Season 15, Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Michael Cash, out of his coma, was sitting in his office when Nipsey came in. Michael explained that he was still incredibly weak…his body is falling apart, just like the restaurant. Nipsey informed him that, while he was incapacitated, none of the employees had been paid; Michael explained that he was too weak to lift a pen to sign the checks. He asked Nipsey to move his arm for him and sort-of forge his signature.

Perry Fippler was checking out the new skee-ball lanes for the upcoming tournament when Chief Barto declared that he had important news. Perry made a number of bizarre guesses before the frustrated Barto revealed that he was placing the restaurant under martial law. Barto locked the doors and informed Perry that he was now a Junior Deputy. Perry gratefully returned the favor by admitting Barto into his “Best Friends Club.”

Santiago was in prison (a women’s prison, actually) for killing Nipsey’s mother Caroline. Lois came to visit him, informing him that she’d made her way there by killing a truck driver and stealing his truck. Santiago observed that she probably shouldn’t be confessing to murder in front of the guards.

The Professor and Pat Anderson were trying to come up with team names for the skee-ball tournament, without much luck. The Professor suddenly realized that the upcoming Alley Rally would be coming through his alley “home,” setting off a Vietnam flashback.

As Lois helped Michael tie his necktie, he confronted her about the awful job she’d done while she was in charge of the restaurant. (Hot wings at the salad bar? Really?) Lois retorted that Michael should be grateful to her…she had brought him out of his coma by placing her baby in his body. Michael pointed out that this was a pretty half-assed miracle cure, since he still couldn’t move. Lois suggested that they hide his infirmity by using his desk as a wheelchair.

Chief Barto had transferred Santiago to the restaurant (since it was now pretty much a prison itself). He offered Santiago a chance to be his Senior Deputy, informing him that he’d be granted posthumous citizenship if he’s killed in the line of duty. Santiago eagerly accepted. Barto gave Santiago a gun and instructed him to shoot any patrons who try to come in.

At the salad bar, Nipsey told Perry that she couldn’t stand being cooped up in the restaurant (especially if it meant having to listen to Perry’s endless nonsensical ramblings). Perry resolved to end the martial law by finding out who killed Sam Friday (assuming that’s the reason for the lockdown).

Chief Barto assembled the restaurant staff to explain the reasons for his drastic action. Lois interrupted to explain that she needed to be set free before her cyst blows up. Barto was disgusted, but still refused to let her go. He resumed his explanation, pointing out that nobody was concerned about the many illegal acts that had occurred at the restaurant (Sam’s disappearance, several cut brake lines, a baby being bitten in half), and SOMETHING had to be done. Pat chided Barto for being so caught up in the past. Just then, the mayor called Barto on the yellow telephone and informed him that he was fired.

Later, the Professor was having a hobo-bath in the dishwashing station, explaining to Santiago that he was enjoying the martial law since it was keeping him indoors. Santiago worried that Barto had overstepped his bounds and made himself a target. Santiago resolved to protect Barto, even if it meant killing the mayor. The Professor replied that, if there’s any killing to be done, he’d be the best one to do it. Santiago handed over the gun.

Making the best out of a bad situation, Pat Anderson was passing the time by showing his photo albums to Lois. Lois was amazed by how handsome Pat had been in his youth, remarking that he looked like Andy Garcia. Pat launched into a lengthy monologue about Andy Garcia’s career…somehow segueing into a complaint about how Fran Tarkenton was underappreciated.

Mad with power, Chief Barto had tied Nipsey to a chair in the basement. He asked her to help him restore order to the restaurant, and she agreed.

BARTO: “Do you mean it, or are you just saying it so I won’t hit you?”
NIPSEY: “Both.”
BARTO: “I’ll accept that.”

Santiago met Perry in the poolroom. As they played, Santiago explained that the National Guard was going to kill Barto, and they needed to stop them. He asked Perry to go out and reason with the National Guard. When Perry asked what he should say, Santiago instructed him to “just do your thing.”

In the basement, Nipsey was still tied to the chair, but now Pat was tied up to another chair back-to-back with her…with a ticking time bomb at their feet. Faced with imminent death, Nipsey told Pat how much she’d always enjoyed his visits, and wished she’d told him sooner. Pat told her that she had a beautiful soul, declaring “You’re my Fran Tarkenton.”

Chief Barto now had Lois tied up, and was forcing her to watch footage of monkeys being loaded onto trucks. As he poked at her cyst (“Is that a parasitic twin?”), Lois declared that he’d become just as bad as her.

LOIS: “Look at yourself! Who’s the criminal now?”
BARTO: “Um, it’s still you.”

Michael crawled in and attempted to bring Barto back to his senses by singing the birthday song. Instead, the song just strengthened Barto’s resolve to save the restaurant from itself. Just then, the Professor arrived and declared that he had come to repay the favor that he owes Barto. Pulling out the gun, the Professor told Barto he was offering him the greatest favor of all…the chance to redeem himself. Barto responded by walking right up to the gun. The Professor fired.

The next day, Santiago and Perry were playing skee-ball and reflecting how thing had turned out. Perry had ended the siege by going out and talking about the PowerPuff Girls until the National Guard left in frustration. Perry was saddened by Barto’s death, but claimed that the Junior Deputy/Best Friend Club bond couldn’t be broken…he could call up Barto’s ghost at any time. Just then, they heard an explosion from the basement, and realized they’d forgotten all about Nipsey and Pat being tied up with the bomb.

TO BE CONTINUED…