It's SCANDAL!

Season 16, Episode 1: Braaains

2011-01-14T07:34:00.000-08:00

Last Week in SCANDAL!
Episode 1: Braaains

At Little Five Points Community College, Dean Richard Dickens instructed custodian Dewey McClain to clean up the graffiti that reads “Dean Dickens has a vagina.” As the Dean defensively insisted that he does NOT have a vagina, Dewey noticed the bandage on Dickens’ arm and asked what happened. The Dean explained that he was bitten by a capuchin monkey in the science lab, but said there was nothing to worry about. (“I had a dog lick it, it’ll be fine.”)

Meanwhile, Professor Walt Hancloskey was giving a chemistry lesson to overachiever Chester McClain (Dewey’s younger brother) and school mascot Herc Ampersand. After the lesson, Chester informed the Professor that he’d discovered some errors in the textbook and had corrected them. He then revealed that he’d devised a renewable energy resource for the school generators. Hancloskey agreed to go over Chester’s findings.

Running late for class, dance instructor Gerald Fender said goodbye to his wife Suzanne, resisting the powerful temptation to stay for breakfast and sweet lovin’ (as she was looking especially seductive in her fancy Snuggie). To make up for it, he told her he was going to bring some wine home for their anniversary.

After class, Chester and his girlfriend Chelsea Lightning were discussing their plans for the evening when Chester’s ex-girlfriend Samantha arrived. The already-awkward situation became even more uncomfortable when Chester noticed Samantha’s staggering gait, blank expression…and the fact that she didn’t have a pulse.

Professor Hancloskey met Dewey on the roof to ask for his assistance, explaining that some monkeys had escaped from the lab and gotten into the ventilation shafts. He asked Dewey to go into the vents and retrieve them, warning him to be careful because these weren’t just ordinary monkeys…they’re INFECTED monkeys.

Dean Dickens was driving home for lunch when he saw Chelsea walking by and offered her a ride. She was reluctant, but got in after the Dean reassured her that the allegations against him were unfounded. (“I never sold that Chinese kid to anybody!”) As they drove, the Dean ran over a small child shambling across the street. Hurriedly, the Dean backed over the body to render it unidentifiable. Chelsea was understandably horrified, but the Dean dismissed her protests when his victim got up and staggered away. Remembering her encounter with Samantha, Chelsea warned the Dean that strange things were happening. The Dean replied that the only strange thing that concerned him was the graffiti claiming he had a vagina. Chelsea admitted writing that message.

In dance class, Gerald Fender held auditions for his ballet “Flock of Geese.” Chester McClain performed an elaborate routine to showcase his vulnerability, while Herc Ampersand did a series of hip-hop moves. Gerald informed Herc that he could still be part of the show by carrying Chester’s dance shoes. (“While he’s wearing them?”)

Suzanne Fender was preparing her anniversary dinner while reading the Bible, when a zombie UPS man knocked on the door. As soon as she opened the door, more zombies swarmed in. She attempted to ward them off with her Snuggie, but was quickly overpowered.

“Forgetting” to drop off Chelsea, Dean Dickens brought her to his home and invited her to play a game of Boggle Jr. Still freaked out by the hit-and-run, Chelsea was further disturbed when she noticed the wound on the Dean’s arm. When the Dean once again dismissed her concerns, she started ranting that he never listens to anybody. He didn’t listen.

Crawling through the ventilation shafts to search for the monkey, Dewey pulled out the tool he most needed for the job: a can of PBR. Deep inside the vents, the monkey taunted Dewey, causing him to knock over his beer. Now it was REALLY on. The monkey’s chatter forced Dewey to acknowledge his drinking problem…but more importantly, their conversation had allowed Dewey to pinpoint the monkey’s position. Dewey lunged at the monkey.

In the science lab, Chester was informing Professor Hancloskey about the new biofuel he’d devised, using cellulite from the liposuction clinic. The Professor changed the subject, confessing that he’d been experimenting with some mail-order monkeys. After injecting one with a new formula, it turned purple and started saying “Gnap! Gnap!” Chester suspected there may be a connection to Samantha’s odd behavior. He put some cells he’d taken from Samantha and observed them under a microscope. He declared that the cells were dead, but regenerating.

Gerald Fender kept Herc after dance class to give him some extra assistance. Fender could see the talent hidden deep inside Herc, and he wanted to let it out by giving Herc the lead in his new Santa Claus ballet. Inspired, Herc lived up to his potential and became Dancer Claus.

Chelsea ran into the zombie Samantha, who lunged after her. Chelsea informed Samantha that she wasn’t into girls, and walked on.

Dewey crashed through the air vent and discovered that, instead of catching the monkey, he had fallen into the dance class and caught Herc. Dewey explained the situation, then suggested that they might be able to turn this outbreak to their advantage. With the big game coming up, Dewey could place a big bet while Herc throws the game. Herc was unclear how the mascot could throw a game, but agreed. Suddenly, the team’s star player Dylan shuffled by. As Dylan attacked, Dewey urged Herc to use his mascot-strength to crush Dylan’s skull.

Dean Dickens came to Professor Hancloskey’s lab for help with his monkey bite, and also to get a libido pill. Worried about the Dean’s condition, the Professor asked him for a urine sample and had him pee directly into the microscope. Examining the sample, Hancloskey confirmed that Dickens had the virus, which they named “the Monkey Boogaloo Flu.” Hancloskey instructed the Dean to quarantine himself in his office.

Chester and Chelsea met on the rooftop to discuss the impending zombie apocalypse. Chelsea suggested that they escape the carnage with a suicide pact, by boning each other to death. Chester replied that it would never work; he’s so good that it would kill her first, and he’d be left alone. She asked Chester if he loved her, and he immediately backed away. Hurt, Chelsea asked if this meant they were breaking up…and if so, she just might go off and have sex with a capuchin monkey.

Ignoring Hancloskey’s quarantine instructions, Dean Dickens drove Gerald Fender home for his anniversary dinner. Gerald entered his house and started singing a romantic song to Suzanne…who turned around, drooling blood and crying. Shocked, Gerald shouted to Herc for help. Herc immediately arrived and saw that Suzanne had become a zombie. Dean Dickens also rushed in and saw what needed to be done. Despite Gerald’s protests, the Dean bashed Suzanne over the head with his car’s steering wheel.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 16!

2011-01-12T07:59:00.001-08:00

First off, a belated apology for the abrupt ending on the Season 15 summaries...work conflicts made me miss the last two episodes, so I don't know how it ended either.

But now, a new season has started, and the summaries will now begin again! Hopefully without interruption this time.

Season 15, Episode 8: Exterminate!

2010-04-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

Episode 8: Exterminate!

Michael Cash called in the exterminator Francis Pinsky with a two-part job…first, he wanted Francis to kill the rat, Refuse V. Torvelson. The second pest he wanted eliminated…Perry Fippler.

In the catacombs underneath the restaurant, Refuse was tracking Nipsey’s distinctive scent (coconut and Febreze) when he got caught in a glue trap. He realized he would have to gnaw his leg off to escape.

At the hostess stand, Perry was talking with the new waitress Cece Rondino, flirting in geek-speak. Cece explained that she was treating her job like a videogame, doing her best to collect XP and level up. Perry replied that he hoped they could level up his penis later that night. In the shadows, Nipsey saw the whole thing.

Santiago and Lois were going over their getaway plan. Santiago revealed that he had always dreamed of going to Mount Kilimanjaro, just like in the Toto song. He informed Lois that once they escaped, they would be hunted down…the only way to keep the authorities from coming after her would be to fake her own death. However, Lois revealed that she was having second thoughts…now that W.T. Friday’s had gotten a new rolling salad bar, she was thinking of staying. Santiago said she would have to choose between him and the salad bar. She asked for ten minutes to decide.

Nipsey was sleeping, having Poe-like nightmares from her guilt over abandoning Pat Anderson in the catacombs. Refuse V. Torvelson found her and woke her up by nibbling on her feet. Refuse informed her that her father was trapped underground. Nipsey remembered all the hints Pat had dropped and realized that Pat was her father. She bandaged up Refuse’s leg and set off with him to find Pat, following the trail Refuse had left with his own droppings.

Meanwhile, Francis Pinsky was following the trail himself, when he found the Professor. Putting a knife to the Professor’s throat, he growled that he was looking for a rat. The Professor admitted that he had seen Refuse, but warned that he believed the rat had AIDS. Francis revealed that he himself had developed Rat-AIDS in the 1980s as a weapon to wipe out rodents…he’d taken the virus and dumbed it down to rat level. Francis asked the Professor what he was willing to do for $5. The Professor assumed he was talking about sex.

Pat Anderson was wandering through the catacombs when he got caught in a glue trap. He was just about to start gnawing his arm off when Nipsey and Refuse found him. Nipsey confessed that she knew he was her father, and he asked her forgiveness for not being there for her. Above them, Francis sprayed his Rat-AIDS gas through the manhole. As the gas flooded the catacombs, the trio attempted to escape. Realizing that one of them would have to stay behind, Refuse told Pat and Nipsey to save themselves…he would sacrifice himself for them.

Lois went to Michael’s office and found Perry there. She explained that she’d come to give Michael her two weeks’ notice. Changing the subject (as he usually did), Perry revealed that Chief Barto’s ghost had informed him that Nipsey was still alive. Stunned by this news, Lois decided to stay on for Nipsey’s sake. However, Perry told her that her resignation was now in the system and it was too late to take it back.

Santiago and Michael met secretly, as they were still “Silencio Brothers” over their mutual guilt in Sam Friday’s death. Santiago gave Michael his two weeks’ notice, infuriating Michael. (“Do you know how hard it’s going to be to find someone I can manipulate as easily as you?”) Santiago declared that, despite Michael’s threats, he was still determined to leave with Lois and the rolling salad bar.

Francis Pinsky came to Michael’s office to collect half his fee, explaining that he’d infected Refuse with Rat-AIDS. Michael protested that he wanted the rat dead NOW, not years from now…and he wanted to see the body as proof. Francis warned that this would cost extra…TWO DOLLARS extra.

Cece was going over her side-work when Nipsey came in and started throwing things around. Cece and Nipsey confronted each other over their longtime rivalry, as they’d ruined each others’ lives in high school. (“It was YOUR decision to have sex with the football captain on the field, Cece…I just told everybody to watch.”) When Nipsey accused Cece of stealing Perry from her, Cece countered that Nipsey had never wanted him in the first place. Nipsey warned Cece that if she took Perry, she’d better be prepared to take her baby as well…Nipsey was planning to abandon it with Perry and Cece.

Francis went underground to search for Refuse, finding the rat weakened but furious. (“You gave me Rat-AIDS! I have a terrible HMO!”) Taking hold of Refuse, Francis asked the rat what his greatest accomplishment was. Refuse reminisced about the time he found a delicious half-rack of ribs behind a Chili’s. Drawing a knife, Francis told Refuse to focus on that happy feeling. As Refuse tearfully broke into the baby-back ribs song, Francis slit the rat’s throat and then stabbed him viciously.

Perry and Santiago were sitting on the roof, trying to burst clouds with their minds. Perry pointed out one that looked like a rat; as he destroyed it, he remarked “I feel like an entire audience is booing me.” Perry then gave Santiago a membership card to his Best Friends Club, explaining that he was one of the only people Perry could talk to…especially since he saw Santiago kill Nipsey’s mother.

The Professor ran into Francis Pinsky, who now had Refuse’s body strapped to his belt. (“You are one scary fuck!”) Francis asked the Professor where Perry was, explaining that he was asking because old black men know everything, just like Morgan Freeman in that prison movie. The Professor was offended by the stereotype, but replied that he DID know that Perry could usually be found in Michael’s office. Realizing that Francis was going to kill Perry, the Professor was struck by a Vietnam flashback. The rush of killing came over him, and he asked if he could come along.

Pat Anderson returned to W.T. Friday’s and settled in at his old table. Lois came by with the rolling salad bar and fed him every vegetable they had, presenting them over-dramatically because it may be the last salad she ever serves. She explained that she was going away, though she couldn’t tell him where. Pat protested that if she left, he would lose his touchstone at the restaurant.

Lured by a note supposedly written by Cece, Perry entered an old shack where Francis Pinsky was waiting. Francis asked Perry about his greatest accomplishment, and Perry replied that he hadn’t done it yet. As Francis drew his knife, Perry realized what was happening, then started rambling about Death coming to get him like in those Final Destination movies. Francis pointed out that in those movies, Death always wins…then Francis stabbed him. Barely reacting, Perry asked who had hired Francis. Francis informed him that it had been Michael, then stabbed Perry yet again. Still not reacting (“Seriously, how are you not falling down?”), Perry answered his cell phone. After taking the call, Perry remarked “It’s my heart…it’s just given its two weeks’ notice.” Then Perry collapsed.

Meanwhile, Francis’ exterminating chemicals seeped through the sewers and combined with the sulfur in the soil. The compound made its way down to the swamp where it soaked into a long-forgotten body that had been dumped there…the body of Sam Friday. The abandoned corpse convulsed and revived, declaring “I’m back, Michael Cash…and I can’t wait to see you!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 5 (Recovered): Die Mommy Die!

2010-04-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

Although I wasn't there for episode 5, we were fortunate enough to have Lucky Yates as a guest summarizer. Here is the summary for the "lost episode" from a few weeks ago:

Episode 5: “Die, Mommy, Die!”

Nipsey went to the doctor to see if her baby is a boy or a girl but admits to him that she doesn’t have health insurance. He gives her a GOLDEN PAMPHLET which grants her insurance for 1 year. As she appears smitten with the young doc, he then informs her that after 18 tests, he has some bad news…her baby is hideously ugly. He looks at the sonograms and is struck temporarily blind..

The Professor and Lois are busking on the street, dancing a merry jig. The Professor is hopeful since he just asked the mayor for a pardon for killing Americans in Viet Nam instead of the Viet Cong. Lois shares that she too would like a pardon for the terrible unspoken things she’s done in her life. Thinking he has an in, The Professor skips with Lois back into the Mayor’s office to get her one too.

Caroline (Nipsey’s mother) attempts to help Santiago bus some dishes. He thinks she is making fun of her, but then she offers to buy him a cup of coffee. No one has ever offered this to him before, so he gratefully accepts. Over a lukewarm cup of leftover java, Santiago mournes the loss of his tiny fetus baby “Chris”. He vows revenge on whoever bit the poor thing’s head off saying he has memorized the bite radius of the culprit. As he busses the table he notices that the sandwich left on the plate is the bite he’s been looking for, and it belongs to Caroline!

Chief Barto and Perry are playing some mini golf when the Chief realizes that Perry has been cheating on the score card. While getting the crap kicked out of him, Perry asks the Chief if he’ll be his new best friend. And also that he’d like to be a Jr. Deputy. The Chief allows Perry to be his apprentice if he reads every file and floppy disk he’s been lugging around to solve a murder from the first episode. Perry happily accepts.

Pat Anderson goes to the hospital to check on Michael Cash, who is in a coma. Pat parays to the Corporate Restaurant Jesus top make his hero well again, when the dashing young doctor stumbles in blind. Pat and the doctor stumble around in search of some Braille charts so the doc can check on Michael’s status, but Pat becomes overwhelmed and collapses right into Michael’s crotch.

Perry is doing some Jr. Detecting in Michael’s office when Caroline enters, wearing a wire. They are in plain view of the Chief who is just outside the door. Lois enters trying to catch Caroline in an illegal act and closes the door, pissing off the Chief. Caroline fesses up that she needs freedom and money and asks Lois to kill Nipsey for the life insurance money. Lois offers to kill Caroline instead. Perry uncomfortably sneaks out of the office, having seen too much.

Perry goes to Santiago seeking help in the situation he just witnessed. Santiago reveals that he knows it was Caroline who bit the head off of his fetal baby. Santiago then whips out a knife, which is given to every Hispanic person at birth and vows revenge. Perry takes the knife and shows off his mad knife skillz, which amazes Santiago so much, he offers to take Perry to Mexico to compete in the Knife Olympics where the grand prize is Esmerelda- The Prettiest Burro in all Mexico. But first, they snap into action to get Caroline!

The Chief goes to the Professor’s shack to see if he’s heard anything from the mayor. The Professor is crying as he just received his letter of rejection. The Chief then tells The Professor that it doesn’t matter, he’s already pardoned in his heart. The Professor admits there’s only one thing that matters to him and that’s Nipsey. He pulls a gun and claims Black Rambo is Back!

Nipsey and Pat Anderson are having a heart to heart about parenthood. Pat admits that it’s all about making mistakes, and if you screw up really bad, you can always send the kid to vocational school. Nipsey then reveals that there is a problem with her baby, that it’s hideously ugly. Pat then tries to give a motivational speech, but it ends up spiraling into the confused ramblings of an old man.

Perry reports to Chief Barto about all that he’s found. Even though the papers and floppy disks seem to implicate Lois, it’s really Caroline who is behind all of the wrongdoing. Admitting that “that is the opposite of what I thought”, Barto vows to kill Caroline. Then Perry shows The Chief his mad knife skillz.

Pat Anderson is eating his favorite lunch when Caroline joins him. They compliment each other on how they both look but quickly start arguing like the old couple they used to be. Caroline admits that she has shivved 65 women in the prison shower alone, so he shouldn’t mess with her. He asks if Nipsey “knows” (presumably that he’s her father) and Caroline says that Nipsey will die not knowing, hinting that that may be soon. Pat offers his AARP card in exchange for Nipsey’s life. Caroline refuses, and Pat attacks her vowing to kill her. She fights the old man off.
Santiago and Lois are on a date playing Jarts and lamenting the loss of their just fertilized baby. Santiago wants to take Lois back home with him, but Lois tells him that’s impossible since she didn’t get pardoned. Santiago makes a vow that he will join Lois in prison just to be with her. She reminds him that it’s a women’s prison, and he says he’ll go AS A WOMAN! Then they can sell the rights as a hilarious screenplay.

Nipsey finds the Professor wearing a ski mask and asks if he’s been burned. He tells her about Black Rambo. She shows him the ultrasound of her hideous baby and asks the Professor if he’ll be there when the baby is born. He tells her he can’t, since he’ll probably go to jail by then. She offers to let The Professor live in her house and he can be her butler!

Pat Anderson goes to the Doctor to get his lumbar looked at. Then he asks the doctor if it’s possible to be turned into a robot. This is exactly the chance the young doctor has been looking for and rapidly agrees.

Caroline is hiding out in Michael Cash’s hospital room. Perry and Santiago (in a women’s wig) barge in. After a struggle, Santiago pulls his knife claiming “This Knife Is Cursed With The Ghosts Of A Thousand Mexicans!” and stabs Caroline. Just the Michael wakes up and screams “WTF!”

To Be Continued…

Season 15, Episode 7: The Rat and the Cat...acombs

2010-04-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

Episode 7: The Rat & the Cat…acombs

In the aftermath of the basement explosion, Michael Cash was rummaging through the rubble in search of Nipsey and Pat Anderson. He was surprised to encounter an old friend…the talking rat Refuse V. Torvelson. As Michael explained that his friends might be dead, Refuse pointed out that the explosion had destroyed his home as well. Enraged by Refuse’s selfishness, Michael declared that the rat was no longer welcome at W.T. Friday’s. When Refuse pointed out that he’d never BEEN welcome at the restaurant, Michael replied that he was now double-unwelcome. They eventually arrived at an agreement: If Refuse used his powerful sense of smell to track Nipsey and Pat, Michael would allow him to live underneath the restaurant and bring him canned food.

Grief-stricken by Nipsey’s possible death, Perry Fippler was consoled by Santiago, who introduced him to the time-honored Mexican tradition of dealing with grief: Tequila. Tasting it, Perry observed that it tasted like a dead donkey’s butthole; Santiago explained that that was how it was aged. Perry lamented that he felt lost and abandoned, just like Sandra Bullock. Santiago suggested Perry work through his sorrow by role-playing as the Oscar-winning actress. Santiago got carried away with the charade, and began hitting on Perry just the way he would with the real Sandra Bullock: “If our lovemaking goes below 55 miles per hour, we’ll explode!”

Meanwhile, Lois was STILL tied up when the Professor heard her cries and found her. She explained that she had survived by chewing the same piece of gum for an entire week, though she had also soiled herself several times over. Being homeless, the Professor was able to withstand the smell as he freed her. Lois remembered that the Professor had shot Chief Barto in order to save her…but then he dragged away Barto’s body and didn’t come back. The Professor apologetically explained that he got caught up in Mass Effect 2 and forgot all about her.

As for Nipsey and Pat, they had survived the blast (thanks to Pat’s CIA training) and had made their way to Pat’s secret underground catacombs. Although Pat had lost the map to the surface, he could tell from the soil’s sulfur content that they must be near the restaurant. Pat assured Nipsey that he would get her back to the surface. (“I won’t let your child be born underground!” Pat mused how much Nipsey reminded him of his own daughter, who doesn’t even know he exists…much as Nipsey must feel towards her own father who she never knew. Nipsey did not get the hint.

Santiago had carried Perry to a singles bar to take his mind off his grief. Seeing a beautiful woman sitting by herself, Santiago encouraged Nipsey to talk to her…but knowing Perry’s tendency to ramble, he gave Perry an earpiece so he could guide her through the conversation Cyrano-style. Despite Santiago’s best intentions, Perry still rephrased all of Santiago’s lines into his usual Perry-speak. Perry began rambling about online videogames; much to his surprise, the woman understood exactly what he was talking about. She introduced herself as Cece, but added that her screen name is “Mylittlepony.” Recognizing her name from his games, Perry identified himself as “VHSNerd101.” Thrilled to meet a woman he could relate to in his own words, Perry removed the earpiece and began speaking for himself. Opening a bottle of 5-year donkey-ass tequila, Perry proposed a toast: “Here’s to meeting new friends…and pwning them.”

Lois was trying “Good Touch/Bad Touch” with Michael in his office, when Michael protested that he didn’t have time for their games anymore; he was too busy with his own physiotherapy and trying to get the restaurant back in order. Lois lamented that she was losing Santiago, and Michael pointed out that it might have something to do with the fact that she was sleeping with Michael. She countered that she was only doing so for revenge, and Michael wondered why they kept on sleeping together when neither of them enjoyed it. Lois complained that Michael had grown cold, and he replied that he had to make himself hard and cold to run a restaurant. Then he sentenced her to 20 lashes.

Searching for clues in the underground tunnels, Refuse V. Torvelson ran into the Professor, who was understandably freaked out by the sight of a talking rat. Refuse tried to allay the Professor’s fears, explaining that Michael had asked him to find Nipsey and Pat. Agreeing to help, the Professor climbed onto Refuse’s back and rode him off to the rescue.

Hopelessly lost in the catacombs, Pat Anderson took a Sudoko break as Nipsey complained about his incompetence. They got into a heated argument, ending with Pat asking where she inherited her temperament. He then suggested that they split up. When Nipsey pointed out that one of them would certainly die if they separated, Pat simply replied “Well, good knowing you.”

Perry went to Michael’s office and told him about his meeting with Cece. Michael asked if Cece had any experience as a server, since they needed a replacement for Nipsey. Perry was disturbed by the thought of replacing Nipsey, so Michael instructed him to take all his feelings for Nipsey, crush them into a little ball, and stick them up his ass for five years to make a fine tequila.

Wandering through the catacombs, the Professor found Nipsey. When she asked if he could find the way out, he informed her that they were directly underneath the W.T. Friday’s restroom. He reached up and dislodged the manhole cover, then asked “Wait, wasn’t there somebody with you?” Nipsey replied that she was alone.

Elsewhere in the catacombs, Pat encountered Refuse V. Torvelson. Stunned by the sight, Pat assumed he was having a “Charlotte’s Web” hallucination and asked “Templeton” to drag him to the surface. Although confused by Pat’s remarks, Refuse did as he asked.

At the dishwashing station, Lois confronted Santiago about his visit to the singles bar. As they argued, Lois blamed their strained relationship on the fact that she was a prisoner in this restaurant. Santiago suggested that she free herself by escaping through the catacombs.

As Nipsey and the Professor climbed back up into W.T. Friday’s, she thanked him for saving her. The Professor replied that he was going to continue saving her…he was prepared to do whatever it takes to make her life better, even if he had to take over the restaurant himself. Seeing Pat’s usual table empty, the guilt-ridden Nipsey confessed that Pat had indeed been with her in the catacombs. The Professor responded by replacing the manhole cover and saying “He can stay down there.”

Perry was showing Cece around the restaurant. She felt right at home, and mentioned that she was between jobs. Perry gave her a job interview, using D&D terminology. Cece rolled a 20-sided die, and successfully landed the position.

Underground, Pat asked Refuse to use his sense of smell to find Nipsey. After homing in on her scent, Refuse began to follow it, but was taken aback when Pat didn’t follow him. Pat explained that he couldn’t bear to face his daughter. (“I’d rather die a mystery to her than face her a failure.”) Refuse agreed to leave Pat behind, but swore he’d bring Nipsey back to him.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

2010-04-02T08:35:00.000-07:00

Episode 6: Martial Lawlessness

Michael Cash, out of his coma, was sitting in his office when Nipsey came in. Michael explained that he was still incredibly weak…his body is falling apart, just like the restaurant. Nipsey informed him that, while he was incapacitated, none of the employees had been paid; Michael explained that he was too weak to lift a pen to sign the checks. He asked Nipsey to move his arm for him and sort-of forge his signature.

Perry Fippler was checking out the new skee-ball lanes for the upcoming tournament when Chief Barto declared that he had important news. Perry made a number of bizarre guesses before the frustrated Barto revealed that he was placing the restaurant under martial law. Barto locked the doors and informed Perry that he was now a Junior Deputy. Perry gratefully returned the favor by admitting Barto into his “Best Friends Club.”

Santiago was in prison (a women’s prison, actually) for killing Nipsey’s mother Caroline. Lois came to visit him, informing him that she’d made her way there by killing a truck driver and stealing his truck. Santiago observed that she probably shouldn’t be confessing to murder in front of the guards.

The Professor and Pat Anderson were trying to come up with team names for the skee-ball tournament, without much luck. The Professor suddenly realized that the upcoming Alley Rally would be coming through his alley “home,” setting off a Vietnam flashback.

As Lois helped Michael tie his necktie, he confronted her about the awful job she’d done while she was in charge of the restaurant. (Hot wings at the salad bar? Really?) Lois retorted that Michael should be grateful to her…she had brought him out of his coma by placing her baby in his body. Michael pointed out that this was a pretty half-assed miracle cure, since he still couldn’t move. Lois suggested that they hide his infirmity by using his desk as a wheelchair.

Chief Barto had transferred Santiago to the restaurant (since it was now pretty much a prison itself). He offered Santiago a chance to be his Senior Deputy, informing him that he’d be granted posthumous citizenship if he’s killed in the line of duty. Santiago eagerly accepted. Barto gave Santiago a gun and instructed him to shoot any patrons who try to come in.

At the salad bar, Nipsey told Perry that she couldn’t stand being cooped up in the restaurant (especially if it meant having to listen to Perry’s endless nonsensical ramblings). Perry resolved to end the martial law by finding out who killed Sam Friday (assuming that’s the reason for the lockdown).

Chief Barto assembled the restaurant staff to explain the reasons for his drastic action. Lois interrupted to explain that she needed to be set free before her cyst blows up. Barto was disgusted, but still refused to let her go. He resumed his explanation, pointing out that nobody was concerned about the many illegal acts that had occurred at the restaurant (Sam’s disappearance, several cut brake lines, a baby being bitten in half), and SOMETHING had to be done. Pat chided Barto for being so caught up in the past. Just then, the mayor called Barto on the yellow telephone and informed him that he was fired.

Later, the Professor was having a hobo-bath in the dishwashing station, explaining to Santiago that he was enjoying the martial law since it was keeping him indoors. Santiago worried that Barto had overstepped his bounds and made himself a target. Santiago resolved to protect Barto, even if it meant killing the mayor. The Professor replied that, if there’s any killing to be done, he’d be the best one to do it. Santiago handed over the gun.

Making the best out of a bad situation, Pat Anderson was passing the time by showing his photo albums to Lois. Lois was amazed by how handsome Pat had been in his youth, remarking that he looked like Andy Garcia. Pat launched into a lengthy monologue about Andy Garcia’s career…somehow segueing into a complaint about how Fran Tarkenton was underappreciated.

Mad with power, Chief Barto had tied Nipsey to a chair in the basement. He asked her to help him restore order to the restaurant, and she agreed.

BARTO: “Do you mean it, or are you just saying it so I won’t hit you?”
NIPSEY: “Both.”
BARTO: “I’ll accept that.”

Santiago met Perry in the poolroom. As they played, Santiago explained that the National Guard was going to kill Barto, and they needed to stop them. He asked Perry to go out and reason with the National Guard. When Perry asked what he should say, Santiago instructed him to “just do your thing.”

In the basement, Nipsey was still tied to the chair, but now Pat was tied up to another chair back-to-back with her…with a ticking time bomb at their feet. Faced with imminent death, Nipsey told Pat how much she’d always enjoyed his visits, and wished she’d told him sooner. Pat told her that she had a beautiful soul, declaring “You’re my Fran Tarkenton.”

Chief Barto now had Lois tied up, and was forcing her to watch footage of monkeys being loaded onto trucks. As he poked at her cyst (“Is that a parasitic twin?”), Lois declared that he’d become just as bad as her.

LOIS: “Look at yourself! Who’s the criminal now?”
BARTO: “Um, it’s still you.”

Michael crawled in and attempted to bring Barto back to his senses by singing the birthday song. Instead, the song just strengthened Barto’s resolve to save the restaurant from itself. Just then, the Professor arrived and declared that he had come to repay the favor that he owes Barto. Pulling out the gun, the Professor told Barto he was offering him the greatest favor of all…the chance to redeem himself. Barto responded by walking right up to the gun. The Professor fired.

The next day, Santiago and Perry were playing skee-ball and reflecting how thing had turned out. Perry had ended the siege by going out and talking about the PowerPuff Girls until the National Guard left in frustration. Perry was saddened by Barto’s death, but claimed that the Junior Deputy/Best Friend Club bond couldn’t be broken…he could call up Barto’s ghost at any time. Just then, they heard an explosion from the basement, and realized they’d forgotten all about Nipsey and Pat being tied up with the bomb.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 5: Santiago Kills Caroline

2010-04-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

I had to work late and missed this episode, so I'll just briefly recap the important developments:

Santiago killed Caroline.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Season 15, Episode 4: Mother and Child Reunion

2010-03-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

Episode 4: Mother and Child Reunion

The Professor, Chief Barto, and Patrick Anderson were STILL in a stand-off in the alley, with Barto and Pat confronting the Professor about his work for the Viet Cong (who gave the Professor the nickname “The Black Rambo”). The Professor admitted his past, but said that he still needed to call in a favor from Barto…he needed Barto to kill “the retard” (meaning Perry Fippler). Barto was appalled that, after killing Americans, the Professor would ask him to kill yet another American (and a mentally disabled one at that).

Nipsey was going over the online gift registry for her baby when she got a surprise visitor…her mother Caroline, whom she hadn’t seen in 20 years! Caroline explained that she’d been working on the space station for all these years, but they let her out once she found the cure for cancer. Nipsey was upset with Caroline for abandoning her in a puddle when Nipsey was 9, but Caroline explained that she just wanted her daughter to be a survivor. Caroline wanted to be a family with Nipsey once again, and hoped that Nipsey would name her baby after her (even though it’s a boy). Nipsey agreed to give her mother a chance, but warned that if Caroline disappointed her, she was prepared for matricide.

Perry went to the hospital to see the comatose Michael Cash. The doctor informed Perry that Michael had suffered “a bad boo-boo in his head.” He explained that Michael could hear what was said to him, but in his unconscious state, his mind might interpret Perry’s words in a nightmarish manner. Perry replied that he would be careful not to talk about scary things, like vampires and monsters…then went on and on and on about vampires and monsters. He then assured Michael that he would make sure Michael was awake in time for Perry and Nipsey’s wedding, even if he had to give up an organ to do it.

Elsewhere in the hospital, Santiago and Lois were waiting for news from the doctor. The doctor arrived and informed them that they’d lost the baby…in fact, he had it right there in his pocket. As Santiago cried hysterically, Lois melodramatically bemoaned that everything she touches goes wrong. Suddenly, Lois was struck by an idea: They could use the baby’s tissue to save Michael. Rather than go through all the red tape, they decided to sneak into Michael’s room and slip the baby into his IV.

The Professor placed a long-distance call to Vietnam, asking them to send over his REAL file…the one that would prove he was really a heroic double agent for the US. Thrilled to hear from “The Black Rambo,” the Vietnamese consulate acceded to his wishes.

Nipsey was helping her mother move in, while bringing Caroline up to date about her relationship with Perry. Caroline resolved to make up for lost time by being the best mom ever…until the baby comes, when Nipsey becomes the best mom. On the subject of family, Nipsey wanted to know about her own father, but Caroline refused to tell her anything about him.

Perry, Santiago and Pat were preparing a farewell song in case Michael doesn’t make it. Perry and Pat asked Santiago to compose a number in salsa style. Santiago informed them that, to be true to the salsa spirit, they must hoist him onto their shoulders as he sings. Perry accidentally gripped too high on Santiago’s inner thigh (if you know what I mean), causing Santiago to hit a high note.

The Professor attempted to explain himself to Chief Barto, but Barto refused to listen; when the Professor tried to give him the real file, Barto get-some’d it out of the Professor’s hands. The Professor said that he would lay down his life for Barto…if he could, he would pull out his own entrails and make them into a path leading to a magical place where everything was all right between them. Simultaneously touched and nauseated by the Professor’s speech, Barto embraced his old partner.

Caroline ran into Lois in the cereal aisle of the Publix. Furious, Caroline accused Lois of betraying her. Lois tried to get Caroline’s sympathy by showing Caroline her baby. Caroline responded by biting its head off. As the argument continued, the truth came out…Caroline had NOT been curing cancer on the space station all these years; she had really been in prison with Lois. When Lois got out on a work-release program to work at W.T. Friday’s, Caroline felt double-crossed and busted out. Caroline demanded to switch places with Lois…and she also insisted that Nipsey must never know the truth about her criminal past.

In Michael’s room, Santiago distracted the doctor by throwing tongs at him, then made a fake intercom announcement calling him to the second floor. Alone with Michael, Santiago confessed that he was responsible for Michael’s condition…he was so jealous over Michael’s affair with Lois that he cut his brake lines again. When the doctor returned, tongs in hand, Santiago explained his idea to implant the baby into Michael. The doctor prepared to put it in with the tongs, like a life-sized game of Operation. Santiago warned him not to touch the sides or the buzzer would go off.

Nipsey told Perry that she wanted to name their son Caroline, after her mother. They agreed that, with a name like Caroline and parents like them, their son would be sure to have a well-adjusted, problem-free childhood.

In the Jungle Room, Pat and the Professor were playing cards. Pat was glad to see that the Professor had renounced his Communist past and embraced capitalism in its purest form: gambling. They talked about changing their lives, and suggested forming a Coalition of the Changing. The Professor then changed the subject to Nipsey and Perry’s relationship; the Professor couldn’t stand to think of Nipsey marrying a “retard,” and swore not to let it happen. Pat somehow got the idea that the Professor was going to recruit Nipsey into the porn industry.

Caroline went to Chief Barto with a file full of evidence against Lois (explaining that she found it in a storage facility). Caroline explained that this proved Lois’ responsibility in a notorious kidnapping 20 years ago. Overwhelmed, Barto resolved to bring Lois to justice. Caroline offered to wear a wire. Barto said he hadn’t even begun an investigation yet, but Caroline kept on offering to wear a wire until he agreed to let her. Caroline did a happy dance.

Pat, Perry, and Santiago gathered around Michael’s bedside to sing their farewell song. For the full effect, the three of them climbed onto the bed and rocked back and forth as they sang. The doctor entered, took one look at the situation, and left.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 3: Hate-Crush

2010-03-12T09:25:00.000-08:00

Episode 3: Hate-Crush

Michael Cash arrived in his office to find Lois waiting for their liaison (one of her demands when they renegotiated her contract). Feeling used, Michael reminded her that she could only have his body, not his heart. Suddenly, he noticed a note on his desk reading “I Know What You Did.”

Assistant night shift supervisor Perry Fippler was alphabetizing the tea when Nipsey came in with the news that she was late. Checking his watch, Perry replied that she was right on time. She explained that she wasn’t talking about work…she meant she’s pregnant. Perry was thrilled, though he warned her that his genetics meant there was a 1 in 10 chance that the baby would have lobster claws. He envisioned their life together as a family, but Nipsey wanted no part of his fantasy future.

Santiago came to the dishwashing station only to be ambushed when Patrick Anderson sprung out from underneath the sink. Pat was determined to get to the bottom of Sam Friday’s disappearance, and tried to force Santiago into cooperating by taking his washbin.

The Professor and Chief Cornelius Barto were reminiscing about their old times on the force. Barto told the Professor that he owed him a big favor for taking the fall for him years ago…if need be, he could even have someone killed for the Professor. As the Chief praised the Professor’s heroism in Vietnam, the Professor reluctantly admitted that he fought not for America, but for the Viet Cong.

Michael was trying to go over some reports with Perry, but Perry’s mind was elsewhere. When Perry explained that he was thinking about his night with Nipsey (and trying to recreate her “tugboat” orgasm noise), Michael congratulated him on getting lucky…not only with Nipsey, but with his new promotion from assistant night shift supervisor to official night shift supervisor.

Nipsey brought out some scraps to the Professor’s alley, then confessed that she was pregnant with Perry’s child…and that it might have lobster-claws. The Professor informed her that this could be a blessing in disguise. He explained that Perry was secretly wealthy, so if she married him and something happened to him, she’d get a lot of money. He then remarked that he knows somebody who owes him a favor and could have Perry killed.

Devastated by the Professor’s confession, Chief Barto lashed out, turning over tables and breaking dishes. He handed his gun to Pat Anderson and told Pat to put him out of his misery, since he couldn’t live with the shame of his mentor being a Communist. Pat suggested that they kill the Professor instead, by doing what they do best…undercover work.

Santiago and Lois were having a picnic outside the restaurant, as she recalled the picnics she and her family took when she was five years old…and her father told her to go down to the creek with a stranger. Santiago consoled her by giving her a Capri Sun. She told Santiago about her affair with Michael, explaining that she didn’t like him, but must exploit him. Despite the fact that it was a “hate-crush,” Santiago was still jealous. He confessed to Lois that he was attracted to her because she’s dangerous, and could kill him at any moment.

Disguised as elderly businessman tourists, Barto and Pat infiltrated the Professor’s alley. The Professor mistook them for fellow bums, offending Pat. Fed up, Barto pulled off his sunglasses and drew his gun, threatening to kill the Professor if he didn’t leave the country. In response, the Professor walked right up to Barto’s gun.

Nipsey and Perry went to the salad bar and asked Lois to be their child’s godmother. (“All I want is for our child to get spiritual advice from a convict.”) Lois agreed, then revealed that she was pregnant as well. They all hugged.

Michael and Santiago met to discuss their “Silencio Brothers” agreement to keep Sam Friday’s death a secret. Michael confessed that he had told Perry, while Santiago admitted that he had told Nipsey. Santiago admitted another secret…he had slept with Lois (prompting Michael to ask “WHY?”). Michael cried that he wished it was him lying in the swamp instead of Sam.

The next morning, Pat, Barto, and the Professor were still frozen in their stand-off. Barto finally dropped his gun, crying that he couldn’t kill his mentor. The Professor confessed that, while he did fight for the Viet Cong, he did it only as part of a deep-cover operation.

Perry, Nipsey, Lois and Santiago were being all glowy in their impending parenthood (slightly puzzled that Lois’ pregnancy was advancing faster than Nipsey’s). Perry was a little freaked out that Nipsey was now being nice to him, but he was reassured when he saw the hate hidden in her eyes. She confessed that she and the Professor were considering a plan to kill him. Perry was pleased that their relationship was back to normal. Santiago and Lois awkwardly excused themselves.

Leaving the restaurant, Michael discovered that his brakes weren’t working. His car crashed as he cried out “What the Friday’s?!”

In the alley, the Professor explained that while he had infiltrated the Viet Cong under orders, he still didn’t deserve to live. Pat remarked “So we’re all in agreement.”

The restaurant staff returned to Michael’s office from the hospital, carrying his remains in a pan. They discussed the future of W.T. Friday’s, wondering who should be in charge now. After they agreed that Perry was most qualified, they found a note from Michael on the desk. Michael wrote that he feared that somebody was out to get him, and if something should happen to him, he was leaving the restaurant to the one person he could trust—Lois! Just then, Lois’ water broke.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

2010-03-05T13:27:00.000-08:00

Episode 2: The Weird and the Wired

W.T. Friday’s manager Michael Cash was going over last night’s business with Perry Fippler, when Perry noticed a stain on Michael’s desk. Thinking it was chocolate, Perry tasted it, then realized it was blood. Michael attempted to explain the bloodstain by claiming that he’d been holding dogfights in his office, but finally admitted that Sam Friday was dead and that he’d thrown Sam’s body into the swamp.

Nipsey the waitress brought some dishes to the dishwasher Santiago, who appeared distracted. Guilt-ridden over his part in Sam’s death, Santiago asked Nipsey if she’d ever made a huge mistake. She confessed that she’d accidentally killed her brother in high school. (“It was a slumber party that got out of hand. He went to freeze a girl’s bra, and wound up hanging from the ceiling fan.”) Moved by her confession, Santiago admitted that he’d cut the brakes on Michael’s car, thinking it would just result in a slapstick chase.

Police Chief Cornelius Barto was having dinner with Patrick Anderson, explaining that budget cuts had forced the chief to work out of the restaurant. They reminisced about Pat’s days on the force, when he worked undercover and earned the nickname “Deep Beard.” Cornelius asked Pat to return to the job and track down Sam Friday.

Having switched places for a week, Lois and the Professor were comparing notes; he’d never realized how complex her salad-bar job actually was. The Professor wanted to switch back, but Lois would rather stay homeless than go back to work in the restaurant…mainly because she just couldn’t take the birthday song any more. Finally, they agreed to go back to their original positions. The Professor informed her that his fortunes should soon be changing…he’d used the ’80s cell phone to call his past self and told him to invest in Apple. The Professor figured his new past should be catching up with him any second now.

While doing her closing tasks, Nipsey noticed that Michael appeared troubled. He asked if she believed that time heals all wounds, and she replied that she lived by those words…she even had a tramp-stamp tattoo of her motto. He told her about all the problems he’d been having with the restaurant, and she assured him “If you need to dump on someone, I’m here for you.” Misunderstanding, Michael said he didn’t know she was into that.

Santiago went out to the alley and found the Professor, who explained that this alley is his summer home. Santiago envied his living arrangements, revealing that he shared an apartment with 25 other people. (“We sleep in bunk beds with no beds.”) The Professor sympathized, saying that he knew what it was like to be a stranger in a strange land. (“I fought in Vietnam…not for America.”)

Chief Barto greeted Lois at the salad bar, recognizing her from her time in prison. He asked her how many people she’d killed lately, but she informed him that she’d resisted the temptation to kill the customers. She picked up Barto’s yellow phone, but he warned her that this phone calls anybody in the government except the President. (“Because that would be the red phone”) Lois made a prank call to the Surgeon General, then reminisced about the time Barto came into her cell and shanked her. Barto confessed that that wasn’t a knife…it was just that his penis had been sharpened in a horrible accident. They quickly changed the subject.

Noticing that a kitchen hose had been unwound, Perry followed it to find Pat washing his car in the parking lot. When Perry informed Pat that he was using the restaurant’s water, Pat went off on a rant about water belonging to everybody, then switched gears by accusing Perry of killing Sam. When Pat described Sam as “harmless as a Teddy Ruxpin,” Perry recalled the time he put a Weird Al Yankovic tape in his Teddy Ruxpin, explaining at length who Weird Al is. Perry then noticed that Pat was wearing a wire, and started following the cord back to its source.

After closing time, Michael, Pat, and Santiago were playing a friendly game of cards…which stopped being friendly when Pat remarked on Santiago’s accent and accused him of being from Belize. Just then, Perry came in following the wire; realizing he’d just traced it back to Pat, he left. As Pat tried to press Michael and Santiago for information on Sam’s disappearance, Michael warned him to stop snooping or he’d revoke Pat’s senior discount.

Nipsey and Lois were having a Girls’ Night In when Perry arrived, following the wire. Nipsey asked Perry if he’d ever been to a slumber party before; he replied that he had, but he wound up hanging from the ceiling. As Lois reminisced about the slumber parties of her youth, Perry pushed her out of the room so he could be alone with Nipsey. He began reading her a speech he’d prepared for their wedding, then broke down in tears.

Chief Barto greeted the Professor. The Professor lamented that his attempt to change the past had failed…turned out the phone really was just a phone FROM the ’80s, not TO the ’80s. The Professor and the Chief reminisced about their past as partners, until it all went bad. The Professor took the fall and got kicked off the force, leaving it open for Barto to become Chief. Barto offered to reinstate the Professor and put him on the Sam Friday case. (“We need men like you, who don’t expect to be paid.”)

Michael called Lois to his office for her evaluation, informing her that she’s the best employee he has. She replied that she didn’t want a raise or promotion…she just wanted to go back to jail. Michael replied that he knew she hated it here, but the restaurant needed her. (“Without you, these people would have no salads!”) He offered to renegotiate her contract, asking what it would take to make her want to stay. Lois started thinking…

Santiago was about to start his car when Pat popped up in the back seat. Just then, Perry came along following the wire, then left in a huff when he saw he’d just come back to Pat again. Pat explained to Santiago that he was trying to frustrate Perry into confessing. Pat then tried to get Santiago to admit his part in the cover-up by bribing him with a dollar.

Nipsey woke up to the sound of Perry singing “Like a Surgeon.” Realizing that she’d spent the night with Perry, Nipsey was appalled by her mistake…even moreso when Perry mentioned that they hadn’t used protection. Nipsey insisted that she could never be drunk enough to sleep with Perry, and demanded to know what had happened. Perry explained that he’d read her some of his love poems, which made her lose control. (“My poetry is like Rohypnol.”) He then began reciting another verse.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 15, Episode 1: Welcome to W.T. Friday's!

2010-02-25T08:54:00.000-08:00

A new season of SCANDAL! has begun...this time set in the wild, cutthroat world of the restaurant industry!

Last Week in SCANDAL!
Episode 1: Welcome to W.T. Friday’s!

Michael Cash, manager of the popular restaurant W.T. Friday’s, was holding a meeting with the assistant night shift supervisor Perry Fickler, to discuss the lengthy list of suggestions from Sam Friday (grandson of founder W.T. Friday). Among Sam’s recommendations, he urged them to replace the urinal cakes more often. Michael furiously protested that they couldn’t afford such extravagance, until Perry calmed him down by offering him a Mountain Dew.

Lois, a convict who had been assigned to the salad bar as part of her work-release program, was washing dishes when Santiago the busboy arrived. When Santiago pointed out that she was doing his job, Lois suggested that he just supervise her as she finishes. Thrilled by his unexpected (and unauthorized) promotion to supervisor, Santiago went power-mad and immediately issued a performance evaluation. Lois then began flirting with him.

Nipsey the waitress approached local “street entrepreneur” The Professor to discuss the recent car break-ins in the restaurant parking lot. Outraged that she’d assume he was guilty because he’s homeless, the Professor declared that he didn’t need to steal because he has security, proudly showing her his silver carrying case. When she asked where he got it, he sheepishly admitted “A car.” As Nipsey opened the case, the Professor explained that it was a portable phone from the ’80s. Nipsey was awestruck when she realized it wasn’t just a phone FROM the ’80s…it’s a phone TO the ’80s.

Sam Friday was talking to Pat Anderson, an old-timer customer who remembered Sam’s grandfather W.T. (“He expects a lot of you…and he thinks you’re gonna fail him.”) Sam explained that, even though he didn’t work there and had no actual authority over the restaurant, he still believed that his heritage gave him a say in how it was run. Pat told Sam that he needed to assert himself, and to build himself up by tearing Michael down.

Santiago went to Michael’s office with an evaluation report on Lois. Michael pointed out that not only was Santiago not a supervisor, but a 45-page document on dishwashing was overkill. Michael warned Santiago not to overstep his bounds, or he’d attract the attention of the immigration authorities. He then explained that he had to hold Santiago back for his own good.

The Professor went to Lois for advice, explaining that he wanted very much to be part of the W.T. Friday’s establishment. Lois replied that she wasn’t truly a part of the restaurant, but only a prisoner…and she’d rather be back in her cell than stuck here. They contemplated some way of switching places.

The other customers grew impatient as Nipsey took Pat Anderson’s incredibly long-winded, elaborate order. Fed up, Nipsey told Pat he was getting a hamburger. Pat passive-agressively apologized for making her do her job, then offered to go out to his station wagon and shoot himself. Nipsey told Pat that this was why nobody else ever waits on him, then suggested that he come in on a Tuesday afternoon, when there’s no rush and he can ramble on to his heart’s content.

Sam Friday went to the manager’s office to talk to Perry. Sam believed that Michael was slacking on the job, so he wanted Perry to spy on him. Perry remarked that if he wasn’t so heavily medicated, he would hit Sam for asking him to betray a friend. Sam retorted that Michael was nobody’s friend. Just then, Michael came in and asked them to get out of his office.

Santiago led Lois to her sleeping quarters, prompting her to reminisce about her youth, growing up in a hothouse in Alabama where the flowers bloomed just for her. Her story gradually lulled Santiago to sleep.

Perry went to persuade Nipsey to join him against Sam, but had great difficulty working up the courage to talk to her. He finally got around to telling her about Sam’s “rules,” but Nipsey pointed out that Sam had no standing in the restaurant, so all his suggestions can be ignored. Perry worried that Sam was planning to get rid of Michael one way or another.

Pat was out in the alley, looking for his silver case, when he found the Professor using it as a pillow. Pat woke up the Professor and warned him of the phone’s power. The Professor asked just one favor…he wanted to use the phone to call his past self in the ’80s.. Pat warned him that tampering with the past could have disastrous ramifications, but the Professor pointed out that he already lived in an alley, so how could things get worse?

As Michael walked out to his car, Sam demanded to know where he was going. Michael explained that he was going to pick up urinal cakes, but Sam accused him of going off to sleep on the job. Fed up, Michael handed Sam his car keys and told him to go pick up the cakes himself.

Pat asked Nipsey if there were some way to exile the Professor from the restaurant. Upset, Nipsey declared that the Professor was her mentor. She explained that he kept her safe by walking her to her car at night, and Pat suggested that he could do that for her. They realized that they both just wanted what was best for the restaurant. Then they started singing the “Family Ties” theme.

At the salad bar, Perry pointed out to Lois that she was out of parmesan croutons. She dramatically declared that she would remember and attend to the problem. When Perry asked about her grandiose manner, she explained that she had a theatrical background. He asked her to recommend a play about revenge, prompting her to re-enact a scene from her one-woman show “She’s So Angry.” Perry replied that he meant a REAL play.

Santiago crept into the office, where he found Michael standing over a pool of blood and a pair of shoes. Michael explained that, after Sam pulled out in his car, there was a terrible accident. Michael revealed that he had pulled Sam’s bloody body out of the wreckage, then disposed of it by dissolving it in Clorox. Santiago confessed that he had cut the brakeline to Michael’s car in revenge for Michael’s treatment of him…but he never expected anybody to get hurt, he just thought it would result in a comically slapstick “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.” Bonded by their mutual guilt, Michael and Santiago agreed to keep Sam’s death a secret between them.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 14: The (Long-Overdue) Grand Finale

2010-02-18T14:45:00.001-08:00

With the new season of SCANDAL! starting up this week, I just realized that I'd neglected to post the synopsis of last season's final episode. So, better late than never, here it is...

Episode 14: The Grand Finale

Having killed Babs Bunkler and eaten her heart, Sasha now declared herself the leader of the circus. Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions insisted that he was more qualified to run the circus. He demanded that they hold an election to decide who’s in charge. Sasha agreed, and stated that she would gets Stoolts to be her campaign manager. Robbie responded by hiring a campaign manager of his own…namely, Sasha.

Truck Tarkenton, having acquired Sasha’s acrobatic skills when she gave him her hair, was practicing his act. He realized that, though he had the talent, his pants were limiting his movement. The mime Michel Jacquessonne suggested that he take them off…so Truck did so.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm was testing his new whip when the CGI robot Viktoria Busliftor came in. After briefly discussing the election (in which Viktoria, not being human, had no vote), Viktoria informed Gunther that she’d had CGI ovaries implanted, but she needed a new programmer to make her a complete woman. Viktoria believed Gunther had the skills to help her.

Deb Henderson was practicing her Lamaze exercises, with Sealman Rushdie acting as her coach. Sealman mused about his own numerous children, whom he’d abandoned to pursue his career. Deb was amazed that a CGI robot could have children, and Sealman responded that there are many things people don’t understand about CGI robots. Sealman informed Deb that there was only one person capable of changing his programming…namely, Deb’s long-estranged mother Delta Burke.

Meeting with Sasha, Stoolts suggested a campaign slogan: “Vote for the Big Ol’ Lesbian.” When Sasha protested that she’s not gay, Stools dismissively replied that she appeals to that demographic. Continuing the theme, Stoolts performed a campaign jingle to the tune of “Closer to Fine.” Suddenly, he was interrupted by the arrival of Delta Burke. Sasha was amazed to see her idol.

SASHA: “I watched Designing Women all the time! That’s how I learned English!”
STOOLTS: “And that’s how I learned to masturbate!”

Truck Tarkenton came to Gunther’s tent for fashion advice to go with his new beautiful hair. As they talked, Gunther discovered a bomb hidden in his tiger’s cage. Truck casually admitted that he was planning to blow up the circus, rather than let it fall apart under either Sasha or Robbie’s control. Gunther realized that acquiring Sasha’s hair had driven Truck mad.

Meanwhile, Robbie was practicing his campaign speech:

ROBBIE: “I know you’re asking yourself, ‘Why would I elect somebody whose middle name is Bad Decisions?’ Well, haven’t you done that twice this millennium?”

His speech was interrupted when Delta Burke entered, declaring that she’d come to take her daughter away from this circus life. Robbie responded by flirtatiously sucking Delta’s fingers.

Deb Henderson and Michel Jacquesson were building a nursery, as Deb told him the story of her youth growing up as a bearded girl in Chatsworth. Michel attempted to help her emotional issues by re-enacting her life in mime. Deb then returned the favor by re-enacting Michel’s incredibly twisted childhood.

Sealman went to Stoolts for advice on what it means to be truly alive. Stoolts told Sealman to think of himself as a piece of fruit. Inspired, Sealman declared “I’m not a Kroger-on-Ponce fruit, I’m a Whole Foods fruit!”

Deb was finally reunited with her mother. Deb explained to Delta that she’d run away to spare Delta the shame of having a hairy daughter.

DELTA: “On a scale of 1 to 100, I hate facial hair on a woman at 99…but I love you 100.”

Delta confessed that she missed Deb so much, she’d given up her acting career to devote her time to figuring out a way to make CGI characters real, just so she could make a CGI duplicate of Deb.

Michel Jacquesson ran into Viktoria Busliftor. Viktoria confessed that she had been avoiding Michel because she was deeply in love with him, even before he joined the circus. In fact, she was the one responsible for all the hits on his website.

Wearing Sasha’s tights and tutu, Truck informed Viktoria that Sasha’s hair was taking over his personality…it had turned him sexy and evil. Viktoria sympathized, having gone through a sex-change himself. Truck clarified that he had not actually changed into a woman.

TRUCK: “I still got a wiener, dawg.”
VIKTORIA: “A dachsund?”

Gunther sought out Michel for help in foiling Truck’s bomb plot. Michel agreed, pulling out his mime wire-cutters.

Delta Burke completed her reprogramming on Sealman, informing him that he was now completely real…though he still would no longer fit in either the human or the sea lion world. She then broke into a song about her knowledge of aquatic mammals. Sealman urged her to reconcile with Deb for the sake of Deb’s child. Delta was shocked that anybody would have sex with Deb.

Robbie was practicing his latest stunt when he accidentally knocked over Truck’s bomb. Michel rushed in and realized he was too late; Robbie had set in motion an elaborate Rube Goldberg-like system that would start the detonation sequence. Robbie urged Michel to save himself, if it comes to that.

Deb rushed into Stoolts’ tent and warned him that a bomb was about to go off. Stoolts assumed this was a metaphor for Deb’s water breaking.

Delta Burke ran into Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm…which was awkward, as they’d had a fling several years back, before she met Gerald McRaney. Delta apologized for turning Gunther gay by breaking up with him. Once again, Gunther insisted that he’s not gay.

Sealman and Viktoria delivered their farewell performance in the center ring, while simultaneously discussing the election. Viktoria realized that, as CGI robots, they could hack into the Deibold system and use the election results to defuse the bomb. They urged the audience to cast their votes now, declaring “Any vote is a vote to defuse.”

Sasha ran into Deb, who was going into labor. As Sasha helped deliver the baby, Gunther rushed in and shouted “Don’t cut that cord! It’s connected to the bomb!”

Truck was in his lair, waiting for the bomb to go off, when Stoolts slowly rushed in to stop him. As Truck gloated that Stoolts would never stop him, Sasha brought in the one weapon that could defeat Truck…Truck’s trusty wrench. Stoolts took the wrench and threw it at Truck’s crotch. A chase ensued, leading to the center ring where everybody was trying to deal with both the bomb and the birth. Gunther dealt the finishing blow to Truck by pulling Sasha’s hair off of his head. As Deb was about to give birth, Robbie urged them to go ahead and cut the cord…we would then throw himself onto the bomb and absorb the blast with his body fat.

SEALMAN: “I don’t want to worry anybody, but is anyone concerned that we’re following a plan by a man named ‘Bad Decisions’?”

Sasha was moved by Robbie’s decision to sacrifice himself, and she declared that he truly was the leader of the circus. Robbie responded with a sarcastic “Well, thanks a lot!” Just then, Deb gave birth and Delta Burke cut the cord. The bomb went off, but Robbie’s body shielded everybody from the blast. The survivors celebrated the new life that had been brought into the world…and with it, a new beginning to the circus.

THE END

Season 14, Episode 13: CG I, Robot

2009-07-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

Episode 13: CG I, Robot

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions confronted Babs Bunkler over her plans, telling her he wouldn’t let her take over the “circlus” (which he then defined as the circle of friends within the circus). When she made a move towards him, he was knocked down before she even made contact. She then proceeded to beat him up without ever touching him.

Meanwhile, Deb Henderson and Sasha were working out their own plan to kill Babs. They decided to wait outside Babs’ window, blending into the night be pretending to be animals: Sasha would be a lion, and Deb would be an eagle with a snake in her mouth. Then, Sasha would tear open Babs’ chest, pull out her implants, juggle them, and then rip out Babs’ heart and eat it on white bread.

The CGI robot Reggie told the CGI robot Viktoria about Babs’ latest orders for them: They were to fire the entire circus staff, and dig a pit for them to fall into on the way out. Viktoria agreed, then confessed that since learning her true nature, she felt a great hunger all the time…but now that she knows she’s not human, food does nothing for her.

Michel Jacquesonne was explaining (in mime) to Stoolts that Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman had been replaced by CGI robots. Stoolts figured that he might be able to defeat them, since his prosthetic legs make him sort of a cyborg. In fact, since his “robot” parts are wood, he’s the ORIGINAL cyborg. Michel compared Stoolts to the Trojan Horse, which gave him an idea on how to defeat Babs and her minions: Michel would hide inside Stoolts’ clown suit, then jump out and attack them.

Truck Tarkenton was in his workshop when Sealman came in, looking for CGI oil. Sealman confessed that he was not what he seemed…and he’d been programmed to do things he didn’t want to do.

Robbie was surprised to see Reggie still walking around, and apologized for mistreating him when he thought Reggie was dead. Reggie replied that there were no hard feelings, but fired Robbie anyway. Robbie protested that it was Babs’ influence that was making Reggie do this, but Reggie wouldn’t hear a bad word against her. When Robbie called Babs a “cooterscab,” the viciousness of the insult short-circuited Reggie. After collapsing, Reggie informed Robbie that there was one way to stop Babs: Robbie would have to get inside her mainframe.

Sasha and Michel ran into each other, and each explained their own plan to kill Babs.

Stoolts ran into Deb, who was practicing being an eagle. Stoolts explained that he was going to kill Babs with a plan right out of the Iliad. He then recounted a confused version of the myth of Icarus, only in his version, two women flew away by making wings out of their labia. Deb then explained her own plan, in which she would be riding on Sasha while holding a snake in her mouth. Stoolts marveled that her plan was more sexual than his own.

Babs Bunkler was lounging in her boudoir, rejoicing in her evil, when Sealman came in. He was ready to get nasty with her, but she worried that she wouldn’t be satisfied with desire that was only in his programming. She wanted him to want her of his own free will. Sealman used flowery praise to convince her that his passion was real, then embraced her—and immediately broke off. (“Well, I’m done.”)

Viktoria was gazing at the food in the snack car when Truck came in. Viktoria asked him how he felt about Babs’ plan to sell the circus. Taken aback (as this was the first he’d heard about it), Truck swore to stop her at all costs.

VIKTORIA: “So you would resort to violence?”
TRUCK: “Resort? It’s my first option!”

Since the threat against Babs had given Viktoria a reason to carry out her programming, Viktoria fired Truck, then carried him over to the pit. During the struggle, Truck’s hair fell off.

Deb found the maimed CGI-robot Reggie, who told her that he didn’t have much longer…he would soon be going to the Halls of Spielberg. He urged her to defeat Babs, and she assured him that there were all kinds of plans going on.

Robbie found the maimed Truck holding his hair in his hands. Robbie tried to reassure him that it could be reattached, but Truck knew it was too far gone. They paid tribute to Truck’s hair by singing Boyz II Men’s “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye.”

Babs Bunkler called Viktoria into her office, because she’d noticed that one of her robots was no longer responding on the monitor. Viktoria checked the computer, suggesting that Babs take a look at the Task Manager. When the computer still couldn’t find Reggie, Babs ordered Viktoria to go out and physically locate him, then put him on Extra Powerful Overload. Viktoria warned that this may drain the entire system, but agreed to do it if Babs would return the favor by installing the plug-in that would let Viktoria enjoy food once again. Babs did so, then gave Viktoria a SweeTart to test her taste buds. Viktoria was delighted to be able to taste again. Babs laughed uproariously at her little prank, as the “SweeTart” had actually been a Tums.

Sasha found Sealman and discovered that his skin was peeling off. Sealman explained that he was shedding like a snake, then went off on a lengthy extended metaphor. Sasha remarked “There’s a reason I don’t come to your poetry nights.”

Michel climbed into Stoolts’ suit, and the two of them practiced walking as one person. Michel figured that it would take them 18 years to get to Babs’ office.

Reggie’s spirit arose from his CGI body. He saw a kindly bearded man beckoning him into the light…Steven Spielberg. Spielberg’s voice informed Reggie that he had earned his reward: He would spend eternity at the bottom of the sea with Haley Joel Osment (which is where the movie should have ended). Prompted by this observation, Reggie asked what the deal was with that tacked-on ending, and Spielberg explained that sometimes, when you get too powerful, nobody will tell you when you’ve had a bad idea. Spielberg then asked if his pants made him look fat, and Reggie admitted that they did. Impressed by Reggie’s honesty, Spielberg granted him eternity at Spielberg’s right hand.

Robbie broke into Babs’ office Mission: Impossible style. Hovering over her computer, his plan was stymied when he couldn’t figure out how to get out of Task Manager.

The Stoolts/Michel duo ran into Deb, who explained that she couldn’t see Stoolts or Truck was going to cut her open. Stoolts suggested that she hide from Truck by getting into his suit. Since she already had a baby inside her, she’d be like a Trojan Horse inside another Trojan Horse.

Truck crawled over to Sasha, carrying his hair. He asked her to give his hair a proper funeral, since she had the only working toilet in the circus. She said a prayer over the hair, then flushed it. Truck lamented that he’d never have hair again, since he never learned how to grow it. As a show of solidarity, Sasha took off her own wig and gave it to him. As Truck put it on, he realized that he’d now gained Sasha’s acrobatic abilities. To repay her for her sacrifice, Truck peeled off his mustache and placed it on Sasha (who now had his mechanical prowess as well). Newly empowered, they set out to kill Babs.

Viktoria was preparing to put the system on Extra Powerful Overload when Sealman came in and asked him to stop. Sealman explained that, despite his programming from Babs, he didn’t want to see the circus destroyed.

Babs found Robbie in her office. To explain his presence, Robbie said he’d come to make a peace offering. He told her that he found her attractive, and he believed there was still a good person inside her. She admitted that there once had been, but she squelched her good side because it was so boring. Robbie reassured her that being good doesn’t have to be boring, then started seducing her by doing a striptease. While Babs was distracted by his dance, the Stoolts/Michel Trojan Horse arrived, followed by Truck, followed by the Deb/Sasha eagle-lion. Everybody attacked in a gruesome spectacle that ended with Sasha eating Babs’ heart on white bread.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 12: Everybody Dies

2009-07-23T19:08:00.000-07:00

Episode 12: Everybody Dies

Reggie Bunkler’s wife, Babs Bunkler, came into Reggie’s office…where Reggie’s dead body had been lying ever since Sasha killed him two episodes ago. Babs reflected on their life together, and how Reggie had spent all her money on this circus to fulfill his family’s dreams. Now, she was going to live HER dream by selling the circus and turning it into expensive lofts.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and Viktoria Busliftor were relaxing in the spa and contemplating the future of the circus. Viktoria proposed that they could break off from the Bunkler Brothers and form their own circus, if they could get Sasha to join them as their star. Viktoria worried that Gunther could never tame Sasha’s ego, but Gunther replied “It’s the challenge that makes it so challenging.”

Truck Tarkenton and Sasha were shopping for flowers for Reggie’s funeral, as Sasha reflected on the feeling of power it gave her to take Reggie’s life. Truck led her into Reggie’s office so she could make her peace with him. (“Don’t do anything weird…but if you do, there’s a webcam right there.”) Left alone with Reggie’s body, she confessed her attraction to him.

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were planning a tribute act for Reggie—Robbie would jump his bike over Reggie’s flaming body as he’s being cremated. Robbie reflected on how he’d never liked Reggie, but his death put those feelings in perspective. He then contemplated the finality of death, saying how ridiculous it would be if Reggie suddenly came back to life. Sealman said that if that happened, he would kill Reggie all over again.

Michel Jacquesonne was showing Babs around the circus and telling her how much he missed Reggie. (“That man treated me like an employee. My own parents didn’t treat me like an employee.”) Babs asked him exactly what happened to Reggie. After going on and on about his own problems, Michel finally told her that Sasha had twisted Reggie’s neck until it clicked.

Viktoria invited Sasha to join their new circus, but Sasha didn’t see any difference between working at either circus. Viktoria then said that she didn’t really have much of a choice…they’d already taken most of the Bunkler Brothers’ equipment, so there wouldn’t be a circus left to go on anyway. Sasha warned Viktoria that she had killed before and would kill again. Viktoria offered to let her kill Gunther if she’d join their circus.

Truck was driving Deb to the doctor to check on her baby. He suggested that they could prove whether the baby was his or Stoolts’ by seeing whether it had stools for feet. As Deb pointed out that stool-feet weren’t a hereditary trait, Truck proposed that they could check for themselves by cutting her open. Deb suggested an ultrasound instead, but Truck didn’t believe in them. (“That’s CGI, it’s not real.”) Stopping the truck in the woods, Truck led Deb to a cabin to reveal…the REAL Reggie Bunkler’s body! When Deb asked about the body in the office, Truck explained that the other body was CGI. She suggested that they could use the fake body for a ventriloquist act. Pleased by the idea, Truck told her he’d put off cutting her open until they saw how the new act goes over. Deb pleaded with him not to cut her open at all, and they came to an agreement: She promised not to let Stoolts near the baby, and Truck promised not to slice her open.

Robbie, Sealman, and Gunther dragged the fake Reggie’s body out of the office to practice Robbie’s jump. As they did so, Robbie pulled down Reggie’s pants to make him more aerodynamic for the stunt.

GUNTHER: “Everybody says I’m gay, and I’d like to point out that you two are the ones undressing a dead man.”

Babs went out to the cabin to visit her husband’s real body. She gloated that she’d substituted the CGI robot a long time ago, and nobody had noticed the difference. Everything was going according to her plan. Just then, Gunther and Viktoria came through the woods, scouting for locations for their new circus. As Babs hid, Gunther and Viktoria discovered Reggie’s body, and were thoroughly confused.

Back at the circus, Deb was practicing her ventriloquist act with the CGI-robot Reggie’s body. Much to her surprise, the “dummy” began speaking on its own: “My wife is trying to destroy the circus! I’m in the woods!”

Sealman and Michel were planning their act, as Michel ranted about how he was molested by clowns his entire life. Sealman protested that his life had been saved by clowns…an elite band of military clowns who had rescued him from Japanese fishermen. Sealman urged Michel to find it in his heart to mime forgiveness, but after Michel went into sickening detail about what had been done to him, Sealman agreed that he should mime revenge instead.

Sasha came into Reggie’s office to visit his body, when Babs entered and revealed that it wasn’t the real Reggie. Babs demonstrated by running a program to make the CGI-robot move its arms and pat its head. Babs and Sasha then revealed the reason for their rivalry: They’re sisters. All their life, Sasha had been the talented one, while Babs was only good at giving blowjobs…so Babs had gotten rid of her sister by sending her to Bolivia, where Sasha was raised by acrobats. But fate had drawn them together once again, as Sasha had come to America and joined the Bunkler Brothers Circus, not knowing its connection to her long-lost sister. After explaining their backstory, Babs began strangling Sasha with a scarf (knocking off Sasha’s wig in the process).

Truck and Robbie were watching porn on the internet when they stumbled across some of the circus’ security-camera footage. Playing the video, they saw Sealman performing for Reggie to distract him, as Viktoria (while she was still “Viktor”) snuck up from behind and snapped Reggie’s neck. Checking the date on the footage, they realized that the real Reggie had been dead for months, and they’d been working with a robot all along. They suspected that Michael Bay was somehow responsible.

The dewigged Sasha managed to crawl to Deb’s trailer, where she explained her family history to Deb. She revealed that Babs had gone mad with jealousy after discovering that Sasha was part of the circus that Babs had married into. Deb agreed to help Sasha get her revenge.

Searching for clues in the woods, Gunther came across the murdered bodies of the real Sealman and Viktor, along with Sasha’s wig. Gunther wondered what kind of power it would take to kill someone as strong as Viktor, but despite the danger, he swore to find out who was responsible.

In her office, Babs Bunkler had gathered her CGI-robot minions: Reggie, Viktoria, and Sealman. She sent Reggie to fire all the performers. She then instructed Viktoria to remember the love she had for Sasha (back when Viktoria was still Viktor), and to turn that love to hate. After a moment of robotic confusion (“How do I remember love when I am ones and zeros?”), Viktoria went to to kill Sasha. Left alone with Sealman, Babs began flirting with the CGI-robot talking sea lion. (“I love it when you say big words.”)

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 11: Are You Confronting Me?

2009-07-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Episode 11: Are You Confronting Me?

Stoolts attempted to make peace with the mime Michel Jacquesonne, despite the longstanding mime/clown rivalry. Michel wanted no part of Stoolts’ reconciliation, explaing that his mind is full of demons, fire, and hate. Nevertheless, Stoolts suggested that they go into business together, making sexy Popsicles with flirty messages on the sticks. The thought of capitalism relieved the demons in Michel’s head.

Seeking advice on her pregnancy, bearded lady Deb Henderson consulted the circus doctor, Dr. Root, and the circus vet, Dr. Sally Seditizer. Dr. Seditizer attempted to shoot Deb with a tranq gun (her recommended treatment for everything), but Deb dodged the darts. Dr. Root examined her and announced that she had tubercucirculosis, a rare ailment transmitted from circus animals to performers and then back again. He warned her that either she or her baby would die.

Truck Tarkenton gathered the performers together to prepare them for the upcoming Super Family Night performance. When Michel asked if that meant the audience would be made up of super-heroes, Deb mime-slapped him. When Truck asked Deb to bake cookies for the patrons, she informed everybody about her diagnosis. Stoolts pondered how she might have contracted the disease and whether she’d passed it on to him…then he marveled at the fact that he’d just had a complex, relevant thought. Dr. Root recommended that they cancel Super Family Night and have a quarantine, but Truck argued that the circus couldn’t afford to cancel a performance.

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions met his old friend, Las Vegas entertainer Danny Gams. They reminisced about Danny’s last performance, when he dove into a glass of water for an audience of cancer-ridden kids. Although the spectacle cured the kids, it had so damaged Danny’s kneecaps that it would be fatal for him to ever dance again…but he was willing to take that risk.

Stoolts went to consult Dr. Root with his concerns about Deb’s pregnancy and his impending fatherhood. When Stoolts explained that he feared he was too dumb to be a good father, Root reassured him that he could be the worst father in the world because kids don’t know when they’re being mistreated. Stoolts suggested making “Kids Don’t Know Any Better” the theme for Super Family Night.

Truck Tarkenton and Dr. Seditizer reflected on their secret past together…after their break-up, she left the country to forget Truck, then wound up killing seven men in Tokyo. She resolved to put him behind her, even if she had to sleep with everybody else. Truck suggested they make an act out of that.

Deb was baking some Super Family Cookies when Michel Jacquesson came by . She asked why he was so hostile towards Stoolts, and he explained that he’d been molested by clowns since childhood, so he hated all clowns. Just then, Stoolts arrived and greeted Michel warmly. When Deb expressed confusion over why Stoolts thought Michel was his friend, Michel tried to shut her up by making a sexist remark about women always talking. She responded by mime-slapping him. Seeing how Michel reacted to the imaginary slap, Stoolts tried pulling a mime-noose and was greatly amused as Michel began choking. Changing the subject, Stoolts asked Deb why there was always a man in her trailer every time he stops by. Just then, Truck came in for his nooner.

Later, Truck was getting ready for the show when Dr. Root came in to inform him that he had enough antidote for all but one person. When Truck asked if that meant it boiled down to choosing between Deb and her baby, Root realized he hadn’t figured the baby into his calculations, which meant it was out of luck in any case. Just then, Robbie came in. Examining him, Dr. Root declared that Robbie’s temperature was so high that he could spontaneously combust at any moment. Truck considered working that into the act. Robbie then asked Truck to cut Danny from the show for the sake of Danny’s life, just as Danny came in and overheard. Furious, Danny insisted that he be allowed to perform even if it kills him.

Dr. Root and Dr. Seditizer were practicing their interpretive-dance act, while simultaneously Robbie and Danny were having a heart-to-heart talk. Robbie confessed that he had slept with Danny’s wife in an effort to make Danny too sad to perform. Danny replied that he wanted Robbie and his wife to be together…in fact, he’d left her to Robbie in his will. Danny had also put in his will that if he comes back as a zombie, he wants Robbie to kill him. Danny was at peace with the thought of dying…he just wanted to go out on the most spectacular performance ever.

Truck and Stoolts had the shortest confrontation in history. (“Are you confronting me, motherfucker?”)

After performing his mime routine and taking a bow, Michel Jacquesson informed the audience that they’d been infected with tubercucirculosis. Truck rushed in to confront Michel for giving away the secret. (“You better not be fucking confronting me.”)

Deb was distributing her cookies to the audience when Stoolts arrived, jealous that she was giving her attention to crowds now. Angrily, she informed him that he was terrible in bed, so she had to go elsewhere for satisfaction. Stoolts declared that he wanted her to see his real self, as he rubbed off his make-up and threw down his nose and helmet.

Preparing for his final number, Danny Gams picked up Stoolts’ red nose and reflected on how his late father always wanted him to be a clown. He broke into a song about his father and his own impending death.

Dr. Root brought everyone together to discuss the medical situation. (“Are you confronting us, motherfucker?”) Root revealed that Stoolts was going to die…and not only that, Stoolts’ sperm was toxic and everyone who’s come in contact with it was contaminated. Robbie suggested that, like snakebite, the venom could be sucked out. Deb did so. Furious, Truck shouted that Root had broken their deal; he was supposed to make sure that the disease only killed Deb’s baby. As Deb and Stoolts reeled from this shocking news, Truck strangled Dr. Root with his wrench. In his death throes, Root dropped his vial of antidote to the ground…but since it was an unbreakable plastic bottle, everyone could still be cured.

Danny Gams went out for his final dance, with Robbie backing him up. At the climax of his routine, Danny clutched at his chest for a moment…then went on dancing. Robbie warned Danny that he would die if he continued. Danny replied that he HAD just died…he was now a zombie. He begged Robbie to finish him off, just as he’d put in his will. As Danny tearfully complied, Dr. Seditizer ran in, pursued by the zombie Dr. Root. Just as Dr. Root caught her and ate her brains, Michel Jacquesson rushed in and destroyed Dr. Root with a mime shotgun.

Deb was packing up her baking supplies and reflecting on how her appetite for sex had messed up her life. She’d decided to go back home to Chatsworth, where she couldn’t hurt anything. Meanwhile, Stoolts was packing up his own stuff and pondering his own life. Since they were in adjoining tents, they heard each other’s monologues and decided to turn them into a dialogue. Stoolts told her that he understood her sexual desires, and if he couldn’t satisfy them, he’d be happy to let her turn to other people (as long as he could watch). They declared their love for each other. Truck, overhearing their reconciliation, began his own monologue about his plan to claim Deb’s baby for himself…even if he has to take it out of her.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life

2009-07-07T05:25:00.000-07:00

Episode 10: You Blight Up My Life

Reggie Bunkler was sitting in his office when a new act came knocking on his door…the French-Canadian mime artist Michel Jacquesonne. Reggie warned him that the circus’ budget was too tight to pay him much, but Michel replied that he worked not for money, but for the love of mime. Of course, that wouldn’t stop him from taking whatever money he could get…

Sealman Rushdie and Viktoria Busliftor were changing the baby-thing, which called Viktoria “Mama.” Viktoria marveled at how quickly it was maturing.

Bearded lady Deb Henderson, worried about the July 4th fireworks show and its effects on her unborn child, consulted Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm as the circus’ resident expert on danger. Gunther assured her that there was nothing to worry about, because babies love loud noises. Feeling the baby kick, Gunther declared “He’s like a little Pele…or some more relevant soccer player.” Deb then revealed that Stoolts had seen her kissing Truck, and she was afraid Stoolts might do something drastic. Gunther advised her to face her fears for the sake of her baby. Finally remembering a more contemporary reference, Gunther encouraged the baby to “Bend it like Beckham.”

Far away, on top of the dump on Moreland Avenue, Sasha was looking over the city and contemplating her decision to leave the circus. Knowing no other trade but acrobatics, she had been reduced to contorting her body in the street for 50 cents a pop.

In his fireworks lab, Stoolts was plotting his revenge. He’d acquired a sample of American Red Elm Blight, which he would spray on everybody else. He gloated that the blight, while fatal to trees, would have a different effect on humans: when combined with fireworks, it would drive everyone insane. (“Now THAT’S an evil plan!”)

Reggie found Viktoria cradling the parasite-baby. Reggie warned that the baby was the result of the curse Viktoria’s mother had placed on Reggie, but Viktoria countered that babies shouldn’t be blamed for where they came from. The baby began revealing Reggie’s deepest secrets, and Reggie threatened to drown it in the bathtub. The baby sinisterly replied “Let him try.” Changing the subject to lighten the mood, Viktoria remarked how much she was looking forward to the fireworks display. (“There’s nothing more American than explosions.”) Reggie told Viktoria that they’d arranged the perfect soundtrack to accompany the fireworks—The Spin Doctors.

Deb informed Sealman that she was pregnant, and asked him to be her midwife. Sealman felt her belly and declared that the baby was going to be a little Vitas Gerulitas, or some other outdated tennis player. Then he broke into a song about the wonders and joys of childbirth.

As Sasha gazed at the circus from her vantage point on the dump, Gunther came climbing through the garbage to join her. He wanted to watch the fireworks with her, and to prove once and for all that he’s not gay. Sasha replied that she knew from their lovemaking that he wasn’t gay…although she suspected his penis might be.

Michel Jacquesonne was performing his mime act in the center ring, narrating his actions aloud for the audience. Stoolts came in, and the age-old rivalry between clowns and mimes reared its ugly head. Stoolts squirted Michel with his blight-spray, then continued threatening him. In response, Michel created an imaginary wall between himself and Stoolts.

Reggie took the baby-thing to the elephant-wash station in an attempt to destroy it. He asked the baby what it wanted, and the baby revealed that it planned to take over the circus. The Bunkler Brothers Family Circus would soon be the Baby Brothers Family Circus, as soon as Deb’s baby arrived. The baby revealed that he, not Stoolts, had impregnated Deb…he had climbed up Stoolts’ pants leg and gotten in between them. (“So, technically, it’ll be my son, but ‘Baby Brothers’ sounds better.”) Horrified, Reggie carried the baby into his office and stuffed it in the Swear Jar.

Stoolts found Viktoria looking through a Viewmaster, entranced by the pictures of the Florida mermaids. Viktoria remarked that she had noticed Stoolts squirting people with his spray-bottle. Thinking the clown was simply spraying water as a playful way to cool people off, Viktoria asked to be sprayed. Since Viktoria was one of the few people who had always been nice to Stoolts, Stoolts refused to spray her with the blight. Viktoria then grabbed the bottle and squirted herself.

Sasha and Gunther were celebrating their happiness in the dump when Stoolts came by. He told them about the American Red Elm Blight and what it did to trees, but before he could continue as to its effects on humans, Sasha and Gunther began crying over the dead trees and orphaned saplings. Confused, Stoolts started to explain that he’d had an epiphany. Sasha asked if this was going to turn into another of his long-winded Cosby Show stories.

Sealman was swimming in his tank when Stoolts came by. Complimenting him on his fitness, Stoolts compared him to Jack LaLanne and other out-of-date exercise gurus. Then he sprayed Sealman with the blight.

Returning to the circus, Sasha came to Reggie’s office. Feeling confident that the circus had suffered in her absence, she demanded a raise. Fed up with her diva attitude, Reggie finally told her off. In a fit of rage, she threw Reggie’s bottle of Tums across the room. A vicious battle ensued, with Sasha wrecking the office. (In the process, she knocked the Swear Jar off the desk, and the evil baby took the opportunity to escape.) After smashing Reggie across the back with a chair, Sasha went to Stoolts and told him that he’d turned her into a superhuman killing machine with his blight-spray. She demanded that he spray her with an antidote.

Returning from the dump, Gunther ran into Viktoria. The lingering smell of dirty diapers reminded Viktoria that she had misplaced the baby-thing. Gunther realized that they were all in grave danger.

Michel, Sealman, Gunther, and Viktoria gathered outside Reggie’s office to watch the fireworks. Seeing Reggie lying on the ground, Viktoria remarked “I hear with a spine injury, you should move them immediately.” As they did so, Sasha, Deb, and Stoolts arrived. Stoolts confessed to Deb that he’d done something terrible and now felt deep remorse. Meanwhile, Reggie warned everybody else that the baby-thing had impregnated not only Deb, but Sasha as well. Just then, the sound of the Spin Doctors filled the air, and the fireworks began. The pyrotechnics combined with Stoolts’ spray, and everybody began behaving in more-than-usually bizarre ways. Gunther, the only one who had not been sprayed, attempted to reason with Stoolts by discussing the Cosby Show and asking “What would Rudy do?” Moved by Gunther’s plea, Stoolts urged everybody to snap out of it, helping them to shake off the effects by complimenting each of them and boosting their self-confidence. Deb congratulated Stoolts for saving the day, although Sasha pointed out that he had started the trouble in the first place.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring

2009-07-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

Episode 9: Three-Alarm Three-Ring

Stoolts had accidentally set fire to the circus by rubbing his wooden stool-legs together during a passionate encounter with bearded lady Deb Henderson. Circus owner Reggie Bunkler rushed into his office, where he found roadie Truck Tarkenton putting out the flames by beating them with his wrench. Truck declared that he would save the circus, but first he wanted to be repaid for having detached the symbiotic baby-thing from Reggie’s body.

Meanwhile, Sealman Rushdie was trying to herd all the circus’ animals to safety, as Sasha cried that she couldn’t leave—if the circus was destroyed, she’d have nothing else to live for. Sealman told her to snap out if it, then told her about the time he survived the Great Antarctic Fire of ’06.

While putting some mementos in a fireproof safe, Gunther and Viktoria discussed their relationship. Viktoria worried that, despite her vow not to fall in love her first time, she may be becoming too attached to Gunther. Gunther confessed that it had been his first time as well—he’d never had sex before, because every woman assumed he was gay. Gunther looked deeply into Viktoria’s eyes and saw her experience and wisdom.

Panicked, Deb climbed to the top of the Big Top and screamed for an incredibly long time. Stoolts rushed (as much as he can “rush”) to her rescue. As he approached, Deb informed him that she was already pregnant from their encounter. (“It happens really fast in my family.”) Thrilled by the news, Stoolts was infused with the strength of ten men and easily saved Deb.

Reggie and Sealman addressed the audience, assuring them that everything was under control while also getting them to sign releases. They decided to make the evacuation part of the show by shooting all the audience members out of a cannon.

Sasha told Gunther that the danger of imminent death had made her realize how much Gunther meant to her. Gunther regretfully informed her that he had found somebody else. Breaking down, Sasha told him to leave her to die. Gunther declared that he wouldn’t let her die—he would teach her to jump through fire, just as he trained his tigers.

Deb rushed to her trailer to salvage her beard-brush, only to find Viktoria snooping through her things. Viktoria explained that, since becoming a woman, he’d developed an uncontrollable curiosity. Reading Deb’s diary, Viktoria had learned about her incredible fertility and her family’s history of giving children up for adoption.

Stoolts was heroically holding up the ceiling as the patrons escaped. Seeing the fire rising up Stoolts’ body, Truck “rescued” him by beating out the flames with his wrench.

While training Sasha to jump through the flames, Gunther admitted that his feelings for Viktoria had only been a temporary infatuation. Gunther explained his love for Sasha through a zombie metaphor, and Sasha agreed that they should let their passion rise from the grave.

Reggie was searching through the inferno for the baby-creature. Sealman suggested that it would be best to let the monstrous thing die, even though that goes against Sealman’s Catholic upbringing. Shocked, Reggie informed him that this was a Protestant circus. As they debated religion, the baby-thing emerged from the flames and leaped upon Reggie. Sealman pried the baby off of Reggie and declared “Goodnight Moon” in a vaguely disturbing manner.

Gunther and Sasha were in the throes of sex when they realized that Viktoria was listening from outside. Sasha feared that Viktoria would kill them both in a jealous rage, but Viktoria assured her that there was nothing to worry about…her encounter with Gunther meant as little to her as it had to him.

Stoolts asked Sealman for some salve to treat his burns. Sealman informed him that it would cost extra, now that Sealman has an evil baby to support. Stoolts attempted to bond with Sealman over fatherhood, but his efforts were blocked when Sealman started wondering what the big deal is about being a father.

Deb was sifting through the smoldering wreckage when Truck came to confront her about her pregnancy. He expressed concern for her safety, worrying that Stoolts might harm her or the baby—thus planting the seeds of doubt and making an opening for himself.

Viktoria was crying to herself when Reggie walked by. Having only known her as “Viktor” before, Reggie was stunned and disturbed by Viktoria’s new persona. Still, he reluctantly consoled her. Viktoria confessed that, despite her reassurance to Gunther that it meant nothing, she really HAD fallen in love with him. Reggie warned her that workplace romances never turn out well.

Fearing that Viktoria might kill her, Sasha went to Sealman for help. Sealman simply said that she had to deal with the consequences of her love for Gunther, telling her “You can’t harvest a field and not expect corn to grow.” Then he broke into an agricultural-based song about love and its results, including pregnancy.

As Reggie continued to console Viktoria, Gunther entered and declared his love for Sasha. He announced that he would rather quit the circus than give up Sasha, and Reggie was all too glad to accept his resignation. Just then, Sasha arrived and announced that she was quitting too…and that she’s pregnant. Stunned, Gunther informed Sasha that he had made sure long ago that he could never have children.

Stoolts walked in just as Truck kissed Deb.

Explaining that she had to get away and get her thoughts together, Sasha said goodbye to Gunther. Setting out on the road, she had brief flashbacks to her fondest memories of each of her circus friends.

Stung by Deb’s apparent betrayal, Stoolts contemplated drastic action. He pulled off his red nose and prepared to toss it in the air, declaring “Heads, everybody lives…tails, they die.” With that, he flipped his nose.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 8: Trapeze Porn

2009-06-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Episode 8: Trapeze Porn

Returning from the circus managers’ conference, Reggie Bunkler found himself locked out of his office. Truck explained that he’d changed the locks now that it was HIS office, but let Reggie in as a visitor. Reggie asked what had happened while Truck was in charge, and Truck reported that two people had died and Viktor Busliftor had given himself a sex-change operation.

On an ice-cream date with Deb Henderson, Stoolts informed her that he had taken an on-line real estate course so he could support her even if they left the circus…and he’d also taken on-line self-defense classes to protect her from Truck. As they planned their future, Deb suggested that Stoolts also get an on-line GED, seeing as how he was only 15 and had spent his entire life in the circus. Stoolts took offense, thinking she was suggesting he wasn’t smart enough for her.

Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions was crying over the death of his biological father (Jack Lightning Jr.) when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in to console him. Gunther suggested that perhaps Jack wasn’t really dead, and might come back from the grave. Robbie was not comforted.

Viktor (or “Viktoria”) came to Sasha’s trailer for some beauty tips, explaining that he was now a woman. Sasha warned her that there was only room for one beautiful woman in this circus. Viktoria replied that she knew she could never compete with Sasha, but only wanted to feel better about herself. Sasha suggested that Viktoria start by shaving her mustache.

Stoolts confronted Truck, who threatened to knock Stoolts’ wooden stool-legs out from under him. In turn, Stoolts warned that he would rub his wooden legs together really fast and set Truck on fire. Unexpectedly, Truck apologized, explaining that he’d grown sick of violence. He wanted to make it up to Stoolts…perhaps by helping him pass the GED.

Reggie asked Robbie to help him get past Truck’s security system so he could reclaim his own office. Despite his dislike of Reggie, Robbie agreed out of respect for Reggie’s father. This prompted Reggie to reveal that he resented his father because the family circus robbed him of a normal childhood. After a bit more conversation, Robbie noticed the bulge under Reggie’s shirt. Reggie revealed that the baby that had been growing out of his chest had almost fully emerged. Reggie warned that the “baby” whispered to him in the night.

Meeting in the center ring, Deb asked Sasha for advice on her relationship with Stoolts, since she was worried about his drinking and their age difference—she’s 40 and he’s 15. (“If we weren’t in the circus, it’d be illegal.”) Sasha asked if they had actually had sex yet, and Deb replied that they hadn’t yet figured out the logistics of it. Sasha offered to let Deb use her trapeze system to fly onto Stoolts’ weiner.

Gunther ran into Viktoria, and complimented her on her new look. Gunther revealed that, now that Viktoria was a woman, he could admit his attraction to her. Viktoria thanked Gunther for the compliment, but explained that she wasn’t a lesbian. (Viktor had always thought that the long-haired Gunther was a woman.) After clearing up Viktoria’s confusion, Gunther asked her out on a date.

Reggie and Robbie broke into Reggie’s office, where Reggie revealed his plan to somehow get rid of the baby-thing growing from him. Outraged, Robbie informed Reggie that he would care for the baby if Robbie wouldn’t. Then he started breast-feeding it, much to Reggie’s disgust. (“Oh God, I can taste it!”)

Truck was helping Stoolts prepare for the GED, but the questions he asked were deliberately designed to prey on Stoolts’ insecurities. (“If a train is going West at 70 miles per hour, how far away will a man’s girlfriend go to cheat on him because he’s too dumb for her?”) Stoolts started to confront Truck about his insinuations, but then went off on a tangent about The Cosby Show.

Sasha was instructing Deb on how to use the aerial system, telling her to dismount the trapeze and immediately mount Stoolts—which would require both precision timing and great control of her “kenkel” muscles. Sasha then informed Deb that they were going to make their consummation into the circus’ main attraction of the night.

Reggie went to Truck for help in getting rid of the baby-thing. As Truck examined Reggie’s conjoined symbiote, the baby-thing intoned that Truck would die a fiery death. Truck contemplated the financial potential of a baby that could foresee the future, then resumed his examination. Truck informed Reggie that the only tool that could detach the parasite was Truck’s trusty wrench. (“I’m gonna beat you in the face until that baby falls off.”)

Sasha informed Stoolts that she’d prepared a wonderful new act for him and Deb…but first, she’d need to cut a hole in his pants. She then explained the facts of life and “special hugging” to him.

Robbie gave Deb a pep talk to prepare her for the big moment, but grossed her out when he compared it to a ring-toss.

Gunther and Viktoria were out on the town, taking a walk through downtown Atlanta. As traffic passed around them, Viktoria contemplated how romantic it would be to die like Margaret Mitchell. Viktoria then confessed that, for all the wild sexual shenanigans that go on at the circus, she was still a virgin. As “Time After Time” swelled in the background, Viktoria explained that she wanted her first time to be special…but not so special that she’d mistake it for true love. Gunther agreed to take her behind a dumpster.

In Reggie’s office, Truck prepared to remove the baby-thing…by hitting Reggie in the crotch with the wrench.

The time of the big show had arrived, with Deb in the trapeze and Stoolts in the center ring, as the ringmaster announced “The Greatest Statutory Rape on Earth.” After some spectacular aerial maneuvers, Deb swung onto Stoolts and held onto him. Immediately afterwards, Stoolts realized that, during the act, he’d been so excited that he rubbed his wooden legs together too fast…he’d accidentally set fire to himself!

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 7: Strange Magic

2009-06-17T11:33:00.000-07:00

Episode 7: Strange Magic

Having been left in charge of the circus while Reggie Bunkler is away, roadie Truck Tarkenton was preparing to interview new acts when magician Artemus Jinx suddenly materialized out of nowhere. Artemus explained that his performance was no mere magic act…it was genuine magic. Artemus boasted that his staff had dabbed the tears of Satan.

Another prospective new act, daredevil Jack Lightning Jr., was inspecting the cannon for his human cannonball act. Just then, the circus’ current daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions came by, furious that Jack was looking to replace him. Jack proposed a stunt-challenge to see who would stay and who would go. For his part, Jack planned to superglue himself to a rogue elephant and then be fired into a herd of female elephants.

Strongman Viktor Busliftor went out to throw out his trash when he discovered Billie the Goat Lady grazing nearby. Viktor introduced himself and invited her in for borscht. Billie explained that she had come to join the circus, since losing her job at Popeye’s.

Contortionist Etzel the Human Pretzel was limbering up when Truck came by. Etzel greeted Truck as an old friend, mussing his hair and teasing him about how lousy his circus is.

Robbie went to Artemus Jinx for magical assistance in winning the stunt challenge. Robbie knew that he couldn’t outdo Jack, so he asked Artemus to change the truth that Jack was the better stuntman. Artemus asked if Robbie was willing to deal with the forces of darkness; when Robbie agreed, Artemus stabbed Robbie’s hand with his staff to draw blood. Robbie was immediately infused with great power.

Billie the Goat Lady met Jack Lightning Jr., who was slightly freaked out by her appearance. Billie told Jack that she was his greatest fan, and had his posters hanging on her walls. Jack invited her to his bedroom to see the posters he had on his walls.

Viktor and Etzel were playing foosball and reflecting on the concept of masculinity. Viktor had noticed that the circus turns traditional roles on end, with the bearded ladies, goat-women, and manly men in feminine costumes. Viktor had come to realize that he felt like a woman trapped in a superhuman male body, and he broke into a song about his gender confusion.

Jack Lightning Jr. and Bilie the Goat Lady were relaxing in the afterglow in Jack’s trailer. She asked if he wanted to see her udders.

In his lair, Artemus Jinx sensed that the axis of time had gone askew. He feared that by granting the power to Robbie, he may have unleashed forces that would doom the world.

In the center ring, Etzel the Human Pretzel presented the climax of his act by attempting to fit his entire body through an unstrung tennis racket. He failed miserably.

Jack Lightning Jr. came to Truck’s office regarding his new act. Truck revealed that, after Etzel’s horrible performance, he was rethinking the idea of hiring new talent. Desperate to be in the show, Jack offered a deal: If he dies during his act, Truck doesn’t have to revive him. He broke into a song pleading to prove himself the #1 stunt performer. Truck agreed, knowing that it would bring in a huge audience if Jack dies.

Robbie was preparing his new act, declaring in a deep demonic voice that his newest stunt will make the world run red with the blood of mortals. He noticed Billie the Goat Lady spying on him, and he told her how much he admired her cloven hooves. She explained that they came in handy for her tap-dancing act, which she then demonstrated. She went into the audience and turned the tap-dance into a lap-dance.

Viktor, now wearing a dress to reflect his inner woman, came to see Artemus Jinx. Artemus declared that he hadn’t seen Viktor since that time in Moscow, when he magically cured Viktor’s Chernobyl radiation poisoning by converting it into strength. Viktor thanked him for the “favor,” prompting Artemus to ask why he was using air-quotes. Viktor explained that used them for emphasis, and Artemus informed him that he’d been doing it wrong all those years. Getting back on track, Viktor asked another favor of Artemus: He wanted the sorcerer to make him a real woman. Artemus lamented that he had expended too much power when he helped Robbie, and could not grant Viktor’s wish. Taking matters into his own hands, Viktor castrated himself with Artemus’ staff.

Jack Lightning Jr. and Etzel were reminiscing about how Jack had taken in the orphaned Etzel as a child. Jack revealed that he had a confession: He may have been a father figure to Etzel, but he truly was the father of one of the other performers…namely, Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions.

In his trailer, Robbie was sitting in the lotus position and chanting backwards. Truck came in to confront him about his devil-worshipping, and Robbie declared that he was not worshipping Satan, he IS Satan. Truck warned Robbie that he knew from reading Chick tracts what this path leads to…it may start off with heavy-metal music and D&D games, but the next thing you know, you’re snorting coke off of a hooker’s labia. Reverting to his normal voice, Robbie asked “Really?”

In his trailer, Viktor was admiring his new female self, as he talked to his testicles (preserved in a jar on the shelf next to a bonsai tree).

The possessed Robbie was preparing his act when Jack came in and confessed that he was Robbie’s biological father. Though he acknowledged that Robbie’s REAL father was the man who raised and loved him all those years, Jack confessed that he still felt great paternal pride in Robbie’s accomplishments. In fact, he had kept clippings and posters of Robbie’s career on his walls. In response, Robbie asked “You know what I’ve got on my wall? YOUR SOUL!” With that, he snapped Jack’s neck.

Truck came to confront Artemus about his unleashing the devil on the circus. Artemus explained that he could set things right again, but it would require a sacrifice.

TRUCK: “Don’t tell me it’s a goat-lady.”
ARTEMUS: “That’s pretty much where I was going.”

Etzel was complaining about life in general to Billie when Truck passed by, leaving a trail of tin cans. As Billie was compelled to follow the trail, Etzel kept on ranting without noticing her absence.

The trail led Billie back to Artemus’ lair, who apologized for what he was about to do. The possessed Robbie entered just as Artemus slit Billie’s throat. Artemus then took his staff and literally beat the devil out of Robbie. When he came back to his senses, the unpossessed Robbie saw Billie’s body and asked whether he had done that. Artemus replied “Yes, you did,” then shouted for the police.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 6: You Say It's Your Birthday

2009-06-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

Episode 6: You Say It’s Your Birthday

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler, who now has a baby arm growing out of his chest, was teaching it how to write when Stoolts came back. As Reggie got up from his desk, we saw that he was also growing a leg out of his crotch. After recovering from this shocking sight, Stoolts explained that roadie Truck Tarkenton had attacked him. (“He knocked me down…and it takes me five minutes to fall down!”) Stoolts threatened to kill Truck; when Reggie protested, Stoolts countered “Well, he killed me first!”

Sasha was prettying herself up in front of her birthday mirror when Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm came in with a gift for her. After warning him that her accepting the gift did not mean they were in a relationship, she opened it to discover it was his tiger cub Schatzi. Gunther explained that, after Schatzi’s death, he had her stuffed by the finest German engineers, who put in a special microchip. Sasha cried that she couldn’t take Schatzi, fearing that she would destroy her all over again. She then did an interpretive dance which ended with her drop-kicking and then stomping on Schatzi.

Bearded lady Deb Henderson came to Truck’s workshop to confront him about his attack on Stoolts. He explained that he did it because he loved her…and the ultimate expression of love is killing a guy and taking his girl. Deb was disturbed by this talk of killing, but Truck reassured her that he would never kill her…unless she left him.

Since his mother had placed a curse on the circus, Viktor Busliftor had set up a laboratory and had managed to concoct a crystalline formula to absorb the curse like kitty litter. A drunken Stoolts wandered by and assumed Viktor had made a meth lab.

Sasha told Reggie that she had devised a special act for her birthday, which would end with the release of 100 white doves. Reggie protested that that was too expensive…at $483 per dove, that would be four grand. Sasha pointed out the error in his math. (“And you wonder why the circus is in trouble!”)

Gunther came to see Truck for advice on his relationship with Sasha. Gunther confessed that he was so smitten by Sasha, he had let his own act suffer so he wouldn’t outshine her. He used to have an act even more spectacular than hers…tigers on the high wire! Truck had no memory of this act, but then he was drunk most of the time. Truck advised Gunther to stop taking a backseat to her, and instead show her who’s the man.

Viktor was spreading the curse-bait around the perimeter of the circus when Sasha came by. Out of nowhere, Viktor confessed that he’d like to start experiencing all that life has to offer, starting with marijuana. She told him he could get some from Truck. Viktor then explained about his curse-bait, and warned her to stay away from it. She suggested he should put up a warning sign. (“No, then the curse will know it is there!”)

Deb came to see Reggie, terrified that somebody was going to be killed. Reggie told her that it was all her fault for leading on Truck. She lamented that she couldn’t break Stoolts’ heart, especially since it was his birthday as well (and nobody had noticed because Sasha was getting all the attention). Reggie suggested that she could bake Stoolts a special cake, and warn him about Truck’s threat by writing a secret message in the icing.

Sasha was practicing in the center ring when Stoolts came by, furious that her birthday was outshining his. He was so upset, he yanked off his red nose and threw it at her.

Truck was building a bomb in his workshop when Viktor came by to score some weed. Truck offered him some of his finest Siamese Kush, grown by Siamese twins. Truck explained that smoking this would let him see the future with one eye and the past with the other. When Viktor remarked that that seemed like a pretty heavy trip for his first time, Truck told him that he needs to see the future and the past in order to live in the now. Viktor bought the dope.

Gunther found the despondent Stoolts lamenting the loss of his nose. Gunther assuring the clown that no matter what else Stoolts may have lost, he had at least one true friend in him. (“I’d take a bullet for you.” “For me or from me?”)

Deb came to Sasha’s trailer to wish her a happy birthday and possibly bury the hatchet. Sasha accepted Deb’s peace offering, and in return, she let Deb look into her special Bolivian birthday mirror, which makes everything look more beautiful.

Reggie informed Truck that he would be leaving town for a circus managers’ conference, and he would be leaving Truck in charge during his absence. Truck declared that he had some changes in mind. Seeing the gleam in Truck’s eyes, Reggie demanded that he turn in his wrench so that he couldn’t do too much damage. Truck protested that he’d inherited that wrench from his grandfather, who went down on the Titanic. Reggie pointed out that the Titanic’s sinking only proved that a wrench can’t fix everything.

Viktor was getting high in the park when a passing stoner asked for a hit. The stoner then saw his childhood and his future offspring simultaneously, freaked out, and left. Gunther came by and took a puff, but he was okay with it. Gunther attempted warn Viktor that Stoolts might hurt somebody, but he was so stoned that he had to say his punctuation out loud as he spoke. Then they started playing hackey-sack with Stoolts’ red nose.

Truck brought Sasha a flatiron for her eyelashes, and wished her a happy birthday. Sasha replied by saying “Happy birthday” in turn, then went into a stand-up routine about saying the same thing back to people even when it’s an inappropriate response.

Stoolts was wandering around when Reggie came by to wish him a happy birthday. The drunken Stoolts mistook Reggie for Truck and hit him with his helmet. Stoolts complained about always getting the shitty end of the birthday cake—that last piece from the corner with the too-sugary rose. Ironically, Reggie had brought that very piece. Just then, Deb came in with a gift for Stoolts—his nose. As she put it back on his face, Stoolts realized it was true love. He proposed by placing his beer bottle on her finger.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 5: Arms and the Man

2009-06-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

Episode 5: Arms and the Man

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions and Sealman Rushdie were recuperating from their respective injuries in the circus’ infirmary. Having been clubbed by Irina Busliftor, Sealman needed a skull transplant—or, failing that, he could take Robbie’s helmet. Robbie explained that, after his numerous head injuries, his helmet was the only thing holding his brain inside his head…just as his spandex jumpsuit was the only thing holding his body together (having donated all his skin for grafts for all the kids he’d burned in his last stunt). Robbie lamented that he could never be naked again.

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office when Robbie came in and punched him for not visiting him in the infirmary. After Robbie left, Mrs. Busliftor entered and took all the money from the Swear Jar. She informed him that she had come to take her son Viktor back to Russia, explaining that her homeland needed a strong man to take charge, so she was going to reinstate him as the new Czar. She then revealed that she was prepared to buy Viktor’s freedom with sex, placing her leg on Reggie’s desk Mrs. Robinson-style. Reggie was repulsed yet transfixed by her attempt to seduce him.

Truck Tarkenton was apologizing to Stoolts for having dinner with Stoolts’ girlfriend Deb Henderson, explaining that it was a blind date and that he didn’t know he was being fixed up with Deb. Stoolts warned that he would kill Truck if Truck saw Deb again.

Deb and Viktor were having tea together. Viktor rhapsodized on the superiority of Asian tea to European tea, explaining that Oolong was “honest tea.” Deb replied that she admired honesty.

Reggie ran to the infirmary, panicked by his encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. He started to tell Sealman about it, but found he could only express his dismay by breaking into a song titled “I Feel So Dirty.”

Viktor looked in his refrigerator for some water and was shocked to discover a bottle of vodka and a box of condoms. He confronted his mother about her drinking and whoring, and she explained that she had done it for the sake of his freedom. He retorted that he didn’t want to go back to Russia—if she wants to take him back, she would have to drag him there until he dies. He continued by explaining that he didn’t want to rule Russia; he was content with the small pleasure that came from an audience’s applause. She proposed that they compromise by taking over America instead.

Deb was giving Robbie a shoulder rub (as therapy for his injury, nothing else) and asking advice on her relationship with Stoolts. Robbie, true to his ‘Bad Decisions’ nickname, recommended that she keep moving from one relationship to the next before they get stale. Just then, Stoolts came in to break the news about Reggie’s encounter with Mrs. Busliftor. Seeing Deb with her hands on Robbie’s shoulders, he called her a “bearded hooker.”

Truck came to Reggie’s office and found Reggie in a state of shock. When Reggie explained how Mrs. Busliftor had seduced him, Truck was awestruck. He explained that he’d heard rumors about Mrs. Busliftor’s amazing sexual powers—her vagina was a healer. Truck reported that the one-armed Def Leppard drummer used to have no arms at all before he slept with her. When Reggie protested that he didn’t feel healed, Truck reassured him that in the morning, Reggie would wake up as a brand new man, “Reggie 2.0.”

The next morning, Reggie woke up to discover a baby arm growing out of his chest. He screamed in anguish.

Viktor came to see Sealman to discuss what to do about Viktor’s mother. They realized that they needed to get rid of her, but couldn’t figure out how to do it. Sealman suggested that they could arrange an “accident” by using the most accident-prone person in the circus: Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Knisions.

Fed up with Stoolts’ jealousy, Deb ran to Truck for help. Truck informed her that Stoolts had threatened his life, and that he might have to kill Stoolts first for their own protection. Deb was outwardly dismayed, but secretly attracted by Truck’s dangerous bad-boy persona. (“Your mouth says no, but your breasts say yes.”)

Irina Busliftor encountered Stoolts and was impressed by his stature. Since her son was unwilling to take up the mantle of Czar, she asked Stoolts to come to Russia and take power with her. Confused, Stoolts started asking many questions about how the Russian election process worked, until Irina cut him off by saying that he was thinking too much. Stoolts took that as a compliment.

Robbie was practicing his newest stunt, riding his bike while lifting a barbell. Viktor and Sealman came to see him and were surprised to see Robbie stealing Viktor’s act. Robbie boasted that he could do the work of everybody in the circus: He has Viktor’s strength, Sealman’s musical talent, and Deb’s facial hair. And he toured with the Scorpions, just like Truck.

Reggie came to Deb’s trailer, hoping that Truck could help him with his new third arm. As Reggie and Deb talked, she opened up about her relationship problems. Reggie advised her to ignore Robbie’s advice and follow her heart. In turn, she suggested that Reggie follow his baby arm. The baby arm gripped Reggie’s finger, and he was suddenly filled with parental pride.

In preparation for his new position as Czar, Stoolts was practicing Russian jokes. Caught up in his monologue, he failed to notice Truck sneaking up behind him with a wrench. Truck swung the wrench, and Stoolts went down like a giant redwood.

Irina Busliftor was sitting in the empty center ring, singing Russian songs and basking in the imaginary applause. Sealman and Robbie sneaked in to eliminate her, but upon seeing her, Robbie was instantly smitten. Robbie took her in his arms and blew on her pinwheel (no, that’s not a metaphor). Just then, Viktor entered, shocked by the sight. Irina broke away from Robbie’s embrace, fed up with all the craziness. She placed a Russian curse on the entire circus: “May your child’s arms grow out of your chests, and may death befall you all!” With that, she vanished in a puff of smoke, to Robbie’s dismay and Viktor’s relief.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 4: Mother Russia

2009-05-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

Episode 4: Mother Russia

Circus owner Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire staff, explaining that the circus needed to change its name to duck all the lawsuits against it. Everyone began brainstorming new names. Viktor suggested “Smokey and the Bandit.” Truck proposed “The Guaranteed Somebody’s Gonna Die Circus.” Sasha offered “The Sasha Experience.” Deb countered with “The Sasha’s a Big Bitch Experience.”

Stoolts asked Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm for advice on his girl troubles, explaining that Deb had caught him talking to Sasha and getting an erection. (“Now she’s gonna leave me, and we were gonna open a pizza place someday!”) The conversation drifted onto the subject of pizza.

Sasha and Sealman were having ice cream together and discussing the circus’ new name. Sealman considered a meaningless, one-word name like upscale restaurants use. When Sasha suggested that he write down his ideas, he confessed that he couldn’t read or write…and he needed to learn so that he could realize his dream of joining the Atlanta Sympathy Orchestra. Sasha told him that he first needed to get rid of his defeatist attitude.

Strongman Viktor Busliftor came to Truck’s workshop, where Truck was sawing off the end of a shotgun. Truck proposed a new act, where Viktor would set his mustache on fire, and Truck would put it out with a shotgun. Viktor replied that he had done that before—that was how his face got the way it is now. They discussed the possibility of Viktor getting a face transplant.

Reggie called Deb into his office to discuss the decline in her customer-service skills. She explained that she’d been preoccupied with her relationship with Stoolts. When Reggie pointed out that fraternization between co-workers was against the rules, she protested “I’m a bearded lady! If I don’t get any here, I’m not gonna get any anywhere!” She then explained that her jealousy over Sasha had driven her into a murderous rage, and she suggested that she put that rage to good use by becoming the circus’ official hitman. Reggie replied that he didn’t need anyone killed, then tried to calm her down by setting her up on a blind date.

Sasha and Gunther had a heart-to-heart about their love/hate relationship. She explained that she could not deal with his beauty, as it drew attention away from her. As they bickered, the sexual tension grew until they threw themselves into each other’s arms.

Sealman and Truck were watching girls walk by, making lewd comments.

Deb was in her train car, angrily baking rat-poison treats, when Stoolts came by to apologize for his encounter with Sasha. (“It wasn’t like my pants were down…because I can’t take my clothes off.”) He then explained that he couldn’t help it if Sasha’s attracted to him—after all, he’s tall, sensitive, and has read all the ‘Twilight’ novels.

Reggie called Viktor to his office, where Viktor asked Reggie the purpose of Reggie’s ‘Swear Jar.’ Reggie explained that he kept the circus clean by making everybody put in money when they use profanity, and that money would go to the performers (in the form of a skee-ball party) at the end of the year. They then turned to a more pressing matter—the impending visit by Viktor’s mother. Just then, Mrs. Busliftor arrived, screeching her son’s name. Reggie mistook the shrill, blaring cry for an elephant’s death rattle.

Later, Viktor was showing his mother around the circus, though she was unimpressed. She wanted him to return to Russia, declaring that he’s wasting away and becoming a decadent American. As proof, she pointed out that he now smells of Old Spice.

In Gunther’s train car, Sasha and Gunther were attempting to keep their passion under control. She declared that it would never work out, as she knows from his flamboyant costumes and luxurious hair that he’s gay. When he protested that she was stereotyping him, she pointed out that his very name is “Gayfer.” He insisted that his attraction for her was real, and they lay down upon Gunther’s tiny bed. Having to assume a contorted pose to fit on the bed, Sasha worried that everybody could see her butt.

Deb was prettying herself up when her blind date arrived—Truck Tarkenton. Truck gave her some flowers, and she served her special Chicken Royale recipe (chicken and green beans). Just then, Stoolts came by to share the news that Sasha had shown her butt to everyone. Seeing Deb and Truck together, Stoolts shouted “What the fuck’s going on?” Then he threw some money towards the Swear Jar, since he couldn’t walk that far.

Afterwards, Stoolts poured out his heart to Sealman, who declared that he was going to make a man of Stoolts by finding another woman for him. Just then, Irina Busliftor walked by. When Sealman approached her to fix her up with Stoolts, she clubbed Sealman with a large bone.

Leaving their respective liaisons, Sasha and Deb ran into each other. They argued and insulted each other viciously.

Viktor and Gunther were playing ping-pong and discussing Mrs. Busliftor’s visit. When Viktor complained that his mother drives him crazy, Gunther sympathetically replied that he doesn’t love his parents either. Viktor clarified that he wasn’t going that far—he never said he didn’t love his mother, just that she drove him crazy. Gunther further explained that he and his parents were emotionally cut off from each other—Gunther is carrying on his family lion-taming tradition, though his father isn’t there to see it. Viktor suggested that Gunther mend fences with his parents, then realized he should take his own advice. They then came up with an idea for a new act—Gunther would move from lion-taming to mother-taming.

Truck was telling Reggie about his date with Deb. (“We had chicken and green beans from a can, then she got in a fight with her boyfriend. Best date ever.”) Grateful for Reggie fixing them up, Truck said that he owed Reggie a big debt and would do anything to pay him back. Reggie immediately called in that favor, explaining that Sealman had been clubbed…and since the circus couldn’t afford a vet, they needed Truck to check him for brain damage.

Reggie revealed the circus’ new name: “The Smokey and the Bandit Imminent Death Family Circus.”

Stoolts picked up Mrs. Busliftor for their date, hoping that she would soon segue into speaking English like in ‘Hunt for Red October.’

Taking the stage for his big number, the injured Sealman sang a chorus of “Sunday Bloody Sunday,” then immediately collapsed.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 3: Mail Call

2009-05-20T15:33:00.000-07:00

Episode 3: Mail Call

Daredevil Robbie ‘Bad Decisions’ Kniesions prepared for his greatest stunt ever: jumping his bike over eight burning short buses full of special-needs kids. While the jump itself went off without a hitch, the fire-extinguishing foam in his exhaust pipe failed to go off.

One week later, circus owner Reggie Bunkler was in his office looking over the many lawsuits filed by the kids’ families. Roadie Truck Tarkenton pointed out that Robbie’s stunt was fundamentally flawed, in that motorcycle exhaust pipes are not fire extinguishers. Truck then took the list of the plaintiffs’ names and addresses, telling Reggie that he’s better off not knowing what Truck plans to do.

Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm was attempting to train Sealman Rushdie to jump through a hoop, despite Sealman’s protests that he’s a musician, not a stunt performer. Gunther cried that he needed a new act to overcome his heartbreak over the loss of his tiger cub Schatzi (whose death Gunther still believed to be an accident). Sealman tried to inspire Gunther with a ballad about life: “You Swim With the Current, Swim Against the Tide.”

Bearded lady Deb Henderson and strongman Viktor Busliftor were working the crowd with their “Guess Your Wallet” game (with Deb using her X-ray vision to scan the contents of a volunteer’s purse). When Deb guessed incorrectly, Viktor called off the act as Deb wondered how her powers could have failed. Just then, Truck brought them some mail. Deb’s letter was from her mother, Delta Burke, demanding that Deb stop using her name and bringing shame to the family. Viktor’s letter was even worse news—his mother is coming to visit.

Stoolts and Robbie were having coffee together. Never having tasted coffee before, Stoolts didn’t know not to down five shots of espresso in one gulp. Hopped-up on caffeine, Stoolts began moving so fast that it was as if Robbie was in slow-motion.

Aerialist Sasha was meditating in her train cart when Truck came in to bring her a letter. She angrily scolded him for interrupting her meditation. (“Don’t you know I could have gotten stuck in another dimension?”) He explained that, even though he’s been screening her fan-mail, he believed this one was personal. Sasha read the letter, which turned out to be from a morbidly obese 12-year-old girl who idolizes Sasha and wants to be like her. Sasha ranted even more furiously over his bringing her a fan letter.

Viktor came into Reggie’s office to warn him about the impending visit from Viktor’s mother. Viktor explains that once she comes, she will never leave until she takes over the circus as its new star attraction. When Reggie asked what makes her such a big deal, Viktor explained “She glows in the dark, to begin with.”

Sealman was practicing his moves when Truck came in with a letter. Since Sealman couldn’t open it with his flippers, Truck read it for him: “Sealman, your days are numbered. I will eat you. Frank.” To explain this threat, Sealman dropped some mysterious hints about his past:

SEALMAN: “There’s a reason they call it the deadliest catch.”
TRUCK: “Crabs?”

Having taken Sealman’s song to heart, Gunther decided to leave the circus and go off to “swim with the current.” Truck came by with a letter, but Gunther just walked on by.

Deb was baking cookies when Stoolts ran in, still on his caffeine high. Deb told him about the letter from her mother, lamenting “Delta Burke doesn’t want a freak for a daughter.” Stoolts replied “Well, I want a freak for a wife.” They discussed going on the run together, like Bonnie and Clyde (or maybe Clyde and Clyde).

Sasha and Robbie were bickering, though they knew their mutual dislike was based on his sexual frustration. He’d lost his penis in a stunt, jumping over angry crabs, and since then he could only get phantom-limb erections. Just then, Truck brought in a letter for Robbie, reading “Please jump over the ice-cream man. He’s weird.” Comparing the handwriting on their letters, Sasha deduced that the same obese child had written Robbie’s letter, presumably so she could steal the ice cream after Robbie’s stunt scares off the ice-cream man.

Sealman came into Reggie’s office, gripped with fear for the first time in his life. He explained that Frank was after him…then stated that FRANK wasn’t a person, but an acronym.

Viktor went to see Stoolts for advice about his mother’s upcoming visit. Stoolts shared something his father had told him: “If you’re ever in a situation where your life is in danger, you better have lived a good life.” When Viktor explained that it wasn’t their lives so much as their livelihoods that were threatened, Stoolts said that in that case, it’s time to fuck people up.

As he walked away, Gunther realized that he couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Truck. He turned around and returned to the circus.

Robbie and Sasha asked Truck to help them get into the mail train so they could find out where these crazy letters were coming from. Robbie kept interrupting as Sasha tried to explain the situation, until she got fed up and cut him out of the plan. Robbie replied that he’d been deliberately inept so that she’d leave him out of it.

Sasha then went to Viktor to enlist his help with her mail-train scheme. When Viktor told her about his own letter, she asked to see the handwriting on it. Unfortunately, he didn’t have it on him.

Stoolts was practicing some jokes when Deb came by to tell him that, despite his proposal, she was upset that he’d called her a freak. When he said “Chill out, ZZ Top,” she got even angrier. Stoolts was excited and aroused by the fact that they were having their first fight.

Robbie snuck into Reggie’s office to get back his bike (which Reggie had confiscated after the disastrous stunt). When the noise woke up Reggie, Reggie warned Robbie that he’d have to pay for disfiguring those 300 kids. Reggie then explained that he had made a deal to settle the suit…all the kids’ skin grafts would come from Robbie himself. Faced with the choice of losing his skin or being cut from the show, Robbie agreed to give up his skin.

Gunther came to say goodbye to Truck, but after speaking to him, Gunther decided to stay with the circus after all. Truck started to confess that he had killed Schatzi, but then remembered he still had a letter for Gunther. Gunther read it: “Meow! Help me! Isabelle, the white tiger from the Dunwoody Circus.” Realizing that Isabelle (Schatzi’s grandmother) was in trouble, Gunther swore to rescue her. Truck agreed to help, to make up for killing Schatzi.

Sasha talked Stoolts into helping her break into the mail train, and they began flirting with each other. Just then, Deb walked in and saw them together. Playing innocent, Stoolts turned to Sasha and shouted “Get away from me, you hooker!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 2: Bad Decisions

2009-05-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

Episode 2: Bad Decisions

Talking sea lion Sealman Rushdie were relaxing by the pool as the bearded lady Deb Henderson congratulated him on his performance. He explained that every time he plays the horns, he puts his sould into it, and a little bit of his soul drifts out into the troposphere. Worried that he might lose his soul entirely, Deb suggested that he quit and go back to the sea. When he replied that it wasn’t safe for him to return, she sympathized, explaining that she could no longer go back home to Chatsworth since she was part of a prostitution ring there. Sealman was impressed (and attracted) by the revelation of her dark side.

Daredevil Robbie “Bad Decisions” Kniesions was preparing to jump his bike over a dozen angry porcupines when circus owner Reggie Bunkler came by to discuss the budget. Robbie suggested an idea that could get them grant money: He would jump his bike over 8 buses full of special-needs kids, with the buses set on fire; his bike would then spray fire-extinguisher foam on them, and then the circus would be rewarded for saving the children. Reggie warned Robbie that the stunt was too dangerous for a man in Robbie’s condition—he’d had so many head injuries that his helmet was the only thing holding his brains in. Robbie angrily insisted that nobody would stop him.

Strongman Viktor Busliftor was holding up the big top as roadie Truck Tarkenton repaired the bolts. Viktor asked Truck for a favor…he needed Truck to mail a card to his mother in Russia. Viktor warned that if he doesn’t get the card in the mailbox today, the entire circus could die.

Animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm and trapeze artist Sasha were shopping in the Food Lion and arguing about their billing status. Tired of the bickering, Sasha decided they should have a final showdown to decide who is the better performer.

Robbie and Sealman were recruiting special kids for the stunt, when Robbie made a bigoted anti-sea-lion remark and a fight broke out. After the melee, Robbie explained that his father had died when he swerved his bike to avoid a seal, then crashed into a box of glass. Ever since then, he’s held a grudge against aquatic mammals…but he wants to change. Sealman accepted his apology…but when Robbie referred to the special kids as “tards,” Sealman started beating him up again.

Sasha was rehearsing on the trapeze when Truck swung by on a zip-line to work on the lights. Impressed by his skill, she told him about her challenge to Gunther. She could see two ways of outdoing Gunther’s act—either she and Truck could work out an incredible aerial act together, or Truck could kill Gunther’s star tiger cub Schatzi. (“I could just twist its neck like a pickle jar…a furry pickle jar that coughs up blood.”)

Reggie Bunkler called a meeting of the entire circus, informing them that their fairground permit had been revoked, and they would have to perform at an abandoned chemical storage plant. Sasha proposed that the circus could save money by firing everybody except her. A massive argument broke out among everybody, until Reggie pulled them all together with an inspirational speech.

Deb had baked some borscht pastries for Viktor, who was amazed by the taste of Russia. As they discussed the circus’ future, Viktor explained that he wasn’t worried about anything, as long as his mother gets her card. Just then, Truck ran by the thent in a panic. When Deb remarked on Truck’s speed, Viktor realized that she could see through the tent. He suggested that she use her X-ray vision to help the circus, by guessing the contents of the patrons’ wallets (then claiming it as a prize for guessing correctly). Deb protested that she didn’t want her super-powers to be known, because she was afraid of scientists cutting her brain open.

Truck ran to Gunther for help, explaining that he needed to get to the post office super-fast before it was too late. Gunther told him to ride his tiger Schatzi. (“Her backbone is strong, though her neck is weak.”) Torn between his earlier discussion with Sasha and the trust Gunther had placed in him, Truck tearfully rode off.

When Robbie mocked Sealman’s performance of “Stairway to Heaven,” Sealman retorted by insulting Robbie’s spandex-clad physique. (“I have a thyroid condition!”) Robbie began a monologue on the stressful life of a daredevil, and his constant attempts to live up to his father’s reputation through more and more dangerous stunts.

At the Food Lion, Gunther and Sasha faced off for their challenge. Gunther suggested that, rather than fight each other, they unite against a common enemy—the circus itself. Just then, Reggie rushed in to stop the fight, and they confronted him about their pay. Viktor and Deb came in to do some shopping, buying sirloin and arugala for Deb’s latest recipe. Reggie was shocked that they could afford it, and Viktor explained their new “Guess Your Wallet” game.

Sasha confessed to Gunther that she had urged Truck to kill Schatzi. Just then, Truck wandered by, staring in shock at his hands. Assuming the worst, Sasha offered to replace Schatzi by dressing in a cat costume and becoming part of his act. Suddenly, Sealman Rushdie rushed in and declared that he had solved the circus’ financial woes—he had raised $34,000 by pickpocketing all the special-needs kids.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 14, Episode 1: Here Comes the Circus

2009-05-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

Episode 1: Here Comes the Circus

Reggie Bunkler, recent inheritor of the Bunkler Brothers Family Circus, was going over some paperwork in his office when Mr. Bibby the clown knocked on the door. Bibby revealed that he was in desperate need of new kidneys, and needed help from Bunkler because the circus doesn’t provide health insurance. Bunkler explained that he couldn’t afford to help him, because the circus was a half a million dollars in debt. Bibby responded with a sad note on his slide-whistle.

Sasha, the circus’ star acrobat/trapeze artist was stretching in her trailer when Russian strongman Viktor Busliftor knocked on the door. They engaged in a little flirtation, finally proposing a picnic with champagne and strawberries (“nature’s kidneys”).

In the tiger’s den, animal trainer Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm had just finished delivering a new tiger cub, whom he named Schatzi. He informed the cub that it would be replacing its mother as the circus’ new attraction—sadly, he would soon have to put down the mother tiger to harvest a replacement kidney for Mr. Bibby. Just then, the bearded lady Deb Henderson arrived, complaining about Bibby’s return. (“He only comes around when he wants something!”) Gunther let her hold the newborn cub.

Stoolts the clown was preparing for his act, as Truck the roadie did some adjustments to his stool-stilts. Stoolts reminisced about his humble beginnings, explaining that when he was a child, his mother put him in a crate of cherry bombs, accidentally blowing off his legs. To replace his lost limbs, his father attached two stools to his stumps, and since then, he’s made himself an inspiration to legless kids everywhere.

Sealman Rushdie, the talking sea lion, was rehearsing his new act: a rousing rendition of “All Along the Watchtower.” Mr. Bibby arrived and informed Sealman that he needed a new kidney…and he was willing to resort to desperate measures. (“Sometimes it’s an eat-world-eat world. It’s an eye for an eat!”) Sealman and Bibby began fighting, with Sealman finally knocking the clown down.

Viktor and Sasha were walking the tightrope, as Viktor reflected that this was a bad idea after a champagne picnic. However, it was the only way he could work up the nerve to win her heart. Upset by his presumptiousness, Sasha declared that her heart was not for the taking.

Truck and Deb complimented each other on their facial hair.

Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm entered Bunkler’s trailer to inform him that he had harvested his tiger’s kidney for Mr. Bibby. Shocked, Bunkler exclaimed that he didn’t have to do that…he’d explained before that it was a 50/50 chance they’d need it. Tragically, with Gunther’s poor grasp of English, he had thought Bibby needed 50 kidneys, of which this would be the first. Despondent, Gunther sang a song about how much his tiger meant to him.

Sasha ran into Mr. Bibby and asked him about his condition. (“I have about 45-60 minutes left.”) She informed him that she had three kidneys, and that she would gladly give him one—if he could find it. Bibby searched her, and finally realized that the kidney was in her kiss. As they embraced, Viktor walked in.

Sealman and Stoolts were racing to get the last fish sandwich in the snack bar. Sealman easily beat Stoolts, but decided to share the sandwich because Stoolts was the only human who truly understood him.

Victor asked why Sasha had left him on the high wire, especially since he couldn’t turn around to see she had left. She apologized, explaining that she flees whenever things get intense. Interrupting, Bibby observed how muscular Viktor’s kidney area was. He challenged Viktor for his kidney, and they played tug-of-war by grabbing Sasha’s arms. In the end, Viktor released his grip, and Bibby mocked Viktor’s “weakness.”

Gunther came to see Truck, in need of his mechanical expertise. Gunther explained that he had removed his tiger’s kidney, and he needed a robotic replacement. After an extended period of confusion as to whether he needed a replacement kidney or a replacement tiger, Gunther pointed out that a kidney wouldn’t provide much of a show for the audience, so he needed an entire robotic tiger. When Truck pointed out that the weight of a robot tiger would surely crush him, Gunther contemplated some way of getting Viktor’s strength.

Stoolts went to visit Deb in her trailer.

DEB: “Guess what I made for you?”
STOOLTS: “A baby?”

She replied that, despite their night of passion, that wasn’t what she was talking about. Instead, she’d baked him a Coca-Cola cake. He declared it delicious, THEN took a bite. (“Yeah, I was right!”)

Sealman Rushdie came into Reggie Bunkler’s office to request vacation time for the upcoming mating season. Bunkler replied that, with the circus’ financial situation, the best he could do would be to give him upaid leave. Furious, Sealman accused Bunkler of discriminating against him because he’s an animal. (As if to prove the point, Viktor interrupted and asked for the rest of the week off, and Bunkler agreed.) Sealman threatened to quit, saying that he’d been working out some new moves to audition for Cirque du Soleil. Sealman then demonstrated his new act.

Viktor was standing on top of the circus train, contemplating his loss of the tug-of-war and considering suicide. He speculated that the Chernobyl radiation that had given him his strength was wearing off, and decided to go through airport security and get too many X-rays. Just then, Stoolts walked by to offer a sympathetic ear. After assuring Viktor that he was the strongest man both inside and out, Stoolts went on to explain that suicide was no solution: “I tried jumping off the train myself. It didn’t work…I was taller than it.”

Basking in the afterglow with Mr. Bibby, Sasha suddenly realized that Bibby had taken her third kidney during their passionate encounter. Furious, she accused him of using her, and he readily agreed. Now that he had what he wanted, it was time for him to move on. He left her his hat as a parting gift, and said that perhaps one day he’d return and fix this circus. Sasha angrily replied “This fircus is unsixable!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

The New Season Begins!

2009-05-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

The new season of SCANDAL! has just begun at Dad's Garage Theatre Company, so let the synopses begin!

This season, SCANDAL! takes us under the big top, at the Bunkler Brothers Family Circus. And now, our cast of characters:

REGGIE BUNKLER, "The Owner" (Matt Horgan)
Reggie Bunkler very recently inherited the ownership and General Manager duties for the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus due to an unfortunate and not-well-thought-out deathbed promise to his father. He left 24 years and a directorship at FedEx to come here and not a day goes by that he doesn't kick himself in the nuts about it. But now that he is here, he might as well whip this motley crew of addicts, freaks, and pervers into business shape!

SASHA, "The Star" (Amber Nash)
Sasha dazzles audiences weekly with her high flying, heart pounding, hormone dripping, humanly impossible feats. Whether on the trapeze or contorting her body on the back of an elephant that has been set ablaze, it's a show not to be missed.

GUNTHER GAYFER-WILHELM, "The Lion Tamer" (Rene Dellefont)
Born in the small town of Wiener-Neustadt, Austria, Gunther Gayfer-Wilhelm always had an incredible rapport with animals, especially cats. Gunther joined the world of the circus in 1969 when he ran off with the Herzog Zirkus of Dusseldorf. A self-taught pussy tamer, Gayfer-Wilhelm's fame peaked in the late '70s after joining the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus. After Sasha the sizzling new trapeze artist joined the Bunkler Bros., Gayfer-Wilhelm found his top-billing status decline to second-billing.

COREY CLARK a.k.a. STOOLTS, "The Clown" (Mike Schatz)
Corey Clark from Cartersville, Georgia refers to himself as a "Circus Spectacle." As a child, Corey lost both of his legs when his mother placed him in a crate of cherry bombs in the family-owned fireworks sotre. Now he stands high above his fellow performers as the clown on stilts--or in Corey's case, two stools that are not only the main feature of his act, but also serve as his prosthetic legs. Corey is as friendly as he can be and completely content with the world he lives in, despite the fact that he cannot sit or lay down...probably due to the years of pain pills. He loves his view of the world and it is his innocence that leads people to take advantage of him. He is often talked into doing things that go against his better judgment so as not to let anyone down.

SEALMAN RUSHDIE, "The Circus Sea Lion" (Dan Triandiflou)
Sealman Rushdie is a nomad; a gypsy soul. His real name? Wouldn't you like to know? He lost his Mom at an early age (to a Grape Shasta six-pack holder) and he never knew his Dad. He goes wherever the current or music takes him. A virtuoso of the horns, his repertoire crosses all genres and preconceived notions. Whether it's Mozart or Mos Def, it's all a hot, wet jam! After being dragged to land in a trawl net that was owned by an underground Japanese poaching syndicate, he convinced his captors to let him live by playing Baba O'Riley on an assortment of empty Coca-Cola bottles. They agreed, at which point he mauled them to death. Soon, he was persued all over the ocean as a vigilante, a renegade. He emerged every now and then to play gigs and make some fish. He was discovered at Blind Willie's, and was lured to the circus by the prospect of a steady herring supply in a landlocked city. However, deep down Sealman knows that in his world, the peace never lasts long.

DEBORAH 'DEB' HENDERSON, "The Beared Lady" (Megan Leahy)
Deb was on her way to becoming a bright beauty queen in the world of child pageantry when that most dreaded of life's challenges--puberty--hit. Deb's once bright future quickly became darker when the mixture of hormones and Eastern European heritage created a hairy cocktail. To avoid the pain and shame this would bring to her mother, Delta Burke (a former beauty queen herself), Deb decided to find a place she could belon--and a sideshow star was born! Deb has found a wonderful family with the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus and likes to act as its mother hen. There's always a shoulder to cry on and a freshly baked cookie in her train car. Although most of the sideshow acts have been eliminated by the management, Deb is sure her place in the circus is safe. She's been around a long time and though she may not be a star, she still shines brightly.

VIKTOR BUSLIFTOR, "The Strongman" (Matt Stanton)
Viktor, age 44, escaped capitalist Russia in 2003. His quest to lift entire families in SUVs led Viktor to Atlanta, where he first manually operated the sky lift at Stone Mountain. He is found of a challenge, sporting his onesie 24/7 and can be counted on to help anyone move into a new place. Smelling of sports cream and onions, the Busliftor trailer has seen some wild times. Will he ever regain his youth?

TRUCKSTOP TARKENTON a.k.a. TRUCK, "The Roadie" (Randy Havens)
Truck is a professional roadie. He's toured with Maiden, the Nuge...all the greats. In the mid-'80s he left the rock world behind and began his search for "something magical." The Bunkler Bros. Family Circus is where he's ended up. He considers himself a sort of peace-keeper at the circus, playing mediator in all manner of circus disputes. He's also in charge of giving backstage passes to audience members that the performers want to f***.

HORATIO BARNSWALLOW, "The Ringmaster" (Lucky Yates)
Horatio Barnswallow has been with the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus for 35 years. He started out as a "scoop boy" following Dolly the Elephant everywhere she went. Soon he became a clown's assistant, then a Junior Cannonballer, and finally after Ezekial Kretch suffered a heart attack mid-show, Horatio took the reins as Ringmaster and never looked back. Sure, there might be some more expensive, fancy-pants circuses out there, but Horatio thinks that the Bunkler Bros. Family Circus is as good as it should get.

Season 12, Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

2009-03-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

And now, the final episode of Season 12...and since I started off this archive with Season 13, we are now all caught up with the past SCANDAL! summaries. Season 14 begins in May, so I'll return with the new synopses then. See you at Dad's Garage!

Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

In the great room, Bixie Biederback was preparing to announce which of the contestants had won Iceland, when producer Vivian LaDouche burst in with an announcement. The network had been bought by Spike TV, and to conform to Spike standards, they would need to have 42 nut-kicks, 20 sexual encounters, and 10 fires before the end of the show…so get cracking. This would have to be the most outrageous episode ever, or they were all finished. Poncey Highland responded by kicking Vivian in the crotch. (“41 more!”)

Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at Hello Pizza Kitty, discussing Vivian’s new demands. Lance assured Miller that he didn’t have anything to worry about…all Miller had to do is get high, and outrageous stuff is bound to happen.

Dorothy was doing some spring cleaning in her trash can when Poncey came by. She explained that she wasn’t worried about satisfying Vivian and winning the prize, since she could get along just fine without Iceland. Poncey pointed out that Iceland has magical powers, but she responded that she had powers of her own, and demonstrated by wishing her umbrella to come to her. Poncey asked if she could grant his wish of getting his pet-grooming salon back, and she told him that the power was within himself.

In her office, Bixie was arguing with Vivian about his interference with the show, but Vivian was too busy talking with the Spike executives on his cell phone. After finishing the call, Vivian let her in on his big secret: He never intended to give away Iceland at all; instead, he planned a REAL big finish. When all the contestants are gathered in the sauna for the “announcement,” they’ll be gassed to death…a sure-fire ratings-grabber. When Bixie objected, he knocked her out and stole her glasses.

Miller and Dorothy were up on the roof, discussing their plans for the future. Miller figured that, once the show was over, he could go back to medical school, perhaps in Iceland…and he’d be happy to let her live in the dumpster behind his dorm. Touched by his offer, Dorothy offered him a can of chicken in gravy.

Wandering blindly through the halls, Bixie ran into Poncey. She told him about Vivian’s plans to kill everybody, and he angrily blamed her for leading them to this situation. After calming down, Poncey agreed to guide Bixie to her office. As she walked off in the direction Poncey had pointed her, ominous music played…

Vivian and Lance were in the editing room, going over the footage of Poncey kicking Vivian in the nuts. Just then, they got a phone call from Bob Saget, offering to do funny voice-overs for the nut-kick scene. (“Hang up, he’s tracing the call!”) Vivian then informed Lance that he was planning an ice-cream party in the sauna; he asked Lance to bring the ice-cream…and some 30-weight iron chains to wrap around the doors.

Miller went to Poncey’s room to forge an alliance, and discovered Bixie trapped underneath Poncey’s bed. Poncey told Miller that he’d learned something very important about Bixie. Trying to guess what the secret could be, Miller asked “Bixie, do you have a penis?” She answered “Yes”…she’d been a man all along, but nobody had ever bothered to ask.

Dorothy was in the kitchen when Lance entered. Dorothy confronted him for breaking her heart…she appreciated that he killed his wife for her, but was upset that he hadn’t given her a ring. He told her that he wanted to her to settle down with his family in Iceland, but he needed money to make that happen. She revealed that she had plenty of money saved up, but she never mentioned it because she didn’t want him to love her for her millions. With his financial future secured, Lance proposed…and she accepted.

Vivian LaDouche was up on the roof, talking on the phone with the other network executives about his plans for the finale. Just then, he got another call, which turned out to be…Bob Saget. (“You can’t escape me, LaDouche. Saget knows everything!”) Vivian hung up and returned to his bosses, only to be interrupted by yet another call. (“Saget, you’re fucking dead! Oh, sorry, Mom.”)

In the confession booth, Poncey told Lance that he was having strange feelings now that he’d learned something surprising about Bixie. Before Poncey could explain that Bixie was really a man, the confused Lance attempted to clarify how Poncey should feel by comparing Poncey and Bixie to bears. When that metaphor failed, Lance suggested using monkeys instead.

Dorothy ran into Bixie and gave her the good news about her engagement, explaining that she and Lance were going to be wed in the sauna room. Bixie warned her to stay away from the sauna, explaining all about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody. Bixie offered to stay behind and sacrifice herself to give Dorothy and Lance a chance to escape (“I’ve got nothing to live for anyway”). Dorothy announced that nobody was going to die today. (“I fought in the Korean War, motherfucker!”) Nevertheless, just in case they never saw each other again, Bixie had a farewell gift for Dorothy. With that, Bixie reached into her blouse and pulled out one of her fake boobs. (Dorothy: “Well, I certainly need these!”)

Miller went to Vivian’s office and offered to forge an alliance with him. Vivian agreed (“I’m sure the alliance of an idiotic dopehead will make all the difference”), then instructed Miller how to fulfill his end of the alliance. When everyone is gathered in the sauna, Vivian will announce that Miller is the winner, which will be Miller’s cue to let Vivian out, then bar the door so the other contestants will be a captive audience for Miller’s gloating. They toasted their partnership, with Miller drinking his bongwater.

Bixie ran down to the basement and informed Lance that she’d chartered a bus for him to escape with Dorothy. Lance replied that he would have to check with Dorothy before changing their wedding plans, but Bixie told him to make a decision for himself. She then reached into her blouse and pulled out her other boob.

BIXIE: “Let it give you strength.”
LANCE: “I’ll give it to Dorothy, she really needs it!”

Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy suddenly surfaced, showing off her new breasts. She asked Poncey to plan her wedding, and he replied that he’d do better than that…he’s actually an ordained minister, and would perform the wedding for her. Poncey told her how happy he was for her, though he confessed being sad that he didn’t have anyone for himself. Dorothy replied that God had brought them all together in the same house for a reason…then they broke into a chorus of “Somewhere Out There.”

In his bedroom, Miller was attempting to forge an alliance with himself, but soon found that his stoner misunderstandings made it impossible for anybody to talk to Miller (even Miller himself).

Poncey ran into Bixie’s office, only to find Vivian LaDouche. Vivian was surprised to see a gay man carrying a Bible (“Shouldn’t that be burning you like acid?”). Brushing aside the homophobic comment, Poncey declared that he needed to tell Bixie that he loves him. Vivian was startled to hear Poncey refer to Bixie as “him,” especially since Vivian had slept with Bixie. Just then, the phone rang…it was Bob Saget, telling Vivian that he was watching them right now.

Dorothy and Lance were in the chapel, preparing their vows. He promised to be a good husband, saying that he knew she would love his kids. Dorothy sensed that Lance knew about some kind of danger; remembering Bixie’s escape plan, Lance insisted that they leave right now. Dorothy still had her heart set on getting married in the sauna, but said she might reconsider if Lance gave her a kiss. After some hesitation, Lance gave her a quick little kiss. (“Well, that was very unfulfilling for the audience.”)

Preparing for his trip to Iceland, Miller was packing his bong when Bixie ran in. Bixie attempted to warn him about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody, but Miller kept interrupting with amazed comments about Bixie being a man. Fed up, Bixie told him to go ahead and go to the sauna.

Vivian LaDouche was outside in the hedge maze, trying to escape the surveillance of Bob Saget. Vivian boasted to Saget that he would pull off the biggest stunt ever, and then Saget would see who was the king of reality TV. In response, Bob Saget put Dave Coulier on the line.

By the pool, Poncey and Bixie were discussing the upcoming wedding. Bixie suggested that they accept their true feelings for one another, and make it a double wedding.

BIXIE: “Why did it take us so long? Did it really matter what my gender is?”
PONCEY: “Yes.”

Soon afterwards, everybody was gathered in the sauna for the ceremony. Vivian announced that the winner of Iceland was…everybody! Bixie warned them that he was lying, but Vivian asked if they were going to believe a person who’d lied to everybody about his gender. Poncey went ahead with the ceremony, pronouncing Lance and Dorothy man and wife. After Lance and Dorothy kissed, Poncey married himself to Bixie. As everybody was rejoicing, Miller let Vivian out and then chained the doors shut. Realizing that Vivian’s plan was actually happening, everybody started panicking. Dorothy restored order by announcing that she hadn’t been totally honest with everyone. Dorothy then removed her wig, revealing herself as…Bob Saget!

Saget explained that he had warned Dorothy about Vivian’s plan, and had switched places with her before the ceremony. The real Dorothy was safe outside the house. As the poison gas began to come through the vents, Saget instructed everyone to use their unique talents to save the day. Saget destroyed the lock by making fart noises; Poncey and Miller used their expertise in sucking on things to siphon off the gas; Lance filmed the operation; and Bixie used his power of telephoning the police. Once they were saved, they climbed up on the roof to face Vivian LaDouche. Vivian warned them that he still had one vial of poison gas left and would kill them all. Poncey threw his Bible at Vivian, knocking the vial into Vivian’s mouth and causing him to swallow it. With Vivian dead and everybody else safe, the housemates hailed Bob Saget as a hero. Saget told them that Dorothy would be rejoining them shortly, but he was needed elsewhere. (“Wherever there’s trouble, Bob Saget will be there.”) With that, Bob Saget flew off into the sky.

THE END

Season 12, Episode 13: The Lost Episode

2009-03-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, this was the one week in all of my SCANDAL!-transcribing history that I was unable to make it to the theatre to see the show...so I have no idea what happened, either.

Season 12, Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?

2009-03-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?

Producer Vivan LaDouche met with hostess/director Bixie Biederback in her office (with Dorothy also in attendance), explaining his newest ratings-boosting scheme. He’s going to institute a vote to get people thrown off the show…and everyone, even Bixie, is at risk. Dorothy responded by holding up an unflattering drawing of Vivian she’d done while he was talking.

In the confession booth, we saw Eric von Landingham, strangely recovered from his brain damage. He revealed the reason for this discrepancy: His name is not actually Eric von Landingham…but Brian Biederback, an aspiring actor. His mother Bixie got him a spot on the show, and all of his ever-changing personas (nerdy photo clerk, angry rocker, Vaderesque evil overlord, brain-damage casualty) were simply acting choices. Cameraman Lance Belligui was outraged by Brian’s fakery, protesting that this was supposed to be a reality show. Brian, believing that the rest of the show was just as phony as he was, complimented Lance on his angry “performance.”

Miller, having changed from the Hulk back to his old self, was relaxing in the garden when he encountered a strange, shaggy figure covered in leaves and branches. After a moment, Miller finally recognized the wild man as…Rory Manchester! Miller offered the caveman Rory a joint, and the pot miraculously brought Rory back to lucidity. Rory explained that he had made a long, difficult journey back from the Dagoba System (which turned out to be near Tucker, Georgia).

Mortally injured after being raped by the Miller-Hulk, Jack Hanna made a last-ditch effort to summon his animal friends. The animals gathered around him and transferred their power to Jack, reviving him like Halle Berry in Catwoman. (“Come on, who saw Catwoman?”)

Lance burst into Bixie’s office to confront her about planting her son on the show. Brian, surprised to learn that Lance really wasn’t an actor, was nevertheless impressed by his anger and energy. Brian and Bixie told Lance that he had the potential to be a young Marlon Brando, and offered to help him with an acting exercise. They called in Dorothy to improvise a love scene; as the scene progressed, Dorothy and Lance stopped acting and genuinely declared their love for one another. They threw Bixie and Brian out so they could have a private moment, then Lance confessed that he killed his wife so that they could be together. Dorothy replied that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.

Vivian went to Miller’s room to discuss the ratings, comparing the ratings cycle to crack addiction: It always takes more and more to get that high again, and soon you’re giving blowjobs to get your next fix. Miller realized that Vivian was baring his soul by confessing what his ratings obsession had driven him to. Vivian, touched by Miller’s insight, took him as a confidante. Vivian confessed that his new ratings scheme isn’t just to vote someone off the show…it’s to vote them off, take them out back and shoot them.

Rory was wandering through the woods when he ran into Jack Hanna, who couldn’t figure out why he was still alive. As they conversed, they discovered common ground in their knowledge of obscure animal facts, and they sang a song of zoological trivia. Rory then explained to Jack that he used to want nothing more than to win the show and get his hands on the nuclear oil underneath Iceland…but now, he was a changed man.

In Bixie’s office, Dorothy was drawing a sketch of Brian while Vivian informed Bixie about his plan to shoot the loser of this week’s vote. Hearing this plan, Dorothy protested that he couldn’t do that. Vivian replied that, being from the network, he could do anything he wanted, then demonstrated by overturning Dorothy’s shopping cart. An epic slow-motion brawl ensued, ending with Dorothy poking Vivian in the eye with an umbrella.

Rory was in his old bedroom, wistfully looking over his old implements of evil. (“Torture Bed…Suffocating Pillow…Anal-Rape Stool…Lamp.”) The Torture Bed called out to him, trying to tempt him back to the dark-meat side. Rory struggled to resist the temptation of nuclear oil. The Lamp declared “Rory, I am your father.”

Dorothy and Lance were trying to figure out a way to escape the show. Lance confided that he had the grand prize, the deed to Iceland. Dorothy revealed that Vivian had given her a deed too. Just as Dorothy began fuming at Vivian’s latest duplicity, a shot rang out, and Dorothy collapsed.

Vivan brought Miller to the Chamber of Votitude to fill out his ballot to vote out a housemate. As Miller contemplated his choice, dramatic music filled the air (because Eric/Brian was singing “Carmina Burana” from off-stage). Miller finally cast his vote for “Eric Shut-the-Fuck-Up von Landingham.”

Up on the roof, Bixie and Brian Biederback were talking about their work on the show and their relationship. Brian began a monologue reminiscing about his childhood, but was drowned out by singing from off-stage.

In the Chamber of Votitude, Jack Hanna filled out his ballot while reciting one animal fact after another. (Curiously, all of his facts were penis-related.) He finally held up his ballot, revealing his vote for Lance. Suddenly, a shot rang out and Jack collapsed.

In the game room, Rory confided to Lance that he was at a crossroads; he could use the nuclear oil to become the most powerful person in the world, or he could take out Vivian LaDouche. Since Lance was the most honest, innocent person Rory knew (apart from Dorothy), he needed his help to make the right choice. He asked Lance to sneak into the Chamber of Votitude and put Rory’s name on all the ballots.

The badly-wounded Jack Hanna crawled over to Miller, followed shortly by the equally wounded Dorothy. Promising that they would both make it through this, Miller revealed the never-before-mentioned fact that he’d been through medical school. He performed impromptu surgery on both of them, then gave them some medicinal marijuana. With Hanna and Dorothy fully recovered, they decided to go into action as a trio, like super-heroes.

Vivian summoned everyone to the Chamber of Votitude, where he announced that Rory had been voted off unanimously. Rory insisted that, rather than take him out back, Vivian should finish him right there in front of everybody. Vivian and Rory faced off for an epic struggle, completely unfazed by anybody else’s attempts to intervene in the fight. Finally, Vivian snapped Rory’s neck. Rory managed to get one last shot in by biting Vivian’s crotch as he fell.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation

2009-03-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation

In the production office, producer Vivian LaDouche was shouting at Lance Belligui, ranting that Lance’s shoddy camerawork was bringing down the show’s ratings. Vivian warned him that he was going to bring up the ratings, even if it kills Lance.

Gardening in the backyard, Poncey Highland was surprised by the arrival of Jack Hanna, carrying a miniature moose and an albino gibbon. Poncey was thrilled to meet one of People Magazine’s 25 Sexiest Men of 1996. In between spouting fun facts about various animals (“Did you know that some fleas have Y-shaped penises?”), Hanna asked where he could find the show’s cameraman.

In the alley, Miller was telling Dorothy about his career prospects at Hello Pizza Kitty when insurance salesman Oral Hanks suddenly dropped in from the sky. After introducing himself, he offered them some reality-show insurance, citing the fact that 9 out of 10 reality-show contestants get horribly maimed. From this show’s track record, Dorothy could believe those figures.

Lance Belligui was fuming in the game room when Jack Hanna entered, accompanied by ominous music. When Lance demanded to know what Hanna had done with Lance’s wife, Hanna assured him that she was safe. A flashback revealed the reason for Hanna’s grudge against Lance: While filming an episode of “Animal Adventures,” Lance stood by filming, doing nothing to help while Jack Hanna was stampeded by zebras.

In the bar, Miller introduced Oral Hanks to Poncey (who had adopted the albino gibbon “Nibbles”). Poncey dismissed Oral as a huckster, but Oral insisted that accidents could happen at any time, like that chair that’s about to fall from the ceiling. While everyone was looking up, Oral grabbed a chair and hit Nibbles. They attempted CPR, but Miller snapped Nibbles’ neck in the process.

Vivian LaDouche, explaining the concept of corporate sponsorship to Dorothy, told her to try their sponsor’s new product, Coca-Cola Blak, then share her honest reaction. She took a swig and immediately spit it out. (“That’s my honest reaction.”) Vivian warned her not to fuck with Coca-Cola.

In the hallway, Lance ran into Oral Hanks (literally), who offered him some anti-collision insurance. Hysterically, Lance cried that his wife had been kidnapped, and Oral sold him some kidnapped-wife insurance. Lance explained that she had been taken by the world’s most evil man, a man who knew nothing of compassion. Oral replied “Oh, Jack Hanna!”

Miller and Poncey were waiting in the veterinary emergency room, waiting for news on Nibbles’ condition. Miller apologized for breaking the gibbon’s neck, explaining that he thought Nibbles needed chiropractic. Poncey didn’t buy it, and Miller finally admitted that he was jealous of the affection Nibbles gave Poncey. Miller was concerned that his violent urges, long suppressed by pot-smoking, were starting to come out. He needed some way of controlling his inner raging beast…like maybe gamma radiation.

Later, Vivian was relaxing in the hot tub when Miller arrived. Repeating his corporate-sponsorship pitch, Vivian asked Miller to try new Coke Blak. Tasting it, Miller declared that it was everything he ever wanted in life. Just then, Poncey rushed in, shouting a warning that Coke Blak is made with gamma rays. Miller began to transform into a rampaging hulk, smashing the hot tub (with Vivian still inside).

Jack Hanna was letting his moose graze on the eucalyptus tree in the garden when Dorothy entered. Enchanted by the animals, Dorothy got a kiss on the cheek from the tiger cub, then climbed on the moose’s back for a ride. Suddenly, the Miller-Hulk ran through, destroying the tree. Hanna threw himself on Dorothy to protect her. Once the danger had passed, they kissed passionately.

Poncey ran down to the basement to warn Lance that they were in danger. Lance asked if it was Jack Hanna, and Poncey explained that it was worse: Miller had hulked out and was smashing all the set pieces. Poncey then backed up and asked Lance what he meant by that remark about Jack Hanna. Lance explained the situation, and Poncey helped him devise a plan to get rid of Jack Hanna. Poncey would seduce Hanna and slip some weed in his crotch, so that the Miller-Hulk would destroy Jack to get to it.

In the garden, Dorothy and Jack Hanna were relaxing in post-coital bliss while Jack whispered animal facts in her ear (“Did you know the swan is the only bird with a penis?”). She was having guilt feelings about their encounter, since she’d been having an on-again/off-again relationship with Lance. Shocked by the revelation that she had slept with his arch-enemy, Hanna rose up in anger…but couldn’t stay mad when she assumed a mating-display position.

In the hallway, Lance ran into Vivian. Impressed by Lance’s fury at Jack Hanna (“Did you know Jack Hanna is the only man without a penis?”), Vivian filmed Lance’s explanation of his vendetta. Vivian encouraged Lance to kill Jack (and boost the ratings), but Lance replied that he wouldn’t…at least, he wouldn’t do it HIMSELF.

Poncey informed Oral Hanks that he was about to go on a dangerous mission, and could use some insurance. Immediately guessing what that mission was, Oral offered to help him take down Jack Hanna.

Torn between Lance and Jack Hanna, Dorothy sang a song to Jesus asking advice. Suddenly, Miller-Hulk came rampaging through, but upon seeing Dorothy, he stopped in his tracks and uttered “Friend?” Dorothy asked if there was any way she could help him, and he grunted “Backrub.”

Jack Hanna was herding his animals in the great room when Poncey and Oral Hanks entered. Hanna began to use his Sexiest-Man-of-1996 charisma to distract Poncey, but Oral whacked Hanna with his briefcase, then shouted out to the Hulk. Hearing the call, Miller punched out Dorothy and ran over to the great room. Jack Hanna regained consciousness just as Miller-Hulk went for his pants.

Coming to, Dorothy heard muffled yells coming from nearby. Following the sound, she discovered a bound woman with duct-tape covering her mouth. Realizing that this was Lance’s wife, Dorothy answered her pleas: “I’m not untying you, bitch!”

Despite having been buggered by the Hulk, Jack Hanna remained defiant. He pulled a lever, causing Oral Hanks to plunge through a trapdoor into a bottomless pit. Hanna then used his power to summon all his animals and make them attack Miller-Hulk.

Dorothy finally relented and removed the duct-tape from Mrs. Belligui’s mouth (though she remained tied up), just as Lance entered. Before they could confront each other, Jack Hanna entered and began taunting Lance. (“I survived getting fucked by the Hulk! You think you can take me down?”) Before he could get his revenge, the day was saved when Oral Hanks suddenly fell from the sky (having fallen all the way through the earth and back again) and landed on Jack Hanna. As soon as Hanna was down, Miller-Hulk ran in for more.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 10: Romancing the Stoner

2009-03-23T03:44:00.000-07:00

Episode 10: Romancing the Stoner

Miller was relaxing on the roof when producer Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Miller that the show’s ratings were down, and he needed Miller to do his part by being a team player…“team player” meaning “do everything Vivian says.” Miller pointed out that every time he’s done what people told him, bad things have happened (like Eric getting shot and Hank getting struck by lightning).

Cameraman Lance Belligui was in the library with this week’s guest, romance novelist Jessica Lovingstone. She asked him about himself and his deepest feelings, and he confessed about his love/hate relationship with Dorothy and his guilt over cheating on his wife. Taking notes, she advised him to follow the example of her novels: “Cheat on your wife, then slap her, kiss her passionately, and leave with her money.”

Dorothy was making lunch in the kitchen when Bixie Biederback entered. After a moment of awkward skirting around the subject, they began talking about the time they slept together. Bixie informed Dorothy that she only did it to boost the ratings, but Dorothy insisted that there was something genuine between them.

Noticing that Poncey was depressed, Miller tried to get him to open up. Poncey said that he didn’t feel like taking to people, so Miller suggested that he think of him not as a person, but as his favorite childhood stuffed animal. Poncey revealed that his lover Blaine had run off to Dollywood…with the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham. He further explained that Blaine had sold their grooming salon for 800 pounds of ecstasy, and was already halfway through it. Miller offered to help Poncey find Blaine (and more importantly, those 400 pounds of X).

In the confession booth, Jessica Lovingstone was interviewing Dorothy, who informed her that she was torn between her feelings for Lance and Bixie. Intrigued by this love triangle (particularly the sauciness of Dorothy dressing as Burt Reynolds to seduce Bixie), Jessica suggested that Dorothy do as her heroines would do: make her dreams come true and sail away with her love…of course, she would have to choose Lance because lesbianism is a sin. When Dorothy asked if it wasn’t also a sin to take away a married man, Jessica replied that it’s okay because his wife is far away.

In the game room, Vivian was berating Lance about his shaky camerawork. He promised to protect Lance’s family from Jack Hanna if Lance used a tripod. When Lance protested that a tripod was “cheating,” Vivian retorted “It’s not cheating if you care.” Lance repeated this phrase: “It’s not cheating if you care.”

Poncey was moping in the backyard when Bixie came by, equally depressed. She explained that she was afraid of losing her job because of the poor ratings, and Poncey attempted to cheer her up by reminding her of all the worse ordeals she’s survived (like the time she caught on fire).

In the bowling alley, Jessica was interviewing Miller about his romances; he replied that his greatest loves were pot and pizza. She informed Miller that he reminded her of a supporting character from one of her novels: Ricardo, an opium-smoking pasta maker who came to a bad end, dying in the gutter after shooting someone in the head. (“Shit, I’ve already shot someone! I’m halfway there!”) She suggested that he could avoid Ricardo’s fate by finding love. When Miller complained that the only two women in the house were with each other, Jessica hinted that there WAS one other woman there. Catching on, Miller realized that Jessica’s inordinately long fingernails could add a kinky touch to the encounter…

Vivian LaDouche was complaining about the poor ratings in Bixie’s office. He informed her how vital it was that the show do well, because its success was the key to him getting his OWN reality show produced: He plans to bring hip-hop star Ol’ Dirty Bastard back from the dead and put him on a dating show.

In the backyard, Dorothy was taking shelter from the rain under a tree when Poncey came by with an umbrella. Dorothy noticed that Poncey seemed happier, and he explained that the bad weather was cheering him up because he knew Blaine and Eric were being rained on too. He asked if she knew what it was like to be in a 13-year relationship. She replied that she once wore the same pair of pants for 13 years, and it felt great to finally get them off. She told Poncey that he should be just as glad to be rid of his own “pair of pants.”

Lance was talking to Miller at the Hello Pizza Kitty when Miller finally managed to pull a huge fingernail out of his butt…left behind during his liaison with Jessica Lovingstone. Lance pointed out that Jessica had only used him to get material for her novels, but Miller had no problem with being used that way. They high-fived.

Although a big fan of Jessica Lovingstone’s work, Poncey was so disillusioned with love that he was in no mood to talk to her. When she called him a whiny bitch, Poncey was about to slap-fight her, but immediately backed down when he realized the damage her nails could do.

Lance and Bixie were talking about the hard rain outside; Lance segued into a DeNiroesque monologue, saying that “my right hand of righteousness will make an even harder rain come down.”

Communicating entirely in mime, Vivian LaDouche told Dorothy that she needed to improve the ratings by upping the sex appeal. She responded by tonguing him.

Up on the roof, Bixie and Jessica were talking over old times, since they hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. During their conversation, Bixie discovered a fingernail up her rectum. Jessica confessed that she’d taken advantage of Bixie while she was in a drug-induced coma, explaining that she could only express her true feelings while Bixie was unconscious.

Dorothy found Lance hiding under her bed. Lance opened his shirt to reveal stars tattooed on his chest, in the manner of a Jessica Lovingstone hero. Dorothy confessed that she loved both Lance and Bixie, and couldn’t figure out which path her heart would follow. Lance offered to resolve her dilemma by getting rid of Bixie.

Poncey was drunk in the bar when Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Poncey that his whiney moping was dragging down the ratings. He then handed Poncey a package from Blaine (containing a map of Dollywood, a hat, and a bag of oregano), in the hopes that these souvenirs of Blaine’s infidelity would make Poncey mad enough to get off his ass and actually DO something. Poncey responded by passionately kissing Vivian and throwing him to the ground.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 9: Brain Damage, Drug Addiction, Amputations, and Fratboys

2009-03-22T05:24:00.000-07:00

Episode 9: Brain Damage, Drug Addiction, Amputations, and Fratboys

In her office, Bixie Biederback was talking to the celebrated sex-symbol carpenter Ty Buildington, host of “Your House Is Way Too Ugly.” When he informed her that the Scandal House had to be retrofitted to be handicapped-accessible, she protested that none of the housemates needed that. Ty replied that none were disabled YET; he’d checked the contestants’ medical records, and one of them had a severe case of diabetes from the knees down, and would require immediate amputation…which Ty would perform himself.

In the basement, Lance Belligui tried to talk to the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham, trying in vain to get a response from him. In despair, Lance broke into song about Eric’s helplessness, prompting Eric to join in.

Poncey Highland was surprised by a visit from his life-partner Blaine, who (amazingly) was even more stereotypically gay than Poncey. As they conversed, Poncey realized that Blaine was high on ecstasy. Blaine confessed that he had sold their pet-grooming salon, Happy Waggin’s, for drug money. When Poncey protested that the salon was his dream, Blaine replied that he could have a dream every time he goes to sleep.

Lance Belligui went up to the roof and was surprised to see ex-Braves pitcher Keith Hernandez doing some stretching exercises. Hernandez explained that he’d run away from his own reality show, “The Player.” Lance warned him that there’s no escape from reality TV, and he knew because his family was being held hostage by Jack Hanna. Keith offered to help Lance if Lance would help him.

In the hot tub, Ty Buildington was helping Eric with his physical therapy. Thanks to his years of working with mentally-challenged children, Ty was about to understand Eric’s groans and howls; Eric was telling him that he was simply looking for love. Ty broke into a song about Eric’s need for affection, and Eric joined in.

Poncey went to Bixie’s office to inform her that his partner Blaine had crashed the house while high on drugs. Since this was a clear violation of the rules, he needed her help to hide Blaine from the producers. Bixie remarked that she had a brother named Blaine, but it must be just a coincidence since her brother isn’t gay. She agreed to help Poncey, if he’d help her hook up with Keith Hernandez by “accidentally” locking them together in the basement.

Keith and Blaine were sitting on opposite sides of the roof, crying hysterically until they finally noticed each other. As Keith introduced himself, Blaine began flirtatiously dancing around him.

In the game room, Ty Buildington informed Poncey that he’d looked at the housemates’ confidential medical records (“I’m not just a carpenter, I’m a snoop”). Ty explained that one of the others would have to have their legs amputated…and this person was someone whose whole life was based on being active and physical. Poncey guessed that he was talking about Lance.

Blaine found Eric sprawled over the bar (prominently displaying his crotch); finding the pose tempting, Blaine broke into song. Eric joined in, just as Poncey walked in and found them in a compromising position.

Bixie called Lance into her office to tell him some confidential news. (“Are you coming on to me?”) She reminded Lance about the medical exams and all the invasive tests they performed. (“Are you coming on to me?”) Finally, she came right out and told him his legs would have to be amputated. (“You’re totally coming on to me.”)

On the porch, Poncey as trying to teach sign language to Eric; Eric responded by peeing on the floor, then bending down to lap it up. Poncey attempted to break into song, despite his disgust. Poncey contemplated putting Eric out of his misery.

Ty Buildington and Keith Hernandez ran into each other in the backyard. Ty blamed Keith for putting him in a wheelchair, and we saw a flashback to the time when Keith was too high to hold a ladder steady for Ty. Ty informed Keith that he was going to amputate Lance’s legs, having seen his medical records in file #383111. That number sounded familiar to Keith…it was the same number inscribed on his glove. (“That can’t be a coincidence.”)

Bixie ran into Blaine, and was surprised to discover that it was indeed her brother. He explained that he gayed up since the last time he saw her; he gave up on the family after they gave up on him. She informed him that their mother died of a broken heart while waiting for him to visit on Christmas day. Depressed, he wished he could have been there. She offered to help him with his drug habit, explaining that she’d given up ecstasy herself a few months ago.

Lance was in the confession booth, trying to come to terms with his impending amputation. Deciding to go ahead and get it over with, he rushed to the infirmary, where he ran into Keith Hernandez. Keith explained that there had been a mistake: Keith himself was file #383111, the same as his team number. (“I had the biggest jersey in the big leagues.”) Realizing that it was Keith who was going to lose his legs, Lance offered him a gift as a show of sympathy and solidarity. Peeling off his mustache, Lance explained that it had been passed down by his father, who kept it safe Pulp Fiction-style while he was a POW in Vietnam.

Blaine and Poncey were in the hot tub, discussing the incident between Blaine and Eric. As they talked, Eric popped up from underneath the water, then went down again. Poncey attempted to confront Blaine about his blatant infidelity; he began by reminiscing about their first meeting when Poncey was a fresh-faced college student at Georgia Tech. As soon as he mentioned pledging Teek, the fratboys in the audience (from a rival fraternity) created such an uproar that the scene stopped in its tracks.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 8: All This and Burt Reynolds, Too

2009-03-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

Episode 8: All This and Burt Reynolds, Too

With his mentor Rory Manchester gone, Eric von Landingham had renamed himself yet again, appointing himself Emperor von Landingham and trading his Darth mask for a black Sith robe. However, when Poncey Highland questioned him about the new look, he insisted that he was still the same old Eric he’s always been.

In her office, producer Bixie Biederback was talking to this week’s guest, life coach Hans Jorg. She explained that for this week’s challenge, she wanted the show to get into the housemates’ psyches. Hans proposed the stakes: Whoever succeeds in his task will get Krugerrands…while the losers will get amputations. He raised his own cybernetic hand for dramatic emphasis.

Dorothy and Miller were relaxing in the hot tub, discussing this week’s challenge. As far as he could figure out, Miller thought that the challenge was “talking to a man with a weird hand,” so he wondered whether it would count if he talked to the guy with the weird bulge who stands on Moreland & Ponce.

Poncey tried to talk to cameraman Lance Belligui about Eric’s new persona, but Lance insisted he didn’t see any problem. Poncey realized that Eric must have something on Lance, and Lance finally admitted that Eric had promised to get him off the show.

In the backyard, Dorothy met Hans, who told her she was homeless because she lacked confidence. He told her that the prize for this week’s challenge was a stash of Krugerrands, then asked her if she knew what those were. She replied that a Krugerrand is an ant that can kill you in your dreams. Hans asked her to imagine the power she could have with such a thing.

Over some Shirley Temples in the bar, Bixie confided to Miller that she was worried about his future after the show. He explained that he was planning a show of his own, “The Miller Show,” a talk show where he would interview those actors that you see all the time but don’t know their names. He demonstrated by interviewing Bixie.

Eric summoned Lance to the roof, asking about the progress on his plan to turn the entire planet into The Dirt Star, a mobile space station to terrorize the galaxy. Lance was reluctant (plus he couldn’t figure out the instructions). Eric reminded Lance that he was Lance’s only hope for freeing his family from the clutches of Jack Hanna, who was at that very moment touching Lance’s wife’s nipples.

Hans Jorg told Poncey that his problem was that he lacked confidence. Poncey asked Hans how he lost his hand, and Hans had a flashback to combat in the Falkland Islands (where he fought on the side of the Falklandians). Poncey comforted Hans to snap him back to the present, then offered to serve as the life coach’s love coach.

Dorothy asked Bixie what she wanted more than anything in the world. When Bixie replied “Burt Reynolds,” Dorothy revealed that she had Burt Reynolds on her speed-dial, and would hook her up with him if Bixie gets her shit together. Considering her problems, Bixie decided that she needed to get religion. Luckily, Dorothy also happened to be an ordained minister.

Observing Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty, Hans greeted him as an old comrade. They reminisced about serving together in the Falklands, which was were Miller discovered weed. Hans informed Miller that he’d fallen into the life of a stoner due to his guilt over sending Hans into the battle that cost him his hand…and ever since that day, Miller had lacked confidence. Hans cajoled Miller into standing up straight and shouting to the world: “I am Captain Miller Johnstonstone,” (even though that’s not Miller’s name), “and I will not let you get away with this!”

In the confession booth, Dorothy explained to Lance that Hans had encouraged her to help others, so she was helping Bixie. As they conversed, the sexual tension of their weird love/hate relationship arose once again. Lance tried to think of his wife in Jack Hanna’s clutches, but couldn’t resist Dorothy’s sexy hip-hop dance moves. As they embraced passionately, an audience member walked out.

Hans Jorg was admiring the ion cannons in Eric’s secret lair. When Eric mocked Hans’ German accent, Hans informed him that the reason he belittled others and sought to conquer the world was because he lacked confidence. Eric confronted Hans about his own self-confidence problem; he knew that Hans lost not only his hand in the Falklands, but his penis as well. Eric asked Hans to join him, since he could use a man who has something to take out on the world.

After praying in the chapel, Bixie explained to Poncey that she’d turned to God to show her the way…preferably by putting the right path directly in front of her so she wouldn’t have to choose for herself. She continued that all she wanted was to get right with God and sleep with Burt Reynolds. Poncey questioned the compatibility of those two goals.

Hans and Lance began debated about which of them was better suited to being Emperor von Landingham’s right-hand man. After a heated argument, Lance declared that Hans lacked confidence.

Filled with renewed self-confidence, an armed Miller confronted Eric about his evil plans. Eric laughed “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful.” Miller answered his boast by shooting him.

Bixie and Poncey were waiting on the front porch when Burt Reynolds (actually Dorothy in a fake mustache) arrived. Lance pulled “Burt” aside and asked Dorothy if she really intended to go through with this, even if it meant sleeping with Bixie. Her reply: “Shit yeah!”

In the basement, Hans and Lance attempted to revive Eric. Hans blamed himself for restoring Miller’s confidence. When they finally managed to get Eric out of his Emperor’s robe, they discovered that he was still alive, but horribly disfigured and brain-damaged (with a bullet hole in his forehead).

In the game room, Miller was bragging to Poncey about how he’d regained his confidence and shot Eric. Surveying the crowd, Miller noticed that an audience member was missing. Blaming himself, Miller’s bravado crumbled, and he broke down crying. Hans entered and told Miller that maybe he was just one of those people who wasn’t cut out to have confidence. For having the wisdom to accept his status as a slacker, Hans declared Miller the winner of the challenge.

Bixie and “Burt” were basking in the afterglow in Bixie’s bedroom. As they cuddled together, Bixie admitted that she knew “Burt” was really Dorothy.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 7: And Now Let's Get Things Started

2009-03-20T14:14:00.000-07:00

Episode 7: And Now Let’s Get Things Started

Bixie Biederback paid a visit to Henson James, creator of the Yuppet Show, to ask for his help in revitalizing her show. Henson suggested that this week’s challenge should be a variety-show act; the best act would get a contract with the Yuppet Show. However, Henson’s puppet Stevie Weasel still held a grudge against Bixie, remembering the night that she stuck him with her bar tab and he had to do unspeakable things to pay it off.

While converting the hot-tub into a puppetry playboard, Poncey Highland and Miller were planning their variety acts. Poncey was thinking of an old-fashioned song and dance act, while Miller was going to turn himself inside out. Miller reminisced that he spent all his time in college getting stoned and watching the Yuppet Show…and now, he wanted revenge on Stevie Weasel for what he’d done to his life.

Rory Manchester was putting the finishing touches on Eric von Landingham’s new cyborg parts, following Eric’s stabbing and disfigurement by Bixie. Wearing a black mask, Eric now called himself Darth von Landingham.

Dorothy and Lance Belligui were practicing the boxstep for the variety show, though Dorothy just couldn’t get the hang of it. Lance told her that it would take a lot of hard work to win the competition, and she replied that she knew all about hard work, having held hundreds of jobs in her lifetime. Lance couldn’t believe her, since he thought that all homeless people were lazy. Offended by the stereotype, she broke up the act and declared that she would go on her own by making a helicopter disappear.

Henson James was talking to Poncey about his work on “The Empire Strikes Back.” When Poncey couldn’t figure out which part Henson worked on, Stevie Weasel realized that Poncey had never seen any of the Star Wars movies…which can only mean that he’s gay. As Stevie taunted Poncey, Darth von Landingham entered, paused, and left.

On the roof, Miller was trying to turn himself inside out.

With his act broken up, Lance Belligui went to Bixie’s office to figure out a new act. She told him that the variety-show challenge had gotten her interested in performing again, and all she needed was a partner to encourage her. They agreed to team up.

In the backyard, Dorothy looked up at the sky and shouted “Get out of here, helicopter!” And it did. Darth von Landingham entered. Having seen Dorothy’s powers in action, he asked if she’d help him make something even bigger disappear—namely, Air Force One. Freaked out by Darth’s new appearance, Dorothy refused. Darth began calling her names to anger her, hoping to turn her to the Dark Side.

Miller confronted Stevie Weasel (“You destroyed my career in humanities!”). Stevie responded by slapping Miller, then taking a hit off his bong. Miller immediately forgot his vengeance and bonded with Stevie as fellow stoners. Miller finally noticed the puppeteer attached to Stevie, and Henson introduced himself. They talked about the Yuppet Show, until Miller upset Stevie by bringing up his arch-enemy Glorf, the piano-playing goat. Stevie informed Miller that the producers wouldn’t let him in the talent show, and were going to send him to rehab instead.

Later, Rory, Henson and Stevie were playing a game of air hockey. Stevie suddenly recognized Rory as the guy from the bar, who had made him do those unspeakable things to pay Bixie’s tab. Rory confirmed that it was him, and that he knew Stevie’s secret…that Stevie is a real weasel, and that Henson James is simply a giant puppeteer-shaped growth. As part of his Illuminati initiation, Rory had filled himself with mutated sperm and had his way with Stevie in order to create Henson. Stevie cried that he only wanted to be normal again. Rory offered to send him to Germany to see Dr. Mindbender.

Dorothy was telling Poncey about Eric/Darth’s transformation. She feared that Darth was going to kill her. (“Somebody dies on this show every week, and he’s got a plastic head!”) She began rummaging through her shopping cart for something she could use against him.

Speaking to the camera, Darth von Landingham (accompanied by his miniature stormtrooper Clone Troyer) issued an ultimatum to the world. Either he wins the contest, or he would unleash the power of the Death Mart…the full destructive power of all of Wal-Mart’s augers and Jiffy-Pop going off at once.

Miller confronted Bixie about the plan to throw him off of the show. She explained that it wasn’t her decision, it was the producers’. (“Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick?” “Yes.”) When she told him “Don’t shoot the messenger,” he turned his bong into a gun and pointed it at her. He demanded that she kick somebody else off the show. Bixie suggested getting rid of Dorothy, but Miller insisted that it be Rory.

In the great room, Poncey Highland demonstrated his talent by giving Stevie Weasel a makeover.

For his act, Rory Manchester rocked out a rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Stevie Weasel joined in, and afterwards Rory and Stevie discussed what to do about Henson. They realized that Henson wasn’t just a puppeteer-shaped tumor…he was their son.

Darth von Landingham confronted Bixie, demanding worker’s comp for the injuries she inflicted on him.

Dorothy told Stevie Weasel how much she enjoyed having him around. At that point, Rory entered and informed Dorothy that her helicopter-disappearing powers were the result of his experiments. He explained that his reunion with Stevie and Henson had awoken his paternal instincts, and he now wanted to abandon his evil plans. He asked Dorothy to use her powers to send him away with Stevie & Henson, some place where they could live as a family. Dorothy complied.

Lance Belligui and Bixie Biederback practiced their ventriloquist act (with Lance acting as the dummy), “Mr. Chips & Mrs. Tits.”

In the bar, Dorothy was telling everybody how she made Rory, Stevie & Henson disappear, though she didn’t know where she’d sent them. Clone Troyer revealed they’d gone to the Dagoba System.

Meanwhile, on a swampy planet in the Dagoba System, Rory, Stevie & Henson were happily settling into their new home.

As everyone gathered in the great room, Poncey pleaded with Darth to come back to the side of good. Lance and Bixie tried to cheer everybody up with their ventriloquist act, which turned out to be the worst torture Darth could inflict on the others.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango

2009-03-19T07:45:00.000-07:00

Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango

Bixie Biederback was in her office when Ted Nugent came in through the window, answering her call to guest-star on her show. The Nuge would be leading the housemates into the woods for an outdoor challenge this week. Since his own reality show was on hiatus, he was happy to help out. They reminisced about skipping class together in high school, which started Bixie down the road of drug abuse.

In the secret Illuminati headquarters, Rory Manchester had just initiated Eric von Landingham as his protégé. Rory warned Eric that they would soon face one of the 17 heroes fighting the Illuminati…namely, Ted Nugent.

In preparation for the outing, Dorothy was teaching Poncey Highland how to survive in the woods with only a bucket and broom. Poncey had a flashback to his days as a cub scout, trying for a “bucket badge” before discovering that there was no such thing. The memory of the humiliation snapped him back to the present and caused him to sing about his determination to be the best Poncey he could be (and get a sugar-daddy to take care of him).

Lance Belligui and Miller were carpooling to the woods. When Lance asked if Miller had any experience with the wilderness, Miller complained that it was just a stereotype that pot smokers are nature-loving hippies. In face, Miller hates the outdoors. Lance replied that he didn’t want to take part in this trip either, but had to do what the network says. Miller suggested that he use the trip to get lost and escape the network’s grasp.

As Ted Nugent showed Dorothy how to make a bear trap, they bonded over having something in common: Neither of them had bathed in 14 years. The Nuge explained that the shampoo industry was a big conspiracy to sell something people don’t actually need.

In the woods, Rory showed Poncey his automatic tent, demonstrating that it comes with a ready-made rave, complete with a hot tub, four young men, and an automatic Jesus. Rory explained that they would need to work together when Ted Nugent issues the challenge, and he was giving this to Poncey in exchange for his allegiance.

Eric drove Bixie out to the woods. As she got out to stretch and smell the fresh air, Eric suddenly drove off and abandoned her.

Lance and Miller’s Fiat had broken down in the woods. As the “Dueling Banjos” music filled the air, Miller began panicking that the “Deliverance” treatment was in store for them. Lance prayed that his Burt Reynolds mustache would protect him.

Meanwhile, all the non-stranded housemates were gathered by the campfire, waiting for Ted Nugent to issue the challenge. He announced that the prize would be a night at Nugent Inn, a Cadillac, and 18 million Nugent Bucks (redeemable at Texaco). Just then, Miller and Lance were dropped off by a helpful hillbilly in a pickup truck. Now that all the contestants were gathered, the Nuge divided them into two teams. The teams were to climb Mt. Nugent, avoid Kalamazoo the bear, retrieve the flag, then return and give Nugent a high-five. To make it even more exciting, the Nuge will be hunting the teams with a bow and arrow all the while.

Alone in the woods, the delirious Bixie was talking to her newfound weasel friend Julie Andrews. Bixie heard Julie’s voice offering herself as food so that Bixie could survive. As Bixie snapped the weasel’s neck, she heard the same voice saying “I didn’t mean it!”

As they made their way up the mountain, Dorothy told Poncey that she could scale the mountain with her retractable claws. (“I knew it! The homeless are evolving into superhumans!”) Just then, Ted Nugent ambushed them and fired an arrow.

Meanwhile, Bixie heard the voice of Frank Sinatra urging her to get the gold nugget from Ted Nugent’s sack. Inspired by her father figure, Bixie enthusiastically agreed, but then collapsed and began shivering.

Miller was gathering berries and putting them in a bong when his foot got caught in a bear trap. The Nuge ran in and threatened to filet Miller. (“Wait, you’ll fellate me?”) In the nick of time, Rory arrived and freed Miller from the trap. Nugent recognized Rory as his former road manager, and they faced off. Nugent used his nature skills to summon Kalamazoo the bear, but the bear proved to be pretty darn useless as Rory immediately snapped her neck.

Dorothy and Lance had found a babbling brook to get fresh water. With the stress of the situation taking its toll on their already-strained relationship, they began bickering. Lance pointed out that the brook wouldn’t do her any good, since he was the one who had something to carry the water. The babbling brook told Dorothy to use her hat. She dipped her hat into the brook, and when she pulled it out, it magically held 18 gallons, plus 40 loaves and fishes.

The feral Bixie was wandering in the woods when Eric found her. He noticed that she had fashioned a shank from a weasel bone. Bixie pointed out a squirrel behind Eric, and he asked if she was going to stab him once he turned around. She assured him she wouldn’t, then stabbed him anyway. Frank Sinatra’s voice told her to cut off Eric’s ear and wear it as a trophy.

Poncey stumbled across the unconscious Ted Nugent, who woke up as soon as his name was spoken. The Nuge warned Poncey that Rory was part of the Illuminati, and was two steps away from being the eye on the pyramid. To defeat him, they had to make a sacrifice by dropping a virgin bear into the volcano on Mt. Nugent.

Rory and Miller were riding Rory’s robotic camel through the woods, wondering whether to go back and save Eric or go forward and win the challenge. Without any hesitation, they decided to win. Eric staggered towards them with his ear bandaged, and Miller kicked him away. Rory told Miller that the journey to Mt. Nugent would be like living through “Lord of the Rings” (“I’ll be your Frodo if you’ll be my Sam.”). Miller picked Rory up and began carrying him.

Dragging Kalamazoo the bear up to the mountain, Ted Nugent warned the teammates that Rory had used the show to hypnotize the viewers, who would be set off when Rory utters the trigger-word “Applesauce.” Despite the distracting arrivals of Bixie and Eric, they managed to drop the bear into the volcano with only seconds to spare. As they celebrated their victory, Poncey accidentally fell off the mountain ledge.

Rory and Miller were trying to get their robot camel out of the mud when Poncey came tumbling down the mountain. When Poncey boasted that they’d defeated Rory, Rory exclaimed that the sacrifice was actually a ritual to open the gates of Hell. Ted Nugent had lied to them all. The Nuge came down to gloat about his victory, and a fight broke out. By the end of the struggle, Miller had ripped off Ted Nugent’s hair, signifying that Miller, as the holder of the Golden Fleece, was the Chosen One.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 5: Power, Failure

2009-03-18T04:55:00.000-07:00

Episode 5: Power, Failure

Back from her “hiatus” (read: bender), hostess Bixie Biederback gathered everyone together to inform them that the producers had threatened to shut down the show. The housemates blamed Bixie for losing control of the show, and announced they were going on strike unless they got a new host. Just then, the producers shut off the power.

In the kitchen, Dorothy showed Miller how to heat up canned goods without power, by putting them in your pants. They found a package of Chicken in a Biscuit, but were disappointed to read the label and discover that it’s only chicken-flavored. They decided to catch a real chicken and put it in a biscuit.

Eric von Landingham and Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker got into a heated debate about their reliance on electric power and the waste of resources.

In Bixie’s office, Rory Manchester placed a call to divert power from his secret generator. After the lights came on, Rory lectured her that he had faith in her as a producer…and nobody proves Rory wrong. He told her to get off the booze, or he would literally kick her off the show.

On the roof, Lance Belligui was setting up a solar panel to operate his camera when Hank came up. Hank pressured Lance to get him into Bixie’s office and fix the scores so that Hank will be in the lead. In return, Lance asked Hank to help him get immigration and/or the IRS off his case.

Eric went to Hello Pizza Kitty and ordered a medium with Epsom salt. He then pulled Miller aside conspiratorially and suggested that, even if the show’s cancelled, that Miller could still get the prize by going through Bixie.

Behind the house, Dorothy was watching the sunrise when Lance arrived and began flirting with her. When Dorothy complained that everyone on the show is crazy, Lance pointed out that she’s the one who lives in a garbage can. She invited Lance to climb in and try it out before he knocks her lifestyle. As they got in the can together, get-it-on music played in the background.

Rory was making some calls in Bixie’s office when Hank sneaked in. Gloating that he’d gotten past Rory, Hank suggested that Rory was losing his touch. Hank’s mockery caused Rory to hear flashback voices of his childhood humiliations, until Rory finally snapped and grabbed Hank by the throat.

Not having found a real chicken, Dorothy and Miller were practicing their food-catching technique with Miller pretending to be the chicken as Dorothy chased him. Miller commented that he probably wouldn’t be doing this if he weren’t stoned. Dorothy revealed that she used to do drugs herself, but gave them up when she decided to become homeless. Miller asked her more about her life, and she confessed that she had a couple of children, but didn’t want to talk about them. She was more open about a more recent event, admitting that she’d had sex with Lance. She worried that he might have filmed their encounter.

Eric was relaxing in the hot tub (which was only lukewarm due to the power loss) when Lance arrived. Lance confessed to having sex with Dorothy and filming it. Eric asked if Lance had ever enjoyed anything for itself in the moment, without worrying about capturing it on film. Lance admitted that he used to enjoy himself spontaneously with his wife back in Viennice.

After a game of foosball in the rec room, Bixie thanked Hank for helping her find an activity to replace drinking. Offering some advice, Hank told her that she’d spent too much time trying to please others, but never found the real Bixie inside herself.

Rory placed a phone call to one of his secret cohorts…Dr. Claw. He informed Claw that he’d been trying to get the deed to Iceland, but needed access to “771.” Claw replied that Rory had always had full access.

In the garden, Hank complimented Dorothy on her horticultural aesthetics, then asked if he could call her Dottie. She reminisced that her father used to call her that. He was a railroad engineer, and she always wanted to follow in his footsteps…until she found out that the engineer doesn’t just blow the whistle but has to actually drive the train, a lesson she learned when she accidentally killed hundreds of people. Hank reassured her that it wasn’t her fault.

Eric stumbled into Rory’s secret room, and Rory congratulated him on his resourcefulness. Eric realized that Rory was part of the Illuminati or some similar world-controlling conspiracy. Rory admitted it, explaining that his associates included such legends as Dr. Claw, Cobra Commander, and the Supreme Hydra; they made cartoons about themselves in the 1980s so that people would think they didn’t actually exist.

In the bar, Bixie had just mixed an alcohol-free mimosa when Miller came in and made a painfully obvious and inept attempt to seduce her. When she informed him that she was now sober, Miller realized that his usual pick-up techniques wouldn’t work. She confessed that she’d managed to keep the show alive by offering herself sexually to the producers. Miller suggested that she could boost the ratings by making the same offer to the contestants.

In the basement, Lance was plotting to double-cross Hank. Suddenly, Hank and Dorothy burst in, and Hank confronted Lance about his treatment of Dorothy. Realizing that Hank had also slept with Dorothy, Lance dropped his camera in shock.

Bixie gathered everyone together to announce that the power had been restored and the show was back on track. She asked everybody to help get the show to #1. Suddenly, Hank had a heart attack and collapsed. As Rory and Eric performed CPR, Bixie pleaded to Hank to stay alive for the show’s sake.

Dorothy and Lance accompanied Hank in the ambulance. Lance blamed himself for Hank’s collapse (“We killed him with our love!”). Taking him literally, Dorothy said that she couldn’t be with Lance now that he was a murderer. Lance retorted that this meant she would lose two lovers in one day.

Hank’s life flashed before his eyes in a flashback montage.

Back at the house, Rory placed a call to Destro. He informed his associate that he had placed formula 771 in Hank’s water to simulate a heart attack, then used CPR as a pretext to place the microchip in Hank’s mouth. The next step was to send Zartan to infiltrate Hank’s hospital room at Grady, and their plan would proceed right on schedule.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity

2009-03-17T07:19:00.000-07:00

Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity

After the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy, the investigation was being incorporated into the show. Cameraman Lance Belligui introduced the housemates to Homeland Security Agent John Denver (no relation). Denver assured everybody that, before the end of the night, he would find the killer…or at least someone he could claim was the killer.

Denver began by questioning Poncey Highland while Poncey showed him around Chrysanthemum’s room. Poncey was convinced that it was a hate crime, since she’d been killed moments after declaring her love for Dorothy. Poncey suspected Eric von Landingham, since he’d noticed some unstable behavior from Eric ever since their liaison two weeks ago.

At the bar, Dorothy was still reeling from the shock of her new best friend dying in her arms. Eric suggested that she forget her sorrows by coming to see his band “Fucked at Birth” at their upcoming gig.

Miller was getting high up on the roof when Lance came up for some fresh air. Lance noticed the unusual pipe Miller was smoking from, and asked to try it. As Lance smoked, Miller picked up Lance’s camera and asked him what he really thought about everyone at the Scandal house. His inhibitions lost, Lance called them all assholes.

Rory Manchester was relaxing when boy-band star Chip Blingo came by. Chip explained that he had been thrown out of his own neighboring reality show, and needed another chance to prove himself. Rory said that Chip’s vocal talents (and self-generating background music) were just what he needed to cheer up, since a woman he cared for had just died of a spontaneous neck-break. (Rory neglected to mention that he was the one who “spontaneously” broke it.)

Agent Denver was interviewing Dorothy by the garbage cans. She was certain that Rory was the killer, and suggested that they give him a taste of some street justice by cutting off his feet and wrapping him in seaweed. (“He’ll tell you everything…and then bleed to death.”)

While grocery shopping, Poncey confronted Eric about his strange behavior. Eric confessed that he did have a guilty conscience…not over murder, but because he’d never told his mother than he loved her. Poncey comforted him by offering to role-play Eric’s mother. Eric asked Poncey to pull on his nipples to make the impersonation more convincing.

Chip Blingo was moving in when Miller entered. Recognizing Chip (after initially mistaking him for a troll doll), Miller proclaimed that he’d sold more weed at Chip’s last concert than in the rest of the year combined.

Rory was doing the show’s confession-booth segment when he noticed that Lance was trying to film him with a bong instead of a camera. The wasted Lance gloated that he knew Rory had killed Chrysanthemum, and he had the proof on film. Where Rory asked where this proof was, Lance realized that Miller had it now. Rory insinuated that Lance was making unfounded accusations to draw suspicion away from himself. Before long, Lance was convinced of his own guilt.

Chip was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came by. Recognizing Chip, she began singing one of his songs. Chip told Dorothy that his last reality show was filled with ruthless competition, and he was amazed by how friendly everyone was here. Dorothy agreed that it was great, except for people getting murdered.

Miller was filming Poncey in the kitchen, childishly trying to goad Poncey into making a “tossed salad” reference. When Poncey noticed that Miller had Lance’s camera, Miller explained that he’d gotten hold of it while Lance was hitting the bong. (“He thought it was tobacco product, like they make you say when you buy it.”) Now that he had the camera and access to the editing room, Miller suggested that they give the footage some tweaking.

After drummer Eric von Landingham gave his bandmates a pep talk, “Fucked at Birth” began their hard-rockin’ concert.

Even down in the basement, Agent Denver and Lance were stunned by the loudness and rage of the music. Denver confided that he had found three particularly suspicious characters in his investigation. (“Rory may be a killer, Poncey may be gay, and Chip may be ethnic.”) Denver said that he might have to resort to extreme interrogation tactics. Lance offered to get the seaweed.

Rory went to the Hello Pizza Kitty to see Miller about Lance’s film. He convinced Miller that he was in trouble for editing the tapes, and persuaded him to hand over the camera.

Dorothy was hanging out her laundry on the roof when Poncey came by to voice his concerns about the investigation. After hearing Eric’s angry, death-obsessed music, he was more convinced than ever that Eric was the killer. Dorothy deduced that Poncey was just upset because Eric had rejected him after their initial make-out session.

Eric was in the bar when Agent Denver entered, looking for Chip Blingo. Disdainful of authority, Eric refused to cooperate. Denver warned him that he could put away Eric and his entire band. (“Let me explain how Homeland Security works. You’re ALREADY in trouble.”) Eric caved in and directed Denver to Chip’s room.

Two seconds later, Denver broke down the door to Chip’s room. After Denver ordered him to get down on the floor, Chip retorted that no matter how Denver hurts him, it would only make his music stronger. Denver responded by cutting off Chip’s feet.

Rory called everyone (even the footless Chip) together to announce the solution to Chrysanthemum’s murder. Explaining that the key to the mystery was the fact that all the different reality shows are filmed in this same neighborhood, Rory began the slow-motion playback of the (secretly edited) video footage. The footage showed Chip Blingo and Ted Nugent running in, singing a Satanic song while dancing around Chrysanthemum, and snapping her neck to seal the pact…all too fast for the human eye to see. Denver took the mortally-wounded Chip into custody. Now that the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy was solved, Agent Denver set out to solve the rest of the Kennedy murders. Rory saved time by revealing them all: John F. Kennedy was killed by Ving Rhames, Bobby by Yahoo Serious, and Ted Kennedy will be killed by Agent Denver himself. With this revelation, Rory snapped Denver’s neck. Dorothy, shocked by the carnage and craziness, began crying hysterically, longing for her old home behind the dumpster at Wendy’s.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks

2009-03-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks

Bixie Biederback introduced the housemates to the beautiful Chrysanthemum Kennedy, explaining that Chrysanthemum was this week’s challenge. Whoever succeeded in wooing her would get 150 points (plus the privilege of the wooing itself).

Afterwards, Poncey Highland confided to Eric von Landingham that, as a gay man, he was very upset about being forced to woo a woman to get ahead in the game. Eric pointed out that Dorothy would have just as big a problem.

Rory Manchester was showing Chrysanthemum a night on the town and telling her about himself. (“I’m not just rich because I have millions of dollars, I’m rich because I have 13 points of spirituality.”) He asked her to tell him about herself, and she replied that what he saw in front of him was pretty much all there was to her.

Dorothy complained to Bixie about Chrysanthemum’s presence; Dorothy thought she herself was supposed to provide the show’s sex appeal. Bixie replied that she WOULD be the sex symbol if she got a new look. Reluctantly, Dorothy agreed to take a bath and wear make-up, though she drew the line at wearing a dress.

In the backyard, Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was playing golf with Chrysanthemum, turning the game into one long string of sexual innuendo. Chrysanthemum was repulsed by his weird, aggressive behavior.

Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty. Miller explained that he needed this job to pay off his “guy.” Lance didn’t understand, so Miller went into a speech about how everybody needs a guy. Realizing that Lance didn’t have a guy, Miller went out and found a guy named Tyrone. Miller asked Tyrone to hook him up with a bag, and Tyrone charged him three dollars. (“Dude, that’s like 1924 prices!”)

Eric von Landingham was at his workplace at Olan Mills, photographing Chrysanthemum. She complimented him on his blue uniform, and he launched into a monologue about his life in the service industry…a monologue that took a weird turn when he recalled his mother’s job as a stripper at Stretchers.

In the confession booth, Rory told Lance about his date with Chrysanthemum. At first, he only viewed her as the show’s weekly challenge, but now he felt something he’d never felt before (except for himself). In fact, he felt so strongly (and was so determined to win the challenge) that he’d bought a ring.

Poncey went to Bixie’s office to complain about the challenge. He explained that this went completely against his nature, declaring that he hadn’t dated girls since high school. Bixie retorted that, since he DID once go out with girls, he could do so again…and she insisted that he practice with her.

Miller and Chrysanthemum were smoking pot in the underpass on 285. This was the first time she’d ever tried anything like that, and she was enjoying it a lot. They got into a rambling, stoned conversation (“Isn’t life like a reality show without the show?”) that ended with Miller declaring his love for her.

Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came in to take her first bath in years. Dorothy sensed that Bixie had had her way with Poncey. Breaking down, Poncey sobbed that Bixie’s breasts were like that green gardening compound (“you stick your thumb in, it leaves an impression!”).

Rory brought Chrysanthemum up to his room to show her his etchings, while she confessed that she thought she’d been abducted by aliens, since she found herself on the freeway with no memory. She was woken up when a car full of hysterical people (possibly a clown car) ran over her foot. Rory comforted her by massaging her injured foot. As he did so, he slipped the engagement ring onto her toe and playfully asked “Now where did that come from?” Chrysanthemum figured the clowns must have put it on her.

Lance was logging his tapes in the basement when Bixie came in to compliment him on his work. Lance confronted her about her sexual harassment of Poncey, and she declared that she did have strong feelings for Poncey. Lance warned her that if she slept with a contestant again, he would report her to the network.

Hank and Eric were at the bar, drowning their sorrows over their failure to impress Chrysanthemum. Even worse, once he brought it up, Eric found he couldn’t rid his mind of the image of his mother stretching her nipples.

Poncey took Chrysanthemum out for line-dancing at Hoedown’s. After some drinks and bonding over how much they had in common, it finally dawned on Chrysanthemum that Poncey was gay (as if taking her to Hoedown’s wasn’t a big enough clue). He explained that he’d been in a committed relationship with his partner Blaine for 13 years. She respected him for that, and gave him a kiss. At that moment, Rory walked in.

Afterwards, Rory stormed into Bixie’s office, furious over Chrysanthemum’s betrayal. Bixie was also stunned and hurt to hear that Poncey had kissed another woman. Rory swore revenge.

Dorothy was showing Chrysanthemum the art of dumpster-diving, and even found a ring for her. Chrysanthemum told Dorothy about her kiss with Poncey, and Dorothy offered to prepare a tincture to turn a gay man straight. They bonded over their mutual incoherence.

Miller told Lance all about his date with Chrysanthemum, confirming her theory about being hit by a clown car. Afterwards, Miller turned the camera on Lance and pressed him about his feelings for Chrysanthemum; Lance finally admitted that he was in love with her too.

Hank went to Rory’s room to taunt him about Chrysanthemum tossing him aside for a gay man. Rory used a secret control to turn off all the hidden cameras, then asked Hank to join him in a plan to get revenge on Chrysanthemum and frame Poncey.

Bixie gathered all the housemates together for the big announcement of who won this week’s challenge. Chrysanthemum declared that she had chosen the one person who had been totally honest with her…Dorothy. As Chrysanthemum and Dorothy embraced, Rory hit a button on his watch to activate his super-speed. Too fast for even the cameras to see, Rory ran up to Chrysanthemum and snapped her neck. As time returned to normal, Chrysanthemum collapsed into Dorothy’s arms. Before she died, Chrysanthemum managed to gasp out a single clue to her killer’s identity…“Etchings!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo

2009-03-15T12:13:00.000-07:00

Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo

The housemates (including latecomer Poncey Highland) were gathered in the great room, awaiting the program’s “Challenge of the Day.” Director/host Bixie Biederback announced that the challenge was to keep the house clean; anyone not picking up after themselves would be penalized. Rory Manchester protested how trivial that so-called “challenge” was, proposing a real challenge: the first person to go up on the roof and be struck by lightning earns 100 points. Bixie agreed to Rory’s suggestion.

In the “confession booth,” homeless contestant Dorothy told cameraman Lance Belligui that she couldn’t take part in Rory’s challenge, since her hip kept her from going up on the roof. She explained that she had her own game going on; she’d put together a collection of crickets and set up a little racetrack for them. As they conversed, Dorothy confessed that she thought Lance’s mustache was cute, but she didn’t know what to do because she hadn’t had any relationships in years. Lance suggested that she dress up a bit.

Eric von Landingham met his new roommate, Poncey Highland, the stereotypically gay owner of the Happy Waggin’s Pet Grooming emporium. Poncey looked over the room, explaining that he needed to redecorate to reflect his personality. Eric replied that they had to concentrate on the more pressing matter of being electrocuted. More than anything, Eric wanted to impress Bixie so he’d stand a chance with her…and her breasts.

Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was cooking a Waldorf salad in the kitchen, complaining that nobody appreciated his efforts. Miller pointed out that his food might be unappreciated because he was COOKING a salad. With his error brought to his attention, Hank groaned that he couldn’t do anything right. Miller suggested that Hank put his golfing skills to good use by hitting a ball from the roof and letting his club attract the lightning, winning the challenge with style. Miller suddenly had an epiphany; by attaching a flux capacitor to the club, Hank could even hit that ball through time.

In the production room, Bixie was viewing the footage of Eric and Poncey discussing her breasts, when Rory entered. Bixie acknowledged that Rory’s idea for a challenge was much better than her own, and asked for further assistance in making the show work. They struck a bargain: Rory would give her ideas, and she’d make sure that he looks good on the show so that he could win the grand prize…Greenland. Meanwhile, on the monitor footage, Eric and Poncey started making out.

On the roof, Lance was recording Hank’s efforts to get hit by lightning. Their attempts to time the lightning strikes digressed into a discussion about the movie “Poltergeist.” Getting back on track, Hank asked to speak to Lance off the record. After Lance switched off his camera, Hank offered him a bribe to make him look good and help him win. Lance accepted, not knowing that Rory had picked up the camera and was secretly filming them.

After showing her garbage-can home to Poncey, Dorothy confessed that she wanted to dress nicer for Lance. She explained that she was wearing eight layers of clothing, and the last two were pretty much fused to her skin now…she hadn’t been naked since 1953.

While playing air hockey in the rec room, Eric confessed to Rory that the combination of Bixie’s breasts and internet porn got him so keyed up that, despite being straight, he made out with Poncey…and since everything in this house happens on-camera, the entire world will think he’s gay. Rory asked him one question: Did the encounter make him feel better or worse? In response, Eric went into a heavy-metal number about his sexual awakening.

While demonstrating how to mix drinks, Rory told Dorothy that he could identify with her because he wasn’t always rich…he lived on the streets for three years. He struggled to survive by selling shoes, until he hit on a brilliant publicity idea. He advertised his wares by tying two shoes together and throwing them over power lines...and that’s how he made his fortune. Because his past was so similar to her present, Rory felt obligated to show her the footage he’d made of Hank bribing Lance. Dorothy broke down over this betrayal.

On the roof, Eric was trying for the lightning-strike bonus by masturbating in the hopes that God would strike him down. He attempted to recover his modesty when Hank came up with a flux capacitor wired to his golf club. After some confused conversation, they were suddenly both struck by lightning.

Poncey told Lance that he planned to win just by being himself. Lance replied that it wasn’t working…the networks were skittish about the gay-kiss footage, and Poncey was currently running in last place. Upset, Poncey broke into a song about how true love knows no gender boundaries. Lance was surprised that a gay man could have so little musical talent.

As Eric and Hank lay unconscious on the roof, Bixie stood over them, trying to figure out who got the 100-point bonus by being struck first. When they came to, it was determined that it was a tie. Rory came up and congratulated them, then walked away with Hank’s golf club.

In the bar, Poncey Highland complained to Miller about the oppressive homophobia he’d encountered in the house. Miller rose up in outrage, swearing to join Poncey in his battle to make the house more accepting. As they shook on it, Miller commented on Poncey’s limp, clammy handshake.

Dorothy came down to the basement editing room to confront Lance about the bribe. He apologized for disappointing her, explaining that he wasn’t on the show by choice. He used to be a cameraman for Jack Hanna, until he fell asleep on the job and let Jack get attacked by a tiger. As punishment, he was sentenced to work on reality TV…unless he could win his freedom. Dorothy agreed to help him, on the condition that they have sex first.

Rory and Miller met secretly behind the Scandal House, where no cameras could record their encounter. After removing a chip from the flux capacitor, Rory offered Miller some special hydroponic weed. Smoking it, Miller fell under Rory’s hypnotic control, and Rory ordered him to forget that Rory had the chip. Miller pointed out that he wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway, and Rory replied that he doesn’t like to take chances.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 12, Episode 1: Reality Bites

2009-03-14T04:29:00.000-07:00

It's another new season...this time, they've thrown a bunch of characters together for a reality TV show. Featuring the return of Miller from Season 8 (even though he was killed off in the Jumping-the-Shark Episode).

Episode 1: Reality Bites

In an alley, a homeless woman named Dorothy was scrounging for cigarette butts when Rory Manchester walked by. He threw some money at her in an attempt to get rid of her, but she returned it to him. Admiring her honesty, he introduced himself, explaining that he was going to be on the new reality TV series “Scandal House,” and that he would win because he’s a go-getter at the peak of his self-actualization. Unimpressed, Dorothy tossed a lot of psychobabble right back at Rory.

Former child star Bixie Biederback, director/host of “Scandal House,” was in her office when producer Dick Castleberry stormed in. He reminded her of his credentials (having worked on “Top Gun”) and demanded that she make this show live up to those high standards. She assured him that she was up to the job, having been clean and sober for weeks now. They drank a toast with Perrier.

Two of the show’s contestants, Olan Mills photographer Eric von Landingham and stoner Miller were relaxing in the hot tub (fully clothed). After a bit of inadvertent (or was it?) sexual contact, Miller boasted that he would be the one to win the grand prize…Iceland. Eric pointed out that the prize was actually Greenland. Miller was disappointed because he was looking forward to skiing; Eric tried to explain that Greenland was actually icier than Iceland, confusing Miller to no end.

In the “confession booth,” Italian cameraman Lance Belligui was interviewing pro golfer Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker. Hank explained that his deep-seated anger was due to the fact that he had 7 ex-wives, 9 children, a fading career, and he was now reduced to talking to a foreigner holding a camera.

In the kitchen, Rory reminisced about watching Bixie’s TV show when she was a kid, and asked her to do her famous bit. Reluctantly, she delivered her catchphrase (“This gonna get me in a lot of trouble!”) and her trademark pout. Turning to business, Rory informed her that he always gets what he wants, and that he was going to win Greenland. He then offered to help her, suggesting a visual metaphor for her alcoholism:

RORY: “Think of the worst thing you can. Say, a dead puppy, to start. Now think of that puppy dying again, coming back as a zombie, and dying AGAIN because another dead puppy fell on it. And THAT puppy has herpes.”

Dick Castleberry met Dorothy behind the Scandal House. He found her bedraggled appearance and homeless wisdom so adorable, he was convinced she was a muppet or animatronic. She asked where he was from, and he explained that he grew up in a bubble in Hollywood, shielded from reality. Dorothy told him that he needed to listen to his heart and stop using devices to insulate himself from other people. Dick pretended to take a call on his cell phone.

Eric was trying to get ready for bed, but was uncomfortable due to Lance filming him. (“Kind of reminds me of my weird uncle.”) Eventually, he decided to sleep fully clothed. Eric confided to Lance that he was worried about being treated as eye candy, but Lance assured him he didn’t need to worry about that.

Hank and Miller were playing air-hockey in the rec room; when Hank bragged about scoring, Miller thought that Hank meant he had slept with the homeless chick. Hank tried to explain that he was talking about the game, although he did indeed want to have sex with Dorothy.

Bixie and Dick gathered all of the contestants in the great room to prepare them for the series. Bixie explained that they just needed to be real and natural, though Dick added that they also needed to fight and backstab each other. Dick boasted of his Hollywood successes, but Rory cut him down by reminding him that his last picture had been “Dunston Checks In”…and since Rory had lost a lot of money on that one, now Dick owed him big time.

Lance was filing his videotapes in the basement when Dorothy came to visit him. She gave him an umbrella from her shopping cart to shield him from the leaking ceiling. Touched, he told her about his home in Viennice. (“Imagine God took a palette and wiped it clean, then drizzled love and unicorns on it.”) That reminded Dorothy that she’d seen unicorns eating by the dumpster at Wendy’s. They decided to go out for a bite, and possibly see a unicorn.

Eric, Hank and Rory were working in the garden when Eric noticed a dead bird in a tree. Rory reminisced about how a bird was the first thing he’d ever seen die, launching into an inspirational narrative about how he took that bird’s egg and saved it, and kept that robin alive for 20 years with loving care, steroids, and animatronics. Hank and Eric realized that Rory was too good at everything, and that they’d need to get rid of him to stand any chance of winning.

In the bar, Lance showed Bixie some footage he’d shot (showing Dorothy telling Miller how she’d lost her leg and replaced it with cotton). Bixie attempted to maintain her professionalism, but was tempted by the Red Bull & vodka chargers surrounding her. When Dick entered and started badgering her about the show, she found the strength to resist, throwing a drink on the floor to make her point.

Hank was taking out the garbage, only to be startled by Dorothy sticking her head out of the can. She asked him about his anger, sensing that he obviously wants to use his golf club on people instead of little white balls. Hank retorted that he was having a good day…then confessed that he could only have good DAYS because he doesn’t have a good life.

Miller was working at Hello Pizza Kitty when Dick Castleberry came in for dinner. After Miller spent two hours going through the list of all the available toppings, Dick ordered a medium with love and an autographed photo of Bea Arthur.

In the showers, Eric told Rory how awestruck he was by Rory’s accomplishments. Eric talked about his own career at Olan Mills and his sideline as a drummer with a fledgling band…a good life, but nothing compared to Rory’s. Meanwhile, everybody else lined up and waited impatiently to take their own shower.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 9: Love in Bloom and Lovin' Dublooms

2009-03-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

And now, the final episode of the Prison season!

Episode 9: Love in Bloom and Lovin’ Dublooms

Picking up right after last episode’s cliffhanger, when Ronni Peterson asked Dexter Dewey if he’d enjoyed having sex with Rusty Trombonz, Dexter apologized for the dramatic pause and assured her that he didn’t enjoy it one bit. With that out of the way, they tried to figure out how they could circumvent Bruce Brüce’s ban on straight marriage.

Wayne Bo Casey, having sneaked through the electric gate by wearing a suit made of hot dogs, had finally gotten hold of Rusty’s treasure case. When Rusty ran into him, Wayne launched into a lengthy list of things that COULD be in the case (such as Lysol or 17 eyeballs), but finally admitted that it was indeed the dublooms. However, now that Wayne had heard the call of the dublooms, he couldn’t give them up. He said that Rusty would have to kill him to get the dublooms. Rusty had no problem with that.

Self-appointed warden Bruce Brüce called Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre into his office. The door played “I’m Comin’ Out” as Hoss opened it, and Bruce explained that he’d modified all the fixtures to play gay anthems. Hoss warned Bruce that people weren’t happy with his ban on straight marriage, but Bruce protested that the ban was necessary to preserve the sanctity of the institution.

BRUCE: “Do you know how many straight marriages end in divorce?”
HOSS: “There must be hundreds. It’s an epidermis!”

Bruce and Hoss then broke into a duet concerning their friendship for each other, with Hoss explaining how hard it was for him, as a straight man, to love a gay man.

In the laundry room, deposed warden Otis Barker was sneaking in supplies for the wedding, when Dexter came in to discuss what to do about Bruce. Dexter resolved by the Librarian’s Code (“set down by Conan the Librarian”) to destroy Bruce. He explained that, as the librarian, he controlled the records of all the books and websites used by each inmate. He had altered Bruce’s on-line records so that it looked like he’d been visiting sleazydream.com, the web’s top free straight porn site. Once the gay community found out, Bruce would be excommunicated and killed. After listening to the elaborate plot, Barker suggested that they come up with a Plan B.

Being an internet-ordained minister, Wayne was getting ready to perform the wedding ceremony. Ronni told Wayne how much she’d admired him since she was 4 years old, and that all she’d ever wanted was to be just like him. (She’d even outdone him by racking up a bigger bodycount.) Moved by her declaration, Wayne told her the unfortunate news that, after he performed the ceremony, he’d also be the one carrying out the execution. (“It’s my month.”) Ronni replied that she’d be honored to be killed by her idol.

RONNI: “You’re almost like a father figure to me.”
WAYNE: “I AM your father.”

In the exercise yard, Hoss and Rusty were both depressed: Hoss by his sexual confusion and Rusty by the loss of his dublooms. Hoss explained his situation, and Rusty began to offer some advice…but before he could, he clutched his chest and collapsed.

Ex-Warden Barker figured out his “Plan B” to destroy Bruce. He explained to Dexter that they would decorate the electric chair in a festive manner, tell Bruce that it was the Seat of Honor, and get him to sit in it. The only problem was, where were they going to find another gay man to be the decorator?

Meanwhile, Bruce had just finished adjusting the chair to play gay music when Wayne Bo Casey came by to ask a favor. Wayne explained that Ronni is his daughter, and that he’d pulled strings to have her brought to Little Five Points Penitentiary so he could be with her. He asked to be executed in Ronni’s place, offering Bruce the dublooms as a bribe.

In the visiting room, Barker met Hoss, who had accepted his sexuality and taken to wearing a leather biker cap and MC Hammer sunglasses. Hoss explained that his love for Bruce Brüce had finally brought him happiness. Barker suggested that Hoss demonstrate his love by decorating the electric chair as a present for Bruce.

Still lying prostrate in the exercise yard, Rusty Trombonz drifted in and out of consciousness before finally rising to his feet, calling out for his lost dublooms.

Dexter and Ronni were going over their pre-nup agreement. Dexter explained that, in the unlikely event that he dies before her execution, she would get his manuscript…a book he’d written all about her, the most beautiful girl in prison. They began slow-dancing as he revealed that he’d written a happy ending for them, going off to live in a beautiful barn together. She told him that she would build that barn for him in heaven.

Wayne was sitting in his cell when he heard Rusty’s distant cry of “Dublooms!” Rusty finally made his way to Wayne’s cell, only to be sucker-punched by Wayne. Wayne informed him that the dublooms had been spent and there was nothing he could do about it.

Hoss was decorating the electric chair in red silk and gold streamers, while dancing to “Material Girl.” Wayne, Barker, and Rusty suddenly materialized as his backup dancers.

Bruce Brüce was in his office, gazing at the dublooms, when Rusty entered. Demanding his treasure back, Rusty knocked everything off of Bruce’s desk. Bruce replied that he didn’t want the gold, since it was blood money. He’d realized that love was what was important…his love for Hoss, and Dexter and Ronni’s love for each other. Rusty sat down to consider this. As he settled into the chair, loud gay music suddenly blared. Rusty immediately keeled over.

Bruce rushed into the execution chamber to inform Hoss of Rusty’s heart attack, but was distracted by the sight of the newly-decorated chair. Bruce told Hoss that he no longer wanted to be warden. (“I don’t want to be the boss of you, I want you.”) Just then, Wayne, Dexter, Ronni and Barker all filed in for the wedding and execution. Bruce informed them that he was resigning, and his last official act as warden was to pardon both Ronni and Dexter.

BRUCE: “Most of the time, it’s the governor who does that, but in Georgia, that’s Sonny Perdue, so that’d be ridiculous.”

Bruce then offered Ronni and Dexter the case of dublooms as a wedding present, but Rusty suddenly rushed in and snatched the case away. Unfazed, Bruce offered them a check and a gun instead. Dexter loudly called out “Oh, look, there’s a dubloom on the floor here.” Rusty immediately ran back in, and Dexter shot him. Bruce congratulated Dexter on his first kill.

Bruce changed out of his warden’s outfit and returned it to Barker. Barker’s first act as returning warden was to order a DOUBLE wedding. Wayne performed the ceremony for not only Dexter & Ronni, but for Bruce & Hoss as well. Just as Wayne pronounced them all married, the chair went off while Bruce and Hoss were sitting in it, giving their honeymoon some real spark. (Sorry…)

THE END

Season 11, Episode 8: Fourteen Scenes to Enlightenment

2009-03-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

Episode 8: Fourteen Scenes to Enlightenment

Having turned the tables on his captor, Dexter Dewey now had Rusty Trombonz tied up, and began torturing him Tarantino-style while playing “Stuck in the Middle With You” on the radio. After sticking his hand under Rusty’s hairline, Dexter told him that this was just a warning.

Bruce Brüce, having taken over the warden’s office, was tidying up when Arman Redder came in. After some debate on the merits of Italian vs. American fashion designers, Arman asked Bruce if he’d ever read “The Great Gatsby.” Arman explained that he’d found a way to use Fitzgerald’s concept of “the high white note” for an escape plan. He handed Bruce his recorder and asked him to play a note so high, it would burst the pipes and flood the prison, so that the prisoners would be released for safety reasons.

Former Warden Otis Barker was in the visitation room, meeting with his old college buddy, the hippie therapist Dr. Duke Chestworth. Barker admitted that he’d allowed Bruce to switch places with him so that he wouldn’t have to go home to his family. Dr. Duke took Barker back to a childhood memory (watching “The Dukes of Hazzard”) so that he could talk to his father in his mind; the imaginary father figure assured Barker that nothing was his fault.

In the cafeteria, Arman confronted Rusty for stealing the heart of his pen-pal bride during her visit last week. Rusty retorted that Arman had ruined their marriage all by himself, because he doesn’t know what love is. Rusty explained about love by joining Arman in a ballet-like dance, which gradually grew more and more erotic.

Dr. Duke was helping Ronni Peterson get ready for her wedding to Dexter Dewey, not to mention her execution shortly afterwards. She told him how much she wished her parents could be there for the wedding, but she killed them when she was eleven. Dr. Duke told her that she needed to contact the rest of her family and make amends, or else she’d go to hell.

Otis Barker was showering (with his suit on) when Dexter came in, looking for a best man for his wedding. Barker agreed, but informed him that the only way they could fit the wedding into the schedule was to have it at the exact same time as Ronni’s execution.

Later, Barker stopped by his old office and was amazed by how Bruce had fixed it up. He asked where all the money was coming from, and Bruce presented a spreadsheet showing how he’d turned the prison into a success. Bruce explained that he took his new duties seriously and wasn’t just in it for the power. Barker asked if Bruce would apply his master touch to planning a bachelor party for Dexter. Bruce apologetically replied that he couldn’t do that, because he had just banned straight marriage.

Dr. Duke brought Rusty and Dexter together to resolve their differences. Rusty went into a monologue how it felt to be tied up and tortured, explaining that it hurt his essence and took away his mantra. Rusty and Dexter began a ballet dance of apology, which once again turned sexual. Arman entered, shocked to see that Rusty was balleting with other men.

Later, Ronni was sitting on the roof, contemplating her mortality, when Arman arrived. She invited him to the wedding, but was taken aback by his racist rhetoric. She informed him that she had killed people of all races and creeds, and through that, she’d learned that we’re all equal in the end. She told him that he’d been looking at through one eye for so long that he couldn’t see the truth. With that, she removed his eyepatch. Seeing the whole picture for once, Arman suddenly realized that all men ARE created equal.

Dexter was sitting in his cell, reading the Mammoth Book of Word Games, when Barker came in with the bad news. He tried to break it gently by explaining that there’d be no bachelor party, and Dexter said that was all right with him. He then broke into song explaining an embarrassing incident about a guy getting a wedgie at the Gold Club during a bachelor party. Barker then explained that not only would there be no bachelor party, but Bruce had outlawed straight marriage. Dexter saw two solutions: Either he could dig a tunnel to Canada, or they could kill Bruce, reinstate Barker, and rescind Bruce’s ruling.

BARKER: “I don’t know. I’ve never deliberately killed a man before. Sure, accidents have happened…”

Meeting Bruce by the hole, Arman explained that he’d now seen the light of tolerance and realized the error of his ways. Bruce informed Arman that he’d heard through the prison grapevine that a hit had been place on him. He offered to blow Arman’s “high white note” if Arman would be his bodyguard. They both got down on their knees (in a non-fellatio way) to seal the pledge.

Otis Barker informed Dr. Duke of his moral dilemma, explaining that the only way he could get his old life back was to kill a man. Duke sensed the dark shadow forming in Barker’s mind, and tried to talk him out of it by asking how he’d feel if Bo Duke killed Luke Duke. Barker rejected Duke’s advice and sent him away. Duke replied that, if Barker wanted that darkness in his mind, he’d respect that decision. Duke then used his psychic powers to give Barker a taste of all the darkness Duke carries around in his own mind. Duke warned him that he’d be experiencing that all the time if he went through with his plan.

Back by the hole, Bruce was beginning to reconsider his decision. He explained that, if he blew the note and let everybody escape, he’d lose the power (and more importantly, the self-respect) he’d attained as the new warden. Bruce told Arman that he truly believed that he’d changed his ways and become a better person, and that he’d be going to a better place. With that, Bruce stabbed Arman in the gut with his recorder.

Dexter sneaked into Ronni’s cell, explaining that he wouldn’t let the straight-marriage ban stop their relationship (and quoting Tracey Ullman’s “They Don’t Know”). However, he had to confess that, during his therapy session, he wound up having ballet-sex with Rusty Trombonz. Taken aback, Ronni asked if he had enjoyed it. Before he could answer, we ended on that cliffhanger…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 7: The Never-Ending Dance

2009-03-11T06:45:00.000-07:00

Episode 7: The Never-Ending Dance

In his office, Warden Otis Barker congratulated Bruce Brüce on having killed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver in a basketball deathmatch, thus ensuring that Washington would never receive Weaver’s report on the prison’s other violations.

BRUCE: “It’s weird how murder cancels out another crime. The PATRIOT Act changes things!”

Bruce cautioned that Barker owed him for this…big time.

Wayne Bo Casey was running around in circles in his cell when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre arrived. Wayne noticed that Hoss was bandaged, and Hoss explained that Arman Redder had shivved him in the gut. Hoss admitted that he’d been supplying Arman with steroids so that the team could win the basketball tournament, and Little Five Points Penitentiary could finally make a name for itself.

In the visitation room, Arman Redder finally met his wife, whom he’d married through correspondence. The visit got off to a rocky start when Arman greeted her as “Hot Tits,” so Rusty Trombonz offered some advice on how to talk to a woman. She soon began speaking directly to Rusty, ignoring Arman completely. Rusty asked if she’d carried out the errand they mentioned in their last letter, retrieving his dublooms from Medieval Times. She replied that she’d brought them in her car, but couldn’t bring them into the prison because they were too big. Rusty told her to leave the car in the parking lot, and they’d figure out how to get them in.

In Warden Barker’s office, Bruce issued a list of demands, including having rose petals scattered before him wherever he walks. When Barker hesitated, Bruce sang “Don’t Stop Me Now,” then threatened to sing more Queen songs until Barker gave in. When Barker protested that he wouldn’t have time for his other duties, Bruce replied that he would simply take over those duties himself…as the new Warden.

Rusty Trombonz was making his way to the parking lot when Wayne rushed past, hurrying to catch “The Price Is Right.” Seeing that Rusty was trying to get past the electrified gates, Wayne warned him that he’d be killed. Rusty decided to test it by throwing a quarter through the gateway, and we heard a crackling buzz. Wayne then tossed a baloney sandwich through, and again the gate buzzed. But when Rusty tossed a footlong hot dog through, nothing happened.

Arman was working out in the exercise yard when Hoss came by. After a tense standoff, they began fighting Star Trek-style. Overpowering Arman, Hoss ordered him to win the tournament, or he’s a dead man.

Barker was settling into Bruce’s cell as word spread through the prison grapevine about their switch. Wayne Bo Casey walked in, yodeling like the little Alpine hiker on “The Price Is Right.” Not noticing the change, Wayne informed “Bruce” of his plan to tie 18,000 hot dogs into a lasso and use it to pull the car through the gate. When Barker pointed out that he wasn’t Bruce, Wayne theorized that Bruce and Barker had switched brains. Wayne illustrated his theory by beginning a pelvic-thrusting dance, then found that he couldn’t stop.

In a secret lair deep inside the prison, Dexter Dewey regained consciousness and found himself tied up with Ronni Peterson, who was not dead after all. Ronni explained that they’d been held captive for a week, but had been provided with enough pudding to survive. Rusty Trombonz entered and explained why he’d done this…because Ronni reminded him so of his long-lost love Stacy. When Ronni protested that he was old enough to be her great-great-grandfather, Rusty insisted that love knows no boundaries.

Meanwhile, Wayne still couldn’t stop dancing.

Bruce had just finished redecorating the Warden’s office when Arman entered. Arman lamented that he longed to taste the air of freedom, especially now that he’d been rejected by his pen-pal wife. (“You’d think a woman would be flattered when you call her ‘Hot Tits.’”) Using his new authority, Bruce gave Arman a one-day pass to Six Flags. Bruce explained that this was the best he could do…if he could grant freedom, he’d be out himself.

Otis Barker finally stopped Wayne’s dance. Looking under Bruce’s bed, Wayne found a supply of hot dogs, already tied together. Wayne explained that he’d discovered the flaw in the electric gate that allowed hot dogs to get through. He then used the hot dogs to hypnotize Barker into forgetting his plan.

Making his rounds, Hoss Hardacre found Dexter Dewey’s cell empty. As he pondered the situation, Bruce entered (with rose petals scattered before him). They broke into a duet, with Bruce singing about the feelings that he’d developed for Hoss during their escape. When Hoss sang that he wasn’t gay, Bruce sang that his feelings weren’t sexual, just friendship…and if Hoss rejected that friendship, he’d have to bring the hammer down. All the inmates joined in the song.

Deep in the secret lair, Dexter and Ronni heard the song and were inspired to try escaping. The escape was quickly ended when Rusty beat Dexter senseless with his cane. Taking a seat on Dexter’s prone body, Rusty told Ronni how much she reminded him of his Stacy. In flashback, we saw how Stacy rejected Rusty for being poor, though he promised to have great wealth for her one day. And now, with his dublooms almost within his grasp, he’d finally lived up to that promise. As Rusty gloated about his treasure, Dexter managed to free himself from his ropes and used it to strangle Rusty. Stopping short of killing him, Dexter explained his plan to Ronni.

DEXTER: “You ever see ‘Reservoir Dogs’? If only I had a cool radio station to listen to while I do it.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 6: Ronni's Specter

2009-03-10T06:49:00.000-07:00

Episode 6: Ronni’s Specter

In his cell, Rusty Trombonz pulled out his secret map to his treasure of dublooms and was looking over it when Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered. Hoss explained that he was the acting warden while Warden Barker was refereeing the basketball deathmatch between Bruce Brüce and Chauncey Weaver. Hoss told Rusty that, in exchange for a share of the dublooms, he could make things a lot better for Rusty…like making sure he gets clean sheets.

In the execution chamber, Ronni Peterson was enjoying some private time with Dexter Dewey by striking erotic poses in the chair. Ronni declared her love for Dexter, pleading for him to marry her immediately…not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s going to be executed in two weeks. Dexter joyfully agreed. Since Wayne Bo Casey had been ordained a minister through mail-order, he could perform the ceremony. Breaking into song, Dexter informed Ronni that he needed her to teach him all about sex, since he’d never even seen a ’gina.

Working out in the weight room, Arman Redder thanked Wayne for giving him a second chance, assuring him (untruthfully) that he’d been off drugs for two days now. Wayne warned him that the steroids were still in his system and that he was still in the Danger Zone. They then began an elaborate role-playing exercise, portraying Loggins and Messina to symbolize their relationship.

Hoss told Rusty that all his treasure wouldn’t do him any good while it was out there, past the prison walls, minefields, and wolverine dens. However, he could arrange for 25% of that treasure to do Rusty some good now.

RUSTY: “So you’re saying you get 75% and I get a quarter?”
HOSS: “No, I’m saying you get 25% and I get the rest.”
RUSTY: “Duck season?”

In the chapel, Ronni asked Dexter not to think about her impending execution, but to focus on the happiness they have now. (“When you find your soulmate, it hits you like a ton of books.”) Dexter launched into a passionate monologue using library shelves as a metaphor for his heart, and was so moved that he finally rose from his wheelchair and stood on his feet once again (albeit unsteadily).

Running into Hoss Hardacre, Wayne Bo Casey immediately sensed that Hoss had a heavy burden on his mind. Hoss replied that he couldn’t tell anybody else about it. Wayne suggested that he write it down, just to let it out without revealing the secret to anybody else. When Hoss confessed that he was illiterate, Wayne offered to write it down for him. Agreeing, Hoss dictated his plan to arrange a jailbreak for Rusty Trombonz. Hoss explained that a Medieval Times restaurant had been built over the spot where Rusty buried his dublooms, and Wayne devised an elaborate plot to uncover the treasure during a joust.

When Arman Redder confronted Hoss Hardacre about his drug-pushing, Hoss broke into a song explaining how hard life was for a prison guard, and that all he asked in return was for Arman to make him proud on the basketball court. To make that happen, he needed performance-enhancing drugs.

Dexter and Wayne were in the commissary, going over the plans for Dexter’s wedding. Dexter explained that, instead of a wedding cake, he’d always dreamed of having a huge pile of wedding pudding. They began sampling different flavors to figure out which one to use.

Blissfully skipping through the halls, Ronni made her way to the Warden’s office and announced over the PA how much in love she was. As she did, a mysterious hooded figure in black appeared behind her. As soon as the figure spoke, she recognized him as Rusty Trombonz. Thinking she was after his dublooms, Rusty hit her in the knee with his cane.

Meanwhile, Dexter and Wayne continued the pudding-tasting. Somehow, Wayne segued into a monologue about his mother’s health problems. Dexter complimented Wayne on his unique thought processes.

Arman went up before the parole board, explaining that he was convicted under an unjust law for aiding and abetting his parents’ crime while he was in the womb. Unfortunately, he lost the board’s sympathy when he made some slurs against the Irish.

Hoss found the injured Ronni in the hall and informed her that a broken knee was no excuse for being out of her cell. She cried that she needed a wheelchair, and Hoss informed her that the only wheelchair in the prison was the one recently vacated by Dexter. When Ronni remarked on the irony of the situation, Hoss went into a lengthy explanation about the difference between irony and coincidence.

Dexter and Wayne were still going over the wedding plans. Wayne warned him that this was the first wedding he’d ever performed, and he had to have confidence that they were serious about her, and that the marriage wouldn’t fall apart due to adultery. Dexter assured him that, since Ronni had only two weeks to live, the chances of either of them finding time for an affair were pretty slim.

Returning to the prison yard, Arman informed Hoss that his parole had been denied due to failing his drug test. Hoss revealed that he’d provided the drugs for just that purpose, because he needed Arman in jail for the basketball tournament. Arman remarked how ironic that was. After defining “irony” for five minutes, Hoss warned Arman that he would cut off the drug supply if Arman refused to play ball for him. Arman responded by stabbing Hoss with a sharpened recorder.

Wobbling through the halls, Dexter Dewey found the critically-injured Ronni lying on the ground. Realizing that she was losing blood rapidly, Dexter begged her to hold on. The shadowy hooded figure of Rusty Trombonz appeared behind them. Mistaking the dark phantom for God, Dexter offered to give his own life if Ronni could have the last two weeks of hers.

RUSTY: “Don’t worry, she’s fine.”
DEXTER: “She’s fine? You hear that, honey? You’re fine!”
RUSTY: “Fine-ally DEAD!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 5: The Toilet-Themed Episode

2009-03-09T05:32:00.000-07:00

Episode 5: The Toilet-Themed Episode

Having reclaimed his office by force, Warden Otis Barker informed Superintendent Chauncey Weaver that he couldn’t allow him to return to Washington and report him…so he was keeping Weaver prisoner as the new prison janitor.

New inmate Ronni Peterson (temporarily held at L5P Penitentiary until she could be transferred to the Agnes Scott Women’s Prison) was eating in the cafeteria with Bruce Brüce. Bruce confessed that, during his escape with Officer Hoss Hardacre, he’d felt something he’d never felt before…he’d never been around a man who wasn’t interested in him, and it was breaking his heart. Bruce’s discussion of his love life prompted Ronni to reminisce about all her victims.

RONNI: “I like to come at ’em when they’re sleeping.”
BRUCE: “Really? I like to come ON them when they’re sleeping.”

Of course, this remark got Bruce sent to the hole.

Raymond Milk was doing some research about the puffin (“the misunderstood penguin”) in the library when Dexter Dewey rolled in. Dewey complained about Raymond’s good fortune: Raymond got stabbed 14 ½ times with no lasting effects, but one shiv to the gut put Dewey in a wheelchair. (“Life deals you a pair of aces, life deals me a pair of plegics.”) Raymond tried to cheer up Dewey by reminding him that he had knowledge, and knowledge is real power. Dewey replied that nobody valued intellect anymore, as demonstrated by the last election.

Hoss was overseeing Arman Redder’s physical therapy, helping him to regain the use of his broken finger in time for the basketball tournament. Playing to Arman’s racist instincts, Hoss told him to think of the pain as a minority group, like Lithuanians, and to deal with it the way he would with them. Arman pleaded with Hoss to get him some meds so that he could play again.

Wayne Bo Casey was singing REO Speedwagon in his cell when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the toilet. As Weaver went about his janitorial duties, he gave Wayne a feedback form to rate his service on a scale of 1 to 5. Wayne saw his chance to pay Weaver back for turning him into a psychotic killer…plus taking a cut of all the Wayne Bo Casey T-shirts that were sold. Wayne ordered Weaver to dance for him; when Weaver demonstrated some breakdancing moves, Wayne was so impressed that he gave him all 5s on his report.

Warden Barker released Bruce from the hole, then asked a favor from him. Barker explained that he couldn’t allow Weaver to make his report to Washington, so he needed to ruin Weaver’s reputation and credibility. Bruce assured him that he could use his outside connections with the Rainbow Mafia to make the world think that Weaver was gay…just like they did to Rock Hudson. In exchange, Bruce wanted a solid gold toilet.

Ronni Peterson was stalking Dewey through the prison. When he finally noticed her, he praised her beauty. (“Your skin is porcelain, like a beautiful, beautiful toilet…I know we talk about toilets a lot here, sorry.”) They made a date for Dewey to come by her cell later on, and he’d bring so much pudding they wouldn’t be able to breathe.

Wayne and Arman were practicing their basketball moves in the courtyard when Wayne noticed that Arman’s eye was dilated. Finding Arman’s drug paraphernalia, Wayne informed him that he couldn’t trust his escape plan to a junkie. Wayne announced that he had a new partner for the team…Bruce Brüce. Angrily, Arman demanded that they play a match to see who would make the cut; Arman immediately lost.

Afterwards, Bruce was in the shower when Janitor Weaver came in to clean the drains. Weaver was repulsed by Bruce’s obvious gayness, but went about his duties in hope of good customer-service feedback. Bruce began asking Weaver some questions, while holding a bar of soap up to Weaver’s face. (“It’s all right, it’s just a bar of soap, it’s not a tape recorder or anything.”) Seeing through the charade, Weaver snatched away the bar and attempted to snap it in half. Failing that, he broke the bar by biting into it…discovering that it was indeed just a bar of soap.

Stopping by Ronni Peterson’s cell, Warden Barker saw that she was getting ready for a date. When she explained that she was waiting for Dexter Dewey, Barker was initially taken aback, but told her what a nice gesture it was to give Dewey a pity date (just as Dewey arrived). Ronni and Dewey informed him that it was not a pity date; sensing the awkwardness of the moment, Barker went back to his office.

In the office, Hoss informed Barker that he’d had Ronni’s cell under constant surveillance (although they’d have to take the hidden cameras to Eckerd’s to get them developed). As Barker rhapsodized how good it was to see romance blooming in his prison, Hoss warned him that having a woman there would lead to jealousy and riots. Barker saw his point, but couldn’t bring himself to break them up…so Hoss set out to do it himself.

On his way to Ronni’s cell, Hoss ran into Arman Redder, who hit him up for a fix. Hoss gave him some more pills, warning him that these meds had better pay off on the basketball court.

On their date, Ronni was feeding pudding to Dewey when she asked why he was in jail. Dewey was reluctant to tell her, fearing that she’d turn against him, but he eventually confessed: “I had sex with a bus full of children. Now, before you judge me, I didn’t have sex with the children…I just had sex with the bus.” Ronni replied that she doesn’t judge him, and continued feeding him pudding. Just then, Janitor Weaver came by to clean the toilet. He screamed in horror, mistaking the pudding for…um, something else.

Fleeing in disgust, Weaver went up to the roof, where he found Wayne lost in thought. Weaver apologized for trying to cancel the basketball game back when he had the authority to do so. Weaver asked if he could be Wayne’s new partner, if the current one should happen to die. After a bit of practice so Wayne could see Weaver’s moves, Wayne agreed to kill Bruce so that Weaver could take his place. They’d win the tournament, escape, and start a speakeasy.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 4: And That's a Lesson Learned

2009-03-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

Episode 4: And That’s a Lesson Learned

As the new head of the prison, Superintendent Weaver issued his first orders, revoking the inmates’ eating and sleeping privileges, plus ordering twice as much ass-raping for Rusty Trombonz and Dexter Dewey. When Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre entered, Weaver chewed him out for helping Bruce Brüce to escape. Hoss wasn’t intimidated, since he remembered Weaver’s first day on the job as a guard, when Weaver pissed his pants in fear.

Arman Redder was in his cell, recording his Aryan-supremacy public-access show “Everything’s Going to Be All White” (this episode being devoted to demonizing the Irish), when his “special guest” Rusty Trombonz entered. Rusty had no idea what Arman’s show was all about.

Wayne Bo Casey came into the commissary and discovered ex-Warden Barker dishing out the whipped potatoes. Barker explained that he’d been demoted, but was still just as dedicated to this job as he’d been to his old one. Wayne suggested that he think back to the happy times, then shared a childhood memory of the time his father pushed him on the swing before abandoning him. Wayne then explained that even though the prisoners never respected Barker before, now that they’d had a taste of Weaver’s sadism, they wanted him back. (“So I’m slightly better than the worst-case scenario?”)

Dexter Dewey went to Weaver’s office to register a complaint. (“Wait, you’re filing complaints against me…TO me?”) Dewey angrily protested Weaver’s constant profanity and the ordered increase in anal rape, and then started kicking over the furniture.

As Hoss Hardacre gave Rusty Trombonz a makeover in the prison barbershop, Rusty told Hoss that his recent multiple stabbings by Dexter Dewey had made him realize he needed protection. In return, he’d give Hoss a share of the dublooms from his train robbery. As Hoss contemplated the things he could buy for his wife, Rusty reminisced about his own wife Stacy. In a flashback, young Rusty sang a love song to Stacy…at which point, Dexter’s grandfather rushed in and stabbed him.

Arman and Wayne were in the showers, practicing their smack talk for the upcoming basketball game. Wayne boasted that, once they win the championship and escape, they’d be scot free due to triple jeopardy: “You can’t be jailed if you’re a basketball champion!”

Ex-Warden Barker was tarring the roof over when Dewey arrived and remarked on the “retarred” roof. Dewey was immediately thrown into the hole for making such an awful pun, and Barker was thrown in as well after discovering that he’d been using human waste instead of tar. In the hole, Dewey told Barker a secret he could use to take down Weaver: Weaver was the one who turned Wayne Bo Casey from an ordinary citizen into a psychotic killer.

Wayne was rifling through Rusty’s cell when Hoss entered. Wayne explained that he was searching for the key to open Rusty’s trunk full of dublooms. Hoss asked Wayne what he would do with Rusty’s treasure, and Wayne explained that he would look up his friend on the outside, Dr. Cotton Fitzsimmons. Wayne launched into an ambitious monologue of his plan to have Dr. Fitzsimmons clone him and make a new Wayne who’d avoid all of his old mistakes. Hoss replied that Wayne didn’t need to clone himself to make a new start; he could do that by himself…without the dublooms.

Superintendent Weaver was going over some figures in his office when Arman Redder came in to talk with him. Weaver warned Arman that he would have no part of Arman’s racism. (“I hate everyone indiscriminately!”) They began arguing and throwing things around, actually breaking the telephone. Furious, Weaver cancelled the basketball tour, then broke Arman’s finger.

Released from the hole, Dewey was all by himself at the prison dance when Rusty approached him. As they danced, Dewey apologized for stabbing Rusty so many times, explaining that he just can’t stand it when old people sing. They made amends to the tune of “Making Love Out of Nothing At All.”

Ex-Warden Barker was cleaning up the officers’ lounge when Hoss came in. Appalled to see his former boss reduced to this, Hoss told Barker to stand up to Weaver…then reluctantly informed him that Weaver had revoked Barker’s not-being-beaten privileges. When Barker protested that Weaver was so much bigger and stronger than him, Hoss reminded him of the time the midget inmate Pepe Lopez killed a 6’8” opponent. Hoss then began spraying Barker with mace to build him up into a man.

Arman was in the library, consulting medical books to treat his broken finger. When he made an anti-Semitic remark about the medical establishment, Dewey indignantly called him on it.

ARMAN: “Why? What have the Jews ever done for you?”
DEWEY: “They gave birth to me.”

Dewey informed Arman that he needed to look at himself instead of blaming other groups for his problems. (“It’s not our differences that make us different!”) When Arman refused to give an inch on his bigotry, a fight broke out. Rusty and Hoss rushed in, but Dewey told them to stay out of it, insisting that it was his fight. After an intense struggle, Dewey strangled Arman with the telephone cord, but was critically injured himself. Gasping, Dewey told Rusty that he would find some vital information in his cell, but collapsed before he could explain further.

In his cell, Wayne was practicing his stand-up act, demonstrating the observational humor of a deranged mind. (“You ever notice that when you lick an envelope, it taste like shit? They used to taste like raspberries, but now they taste like sheeeeiiit!”)

Weaver was in is office when Barker stormed in, demanding his job back. Wayne came in to back Barker up, followed shortly by Arman, Hoss, Rusty, and even Dewey (in a wheelchair). They explained that they were holding an intervention for Weaver’s addiction to power. The shock was too much for Weaver, who immediately had a heart attack. Rusty performed his own brand of CPR…with a shiv.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 3: With a Song (and a Knife) in My Heart

2009-03-07T03:28:00.000-08:00

Episode 3: With a Song (and a Knife) in My Heart

Raymond Milk (recovering from 14 ½ stab wounds) told Warden Otis Barker all about the riot that had gone down during Barker’s absence. Barker assured Raymond that there would be no repercussions over the death of Substitute Warden Linda Strunck, since she wasn’t the real warden anyway. Barker then told Raymond about his trip to Washington, where his superiors had ordered him to get tougher. Barker boasted that he’d told Superintendent Weaver where to get off…just as Weaver entered the office.

In the prison library, Rusty Trombonz was consumed with guilt over stabbing Raymond during the riot. He broke into song explaining that, in his long career as a robber, he had never committed an act of violence before. In his despair, he began stabbing the dictionary…which prompted librarian Dexter Dewey to rush in and stab Rusty’s hand to the table. Dewey warned Rusty that if he ever heard him singing again, there’d be more of the same.

Bruce Brüce and Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre had broken out of jail and were making their way to Hoss’ home in Noonan, to prevent the murder of Hoss’ wife Martha.

Playing basketball in the exercise yard, Wayne Bo Casey and Arman Redder devised an elaborate scheme: By winning the Inmate-Guard games, they could parlay their success into a tour until they play the Harlem Globetrotters in Madison Square Garden. Once there, they could disguise themselves as concessionaires. Arman intended this as an opportunity to escape, but Wayne just saw it as a chance to slit patrons’ throats at random.

Superintendent Weaver was chewing out Barker while throwing furniture around. Weaver grabbed the PA and informed everybody that Warden Barker was fired, and declared himself King Shit of the prison.

In the cafeteria, Raymond asked Wayne to help him kill Rusty Trombonz in revenge for his stabbing. Wayne launched into a lecture about karma, explaining that Raymond deserved those 14 ½ wounds for snitching about the riot.

Ex-Warden Barker stopped by Rusty’s cell, despondent over his firing. Rusty began to offer him some advice, but when his speech segued into a song, Dexter immediately rushed in and stabbed him.

Hoss and Bruce were on the run in Midtown. Bruce told Hoss that he had to be inconspicuous and blend in by acting gay, but Hoss couldn’t figure out how to do that. Hoss decided that he wouldn’t feel gay if he pretended that Bruce was a woman. They took each other’s hand and began walking along.

Raymond was sitting in his cell when Arman Redder came by, complaining that Raymond hadn’t come through on his promise to provide a woman to bear Arman’s child. Raymond pointed out that he had indeed fulfilled his obligation by hooking Arman up with the substitute warden; it wasn’t his fault that she was burned to death in the riot. Arman warned Raymond that their business wasn’t over yet, then left as Ex-Warden Barker arrived. Raymond expressed his sympathy, reminiscing over all the good things Barker had done for the inmates…like Brownie Thursday, when Brownie troops would visit the prison to be “Scared Straight.” After Raymond made one too many suggestive comments about the Brownies, Superintendent Weaver stormed in and threw Raymond in the hole. After Weaver stormed out again, Barker went over to the hole and urged Raymond to find out Weaver’s dark secrets and deepest fear so that Barker could use it against him.

In the showers, Arman told Dewey that he’d heard about the dictionary-stabbing incident, and offered his protective services to Dewey. In return, he wanted Dewey to provide him with books about basketball…and to file a complaint against the warden.

Even the fearless Wayne Bo Casey was terrified when Superintendent Weaver visited his cell. Wayne screamed “You created me,” explaining that he’d been a normal, ordinary man until 15 years ago, when he was arrested for a traffic violation. It was Weaver’s brutality that turned Wayne into the psychotic white-faced maniac he was today.

WAYNE: “Now, I kill child stars for a living.”
WEAVER: “How do you make money off of that?”

Weaver retorted that Wayne should be grateful that Weaver transformed him from a nobody into a man known and feared by the entire world. Wayne snapped and knocked the mug from Weaver’s hand. Weaver shouted that that “coffee” mug was really filled with his favorite whiskey, then started strangling Wayne.

Hoss and Bruce arrived at Hoss’ house, then split up to prevent the murder. Bruce found the hitman and asked him to call off the hit. The hitman agreed, surprising Bruce by being so easy-going about it. Hoss found his wife and apologized for taking out a contract on her by mistake, reassuring her that he truly did still love her. As Hoss tearfully explained that he was on the run and hade to leave once again, Bruce gave the hitman a new assignment as Martha’s bodyguard. As they left, Hoss thanked Bruce for his help, but informed him that he still had to fulfill his duty as a guard and take Bruce back to jail.

Rusty was up on the roof, alone with his thoughts. Looking around to make sure Dewey was nowhere in sight, he began to sing about his feelings. Dewey immediately rushed in and attacked Rusty with a knife. Still trying to sing throughout the struggle, Rusty managed to get hold of the knife. Superintendent Weaver stomped in, shouting that nobody but him could kill anybody in his prison. Rusty threw the knife at Weaver, hitting him in the crotch (handle-first, luckily for Weaver). As Weaver doubled up, Dewey grabbed his cup and took a swig, only to discover that it was indeed real whiskey.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 2: The Riot Act

2009-03-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

Episode 2: The Riot Act

Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre had switched uniforms with inmate Dexter Dewey so that Dewey could take the SAT test for him, and was now offering some tips to Dewey on how to act like a guard. When Dewey attempted an intimidating shout, his teeth flew out of his mouth.

Bruce Brüce met Linda Strunck, the visiting substitute warden on loan from Sue Helmsly Women’s Penitentiary (where Bruce had once been an inmate due to a paperwork error). Bruce informed her that, while she may be the acting warden, he was the one who really ran the place.

In the exercise yard, psychotic clown Wayne Bo Casey lamented to Raymond Milk that he might have to cancel the annual riot, since nobody had answered his e-vites. Wayne was so stressed that his multi-colored hair was starting to fall out. Raymond calmed him down by offering him a bag of pre-packaged meatballs.

Linda Strunck was settling into the warden’s office when Dexter Dewey (impersonating Hoss) entered. After the introductions, “Hoss” told her that he was the one who ran the place. He warned her that the inmate “Dexter Dewey” was a troublemaker who should be transferred or electrocuted at the first opportunity.

Arman Redder stopped by Rusty Trombonz’ cell to recruit the elderly prisoner for his Aryan brotherhood, explaining that the group offered such activities as playing the recorder and rewriting the Bible. Rusty replied that he hadn’t served in the Great War so that the country could come to this, then explained in song how he lost his ass in combat. Arman broke into a song of his own explaining his desire to purify the country, or at least get a woman.

Bruce and Hoss Hardacre (disguised as Dewey) were in the laundry room discussing the special birthday present Bruce had arranged for Hoss’ wife: Death. Bruce reassured Hoss that everything had been arranged and that somebody on the outside was on their way to kill her that night. Shocked and horrified, Hoss explained that he’d been talking about “Death,” the new fragrance from Calvin Klein.

Wayne Bo Casey called a staff meeting/pep talk for all the prisoners, going over the plans for this year’s riot. They agreed that Wayne would signal the start of the riot by setting the new warden on fire.

Hoss pleaded with Dewey to switch places again so that Hoss could save his wife. However, now that he’d tasted power, Dewey wasn’t about to go back to being an inmate. When Hoss attempted to take back his uniform by force, Dewey beat him with his nightstick and sprayed his ass with mace.

Raymond Milk informed Substitute Warden Strunck that there was a riot being planned, and promised more information if she would do something in return for him. When she agreed, Raymond explained that he’d promised to get a woman for Arman Redder…so she needed to take one for the team.

Wayne laid out the plan for the riot…while entertaining everybody with his magic act, he would light his own fart, thus setting the warden on fire, and on that signal, everybody would get butt-naked. Bruce talked him out of it, explaining that he needed to escape and prevent Martha Hardacre’s murder, and a butt-naked riot might be too tempting for him to leave.

Still disguised as Hoss, Dexter Dewey took the SAT, acing it by correctly answering how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie Pop. (No, it’s not three.)

Arman Redder was reading a letter from his girlfriend/kinfolk Tiffany when Linda Strunck entered his cell. As much as it disgusted her to do it, she told Arman that she was going to sleep with him for the good of the prison.

Hoss was sitting in the hole (where Dewey had thrown him) when Bruce arrived and informed him that they were going to escape during the riot. They’d need to take out the “guard” Dewey and take his keys. Hoss told Bruce he could handle that, since he’d been building up an immunity to mace for years.

Linda Strunck and Arman Redder were spooning in the afterglow, with Linda marveling at what she’d been missing all those years. Arman, on the other hand, was feeling rather nauseous.

Carried away with his role as a guard, Dewey/“Hoss” began harassing Bruce, beating him with his nightstick and spraying his ass with mace (which didn’t phase him in the least). Bruce went all gay-kung-fu on Dewey and easily overpowered him, telling him to remember which side he’s really on when the riot goes down.

Rusty Trombonz and Raymond Milk were carving weapons out of soap when the guilt-ridden Raymond confessed that he’d ratted out a fellow prisoner. Rusty told him that in the old days, they’d string a rat up by his toes and cover him in mayonnaise.

Arman was trying to wash the sex off in the shower, but Linda was still clinging to him. She informed him that, as the warden, she could arrange for his release…or she could keep him with her forever. Arman felt like a piece of meat.

Hoss was standing by the phone, waiting for his wife to call so that he could warn her. Hoss asked Wayne to help him escape during the riot…in exchange for which, Hoss would let Wayne ride the ponies out back of the prison.

Bruce told Rusty that he needed a favor for his escape. During the riot, he needed Rusty to create a distraction and get blood on the floor by stabbing somebody. Rusty could decide for himself who to stab and how severely.

The staff and inmates filed in for Wayne’s magic show. As Linda Strunck remarked how glad she was that those rumors of a riot were unfounded, Wayne lit his fart and set her on fire. In the ensuing riot, Rusty stabbed Raymond repeatedly, Arman threw himself onto Linda to save their baby, and Hoss stripped Dewey of his uniform before escaping with Bruce. Wayne declared it to be the “Best riot ever!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 11, Episode 1: Big House, Big Trouble

2009-03-05T09:37:00.000-08:00

Yet another new season and new setting...this time around, SCANDAL! goes to jail.

Episode 1: Big House, Big Trouble

Warden Barker began a typical day at Little Five Points Penitentiary by making the morning announcements, concluding on a personal note by informing the prisoners that today was his 24th wedding anniversary to his lovely wife Candice.

In the prison kennels, Bruce Brüce was on dog duty, with Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre overseeing. Taking Bruce aside, Hoss asked if Bruce could use his connections with the Rainbow Mafia to do him a favor. Hoss explained that his wife’s birthday was coming up, and he’d like to get her a special surprise gift…like maybe death.

Raymond Milk, the cellblock black marketeer, was sitting in his cell when Aryan supremacist Arman Redder came by to pick up some Crest WhiteStrips (to make himself even whiter). Arman marveled at Raymond’s luxuriously furnished cell, complete with NASA-designed Thermapedic mattress. When Arman asked where Raymond gets all his stuff, Raymond slapped him for being so nosy.

Prison librarian Dexter Dewey was getting a book for the ancient convict Rusty Trombonz, while Rusty reminisced about the old days before libraries. Searching for his library card, Rusty found a deck of playing cards instead, so he proceeded to teach Dexter the basics of poker (without much success).

The deranged clown Wayne Bo Casey was making a telephone call to his bookie when Warden Barker walked by; Casey immediately pretended to be talking to his mother. After Casey hung up, the warden informed him that his electrocution would be delayed due to a malfunction in the chair. Casey angrily complained that he needed those electric shocks to treat his tics. Barker admitted that he had other problems on his mind: They’d ranked dead last as the worst prison in the country. To improve their rating, everyone in the prison needs to bring up their SAT scores immediately.

Bruce Brüce repaired the electric chair with a MacGyver-like procedure using toilet paper, a turtle, and a tin of Altoids, while Raymond offered to dedicate the new chair by reading aloud from either the Bible or an issue of Hustler featuring Jenna Jameson. At the conclusion of the ceremony, they tested the chair, giving Raymond the shock of his life.

Rusty Trombonz was eagerly anticipating his upcoming release, after serving a 63-year sentence. Hoss Hardacre warned Rusty that his enemies would be gunning for him, but offered him protection…in return for a cut of the hidden fortune from Rusty’s great train robbery.

Wayne Bo Casey asked Warden Barker for some more soap, explaining that he’d eaten his ration to stop the aliens from homing in on its transmitting device. Barker pointed out that, if Casey had pled insanity at his trial, he could have been sent to a cushy mental facility instead. Offended by Barker’s implication that he’s crazy, Casey attacked. Hoss Hardacre rushed in and broke up the fight. When the Warden apologetically explained that it was his own fault for calling Wayne crazy, Hoss took them both into the hole.

Afterwards, Hoss consulted with Dexter Dewey regarding the prison’s terrible SAT scores. Hoss explained that he was terrible at standardized tests…but since the testers had never seen him, he could switch uniforms with Dewey and have Dewey take the test in his place.

Warden Barker (having been released from the hole) called Arman Redder into his office to discuss the SAT problem. Arman explained that he had no experience with the outside world, having lived in prison his whole life (sentenced for a crime his parents committed while he was in the womb). He also believed that math tests were a conspiracy controlled by the Italians, trying to put the country under the Pope’s control. However, he agreed to help out by bringing in a bunch of his genius buddies from Texas to take the tests.

After Bruce complained about the prison food, Raymond offered to bring in some Omaha Steaks…for $2,000. Raymond confided that he knew Bruce could afford that much for food, since he was secretly a leader of the Rainbow Mafia. In the course of their conversation, Raymond finally made one innuendo too many, and Bruce attacked him with a spoon.

In his cell, Wayne Bo Casey read a letter from a pen-pal, then launched into a monologue about his dreams of freedom.

Having switched uniforms with Hoss, Dewey got carried away with the role and started barking and bellowing at everyone in his path, then began beating “prisoner” Hoss with his nightstick. The warden passed by and complimented the “guard” on the good work.

To help boost the SAT scores, Rusty Trombonz was teaching the other inmates about the 32nd President, Woodrow Wilson (telling them that Wilson was only in office for thirty seconds). Bruce asked Rusty a history question about Rusty’s great train robbery, then realized that Rusty had hidden the gold in the grave of Woodrow Wilson.

Warden Barker checked in on Dewey’s cell, where Hoss was disguised in a convict’s uniform. When Barker greeted “Dewey,” Hoss asked the warden just how stupid he really was.

While Wayne and Arman were cleaning the Warden’s office, Wayne picked up the intercom and made a prank announcement promising the convicts a field trip to Six Flags. We heard the noise of countless prisoners rushing into the yard and being gunned down by guards.

Bruce asked Rusty if he could get a gun to somebody on the outside and take out Martha Hardacre. Rusty agreed, if Bruce didn’t tell anyone about his hidden dublooms. When Bruce corrected his pronunciation, Rusty explained that these weren’t doubloons, but the even rarer Portuguese gold dublooms.

Warden Barker lamented to Arman about the riot sparked by the false announcement, complaining that everything was going wrong…and what’s worse, the country-fried steak had been taken off the menu.

Hoss was sitting in Dewey’s cell when Wayne came by to say goodnight. Hoss confessed that, having been on the receiving end of a beating, he now felt conflicted about his use of force. As Wayne expressed his sympathy, Hoss asked a favor. He explained that his son’s 7th birthday was coming up soon, and asked Wayne to perform at the party (as long as he doesn’t kill anyone). Wayne was enraged at being called a clown, insisting that he was actually an undercover FBI agent. However, he agreed to swallow his pride as a favor to Hoss.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 10, Episode 11: Call It

2009-03-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

Episode 11: Call It

Little Sammy Swanson’ father, Steven Swanson, arrived at the hospital, explaining that he’d just returned from his Disneyland vacation (courtesy of the Make-a-Wish Foundation) and had come to pick up his son’s remains and the insurance check. Rosie Jay informed him that not only was Sammy still alive, but that she had adopted him. Steven was puzzled as to how she could have done that, but he didn’t let his confusion or her obvious contempt stop him from coming on to her.

Nurse Barney Kabob was up on the roof, casing the bank across the street. When Head Nurse Yummy Wampler came up to do some cleaning, Barney confessed that he felt out of place in the hospital and was feeling the lure of his old criminal lifestyle. Yummy asked why he’d been in prison in the first place.

BARNEY: “You ever get filled with rage? Rage that makes you wrap your fingers around the living neck of another human being until it stops? You ever do that five times?”

Uncomfortable with the way Barney was looking at her, Yummy informed him that she’d lost her erogenous zones in a Girl Scout accident years before. She managed to talk Barney down and get him to face the cause of his problems: a lack of love from his mother. Barney broke down crying and asked Yummy to be his mom.

Dr. Corky Howser was examining Sammy Swanson, amazed that Sammy had managed to hold on for so long. Sammy informed him that he had accepted his impending death…but now that he’d reached puberty, he wanted to die a man and not a boy. Corky, being 15 and afflicted with Down’s Syndrome, didn’t know what he meant by that. Corky asked Sammy to explain the birds and the bees.

SAMMY: “Well, from what I learned from Cinemax, the boy comes over to repair the cable or some other major appliance…”

Attorney Wince Medler and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were playing a game of high-stakes poker, with Stern deep in the hole. As a piece of friendly advice, Wince explained Stern’s problem: He thinks out loud when he looks at his cards. As they continued the game, Wince informed Stern that he was representing 19 patients who suing the hospital after developing Legionnaire’s Disease. They set the stakes for the next hand: If Stern wins, Wince drops the lawsuit. If Wince wins, Stern steps down and appoints Wince the new CEO of the hospital. Naturally, Wince won the hand and the hospital…then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any worse for Stern, he started showing the first symptoms of Legionnaire’s Disease.

Rosie Jay and Barney Kabob met in a restaurant to discuss their upcoming wedding, but the conversation turned ugly when Barney accused her of inappropriate behavior with Sammy. She retorted that he was only projecting his own fears and anger onto her, but this psychological talk went completely over his head. Rosie angrily broke off the engagement.

Steven Swanson was drinking at the hospital bar, the Rusty Scalpel, where Stern Boyer was serving the drinks. Steven informed Stern that he was planning to sue the hospital for keeping his son alive and denying Steven his insurance check. Just then, Sammy Swanson entered.

STEVEN: “What are you doing alive?”
SAMMY: “I could ask you the same question…but it wouldn’t make any sense.”

Sammy warned his father that he had prepared a letter for the Make-a-Wish Foundation, informing them of Steven’s fraud. He went on to explain that the insurance money would go to his new mother, Rosie Jay. Steven replied that he would challenge the adoption, since both he and Sammy’s morbidly obese mother were still alive.

In the supply room, Yummy Wampler was practicing her stand-up comedy routine, using an IV stand as an imaginary microphone. Little Sammy entered, and after a brief conversation, Sammy asked Yummy to take his virginity and make a man of him.

SAMMY: “You’re more of a woman than I’ve ever seen before.”
YUMMY: “Oh, you poor kid.”

Yummy warned Sammy that she had no erogenous zones, but with his lack of experience, she figured it wouldn’t make any difference.

Dr. Corky Howser was in his office, contemplating his domain as the hospital’s new Chief Surgeon. Just then, Wince Medler entered and informed Corky that he’d won control of the hospital from Stern Boyer. He announced that, as the new CEO, he was going to fire Corky…then, as an attorney, he would represent Corky and file a discrimination suit against the hospital.

Rosie Jay was out driving the ambulance when Stern Boyer jumped in front of it. After Rosie pulled him inside, Stern lamented that he’d lost the hospital in a poker game, and that he was dying of Legionnaire’s Disease. Rosie told him that Legionnaire’s Disease was easily treatable, but his gambling addiction was the problem he REALLY needed help with. Inspired by her street smarts and confident attitude, Stern put her in charge of the hospital (even though he no longer had the authority to do so).

Barney Kabob was in the chapel, asking God why He’d forsaken him. Just then, Steven Swanson entered and asked Barney to help him collect his insurance by getting rid of Sammy. Barney pointed out that the insurance policy only worked if Sammy died a natural death, but Steven countered that “natural things happen,” especially in such a crappy hospital. Feeling abandoned by God and tempted by Steven’s evil, Barney ripped off his shirt to reveal the devil-face gang tattoo on his chest. Steven realized that he and Barney were both fellow members of The Diablos.

Enjoying a post-coital snack of Teddy Grahams, Sammy noticed that Yummy had become quiet and withdrawn. She explained that she felt guilty and dirty, and informed him that it would never work out…he was terminally ill, and she’d probably go to prison where she’d become some other woman’s bitch. Her only consolation was that, since Sammy would die soon, nobody would ever know about their illegal encounter. Sammy informed her that he’d captured their moments of passion on his on-line journal and webcam.

Corky lamented the loss of his job to Barney (who was standing with his back towards Corky). When Barney turned around, Corky saw the devil tattoo on his chest and was stricken with fear. Realizing that Barney had gone over to the side of evil, Corky warned that he would stop Barney’s nefarious plans. They began wrestling.

Wince Medler was settling into his new office when Steven Swanson arrived and informed him he was suing the hospital. Gloating, Steven rubbed his crotch, and a loud “boo” filled the room. Steven explained the noise by revealing that he’d had his testicles replaced with See-and-Say toy parts 14 years ago. Wince pointed out that, since Sammy Swanson is only 13, that means Sammy couldn’t possibly be Steven’s son, which means he has no claim. Steven cursed that his plans had been foiled by his poor math skills. Just then, Corky ran through, screaming that a murderer was loose in the hospital. Barney burst in immediately afterwards and quickly knocked Corky unconscious. In the confusion, Steven picked up Corky’s toy hammer and lightly tapped Wince on the head, killing him instantly. Yes, you read that right…toy hammer, light tap, killed.

In the operating room, Barney had Corky tied facedown on a gurney and was preparing to give him an enema of Legionnaire’s Disease. However, before that could happen, Yummy burst in, carrying the dying (this time for sure) Sammy Swanson. She untied Corky and put Sammy onto the gurney so they could save him, but Sammy flatlined moments later. Corky managed to bring him back with mouth-to-mouth, just as Rosie Jay and Stern Boyer entered. Barney tried to sneak out of the room in the confusion, but was blocked when Steven Swanson arrived. Steven informed Barney that he’d receive his payment as soon as Sammy flatlined permanently. Yummy declared her love for Sammy and told everybody about their encounter, since it was already on the Internet anyway. Steven informed Sammy that, even though he was still just waiting to profit from his death, he was proud that his son had become a man. Suddenly, everybody realized what Sammy’s “manhood” meant.

BARNEY: “Wait a minute! You hired me to kill the kid. If he’s a man, the deal’s off.”
ROSIE: “And if he’s a man, you don’t get the money!”
YUMMY: “If he’s a man, I didn’t do anything illegal…three times.”
STERN: “If he’s a man…I’m still dying!”

Sammy presented his will: He left all his love to Rosie, and Yummy three times on Sunday. His genitals would go to Steven Swanson, to replace his toy testicles. The insurance money would go to Little Five Points Hospital so that it could become a REAL hospital.

ROSIE: “Oh, Sammy. You’ve changed everyone’s life.”
STERN: “Except mine. I don’t want to keep harping on it, but I’m still dying.”

With that, Stern Boyer died.

Atoning for his evil ways, Steven told Sammy the truth: He wasn’t Sammy’s real father. He found Sammy on the street as an infant, and brought him up as his own. Sammy grew up imitating Steven’s lisp, which meant that Sammy’s manner of speech was just conditioning and not the terminal speech impediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome. What’s more, Steven’s own lisp was just an act…he revealed his true accent and identity as Pablo Espanol, leader of the Diablo gang. Stunned by this revelation, Sammy pointed out that he still had a brain tumor, so he’d probably better just go ahead and die anyway. Steven and Barney decided to set out for a new life together in prison, leaving Sammy with a photo of his morbidly obese mother. (“Let this sight guide you into Heaven.”) The sight of the photo finally finished Sammy once and for all.

Left alone, Corky, Rosie and Yummy decided to go to the Little Varsity Jr. and raise a Frosted Orange in Sammy’s memory. As they walked out, Corky asked Rosie and Yummy what everybody meant by all this talk about Sammy becoming a man. Yummy offered to show him.

THE END

Season 10, Episode 10: Knowing One's Ass from One's Elbow

2009-03-03T08:40:00.000-08:00

Episode 10: Knowing One’s Ass from One’s Elbow

In the garage, paramedic Rosie Jay (disguised as Nurse Vanessa Goodhead) was nostalgically looking over her old ambulance when she discovered little Sammy Swanson hiding in the back. She offered to let the dying boy drive the ambulance, though he needed to sit on her lap while she worked the pedals. Afterwards, Sammy thanked her for her kindness, but lamented that nobody was working on granting him his dying wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. “Vanessa” offered to get a papier-mâché horse and dress up like Michael Jordan, then they could pretend they’re on the moon. Sammy found this offer incredibly lame.

Dr. Corky Howser introduced the hospital’s newest employee, a 6’3” talking chicken whom he’d brought in to entertain the children.

Former Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was drinking in the bar while baseball great Two-Shoes Blair recounted the story of how Babe Ruth cracked the Liberty Bell. Sturgis then told Two-Shoes that he’d been fired from the hospital. Two-Shoes offered his sympathies, and they danced to James Ingram’s “Just Once.”

Due to the staff shortage, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Cluckles the 6’3” chicken were performing surgery on a patient, with predictably fatal results.

As Sammy lamented that his parents had just dropped him off while they enjoyed the Disneyland vacation from the Make-a-Wish Foundation, “Vanessa” offered to take him in at her apartment. Sammy thanked her, then confided that he thought he’d developed another illness in addition to his terminal speech impediment and brain tumor. He explained that his body had been going through some weird changes, so Rosie presented a montage explaining all about puberty.

Sturgis went to Yummy Wampler to ask for help in getting his job back. When Yummy gloated about his getting what he deserved, Sturgis suggested that she look on the computer and check the “Yummy’s Retirement Fund” folder. He explained that he’d been diverting money from the hospital for all those years to secretly reward her…but if he’s fired from the hospital, she’d never be able to access it. Yummy agreed to get him reinstated.

Cluckles was signing the discharge papers so Sammy could go home with “Vanessa.” Suddenly, Cluckles broke down and cried over the patient he lost. Sammy reassured him: “You’re not a god, you’re just a chicken.”

Two-Shoes Blair burst into Dr. Corky Howser’s office and reminded him about an operation he performed three years ago: Two-Shoes’ mother came in for a liver transplant, and Corky replaced her liver with a kidney instead. Now, he’d come for revenge. In response, Corky reminded Two-Shoes about another operation he’d done one year ago: When Two-Shoes was injured in a game, Corky implanted a secret control chip in his elbow…and now, Corky could control Two-Shoes’ right arm with a telephone.

At “Vanessa’s” apartment, Sammy turned on the TV and stumbled onto a porn channel. When “Vanessa” came in, she immediately shut it off, then explained that there’s no love in those movies like there should be. She told him that she had another surprise for him…then she brought in a horse, a jersey, and a space helmet.

Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Yummy entered and asked him to re-hire Sturgis. When Corky asked what was in it for him, Yummy offered to divert hospital funds to get Corky an endless supply of Chapstick. Corky agreed.

Cluckles was swimming in the exercise pool when Two-Shoes Blair entered. When Two-Shoes recognized Cluckles as the San Diego Chicken, Cluckles explained that he’d decided to take a break and scale back his career into smaller venues. Suddenly, the chip in Two-Shoes’ elbow took control, causing Two-Shoes to grab his own crotch.

Sturgis St. Cloud and “Vanessa” met in the park for a game of horseshoes and a discussion. He revealed that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, and she confronted him about his attempt on her life. He protested that he never intended to kill her, but only make it look as though she was dead for a few days. In the heat of their argument, he confessed that he found her irresistible. He kissed her, she slapped him, and he grabbed her to carry her off. Rosie’s skirt got hiked up in the struggle, just in time for little Sammy to arrive and see her ass.

Two-Shoes Blair, accompanied by Cluckles, went to see Yummy Wampler to plead for some experimental arm-numbing medication. Two-Shoes’ arm went out of control and groped Yummy…so what was Cluckles’ excuse for doing the same?

Sammy rushed into Corky’s office and told him that he’d seen Sturgis abducting “Vanessa” (and had seen her butt in the process), but that Sturgis had called her “Rosie” while he was doing it. Realizing that Rosie was still alive, Corky swore to rescue the woman he loved. Corky declared that, while Sammy had only a few hours to live, Sturgis was going to die even sooner.

Yummy gave Two-Shoes a dose of an experimental medicine to bring his arm under control, then warned him that the drug might be hard on a man his age. Two-Shoes suddenly collapsed, knocking over the table.

Sturgis was holding Rosie hostage on the roof when Corky burst in. Pushing Rosie away, Sturgis reminded Corky that he’d protected Corky from lawsuits and financial ruin for all his time at the hospital…protection that the retarded teenage doctor couldn’t give himself once he’s in charge. Suddenly, Two-Shoes Blair and Sammy Swanson burst in. Grabbing a telephone, Corky took control of Two-Shoes’ arm and forced him to grab Sturgis by the throat. Gasping for breath, Sturgis issued a warning to Corky:

STURGIS: “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown! I’m also…your father! No, that’s not true…I just know how much you love Star Wars.”

At that point, Corky made Two-Shoes drop Sturgis off the roof.

TO BE CONCLUDED…

Season 10, Episode 9: Circus of Horrors

2009-03-02T07:05:00.000-08:00

Episode 9: Circus of Horrors

Rosie Jay (still masquerading as the late Vanessa Goodhead) and Barney Kabob were in the ambulance, driving to pick out engagement rings and discussing their future together. Rosie envisioned raising three kids, and Barney suggested that they get a dog instead. Eventually, they settled on a compromise: one large dog or two small ones for each child they have. Suddenly, an emergency call came over the radio announcing that a circus train had derailed.

The young patient Sammy Swanson, having suffered a relapse of his terminal speech impediment, was sitting in his hospital room when baseball legend Two-Shoes Blair entered. Two-Shoes explained that he’d come to the hospital to brighten up Sammy’s dying days. He presented Sammy with a dog (whom Sammy named Scrapples) and a jock-cup, then explained that Sammy could summon him at any time by rubbing the cup.

Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and Dr. Corky Howser were playing pool in the hospital’s bar, The Rusty Scalpel. Sturgis apologized for overworking Corky, explaining that he was just trying motivate Corky into the best retarded doctor he could be. He offered to be Corky’s father figure, then gave him some papers to sign (or at least mark) making it official. Suddenly, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler rushed in with news of the circus train crash.

Father Bob, who had let his newly-discovered healing powers go to his head and had taken to wearing a white robe, was admitting an injured elephant at the triage station. Attorney Wince Medler entered and offered to get the elephant a huge pain-and-suffering settlement. Father Bob explained that there would be no pain and suffering to repay after he uses his magic dick to heal all the injured people and animals. Medler countered that suing, not healing, is what brings in the money.

While treating an injured monkey, Corky explained to Rosie/“Vanessa” that he’d come to realize that he truly loved Rosie, and since she was dead now, she’d never know how he really felt. “Vanessa” assured him that Rosie was hearing every word he said. Corky said that, as a man of science (or at least a retarded teen of science), he couldn’t believe that. He lamented that he would never know love again.

While operating on an injured clown, Barney Kabob confided to Yummy Wampler that he was nervous about his upcoming wedding. Yummy warned him that wedding jitters could have disastrous consequences…and could even lead to death. Barney frantically asked her what she meant by that, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him.

Sammy Swanson and Two-Shoes Blair ran into Wince Medler, who warned Sammy not to put his faith in “Steroid” Blair. As Two-Shoes professed his innocence, Sturgis came by and handed him his steroid prescription. Disillusioned, Sammy ran off in tears. When Two-Shoes threatened Wince for exposing him, Wince explained that he could offer him a new undetectable steroid that could land him a slot on the National Nationals.

Up on the roof, Sammy was contemplating his lost innocence when Sturgis St. Cloud walked up. Sturgis explained that, since his attempt to save Sammy’s life had failed, he would now help Sammy pack as much living as possible into his last days. In other words: PARTY!!!!

A panicked Yummy ran through the halls, shouting that the circus’ lions and stilt-walkers had escaped. Rosie grabbed a stun-gun from the supply closet and prepared to patrol the hospital. Corky entered, and the startled Rosie immediately stunned him.

Barney Kabob and Father Bob had barricaded themselves in the Little Varsity Jr., trying to hold the lions at bay. Father Bob announced that he would go out and face the lions like the Christians of old, with faith that his holy powers would protect him. Immediately after he left, horrible screams filled the air, and Bob’s robe and collar came flying through the door.

In the pediatric wing, Wince Medler and Two-Shoes Blair comforted the children by singing a song about the subjects they knew best: drugs and hookers.

Sturgis took Sammy on a double-date with a couple of girls they had rescued from the animals. Sturgis tried to hit his date up for some gratitude sex, but they were more interested in watching “The Iron Giant” with Sammy.

As Yummy treated his stun-gun injury, Corky informed her that Sturgis had drawn up some adoption papers for him earlier…and since the leadership of the hospital had been passed down through the St. Cloud family for generations, that meant that he could now wrest control from Sturgis. Yummy was thrilled by this news, until Corky informed her that he’d have her working harder and longer shifts than ever before, since she’d been part of the system that exploited his Down’s Syndrome and only paid him in apple slices and Tortino’s pizza rolls.

Rosie and Barney were patrolling the hospital, stunning animals left and right. Barney told her that the danger had made him realize how much he wanted her in his life, and erased the doubts he was having about marriage.

After a montage of partying, Sammy thanked Sturgis for showing him such a good time in his last days. Sturgis comforted Sammy by comparing death to the ending of “The Iron Giant,” explaining that his soul would explode into a million pieces then draw itself back together.

Afterwards, Sturgis told Corky how good he felt about finally doing something good for a patient. Corky complimented him on developing a bedside manner, than handed him his pink slip. Sturgis agreed to clean out his desk, but warned Corky that he’d regret this.

With Corky gone mad with power, Yummy consulted Wince Medler to see if he could break the contract. Medler agreed to help her if she’d serve as his maid for two weeks.

Sammy was searching for his dog Scrapples when a giant circus crocodile suddenly appeared and ate Scrapples. Terrified, Sammy rubbed the magic jock-cup, and Two-Shoes Blair rushed in to the rescue, killing the crocodile by jamming a baseball down its throat after an intense battle. Sammy thanked Two-Shoes for restoring his faith in him, and Two-Shoes promised to hit two home runs in his next game…one for Sammy, and one for Scrapples.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 10, Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety

2009-03-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

Episode 8: I Fear for My Safety

Having killed Nurse Vanessa Goodhead (who’d been disguised as Rosie Jay) with an injection of Haitian zombie-serum, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference to assure the public that “Rosie” was doing fine. Sturgis also promised that he himself would save the terminally ill child who had just arrived at the hospital.

Meanwhile, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was admitting that patient, little Sammy Swanson. Sammy explained that he was suffering from the terminal speech imediment Steve Scarborough Syndrome (“the first symptom is that you can’t say it”).

In the bar, Father Bob Houdini was drinking himself into a stupor with grief over the deaths of Johnnie Cochran and Mitch Hedberg…oh yeah, and the impending death of the Pope. (Note: This episode was improvised before the Pope’s passing…not that that’s going to save us from going to Hell.)

Rosie Jay, disguised as Vanessa, stood beside the flatlining body of the real Vanessa. She thanked Vanessa for her sacrifice and for the opportunity to start a new life with Vanessa’s identity. The body began moving, and Rosie/Vanessa struggled to keep it down.

Sammy Swanson explained to Yummy that his parents had used his Make-a-Wish Foundation wish to take a Disneyland vacation for themselves, so he asked if she could grant his wish to ride a horse with Michael Jordan on the moon. The outlandishness of this request caused the overworked and overstressed Yummy to snap, and she lashed out with savage fury.

In the Little Varsity Jr., Barney Kabob was trying to get Father Bob to eat. Father Bob lamented that John Paul II was the greatest Pope ever…in fact, he had superhuman powers. Barney said that it didn’t concern him, since he wasn’t Catholic. Bob pointed out that Barney had converted to Catholicism in prison, as revealed in the previous episode in a scene that was cut from the synopsis for space reasons.

“Vanessa” loaded “Rosie’s” body into the ambulance when Sturgis came in to sneak a joint. “Vanessa” informed him that she knew all about his cover-up of “Rosie’s” death, and had informed the press all about it. Sturgis smugly asked what proof she had, and she pointed to the body in the back.

Corky was still waiting for guidance in the chapel when Sammy Swanson ran in, fearing for his safety from Yummy’s rampage. Corky did a quick examination of Sammy, and assured him that he wouldn’t have to worry about his terminal speech impediment…the previously-undiagnosed brain tumor would kill him before then.

Meanwhile, Yummy was self-medicating in the supply closet. After she passed out, the drunken Father Bob staggered in and noticed her sprawled across the table. (“Well, Merry Christmas to me!”)

Rosie/“Vanessa” was in the real Vanessa’s apartment (with the body hidden under the couch) when Barney arrived. After sharing a drink, Barney informed her that he knew she was really Rosie Jay, then kissed her passionately. They decided to go off and start a new life together, then broke into a song and dance.

In the examination room, Sturgis St. Cloud made Sammy take off his shorts, then examined his throat. Sturgis informed Sammy that, despite all his failings as a doctor, the one thing he IS good at is treating speech impediments. Sturgis proclaimed that he could save Sammy with a uvula transplant…all he needs is to find a donor body.

The post-coital Rosie and Barney were basking in the rain on the rooftop and planning their future together. Barney confessed that he was having second thoughts, since he’d just started a new life as a doctor, and was hesitant to give that up to start yet another new life. When she replied that she couldn’t accept him if he wasn’t willing to make the same sacrifices she was, he got down on one knee, took off his shades for the first time, and asked her to marry him. She accepted.

Yummy Wampler regained consciousness just as Father Bob returned. Yummy was amazed to realize that she felt better than she had in years…all of her old ailments had cleared up. Father Bob realized that his penis had miraculous healing powers, and envisioned himself being declared a saint and having his penis preserved as a holy relic after his death.

Having followed the scent of “Rosie’s” body, Sturgis picked the lock to Vanessa’s apartment, followed by Sammy. After finding the body, Sturgis performed the uvula transplant right there with samurai-like skill. After the operation, Sammy spoke clearly (albeit with a high-pitched voice).

Corky was at the triage station when Yummy came in with a new spring in her step. Seeing a possible cure for Sammy’s brain tumor, Corky asked how she’d managed to clear up all her ailments. She cheerfully replied that Father Bob raped her.

In the chapel, Father Bob thanked God for the blessing of his miraculous powers. Corky arrived and asked Father Bob to cure Sammy with his “magic ding-dong.”

In the nurses’ lounge, Yummy was telling “Vanessa” how the day had been going (“We’ve had three deaths, two births, and then two more deaths”). “Vanessa” informed her about Barney’s proposal, and asked her to be her maid of honor. Just then, Father Bob entered, zipping up his pants and announcing that he’d revived those two women who died in childbirth.

As Sammy demonstrated his new voice to Corky, Corky examined him and remarked that somebody had replaced his uvula with a vulva. Corky then asked him if he was willing to endure something that would hurt in the short term, but would turn out for the good. Sammy didn’t understand, but agreed. Corky gave Sammy a drink, and Sammy immediately passed out. Corky left Sammy alone with Father Bob to work his magic, but Bob drunkenly passed out before he could do so. Sturgis St. Cloud entered to sneak a joint.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 10, Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode

2009-02-28T07:04:00.000-08:00

Episode 7: The Uncomfortably Topical Episode

Paramedic Rosie Jay lay in a coma, while Dr. Corky Howser and Nurse Vanessa Goodhead discussed her condition. Corky blamed Vanessa for this turn of events, arguing that it was Rosie’s argument with Vanessa that led her to huffing glue. Corky accused Vanessa of being as selfish and uncaring as Gargamel. After pointing out that Gargamel did have feelings for his cat, Vanessa pleaded with Corky to find a cure for comas.

In jail for assaulting hospital CEO Stern Boyer, Nurse Barney Kabob met his court-appointed lawyer, Wince Medler. Medler promised to get Barney off, in exchange for some information. After some vague, non-specific hints, Barney figured out that Medler wanted Barney to funnel all the hospital’s Medicare and Medicaid funds into a secret offshore account. Barney agreed, and arranged to make the exchange in a dark alley by the dumpster behind the hospital.

Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud held a press conference regarding Rosie’s condition, informing the press that he planned to prevent such glue-sniffing tragedies by asking Congress to outlaw all adhesives.

Head Nurse Yummy Wampler and Father Bob Houdini were attending to Rosie and discussing her chances. Father Bob observed that, if she died on Good Friday, it would be sort of like having a birthday on Christmas, only the opposite. As Yummy forced some Cheetos through Rosie’s feeding tube, Rosie gradually came to.

Visiting Barney in his cell, Vanessa tried to explain that she now had a relationship with Stern Boyer, but eventually she gave into her emotions and kissed him passionately. Barney asked her to prove her love by killing Rosie Jay.

Sturgis was preparing for another press conference when Father Bob came in with the wonderful news of Rosie’s recovery. Sturgis angrily complained that Rosie’s coma was bringing much-needed attention and funds to the hospital, and that he’d wanted her to stay under for as long as he could exploit it. Father Bob suggested that they could maintain the publicity by putting her back into a coma and then “miraculously” bringing her out on Easter Sunday. Sturgis thought it would be an even better miracle if they actually killed her and brought her back.

During a Cheetos Therapy session with Yummy, the now-conscious Rosie Jay declared that she had no memory of her past or identity. Taking advantage of Rosie’s amnesia, Yummy introduced herself as the CEO of the hospital…and Rosie’s mother. She assured Rosie that, once she was up and around again, she’d be back to her usual routine of helping Yummy out at the hospital and covering shifts for her. She pulled Rosie up out of her wheelchair and began teaching her how to walk again, just like when she was a baby.

Released from jail, Barney met Wince Medler in the dark alley behind the hospital and presented him with the Medicare/Medicaid information. In exchange, Barney asked Wince to not only expunge his criminal record, but to erase ALL his records and give him an entirely new identity (only keeping the same name)…as a doctor.

Corky was about to his new coma cure on a different patient when Sturgis St. Cloud entered. Corky explained that his new formula, made from stem cells, nanotechnology, and apple juice, was sure to bring Rosie out of her coma. Sturgis asked to see Corky’s formula, then secretly switched syringes. The patient immediately flatlined when Corky gave him the injection.

Sturgis St. Cloud was waving out his window to the paparazzi when Wince Medler entered. Sturgis held a grudge against Wince due to his poor handling of Sturgis’ last divorce case, but agreed to listen to Wince’s latest proposal. Wince wanted a percentage of the hospital, in exchange for which he would build up its property value and then sell it for a huge profit, just like he did for Park Properties.

Vanessa Goodhead warned Rosie that Sturgis was planning to kill her. To save Rosie, Vanessa was willing to sacrifice herself by switching uniforms and making herself the target.

In the dark alley, Wince Medler informed Barney that he had expunged Barney’s criminal record and made him a doctor specializing in osteoporosis. Barney menacingly informed Wince that he no longer had any need of his services. However, Wince warned him that he’d anticipated a double-cross, so he had kept a record of Barney’s record. If anything happens to Wince, it gets released to the media.

Father Bob and Yummy Wampler had just forced their way through the paparazzi with a critically wounded patient for Corky, when Rosie entered, wearing Vanessa’s nurse uniform and imitating Vanessa’s seductive style. Inspired by her combination of dedication and sluttiness, Corky told “Vanessa” that he’d always loved her and not Rosie. Father Bob and Yummy joined in the insulting of Rosie, until “Vanessa” could no longer contain her outrage. She asked how Yummy could say such things about her own daughter. Confused, Bob and Corky pointed out that Yummy didn’t have any children.

Vanessa, dressed in Rosie’s EMT uniform, was waiting in the hospital room when Sturgis entered ominously. Sturgis noticed that “Rosie” was somehow sexier than before, but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Sturgis asked Rosie if she’d ever seen “The Serpent and the Rainbow,” then pulled out a syringe of Haitian zombie-making fluid. When “Rosie” pointed out that she could never love him if he made her a zombie, Sturgis declared that he was just kinky enough to put that to the test.

At the triage station, “Vanessa” asked Yummy why she’d lied about being Rosie’s mother. Yummy explained that she was just so overworked, she thought she could get Rosie to cover some shifts out of family loyalty. “Vanessa” pointed out that if she needed some time off, all she had to do was take it. Just as Yummy agreed to go out to a movie and relax, she suddenly had a heart attack.

Barney came into the lounge, searching for answers to his problem. Corky suggested that Barney look to “The Smurfs” for inspiration, just as Retard Smurf told Hefty Smurf how he could get back at Lawyer Smurf. When Barney thanked Corky for helping him, Corky professed ignorance. Barney observed that Corky knew a lot more than he let on, and used his Down’s Syndrome to cover up his shrewdness. Realizing that Barney was onto him, Corky called in Wince Medler and accused Barney of sexual assault.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 10, Episode 6: Nip/Huff

2009-02-27T03:32:00.000-08:00

Episode 6: Nip/Huff

Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud and hospital CEO Stern Boyer were discussing what to do with the profits from their illegal sales of the new wonder drug Cialaviaglevitra. After contemplating installing a chocolate river maintained by orange midgets, they decided to attract a more upscale clientele by refocusing the hospital’s resources on cosmetic surgery.

Rosie Jay was giving Vanessa a ride to her pedicure appointment. Vanessa complained that her feet were killing her because somebody had stolen her work shoes, forcing her to walk in high heels all day. When Rosie suggested that Corky might be the culprit, Vanessa became indignant that he’d do that after she let him touch her boobs. After hearing this, Rosie threw Vanessa out of the ambulance in a bad part of town.

Corky was watching “Dragon Tales” on a portable TV at the triage station when his old tormentor from school, Ray Ray McGurk, arrived.

On the loading dock, Head Nurse Yummy Wampler, Nurse Barney Kabob, and Father Bob Houdini were bringing in 2x4s for the construction of the new plastic surgery wing. As they complained about Sturgis’ new plans, they began wondering why they were helping to build the new wing instead of confronting him about it. Unfortunately, before they could resolve to take action, they got bogged down in the “if a tree falls in the forest” debate.

Nurse Vanessa Goodhead was walking through a bad part of town (in high heels) when a drunken Stern Boyer arrived. When he offered to help, she angrily reminded him of how he stood her up at the prom all those years ago, then slapped his face. The homeless people were thrilled to see violence against the rich.

On a high window-washer’s platform, Sturgis was overseeing the construction of the Joan Rivers Memorial Plastic Surgery Ward when Barney and Yummy confronted him. Yummy pointed out that, while he’s spending money on this new wing, there’s no oxygen in the nursery and babies are exploding. Shocked, Sturgis protested that he only wanted to increase profits so that the hospital could help more people, and didn’t realize what his policies were doing to the babies.

Corky and Ray Ray were catching up on old times in the Little Varsity Jr. Ray Ray explained that he was now with an insurance firm, and had come to help make the hospital safe. Rosie entered and confronted Corky about his touching Vanessa’s breasts. Distraught, Rosie cried out that she needed somebody to take her away from this madhouse. Ray Ray took her up on the offer.

Father Bob took confession from an audience member, then demanded that she get on her knees and repent.

As Rosie Jay poured out her heart at Ray Ray’s place, Ray Ray introduced her to the joys of sniffing glue. As she began huffing, her psychic powers kicked in and she had a vision of Yummy and Barney tying up Sturgis to force him to listen to reason. She was torn between her need to save the hospital and her drug-induced indifference.

Father Bob asked Sturgis to make some renovations to the chapel while they’re doing the construction, then suggested that the chocolate river could include a boat ride that climaxes with a film of a chicken getting its head chopped off. Changing the subject, Sturgis confided that he’d recently discovered his own conscience, and was disturbed to learn that his policies had led to exploding babies. (“You’re talking about the Maternity Vacuum?”) Sturgis explained that he thought that babies still breathed amniotic fluid and that oxygen was therefore an unnecessary expense. He asked Father Bob how he could become less selfish.

Vanessa and Stern were on the rooftop, watching the sunset. Stern apologized for his drunken insensitivity. (“You’re so good looking, sometimes I forget to have feelings for you.”) Vanessa began to leave, explaining that she had patients to take care of. Stern protested that he had a dying patient in his pants who needs her.

As Yummy was putting in drywall, Corky waxed enthusiastic about the new wing, declaring that the hospital would now be able to take care of that busload of poor kids that got burned in an accident. Yummy tried to explain to him that the new ward was being set aside for rich, vain people and not for those who really need it. Suddenly, Sturgis rushed in and announced that he’d had a change of heart. Not only was he opening the new ward to those poor kids, but he’d throw in breast implants for all of them.

Unaware of Sturgis’ new plans, Barney was preparing for revolution at the triage station. Suddenly, Rosie staggered in, hopped-up on glue fumes. As she began going into withdrawal, Barney demanded to know who had done this to her. She replied that she’d done it to herself, then fainted face-first into his lap. Gently stroking her hair (which fell off due to her glue abuse), Barney launched into a tender, rambling pastoral metaphor of his concern for her.

Stern Boyer was drowning his sorrows in the bar, complaining to Ray Ray about his troubles with Vanessa. (“Women are like cats, they scratch…and press charges.”) Suddenly, Barney came in and angrily threw the huffing-bag down on the floor to confront Ray Ray. Filled with drunken macho posturing, both Ray Ray and Stern scoffed at Barney’s accusation. Barney asked “If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody’s there, does anybody hear it?” Then he punched Stern in the face.

In the new burn ward, Corky was entertaining the kids by telling them about his favorite episodes of “Dragon Tales.” Vanessa entered and told him she would have to stop letting him touch her boobs, because their actions were hurting others that they care about. Corky protested that he loved her, and that he wanted to build a hut with her like the dragons…but now she’d burned down that hut. The kids started crying at the mention of “burning.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 10, Episode 5: Think Long and Hard

2009-02-26T08:26:00.000-08:00

Episode 5: Think Long and Hard

Having returned from a pharmaceutical convention, Chief Surgeon Sturgis St. Cloud was discussing the plans for the hospital’s 100th anniversary celebration with Head Nurse Yummy Wampler. When Yummy complained that their budget problems would keep them from doing anything worthy of the momentous occasion, Sturgis mentioned a possible solution: at the convention, he’d learned about a new drug, Cialaviaglevitra, which not only cured erectile dysfunction, but enlarged the penis and tasted like cherry soda. However, since it hadn’t been approved by the FDA yet, it would be illegal for them to profit from it.

In the ambulance, Paramedic Rosie Jay was transporting Patience Dorgan-Honer, a woman who had attempted to extract her own kidney. When Rosie noted that Patience was remarkably conscious for such an ordeal, Patience replied that she was so used to donating her organs that it didn’t affect her anymore. She went on to explain that she made her living by receiving transplants and then later donating the organs at a profit. Suddenly, Rosie was struck by a psychic premonition: she saw Sturgis St. Cloud talking baseball with accountant Stern Boyer. Rosie knew that this seemingly innocent vision masked a darker meaning.

While preparing for the centennial celebration, Dr. Corky Howser told Nurse Barney Kabob how much he admired Barney’s cool, tough image. He asked if Barney would help him be cool by giving him a prison tattoo. Barney agreed, and offered to make Corky his prison buddy.

Todd Baio was decorating a centennial cake at the triage station when Stern Boyer arrived and clumsily knocked everything over. Stern explained that he was a big fan of Todd’s acting work (especially “Ski Patrol Jesters”), and had arranged Todd’s pseudo-internship at the hospital to further his career. Now, Stern demanded payment.

As Yummy and Corky were blowing up balloons, Yummy began rambling on with numerous plans for the centennial and her own personal life. When Corky asked about her sudden hyperactivity, she explained that Sturgis had given her a sample of the new drug. Corky began to lecture her on their sacred oath as medical personnel, but got distracted by a balloon.

Stern Boyer entered Sturgis St. Cloud’s office to discuss the hospital’s financial troubles. Sturgis replied that he’d found the answer, and gave Stern a sample of Cialaviaglevitra. Exclaiming that the effect was like “a volcano in my pants,” Stern found himself unable to focus on anything else.

In the examination room, Patience Dorgan-Honer presented Todd Baio with a cooler full of organs that she’d brought in, then demanded payment. She explained that she was basically a go-between for black-market organs, and Todd pondered the ethics of her business.

Rosie Jay tried to warn Barney about her premonition, explaining that the baseball conversation was really an omen of death. However, Barney couldn’t concentrate because of the sexual tension between them. They worried that things would get weird between them if they did it, and they started to argue. Then they kissed passionately.

Seventeen minutes later, the post-coital Rosie informed Barney that there could never be anything more than a physical relationship between them, because she was in love with somebody else. Barney was okay with that, until she told him that the person she loved was Corky. Then it got weird.

Sturgis St. Cloud made an illicit drug deal in the chapel, instructing the buyer to make future purchases by stopping by the confessional booth and giving the password “I’ve had impure thoughts about an impure donkey.”

The hopped-up Yummy Wampler was working in the Little Varsity Jr. when Stern Boyer entered, covering his crotch and moaning in desperation. Suddenly, Stern went into penile arrest.

After operating on her, Dr. Corky Howser was enthusiastically telling Patience Dorgan-Honer about his new best friend Barney. He showed her his new “prison tattoo” of himself and Barney, and listed all the cool things they did together…including Barney putting his ding-dong in Corky’s secret place. Shocked, Patience tried to tell Corky that wasn’t the act of a best friend, but of “a takin’-advantage-of sonofabitch.” Just then, Yummy rushed in and told Corky that Stern needed emergency care for his erection. Corky immediately covered his ass.

At the centennial celebration, Barney Kabob sat in the dunking booth, taunting the customers. Todd walked by, dejected by a heckler’s comment about his mime routine. Barney stepped out of the booth and offered Todd some encouragement. Touched by Barney’s understanding, Todd said that if he ever had children, he’d want Barney to be their godfather and take care of them. He then presented Barney with a hand-made award for childcare. Barney stepped onto the platform and began an acceptance speech…and was immediately dunked.

For her act, Rosie entertained the crowd with some ambulance stunt-driving in the parking lot, while Sturgis waved out the window. Rosie told Sturgis that she knew he was responsible for Yummy’s recent manic behavior, and warned him to lay off. In response, Sturgis distracted Rosie and planted some drugs in her ambulance.

Corky prepared to operate on Stern Boyer, assisted by Yummy and Patience; however, he found the sight of Stern’s bulging “ding-dong” too traumatic to proceed. Desperate and furious, Stern began threatening them until Corky knocked him out with his “retard-grip.” Patience mentioned to Corky that Sturgis St. Cloud had promised to marry her if she kept giving the hospital her business. Aghast, Yummy confessed that Sturgis had proposed to her as well.

Barney was cleaning up the parking lot after the festivities when Corky came by. Upset by Rosie’s feelings for Corky, Barney first snapped angrily at him, then began sobbing and told Corky to treat her nice. Corky had no idea what Barney was talking about.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Season 10, Episode 4: Enter the Lithuanian

2009-02-25T07:21:00.000-08:00

Episode 4: Enter the Lithuanian

To research his next role, Todd Baio was assisting Dr. Corky Howser in surgery. Corky questioned Todd about his acting career, and was thrilled to hear that Todd had worked on Corky’s favorite show “Dragon Tales.” However, when Todd explained that the show wasn’t real, just the product of writers and animators, Corky became disillusioned and stepped away from the patient. When Todd finally persuaded Corky to resume the surgery, Corky discovered that the patient’s appendix was already missing.

In the dispensary, Father Bob Houdini was looking for some Valium (“The Bible doesn’t say anything about prescription drugs!”) when Nurse Barney Kabob entered in his wheelchair. Barney told Father Bob that his misfortune had turned him against Jesus, then started messing with Bob’s mind until the chaplain didn’t know what to believe.

The great actress Svetlana Gorkytrotsky had come to the hospital all the way from Lithuania for a colon transplant. Nurse Vanessa Goodhead informed her that the colon was ready, then demanded up-front payment for the illicit operation. Svetlana threatened Vanessa and began ranting about Americans in general.

Head Nurse Yummy Wampler was driving the ambulance while paramedic Rosie Jay took a rest in the passenger seat. Exhausted, Yummy passed the steering wheel over to Rosie, then passed out and flatlined (but only for a moment).

Todd Baio was in the hospital gift shop, considering a gift of Post-It Notes for his mother’s birthday. Vanessa entered, and they began reminiscing about the time they played “love-me-love-me-not” with a Post-It pad. They began arguing about their relationship and Todd’s responsibility for Barney’s paralysis. Suddenly, Vanessa noticed that the shop’s cash register was missing.

Corky was tearfully watching “Dragon Tales” in the nurses’ lounge when Barney wheeled in. Corky explained that he was sad because the dragons lied to him. Barney asked him what happens to a dragon that lies, and Corky replied that a big old Sasquatch beats them up. Barney explained that Todd Baio was the lying dragon who had put him in a wheelchair, and he needed Corky to be the Sasquatch that punishes him.

Yummy Wampler came to Svetlana’s room to check her vitals. As Yummy went about her business, Svetlana practiced her American accent by mimicking Yummy mercilessly. Suddenly, Yummy noticed that the vital-signs machine was missing. She wondered whether Todd might have taken it, since actors are essentially untrustworthy. This led Svetlana into a impassioned defense of the actor’s art, which ended with Svetlana embodying a tree.

Rosie was going over some paperwork at the triage station when Father Bob came by. She told him that she was thinking of quitting her job, because she was sick of all the carnage and death she encountered. The talk of carnage and death reminded Father Bob about Rosie’s own decapitated baby, and Rosie explained that Corky was working on reviving her. Father Bob consulted his Bible on the subject.

Wandering through the halls, Svetlana ran into Todd Baio, who was awestruck to see his acting idol. Svetlana commanded Todd to demonstrate his skills by being a dog. Svetlana was deeply disappointed by Todd’s performance.

In the nurses’ lounge, Corky noticed that the TV set was missing. Yummy entered, and Corky shared his concerns about the recent series of thefts…and on top of that, he’d run out of Chapstick. Yummy promised to investigate, and gave him her lipstick in the meantime.

Svetlana Gorkytrotsky was giving Todd some acting lessons in the chapel, instructing him to embody the number 465. To pay for his acting lessons, Todd had gathered some things he knew Svetlana needed: A colon and appendix, plus a vital-signs machine to monitor the operation, and a TV set to keep her occupied.

Rosie Jay was at the bar, drowning her sorrows and singing “Heartbreaker.” Barney wheeled in, and they spent some time commiserating and bickering. He told her about his plan to get revenge on Todd, and asked for her help.

Vanessa was at the triage station when Father Bob brought in a patient. After drawing a blood sample, Vanessa took his blood pressure by applying a sphygmomanometer to his crotch. She then gave him her phone number as a “prescription.”

Rosie was still drowning her sorrows at the bar when Corky entered with some good news: He had managed to gather enough stem cells to save her baby. Just then, Rosie’s baby entered…a disembodied head on a robotic platform. (“She’s even more beautiful than I remembered!”) Corky explained that this was only a temporary measure, until they could get a donor body.

Getting completely into character as a surgeon, Todd Baio was preparing to perform a colon transplant on Svetlana Gorkystrotsky, with Yummy Wampler assisting. Todd put Svetlana under by hitting her with a ladle (“One of these days, we’ll get in some anesthesiologists”), then began the operation by inserting the colon in Svetlana’s mouth while Yummy pulled it through the other end.

Barney rolled into the confessional and began railing against God (“Where are Your footprints now?”). When Father Bob responded, Barney mistook him for the voice of God, and Bob played along. Eventually, Barney admitted his own hatred and jealousy, and strained to reach up to God…and as he reached up, he rose to his feet.

In the nurses’ lounge, Corky began flirting with Vanessa, and she warned him not to break any of the rules of appropriate behavior they’d agreed on. Corky touched her breast, pointing out that the rules didn’t cover that.

TO BE CONTINUED…