Season 3, Episode 9: Meet Bitsy

Guest-starring Carrie Ragsdale as Bitsy Caponé.

Episode 9: Meet Bitsy

Cecil and Bert were still in the middle of their Tarantino/John Woo-style stand-off, when Bitsy Caponé (Bert’s wife and Cecil’s mom) entered. Bert and Cecil put their guns away for the unexpected family reunion. Bitsy pulled her own gun on Bert, but put it away so she could give Cecil a surprise—his beloved childhood toy “Mr. Bun.” Cecil suggested that the whole family—plus Celeste—should get together for lunch.

ShiShi was in Bert’s office, waiting to find out whether she still had a job. Vladimir entered and told ShiShi (after a brief struggle with the language barrier) that there had been several messages for her from a Mr. Brannigan at Virgin Records. Stunned and thrilled, ShiShi urged Vladimir to find those messages. Then they went to Dave & Buster’s.

Tillie met Dr. Weeds in the garden. She told him that, before the hotel closed, she wanted to book one last big Jewish conference. Seeing the convention as a good opportunity to find victims, Dr. Weeds agreed. They kissed.

Celeste met Ebenezer out on the stoop. Ebenezer revealed that he was a ghost, and suggested that they dig up his physical body and take out his eyes so that Celeste could see. Celeste did not take him up on his bizarre offer. Ebenezer mentioned that his escape attempt with Tillie was unsuccessful…as soon as he got out of her K-Car, he rematerialized on the 13th floor. Celeste confided about her romantic problems with Bert, though Ebenezer initially thought she was talking about Dr. Weeds. They laughed over this little misunderstanding, and made fun of Weeds’ faggy scarf. Off in the distance, Dr. Weeds shouted “Nobody makes fun of the scarf!”

Bert arrived in his office and told ShiShi that her Kenny Rogers number didn’t do the trick—he was still firing her. He then revealed that he had “taken care” of the messages from Brannigan at Virgin Records. However, he might just consider letting her contact the record label…if she’d do a favor for him in return.

Vladimir was meditating in the garden when Dr. Weeds entered. They discussed the upcoming closing of the hotel. Vladimir thought they could keep it open, using the attractions of a real ghost and the musical mega-star ShiShi. Weeds insisted that the Gregorio WOULD close, but hinted to Vladimir that they might keep him around. Dr. Weeds warned Vladimir that if Cecil kept trying to keep the hotel open, either Bert, Weeds, or Dennis the vulture would eliminate Cecil.

Cecil and Bitsy took a walk through Inman Park. Bitsy assured Cecil that she’d keep the hotel open, since she always gets the last word with Bert. Cecil confessed that he’d been thinking about shooting his father, and Bitsy agreed that she’d often felt that way herself. They played rock-paper-scissors to decide which of them would get to kill Bert; Cecil won.

Celeste met Bert outside his office. They went inside, and Celeste poured out her heart about all her doubts and fears about their relationship, even though they were still just at a platonic stage. Bert kissed her.

Vladimir and Cecil were drinking at the Euclid Yacht Club. Vladimir warned Cecil about the threat to his life. Cecil revealed that murder was an old family tradition, and that Bert had killed his own father, Chester Caponé. (Vladimir: “So in a way, he’s looking forward to you killing him.”)

Bitsy met Dr. Weeds. Weeds told her that he found her very attractive, but warned her that if she interfered with his plans, he’d have to kill her. Bitsy pulled out her gun and stuck it in Weeds’ mouth. This was a big turn-on for both of them.

Ebenezer discovered the hotel’s library and started doing research about spooks. Celeste entered, and they discussed love and happiness using an extended train metaphor. Celeste tried to gently inform Ebenezer that he’s loud and obnoxious. Ebenezer was depressed by the revelation, but decided he must seem that way because of the blind woman’s extraordinary hearing.

Tillie was waiting in Dr. Weeds’ room when Weeds and Bitsy entered. Tillie took Weeds aside and asked him what he was doing with the shameless redhead. When Bitsy objected, Tillie insisted “This is a conference call, you’re not hearing this.”

ShiShi sang an impromptu number about her dilemma. Cecil entered, and ShiShi informed him about the “favor” Bert had demanded from her: “He wants me to maim your mama!” ShiShi couldn’t bring herself to harm anybody, but feared being thrown out on the street. Cecil assured her that she wouldn’t have to kill Bitsy. He had a destiny of his own to fulfill with Bert.

ShiShi: “Destiny? But what about free will?”
Cecil: “I’ve tried free will, and it isn’t really working out.”

Bitsy invited Vladimir to join her against Bert, and Vladimir told her he was already on her side. Vladimir showed her the many silver bullets he had been preparing, inscribing each one with a different part of Bert’s anatomy. Bitsy again tried rock-paper-scissors to determine which of them would do the honors, but Vladimir beat them all with a missile (“Welcome to international diplomacy!”).

Ebenezer tried using his newfound ghostly powers to terrorize Bert, but Bert was not impressed. Bert revealed that his great-grandfather, Chestoricus Caponé, was the person who killed Ebenezer in the first place. Ebenezer swore revenge on the entire Caponé family.

ShiShi and Tillie were drinking in the lounge. ShiShi confided all her problems, and Tillie gave her a gun.

Celeste was cleaning the lobby when Bitsy Caponé entered and introduced herself. Bitsy revealed that she knew all about Celeste’s relationship with her husband, and warned Celeste that Bert would break her heart. Celeste showed Bitsy the gift Bert had given her to prove his love—a gun. (Celeste had no idea what the gift really was, but it’s the thought that counts.) Dr. Weeds entered and tricked Celeste into leaving. Once they were alone, Weeds flirtatiously told Bitsy that he had a message for Bert.

And with that, Dr. Weeds stabbed Bitsy.

TO BE CONTINUED…