Episode 7: The Rat & the Cat…acombs
In the aftermath of the basement explosion, Michael Cash was rummaging through the rubble in search of Nipsey and Pat Anderson. He was surprised to encounter an old friend…the talking rat Refuse V. Torvelson. As Michael explained that his friends might be dead, Refuse pointed out that the explosion had destroyed his home as well. Enraged by Refuse’s selfishness, Michael declared that the rat was no longer welcome at W.T. Friday’s. When Refuse pointed out that he’d never BEEN welcome at the restaurant, Michael replied that he was now double-unwelcome. They eventually arrived at an agreement: If Refuse used his powerful sense of smell to track Nipsey and Pat, Michael would allow him to live underneath the restaurant and bring him canned food.
Grief-stricken by Nipsey’s possible death, Perry Fippler was consoled by Santiago, who introduced him to the time-honored Mexican tradition of dealing with grief: Tequila. Tasting it, Perry observed that it tasted like a dead donkey’s butthole; Santiago explained that that was how it was aged. Perry lamented that he felt lost and abandoned, just like Sandra Bullock. Santiago suggested Perry work through his sorrow by role-playing as the Oscar-winning actress. Santiago got carried away with the charade, and began hitting on Perry just the way he would with the real Sandra Bullock: “If our lovemaking goes below 55 miles per hour, we’ll explode!”
Meanwhile, Lois was STILL tied up when the Professor heard her cries and found her. She explained that she had survived by chewing the same piece of gum for an entire week, though she had also soiled herself several times over. Being homeless, the Professor was able to withstand the smell as he freed her. Lois remembered that the Professor had shot Chief Barto in order to save her…but then he dragged away Barto’s body and didn’t come back. The Professor apologetically explained that he got caught up in Mass Effect 2 and forgot all about her.
As for Nipsey and Pat, they had survived the blast (thanks to Pat’s CIA training) and had made their way to Pat’s secret underground catacombs. Although Pat had lost the map to the surface, he could tell from the soil’s sulfur content that they must be near the restaurant. Pat assured Nipsey that he would get her back to the surface. (“I won’t let your child be born underground!” Pat mused how much Nipsey reminded him of his own daughter, who doesn’t even know he exists…much as Nipsey must feel towards her own father who she never knew. Nipsey did not get the hint.
Santiago had carried Perry to a singles bar to take his mind off his grief. Seeing a beautiful woman sitting by herself, Santiago encouraged Nipsey to talk to her…but knowing Perry’s tendency to ramble, he gave Perry an earpiece so he could guide her through the conversation Cyrano-style. Despite Santiago’s best intentions, Perry still rephrased all of Santiago’s lines into his usual Perry-speak. Perry began rambling about online videogames; much to his surprise, the woman understood exactly what he was talking about. She introduced herself as Cece, but added that her screen name is “Mylittlepony.” Recognizing her name from his games, Perry identified himself as “VHSNerd101.” Thrilled to meet a woman he could relate to in his own words, Perry removed the earpiece and began speaking for himself. Opening a bottle of 5-year donkey-ass tequila, Perry proposed a toast: “Here’s to meeting new friends…and pwning them.”
Lois was trying “Good Touch/Bad Touch” with Michael in his office, when Michael protested that he didn’t have time for their games anymore; he was too busy with his own physiotherapy and trying to get the restaurant back in order. Lois lamented that she was losing Santiago, and Michael pointed out that it might have something to do with the fact that she was sleeping with Michael. She countered that she was only doing so for revenge, and Michael wondered why they kept on sleeping together when neither of them enjoyed it. Lois complained that Michael had grown cold, and he replied that he had to make himself hard and cold to run a restaurant. Then he sentenced her to 20 lashes.
Searching for clues in the underground tunnels, Refuse V. Torvelson ran into the Professor, who was understandably freaked out by the sight of a talking rat. Refuse tried to allay the Professor’s fears, explaining that Michael had asked him to find Nipsey and Pat. Agreeing to help, the Professor climbed onto Refuse’s back and rode him off to the rescue.
Hopelessly lost in the catacombs, Pat Anderson took a Sudoko break as Nipsey complained about his incompetence. They got into a heated argument, ending with Pat asking where she inherited her temperament. He then suggested that they split up. When Nipsey pointed out that one of them would certainly die if they separated, Pat simply replied “Well, good knowing you.”
Perry went to Michael’s office and told him about his meeting with Cece. Michael asked if Cece had any experience as a server, since they needed a replacement for Nipsey. Perry was disturbed by the thought of replacing Nipsey, so Michael instructed him to take all his feelings for Nipsey, crush them into a little ball, and stick them up his ass for five years to make a fine tequila.
Wandering through the catacombs, the Professor found Nipsey. When she asked if he could find the way out, he informed her that they were directly underneath the W.T. Friday’s restroom. He reached up and dislodged the manhole cover, then asked “Wait, wasn’t there somebody with you?” Nipsey replied that she was alone.
Elsewhere in the catacombs, Pat encountered Refuse V. Torvelson. Stunned by the sight, Pat assumed he was having a “Charlotte’s Web” hallucination and asked “Templeton” to drag him to the surface. Although confused by Pat’s remarks, Refuse did as he asked.
At the dishwashing station, Lois confronted Santiago about his visit to the singles bar. As they argued, Lois blamed their strained relationship on the fact that she was a prisoner in this restaurant. Santiago suggested that she free herself by escaping through the catacombs.
As Nipsey and the Professor climbed back up into W.T. Friday’s, she thanked him for saving her. The Professor replied that he was going to continue saving her…he was prepared to do whatever it takes to make her life better, even if he had to take over the restaurant himself. Seeing Pat’s usual table empty, the guilt-ridden Nipsey confessed that Pat had indeed been with her in the catacombs. The Professor responded by replacing the manhole cover and saying “He can stay down there.”
Perry was showing Cece around the restaurant. She felt right at home, and mentioned that she was between jobs. Perry gave her a job interview, using D&D terminology. Cece rolled a 20-sided die, and successfully landed the position.
Underground, Pat asked Refuse to use his sense of smell to find Nipsey. After homing in on her scent, Refuse began to follow it, but was taken aback when Pat didn’t follow him. Pat explained that he couldn’t bear to face his daughter. (“I’d rather die a mystery to her than face her a failure.”) Refuse agreed to leave Pat behind, but swore he’d bring Nipsey back to him.
TO BE CONTINUED…