, but soon gave in.
Celeste came into Chick’s room and found him taking a break from his judge duties. Chick offered her the “full treatment” (“a full body massage followed by oral sex”), and they immediately jumped into bed together and started tossing their clothes away. Bert peered in through the window.
A drunken Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy went to see Doris to try to get her to start drinking again. Dr. Buddy showed Doris his navel (he’s an outie) and told her that he found himself in a bottle. When that didn’t work, he tried using a Jar Jar Binks puppet to persuade her to drink, attracting the wrath of Boozy the Imp.
Boozy: “There’s-a only room here for one puppet that talks funny and tells people to drink, and that’s-a me!”
Boozy and Jar Jar/Dr. Buddy started fighting. Doris and Mad Dog were flabbergasted.
Chick & Boozy met the next entrants in the Battle of the Bands: The Kerosene Drinkin’ Outlaws (direct from “Whiskey Soaked Lover,” coming soon to Dad’s Garage!), singing “Oakie from Muskogee.”
Dejected over losing the Battle of the Bands, Flo Towers ran into Bert. She asked him if he could get her into Chick’s room. Bert was more than happy to assist, explaining: “As long as you can get the better of Chick Starley, I’ll go along with it.”
Dr. Weeds was preparing for his date with Doris. Dennis arrived, cracked up over Weeds’ new look, then complimented him on it. They discussed Weeds’ new attitude (“I feel less evil, but more like a frat boy”), their communication problems, and Weeds’ upcoming date with Doris at Red Lobster. Dennis reminded Dr. Weeds about his wife’s fatal dinner at the Olive Garden, then asked if it was a good idea to take another woman to another crappy chain restaurant.
Chick & Boozy were getting ready to wrap up the Battle of the Bands when Mad Dog dragged Doris on stage. When Mad Dog’s bullying tactics couldn’t change Doris’ mind, Boozy tried gentle persuasion. He reminded Doris of her great talent, and asked her to remember where her singing came from. Doris DID remember, it came from her liver. Doris took a swig and ShiShi was reborn! Getting back into the groove, ShiShi brought down the house with a rousing rendition of “I Will Survive.”
TO BE CONTINUED…