Friday, March 27, 2009

Season 12, Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

And now, the final episode of Season 12...and since I started off this archive with Season 13, we are now all caught up with the past SCANDAL! summaries. Season 14 begins in May, so I'll return with the new synopses then. See you at Dad's Garage!

Episode 14: Full House/Two Pair

In the great room, Bixie Biederback was preparing to announce which of the contestants had won Iceland, when producer Vivian LaDouche burst in with an announcement. The network had been bought by Spike TV, and to conform to Spike standards, they would need to have 42 nut-kicks, 20 sexual encounters, and 10 fires before the end of the show…so get cracking. This would have to be the most outrageous episode ever, or they were all finished. Poncey Highland responded by kicking Vivian in the crotch. (“41 more!”)

Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at Hello Pizza Kitty, discussing Vivian’s new demands. Lance assured Miller that he didn’t have anything to worry about…all Miller had to do is get high, and outrageous stuff is bound to happen.

Dorothy was doing some spring cleaning in her trash can when Poncey came by. She explained that she wasn’t worried about satisfying Vivian and winning the prize, since she could get along just fine without Iceland. Poncey pointed out that Iceland has magical powers, but she responded that she had powers of her own, and demonstrated by wishing her umbrella to come to her. Poncey asked if she could grant his wish of getting his pet-grooming salon back, and she told him that the power was within himself.

In her office, Bixie was arguing with Vivian about his interference with the show, but Vivian was too busy talking with the Spike executives on his cell phone. After finishing the call, Vivian let her in on his big secret: He never intended to give away Iceland at all; instead, he planned a REAL big finish. When all the contestants are gathered in the sauna for the “announcement,” they’ll be gassed to death…a sure-fire ratings-grabber. When Bixie objected, he knocked her out and stole her glasses.

Miller and Dorothy were up on the roof, discussing their plans for the future. Miller figured that, once the show was over, he could go back to medical school, perhaps in Iceland…and he’d be happy to let her live in the dumpster behind his dorm. Touched by his offer, Dorothy offered him a can of chicken in gravy.

Wandering blindly through the halls, Bixie ran into Poncey. She told him about Vivian’s plans to kill everybody, and he angrily blamed her for leading them to this situation. After calming down, Poncey agreed to guide Bixie to her office. As she walked off in the direction Poncey had pointed her, ominous music played…

Vivian and Lance were in the editing room, going over the footage of Poncey kicking Vivian in the nuts. Just then, they got a phone call from Bob Saget, offering to do funny voice-overs for the nut-kick scene. (“Hang up, he’s tracing the call!”) Vivian then informed Lance that he was planning an ice-cream party in the sauna; he asked Lance to bring the ice-cream…and some 30-weight iron chains to wrap around the doors.

Miller went to Poncey’s room to forge an alliance, and discovered Bixie trapped underneath Poncey’s bed. Poncey told Miller that he’d learned something very important about Bixie. Trying to guess what the secret could be, Miller asked “Bixie, do you have a penis?” She answered “Yes”…she’d been a man all along, but nobody had ever bothered to ask.

Dorothy was in the kitchen when Lance entered. Dorothy confronted him for breaking her heart…she appreciated that he killed his wife for her, but was upset that he hadn’t given her a ring. He told her that he wanted to her to settle down with his family in Iceland, but he needed money to make that happen. She revealed that she had plenty of money saved up, but she never mentioned it because she didn’t want him to love her for her millions. With his financial future secured, Lance proposed…and she accepted.

Vivian LaDouche was up on the roof, talking on the phone with the other network executives about his plans for the finale. Just then, he got another call, which turned out to be…Bob Saget. (“You can’t escape me, LaDouche. Saget knows everything!”) Vivian hung up and returned to his bosses, only to be interrupted by yet another call. (“Saget, you’re fucking dead! Oh, sorry, Mom.”)

In the confession booth, Poncey told Lance that he was having strange feelings now that he’d learned something surprising about Bixie. Before Poncey could explain that Bixie was really a man, the confused Lance attempted to clarify how Poncey should feel by comparing Poncey and Bixie to bears. When that metaphor failed, Lance suggested using monkeys instead.

Dorothy ran into Bixie and gave her the good news about her engagement, explaining that she and Lance were going to be wed in the sauna room. Bixie warned her to stay away from the sauna, explaining all about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody. Bixie offered to stay behind and sacrifice herself to give Dorothy and Lance a chance to escape (“I’ve got nothing to live for anyway”). Dorothy announced that nobody was going to die today. (“I fought in the Korean War, motherfucker!”) Nevertheless, just in case they never saw each other again, Bixie had a farewell gift for Dorothy. With that, Bixie reached into her blouse and pulled out one of her fake boobs. (Dorothy: “Well, I certainly need these!”)

Miller went to Vivian’s office and offered to forge an alliance with him. Vivian agreed (“I’m sure the alliance of an idiotic dopehead will make all the difference”), then instructed Miller how to fulfill his end of the alliance. When everyone is gathered in the sauna, Vivian will announce that Miller is the winner, which will be Miller’s cue to let Vivian out, then bar the door so the other contestants will be a captive audience for Miller’s gloating. They toasted their partnership, with Miller drinking his bongwater.

Bixie ran down to the basement and informed Lance that she’d chartered a bus for him to escape with Dorothy. Lance replied that he would have to check with Dorothy before changing their wedding plans, but Bixie told him to make a decision for himself. She then reached into her blouse and pulled out her other boob.

BIXIE: “Let it give you strength.”
LANCE: “I’ll give it to Dorothy, she really needs it!”

Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy suddenly surfaced, showing off her new breasts. She asked Poncey to plan her wedding, and he replied that he’d do better than that…he’s actually an ordained minister, and would perform the wedding for her. Poncey told her how happy he was for her, though he confessed being sad that he didn’t have anyone for himself. Dorothy replied that God had brought them all together in the same house for a reason…then they broke into a chorus of “Somewhere Out There.”

In his bedroom, Miller was attempting to forge an alliance with himself, but soon found that his stoner misunderstandings made it impossible for anybody to talk to Miller (even Miller himself).

Poncey ran into Bixie’s office, only to find Vivian LaDouche. Vivian was surprised to see a gay man carrying a Bible (“Shouldn’t that be burning you like acid?”). Brushing aside the homophobic comment, Poncey declared that he needed to tell Bixie that he loves him. Vivian was startled to hear Poncey refer to Bixie as “him,” especially since Vivian had slept with Bixie. Just then, the phone rang…it was Bob Saget, telling Vivian that he was watching them right now.

Dorothy and Lance were in the chapel, preparing their vows. He promised to be a good husband, saying that he knew she would love his kids. Dorothy sensed that Lance knew about some kind of danger; remembering Bixie’s escape plan, Lance insisted that they leave right now. Dorothy still had her heart set on getting married in the sauna, but said she might reconsider if Lance gave her a kiss. After some hesitation, Lance gave her a quick little kiss. (“Well, that was very unfulfilling for the audience.”)

Preparing for his trip to Iceland, Miller was packing his bong when Bixie ran in. Bixie attempted to warn him about Vivian’s plan to kill everybody, but Miller kept interrupting with amazed comments about Bixie being a man. Fed up, Bixie told him to go ahead and go to the sauna.

Vivian LaDouche was outside in the hedge maze, trying to escape the surveillance of Bob Saget. Vivian boasted to Saget that he would pull off the biggest stunt ever, and then Saget would see who was the king of reality TV. In response, Bob Saget put Dave Coulier on the line.

By the pool, Poncey and Bixie were discussing the upcoming wedding. Bixie suggested that they accept their true feelings for one another, and make it a double wedding.

BIXIE: “Why did it take us so long? Did it really matter what my gender is?”
PONCEY: “Yes.”

Soon afterwards, everybody was gathered in the sauna for the ceremony. Vivian announced that the winner of Iceland was…everybody! Bixie warned them that he was lying, but Vivian asked if they were going to believe a person who’d lied to everybody about his gender. Poncey went ahead with the ceremony, pronouncing Lance and Dorothy man and wife. After Lance and Dorothy kissed, Poncey married himself to Bixie. As everybody was rejoicing, Miller let Vivian out and then chained the doors shut. Realizing that Vivian’s plan was actually happening, everybody started panicking. Dorothy restored order by announcing that she hadn’t been totally honest with everyone. Dorothy then removed her wig, revealing herself as…Bob Saget!

Saget explained that he had warned Dorothy about Vivian’s plan, and had switched places with her before the ceremony. The real Dorothy was safe outside the house. As the poison gas began to come through the vents, Saget instructed everyone to use their unique talents to save the day. Saget destroyed the lock by making fart noises; Poncey and Miller used their expertise in sucking on things to siphon off the gas; Lance filmed the operation; and Bixie used his power of telephoning the police. Once they were saved, they climbed up on the roof to face Vivian LaDouche. Vivian warned them that he still had one vial of poison gas left and would kill them all. Poncey threw his Bible at Vivian, knocking the vial into Vivian’s mouth and causing him to swallow it. With Vivian dead and everybody else safe, the housemates hailed Bob Saget as a hero. Saget told them that Dorothy would be rejoining them shortly, but he was needed elsewhere. (“Wherever there’s trouble, Bob Saget will be there.”) With that, Bob Saget flew off into the sky.


Thursday, March 26, 2009

Season 12, Episode 13: The Lost Episode

Unfortunately, this was the one week in all of my SCANDAL!-transcribing history that I was unable to make it to the theatre to see the I have no idea what happened, either.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Season 12, Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?

Episode 12: What the Hell Just Happened?

Producer Vivan LaDouche met with hostess/director Bixie Biederback in her office (with Dorothy also in attendance), explaining his newest ratings-boosting scheme. He’s going to institute a vote to get people thrown off the show…and everyone, even Bixie, is at risk. Dorothy responded by holding up an unflattering drawing of Vivian she’d done while he was talking.

In the confession booth, we saw Eric von Landingham, strangely recovered from his brain damage. He revealed the reason for this discrepancy: His name is not actually Eric von Landingham…but Brian Biederback, an aspiring actor. His mother Bixie got him a spot on the show, and all of his ever-changing personas (nerdy photo clerk, angry rocker, Vaderesque evil overlord, brain-damage casualty) were simply acting choices. Cameraman Lance Belligui was outraged by Brian’s fakery, protesting that this was supposed to be a reality show. Brian, believing that the rest of the show was just as phony as he was, complimented Lance on his angry “performance.”

Miller, having changed from the Hulk back to his old self, was relaxing in the garden when he encountered a strange, shaggy figure covered in leaves and branches. After a moment, Miller finally recognized the wild man as…Rory Manchester! Miller offered the caveman Rory a joint, and the pot miraculously brought Rory back to lucidity. Rory explained that he had made a long, difficult journey back from the Dagoba System (which turned out to be near Tucker, Georgia).

Mortally injured after being raped by the Miller-Hulk, Jack Hanna made a last-ditch effort to summon his animal friends. The animals gathered around him and transferred their power to Jack, reviving him like Halle Berry in Catwoman. (“Come on, who saw Catwoman?”)

Lance burst into Bixie’s office to confront her about planting her son on the show. Brian, surprised to learn that Lance really wasn’t an actor, was nevertheless impressed by his anger and energy. Brian and Bixie told Lance that he had the potential to be a young Marlon Brando, and offered to help him with an acting exercise. They called in Dorothy to improvise a love scene; as the scene progressed, Dorothy and Lance stopped acting and genuinely declared their love for one another. They threw Bixie and Brian out so they could have a private moment, then Lance confessed that he killed his wife so that they could be together. Dorothy replied that that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her.

Vivian went to Miller’s room to discuss the ratings, comparing the ratings cycle to crack addiction: It always takes more and more to get that high again, and soon you’re giving blowjobs to get your next fix. Miller realized that Vivian was baring his soul by confessing what his ratings obsession had driven him to. Vivian, touched by Miller’s insight, took him as a confidante. Vivian confessed that his new ratings scheme isn’t just to vote someone off the show…it’s to vote them off, take them out back and shoot them.

Rory was wandering through the woods when he ran into Jack Hanna, who couldn’t figure out why he was still alive. As they conversed, they discovered common ground in their knowledge of obscure animal facts, and they sang a song of zoological trivia. Rory then explained to Jack that he used to want nothing more than to win the show and get his hands on the nuclear oil underneath Iceland…but now, he was a changed man.

In Bixie’s office, Dorothy was drawing a sketch of Brian while Vivian informed Bixie about his plan to shoot the loser of this week’s vote. Hearing this plan, Dorothy protested that he couldn’t do that. Vivian replied that, being from the network, he could do anything he wanted, then demonstrated by overturning Dorothy’s shopping cart. An epic slow-motion brawl ensued, ending with Dorothy poking Vivian in the eye with an umbrella.

Rory was in his old bedroom, wistfully looking over his old implements of evil. (“Torture Bed…Suffocating Pillow…Anal-Rape Stool…Lamp.”) The Torture Bed called out to him, trying to tempt him back to the dark-meat side. Rory struggled to resist the temptation of nuclear oil. The Lamp declared “Rory, I am your father.”

Dorothy and Lance were trying to figure out a way to escape the show. Lance confided that he had the grand prize, the deed to Iceland. Dorothy revealed that Vivian had given her a deed too. Just as Dorothy began fuming at Vivian’s latest duplicity, a shot rang out, and Dorothy collapsed.

Vivan brought Miller to the Chamber of Votitude to fill out his ballot to vote out a housemate. As Miller contemplated his choice, dramatic music filled the air (because Eric/Brian was singing “Carmina Burana” from off-stage). Miller finally cast his vote for “Eric Shut-the-Fuck-Up von Landingham.”

Up on the roof, Bixie and Brian Biederback were talking about their work on the show and their relationship. Brian began a monologue reminiscing about his childhood, but was drowned out by singing from off-stage.

In the Chamber of Votitude, Jack Hanna filled out his ballot while reciting one animal fact after another. (Curiously, all of his facts were penis-related.) He finally held up his ballot, revealing his vote for Lance. Suddenly, a shot rang out and Jack collapsed.

In the game room, Rory confided to Lance that he was at a crossroads; he could use the nuclear oil to become the most powerful person in the world, or he could take out Vivian LaDouche. Since Lance was the most honest, innocent person Rory knew (apart from Dorothy), he needed his help to make the right choice. He asked Lance to sneak into the Chamber of Votitude and put Rory’s name on all the ballots.

The badly-wounded Jack Hanna crawled over to Miller, followed shortly by the equally wounded Dorothy. Promising that they would both make it through this, Miller revealed the never-before-mentioned fact that he’d been through medical school. He performed impromptu surgery on both of them, then gave them some medicinal marijuana. With Hanna and Dorothy fully recovered, they decided to go into action as a trio, like super-heroes.

Vivian summoned everyone to the Chamber of Votitude, where he announced that Rory had been voted off unanimously. Rory insisted that, rather than take him out back, Vivian should finish him right there in front of everybody. Vivian and Rory faced off for an epic struggle, completely unfazed by anybody else’s attempts to intervene in the fight. Finally, Vivian snapped Rory’s neck. Rory managed to get one last shot in by biting Vivian’s crotch as he fell.


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Season 12, Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation

Episode 11: Gamma Radiation, Hanna Degradation

In the production office, producer Vivian LaDouche was shouting at Lance Belligui, ranting that Lance’s shoddy camerawork was bringing down the show’s ratings. Vivian warned him that he was going to bring up the ratings, even if it kills Lance.

Gardening in the backyard, Poncey Highland was surprised by the arrival of Jack Hanna, carrying a miniature moose and an albino gibbon. Poncey was thrilled to meet one of People Magazine’s 25 Sexiest Men of 1996. In between spouting fun facts about various animals (“Did you know that some fleas have Y-shaped penises?”), Hanna asked where he could find the show’s cameraman.

In the alley, Miller was telling Dorothy about his career prospects at Hello Pizza Kitty when insurance salesman Oral Hanks suddenly dropped in from the sky. After introducing himself, he offered them some reality-show insurance, citing the fact that 9 out of 10 reality-show contestants get horribly maimed. From this show’s track record, Dorothy could believe those figures.

Lance Belligui was fuming in the game room when Jack Hanna entered, accompanied by ominous music. When Lance demanded to know what Hanna had done with Lance’s wife, Hanna assured him that she was safe. A flashback revealed the reason for Hanna’s grudge against Lance: While filming an episode of “Animal Adventures,” Lance stood by filming, doing nothing to help while Jack Hanna was stampeded by zebras.

In the bar, Miller introduced Oral Hanks to Poncey (who had adopted the albino gibbon “Nibbles”). Poncey dismissed Oral as a huckster, but Oral insisted that accidents could happen at any time, like that chair that’s about to fall from the ceiling. While everyone was looking up, Oral grabbed a chair and hit Nibbles. They attempted CPR, but Miller snapped Nibbles’ neck in the process.

Vivian LaDouche, explaining the concept of corporate sponsorship to Dorothy, told her to try their sponsor’s new product, Coca-Cola Blak, then share her honest reaction. She took a swig and immediately spit it out. (“That’s my honest reaction.”) Vivian warned her not to fuck with Coca-Cola.

In the hallway, Lance ran into Oral Hanks (literally), who offered him some anti-collision insurance. Hysterically, Lance cried that his wife had been kidnapped, and Oral sold him some kidnapped-wife insurance. Lance explained that she had been taken by the world’s most evil man, a man who knew nothing of compassion. Oral replied “Oh, Jack Hanna!”

Miller and Poncey were waiting in the veterinary emergency room, waiting for news on Nibbles’ condition. Miller apologized for breaking the gibbon’s neck, explaining that he thought Nibbles needed chiropractic. Poncey didn’t buy it, and Miller finally admitted that he was jealous of the affection Nibbles gave Poncey. Miller was concerned that his violent urges, long suppressed by pot-smoking, were starting to come out. He needed some way of controlling his inner raging beast…like maybe gamma radiation.

Later, Vivian was relaxing in the hot tub when Miller arrived. Repeating his corporate-sponsorship pitch, Vivian asked Miller to try new Coke Blak. Tasting it, Miller declared that it was everything he ever wanted in life. Just then, Poncey rushed in, shouting a warning that Coke Blak is made with gamma rays. Miller began to transform into a rampaging hulk, smashing the hot tub (with Vivian still inside).

Jack Hanna was letting his moose graze on the eucalyptus tree in the garden when Dorothy entered. Enchanted by the animals, Dorothy got a kiss on the cheek from the tiger cub, then climbed on the moose’s back for a ride. Suddenly, the Miller-Hulk ran through, destroying the tree. Hanna threw himself on Dorothy to protect her. Once the danger had passed, they kissed passionately.

Poncey ran down to the basement to warn Lance that they were in danger. Lance asked if it was Jack Hanna, and Poncey explained that it was worse: Miller had hulked out and was smashing all the set pieces. Poncey then backed up and asked Lance what he meant by that remark about Jack Hanna. Lance explained the situation, and Poncey helped him devise a plan to get rid of Jack Hanna. Poncey would seduce Hanna and slip some weed in his crotch, so that the Miller-Hulk would destroy Jack to get to it.

In the garden, Dorothy and Jack Hanna were relaxing in post-coital bliss while Jack whispered animal facts in her ear (“Did you know the swan is the only bird with a penis?”). She was having guilt feelings about their encounter, since she’d been having an on-again/off-again relationship with Lance. Shocked by the revelation that she had slept with his arch-enemy, Hanna rose up in anger…but couldn’t stay mad when she assumed a mating-display position.

In the hallway, Lance ran into Vivian. Impressed by Lance’s fury at Jack Hanna (“Did you know Jack Hanna is the only man without a penis?”), Vivian filmed Lance’s explanation of his vendetta. Vivian encouraged Lance to kill Jack (and boost the ratings), but Lance replied that he wouldn’t…at least, he wouldn’t do it HIMSELF.

Poncey informed Oral Hanks that he was about to go on a dangerous mission, and could use some insurance. Immediately guessing what that mission was, Oral offered to help him take down Jack Hanna.

Torn between Lance and Jack Hanna, Dorothy sang a song to Jesus asking advice. Suddenly, Miller-Hulk came rampaging through, but upon seeing Dorothy, he stopped in his tracks and uttered “Friend?” Dorothy asked if there was any way she could help him, and he grunted “Backrub.”

Jack Hanna was herding his animals in the great room when Poncey and Oral Hanks entered. Hanna began to use his Sexiest-Man-of-1996 charisma to distract Poncey, but Oral whacked Hanna with his briefcase, then shouted out to the Hulk. Hearing the call, Miller punched out Dorothy and ran over to the great room. Jack Hanna regained consciousness just as Miller-Hulk went for his pants.

Coming to, Dorothy heard muffled yells coming from nearby. Following the sound, she discovered a bound woman with duct-tape covering her mouth. Realizing that this was Lance’s wife, Dorothy answered her pleas: “I’m not untying you, bitch!”

Despite having been buggered by the Hulk, Jack Hanna remained defiant. He pulled a lever, causing Oral Hanks to plunge through a trapdoor into a bottomless pit. Hanna then used his power to summon all his animals and make them attack Miller-Hulk.

Dorothy finally relented and removed the duct-tape from Mrs. Belligui’s mouth (though she remained tied up), just as Lance entered. Before they could confront each other, Jack Hanna entered and began taunting Lance. (“I survived getting fucked by the Hulk! You think you can take me down?”) Before he could get his revenge, the day was saved when Oral Hanks suddenly fell from the sky (having fallen all the way through the earth and back again) and landed on Jack Hanna. As soon as Hanna was down, Miller-Hulk ran in for more.


Monday, March 23, 2009

Season 12, Episode 10: Romancing the Stoner

Episode 10: Romancing the Stoner

Miller was relaxing on the roof when producer Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Miller that the show’s ratings were down, and he needed Miller to do his part by being a team player…“team player” meaning “do everything Vivian says.” Miller pointed out that every time he’s done what people told him, bad things have happened (like Eric getting shot and Hank getting struck by lightning).

Cameraman Lance Belligui was in the library with this week’s guest, romance novelist Jessica Lovingstone. She asked him about himself and his deepest feelings, and he confessed about his love/hate relationship with Dorothy and his guilt over cheating on his wife. Taking notes, she advised him to follow the example of her novels: “Cheat on your wife, then slap her, kiss her passionately, and leave with her money.”

Dorothy was making lunch in the kitchen when Bixie Biederback entered. After a moment of awkward skirting around the subject, they began talking about the time they slept together. Bixie informed Dorothy that she only did it to boost the ratings, but Dorothy insisted that there was something genuine between them.

Noticing that Poncey was depressed, Miller tried to get him to open up. Poncey said that he didn’t feel like taking to people, so Miller suggested that he think of him not as a person, but as his favorite childhood stuffed animal. Poncey revealed that his lover Blaine had run off to Dollywood…with the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham. He further explained that Blaine had sold their grooming salon for 800 pounds of ecstasy, and was already halfway through it. Miller offered to help Poncey find Blaine (and more importantly, those 400 pounds of X).

In the confession booth, Jessica Lovingstone was interviewing Dorothy, who informed her that she was torn between her feelings for Lance and Bixie. Intrigued by this love triangle (particularly the sauciness of Dorothy dressing as Burt Reynolds to seduce Bixie), Jessica suggested that Dorothy do as her heroines would do: make her dreams come true and sail away with her love…of course, she would have to choose Lance because lesbianism is a sin. When Dorothy asked if it wasn’t also a sin to take away a married man, Jessica replied that it’s okay because his wife is far away.

In the game room, Vivian was berating Lance about his shaky camerawork. He promised to protect Lance’s family from Jack Hanna if Lance used a tripod. When Lance protested that a tripod was “cheating,” Vivian retorted “It’s not cheating if you care.” Lance repeated this phrase: “It’s not cheating if you care.”

Poncey was moping in the backyard when Bixie came by, equally depressed. She explained that she was afraid of losing her job because of the poor ratings, and Poncey attempted to cheer her up by reminding her of all the worse ordeals she’s survived (like the time she caught on fire).

In the bowling alley, Jessica was interviewing Miller about his romances; he replied that his greatest loves were pot and pizza. She informed Miller that he reminded her of a supporting character from one of her novels: Ricardo, an opium-smoking pasta maker who came to a bad end, dying in the gutter after shooting someone in the head. (“Shit, I’ve already shot someone! I’m halfway there!”) She suggested that he could avoid Ricardo’s fate by finding love. When Miller complained that the only two women in the house were with each other, Jessica hinted that there WAS one other woman there. Catching on, Miller realized that Jessica’s inordinately long fingernails could add a kinky touch to the encounter…

Vivian LaDouche was complaining about the poor ratings in Bixie’s office. He informed her how vital it was that the show do well, because its success was the key to him getting his OWN reality show produced: He plans to bring hip-hop star Ol’ Dirty Bastard back from the dead and put him on a dating show.

In the backyard, Dorothy was taking shelter from the rain under a tree when Poncey came by with an umbrella. Dorothy noticed that Poncey seemed happier, and he explained that the bad weather was cheering him up because he knew Blaine and Eric were being rained on too. He asked if she knew what it was like to be in a 13-year relationship. She replied that she once wore the same pair of pants for 13 years, and it felt great to finally get them off. She told Poncey that he should be just as glad to be rid of his own “pair of pants.”

Lance was talking to Miller at the Hello Pizza Kitty when Miller finally managed to pull a huge fingernail out of his butt…left behind during his liaison with Jessica Lovingstone. Lance pointed out that Jessica had only used him to get material for her novels, but Miller had no problem with being used that way. They high-fived.

Although a big fan of Jessica Lovingstone’s work, Poncey was so disillusioned with love that he was in no mood to talk to her. When she called him a whiny bitch, Poncey was about to slap-fight her, but immediately backed down when he realized the damage her nails could do.

Lance and Bixie were talking about the hard rain outside; Lance segued into a DeNiroesque monologue, saying that “my right hand of righteousness will make an even harder rain come down.”

Communicating entirely in mime, Vivian LaDouche told Dorothy that she needed to improve the ratings by upping the sex appeal. She responded by tonguing him.

Up on the roof, Bixie and Jessica were talking over old times, since they hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. During their conversation, Bixie discovered a fingernail up her rectum. Jessica confessed that she’d taken advantage of Bixie while she was in a drug-induced coma, explaining that she could only express her true feelings while Bixie was unconscious.

Dorothy found Lance hiding under her bed. Lance opened his shirt to reveal stars tattooed on his chest, in the manner of a Jessica Lovingstone hero. Dorothy confessed that she loved both Lance and Bixie, and couldn’t figure out which path her heart would follow. Lance offered to resolve her dilemma by getting rid of Bixie.

Poncey was drunk in the bar when Vivian LaDouche arrived. Vivian informed Poncey that his whiney moping was dragging down the ratings. He then handed Poncey a package from Blaine (containing a map of Dollywood, a hat, and a bag of oregano), in the hopes that these souvenirs of Blaine’s infidelity would make Poncey mad enough to get off his ass and actually DO something. Poncey responded by passionately kissing Vivian and throwing him to the ground.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Season 12, Episode 9: Brain Damage, Drug Addiction, Amputations, and Fratboys

Episode 9: Brain Damage, Drug Addiction, Amputations, and Fratboys

In her office, Bixie Biederback was talking to the celebrated sex-symbol carpenter Ty Buildington, host of “Your House Is Way Too Ugly.” When he informed her that the Scandal House had to be retrofitted to be handicapped-accessible, she protested that none of the housemates needed that. Ty replied that none were disabled YET; he’d checked the contestants’ medical records, and one of them had a severe case of diabetes from the knees down, and would require immediate amputation…which Ty would perform himself.

In the basement, Lance Belligui tried to talk to the brain-damaged Eric von Landingham, trying in vain to get a response from him. In despair, Lance broke into song about Eric’s helplessness, prompting Eric to join in.

Poncey Highland was surprised by a visit from his life-partner Blaine, who (amazingly) was even more stereotypically gay than Poncey. As they conversed, Poncey realized that Blaine was high on ecstasy. Blaine confessed that he had sold their pet-grooming salon, Happy Waggin’s, for drug money. When Poncey protested that the salon was his dream, Blaine replied that he could have a dream every time he goes to sleep.

Lance Belligui went up to the roof and was surprised to see ex-Braves pitcher Keith Hernandez doing some stretching exercises. Hernandez explained that he’d run away from his own reality show, “The Player.” Lance warned him that there’s no escape from reality TV, and he knew because his family was being held hostage by Jack Hanna. Keith offered to help Lance if Lance would help him.

In the hot tub, Ty Buildington was helping Eric with his physical therapy. Thanks to his years of working with mentally-challenged children, Ty was about to understand Eric’s groans and howls; Eric was telling him that he was simply looking for love. Ty broke into a song about Eric’s need for affection, and Eric joined in.

Poncey went to Bixie’s office to inform her that his partner Blaine had crashed the house while high on drugs. Since this was a clear violation of the rules, he needed her help to hide Blaine from the producers. Bixie remarked that she had a brother named Blaine, but it must be just a coincidence since her brother isn’t gay. She agreed to help Poncey, if he’d help her hook up with Keith Hernandez by “accidentally” locking them together in the basement.

Keith and Blaine were sitting on opposite sides of the roof, crying hysterically until they finally noticed each other. As Keith introduced himself, Blaine began flirtatiously dancing around him.

In the game room, Ty Buildington informed Poncey that he’d looked at the housemates’ confidential medical records (“I’m not just a carpenter, I’m a snoop”). Ty explained that one of the others would have to have their legs amputated…and this person was someone whose whole life was based on being active and physical. Poncey guessed that he was talking about Lance.

Blaine found Eric sprawled over the bar (prominently displaying his crotch); finding the pose tempting, Blaine broke into song. Eric joined in, just as Poncey walked in and found them in a compromising position.

Bixie called Lance into her office to tell him some confidential news. (“Are you coming on to me?”) She reminded Lance about the medical exams and all the invasive tests they performed. (“Are you coming on to me?”) Finally, she came right out and told him his legs would have to be amputated. (“You’re totally coming on to me.”)

On the porch, Poncey as trying to teach sign language to Eric; Eric responded by peeing on the floor, then bending down to lap it up. Poncey attempted to break into song, despite his disgust. Poncey contemplated putting Eric out of his misery.

Ty Buildington and Keith Hernandez ran into each other in the backyard. Ty blamed Keith for putting him in a wheelchair, and we saw a flashback to the time when Keith was too high to hold a ladder steady for Ty. Ty informed Keith that he was going to amputate Lance’s legs, having seen his medical records in file #383111. That number sounded familiar to Keith…it was the same number inscribed on his glove. (“That can’t be a coincidence.”)

Bixie ran into Blaine, and was surprised to discover that it was indeed her brother. He explained that he gayed up since the last time he saw her; he gave up on the family after they gave up on him. She informed him that their mother died of a broken heart while waiting for him to visit on Christmas day. Depressed, he wished he could have been there. She offered to help him with his drug habit, explaining that she’d given up ecstasy herself a few months ago.

Lance was in the confession booth, trying to come to terms with his impending amputation. Deciding to go ahead and get it over with, he rushed to the infirmary, where he ran into Keith Hernandez. Keith explained that there had been a mistake: Keith himself was file #383111, the same as his team number. (“I had the biggest jersey in the big leagues.”) Realizing that it was Keith who was going to lose his legs, Lance offered him a gift as a show of sympathy and solidarity. Peeling off his mustache, Lance explained that it had been passed down by his father, who kept it safe Pulp Fiction-style while he was a POW in Vietnam.

Blaine and Poncey were in the hot tub, discussing the incident between Blaine and Eric. As they talked, Eric popped up from underneath the water, then went down again. Poncey attempted to confront Blaine about his blatant infidelity; he began by reminiscing about their first meeting when Poncey was a fresh-faced college student at Georgia Tech. As soon as he mentioned pledging Teek, the fratboys in the audience (from a rival fraternity) created such an uproar that the scene stopped in its tracks.


Saturday, March 21, 2009

Season 12, Episode 8: All This and Burt Reynolds, Too

Episode 8: All This and Burt Reynolds, Too

With his mentor Rory Manchester gone, Eric von Landingham had renamed himself yet again, appointing himself Emperor von Landingham and trading his Darth mask for a black Sith robe. However, when Poncey Highland questioned him about the new look, he insisted that he was still the same old Eric he’s always been.

In her office, producer Bixie Biederback was talking to this week’s guest, life coach Hans Jorg. She explained that for this week’s challenge, she wanted the show to get into the housemates’ psyches. Hans proposed the stakes: Whoever succeeds in his task will get Krugerrands…while the losers will get amputations. He raised his own cybernetic hand for dramatic emphasis.

Dorothy and Miller were relaxing in the hot tub, discussing this week’s challenge. As far as he could figure out, Miller thought that the challenge was “talking to a man with a weird hand,” so he wondered whether it would count if he talked to the guy with the weird bulge who stands on Moreland & Ponce.

Poncey tried to talk to cameraman Lance Belligui about Eric’s new persona, but Lance insisted he didn’t see any problem. Poncey realized that Eric must have something on Lance, and Lance finally admitted that Eric had promised to get him off the show.

In the backyard, Dorothy met Hans, who told her she was homeless because she lacked confidence. He told her that the prize for this week’s challenge was a stash of Krugerrands, then asked her if she knew what those were. She replied that a Krugerrand is an ant that can kill you in your dreams. Hans asked her to imagine the power she could have with such a thing.

Over some Shirley Temples in the bar, Bixie confided to Miller that she was worried about his future after the show. He explained that he was planning a show of his own, “The Miller Show,” a talk show where he would interview those actors that you see all the time but don’t know their names. He demonstrated by interviewing Bixie.

Eric summoned Lance to the roof, asking about the progress on his plan to turn the entire planet into The Dirt Star, a mobile space station to terrorize the galaxy. Lance was reluctant (plus he couldn’t figure out the instructions). Eric reminded Lance that he was Lance’s only hope for freeing his family from the clutches of Jack Hanna, who was at that very moment touching Lance’s wife’s nipples.

Hans Jorg told Poncey that his problem was that he lacked confidence. Poncey asked Hans how he lost his hand, and Hans had a flashback to combat in the Falkland Islands (where he fought on the side of the Falklandians). Poncey comforted Hans to snap him back to the present, then offered to serve as the life coach’s love coach.

Dorothy asked Bixie what she wanted more than anything in the world. When Bixie replied “Burt Reynolds,” Dorothy revealed that she had Burt Reynolds on her speed-dial, and would hook her up with him if Bixie gets her shit together. Considering her problems, Bixie decided that she needed to get religion. Luckily, Dorothy also happened to be an ordained minister.

Observing Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty, Hans greeted him as an old comrade. They reminisced about serving together in the Falklands, which was were Miller discovered weed. Hans informed Miller that he’d fallen into the life of a stoner due to his guilt over sending Hans into the battle that cost him his hand…and ever since that day, Miller had lacked confidence. Hans cajoled Miller into standing up straight and shouting to the world: “I am Captain Miller Johnstonstone,” (even though that’s not Miller’s name), “and I will not let you get away with this!”

In the confession booth, Dorothy explained to Lance that Hans had encouraged her to help others, so she was helping Bixie. As they conversed, the sexual tension of their weird love/hate relationship arose once again. Lance tried to think of his wife in Jack Hanna’s clutches, but couldn’t resist Dorothy’s sexy hip-hop dance moves. As they embraced passionately, an audience member walked out.

Hans Jorg was admiring the ion cannons in Eric’s secret lair. When Eric mocked Hans’ German accent, Hans informed him that the reason he belittled others and sought to conquer the world was because he lacked confidence. Eric confronted Hans about his own self-confidence problem; he knew that Hans lost not only his hand in the Falklands, but his penis as well. Eric asked Hans to join him, since he could use a man who has something to take out on the world.

After praying in the chapel, Bixie explained to Poncey that she’d turned to God to show her the way…preferably by putting the right path directly in front of her so she wouldn’t have to choose for herself. She continued that all she wanted was to get right with God and sleep with Burt Reynolds. Poncey questioned the compatibility of those two goals.

Hans and Lance began debated about which of them was better suited to being Emperor von Landingham’s right-hand man. After a heated argument, Lance declared that Hans lacked confidence.

Filled with renewed self-confidence, an armed Miller confronted Eric about his evil plans. Eric laughed “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful.” Miller answered his boast by shooting him.

Bixie and Poncey were waiting on the front porch when Burt Reynolds (actually Dorothy in a fake mustache) arrived. Lance pulled “Burt” aside and asked Dorothy if she really intended to go through with this, even if it meant sleeping with Bixie. Her reply: “Shit yeah!”

In the basement, Hans and Lance attempted to revive Eric. Hans blamed himself for restoring Miller’s confidence. When they finally managed to get Eric out of his Emperor’s robe, they discovered that he was still alive, but horribly disfigured and brain-damaged (with a bullet hole in his forehead).

In the game room, Miller was bragging to Poncey about how he’d regained his confidence and shot Eric. Surveying the crowd, Miller noticed that an audience member was missing. Blaming himself, Miller’s bravado crumbled, and he broke down crying. Hans entered and told Miller that maybe he was just one of those people who wasn’t cut out to have confidence. For having the wisdom to accept his status as a slacker, Hans declared Miller the winner of the challenge.

Bixie and “Burt” were basking in the afterglow in Bixie’s bedroom. As they cuddled together, Bixie admitted that she knew “Burt” was really Dorothy.


Friday, March 20, 2009

Season 12, Episode 7: And Now Let's Get Things Started

Episode 7: And Now Let’s Get Things Started

Bixie Biederback paid a visit to Henson James, creator of the Yuppet Show, to ask for his help in revitalizing her show. Henson suggested that this week’s challenge should be a variety-show act; the best act would get a contract with the Yuppet Show. However, Henson’s puppet Stevie Weasel still held a grudge against Bixie, remembering the night that she stuck him with her bar tab and he had to do unspeakable things to pay it off.

While converting the hot-tub into a puppetry playboard, Poncey Highland and Miller were planning their variety acts. Poncey was thinking of an old-fashioned song and dance act, while Miller was going to turn himself inside out. Miller reminisced that he spent all his time in college getting stoned and watching the Yuppet Show…and now, he wanted revenge on Stevie Weasel for what he’d done to his life.

Rory Manchester was putting the finishing touches on Eric von Landingham’s new cyborg parts, following Eric’s stabbing and disfigurement by Bixie. Wearing a black mask, Eric now called himself Darth von Landingham.

Dorothy and Lance Belligui were practicing the boxstep for the variety show, though Dorothy just couldn’t get the hang of it. Lance told her that it would take a lot of hard work to win the competition, and she replied that she knew all about hard work, having held hundreds of jobs in her lifetime. Lance couldn’t believe her, since he thought that all homeless people were lazy. Offended by the stereotype, she broke up the act and declared that she would go on her own by making a helicopter disappear.

Henson James was talking to Poncey about his work on “The Empire Strikes Back.” When Poncey couldn’t figure out which part Henson worked on, Stevie Weasel realized that Poncey had never seen any of the Star Wars movies…which can only mean that he’s gay. As Stevie taunted Poncey, Darth von Landingham entered, paused, and left.

On the roof, Miller was trying to turn himself inside out.

With his act broken up, Lance Belligui went to Bixie’s office to figure out a new act. She told him that the variety-show challenge had gotten her interested in performing again, and all she needed was a partner to encourage her. They agreed to team up.

In the backyard, Dorothy looked up at the sky and shouted “Get out of here, helicopter!” And it did. Darth von Landingham entered. Having seen Dorothy’s powers in action, he asked if she’d help him make something even bigger disappear—namely, Air Force One. Freaked out by Darth’s new appearance, Dorothy refused. Darth began calling her names to anger her, hoping to turn her to the Dark Side.

Miller confronted Stevie Weasel (“You destroyed my career in humanities!”). Stevie responded by slapping Miller, then taking a hit off his bong. Miller immediately forgot his vengeance and bonded with Stevie as fellow stoners. Miller finally noticed the puppeteer attached to Stevie, and Henson introduced himself. They talked about the Yuppet Show, until Miller upset Stevie by bringing up his arch-enemy Glorf, the piano-playing goat. Stevie informed Miller that the producers wouldn’t let him in the talent show, and were going to send him to rehab instead.

Later, Rory, Henson and Stevie were playing a game of air hockey. Stevie suddenly recognized Rory as the guy from the bar, who had made him do those unspeakable things to pay Bixie’s tab. Rory confirmed that it was him, and that he knew Stevie’s secret…that Stevie is a real weasel, and that Henson James is simply a giant puppeteer-shaped growth. As part of his Illuminati initiation, Rory had filled himself with mutated sperm and had his way with Stevie in order to create Henson. Stevie cried that he only wanted to be normal again. Rory offered to send him to Germany to see Dr. Mindbender.

Dorothy was telling Poncey about Eric/Darth’s transformation. She feared that Darth was going to kill her. (“Somebody dies on this show every week, and he’s got a plastic head!”) She began rummaging through her shopping cart for something she could use against him.

Speaking to the camera, Darth von Landingham (accompanied by his miniature stormtrooper Clone Troyer) issued an ultimatum to the world. Either he wins the contest, or he would unleash the power of the Death Mart…the full destructive power of all of Wal-Mart’s augers and Jiffy-Pop going off at once.

Miller confronted Bixie about the plan to throw him off of the show. She explained that it wasn’t her decision, it was the producers’. (“Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick?” “Yes.”) When she told him “Don’t shoot the messenger,” he turned his bong into a gun and pointed it at her. He demanded that she kick somebody else off the show. Bixie suggested getting rid of Dorothy, but Miller insisted that it be Rory.

In the great room, Poncey Highland demonstrated his talent by giving Stevie Weasel a makeover.

For his act, Rory Manchester rocked out a rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Stevie Weasel joined in, and afterwards Rory and Stevie discussed what to do about Henson. They realized that Henson wasn’t just a puppeteer-shaped tumor…he was their son.

Darth von Landingham confronted Bixie, demanding worker’s comp for the injuries she inflicted on him.

Dorothy told Stevie Weasel how much she enjoyed having him around. At that point, Rory entered and informed Dorothy that her helicopter-disappearing powers were the result of his experiments. He explained that his reunion with Stevie and Henson had awoken his paternal instincts, and he now wanted to abandon his evil plans. He asked Dorothy to use her powers to send him away with Stevie & Henson, some place where they could live as a family. Dorothy complied.

Lance Belligui and Bixie Biederback practiced their ventriloquist act (with Lance acting as the dummy), “Mr. Chips & Mrs. Tits.”

In the bar, Dorothy was telling everybody how she made Rory, Stevie & Henson disappear, though she didn’t know where she’d sent them. Clone Troyer revealed they’d gone to the Dagoba System.

Meanwhile, on a swampy planet in the Dagoba System, Rory, Stevie & Henson were happily settling into their new home.

As everyone gathered in the great room, Poncey pleaded with Darth to come back to the side of good. Lance and Bixie tried to cheer everybody up with their ventriloquist act, which turned out to be the worst torture Darth could inflict on the others.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Season 12, Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango

Episode 6: Wango Ze Tango

Bixie Biederback was in her office when Ted Nugent came in through the window, answering her call to guest-star on her show. The Nuge would be leading the housemates into the woods for an outdoor challenge this week. Since his own reality show was on hiatus, he was happy to help out. They reminisced about skipping class together in high school, which started Bixie down the road of drug abuse.

In the secret Illuminati headquarters, Rory Manchester had just initiated Eric von Landingham as his protégé. Rory warned Eric that they would soon face one of the 17 heroes fighting the Illuminati…namely, Ted Nugent.

In preparation for the outing, Dorothy was teaching Poncey Highland how to survive in the woods with only a bucket and broom. Poncey had a flashback to his days as a cub scout, trying for a “bucket badge” before discovering that there was no such thing. The memory of the humiliation snapped him back to the present and caused him to sing about his determination to be the best Poncey he could be (and get a sugar-daddy to take care of him).

Lance Belligui and Miller were carpooling to the woods. When Lance asked if Miller had any experience with the wilderness, Miller complained that it was just a stereotype that pot smokers are nature-loving hippies. In face, Miller hates the outdoors. Lance replied that he didn’t want to take part in this trip either, but had to do what the network says. Miller suggested that he use the trip to get lost and escape the network’s grasp.

As Ted Nugent showed Dorothy how to make a bear trap, they bonded over having something in common: Neither of them had bathed in 14 years. The Nuge explained that the shampoo industry was a big conspiracy to sell something people don’t actually need.

In the woods, Rory showed Poncey his automatic tent, demonstrating that it comes with a ready-made rave, complete with a hot tub, four young men, and an automatic Jesus. Rory explained that they would need to work together when Ted Nugent issues the challenge, and he was giving this to Poncey in exchange for his allegiance.

Eric drove Bixie out to the woods. As she got out to stretch and smell the fresh air, Eric suddenly drove off and abandoned her.

Lance and Miller’s Fiat had broken down in the woods. As the “Dueling Banjos” music filled the air, Miller began panicking that the “Deliverance” treatment was in store for them. Lance prayed that his Burt Reynolds mustache would protect him.

Meanwhile, all the non-stranded housemates were gathered by the campfire, waiting for Ted Nugent to issue the challenge. He announced that the prize would be a night at Nugent Inn, a Cadillac, and 18 million Nugent Bucks (redeemable at Texaco). Just then, Miller and Lance were dropped off by a helpful hillbilly in a pickup truck. Now that all the contestants were gathered, the Nuge divided them into two teams. The teams were to climb Mt. Nugent, avoid Kalamazoo the bear, retrieve the flag, then return and give Nugent a high-five. To make it even more exciting, the Nuge will be hunting the teams with a bow and arrow all the while.

Alone in the woods, the delirious Bixie was talking to her newfound weasel friend Julie Andrews. Bixie heard Julie’s voice offering herself as food so that Bixie could survive. As Bixie snapped the weasel’s neck, she heard the same voice saying “I didn’t mean it!”

As they made their way up the mountain, Dorothy told Poncey that she could scale the mountain with her retractable claws. (“I knew it! The homeless are evolving into superhumans!”) Just then, Ted Nugent ambushed them and fired an arrow.

Meanwhile, Bixie heard the voice of Frank Sinatra urging her to get the gold nugget from Ted Nugent’s sack. Inspired by her father figure, Bixie enthusiastically agreed, but then collapsed and began shivering.

Miller was gathering berries and putting them in a bong when his foot got caught in a bear trap. The Nuge ran in and threatened to filet Miller. (“Wait, you’ll fellate me?”) In the nick of time, Rory arrived and freed Miller from the trap. Nugent recognized Rory as his former road manager, and they faced off. Nugent used his nature skills to summon Kalamazoo the bear, but the bear proved to be pretty darn useless as Rory immediately snapped her neck.

Dorothy and Lance had found a babbling brook to get fresh water. With the stress of the situation taking its toll on their already-strained relationship, they began bickering. Lance pointed out that the brook wouldn’t do her any good, since he was the one who had something to carry the water. The babbling brook told Dorothy to use her hat. She dipped her hat into the brook, and when she pulled it out, it magically held 18 gallons, plus 40 loaves and fishes.

The feral Bixie was wandering in the woods when Eric found her. He noticed that she had fashioned a shank from a weasel bone. Bixie pointed out a squirrel behind Eric, and he asked if she was going to stab him once he turned around. She assured him she wouldn’t, then stabbed him anyway. Frank Sinatra’s voice told her to cut off Eric’s ear and wear it as a trophy.

Poncey stumbled across the unconscious Ted Nugent, who woke up as soon as his name was spoken. The Nuge warned Poncey that Rory was part of the Illuminati, and was two steps away from being the eye on the pyramid. To defeat him, they had to make a sacrifice by dropping a virgin bear into the volcano on Mt. Nugent.

Rory and Miller were riding Rory’s robotic camel through the woods, wondering whether to go back and save Eric or go forward and win the challenge. Without any hesitation, they decided to win. Eric staggered towards them with his ear bandaged, and Miller kicked him away. Rory told Miller that the journey to Mt. Nugent would be like living through “Lord of the Rings” (“I’ll be your Frodo if you’ll be my Sam.”). Miller picked Rory up and began carrying him.

Dragging Kalamazoo the bear up to the mountain, Ted Nugent warned the teammates that Rory had used the show to hypnotize the viewers, who would be set off when Rory utters the trigger-word “Applesauce.” Despite the distracting arrivals of Bixie and Eric, they managed to drop the bear into the volcano with only seconds to spare. As they celebrated their victory, Poncey accidentally fell off the mountain ledge.

Rory and Miller were trying to get their robot camel out of the mud when Poncey came tumbling down the mountain. When Poncey boasted that they’d defeated Rory, Rory exclaimed that the sacrifice was actually a ritual to open the gates of Hell. Ted Nugent had lied to them all. The Nuge came down to gloat about his victory, and a fight broke out. By the end of the struggle, Miller had ripped off Ted Nugent’s hair, signifying that Miller, as the holder of the Golden Fleece, was the Chosen One.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Season 12, Episode 5: Power, Failure

Episode 5: Power, Failure

Back from her “hiatus” (read: bender), hostess Bixie Biederback gathered everyone together to inform them that the producers had threatened to shut down the show. The housemates blamed Bixie for losing control of the show, and announced they were going on strike unless they got a new host. Just then, the producers shut off the power.

In the kitchen, Dorothy showed Miller how to heat up canned goods without power, by putting them in your pants. They found a package of Chicken in a Biscuit, but were disappointed to read the label and discover that it’s only chicken-flavored. They decided to catch a real chicken and put it in a biscuit.

Eric von Landingham and Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker got into a heated debate about their reliance on electric power and the waste of resources.

In Bixie’s office, Rory Manchester placed a call to divert power from his secret generator. After the lights came on, Rory lectured her that he had faith in her as a producer…and nobody proves Rory wrong. He told her to get off the booze, or he would literally kick her off the show.

On the roof, Lance Belligui was setting up a solar panel to operate his camera when Hank came up. Hank pressured Lance to get him into Bixie’s office and fix the scores so that Hank will be in the lead. In return, Lance asked Hank to help him get immigration and/or the IRS off his case.

Eric went to Hello Pizza Kitty and ordered a medium with Epsom salt. He then pulled Miller aside conspiratorially and suggested that, even if the show’s cancelled, that Miller could still get the prize by going through Bixie.

Behind the house, Dorothy was watching the sunrise when Lance arrived and began flirting with her. When Dorothy complained that everyone on the show is crazy, Lance pointed out that she’s the one who lives in a garbage can. She invited Lance to climb in and try it out before he knocks her lifestyle. As they got in the can together, get-it-on music played in the background.

Rory was making some calls in Bixie’s office when Hank sneaked in. Gloating that he’d gotten past Rory, Hank suggested that Rory was losing his touch. Hank’s mockery caused Rory to hear flashback voices of his childhood humiliations, until Rory finally snapped and grabbed Hank by the throat.

Not having found a real chicken, Dorothy and Miller were practicing their food-catching technique with Miller pretending to be the chicken as Dorothy chased him. Miller commented that he probably wouldn’t be doing this if he weren’t stoned. Dorothy revealed that she used to do drugs herself, but gave them up when she decided to become homeless. Miller asked her more about her life, and she confessed that she had a couple of children, but didn’t want to talk about them. She was more open about a more recent event, admitting that she’d had sex with Lance. She worried that he might have filmed their encounter.

Eric was relaxing in the hot tub (which was only lukewarm due to the power loss) when Lance arrived. Lance confessed to having sex with Dorothy and filming it. Eric asked if Lance had ever enjoyed anything for itself in the moment, without worrying about capturing it on film. Lance admitted that he used to enjoy himself spontaneously with his wife back in Viennice.

After a game of foosball in the rec room, Bixie thanked Hank for helping her find an activity to replace drinking. Offering some advice, Hank told her that she’d spent too much time trying to please others, but never found the real Bixie inside herself.

Rory placed a phone call to one of his secret cohorts…Dr. Claw. He informed Claw that he’d been trying to get the deed to Iceland, but needed access to “771.” Claw replied that Rory had always had full access.

In the garden, Hank complimented Dorothy on her horticultural aesthetics, then asked if he could call her Dottie. She reminisced that her father used to call her that. He was a railroad engineer, and she always wanted to follow in his footsteps…until she found out that the engineer doesn’t just blow the whistle but has to actually drive the train, a lesson she learned when she accidentally killed hundreds of people. Hank reassured her that it wasn’t her fault.

Eric stumbled into Rory’s secret room, and Rory congratulated him on his resourcefulness. Eric realized that Rory was part of the Illuminati or some similar world-controlling conspiracy. Rory admitted it, explaining that his associates included such legends as Dr. Claw, Cobra Commander, and the Supreme Hydra; they made cartoons about themselves in the 1980s so that people would think they didn’t actually exist.

In the bar, Bixie had just mixed an alcohol-free mimosa when Miller came in and made a painfully obvious and inept attempt to seduce her. When she informed him that she was now sober, Miller realized that his usual pick-up techniques wouldn’t work. She confessed that she’d managed to keep the show alive by offering herself sexually to the producers. Miller suggested that she could boost the ratings by making the same offer to the contestants.

In the basement, Lance was plotting to double-cross Hank. Suddenly, Hank and Dorothy burst in, and Hank confronted Lance about his treatment of Dorothy. Realizing that Hank had also slept with Dorothy, Lance dropped his camera in shock.

Bixie gathered everyone together to announce that the power had been restored and the show was back on track. She asked everybody to help get the show to #1. Suddenly, Hank had a heart attack and collapsed. As Rory and Eric performed CPR, Bixie pleaded to Hank to stay alive for the show’s sake.

Dorothy and Lance accompanied Hank in the ambulance. Lance blamed himself for Hank’s collapse (“We killed him with our love!”). Taking him literally, Dorothy said that she couldn’t be with Lance now that he was a murderer. Lance retorted that this meant she would lose two lovers in one day.

Hank’s life flashed before his eyes in a flashback montage.

Back at the house, Rory placed a call to Destro. He informed his associate that he had placed formula 771 in Hank’s water to simulate a heart attack, then used CPR as a pretext to place the microchip in Hank’s mouth. The next step was to send Zartan to infiltrate Hank’s hospital room at Grady, and their plan would proceed right on schedule.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Season 12, Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity

Episode 4: Homeland Insecurity

After the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy, the investigation was being incorporated into the show. Cameraman Lance Belligui introduced the housemates to Homeland Security Agent John Denver (no relation). Denver assured everybody that, before the end of the night, he would find the killer…or at least someone he could claim was the killer.

Denver began by questioning Poncey Highland while Poncey showed him around Chrysanthemum’s room. Poncey was convinced that it was a hate crime, since she’d been killed moments after declaring her love for Dorothy. Poncey suspected Eric von Landingham, since he’d noticed some unstable behavior from Eric ever since their liaison two weeks ago.

At the bar, Dorothy was still reeling from the shock of her new best friend dying in her arms. Eric suggested that she forget her sorrows by coming to see his band “Fucked at Birth” at their upcoming gig.

Miller was getting high up on the roof when Lance came up for some fresh air. Lance noticed the unusual pipe Miller was smoking from, and asked to try it. As Lance smoked, Miller picked up Lance’s camera and asked him what he really thought about everyone at the Scandal house. His inhibitions lost, Lance called them all assholes.

Rory Manchester was relaxing when boy-band star Chip Blingo came by. Chip explained that he had been thrown out of his own neighboring reality show, and needed another chance to prove himself. Rory said that Chip’s vocal talents (and self-generating background music) were just what he needed to cheer up, since a woman he cared for had just died of a spontaneous neck-break. (Rory neglected to mention that he was the one who “spontaneously” broke it.)

Agent Denver was interviewing Dorothy by the garbage cans. She was certain that Rory was the killer, and suggested that they give him a taste of some street justice by cutting off his feet and wrapping him in seaweed. (“He’ll tell you everything…and then bleed to death.”)

While grocery shopping, Poncey confronted Eric about his strange behavior. Eric confessed that he did have a guilty conscience…not over murder, but because he’d never told his mother than he loved her. Poncey comforted him by offering to role-play Eric’s mother. Eric asked Poncey to pull on his nipples to make the impersonation more convincing.

Chip Blingo was moving in when Miller entered. Recognizing Chip (after initially mistaking him for a troll doll), Miller proclaimed that he’d sold more weed at Chip’s last concert than in the rest of the year combined.

Rory was doing the show’s confession-booth segment when he noticed that Lance was trying to film him with a bong instead of a camera. The wasted Lance gloated that he knew Rory had killed Chrysanthemum, and he had the proof on film. Where Rory asked where this proof was, Lance realized that Miller had it now. Rory insinuated that Lance was making unfounded accusations to draw suspicion away from himself. Before long, Lance was convinced of his own guilt.

Chip was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came by. Recognizing Chip, she began singing one of his songs. Chip told Dorothy that his last reality show was filled with ruthless competition, and he was amazed by how friendly everyone was here. Dorothy agreed that it was great, except for people getting murdered.

Miller was filming Poncey in the kitchen, childishly trying to goad Poncey into making a “tossed salad” reference. When Poncey noticed that Miller had Lance’s camera, Miller explained that he’d gotten hold of it while Lance was hitting the bong. (“He thought it was tobacco product, like they make you say when you buy it.”) Now that he had the camera and access to the editing room, Miller suggested that they give the footage some tweaking.

After drummer Eric von Landingham gave his bandmates a pep talk, “Fucked at Birth” began their hard-rockin’ concert.

Even down in the basement, Agent Denver and Lance were stunned by the loudness and rage of the music. Denver confided that he had found three particularly suspicious characters in his investigation. (“Rory may be a killer, Poncey may be gay, and Chip may be ethnic.”) Denver said that he might have to resort to extreme interrogation tactics. Lance offered to get the seaweed.

Rory went to the Hello Pizza Kitty to see Miller about Lance’s film. He convinced Miller that he was in trouble for editing the tapes, and persuaded him to hand over the camera.

Dorothy was hanging out her laundry on the roof when Poncey came by to voice his concerns about the investigation. After hearing Eric’s angry, death-obsessed music, he was more convinced than ever that Eric was the killer. Dorothy deduced that Poncey was just upset because Eric had rejected him after their initial make-out session.

Eric was in the bar when Agent Denver entered, looking for Chip Blingo. Disdainful of authority, Eric refused to cooperate. Denver warned him that he could put away Eric and his entire band. (“Let me explain how Homeland Security works. You’re ALREADY in trouble.”) Eric caved in and directed Denver to Chip’s room.

Two seconds later, Denver broke down the door to Chip’s room. After Denver ordered him to get down on the floor, Chip retorted that no matter how Denver hurts him, it would only make his music stronger. Denver responded by cutting off Chip’s feet.

Rory called everyone (even the footless Chip) together to announce the solution to Chrysanthemum’s murder. Explaining that the key to the mystery was the fact that all the different reality shows are filmed in this same neighborhood, Rory began the slow-motion playback of the (secretly edited) video footage. The footage showed Chip Blingo and Ted Nugent running in, singing a Satanic song while dancing around Chrysanthemum, and snapping her neck to seal the pact…all too fast for the human eye to see. Denver took the mortally-wounded Chip into custody. Now that the murder of Chrysanthemum Kennedy was solved, Agent Denver set out to solve the rest of the Kennedy murders. Rory saved time by revealing them all: John F. Kennedy was killed by Ving Rhames, Bobby by Yahoo Serious, and Ted Kennedy will be killed by Agent Denver himself. With this revelation, Rory snapped Denver’s neck. Dorothy, shocked by the carnage and craziness, began crying hysterically, longing for her old home behind the dumpster at Wendy’s.


Monday, March 16, 2009

Season 12, Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks

Episode 3: Broken Hearts and Necks

Bixie Biederback introduced the housemates to the beautiful Chrysanthemum Kennedy, explaining that Chrysanthemum was this week’s challenge. Whoever succeeded in wooing her would get 150 points (plus the privilege of the wooing itself).

Afterwards, Poncey Highland confided to Eric von Landingham that, as a gay man, he was very upset about being forced to woo a woman to get ahead in the game. Eric pointed out that Dorothy would have just as big a problem.

Rory Manchester was showing Chrysanthemum a night on the town and telling her about himself. (“I’m not just rich because I have millions of dollars, I’m rich because I have 13 points of spirituality.”) He asked her to tell him about herself, and she replied that what he saw in front of him was pretty much all there was to her.

Dorothy complained to Bixie about Chrysanthemum’s presence; Dorothy thought she herself was supposed to provide the show’s sex appeal. Bixie replied that she WOULD be the sex symbol if she got a new look. Reluctantly, Dorothy agreed to take a bath and wear make-up, though she drew the line at wearing a dress.

In the backyard, Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was playing golf with Chrysanthemum, turning the game into one long string of sexual innuendo. Chrysanthemum was repulsed by his weird, aggressive behavior.

Cameraman Lance Belligui was filming Miller at work at the Hello Pizza Kitty. Miller explained that he needed this job to pay off his “guy.” Lance didn’t understand, so Miller went into a speech about how everybody needs a guy. Realizing that Lance didn’t have a guy, Miller went out and found a guy named Tyrone. Miller asked Tyrone to hook him up with a bag, and Tyrone charged him three dollars. (“Dude, that’s like 1924 prices!”)

Eric von Landingham was at his workplace at Olan Mills, photographing Chrysanthemum. She complimented him on his blue uniform, and he launched into a monologue about his life in the service industry…a monologue that took a weird turn when he recalled his mother’s job as a stripper at Stretchers.

In the confession booth, Rory told Lance about his date with Chrysanthemum. At first, he only viewed her as the show’s weekly challenge, but now he felt something he’d never felt before (except for himself). In fact, he felt so strongly (and was so determined to win the challenge) that he’d bought a ring.

Poncey went to Bixie’s office to complain about the challenge. He explained that this went completely against his nature, declaring that he hadn’t dated girls since high school. Bixie retorted that, since he DID once go out with girls, he could do so again…and she insisted that he practice with her.

Miller and Chrysanthemum were smoking pot in the underpass on 285. This was the first time she’d ever tried anything like that, and she was enjoying it a lot. They got into a rambling, stoned conversation (“Isn’t life like a reality show without the show?”) that ended with Miller declaring his love for her.

Poncey was relaxing in the hot tub when Dorothy came in to take her first bath in years. Dorothy sensed that Bixie had had her way with Poncey. Breaking down, Poncey sobbed that Bixie’s breasts were like that green gardening compound (“you stick your thumb in, it leaves an impression!”).

Rory brought Chrysanthemum up to his room to show her his etchings, while she confessed that she thought she’d been abducted by aliens, since she found herself on the freeway with no memory. She was woken up when a car full of hysterical people (possibly a clown car) ran over her foot. Rory comforted her by massaging her injured foot. As he did so, he slipped the engagement ring onto her toe and playfully asked “Now where did that come from?” Chrysanthemum figured the clowns must have put it on her.

Lance was logging his tapes in the basement when Bixie came in to compliment him on his work. Lance confronted her about her sexual harassment of Poncey, and she declared that she did have strong feelings for Poncey. Lance warned her that if she slept with a contestant again, he would report her to the network.

Hank and Eric were at the bar, drowning their sorrows over their failure to impress Chrysanthemum. Even worse, once he brought it up, Eric found he couldn’t rid his mind of the image of his mother stretching her nipples.

Poncey took Chrysanthemum out for line-dancing at Hoedown’s. After some drinks and bonding over how much they had in common, it finally dawned on Chrysanthemum that Poncey was gay (as if taking her to Hoedown’s wasn’t a big enough clue). He explained that he’d been in a committed relationship with his partner Blaine for 13 years. She respected him for that, and gave him a kiss. At that moment, Rory walked in.

Afterwards, Rory stormed into Bixie’s office, furious over Chrysanthemum’s betrayal. Bixie was also stunned and hurt to hear that Poncey had kissed another woman. Rory swore revenge.

Dorothy was showing Chrysanthemum the art of dumpster-diving, and even found a ring for her. Chrysanthemum told Dorothy about her kiss with Poncey, and Dorothy offered to prepare a tincture to turn a gay man straight. They bonded over their mutual incoherence.

Miller told Lance all about his date with Chrysanthemum, confirming her theory about being hit by a clown car. Afterwards, Miller turned the camera on Lance and pressed him about his feelings for Chrysanthemum; Lance finally admitted that he was in love with her too.

Hank went to Rory’s room to taunt him about Chrysanthemum tossing him aside for a gay man. Rory used a secret control to turn off all the hidden cameras, then asked Hank to join him in a plan to get revenge on Chrysanthemum and frame Poncey.

Bixie gathered all the housemates together for the big announcement of who won this week’s challenge. Chrysanthemum declared that she had chosen the one person who had been totally honest with her…Dorothy. As Chrysanthemum and Dorothy embraced, Rory hit a button on his watch to activate his super-speed. Too fast for even the cameras to see, Rory ran up to Chrysanthemum and snapped her neck. As time returned to normal, Chrysanthemum collapsed into Dorothy’s arms. Before she died, Chrysanthemum managed to gasp out a single clue to her killer’s identity…“Etchings!”


Sunday, March 15, 2009

Season 12, Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo

Episode 2: Electric Boogaloo

The housemates (including latecomer Poncey Highland) were gathered in the great room, awaiting the program’s “Challenge of the Day.” Director/host Bixie Biederback announced that the challenge was to keep the house clean; anyone not picking up after themselves would be penalized. Rory Manchester protested how trivial that so-called “challenge” was, proposing a real challenge: the first person to go up on the roof and be struck by lightning earns 100 points. Bixie agreed to Rory’s suggestion.

In the “confession booth,” homeless contestant Dorothy told cameraman Lance Belligui that she couldn’t take part in Rory’s challenge, since her hip kept her from going up on the roof. She explained that she had her own game going on; she’d put together a collection of crickets and set up a little racetrack for them. As they conversed, Dorothy confessed that she thought Lance’s mustache was cute, but she didn’t know what to do because she hadn’t had any relationships in years. Lance suggested that she dress up a bit.

Eric von Landingham met his new roommate, Poncey Highland, the stereotypically gay owner of the Happy Waggin’s Pet Grooming emporium. Poncey looked over the room, explaining that he needed to redecorate to reflect his personality. Eric replied that they had to concentrate on the more pressing matter of being electrocuted. More than anything, Eric wanted to impress Bixie so he’d stand a chance with her…and her breasts.

Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker was cooking a Waldorf salad in the kitchen, complaining that nobody appreciated his efforts. Miller pointed out that his food might be unappreciated because he was COOKING a salad. With his error brought to his attention, Hank groaned that he couldn’t do anything right. Miller suggested that Hank put his golfing skills to good use by hitting a ball from the roof and letting his club attract the lightning, winning the challenge with style. Miller suddenly had an epiphany; by attaching a flux capacitor to the club, Hank could even hit that ball through time.

In the production room, Bixie was viewing the footage of Eric and Poncey discussing her breasts, when Rory entered. Bixie acknowledged that Rory’s idea for a challenge was much better than her own, and asked for further assistance in making the show work. They struck a bargain: Rory would give her ideas, and she’d make sure that he looks good on the show so that he could win the grand prize…Greenland. Meanwhile, on the monitor footage, Eric and Poncey started making out.

On the roof, Lance was recording Hank’s efforts to get hit by lightning. Their attempts to time the lightning strikes digressed into a discussion about the movie “Poltergeist.” Getting back on track, Hank asked to speak to Lance off the record. After Lance switched off his camera, Hank offered him a bribe to make him look good and help him win. Lance accepted, not knowing that Rory had picked up the camera and was secretly filming them.

After showing her garbage-can home to Poncey, Dorothy confessed that she wanted to dress nicer for Lance. She explained that she was wearing eight layers of clothing, and the last two were pretty much fused to her skin now…she hadn’t been naked since 1953.

While playing air hockey in the rec room, Eric confessed to Rory that the combination of Bixie’s breasts and internet porn got him so keyed up that, despite being straight, he made out with Poncey…and since everything in this house happens on-camera, the entire world will think he’s gay. Rory asked him one question: Did the encounter make him feel better or worse? In response, Eric went into a heavy-metal number about his sexual awakening.

While demonstrating how to mix drinks, Rory told Dorothy that he could identify with her because he wasn’t always rich…he lived on the streets for three years. He struggled to survive by selling shoes, until he hit on a brilliant publicity idea. He advertised his wares by tying two shoes together and throwing them over power lines...and that’s how he made his fortune. Because his past was so similar to her present, Rory felt obligated to show her the footage he’d made of Hank bribing Lance. Dorothy broke down over this betrayal.

On the roof, Eric was trying for the lightning-strike bonus by masturbating in the hopes that God would strike him down. He attempted to recover his modesty when Hank came up with a flux capacitor wired to his golf club. After some confused conversation, they were suddenly both struck by lightning.

Poncey told Lance that he planned to win just by being himself. Lance replied that it wasn’t working…the networks were skittish about the gay-kiss footage, and Poncey was currently running in last place. Upset, Poncey broke into a song about how true love knows no gender boundaries. Lance was surprised that a gay man could have so little musical talent.

As Eric and Hank lay unconscious on the roof, Bixie stood over them, trying to figure out who got the 100-point bonus by being struck first. When they came to, it was determined that it was a tie. Rory came up and congratulated them, then walked away with Hank’s golf club.

In the bar, Poncey Highland complained to Miller about the oppressive homophobia he’d encountered in the house. Miller rose up in outrage, swearing to join Poncey in his battle to make the house more accepting. As they shook on it, Miller commented on Poncey’s limp, clammy handshake.

Dorothy came down to the basement editing room to confront Lance about the bribe. He apologized for disappointing her, explaining that he wasn’t on the show by choice. He used to be a cameraman for Jack Hanna, until he fell asleep on the job and let Jack get attacked by a tiger. As punishment, he was sentenced to work on reality TV…unless he could win his freedom. Dorothy agreed to help him, on the condition that they have sex first.

Rory and Miller met secretly behind the Scandal House, where no cameras could record their encounter. After removing a chip from the flux capacitor, Rory offered Miller some special hydroponic weed. Smoking it, Miller fell under Rory’s hypnotic control, and Rory ordered him to forget that Rory had the chip. Miller pointed out that he wouldn’t have remembered anything anyway, and Rory replied that he doesn’t like to take chances.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Season 12, Episode 1: Reality Bites

It's another new season...this time, they've thrown a bunch of characters together for a reality TV show. Featuring the return of Miller from Season 8 (even though he was killed off in the Jumping-the-Shark Episode).

Episode 1: Reality Bites

In an alley, a homeless woman named Dorothy was scrounging for cigarette butts when Rory Manchester walked by. He threw some money at her in an attempt to get rid of her, but she returned it to him. Admiring her honesty, he introduced himself, explaining that he was going to be on the new reality TV series “Scandal House,” and that he would win because he’s a go-getter at the peak of his self-actualization. Unimpressed, Dorothy tossed a lot of psychobabble right back at Rory.

Former child star Bixie Biederback, director/host of “Scandal House,” was in her office when producer Dick Castleberry stormed in. He reminded her of his credentials (having worked on “Top Gun”) and demanded that she make this show live up to those high standards. She assured him that she was up to the job, having been clean and sober for weeks now. They drank a toast with Perrier.

Two of the show’s contestants, Olan Mills photographer Eric von Landingham and stoner Miller were relaxing in the hot tub (fully clothed). After a bit of inadvertent (or was it?) sexual contact, Miller boasted that he would be the one to win the grand prize…Iceland. Eric pointed out that the prize was actually Greenland. Miller was disappointed because he was looking forward to skiing; Eric tried to explain that Greenland was actually icier than Iceland, confusing Miller to no end.

In the “confession booth,” Italian cameraman Lance Belligui was interviewing pro golfer Hank ‘The Beaver’ Basker. Hank explained that his deep-seated anger was due to the fact that he had 7 ex-wives, 9 children, a fading career, and he was now reduced to talking to a foreigner holding a camera.

In the kitchen, Rory reminisced about watching Bixie’s TV show when she was a kid, and asked her to do her famous bit. Reluctantly, she delivered her catchphrase (“This gonna get me in a lot of trouble!”) and her trademark pout. Turning to business, Rory informed her that he always gets what he wants, and that he was going to win Greenland. He then offered to help her, suggesting a visual metaphor for her alcoholism:

RORY: “Think of the worst thing you can. Say, a dead puppy, to start. Now think of that puppy dying again, coming back as a zombie, and dying AGAIN because another dead puppy fell on it. And THAT puppy has herpes.”

Dick Castleberry met Dorothy behind the Scandal House. He found her bedraggled appearance and homeless wisdom so adorable, he was convinced she was a muppet or animatronic. She asked where he was from, and he explained that he grew up in a bubble in Hollywood, shielded from reality. Dorothy told him that he needed to listen to his heart and stop using devices to insulate himself from other people. Dick pretended to take a call on his cell phone.

Eric was trying to get ready for bed, but was uncomfortable due to Lance filming him. (“Kind of reminds me of my weird uncle.”) Eventually, he decided to sleep fully clothed. Eric confided to Lance that he was worried about being treated as eye candy, but Lance assured him he didn’t need to worry about that.

Hank and Miller were playing air-hockey in the rec room; when Hank bragged about scoring, Miller thought that Hank meant he had slept with the homeless chick. Hank tried to explain that he was talking about the game, although he did indeed want to have sex with Dorothy.

Bixie and Dick gathered all of the contestants in the great room to prepare them for the series. Bixie explained that they just needed to be real and natural, though Dick added that they also needed to fight and backstab each other. Dick boasted of his Hollywood successes, but Rory cut him down by reminding him that his last picture had been “Dunston Checks In”…and since Rory had lost a lot of money on that one, now Dick owed him big time.

Lance was filing his videotapes in the basement when Dorothy came to visit him. She gave him an umbrella from her shopping cart to shield him from the leaking ceiling. Touched, he told her about his home in Viennice. (“Imagine God took a palette and wiped it clean, then drizzled love and unicorns on it.”) That reminded Dorothy that she’d seen unicorns eating by the dumpster at Wendy’s. They decided to go out for a bite, and possibly see a unicorn.

Eric, Hank and Rory were working in the garden when Eric noticed a dead bird in a tree. Rory reminisced about how a bird was the first thing he’d ever seen die, launching into an inspirational narrative about how he took that bird’s egg and saved it, and kept that robin alive for 20 years with loving care, steroids, and animatronics. Hank and Eric realized that Rory was too good at everything, and that they’d need to get rid of him to stand any chance of winning.

In the bar, Lance showed Bixie some footage he’d shot (showing Dorothy telling Miller how she’d lost her leg and replaced it with cotton). Bixie attempted to maintain her professionalism, but was tempted by the Red Bull & vodka chargers surrounding her. When Dick entered and started badgering her about the show, she found the strength to resist, throwing a drink on the floor to make her point.

Hank was taking out the garbage, only to be startled by Dorothy sticking her head out of the can. She asked him about his anger, sensing that he obviously wants to use his golf club on people instead of little white balls. Hank retorted that he was having a good day…then confessed that he could only have good DAYS because he doesn’t have a good life.

Miller was working at Hello Pizza Kitty when Dick Castleberry came in for dinner. After Miller spent two hours going through the list of all the available toppings, Dick ordered a medium with love and an autographed photo of Bea Arthur.

In the showers, Eric told Rory how awestruck he was by Rory’s accomplishments. Eric talked about his own career at Olan Mills and his sideline as a drummer with a fledgling band…a good life, but nothing compared to Rory’s. Meanwhile, everybody else lined up and waited impatiently to take their own shower.


Friday, March 13, 2009

Season 11, Episode 9: Love in Bloom and Lovin' Dublooms

And now, the final episode of the Prison season!

Episode 9: Love in Bloom and Lovin’ Dublooms

Picking up right after last episode’s cliffhanger, when Ronni Peterson asked Dexter Dewey if he’d enjoyed having sex with Rusty Trombonz, Dexter apologized for the dramatic pause and assured her that he didn’t enjoy it one bit. With that out of the way, they tried to figure out how they could circumvent Bruce Brüce’s ban on straight marriage.

Wayne Bo Casey, having sneaked through the electric gate by wearing a suit made of hot dogs, had finally gotten hold of Rusty’s treasure case. When Rusty ran into him, Wayne launched into a lengthy list of things that COULD be in the case (such as Lysol or 17 eyeballs), but finally admitted that it was indeed the dublooms. However, now that Wayne had heard the call of the dublooms, he couldn’t give them up. He said that Rusty would have to kill him to get the dublooms. Rusty had no problem with that.

Self-appointed warden Bruce Brüce called Corrections Officer Hoss Hardacre into his office. The door played “I’m Comin’ Out” as Hoss opened it, and Bruce explained that he’d modified all the fixtures to play gay anthems. Hoss warned Bruce that people weren’t happy with his ban on straight marriage, but Bruce protested that the ban was necessary to preserve the sanctity of the institution.

BRUCE: “Do you know how many straight marriages end in divorce?”
HOSS: “There must be hundreds. It’s an epidermis!”

Bruce and Hoss then broke into a duet concerning their friendship for each other, with Hoss explaining how hard it was for him, as a straight man, to love a gay man.

In the laundry room, deposed warden Otis Barker was sneaking in supplies for the wedding, when Dexter came in to discuss what to do about Bruce. Dexter resolved by the Librarian’s Code (“set down by Conan the Librarian”) to destroy Bruce. He explained that, as the librarian, he controlled the records of all the books and websites used by each inmate. He had altered Bruce’s on-line records so that it looked like he’d been visiting, the web’s top free straight porn site. Once the gay community found out, Bruce would be excommunicated and killed. After listening to the elaborate plot, Barker suggested that they come up with a Plan B.

Being an internet-ordained minister, Wayne was getting ready to perform the wedding ceremony. Ronni told Wayne how much she’d admired him since she was 4 years old, and that all she’d ever wanted was to be just like him. (She’d even outdone him by racking up a bigger bodycount.) Moved by her declaration, Wayne told her the unfortunate news that, after he performed the ceremony, he’d also be the one carrying out the execution. (“It’s my month.”) Ronni replied that she’d be honored to be killed by her idol.

RONNI: “You’re almost like a father figure to me.”
WAYNE: “I AM your father.”

In the exercise yard, Hoss and Rusty were both depressed: Hoss by his sexual confusion and Rusty by the loss of his dublooms. Hoss explained his situation, and Rusty began to offer some advice…but before he could, he clutched his chest and collapsed.

Ex-Warden Barker figured out his “Plan B” to destroy Bruce. He explained to Dexter that they would decorate the electric chair in a festive manner, tell Bruce that it was the Seat of Honor, and get him to sit in it. The only problem was, where were they going to find another gay man to be the decorator?

Meanwhile, Bruce had just finished adjusting the chair to play gay music when Wayne Bo Casey came by to ask a favor. Wayne explained that Ronni is his daughter, and that he’d pulled strings to have her brought to Little Five Points Penitentiary so he could be with her. He asked to be executed in Ronni’s place, offering Bruce the dublooms as a bribe.

In the visiting room, Barker met Hoss, who had accepted his sexuality and taken to wearing a leather biker cap and MC Hammer sunglasses. Hoss explained that his love for Bruce Brüce had finally brought him happiness. Barker suggested that Hoss demonstrate his love by decorating the electric chair as a present for Bruce.

Still lying prostrate in the exercise yard, Rusty Trombonz drifted in and out of consciousness before finally rising to his feet, calling out for his lost dublooms.

Dexter and Ronni were going over their pre-nup agreement. Dexter explained that, in the unlikely event that he dies before her execution, she would get his manuscript…a book he’d written all about her, the most beautiful girl in prison. They began slow-dancing as he revealed that he’d written a happy ending for them, going off to live in a beautiful barn together. She told him that she would build that barn for him in heaven.

Wayne was sitting in his cell when he heard Rusty’s distant cry of “Dublooms!” Rusty finally made his way to Wayne’s cell, only to be sucker-punched by Wayne. Wayne informed him that the dublooms had been spent and there was nothing he could do about it.

Hoss was decorating the electric chair in red silk and gold streamers, while dancing to “Material Girl.” Wayne, Barker, and Rusty suddenly materialized as his backup dancers.

Bruce Brüce was in his office, gazing at the dublooms, when Rusty entered. Demanding his treasure back, Rusty knocked everything off of Bruce’s desk. Bruce replied that he didn’t want the gold, since it was blood money. He’d realized that love was what was important…his love for Hoss, and Dexter and Ronni’s love for each other. Rusty sat down to consider this. As he settled into the chair, loud gay music suddenly blared. Rusty immediately keeled over.

Bruce rushed into the execution chamber to inform Hoss of Rusty’s heart attack, but was distracted by the sight of the newly-decorated chair. Bruce told Hoss that he no longer wanted to be warden. (“I don’t want to be the boss of you, I want you.”) Just then, Wayne, Dexter, Ronni and Barker all filed in for the wedding and execution. Bruce informed them that he was resigning, and his last official act as warden was to pardon both Ronni and Dexter.

BRUCE: “Most of the time, it’s the governor who does that, but in Georgia, that’s Sonny Perdue, so that’d be ridiculous.”

Bruce then offered Ronni and Dexter the case of dublooms as a wedding present, but Rusty suddenly rushed in and snatched the case away. Unfazed, Bruce offered them a check and a gun instead. Dexter loudly called out “Oh, look, there’s a dubloom on the floor here.” Rusty immediately ran back in, and Dexter shot him. Bruce congratulated Dexter on his first kill.

Bruce changed out of his warden’s outfit and returned it to Barker. Barker’s first act as returning warden was to order a DOUBLE wedding. Wayne performed the ceremony for not only Dexter & Ronni, but for Bruce & Hoss as well. Just as Wayne pronounced them all married, the chair went off while Bruce and Hoss were sitting in it, giving their honeymoon some real spark. (Sorry…)


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Season 11, Episode 8: Fourteen Scenes to Enlightenment

Episode 8: Fourteen Scenes to Enlightenment

Having turned the tables on his captor, Dexter Dewey now had Rusty Trombonz tied up, and began torturing him Tarantino-style while playing “Stuck in the Middle With You” on the radio. After sticking his hand under Rusty’s hairline, Dexter told him that this was just a warning.

Bruce Brüce, having taken over the warden’s office, was tidying up when Arman Redder came in. After some debate on the merits of Italian vs. American fashion designers, Arman asked Bruce if he’d ever read “The Great Gatsby.” Arman explained that he’d found a way to use Fitzgerald’s concept of “the high white note” for an escape plan. He handed Bruce his recorder and asked him to play a note so high, it would burst the pipes and flood the prison, so that the prisoners would be released for safety reasons.

Former Warden Otis Barker was in the visitation room, meeting with his old college buddy, the hippie therapist Dr. Duke Chestworth. Barker admitted that he’d allowed Bruce to switch places with him so that he wouldn’t have to go home to his family. Dr. Duke took Barker back to a childhood memory (watching “The Dukes of Hazzard”) so that he could talk to his father in his mind; the imaginary father figure assured Barker that nothing was his fault.

In the cafeteria, Arman confronted Rusty for stealing the heart of his pen-pal bride during her visit last week. Rusty retorted that Arman had ruined their marriage all by himself, because he doesn’t know what love is. Rusty explained about love by joining Arman in a ballet-like dance, which gradually grew more and more erotic.

Dr. Duke was helping Ronni Peterson get ready for her wedding to Dexter Dewey, not to mention her execution shortly afterwards. She told him how much she wished her parents could be there for the wedding, but she killed them when she was eleven. Dr. Duke told her that she needed to contact the rest of her family and make amends, or else she’d go to hell.

Otis Barker was showering (with his suit on) when Dexter came in, looking for a best man for his wedding. Barker agreed, but informed him that the only way they could fit the wedding into the schedule was to have it at the exact same time as Ronni’s execution.

Later, Barker stopped by his old office and was amazed by how Bruce had fixed it up. He asked where all the money was coming from, and Bruce presented a spreadsheet showing how he’d turned the prison into a success. Bruce explained that he took his new duties seriously and wasn’t just in it for the power. Barker asked if Bruce would apply his master touch to planning a bachelor party for Dexter. Bruce apologetically replied that he couldn’t do that, because he had just banned straight marriage.

Dr. Duke brought Rusty and Dexter together to resolve their differences. Rusty went into a monologue how it felt to be tied up and tortured, explaining that it hurt his essence and took away his mantra. Rusty and Dexter began a ballet dance of apology, which once again turned sexual. Arman entered, shocked to see that Rusty was balleting with other men.

Later, Ronni was sitting on the roof, contemplating her mortality, when Arman arrived. She invited him to the wedding, but was taken aback by his racist rhetoric. She informed him that she had killed people of all races and creeds, and through that, she’d learned that we’re all equal in the end. She told him that he’d been looking at through one eye for so long that he couldn’t see the truth. With that, she removed his eyepatch. Seeing the whole picture for once, Arman suddenly realized that all men ARE created equal.

Dexter was sitting in his cell, reading the Mammoth Book of Word Games, when Barker came in with the bad news. He tried to break it gently by explaining that there’d be no bachelor party, and Dexter said that was all right with him. He then broke into song explaining an embarrassing incident about a guy getting a wedgie at the Gold Club during a bachelor party. Barker then explained that not only would there be no bachelor party, but Bruce had outlawed straight marriage. Dexter saw two solutions: Either he could dig a tunnel to Canada, or they could kill Bruce, reinstate Barker, and rescind Bruce’s ruling.

BARKER: “I don’t know. I’ve never deliberately killed a man before. Sure, accidents have happened…”

Meeting Bruce by the hole, Arman explained that he’d now seen the light of tolerance and realized the error of his ways. Bruce informed Arman that he’d heard through the prison grapevine that a hit had been place on him. He offered to blow Arman’s “high white note” if Arman would be his bodyguard. They both got down on their knees (in a non-fellatio way) to seal the pledge.

Otis Barker informed Dr. Duke of his moral dilemma, explaining that the only way he could get his old life back was to kill a man. Duke sensed the dark shadow forming in Barker’s mind, and tried to talk him out of it by asking how he’d feel if Bo Duke killed Luke Duke. Barker rejected Duke’s advice and sent him away. Duke replied that, if Barker wanted that darkness in his mind, he’d respect that decision. Duke then used his psychic powers to give Barker a taste of all the darkness Duke carries around in his own mind. Duke warned him that he’d be experiencing that all the time if he went through with his plan.

Back by the hole, Bruce was beginning to reconsider his decision. He explained that, if he blew the note and let everybody escape, he’d lose the power (and more importantly, the self-respect) he’d attained as the new warden. Bruce told Arman that he truly believed that he’d changed his ways and become a better person, and that he’d be going to a better place. With that, Bruce stabbed Arman in the gut with his recorder.

Dexter sneaked into Ronni’s cell, explaining that he wouldn’t let the straight-marriage ban stop their relationship (and quoting Tracey Ullman’s “They Don’t Know”). However, he had to confess that, during his therapy session, he wound up having ballet-sex with Rusty Trombonz. Taken aback, Ronni asked if he had enjoyed it. Before he could answer, we ended on that cliffhanger…