Episode 18: …The Sun Is Gone
Alone in his lab, Dr. Weeds celebrated his success in finally destroying the sun, and laughed maniacally.
Bert was amazed to learn that Celeste could see now. Celeste was equally surprised to discover how handsome Bert was, and she asked him to turn around so she could really check him out. With her sight being restored and the world coming to end, they decided to cut out the chit-chat and just have sex.
Vladimir was working the front desk when ShiShi came in, complaining that CVS was completely sold out of self-tanning products. They discussed the state of the sun-deprived city. Vladimir lamented that he saw no point in running the hotel in these end times. ShiShi urged him not to give in to despair, and to use his Russian ingenuity to find a solution.
Vladimir: “I believe man will reinvent himself.”
ShiShi: “Aw, we don’t have time for that!”
Dennis the vulture was still holding 111x9 prisoner in the basement. 111x9 asked Dennis if he was cold, then offered him a pill to keep him warm. After 111x9 proved it was safe by taking one himself, Dennis took the pill and started feeling groovy. He suddenly got the urge to make prank phone calls.
Worried by 111x9’s disappearance, Mad Dog paced around his room until Dr. Buddy came home. Mad Dog asked Buddy how he felt about faking his own death, then told him all about Vladimir’s plan to kill him for his insurance money. Buddy suggested that they kill Vladimir instead. Mad Dog was upset by all this talk of killing, but Buddy tried to win him over with a mysterious form of foreplay involving a Jar Jar Binks puppet.
Cecil Caponé conferred with his Tiki god. The Tiki told him it was his destiny to lead his people to “the warm spot.” Cecil considered this, and realized he meant the ozone-hole in Antarctica.
After sex, Bert and Celeste were amazed by how incredible it was. Celeste suggested they do it again.
Bert: “What do I look like to you? You turn me around like I’m some piece of meat, and now you just want to do it with me continuously? God, I love you!”
Vladimir was at the front desk when he heard a knocking at the trap door underneath. He opened the door and released 111x9. Vladimir was unnerved by how much the child had grown in two weeks, not to mention his mysterious behavior. His heart softened when he realized all 111x9 wanted was his parents…and a pair of breasts to suck on. Vladimir told 111x9 that he was being deprived of mother’s milk, and that he would be better off without Dr. Buddy as a parent. 111x9 offered Vladimir a pill to give him the strength to kill Buddy.
Cecil was getting a candy bar from the hotel vending machine when Bert came by for some cigarettes…without his pants. After a few subtle hints, Cecil realized that his dad had gotten lucky. Cecil tried to apologize to Bert about their argument and tell him about the Tiki’s prophecy, but found he couldn’t talk to him until he put some pants on.
Dr. Weeds was at the salad bar at Shoney’s when ShiShi came by. There was an awkward moment, and finally ShiShi asked him why he had to blow up the sun. She told him she thought she’d helped him heal his broken heart. Weeds realized how much he truly felt for ShiShi, and he asked her to come away with him.
Dr. Weeds: “Make love to me as though it’s the end of the world.”
ShiShi: “Because it is! So I won’t have to pretend, will I?”
Dr. Weeds: “For the first time for a woman with me, no, you won’t have to pretend.”
Searching the basement for 111x9, Mad Dog found Dennis passed out. He revived the vulture, who told Mad Dog all about everything that had happened down there. Then he started ranting all about 111x9’s wide variety of creepiness until he passed out again.
111x9 came home to Dr. Buddy and informed him that the “plumping pills” were working perfectly. Dr. Buddy revealed that everything was going according to HIS plan…his ALIEN plan. Now that the sun was gone, Earth would soon find its way to a new orbit around Jupiter, where Buddy’s people would move in and use the plumped-up humans as food.
A montage of Dr. Weeds and ShiShi’s romance ended with them in the bedroom. Dr. Weeds realized that all this time, all he needed was a plug for the hole in his heart, and ShiShi was that plug. Weeds was so inspired, HE sang to ShiShi for a change.
Cecil told the Tiki that he couldn’t handle the pressure of saving the world. The Tiki tried to convince him of his destiny, warning him that there were alien forces at work. Cecil put a gun to the Tiki’s head, then to his own, threatening to kill himself to escape the responsibility. The Tiki told Cecil he was their only hope, thus appealing to the Star Wars geek in him.
Mad Dog and Dennis got drunk and made prank phone calls.
Celeste ran into Vladimir and found him incredibly hot. She explained that now that she could actually see men, her sex drive had gone into overtime. She was worried whether she should stay loyal to Bert or try to experience as much sex as she could. Vladimir told her there was much more to experience in life than just sex, and Celeste suddenly got a headache. Vladimir told Celeste that he had a plan to save the world…and best of all, it fit in with her own plans. He urged Celeste to keep having sex with Bert until she attains spontaneous combustion and brings fire back to the world.
Bert (now wearing pants) found Cecil holding the gun to his head. He put a gun to his own head, telling Cecil that he’d be killing both of them by pulling the trigger. He told Cecil that he’d had a back-up plan the entire time, and that he needed his help. Cecil put the gun down, then turned it on Bert.
Completely smashed, Mad Dog and Dennis staggered back to Dr. Buddy and 111x9. Dr. Buddy put them under hypnosis and told them that he had two enemies, Vladimir and “The Chosen One.” He explained that another race of aliens besides his own had visited Earth and left “a little brown messenger.” (Mad Dog: “Tito Puente?”) He told them that they needed to find the little brown oracle and stop the Chosen One. He left them with a post-hypnotic command to kill the first person they see after they hear the word “icebox.”
Cecil went to Vladimir for advice. He explained that he had been receiving instructions from the Tiki, and Vladimir realized that Cecil was the Chosen One. Vladimir informed Cecil that that meant that 111x9 was the Anti-Chosen One. He showed Cecil the pill that 111x9 had given him, explaining that he’d had it analyzed and discovered it was full of powerful mind-controlling drugs and a drop of retsin. Vladimir gave Cecil a secret weapon to use in his struggle against 111x9: a pair of wax wings.
Mad Dog, Dennis, Bert, Celeste and Dr. Weeds all gathered to watch ShiShi perform. Unfortunately, ShiShi couldn’t think of any songs that weren’t sun-obsessed, until Dr. Weeds led them all to join together for “We Are the World.” Mad Dog was so moved, he announced that his heart had grown six sizes. Then he collapsed.
TO BE CONTINUED…