Season 3, Episode 14: A Meeting of the Minds

Episode 14: A Meeting of the Minds

Cecil Caponé returned from the hospital and was surprised to find Dennis the vulture working the front desk. Cecil informed Dennis that he was ready to return to his old job, but Dennis showed Cecil the books and pointed out that the hotel consistently lost money under Cecil’s management, but was making a huge profit with Dennis in charge. Cecil demanded his old job back and made a veiled threat to the bird. Dennis pooped on his head.

Tillie was watching the Crocodile Man in her room when Celeste came in to clean. Tillie noticed Celeste’s “wild and dangerous” new look, and Celeste told her about her passionate, forbidden, and VERY brief affair with Chick Starley. Celeste informed Tillie that Chick had inspired her to take up acting herself. Tillie told Celeste that, as an empowered woman, she can do anything, but still cautioned her “but watch out, ’cause you’re blind.”

ShiShi and Mad Dog talked to the bar, reminiscing about the good times they’d had there. Mad Dog asked ShiShi for advice about love. ShiShi suggested he tell her about his feelings so that they could suss out the solution, but since Mad Dog didn’t know what “suss” meant, the discussion got sidetracked.

Dr. Weeds went to see Dr. Buddy Flowers for their therapy session. Dr. Buddy continued the softening of Weeds’ image by using a marker to turn Weeds’ scar into a happy face. Dr. Buddy asked Dr. Weeds to bring in Cecil, and together they’d work out their issues with Buddy’s “radical new device.”

The amnesiac Bert/Travis ran into Vladimir at the laundromat, and they started talking about various detergents.

Bert/Travis: “You should use one of them Downy Balls.”
Vladimir: “I tell you, I AM a Downy Ball right now.”

Vladimir explained that he was depressed because it seemed like everybody at the hotel was in love except for him. Vladimir told Bert that he had taught him to love authority and power. Bert suggested that Vladimir teach that forgotten lesson back to him.

Dennis and Mad Dog were setting up the ballroom for an upcoming convention. Dennis asked Mad Dog how he felt about him as a boss, and Mad Dog confessed to some uneasiness about being around a talking bird. Dennis got up close in an attempt to ease Mad Dog’s discomfort, but accidentally pecked him on the face. Mad Dog fled in terror.

Cecil ran into Bert and recognized him in spite of the mohawk. Bert was initially surprised to hear Cecil call him “Dad,” but was moved to tears by the discovery that he had a son. Cecil and Bert hugged.

Mad Dog went to visit Dr. Buddy. Buddy offered Mad Dog his chair, then threw himself onto the bed and landed with a thud. As Buddy and Mad Dog talked, Buddy slowly sank into the bed. Buddy informed Mad Dog that his lease was running out, and that he’d soon need a place to stay. Mad Dog offered Dr. Buddy a place at the bar. Dr. Buddy eagerly accepted, then disappeared from view.

Dr. Weeds came to ShiShi’s room to pick her up for their date, only to find her passed out drunk on the bed. Dr. Weeds was disappointed to learn that ShiShi had started drinking again (“When we said I’d stop killing & you’d stop drinking, I MEANT killing & drinking!”), but confessed that he still had strong feelings for her (and that these feelings had prevented him from taking advantage of her after drugging her back in Episode 1). ShiShi explained that, now that he’s reformed, she no longer felt good enough for him. Dr. Weeds demonstrated how much she meant to him by taking off his hat. They kissed and went out for popcorn shrimp.

Cecil went to see Celeste to discuss Bert’s personality change. Much to his confusion, Celeste was talking like an Old West “Miss Kitty” saloonkeeper. Finally, she explained that she was just practicing her acting, and Cecil complimented her on her portrayal of a crazy person. Cecil was surprised that Celeste had stopped seeing Bert now that he was a nice guy, but Celeste explained that the chemistry just wasn’t there anymore since Bert changed. Suddenly, Celeste realized that, since SHE’D changed as well, maybe their transformations would counteract each other and the spark would be back.

Dennis and Vladimir were in the breakroom, commiserating over their loneliness and outsider status. Dennis suggested that they go to the Pink Pony and see the strippers. Vladimir liked the suggestion:

Vladimir: “Strippers! Women who take off their clothes for you…tease you…laugh as you leave with less money than you had before!”

Dennis suddenly lost his enthusiasm for the idea.

Travis/Bert visited Tillie to tell her about rediscovering his son. As he shared the good news, Tillie took off his sunglasses, told him he was a beautiful person, and made him look in the mirror. A strange sense of recognition came over him, and he declared “I’M BERT CAPONÉ!”

Having been invited to see Dr. Buddy, Cecil arrived and was shocked to find Dr. Weeds there as well. Cecil drew his gun, and Dr. Weeds brandished his hat. Dr. Buddy made them put their weapons away, then explained that he was going to help them work through their antagonism with his “thought transmogrifier.” As each of them took hold of the device, Dr. Buddy explained that this would help them see each other’s perspective by making them think with one mind and speak alternating one word at a time. He warned them that if they let go, their minds would be wiped out into a blank slate. Suddenly, Dr. Buddy revealed his true colors by forcing them to sign an agreement turning control of the hotel over to Mad Dog, or else he’d wipe their minds clean himself.

Weeds/Cecil: “What!” “Do!” “You!” “Think!” “You’re!” “Doing?” “You!” “Little!” “Fag!”

Celeste went to see Bert, vamping it up to beat the band. Bert was perplexed.

Vladimir and Dennis were on their way to the Pink Pony when they ran into Mad Dog. Mad Dog apologized to Dennis for his earlier panic attack. Vladimir dropped his lollipop and was deeply saddened. Mad Dog suggested he get over it with a good lap-dance.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 13: Chick & Boozy Come to the Gregorio

Episode 13: Chick & Boozy Come to the Gregorio

Mad Dog and Celeste were eating at Grand Central Pizza Station. Celeste realized that she’d never “looked” at Mad Dog, and asked if she could feel his face. Mad Dog was confused as to how that constitutes “looking,” but agreed. Celeste mentioned that she imagined Mad Dog as a short, stout man with fiery red hair. Boy, was she surprised!

Bert was working the front desk when Chick Starley and Boozy the Imp arrived to judge the Battle of the Bands. Bert charged them $150 for the room. Chick explained that he usually get comps because he’s a big star. Bert apologized for not recognizing Chick, explaining he had amnesia. Chick offered to cure Bert’s amnesia with a few tricks from the movies, then acted out a scene from “Danger Cop 2.” Bert charged him $175 for the room.

Dr. Weeds and Dennis the vulture went to see their new therapist, Dr. Buddy Flowers (“Just call me Dr. Buddy”). Dr. Buddy speculated that part of Dr. Weeds’ problem was his negative-sounding name. He suggested that Dr. Weeds change his name to “Dr. Happyman.”

Eb & Flo Towers, the Twin Towers of Rock, were warming up in the lounge when Doris Mayfield came in to clean out her locker. Doris explained that she used to be ShiShi LaRue, the hotel’s lounge singer, but she’d given up her self-destructive lifestyle of drinking and singing. The Twin Towers were consumed with despair over Doris’ decision to “let the music die.”

Dennis and Mad Dog were in the bar, going over the books. Dennis pointed out that they lost $20,000 last year, but Mad Dog didn’t care about the money as long as he had his booze. Dennis confronted Mad Dog about his drinking problem. Mad Dog was filled with shame.

Celeste showed Chick & Boozy to their room. To save time, Chick dispensed with the formalities and came on to Celeste. Celeste was taken aback, and insisted she wasn’t that kind of girl. Chick tried to get her drunk by offering her a Franzia. Celeste suddenly recognized his voice from the Franzia commercials, and was immediately starstruck.

Doris ran into Bert and was surprised by his new look. Bert explained that he had amnesia and had taken to calling himself “Travis.” Doris told “Travis” that his former life as Bert was probably best forgotten. He agreed, saying that he wanted to be a good person and that he was ashamed of his violent attack on Dr. Weeds.

Doris: “So you’d rather be Travis than Bert?”
Travis/Bert: “I just wanna be me. I’d like to grow some hair, too.”

Dr. Buddy got Dr. Weeds to change his image with a new Panama Jack/Jimmy Buffett-style “summer” outfit.

Celeste and “Travis” had a heart-to-heart talk about their relationship. Celeste explained that she just didn’t feel the chemistry or excitement that she had with the old Bert.

Travis/Bert: “Are you breaking up with me?”
Celeste: “Let’s just say I got Chick Starley’s room key.”

Dennis brought Mad Dog to see Dr. Buddy about his drinking problem. Mad Dog’s and Dr. Buddy’s eyes met, and they were instantly smitten with each other. Dr. Buddy tried to talk to Mad Dog about his drinking by using a whale puppet (much to Dennis’ amusement). But the attraction was too strong, and Dr. Buddy finally gave in and sensually shared a beer with Mad Dog.

The Battle of the Bands began, with the Twin Towers starting off. Judges Chick and Boozy exchanged lewd comments about Florence Towers (“She looks like Meredith Baxter-Birney if she went all wrong!”). The Twin Towers started rockin’, but it wasn’t long before Chick & Boozy gonged them. Ebony Towers remarked that maybe they should follow Doris’ example and quit. Florence was shocked to hear her brother talking that way, and they got into a serious argument.

Doris ran into Dr. Weeds and cracked up over his new look. He explained that he was trying to change.

Dr. Weeds: “I’m lightening up, I’m wearing khaki shorts, I’m showing off all four of my chest hairs. I named them after the members of Yes.”

Doris was charmed by Weeds’ new persona, and told him that she had changed too. Dr. Weeds invited Doris to dinner at Red Lobster. She was reluctant, but soon gave in.

Celeste came into Chick’s room and found him taking a break from his judge duties. Chick offered her the “full treatment” (“a full body massage followed by oral sex”), and they immediately jumped into bed together and started tossing their clothes away. Bert peered in through the window.

A drunken Mad Dog and Dr. Buddy went to see Doris to try to get her to start drinking again. Dr. Buddy showed Doris his navel (he’s an outie) and told her that he found himself in a bottle. When that didn’t work, he tried using a Jar Jar Binks puppet to persuade her to drink, attracting the wrath of Boozy the Imp.

Boozy: “There’s-a only room here for one puppet that talks funny and tells people to drink, and that’s-a me!”

Boozy and Jar Jar/Dr. Buddy started fighting. Doris and Mad Dog were flabbergasted.

Chick & Boozy met the next entrants in the Battle of the Bands: The Kerosene Drinkin’ Outlaws (direct from “Whiskey Soaked Lover,” coming soon to Dad’s Garage!), singing “Oakie from Muskogee.”

Dejected over losing the Battle of the Bands, Flo Towers ran into Bert. She asked him if he could get her into Chick’s room. Bert was more than happy to assist, explaining: “As long as you can get the better of Chick Starley, I’ll go along with it.”

Dr. Weeds was preparing for his date with Doris. Dennis arrived, cracked up over Weeds’ new look, then complimented him on it. They discussed Weeds’ new attitude (“I feel less evil, but more like a frat boy”), their communication problems, and Weeds’ upcoming date with Doris at Red Lobster. Dennis reminded Dr. Weeds about his wife’s fatal dinner at the Olive Garden, then asked if it was a good idea to take another woman to another crappy chain restaurant.

Chick & Boozy were getting ready to wrap up the Battle of the Bands when Mad Dog dragged Doris on stage. When Mad Dog’s bullying tactics couldn’t change Doris’ mind, Boozy tried gentle persuasion. He reminded Doris of her great talent, and asked her to remember where her singing came from. Doris DID remember, it came from her liver. Doris took a swig and ShiShi was reborn! Getting back into the groove, ShiShi brought down the house with a rousing rendition of “I Will Survive.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 11: Heavy Metal Poisoning

Episode 12: Heavy Metal Poisoning

An amnesiac Bert Caponé was released from the hospital after having been wounded in last week’s big shoot-out. Because he’d been grazed on both temples, the doctors had shaved both sides of his head (but not the center). The doctors also gave him some sunglasses and an old army jacket. Bert’s new look seemed strangely familiar…

Mad Dog met the hotel’s new musical act, the heavy-metal siblings Ebony & Florence Towers, “The Twin Towers of Rock!” Impressed, Mad Dog told them he had their workout video.

Celeste was released from prison, and Vladimir took her back to the hotel. They had a heart-to-heart talk about their recent experiences, and Vladimir declared “We will both go into hotel as new people.” With that, he pulled off his hair extensions.

With Bert having lost his memory and the gravely wounded Cecil still waiting to be admitted at Grady Hospital, Dr. Weeds was now in charge of the Gregorio. Dr. Weeds gloated over his good fortune with Dennis the vulture. Dennis tried to ask Dr. Weeds how his horrible wounds had vanished without a trace, but since Weeds couldn’t understand Dennis’ crowing, that mystery remains unanswered. Dr. Weeds got all moody and suggested to Dennis that they both see a therapist.

Bert met Tillie outside the hotel. He offered to introduce himself, but explained that he didn’t know who he was. Not recognizing him, Tillie was intrigued by the mysterious stranger. They went out for apple pie & cheese, and picked out a new name for the amnesiac: Travis Tritt.

Celeste was at the front desk when the cowboy-suited wrestling manager Bellagio Sphinx arrived. He explained that he was in town for the WCW’s big “Fall Brawl F’r All Y’All.” He took a liking to Celeste, and got her 2 comp tickets.

Vladimir and Mad Dog had a discussion about their band “Gulag,” and the arrival of the Twin Towers. Somewhere along the way, the topic drifted to Mad Dog’s green nail polish.

Eb & Flo Towers introduced themselves to Dr. Weeds, explaining that they’d be performing that weekend. When they described their music as “speed metal, heavy metal, etc.”, Dr. Weeds muttered a sinister offhand comment: “That won’t be missed.” Dennis arrived and told Dr. Weeds he was hungry. Weeds replied that he was too.

Dr. Weeds held a staff meeting. When Celeste asked if it was up to health code for Dennis to be inside the hotel, Dr. Weeds informed them that Dennis would now be in charge of the hotel’s day-to-day operations while Weeds concentrated on his laser. Vladimir traumatized Dennis with the front desk’s quill pen.

Tillie brought “Travis” to the Gregorio. He found the place strangely familiar, particularly the smell. (“That’s mothballs,” Tillie explained.) When he asked about her living in a hotel, she insisted that it was a retirement home. She explained that she’d been kicked out of every other home for sleeping around, then had a flashback to illustrate.

Bellagio Sphinx had a drink at the bar. He and Mad Dog recognized each other and did their secret handshake. They reminisced about Mad Dog’s career as “Mad Dog Maddox, the Wrestling Bonaventure.” Mad Dog explained that he had to leave because of his powerful, forbidden love for Bellagio. Bellagio replied “It’s only natural for a guy to love his papa!” Stunned by this revelation, Mad Dog made Bellagio prove that he was his father by suckling him.

The Twin Towers were doing their sound check in the lounge. Ebony recounted the time Dee Snyder told him to “stick to his guns,” which is why they haven’t changed their act since 1981. They started their set off with “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Dennis the vulture joined in.

Dennis was going over the new front desk policies to Vladimir, who resented having his job explained to him by a scavenger. Dennis taught Vladimir the basics of phone courtesy and customer relations, then gave him a raise. Vladimir got over his resentment.

Bert ran into Celeste, who recognized his voice. She tearfully poured out her heart to him about their relationship and her imprisonment, but he had no idea what she was talking about. She tried to bring him up to speed. When she mentioned Dr. Weeds, a glimmer of memory came back to him: “I remember that name! That is a name I hate, and I do not remember why I hate it!” Somebody paged Dr. Weeds over the intercom, and Bert screamed at the sound of it.

Bellagio Sphinx and Mad Dog went over their family album. Mad Dog began singing a song about his childhood, titled “Father, You Cheated Me.”

Dr. Weeds called Eb & Flo Towers to his office. He told them he’d been listening to their records backwards, and he liked what he heard. Tillie stopped by to return the records, and then Dennis called on the phone to suggest a “Battle of the Bands.” Dr. Weeds liked the idea, and arranged a competition between ShiShi and The Twin Towers. Eb mocked Dennis’ crowing. Dennis flew in and pooped on Eb’s hair.

Dennis informed Tillie that her rent would be going up to $1000 a month. Tillie told Dennis that Passover was coming, and with it the tradition of “Mah nish ta nah ha li lah ha zeh ha Dennis.” Dennis asked if that was a threat. Tillie initially said no, then changed her mind and started strangling the bird.

Celeste brought Bert to see Vladimir. Bert asked Vladimir for a job at the hotel. Vladimir tried to remind Bert that he was the owner, but Bert didn’t believe it. Vladimir tried to get Bert to hit him just like old times, but Bert insisted “I couldn’t hurt a living soul.” Just then, Dr. Weeds arrived, taunting Bert about all the things he’d done to him. Bert started beating up Dr. Weeds.

Celeste: “Can’t we go a week without killing somebody?”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 3, Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Guest-starring Peter Dusenberry as Sporvis Narvell.

Episode 11: Everybody Dies

Mad Dog told Ebenezer about his plans to join Vladimir’s heavy-metal band, drumming under the stage name “Chief Dripping Sticks.” Ebenezer reminisced about the time his grandfather killed the original Chief Dripping Sticks while riding with Teddy Roosevelt. They noticed a spot of cinnamon goo on the floor, and complained about how the hotel had gone downhill without Celeste there to clean.

Tillie visited Celeste in her cell. Celeste made Tillie whisper so as not to wake up her “freakazoid” roommate, LaKweesha. Tillie promised to get Celeste a good lawyer (from the firm of Feinstein, Feinstein & Feinstein), then gave her a couple of presents: a batch of brownies and a gun.

Sporvis Narvell, the lawyer Bert hired to defend Celeste, arrived in Bert’s office. Bert told Sporvis that he was having doubts about Celeste’s innocence, but that didn’t matter to Sporvis. Sporvis assured Bert he’d get Celeste off, whether she did it or not. Bert informed Sporvis that, since the victim was his wife, it DID matter. Bert told Sporvis that he didn’t just have to represent Celeste, he had to find out if she was really innocent. Sporvis was worried that he wouldn’t get paid if Celeste was found guilty, but Bert threatened him with a Steve Martin reference: “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid.” This went right over Sporvis’ head.

Cecil had a nightmare over his shooting Dr. Weeds. Mad Dog came in to find out what the noise was all about. Cecil told him about the shooting and his feelings of guilt.

Mad Dog: “That’s humanity, creeping into your stone cold heart. DON’T LET IT IN!”

Vladimir and ShiShi were discussing the staging of some musical numbers for Vladimir’s band “Gulag.” Vladimir wanted a lot of pyrotechnics, but ShiShi was worried that that would be illegal. Vladimir’s surly reply: “Who cares about illegal?” ShiShi was concerned about Vladimir’s new “rebel without a pause” attitude.

Vladimir: “You know what your problem is?”
ShiShi: “Do you want them in alphabetical order, order of importance, or chronologically?”

Vladimir told ShiShi that her problem was that very attitude (“Stop blaming yourself. Start blaming others! I know I have!”). To demonstrate, Vladimir threw a candle and declared “Not my fault.”

Sporvis Narvell went to see Celeste in her cell. He asked her whether she killed Bitsy, and Celeste said “No.” Sporvis was greatly relieved, since that meant he could get her off. He told Celeste that Bert was paying him in Peppermint Altoids, so he’d need some additional compensation from her: “I’ll be putting my penis either in you or on you.” Disturbed by the freaky, perverted lawyer, Celeste demanded to talk to Bert.

The horribly wounded Dr. Weeds staggered back towards the Gregorio, swearing revenge on Cecil.

Sporvis Narvell nervously made his way to Tillie’s room and confronted her about the gun she gave Celeste.

Sporvis: “You know what they’d do if they found this in her cell?”
Tillie: “They’d be upset?”

Tillie got Sporvis to confess that he was Jewish. She tried to calm down the twitchy attorney by giving him a copy of “Power for Living,” which he then proceeded to rub against his crotch.

Dr. Weeds crawled back to the hotel and met Ebenezer at the entrance. Weeds told Ebenezer he’d been mortally wounded, and that he needed to get revenge on Cecil Caponé before he died. Since Ebenezer had sworn revenge on the entire Caponé family, their plans dovetailed perfectly.

Bert and Cecil had a meeting to discuss Dr. Weeds’ shooting. Cecil accused Bert of going soft, pointing out that HE had been the one who avenged Bitsy’s murder, while all Bert had done was hire a lawyer. Cecil suggested that maybe Bert’s time was over.

Bert: “Are you threatening me?”
Cecil: “I’m not so much threatening you as telling you what everyone else sees.”
Bert: “Goddammit, why don’t you threaten me? I thought you were getting some balls at last. You killed that cop, you shot Dr. Weeds, why don’t you threaten me?”
Cecil: “All right, Dad. I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you!”
Bert: “My boy!”

They hugged.

ShiShi sang “I Am Woman” for Vladimir and Mad Dog. Afterwards, she tearfully informed them that she’d decided to leave the Gregorio. She’d come to the conclusion that she was stagnating (“I know it’s a big word, but that’s what’s happening”) and that she needed to follow a new path to find her way. Mad Dog gave her a jar of prunes for the road. To say farewell, ShiShi started singing “Tomorrow.” Dennis the vulture joined in, and Vladimir bashed his head against the bar to escape the wholesomeness.

In their cell, LaKweesha asked Celeste what she was in for. Celeste told her she was accused of murder, and LaKweesha said “Girl, you ain’t killed nobody.” Then LaKweesha made Celeste dance for her.

Dr. Weeds gleefully described Bitsy’s murder to Ebenezer, while Sporvis Narvell listened in at the door. Sporvis burst in, weilding Tillie’s gun in one hand and “Power for Living” in the other. Dr. Weeds tried to win Sporvis over to his side, promising to actually get him women if Celeste is convicted. Sporvis was torn between Weeds’ promise and Bert’s threat, but in the end his need to get laid overpowered his need for self-preservation.

Vladimir ran into Bert at the front desk. Bert talked to Vladimir about his new attitude and destructive actions.

Vladimir: “I set grease fire in kitchen, then sent temp worker to put it out with water.”
Bert: “Oh, that kills me. Kills him, too.”

Bert told Vladimir that he wanted the hotel “turned to ash or some other form of rubble.” Vladimir agreed. Bert gave him a painful handshake and told him to get a haircut.

ShiShi stopped by Tillie’s room to tell her she was leaving the hotel. Upset, Tillie told her to go ahead and leave: “Leave me to the crocodile guy and my porn career!” ShiShi left in tears.

Dr. Weeds ran into Bert in the hallway. They pulled their guns on each other. Suddenly, Cecil arrived and pulled guns on both of them. Then EVERYBODY arrived, most of them drawing guns. Everybody opened fire and everybody fell down.

TO BE CONTINUED…