Introducing Sloane Warren as the adolescent 111x9.
Episode 17: I Can See Clearly Now…
Now that they were restored to their proper bodies, Cecil and Dr. Weeds discussed what they’d learned from the experience. Cecil had gotten a glimpse into the human soul, and wanted to follow a more spiritual path. To this end, he’d started carrying around a Hawaiian Tiki figure, a monkey’s paw, and a cup he’s pretty sure Christ drank from. Dr. Weeds had found the determination to follow through with his plans, and so was returning to work on his laser.
Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy were arguing about the boarding school bills when their son, 111 x 9, returned from school. Since being born last week, the boy had really shot up and matured quickly. 111 x 9 told Buddy and “Mom Dog” that he wasn’t happy at the boarding school, and wanted to be somewhere with more feminine companionship. He showed his parents the acceptance letters he’d received from Oxford, Harvard, and Georgia Tech. He told them he was leaning towards Tech for all the hot chicks there. Mad Dog and Buddy were amazed that they’d given birth to a heterosexual.
Bert Caponé was instructing Dennis the vulture on the finer points of being a consigliere. He then gave Dennis the sad news that his criminal empire was bankrupt. Since Dennis had done such a good job turning the hotel around, he wanted the bird to do the same for his entire operation. Bert revealed that he knew Dennis, not Dr. Weeds, was the true mastermind behind the laser. He asked Dennis to help him use the laser to hold the world for ransom, rather than destroy the sun like Dr. Weeds wants.
Celeste told Vladimir that she’d given up her acting career because she was happier just being herself. Vladimir suggested that she could still have a career by being herself and not acting, just like Brendan Fraser. He then suggested that she get lessons from the best actor at the hotel: Dr. Buddy, whom Vladimir knew to be a big faker.
Dr. Weeds confronted Dr. Buddy, seeking revenge for all the terrible things Buddy had done to him. However, Dr. Buddy pointed out all the upside of those acts: Weeds was now getting along with Cecil, and Weeds had actually played the hero by coming to ShiShi’s rescue. It was all part of Buddy’s special brand of therapy. Dr. Buddy even regarded having his dick blown off as a small price to pay for having turned Weeds into a better person. Dr. Weeds realized that Buddy was right. Then Dr. Buddy asked Dr. Weeds for a favor involving the laser.
Dennis the vulture ran into Cecil, who showed him his Tiki god statue. Dennis asked “Who are you, Greg Brady?”, then did a long Brady Bunch routine until Cecil got fed up and put a gun to the bird’s head. They sat down and talked about Cecil’s spiritual quest.
Cecil: “I’m trying to find God…and he’s not in the Gregorio, that’s for sure!”
Cecil speculated that perhaps he could get back into God’s good graces by redeeming his father. As he pondered this, Dennis grabbed his gun.
“Mom Dog” and 111 x 9 were having a father/son talk about school.
111 x 9: “I don’t have to go to school. I don’t have to do ANYTHING.”
Mad Dog: “Now that’s American talking!”
111 x 9 asked Mad Dog how his beer was. Mad Dog replied, “Fine, rich, foamy…” Then he passed out.
Later, Dr. Buddy came home and found 111 x 9 alone. 111 x 9 told Buddy that Mad Dog was out “taking a walk.” Then he showed Buddy a condom he claimed to have found in Mad Dog’s drawer. Shocked by this evidence of infidelity, Buddy broke down crying and begged 111 x 9 never to drink like his parents do. 111 x 9 asked ominously, “How are you feeling, father?” Buddy sobbed that he was hurting, and asked his son “Don’t you have any human emotions?” Horrified, Buddy realized that he doesn’t.
Dennis the vulture went to visit Dr. Weeds in the lab. Weeds told Dennis that he’d finally gotten back on track and was ready to launch the laser. Dennis mocked Dr. Weeds’ desire for world-destruction: “Oh, my wife died at the Olive Garden, so I’m going to blow up the sun and freeze the world!” Dr. Weeds reminded Dennis about his OWN dead wife, a swan named Penelope. The memories came flooding back and Dennis started crying. Dr. Weeds persuaded Dennis that his laser could put an end to the pain for both of them.
Cecil and Bert had dinner at The Bridgetown Grill, where “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” played incessantly until Bert attacked the musician. Cecil tried to win his father over to the side of righteousness. The conversation turned into a furious argument about God and religion, with Cecil renouncing Catholicism and Bert making fun of the Tiki. They parted on bitter terms:
Cecil: “You’re dead and you don’t even know it.”
Bert: “You’re dead to me!”
Celeste was dusting in Dr. Weeds’ lab when she stumbled across the laser. Feeling around the equipment, she noticed it was missing two D batteries. Luckily, she always carries around some spare Energizers. As she installed them, the laser whirred to life, with Celeste right in the beam’s path.
Vladimir was changing in the staff locker room when he discovered an unconscious Mad Dog in his locker. After Vladimir dragged him to the bed, Mad Dog came to and realized that 111 x 9 had slipped him a mickey. Mad Dog grinned proudly about his son’s mischievous antics. Vladimir told Mad Dog that Dr. Buddy was not fit to be a father figure for their son. He told Mad Dog that “Dr.” Buddy was a fake who’d gotten his degree by mail-order. He also cautioned that Buddy was a gifted hypnotist, and might be influencing Mad Dog in his sleep. He urged Mad Dog to get rid of Buddy…and as a final incentive, pointed out Buddy’s $1.5 million life insurance policy.
Dennis was working the front desk when 111 x 9 entered. They introduced themselves, and when Dennis realized that 111 x 9’s “Mom Dog” was Bert’s arch-enemy Mad Dog Maddox, Dennis pulled Cecil’s gun on the youngster and forced him into the basement.
Dr. Weeds arrived in the lab to find the laser fully operational, and a stunned Celeste in front of it. Celeste took off her glasses and discovered that she could see now!
Mad Dog came home and found the despondent Dr. Buddy. As Mad Dog gave Buddy a foot massage, Buddy accused him of having an affair with Vladimir, confronting him with the condom as “proof.” Mad Dog’s only response was to suck Buddy’s toes.
Bert was in his office when Vladimir came in, beaming with pride about a huge amount of money he’ll soon be receiving.
Vladimir: “It will happen soon, unless a giant laser blows up the sun.”
Bert (panicked): “What do you know about the laser?”
Vladimir (confused): “It’s a metaphor.”
Vladimir explained his plan to kill Dr. Buddy for his insurance. Bert approved whole-heartedly, adding that Buddy used to be part of his organization. When Bert asked who would do the job on Buddy, Vladimir replied: “Mad Dog is so pissed, he’ll probably eat him alive from the feet up.”
Cecil ran into Celeste, who explained excitedly that she could see, and was taking in as many sights as she could in case the effects were fleeting. She told Cecil he was beautiful, then ran off to see some more. Cecil remarked to himself that things were falling into place, then took out his Tiki and smiled.
Dennis was holding 111 x 9 prisoner in the basement. He asked 111 x 9 how old he was, and the kid replied: “I’m 12 now. I should be 31 by next week.” 111 x 9 explained that he had been gifted with rapid growth and great intelligence due to his unusual conception as a “poo-baby,” one of only five in the world. When Dennis asked about the other four, 111 x 9 casually replied that he had killed the others because he didn’t like them. Sensing danger, Dennis started trying to butter up 111 x 9 with flattery. 111 x 9 asked ominously: “How are you feeling, Mr. Vulture?”
Celeste went to see “Battlefield Earth,” and even THAT was beautiful. Afterwards, she bought a bunch of kaleidoscopes, and was overwhelmed by the beauty of it all.
Cecil and Dr. Weeds stood before the fully-functional laser. Since he had failed to win his father over to the side of the Tiki, Cecil was ready to join Weeds in destroying the sun. Bert burst in and tried to stop them. Dr. Weeds told Bert that all three of them would be better off in a dead world, then activated the laser.
Celeste was at the top of the Statue of Liberty, delighting in all the beauty she saw all around her. Then the sun exploded.
TO BE CONTINUED (oddly enough…)