Episode 15: Turnabout Extruder
Having forced Dr. Weeds and Cecil Caponé to sign over possession of the hotel, Dr. Buddy Flowers informed Mad Dog that he (Mad Dog, that is) was now owner of the Gregorio. Dr. Buddy told Mad Dog he stood to make $15 million in just a few weeks. Mad Dog’s awestruck response: “That’s a lot of corn!” (Mad Dog had been on an all-corn diet and had been constipated for three weeks. I know, it’s disgusting, but it’ll figure into the story later on. You’ve been warned.)
Still linked by the thought transmogrifier, Dr. Weeds and Cecil went to ShiShi to explain their dilemma. Alternating one word at a time, the Weeds/Cecil hybrid told her that Dr. Buddy had fused their minds together.
Tillie received a visit from Dennis the vulture, who was wearing a sombrero and fake mustache to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. Tillie was overcome with emotion when she realized that it was May 5—the anniversary of all 8 of her weddings. She immediately decided that she needed to get married again. Tillie and Dennis went through a list of possible candidates for her 9th husband, and finally decided on Vladimir.
Fully recovered from his amnesia and back to his old self, Bert Caponé returned to his office only to find it locked. Vladimir reluctantly explained that Cecil had signed over the hotel to Mad Dog, but that he was “connected” to Dr. Weeds. Bert took this to mean that Weeds and Cecil had joined forces against him.
ShiShi went to see Dr. Buddy, ostensibly to thank him for reintroducing her to the pleasures of “alkyhol.” However, her handshake turned into a painful death-grip as she demanded to know what he had done to Dr. Weeds. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy pulled a gun on her.
Mad Dog told Dennis he was instituting a new dress code for the Gregorio: “Everybody’s gotta wear tassels on their nipples!” When Dennis objected, Mad Dog declared that he was in charge and that everybody had to do what he wanted. Dennis explained that vultures don’t have nipples, so Mad Dog called out and ordered some nipples for him.
Bert found the conjoined Weeds and Cecil, who explained what Dr. Buddy had done to them. Weeds and Cecil decided to break contact, regardless of the consequences. They were going to let go at the count of three, but Bert got tired of waiting and yanked the transmogrifier out of their hands.
Tillie called Vladimir up to her room. After an awkward silence, Tillie quoted Phil Collins: “It’s no fun being an illegal alien.” Then she offered Vladimir a way out of his “illegal” status.
After the initial shock of breaking contact, Dr. Weeds and Cecil came to…in each other’s bodies. Bert’s reaction: “This is like a fucked-up Star Trek episode!”
Vladimir was on strike at the front desk, picketing to be paid for every single time he helps somebody in any way. He demanded to speak to Mad Dog, but the betasselled Dennis warned him that Mad Dog had gone crazy. Dennis joined Vladimir in a united front against Mad Dog’s reign of terror.
Driving with ShiShi as his hostage, Dr. Buddy set his car’s autopilot for “the insemination cave.” He informed ShiShi that she was going to have a baby for him and Mad Dog.
Tillie told Mad Dog that she was getting married. Mad Dog reminded Tillie that her great-grandmother had warned her that marriage #9 would bring about the end of the world. Tillie’s reaction: “You’re on crack!”
Dr. Weeds and Cecil passed by Vladimir and Dennis’ picket line. Vladimir and Dennis were so shocked by Weeds’ and Cecil’s personality switch, that they had a momentary personality switch of their own.
Bert warned Mad Dog that, although Mad Dog may have taken over the hotel, Bert still had control of his vast criminal empire. Mad Dog retorted that he had an even bigger criminal empire behind him…the Gay Mafia. Suddenly, the phone rang. It was Dr. Buddy, calling to tell Mad Dog about the surprise he was preparing for him.
Vladimir and Cecil (in Dr. Weeds’ body) were searching the bar for clues to ShiShi’s disappearance. After Vladimir mistook a painting of ShiShi for the genuine article, they found a note…ShiShi’s plea for help, followed by the directions Mad Dog took down for Dr. Buddy’s hideout.
Dr. Buddy was tying ShiShi to the bed in his “insemination chamber.” ShiShi pleaded with Dr. Buddy to spare her honor, explaining that, contrary to her trampy stage persona, she was still a virgin. Undeterred, Dr. Buddy was about to deflower ShiShi when Dr. Weeds and Cecil burst in. Dr. Weeds (in Cecil’s body) jammed a gun into Dr. Buddy’s crotch and fired.
Tillie asked Vladimir to marry her. She asked him a number of questions about his suitability as a husband, until he pointed out that she hadn’t asked the most important question of all: “Do I love you?” Vladimir and Tillie declared their love for each other, and kissed passionately.
Mad Dog arrived at the “insemination chamber” to find the gravely wounded Dr. Buddy. Dr. Buddy informed Mad Dog that “Little Buddy” had been blown away onto the wall. He sobbed that he only wanted a baby for the two of them, but that it would never happen now. Suddenly, Mad Dog’s bowels went into labor. (See? I told you that all-corn diet would be relevant later on.)
Alone at the bar, Bert found Mad Dog’s list of associates in the Gay Mafia. He called up the first name on the list, and did a perfect Mad Dog impression to invite the whole gang to the hotel. Dennis came in and warned Bert that Mad Dog had gone insane. Bert replied that Mad Dog had been insane for 27 years, but agreed that he’d gone too far this time. To show his appreciation for all the good work Dennis had done, Bert appointed the vulture consigliere of the Caponé family. Then he pulled the tassels off Dennis’ chest. Bert told Dennis that their first target was Mad Dog Maddox.
Dr. Weeds, Cecil and ShiShi were driving back to the hotel. ShiShi tried to explain to the body-switched duo how she felt about both of them, then told them to turn on the radio to PEACH-94.9. To demonstrate her feelings, she called in a dedication of “Close to You” and sang along.
TO BE CONTINUED…