Episode 5: In Which There Is a Revelation About the Revolution
In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville informed Gov. Nigel Buttons Gwinnett of the latest crisis: a plague was striking Little Five Ports. Before DeGranville could describe what the symptoms were, Gwinnett came up with his own list of symptoms, like shifty eyes and touching one’s hat. When DeGranville pointed out that Gwinnett was just listing DeGranville’s own habits, Gwinnett shouted that DeGranville had the plague. Gwinnett pulled a gun, and DeGranville took out his sword-cane.
Princess Penelope wrote a letter to Sir Dale Carnegie asking for advice on how to get people to treat her with respect. Ridickolas Nickleby came in to apologize for his outburst at their last encounter, but he was extremely upset by her declaration that England no longer exists. She told him he shouldn’t have taken her literally; he replied that, as she was a princess, he was obligated to believe her every word. Nickleby read her letter and pointed out that she had written out all of her “ums” and “ers”; she sadly explained that she had never been schooled. They devised a plot to enroll her in the school, but to preserve her reputation, they would say she’s training to be a teacher.
Connie Cocovin sneaked into Hector “Macho” Gazpacho’s cave. Dismayed by his surroundings, she offered him a room at the Clermont Tavern, but he explained that he felt uncomfortable around the townspeople. They reminisced about last night’s bout of passion (“You rocked me like a tornado of pubes and nipples!”).
Arnedict Barnold stormed Seth’s treehouse, demanding Seth’s knowledge of the future. Seth protested that he didn’t have any knowledge (“I’m from public school!”), but Barnold warned him that if he didn’t share it willingly, he would eat Seth’s brain to gain his wisdom. He then presented Seth with a standardized test.
DeGranville was stuck in quarantine with only a sick horse for company. Outside, Hector rode by, happy to be free with a healthy horse.
In the schoolhouse, Penelope told Gwinnett that she wanted to be a teacher. He pointed out that, as a school lady, she would have to be a spinster; she had no problem with that, as there was nobody in town that she would want to marry anyway. A student pointed out that the proper word was “schoolmarm,” not “school lady,” and Gwinnett shot him for having the plague. Penelope accepted the position, asking for the townspeople to build her a palace as her salary. Gwinnett then started making a move on her. When she protested, he told her that while she may be royalty, he’s the one who calls the shots.
Cocovin was returning from her liaison with Hector when she ran into Ridickolas Nickleby. Detecting the scent of olives, Nickleby realized that she had been with a Spaniard, and asked how she could sully herself with such a man. She furiously retorted with some 21st-century profanity she had learned from Seth.
Seth was trying to invent the Internet by training possums to carry messages to each other, when Hector arrived. During their conversation, they realized that they were both out of place here, with Seth being a time-traveler from the future and Hector an eternally young conquistador from the past. Seth high-fived Hector over their common bond, but Hector was unfamiliar with the gesture. (“You struck me! Do we have to duel now?”)
Barnold was thrown into quarantine because he had touched his hat, causing Gwinnett to assume he had the plague. DeGranville explained that there was no plague; he had made up the story to manipulate Gwinnett, but it backfired on him. Barnold had a confession of his own…there was no Revolution, either. He had fabricated the entire thing as a satire, killing many people on both sides for added verisimilitude. DeGranville realized that, if there is no revolution, then there was no danger to the Governor, and his vow was void. Barnold pointed out that there WAS a danger…the very knowledge that it’s fake.
Gwinnett tested Nickleby for the plague by asking him what rhymes with “orange.” Nickleby replied “War hinge—the hinge on which this war swings.” Nickleby then informed Gwinnett that Cocovin had been dallying with Hector “Macho” Gazpacho. Enraged by the thought of the town’s women being defiled by a Spaniard, Gwinnett set out to spy on Hector’s cave.
On top of a tall stone mountain, Hector was looking down over the town, mourning the lost opportunity to claim all this beauty for Spain. Cocovin came up, exhausted from the climb. Hector introduced her to his steed Cacafuego, and she remarked on the coincidence—she recalled from her family history that, about 300 years back, she had a great-great-etc.-grandfather who was a Spaniard with a horse named Cacafuego. Hector immediately became nauseated by the realization.
Arnedict Barnold composed a letter to King George III, urging him to replace his daughter Penelope as she had become one of the common people, accepting a position as a schoolmarm.
At the schoolhouse, Penelope was attempting to teach a sex-education class by explaining what a uterus is; the children asked her to show them hers. Seth came in and was shocked by the diagram on the chalkboard. When Penelope complained about her inability to control the unruly children, Seth told her about managerial skills by recounting how he used to work in a fast-food restaurant with a strict, mean manager whom everyone hated…then one day, he killed himself, and was replaced by a cool, easy-going guy that everyone liked. Penelope asked if there was a moral to the story, or if he was just suggesting that she kill herself.
Nickleby brought mutton and water to DeGranville in quarantine, and they had a discussion about the concepts of freedom and imprisonment. When Nickleby mentioned that he had the key, DeGranville knocked him out with his cane.
Governor Gwinnett was strolling through town, shooting everybody that he thought had the plague.
At the Clermont Tavern, Penelope was preparing to hang herself (while a drunken patron shouted catcalls). Nickleby rushed in to rescue her and to silence the heckler. Nickleby asked why she would consider ending her life, when she has more than everybody else in town. Penelope recalled that she had heard of a place called a pawn shop, where she could convert her useless, ornamental jewels into real wealth to actually accomplish things. They set out for Buford Highway together.
DeGranville, escaped from quarantine, ambushed Seth and demanded proof that he was indeed from the future. After Seth demonstrated by flying on his hoverboard, the impressed DeGranville asked if the American Revolution was real or not. Seth informed him that it did indeed happen.
Cocovin brought some tea to Barnold in quarantine. Not knowing his secret, she informed him that from the top of the stone mountain, she could see all over the colony…and this could be a good vantage point to attain victory in the Revolution.
In his office, Gwinnett was writing laws when DeGranville came in, flying on Seth’s hoverboard. After a brief chase around the office, DeGranville warned Gwinnett that a real revolution was coming. Ignoring the warning, Gwinnett grabbed the hoverboard and flew off…immediately colliding with a pillar.
TO BE CONTINUED…