Season 3, Episode 7: Bert's the Boss

Episode 7: Bert’s the Boss

While Cecil was away, Bert Caponé was going over the hotel’s operations. Ebenezer came along, and Bert greeted him with a hearty “Who the fuck are you?” Ebenezer administered his traditional profanity-scolding slap. Bert administered his traditional severe beating.

Tillie and Mad Dog watched some of Tillie’s old movies. Mad Dog was concerned about how he stacked up to her former screen partners, especially those with shaved scrotums (scrota?).

Scarfing down Marshmallow Peeps and guzzling Sublime, ShiShi wandered out to the garden and met Dr. Weeds. Dr. Weeds questioned her about the after-effects of the drug he gave her back in Episode 1 (“Ever get dizzy since then? Ever hear voices?”). Dr. Weeds suggested they had a future together, then licked the Peep dust from her fingers.

Celeste asked Vladimir for some tips on cooking foreign food, particularly Italian. Noticing Celeste’s new perfume and barrettes, Vladimir realized she wanted to cook for her new boyfriend. Vladimir revealed that he’d always wanted to get closer to her himself. “Now you tell me!” Celeste replied, “Get in line!”

Mad Dog found the badly-beaten Ebenezer in the dumpster, and revived him with prunes.

Tillie decided to quit keeping kosher. She called Bert at the front desk and ordered a cheeseburger and milkshake. After Bert’s typically Bert-like response (“What am I, fuckin’ McDonalds?”), Tillie insisted that the “fresh” Caponé bring her food up himself. Bert admired her nerve.

Vladimir offered Bert some ideas for sprucing up the hotel (like changing the bedsheets regularly). Vladimir asked Bert for a raise. Bert agreed, if Vladimir would prove his loyalty by doing an unspecified “something” for him.

Mad Dog nursed Ebenezer back to health with yet more prunes.

Since Bert never brought her her cheeseburger, Tillie invited Celeste to come with her to Wendy’s.

Dr. Weeds brought ShiShi up to his room and confessed “When I’m around you, I don’t feel so evil.” ShiShi insisted that Weeds was only attracted to her stage persona, not the real Doris underneath. Dr. Weeds demonstrated his sincerity by showing her “something no woman’s seen in 3 years” (get your mind out of the gutter, he meant his right eye). He explained that he started wearing his eyepatch after his wife’s death, but now he’s ready to look at life with both eyes again.

Vladimir and Mad Dog were discussing the hotel’s bleak-looking future. They tossed around a few ideas for increasing revenue, including serving good liquor, charging admission for Man Night, and hiring DJ Romeo Cologne, or his cousin Romeo Cologne.

Ebenezer met Tillie in the hallway and complimented her on her radiant appearance. Tillie attributed her glow to having just gotten laid. (Ebenezer: “You went to Hawaii?”) Tillie offered to show the confused old man what she meant with a demonstration, and the two of them went up to the 13th floor.

Bert called ShiShi in to fire her. ShiShi protested that she never drew a salary, working only for tips and her room and board. Bert still insisted on firing her, but offered her one last chance if she could bring a tear to his eye at her next performance.

Tillie and Ebenezer had sex—a rewarding experience for the speedy Ebenezer, a disappointment for Tillie.

The Wendy’s biggie fries weren’t agreeing with Celeste, who sat on the front stoop groaning. Dr. Weeds came by, asked if she’d seen Ebenezer lately, and immediately regretted his choice of words. He then led Celeste to his room.

ShiShi consulted Mad Dog for advice on how to improve her act, keep her job, and save Man Night from being taken over by “rave monkeys.” Mad Dog’s primary suggestion: “More boobs!” He had other ideas, but before he shared them, he asked her for a favor in return: “Shave my balls!”

Dr. Weeds visited Ebenezer’s room. He removed Ebenezer’s glasses and questioned the perplexed, squinting old man about the shooting in Episode 5. Weeds put his arm around Ebenezer’s shoulder, took out his knife, and talked about Ebenezer’s “long, full life.” (Ebenezer: “I’ve led SEVERAL lives!”) Though he could not see Weeds’ weapon, Ebenezer was disturbed by the conversation and by Weeds’ touching him.

Ebenezer: “The way you’re caressing me…it reminds me of a woman.”
Weeds: “And just like a woman, I’m going to do THIS.”

And with that, Weeds stabbed Ebenezer.

TO BE CONTINUED…