Episode 4: Mother and Child Reunion
The Professor, Chief Barto, and Patrick Anderson were STILL in a stand-off in the alley, with Barto and Pat confronting the Professor about his work for the Viet Cong (who gave the Professor the nickname “The Black Rambo”). The Professor admitted his past, but said that he still needed to call in a favor from Barto…he needed Barto to kill “the retard” (meaning Perry Fippler). Barto was appalled that, after killing Americans, the Professor would ask him to kill yet another American (and a mentally disabled one at that).
Nipsey was going over the online gift registry for her baby when she got a surprise visitor…her mother Caroline, whom she hadn’t seen in 20 years! Caroline explained that she’d been working on the space station for all these years, but they let her out once she found the cure for cancer. Nipsey was upset with Caroline for abandoning her in a puddle when Nipsey was 9, but Caroline explained that she just wanted her daughter to be a survivor. Caroline wanted to be a family with Nipsey once again, and hoped that Nipsey would name her baby after her (even though it’s a boy). Nipsey agreed to give her mother a chance, but warned that if Caroline disappointed her, she was prepared for matricide.
Perry went to the hospital to see the comatose Michael Cash. The doctor informed Perry that Michael had suffered “a bad boo-boo in his head.” He explained that Michael could hear what was said to him, but in his unconscious state, his mind might interpret Perry’s words in a nightmarish manner. Perry replied that he would be careful not to talk about scary things, like vampires and monsters…then went on and on and on about vampires and monsters. He then assured Michael that he would make sure Michael was awake in time for Perry and Nipsey’s wedding, even if he had to give up an organ to do it.
Elsewhere in the hospital, Santiago and Lois were waiting for news from the doctor. The doctor arrived and informed them that they’d lost the baby…in fact, he had it right there in his pocket. As Santiago cried hysterically, Lois melodramatically bemoaned that everything she touches goes wrong. Suddenly, Lois was struck by an idea: They could use the baby’s tissue to save Michael. Rather than go through all the red tape, they decided to sneak into Michael’s room and slip the baby into his IV.
The Professor placed a long-distance call to Vietnam, asking them to send over his REAL file…the one that would prove he was really a heroic double agent for the US. Thrilled to hear from “The Black Rambo,” the Vietnamese consulate acceded to his wishes.
Nipsey was helping her mother move in, while bringing Caroline up to date about her relationship with Perry. Caroline resolved to make up for lost time by being the best mom ever…until the baby comes, when Nipsey becomes the best mom. On the subject of family, Nipsey wanted to know about her own father, but Caroline refused to tell her anything about him.
Perry, Santiago and Pat were preparing a farewell song in case Michael doesn’t make it. Perry and Pat asked Santiago to compose a number in salsa style. Santiago informed them that, to be true to the salsa spirit, they must hoist him onto their shoulders as he sings. Perry accidentally gripped too high on Santiago’s inner thigh (if you know what I mean), causing Santiago to hit a high note.
The Professor attempted to explain himself to Chief Barto, but Barto refused to listen; when the Professor tried to give him the real file, Barto get-some’d it out of the Professor’s hands. The Professor said that he would lay down his life for Barto…if he could, he would pull out his own entrails and make them into a path leading to a magical place where everything was all right between them. Simultaneously touched and nauseated by the Professor’s speech, Barto embraced his old partner.
Caroline ran into Lois in the cereal aisle of the Publix. Furious, Caroline accused Lois of betraying her. Lois tried to get Caroline’s sympathy by showing Caroline her baby. Caroline responded by biting its head off. As the argument continued, the truth came out…Caroline had NOT been curing cancer on the space station all these years; she had really been in prison with Lois. When Lois got out on a work-release program to work at W.T. Friday’s, Caroline felt double-crossed and busted out. Caroline demanded to switch places with Lois…and she also insisted that Nipsey must never know the truth about her criminal past.
In Michael’s room, Santiago distracted the doctor by throwing tongs at him, then made a fake intercom announcement calling him to the second floor. Alone with Michael, Santiago confessed that he was responsible for Michael’s condition…he was so jealous over Michael’s affair with Lois that he cut his brake lines again. When the doctor returned, tongs in hand, Santiago explained his idea to implant the baby into Michael. The doctor prepared to put it in with the tongs, like a life-sized game of Operation. Santiago warned him not to touch the sides or the buzzer would go off.
Nipsey told Perry that she wanted to name their son Caroline, after her mother. They agreed that, with a name like Caroline and parents like them, their son would be sure to have a well-adjusted, problem-free childhood.
In the Jungle Room, Pat and the Professor were playing cards. Pat was glad to see that the Professor had renounced his Communist past and embraced capitalism in its purest form: gambling. They talked about changing their lives, and suggested forming a Coalition of the Changing. The Professor then changed the subject to Nipsey and Perry’s relationship; the Professor couldn’t stand to think of Nipsey marrying a “retard,” and swore not to let it happen. Pat somehow got the idea that the Professor was going to recruit Nipsey into the porn industry.
Caroline went to Chief Barto with a file full of evidence against Lois (explaining that she found it in a storage facility). Caroline explained that this proved Lois’ responsibility in a notorious kidnapping 20 years ago. Overwhelmed, Barto resolved to bring Lois to justice. Caroline offered to wear a wire. Barto said he hadn’t even begun an investigation yet, but Caroline kept on offering to wear a wire until he agreed to let her. Caroline did a happy dance.
Pat, Perry, and Santiago gathered around Michael’s bedside to sing their farewell song. For the full effect, the three of them climbed onto the bed and rocked back and forth as they sang. The doctor entered, took one look at the situation, and left.
TO BE CONTINUED…