Season 15, Episode 8: Exterminate!

Episode 8: Exterminate!

Michael Cash called in the exterminator Francis Pinsky with a two-part job…first, he wanted Francis to kill the rat, Refuse V. Torvelson. The second pest he wanted eliminated…Perry Fippler.

In the catacombs underneath the restaurant, Refuse was tracking Nipsey’s distinctive scent (coconut and Febreze) when he got caught in a glue trap. He realized he would have to gnaw his leg off to escape.

At the hostess stand, Perry was talking with the new waitress Cece Rondino, flirting in geek-speak. Cece explained that she was treating her job like a videogame, doing her best to collect XP and level up. Perry replied that he hoped they could level up his penis later that night. In the shadows, Nipsey saw the whole thing.

Santiago and Lois were going over their getaway plan. Santiago revealed that he had always dreamed of going to Mount Kilimanjaro, just like in the Toto song. He informed Lois that once they escaped, they would be hunted down…the only way to keep the authorities from coming after her would be to fake her own death. However, Lois revealed that she was having second thoughts…now that W.T. Friday’s had gotten a new rolling salad bar, she was thinking of staying. Santiago said she would have to choose between him and the salad bar. She asked for ten minutes to decide.

Nipsey was sleeping, having Poe-like nightmares from her guilt over abandoning Pat Anderson in the catacombs. Refuse V. Torvelson found her and woke her up by nibbling on her feet. Refuse informed her that her father was trapped underground. Nipsey remembered all the hints Pat had dropped and realized that Pat was her father. She bandaged up Refuse’s leg and set off with him to find Pat, following the trail Refuse had left with his own droppings.

Meanwhile, Francis Pinsky was following the trail himself, when he found the Professor. Putting a knife to the Professor’s throat, he growled that he was looking for a rat. The Professor admitted that he had seen Refuse, but warned that he believed the rat had AIDS. Francis revealed that he himself had developed Rat-AIDS in the 1980s as a weapon to wipe out rodents…he’d taken the virus and dumbed it down to rat level. Francis asked the Professor what he was willing to do for $5. The Professor assumed he was talking about sex.

Pat Anderson was wandering through the catacombs when he got caught in a glue trap. He was just about to start gnawing his arm off when Nipsey and Refuse found him. Nipsey confessed that she knew he was her father, and he asked her forgiveness for not being there for her. Above them, Francis sprayed his Rat-AIDS gas through the manhole. As the gas flooded the catacombs, the trio attempted to escape. Realizing that one of them would have to stay behind, Refuse told Pat and Nipsey to save themselves…he would sacrifice himself for them.

Lois went to Michael’s office and found Perry there. She explained that she’d come to give Michael her two weeks’ notice. Changing the subject (as he usually did), Perry revealed that Chief Barto’s ghost had informed him that Nipsey was still alive. Stunned by this news, Lois decided to stay on for Nipsey’s sake. However, Perry told her that her resignation was now in the system and it was too late to take it back.

Santiago and Michael met secretly, as they were still “Silencio Brothers” over their mutual guilt in Sam Friday’s death. Santiago gave Michael his two weeks’ notice, infuriating Michael. (“Do you know how hard it’s going to be to find someone I can manipulate as easily as you?”) Santiago declared that, despite Michael’s threats, he was still determined to leave with Lois and the rolling salad bar.

Francis Pinsky came to Michael’s office to collect half his fee, explaining that he’d infected Refuse with Rat-AIDS. Michael protested that he wanted the rat dead NOW, not years from now…and he wanted to see the body as proof. Francis warned that this would cost extra…TWO DOLLARS extra.

Cece was going over her side-work when Nipsey came in and started throwing things around. Cece and Nipsey confronted each other over their longtime rivalry, as they’d ruined each others’ lives in high school. (“It was YOUR decision to have sex with the football captain on the field, Cece…I just told everybody to watch.”) When Nipsey accused Cece of stealing Perry from her, Cece countered that Nipsey had never wanted him in the first place. Nipsey warned Cece that if she took Perry, she’d better be prepared to take her baby as well…Nipsey was planning to abandon it with Perry and Cece.

Francis went underground to search for Refuse, finding the rat weakened but furious. (“You gave me Rat-AIDS! I have a terrible HMO!”) Taking hold of Refuse, Francis asked the rat what his greatest accomplishment was. Refuse reminisced about the time he found a delicious half-rack of ribs behind a Chili’s. Drawing a knife, Francis told Refuse to focus on that happy feeling. As Refuse tearfully broke into the baby-back ribs song, Francis slit the rat’s throat and then stabbed him viciously.

Perry and Santiago were sitting on the roof, trying to burst clouds with their minds. Perry pointed out one that looked like a rat; as he destroyed it, he remarked “I feel like an entire audience is booing me.” Perry then gave Santiago a membership card to his Best Friends Club, explaining that he was one of the only people Perry could talk to…especially since he saw Santiago kill Nipsey’s mother.

The Professor ran into Francis Pinsky, who now had Refuse’s body strapped to his belt. (“You are one scary fuck!”) Francis asked the Professor where Perry was, explaining that he was asking because old black men know everything, just like Morgan Freeman in that prison movie. The Professor was offended by the stereotype, but replied that he DID know that Perry could usually be found in Michael’s office. Realizing that Francis was going to kill Perry, the Professor was struck by a Vietnam flashback. The rush of killing came over him, and he asked if he could come along.

Pat Anderson returned to W.T. Friday’s and settled in at his old table. Lois came by with the rolling salad bar and fed him every vegetable they had, presenting them over-dramatically because it may be the last salad she ever serves. She explained that she was going away, though she couldn’t tell him where. Pat protested that if she left, he would lose his touchstone at the restaurant.

Lured by a note supposedly written by Cece, Perry entered an old shack where Francis Pinsky was waiting. Francis asked Perry about his greatest accomplishment, and Perry replied that he hadn’t done it yet. As Francis drew his knife, Perry realized what was happening, then started rambling about Death coming to get him like in those Final Destination movies. Francis pointed out that in those movies, Death always wins…then Francis stabbed him. Barely reacting, Perry asked who had hired Francis. Francis informed him that it had been Michael, then stabbed Perry yet again. Still not reacting (“Seriously, how are you not falling down?”), Perry answered his cell phone. After taking the call, Perry remarked “It’s my heart…it’s just given its two weeks’ notice.” Then Perry collapsed.

Meanwhile, Francis’ exterminating chemicals seeped through the sewers and combined with the sulfur in the soil. The compound made its way down to the swamp where it soaked into a long-forgotten body that had been dumped there…the body of Sam Friday. The abandoned corpse convulsed and revived, declaring “I’m back, Michael Cash…and I can’t wait to see you!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 5 (Recovered): Die Mommy Die!

Although I wasn't there for episode 5, we were fortunate enough to have Lucky Yates as a guest summarizer. Here is the summary for the "lost episode" from a few weeks ago:

Episode 5: “Die, Mommy, Die!”

Nipsey went to the doctor to see if her baby is a boy or a girl but admits to him that she doesn’t have health insurance. He gives her a GOLDEN PAMPHLET which grants her insurance for 1 year. As she appears smitten with the young doc, he then informs her that after 18 tests, he has some bad news…her baby is hideously ugly. He looks at the sonograms and is struck temporarily blind..

The Professor and Lois are busking on the street, dancing a merry jig. The Professor is hopeful since he just asked the mayor for a pardon for killing Americans in Viet Nam instead of the Viet Cong. Lois shares that she too would like a pardon for the terrible unspoken things she’s done in her life. Thinking he has an in, The Professor skips with Lois back into the Mayor’s office to get her one too.

Caroline (Nipsey’s mother) attempts to help Santiago bus some dishes. He thinks she is making fun of her, but then she offers to buy him a cup of coffee. No one has ever offered this to him before, so he gratefully accepts. Over a lukewarm cup of leftover java, Santiago mournes the loss of his tiny fetus baby “Chris”. He vows revenge on whoever bit the poor thing’s head off saying he has memorized the bite radius of the culprit. As he busses the table he notices that the sandwich left on the plate is the bite he’s been looking for, and it belongs to Caroline!

Chief Barto and Perry are playing some mini golf when the Chief realizes that Perry has been cheating on the score card. While getting the crap kicked out of him, Perry asks the Chief if he’ll be his new best friend. And also that he’d like to be a Jr. Deputy. The Chief allows Perry to be his apprentice if he reads every file and floppy disk he’s been lugging around to solve a murder from the first episode. Perry happily accepts.

Pat Anderson goes to the hospital to check on Michael Cash, who is in a coma. Pat parays to the Corporate Restaurant Jesus top make his hero well again, when the dashing young doctor stumbles in blind. Pat and the doctor stumble around in search of some Braille charts so the doc can check on Michael’s status, but Pat becomes overwhelmed and collapses right into Michael’s crotch.

Perry is doing some Jr. Detecting in Michael’s office when Caroline enters, wearing a wire. They are in plain view of the Chief who is just outside the door. Lois enters trying to catch Caroline in an illegal act and closes the door, pissing off the Chief. Caroline fesses up that she needs freedom and money and asks Lois to kill Nipsey for the life insurance money. Lois offers to kill Caroline instead. Perry uncomfortably sneaks out of the office, having seen too much.

Perry goes to Santiago seeking help in the situation he just witnessed. Santiago reveals that he knows it was Caroline who bit the head off of his fetal baby. Santiago then whips out a knife, which is given to every Hispanic person at birth and vows revenge. Perry takes the knife and shows off his mad knife skillz, which amazes Santiago so much, he offers to take Perry to Mexico to compete in the Knife Olympics where the grand prize is Esmerelda- The Prettiest Burro in all Mexico. But first, they snap into action to get Caroline!

The Chief goes to the Professor’s shack to see if he’s heard anything from the mayor. The Professor is crying as he just received his letter of rejection. The Chief then tells The Professor that it doesn’t matter, he’s already pardoned in his heart. The Professor admits there’s only one thing that matters to him and that’s Nipsey. He pulls a gun and claims Black Rambo is Back!

Nipsey and Pat Anderson are having a heart to heart about parenthood. Pat admits that it’s all about making mistakes, and if you screw up really bad, you can always send the kid to vocational school. Nipsey then reveals that there is a problem with her baby, that it’s hideously ugly. Pat then tries to give a motivational speech, but it ends up spiraling into the confused ramblings of an old man.

Perry reports to Chief Barto about all that he’s found. Even though the papers and floppy disks seem to implicate Lois, it’s really Caroline who is behind all of the wrongdoing. Admitting that “that is the opposite of what I thought”, Barto vows to kill Caroline. Then Perry shows The Chief his mad knife skillz.

Pat Anderson is eating his favorite lunch when Caroline joins him. They compliment each other on how they both look but quickly start arguing like the old couple they used to be. Caroline admits that she has shivved 65 women in the prison shower alone, so he shouldn’t mess with her. He asks if Nipsey “knows” (presumably that he’s her father) and Caroline says that Nipsey will die not knowing, hinting that that may be soon. Pat offers his AARP card in exchange for Nipsey’s life. Caroline refuses, and Pat attacks her vowing to kill her. She fights the old man off.
Santiago and Lois are on a date playing Jarts and lamenting the loss of their just fertilized baby. Santiago wants to take Lois back home with him, but Lois tells him that’s impossible since she didn’t get pardoned. Santiago makes a vow that he will join Lois in prison just to be with her. She reminds him that it’s a women’s prison, and he says he’ll go AS A WOMAN! Then they can sell the rights as a hilarious screenplay.

Nipsey finds the Professor wearing a ski mask and asks if he’s been burned. He tells her about Black Rambo. She shows him the ultrasound of her hideous baby and asks the Professor if he’ll be there when the baby is born. He tells her he can’t, since he’ll probably go to jail by then. She offers to let The Professor live in her house and he can be her butler!

Pat Anderson goes to the Doctor to get his lumbar looked at. Then he asks the doctor if it’s possible to be turned into a robot. This is exactly the chance the young doctor has been looking for and rapidly agrees.

Caroline is hiding out in Michael Cash’s hospital room. Perry and Santiago (in a women’s wig) barge in. After a struggle, Santiago pulls his knife claiming “This Knife Is Cursed With The Ghosts Of A Thousand Mexicans!” and stabs Caroline. Just the Michael wakes up and screams “WTF!”

To Be Continued…

Season 15, Episode 7: The Rat and the Cat...acombs

Episode 7: The Rat & the Cat…acombs

In the aftermath of the basement explosion, Michael Cash was rummaging through the rubble in search of Nipsey and Pat Anderson. He was surprised to encounter an old friend…the talking rat Refuse V. Torvelson. As Michael explained that his friends might be dead, Refuse pointed out that the explosion had destroyed his home as well. Enraged by Refuse’s selfishness, Michael declared that the rat was no longer welcome at W.T. Friday’s. When Refuse pointed out that he’d never BEEN welcome at the restaurant, Michael replied that he was now double-unwelcome. They eventually arrived at an agreement: If Refuse used his powerful sense of smell to track Nipsey and Pat, Michael would allow him to live underneath the restaurant and bring him canned food.

Grief-stricken by Nipsey’s possible death, Perry Fippler was consoled by Santiago, who introduced him to the time-honored Mexican tradition of dealing with grief: Tequila. Tasting it, Perry observed that it tasted like a dead donkey’s butthole; Santiago explained that that was how it was aged. Perry lamented that he felt lost and abandoned, just like Sandra Bullock. Santiago suggested Perry work through his sorrow by role-playing as the Oscar-winning actress. Santiago got carried away with the charade, and began hitting on Perry just the way he would with the real Sandra Bullock: “If our lovemaking goes below 55 miles per hour, we’ll explode!”

Meanwhile, Lois was STILL tied up when the Professor heard her cries and found her. She explained that she had survived by chewing the same piece of gum for an entire week, though she had also soiled herself several times over. Being homeless, the Professor was able to withstand the smell as he freed her. Lois remembered that the Professor had shot Chief Barto in order to save her…but then he dragged away Barto’s body and didn’t come back. The Professor apologetically explained that he got caught up in Mass Effect 2 and forgot all about her.

As for Nipsey and Pat, they had survived the blast (thanks to Pat’s CIA training) and had made their way to Pat’s secret underground catacombs. Although Pat had lost the map to the surface, he could tell from the soil’s sulfur content that they must be near the restaurant. Pat assured Nipsey that he would get her back to the surface. (“I won’t let your child be born underground!” Pat mused how much Nipsey reminded him of his own daughter, who doesn’t even know he exists…much as Nipsey must feel towards her own father who she never knew. Nipsey did not get the hint.

Santiago had carried Perry to a singles bar to take his mind off his grief. Seeing a beautiful woman sitting by herself, Santiago encouraged Nipsey to talk to her…but knowing Perry’s tendency to ramble, he gave Perry an earpiece so he could guide her through the conversation Cyrano-style. Despite Santiago’s best intentions, Perry still rephrased all of Santiago’s lines into his usual Perry-speak. Perry began rambling about online videogames; much to his surprise, the woman understood exactly what he was talking about. She introduced herself as Cece, but added that her screen name is “Mylittlepony.” Recognizing her name from his games, Perry identified himself as “VHSNerd101.” Thrilled to meet a woman he could relate to in his own words, Perry removed the earpiece and began speaking for himself. Opening a bottle of 5-year donkey-ass tequila, Perry proposed a toast: “Here’s to meeting new friends…and pwning them.”

Lois was trying “Good Touch/Bad Touch” with Michael in his office, when Michael protested that he didn’t have time for their games anymore; he was too busy with his own physiotherapy and trying to get the restaurant back in order. Lois lamented that she was losing Santiago, and Michael pointed out that it might have something to do with the fact that she was sleeping with Michael. She countered that she was only doing so for revenge, and Michael wondered why they kept on sleeping together when neither of them enjoyed it. Lois complained that Michael had grown cold, and he replied that he had to make himself hard and cold to run a restaurant. Then he sentenced her to 20 lashes.

Searching for clues in the underground tunnels, Refuse V. Torvelson ran into the Professor, who was understandably freaked out by the sight of a talking rat. Refuse tried to allay the Professor’s fears, explaining that Michael had asked him to find Nipsey and Pat. Agreeing to help, the Professor climbed onto Refuse’s back and rode him off to the rescue.

Hopelessly lost in the catacombs, Pat Anderson took a Sudoko break as Nipsey complained about his incompetence. They got into a heated argument, ending with Pat asking where she inherited her temperament. He then suggested that they split up. When Nipsey pointed out that one of them would certainly die if they separated, Pat simply replied “Well, good knowing you.”

Perry went to Michael’s office and told him about his meeting with Cece. Michael asked if Cece had any experience as a server, since they needed a replacement for Nipsey. Perry was disturbed by the thought of replacing Nipsey, so Michael instructed him to take all his feelings for Nipsey, crush them into a little ball, and stick them up his ass for five years to make a fine tequila.

Wandering through the catacombs, the Professor found Nipsey. When she asked if he could find the way out, he informed her that they were directly underneath the W.T. Friday’s restroom. He reached up and dislodged the manhole cover, then asked “Wait, wasn’t there somebody with you?” Nipsey replied that she was alone.

Elsewhere in the catacombs, Pat encountered Refuse V. Torvelson. Stunned by the sight, Pat assumed he was having a “Charlotte’s Web” hallucination and asked “Templeton” to drag him to the surface. Although confused by Pat’s remarks, Refuse did as he asked.

At the dishwashing station, Lois confronted Santiago about his visit to the singles bar. As they argued, Lois blamed their strained relationship on the fact that she was a prisoner in this restaurant. Santiago suggested that she free herself by escaping through the catacombs.

As Nipsey and the Professor climbed back up into W.T. Friday’s, she thanked him for saving her. The Professor replied that he was going to continue saving her…he was prepared to do whatever it takes to make her life better, even if he had to take over the restaurant himself. Seeing Pat’s usual table empty, the guilt-ridden Nipsey confessed that Pat had indeed been with her in the catacombs. The Professor responded by replacing the manhole cover and saying “He can stay down there.”

Perry was showing Cece around the restaurant. She felt right at home, and mentioned that she was between jobs. Perry gave her a job interview, using D&D terminology. Cece rolled a 20-sided die, and successfully landed the position.

Underground, Pat asked Refuse to use his sense of smell to find Nipsey. After homing in on her scent, Refuse began to follow it, but was taken aback when Pat didn’t follow him. Pat explained that he couldn’t bear to face his daughter. (“I’d rather die a mystery to her than face her a failure.”) Refuse agreed to leave Pat behind, but swore he’d bring Nipsey back to him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Michael Cash, out of his coma, was sitting in his office when Nipsey came in. Michael explained that he was still incredibly weak…his body is falling apart, just like the restaurant. Nipsey informed him that, while he was incapacitated, none of the employees had been paid; Michael explained that he was too weak to lift a pen to sign the checks. He asked Nipsey to move his arm for him and sort-of forge his signature.

Perry Fippler was checking out the new skee-ball lanes for the upcoming tournament when Chief Barto declared that he had important news. Perry made a number of bizarre guesses before the frustrated Barto revealed that he was placing the restaurant under martial law. Barto locked the doors and informed Perry that he was now a Junior Deputy. Perry gratefully returned the favor by admitting Barto into his “Best Friends Club.”

Santiago was in prison (a women’s prison, actually) for killing Nipsey’s mother Caroline. Lois came to visit him, informing him that she’d made her way there by killing a truck driver and stealing his truck. Santiago observed that she probably shouldn’t be confessing to murder in front of the guards.

The Professor and Pat Anderson were trying to come up with team names for the skee-ball tournament, without much luck. The Professor suddenly realized that the upcoming Alley Rally would be coming through his alley “home,” setting off a Vietnam flashback.

As Lois helped Michael tie his necktie, he confronted her about the awful job she’d done while she was in charge of the restaurant. (Hot wings at the salad bar? Really?) Lois retorted that Michael should be grateful to her…she had brought him out of his coma by placing her baby in his body. Michael pointed out that this was a pretty half-assed miracle cure, since he still couldn’t move. Lois suggested that they hide his infirmity by using his desk as a wheelchair.

Chief Barto had transferred Santiago to the restaurant (since it was now pretty much a prison itself). He offered Santiago a chance to be his Senior Deputy, informing him that he’d be granted posthumous citizenship if he’s killed in the line of duty. Santiago eagerly accepted. Barto gave Santiago a gun and instructed him to shoot any patrons who try to come in.

At the salad bar, Nipsey told Perry that she couldn’t stand being cooped up in the restaurant (especially if it meant having to listen to Perry’s endless nonsensical ramblings). Perry resolved to end the martial law by finding out who killed Sam Friday (assuming that’s the reason for the lockdown).

Chief Barto assembled the restaurant staff to explain the reasons for his drastic action. Lois interrupted to explain that she needed to be set free before her cyst blows up. Barto was disgusted, but still refused to let her go. He resumed his explanation, pointing out that nobody was concerned about the many illegal acts that had occurred at the restaurant (Sam’s disappearance, several cut brake lines, a baby being bitten in half), and SOMETHING had to be done. Pat chided Barto for being so caught up in the past. Just then, the mayor called Barto on the yellow telephone and informed him that he was fired.

Later, the Professor was having a hobo-bath in the dishwashing station, explaining to Santiago that he was enjoying the martial law since it was keeping him indoors. Santiago worried that Barto had overstepped his bounds and made himself a target. Santiago resolved to protect Barto, even if it meant killing the mayor. The Professor replied that, if there’s any killing to be done, he’d be the best one to do it. Santiago handed over the gun.

Making the best out of a bad situation, Pat Anderson was passing the time by showing his photo albums to Lois. Lois was amazed by how handsome Pat had been in his youth, remarking that he looked like Andy Garcia. Pat launched into a lengthy monologue about Andy Garcia’s career…somehow segueing into a complaint about how Fran Tarkenton was underappreciated.

Mad with power, Chief Barto had tied Nipsey to a chair in the basement. He asked her to help him restore order to the restaurant, and she agreed.

BARTO: “Do you mean it, or are you just saying it so I won’t hit you?”
NIPSEY: “Both.”
BARTO: “I’ll accept that.”

Santiago met Perry in the poolroom. As they played, Santiago explained that the National Guard was going to kill Barto, and they needed to stop them. He asked Perry to go out and reason with the National Guard. When Perry asked what he should say, Santiago instructed him to “just do your thing.”

In the basement, Nipsey was still tied to the chair, but now Pat was tied up to another chair back-to-back with her…with a ticking time bomb at their feet. Faced with imminent death, Nipsey told Pat how much she’d always enjoyed his visits, and wished she’d told him sooner. Pat told her that she had a beautiful soul, declaring “You’re my Fran Tarkenton.”

Chief Barto now had Lois tied up, and was forcing her to watch footage of monkeys being loaded onto trucks. As he poked at her cyst (“Is that a parasitic twin?”), Lois declared that he’d become just as bad as her.

LOIS: “Look at yourself! Who’s the criminal now?”
BARTO: “Um, it’s still you.”

Michael crawled in and attempted to bring Barto back to his senses by singing the birthday song. Instead, the song just strengthened Barto’s resolve to save the restaurant from itself. Just then, the Professor arrived and declared that he had come to repay the favor that he owes Barto. Pulling out the gun, the Professor told Barto he was offering him the greatest favor of all…the chance to redeem himself. Barto responded by walking right up to the gun. The Professor fired.

The next day, Santiago and Perry were playing skee-ball and reflecting how thing had turned out. Perry had ended the siege by going out and talking about the PowerPuff Girls until the National Guard left in frustration. Perry was saddened by Barto’s death, but claimed that the Junior Deputy/Best Friend Club bond couldn’t be broken…he could call up Barto’s ghost at any time. Just then, they heard an explosion from the basement, and realized they’d forgotten all about Nipsey and Pat being tied up with the bomb.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 5: Santiago Kills Caroline

I had to work late and missed this episode, so I'll just briefly recap the important developments:

Santiago killed Caroline.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.