Episode 13: CG I, Robot
Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions confronted Babs Bunkler over her plans, telling her he wouldn’t let her take over the “circlus” (which he then defined as the circle of friends within the circus). When she made a move towards him, he was knocked down before she even made contact. She then proceeded to beat him up without ever touching him.
Meanwhile, Deb Henderson and Sasha were working out their own plan to kill Babs. They decided to wait outside Babs’ window, blending into the night be pretending to be animals: Sasha would be a lion, and Deb would be an eagle with a snake in her mouth. Then, Sasha would tear open Babs’ chest, pull out her implants, juggle them, and then rip out Babs’ heart and eat it on white bread.
The CGI robot Reggie told the CGI robot Viktoria about Babs’ latest orders for them: They were to fire the entire circus staff, and dig a pit for them to fall into on the way out. Viktoria agreed, then confessed that since learning her true nature, she felt a great hunger all the time…but now that she knows she’s not human, food does nothing for her.
Michel Jacquesonne was explaining (in mime) to Stoolts that Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman had been replaced by CGI robots. Stoolts figured that he might be able to defeat them, since his prosthetic legs make him sort of a cyborg. In fact, since his “robot” parts are wood, he’s the ORIGINAL cyborg. Michel compared Stoolts to the Trojan Horse, which gave him an idea on how to defeat Babs and her minions: Michel would hide inside Stoolts’ clown suit, then jump out and attack them.
Truck Tarkenton was in his workshop when Sealman came in, looking for CGI oil. Sealman confessed that he was not what he seemed…and he’d been programmed to do things he didn’t want to do.
Robbie was surprised to see Reggie still walking around, and apologized for mistreating him when he thought Reggie was dead. Reggie replied that there were no hard feelings, but fired Robbie anyway. Robbie protested that it was Babs’ influence that was making Reggie do this, but Reggie wouldn’t hear a bad word against her. When Robbie called Babs a “cooterscab,” the viciousness of the insult short-circuited Reggie. After collapsing, Reggie informed Robbie that there was one way to stop Babs: Robbie would have to get inside her mainframe.
Sasha and Michel ran into each other, and each explained their own plan to kill Babs.
Stoolts ran into Deb, who was practicing being an eagle. Stoolts explained that he was going to kill Babs with a plan right out of the Iliad. He then recounted a confused version of the myth of Icarus, only in his version, two women flew away by making wings out of their labia. Deb then explained her own plan, in which she would be riding on Sasha while holding a snake in her mouth. Stoolts marveled that her plan was more sexual than his own.
Babs Bunkler was lounging in her boudoir, rejoicing in her evil, when Sealman came in. He was ready to get nasty with her, but she worried that she wouldn’t be satisfied with desire that was only in his programming. She wanted him to want her of his own free will. Sealman used flowery praise to convince her that his passion was real, then embraced her—and immediately broke off. (“Well, I’m done.”)
Viktoria was gazing at the food in the snack car when Truck came in. Viktoria asked him how he felt about Babs’ plan to sell the circus. Taken aback (as this was the first he’d heard about it), Truck swore to stop her at all costs.
VIKTORIA: “So you would resort to violence?”
TRUCK: “Resort? It’s my first option!”
Since the threat against Babs had given Viktoria a reason to carry out her programming, Viktoria fired Truck, then carried him over to the pit. During the struggle, Truck’s hair fell off.
Deb found the maimed CGI-robot Reggie, who told her that he didn’t have much longer…he would soon be going to the Halls of Spielberg. He urged her to defeat Babs, and she assured him that there were all kinds of plans going on.
Robbie found the maimed Truck holding his hair in his hands. Robbie tried to reassure him that it could be reattached, but Truck knew it was too far gone. They paid tribute to Truck’s hair by singing Boyz II Men’s “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye.”
Babs Bunkler called Viktoria into her office, because she’d noticed that one of her robots was no longer responding on the monitor. Viktoria checked the computer, suggesting that Babs take a look at the Task Manager. When the computer still couldn’t find Reggie, Babs ordered Viktoria to go out and physically locate him, then put him on Extra Powerful Overload. Viktoria warned that this may drain the entire system, but agreed to do it if Babs would return the favor by installing the plug-in that would let Viktoria enjoy food once again. Babs did so, then gave Viktoria a SweeTart to test her taste buds. Viktoria was delighted to be able to taste again. Babs laughed uproariously at her little prank, as the “SweeTart” had actually been a Tums.
Sasha found Sealman and discovered that his skin was peeling off. Sealman explained that he was shedding like a snake, then went off on a lengthy extended metaphor. Sasha remarked “There’s a reason I don’t come to your poetry nights.”
Michel climbed into Stoolts’ suit, and the two of them practiced walking as one person. Michel figured that it would take them 18 years to get to Babs’ office.
Reggie’s spirit arose from his CGI body. He saw a kindly bearded man beckoning him into the light…Steven Spielberg. Spielberg’s voice informed Reggie that he had earned his reward: He would spend eternity at the bottom of the sea with Haley Joel Osment (which is where the movie should have ended). Prompted by this observation, Reggie asked what the deal was with that tacked-on ending, and Spielberg explained that sometimes, when you get too powerful, nobody will tell you when you’ve had a bad idea. Spielberg then asked if his pants made him look fat, and Reggie admitted that they did. Impressed by Reggie’s honesty, Spielberg granted him eternity at Spielberg’s right hand.
Robbie broke into Babs’ office Mission: Impossible style. Hovering over her computer, his plan was stymied when he couldn’t figure out how to get out of Task Manager.
The Stoolts/Michel duo ran into Deb, who explained that she couldn’t see Stoolts or Truck was going to cut her open. Stoolts suggested that she hide from Truck by getting into his suit. Since she already had a baby inside her, she’d be like a Trojan Horse inside another Trojan Horse.
Truck crawled over to Sasha, carrying his hair. He asked her to give his hair a proper funeral, since she had the only working toilet in the circus. She said a prayer over the hair, then flushed it. Truck lamented that he’d never have hair again, since he never learned how to grow it. As a show of solidarity, Sasha took off her own wig and gave it to him. As Truck put it on, he realized that he’d now gained Sasha’s acrobatic abilities. To repay her for her sacrifice, Truck peeled off his mustache and placed it on Sasha (who now had his mechanical prowess as well). Newly empowered, they set out to kill Babs.
Viktoria was preparing to put the system on Extra Powerful Overload when Sealman came in and asked him to stop. Sealman explained that, despite his programming from Babs, he didn’t want to see the circus destroyed.
Babs found Robbie in her office. To explain his presence, Robbie said he’d come to make a peace offering. He told her that he found her attractive, and he believed there was still a good person inside her. She admitted that there once had been, but she squelched her good side because it was so boring. Robbie reassured her that being good doesn’t have to be boring, then started seducing her by doing a striptease. While Babs was distracted by his dance, the Stoolts/Michel Trojan Horse arrived, followed by Truck, followed by the Deb/Sasha eagle-lion. Everybody attacked in a gruesome spectacle that ended with Sasha eating Babs’ heart on white bread.
TO BE CONTINUED…