Episode 2: In Which Blood and Other Fluids Are Spilled
In the Governor’s office, Sir Richard DeGranville was attempting to go over important tax matters, but Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett was too preoccupied by pondering the question of how bees can make both wax AND honey.
In the town square, Arnedict Barnold explained to Seth that he was trying to dissuade the colonists from fighting, because freedom is not worth dying for. “Freedom is totally free!” However, he was still collecting a tax on it.
At the Clermont Tavern, Princess Penelope lamented to the Widow Cocovin that her father, King George III, had left her behind in this filthy colony. Now, Penelope would have to work to earn her keep—a concept she had never experienced, but had always been curious about. The Widow Cocovin suggested that Penelope could work in the Tavern’s secret lounge, showing a little ankle (and perhaps even an elbow) for the gentleman patrons. Cocovin demonstrated by lifting her skirt a couple of inches, and Arnedict Barnold immediately rushed in and taxed her for lewdness.
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, freed from his wife Esmerelda, brought his steed Cacafuego in to Ridickolas Nickleby’s stable to be groomed—a full body wash with a happy ending. As they pondered what they would do with the resulting (ahem) discharge, Nickleby suggested that they collect the seed in Hector’s helmet, then prop it in a doorway to fall on some unsuspecting fool. Laughing over their planned prank, Nickleby and Gazpacho formed an immediate bond of friendship, and Nickelby shared his backstory: He had been captured by Washington’s troops while pursuing his escaped pet parakeet, and one of Washington’s men had ruthlessly slit his horse’s throat, then further humiliated Nickleby by forcing him to bathe in its blood. And the man who did that was Arnedict Barnold.
Seth paid a visit to the rebels’ headquarters, where Arnedict Barnold presented him with a gun in the shape of a horse. (“I invented it with my free thought!”) Seth was ready to join the revolution, but Barnold asked “How would you be free if you obeyed my orders? Screweth my orders!”
Sir Richard DeGranville entered the Governor’s office, upsetting the helmet full of horse seed propped in the doorway, which spilled upon his head. As DeGranville and Gwinnett tried to figure out what this substance was (“This isn’t honey…I’ve tasted this before…”), the Widow Cocovin entered and remarked “Wow, that’s a lot of semen.” Finding Hector’s name inscribed on the helmet, DeGranville swore revenge.
Later, in the secret gentlemen’s lounge of the Clermont Tavern, Princess Penelope auditioned for the Widow Cocovin. Instructed to show a little ankle, Penelope got carried away by the music and actually showed her calves as well. Cocovin told her that she now had to choose a stage name, by combining the name of Penelope’s first pet with the address where she first lived. Penelope was now “Fritz England.”
Hector “Macho” Gazpacho and Ridickolas Nickleby were laughing over their prank, when Arnedict Barnold came by to collect his freedom tax. Barnold threatened to kill Hector’s horse if he didn’t pay up. Nickleby attempted to defuse the situation, suggesting they settle it with a jump-rope-off (using Nickleby’s tether). However, when Hector stumbled on the first pass, Barnold made good on his promise by slashing Cacafuego’s throat. He then put his blade to Hector’s throat, but Hector laughed off Barnold’s threat: “Cut away, my friend! Cut away!” Much to Hector’s surprise, Barnold did.
In the Clermont Tavern’s lounge, Seth had come to see the debut of the new dancer “Fritz England.” Shortly afterwards, Arnedict Barnold joined him. Princess Penelope came out and began her routine, but soon found herself overtaken by the music and went farther than planned, stripping down to her corset. Seth, recognizing “Fritz England” as Penelope (due to her tattoo, which he remembered from the history books), urged her to put her dress back on and regain her dignity. He then berated the Widow Cocovin (“You’re a pimp! And not in a good way!”). With the Princess’ identity revealed, Arnedict Barnold presented her with the taxes he’d collected.
Sir Richard DeGranville and Governor Gwinnett were wandering through the woods, searching for Hector so that Richard could take his vengeance. Gwinnett was still going on about bees, wax, and honey.
Elsewhere in the woods, Ridickolas Nickleby knelt beside the mortally-wounded Hector. DeGranville arrived; seeing that he was too late to take his revenge, the disappointed DeGranville simply returned Hector’s helmet and stormed off in frustration. After DeGranville left, Hector instructed Nickleby to reach into his cape and pull out the bottle in his pocket, then told him to apply the water to his wound. Instantly, the water from the Fountain of Youth healed him. Nickleby then used the water to heal Cacafuego as well. Nickleby, amazed by the water’s miraculous powers, wondered why Hector was stuck in this rathole with such wonders at his disposal. Hector explained that he could do anything except one thing—swim. The Fountain water had left him unable to deal with common water, so he could not cross the ocean to return to Spain. (Nor could he bathe.) However, its other powers included granting Cacafuego the gift of flight, which he demonstrated by having Nickleby ride into the sky (until his tether ran out). Nickleby and Hector swore their eternal friendship—well, eternal until Nickleby dies and Hector lives on.
Princess Penelope was sitting alone in her poetry circle, waiting for her writing partner Seth. Arnedict Barnold arrived, but since he’s not on the roster, he had to leave (but not before confiscating one of her earrings for the freedom tax). Penelope sang her poem about being alone. Outside, Sir Richard DeGranville walked by, singing his own lonely song. As their songs blended together, DeGranville entered the room and they began talking. Seeing the human side beneath Richard’s scary demeanor, Penelope invited him to a weekend getaway, but he could not abandon his duty to the Governor. He sympathetically touched her shoulder, then realized he had been too forward. He offered to cut off his own hand to make up for it.
Seth came to Governor Gwinnett’s office for some fatherly (if moronic) advice. Seth explained that, since being stuck in the 18th century, he was trying his best not to change the past, but he worried that there could be horrific consequences to even the smallest things, like teaching everybody the high-five. Of course, this all went over Gwinnett’s head, but he was very upset that Seth hadn’t taught HIM the high-five. Gwinnett called in DeGranville and ordered him to take Seth to the torture dungeon until he reveals the secret of the high-five. Seth created a distraction (“Hey, what’s that over there?”) and escaped. Gwinnett forgot why he had ordered Seth captured in the first place.
TO BE CONTINUED…