Episode 1: In Which We Meet Our Players

Episode 1: In Which We Meet Our Players

In the office of His Majesty’s Governor Nigel Buttons Gwinnett, the Governor was wondering where all the dust on his desk was coming from. His right-hand man, the ruthless Richard DeGranville, explained that dust comes from shed skin cells, prompting the Governor to issue an decree outlawing skin-shedding. DeGranville pointed out a more pressing order of business—the impending visit by His Majesty King George III. Gwinnett suggested that they honor the King with a parade, with wagons covered in roses and oranges. He dispatched DeGranville to find that Spanish chap, Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, and have him smuggle in some oranges from Florida.

Meanwhile, the King arrived and paid a visit to his exiled daughter, Princess Penelope. He recounted a strange sight he had encountered on his way over: Clouds shaped like bunnies chasing clouds shaped like sharks, while saying something about “representation.” Penelope warned him that telling people about this would only fuel his reputation for madness, and she sang the popular “Crazy George” song.

At the Clermont Tavern, the tavern’s owner, the Widow Cocovin, and British prisoner-of-war Ridickolas Nickleby were showing the ropes to new employee Seth (a 21st-century high-school student who had been left behind on a time-traveling field trip). As Seth helped prepare for the King’s visit, he expressed his concern about how he would pay his way in this strange new (or rather, strange old) world. The Widow Cocovin assured him that she would repay his work with her kindness. And by “kindness,” she meant “vagina.”

General George Washington and his second-in-command, Arnedict Barnold, were going over strategy for the revolution. Appalled by Washington’s incompetence in not noticing a redcoat patrol, Barnold discovered the reason for Washington’s carelessness—a hemp pipe in the General’s coat. As Barnold lectured him, Washington launched into a stoned discourse about bees and bears.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho, a Spanish conquistador who had discovered the fountain of youth and had wandered the New World for 300 years, was strolling through the woods with his wife Esmerelda (who had not drunk from the fountain but had kept herself alive through sheer hatred). Esmerelda cast her runes and predicted that Hector would lose that which he desires most…and that she would be with him forever. Hector kicked away the runes.

King George III arrived at Governor Gwinnett’s office, beaming with pride on the upcoming parade. Richard DeGranville attempted to warn the King that the people were restless and that there was danger, but his explanation went over the King’s head. The Governor put it in terms that George could understand, by continuing the sharks-and-bunnies metaphor.

Seth was helping Ridickolas Nickleby run the printing press to make announcements for the King’s parade. Seth congratulated Nickleby by showing him how to do a high-five, then worried that he might have changed the future by doing so. General Washington came in to sneak a joint. Seeing Nickleby’s red coat, Washington wrestled him to the ground. Seth explained that they were printing leaflets for the King, but he had changed the portrait by drawing a killer biker ’stache on him—which was sure to blow people’s minds because nobody even knows what a biker is.

Hector “Macho” Gazpacho was strolling through the wood with his faithful steed, Cacafuego. Hector lamented that he had let eternal youth go to his head; he had gotten distracted from his mission to claim land for Spain, and now feared to return to his homeland. Richard DeGranville interrupted Hector’s soliloquy to demand a shitload of oranges.

Washington, Seth, and Nickleby were hanging around and getting high (while Arnedict Barnold stood by and disapproved). George complained about his strained relationship with Martha, while Seth regaled the others with spicy tales of 21st-century dating rituals (including shameless kissing). Nickleby, observing the shape of an oil lamp, invented the bong.

At the Clermont Tavern, Gov. Gwinnett and the King were sharing some brews, while Gwinnett warned George that he was in danger from George Washington. Smelling the King’s confusion from far away, Richard DeGranville rushed in and explained to the King that he is not the only “George” in the world. Finally catching on, the King proposed that they keep Washington away from the celebration by declaring it a “No Georges Allowed” event. When DeGranville pointed out that this would exclude the King from his own party, they changed it to “No Washingtons Allowed.”

Alone, dejected, and hideous, Esmerelda Gazpacho was wandering through the woods. Alone, dejected, and georgeous, Princess Penelope strolled by and introduced herself. When Esmerelda lamented that her husband would never give her a child, Penelope pointed out that the 300-year-old Esmerelda was unlikely to conceive in any case. Esmerelda countered that, despite her age, her womb was a juicy peach rather than a dried avocado. She recalled that she used to be the most beautiful maiden in her village, and was queen of the onion festival. Penelope offered to give Esmerelda a bath and a new dress so she could recapture her old glamour. Touched by her kindness, Esmerelda read Penelope’s future in some bird entrails, predicting that she would soon find love.

In Washington’s absence, Arnedict Barnold addressed the troops, urging them to surrender.

Richard DeGranville was guarding the door to the party when Hector “Macho” Gazpacho arrived, having failed in his quest for oranges. DeGranville proposed that Hector could make up for his failure by killing Washington, in return for which, DeGranville would kill Esmerelda for Hector. The rest of the guests arrived, including George Washington (who claimed to be Ridickolas’ cousin Jorge). George Washington’s eyes met Esmerelda’s, and they began making love right there in front of everybody. Washington’s disguise fell off during their passionate embrace. Before DeGranville could strike at the exposed General, Washington fled, declaring his love for Esmerelda as he escaped. Esmerelda pledged to wait for him, even for 300 more years.

TO BE CONTINUED…